Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.
ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.
ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.
When we last left Ashley H. she was completely void of self-worth and desperately trying to get 11 men to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. We’ve been teased all week long over the fact that Bentley was coming back to break Ashley’s heart some more. She brings her boyfriends to Chiang Mai in Thailand to kickbox and run into her fake ex-boyfriend, Bentley.
Beanbag thinks that Chiang Mai is the most romantic place on earth. He’s never been to South Buffalo after 3 a.m.
The production crew gets in place early to film shots of Ashley walking through the streets, deep in thought. Ashley thinks that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love, despite the fact that there are zero mechanical bulls.
There will be three dates this week; a one-on-one date, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one man is immediately asked to go home while Ashley and the other guy finish their dinner.
One of the Josh Grobans gets his first one-on-one date. He and Ashley walk through Chiang Mai. I’d like to take a moment and point out how there have been zero helicopter rides so far this season. Nowhere has the bad economy hit harder than Reality Television. These sluts used to ride Helicopters everywhere. Now, they’re riding coach to Vegas and taking Mopeds through 3rd world countries. To be fair, most of the budget was spent on paying actors to pretend that they're contestants.
Ashley and Josh Groban paint umbrellas. I’ll let that sink in. She asks him if he thinks she’s pretty and then cuts herself. Then, they visit an old temple where people aren’t allowed to kiss. She gives him fifty dollars to kiss her. It’s quite romantic and pointless.
During the commercial break, Mike Rowe tries to sell me things while never taking off his baseball hat. He’s like Ken Griffey Jr. I’ve never seen him without one.
When we return to the action, Ashley and Josh Groban eat food in a candlelit garden. It would have been a slow scene, but they fill the time by talking about the pointless date we just watched. Groban talks about how his dead Father turned him into a man. Ashley interrupts him to ask if it’s time to kiss.
Josh Groban gets a rose. There are still over 90 minutes to go in the show. We've got a long way to go before the Bentley footage.
The next day, Ashley takes 8 guys on a group date. Because there hasn’t been enough grappling hook adventures this season, ABC Producers make the 8 men kick box each other. We finally get a chance to see some of the guys take off their shirts. Most of the contestants get into it, but Bean Bag Face doesn’t like fighting. He gets stuck with the pink fighting gear and the audience is immediately made aware of the fact that Bean Bag will soon go to the hospital based on the barrage of promos we’ve seen over the past week.
Ashley talks about how nervous she is to see her boyfriend’s punching and kicking each other. It’s nice foreshadowing for the ambulance scene. We only have to sit through 20 minutes or so before Bean Bag get broken. He fights Ryan, the guy everyone hates, and gets his bell rung. He got a nice concussion and sits there with the same look I had on my face when Brett Hull held a Cup up at Center Ice of the H.S.B.C. Arena. (That’s 2 sports references. You’re welcome.) The injury totally was not worthy of the dramatic teaser footage. I was expecting a bear attack with missing limbs.
Ashley is very concerned over Bean Bag face, and the fact that no one has told her that she’s not ugly in the last 15 minutes. The group gets showered and has a cocktail party. Bean Bag Face shows up late to add some drama. He can’t talk right because his brain is still bruised from being punched. I can’t wait for future Bachelorette contestants to donate their brains to science to prove how costly a career in Reality TV can be to one’s brain. (Seriously, three Sports References. I’m this close to Andy making this one of the main stories on the site.)
Lucas mentions that he Golfs and Ashley shoves her butt into his crotch and begs him to show her how to Golf. Lucas seems uncomfortable, but doesn’t want her to cry, so he begrudgingly spoons her for a couple of seconds.
There is so much talking this episode. It’s painful. Can’t they find out how someone’s loved one died and go do the exact thing that loved one died doing like last season? Can you tell I was a guest bartender Monday night and wrote this recap after many Irish Car bombs? Is anyone else excited that the ‘tags’ section of this recap may contain the phrase ‘Irish Car bomb’? These questions aren’t rhetorical, by the way.
The next day, Jowls and Nice Guy head off for their 2-on-1 date. Neither man is looking forward to it. It’s not stressful enough to make out with a mildly attractive girl in front of millions of people. Adding the threat of being dumped during dinner makes it that much more of a pressure cooker.
Ashley takes the men for a ride on some elephants. I think Ashley rode Elephants with Brad Womack. Again, this show is dirt poor and out of ideas.
Nice Guy takes advantage of some alone time with Ashley by throwing Jowls under the bus. He says that Jowls is looking forward to getting kicked off of the show so he can parlay his Network TV appearance into playing the field back home. Ashley handles the news well by cutting herself.
The trick works as Ashley sends Jowls home. Nice Guy will no longer be referred to as ‘Nice Guy’ from this point on. He’s William. I hope you’re able to keep up at home. Jowls is wearing Moccasins with no socks. My feet would smell like stomach bile filtered through a used diaper if I did that.
Ashley and William eat dinner while he blows his chances by telling her he’s not grown up yet. Ashley makes it a double-kill 2-on-1 by sending William home too. It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. It’ll be nice for Jowls to watch that moment back at home. William cries in the limo.
The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is super dramatic. Ashley starts things off by asking all of the guys who think that she’s ugly to admit it and leave. This woman could be the centerpiece of several medical novels about insecurity. Ashley talks to the other Josh Groban and it is beyond confusing because he looks just like Josh Groban. (The Bachelorette Josh Groban, not the real Josh Groban. Although, both of them look like Josh Groban. I’ve continued to drink at home.)
All of the dates are over and there’s still 20 minutes of show left. It must be time for Bentley to re-punch the clock and return to torment Ashley. Chris Harrison interviews Ashley during which time she tells him that she needs to see Bentley. Chris cuts her a deal, saying that, if she kicks a couple more guys off, he’ll fly Bentley into Chiang Mai. I can't wait to watch Ashley fake cry.
The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.
Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.
Stay in School.
The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.
Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.
Stay in School.
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