Bachelor Recap - Zombies, Schizophrenia and Making Out

Tractors!

 

We’ve reached week two of Chris the Farmer’s epic search for eternal love and future television jobs. In week one, the seeds were planted for drama, suspense, romance, slurping and other stuff. We plowed through a field of contestants and narrowed the “field” down to, like, 19. It was a dust storm of emotion. I don’t even know if dust storm is a farm thing. Why do you read these?

Week 2 is just as exciting. Don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, the Trending Buffalo Podcast with me and Shaun Murphy. It’s groundbreaking and new, and we fixed Shaun’s microphone.

Onto the recap:

We start things off with a continuation of last week. Kimberly was kicked off, but didn’t leave. She grabs Chris the Farmer to plead her case for sticking around. Kimberly claims that she never had a chance to talk to Chris the Farmer. That’ll happen when your boyfriend is dating two dozen other women.

The girls are all shocked that Kimberly came back. One of the girls says, “Goodbye means see you later… see you never.” So, all those times my mom said goodbye to me…?

Kimberly cries and begs to come back. Chris the Farmer is a super nice guy, so he asks Chris Harrison if Kimberly is allowed to come back. Chris Harrison tells Chris the Farmer something we already knew; this show has no rules!!! None!

Chris the Farmer announces to the group that Kimberly is coming back. The girls all cheer, even though they were all just complaining to the camera how Kimberly needs to go home. Girls be cray-cray. Holy cow, I can’t even keep up things are happening so fast! You guys, this show is dramatic.

For pretending to be happy, all of the girls except Kimberly get a point in the Bachelor Fantasy League. Of course, for the moment, Kimberly is the one everyone hates, so she gets 5 points.

Next, Chris Harrison and Chris the Farmer sit down to talk about the craziness of this all. They hold mugs with nothing in them. Chris the Farmer doesn’t have shoelaces in his sneakers. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES.

Back at the Drama Mansion, Chris’ crop gathers to prepare for love-finding. Chris Harrison shows up and asks the ladies how excited they are for this journey. They’re all pretty excited. It’s also announced that Chris the Farmer will live in a house right next to the Drama Mansion. Basically, ABC wants to make sure that there’s plenty of sex having going on this season.

As the girls get their date card and scream, we get rare footage of Chris the Farmer showering, putting on a shirt and fixing his hair. It’s gripping.

The group date is a pool party at a hotel or something. I’m missing the National Championship of College Football. Chris the Farmer gets a chance to take of his shirt again, so that’s a plus. It’s been almost 4 minutes since he went without a shirt. That shirt had to be incredibly heavy, itchy and uncomfortable.

Chris the Farmer talks with Kimberly, the cheater who cried her way back onto the show. Kimberly seems nice. She also is showing off some nipplage. My computer doesn’t think “nipplage” is a word. My computer is so lame. Grow up, computer.

While that exciting pool date is going on, Jillian and Megan sneak into Chris the Farmer’s house. ABC is forced to black out Jillian’s crotch because she didn’t cover it with enough clothing. It’s grown sexy. Megan puts on Chris the Farmer’s motorcycle helmet and runs into the wall four times. That really happened.

The pool party moves out into the street. Keep up! Everyone is still in bikinis. It’s crazy.

The girls are competing in a tractor race. There are tractors lined up in the middle of L.A.  I’m sure all of the commuters appreciated this complete waste of time. The tractors are really slow. It’s totally LOLy. My wife and I high-five because we’re having so much fun. Ashley I. wins the race and gets to spend extra time with Chris the Farmer, which is the real prize.

After some alone time with Ashley I. (Why are they all named Ashley??!!!) the girls sit on hay and talk about fun things with Chris the Farmer. Chris announces that he’s taking Mackenzie away for a private date and ruining everyone else’s night. The rest of the girls are angry, but they tell the camera how much of a gentleman Chris the Farmer is for making Mackenzie feel good.

Tara the drunk complains about how she’s been rejected. So, if you’re keeping score at home, Tara was on a date with a guy and 9 of his other girlfriends and she’s mad that it didn’t end well.

Chris the Farmer and Mackenzie go out and talk and have fun and we watch it. It happens. Mackenzie talks about aliens and Chris’ big nose. I’m sure the football game on the other channel is terrible.

Mackenzie has a son at home, so she gets 20 points in the Fantasy League for abandoning that child to be on TV. She spills the beans to Chris the Farmer about her son and he takes it well because he’s a super nice gentleman. America loves Chris the Farmer and his 19 girlfriends. You love him, you guys. Admit it.

After she talks about her son for an hour, Chris the Farmer gives Mackenzie a rose. She has way too much energy. Mackenzie and Chris the farmer make out. One point.

The next date card comes. Ashley S. is excited about the date card coming. When asked how excited, she says, “On a scale of 1-to-10, like a 15.”  So, Ashley S. gave us a predetermined scale of measurement, but couldn’t stay within that scale. She has no respect for math.

Ashley S. doesn’t get the one-on-one date. Megan does. Megan is excited about her upcoming date. On a scale of 1-to-10, I would gauge her excitement as a 10. She says, “I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”  I wish too, Megan.

Chris the Farmer and Megan drive to the airport so they CAN GET ON A HELICOPTER!!! 10 points for Megan. She says it’s the coolest thing she’s ever done. Obviously, Megan has never been to Epcot.

The helicopter lands in the middle of the Grand Canyon, or something. Bachelor interns have set out a blanket and picnic basket lunch. They probably made the poor interns walk down there.

Megan and Chris the Farmer talk about how crazy this all is. It is. It’s crazy. Megan interrupts that craziness to talk about how her dad died. It’s a sidetrack to the conversation. Megan pours her heart out while a helicopter flies over their picnic, making it almost impossible to hear her.

Chris the Farmer gives Megan a rose. Then, they make out. After being on one date with Chris the Farmer and talking to him for a couple of minutes, Megan tells the camera that she has fallen “head over heels” for him. It seems completely sane.

There’s another group date next. It’s a scary group date, so I’m prepared to be super scared. The limo drives the ladies to a dark place and there’s scary music playing. The place looks scary.

As the girls freak out, a zombie jams its head in the limo and makes everyone scream. Just as I’m about to run out into the street with a gun and start shooting anything that looks like a zombie, Chris the Farmer pulls off his zombie mask and reveals that he was goofing. What a goof! He’s so goofy. What a gentleman.

The date is a zombie-killing paint ball game. The group has to take a few moments to explain to Ashley S. that she only shoots zombies and not people. Ashley S. isn’t terribly bright and might be really crazy, but she’s attractive.

The girls shoot zombies while screaming. It happens. It happens for 5 minutes. It’s just a lot of screaming and shaky photography. Chris the Farmer remarks on how sexy his girlfriends look while killing the undead with paint. He’s such a gentleman, you guys!

Ashley S. walks around shooting the already dead zombie actors as they lay still on the ground. I’m guessing it hurts to be shot with a paintball gun at close range, but the actors don’t budge. It’s impressive. I’m falling for Ashley S.

Back at the mansion, Jordan gets super drunk and falls all over the place. She gets 10 points. She tells the camera about how hairy Jillian’s ass is. It’s the kind of access you wouldn’t expect without some sort of VIP pass.

Chris the Farmer pulls Kaitlyn aside for a private chat. They laugh at funny things. It’s cute and funny. Then, they make out.

Ashley S. tries to talk to the group and doesn’t make a ton of sense. She talks about angels and boom. Someone asks her a question and she answers by saying, “boom.”  It’s weird, even for this show. I’m not positive that Ashley S. isn’t on drugs. There’s no way ABC didn’t know that she had serious behavioral problems. It was nice of them to give her a forum.

Ashley S. pulls Chris the Farmer away on an adventure. They wander around while she rambles about nothing. ABC plays cute music, because mental illness is hilarious. She might murder him. I immediately regret not making ‘Murdering the Bachelor’ worth points in my Fantasy League.

Then, we get this exchange between Ashley S. and Chris the Farmer:

Ashley S.: “I’m not just going to be fake with you. Yeah, of course. Your leather smells really great.”

Chris the Farmer: “Are you okay?”

Ashley S.: “I’m not even sure what you’re asking me.”

She’s on drugs or she’s a paid actress planted by producers to make things interesting. My bet is on the latter.

Chris the Farmer gives Britt a coupon for a free kiss. She takes it right away. They make out. There is slurping. With the taste of Britt still fresh in his throat, Chris the Farmer gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn. As we go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon.

Because we haven’t had enough fun with zombies and schizophrenia, the cocktail party is next. It’s a last ditch effort for Chris the Farmer’s 20 girlfriends to earn a rose, or they’ll be put out to pasture.

Squeaky Whitney gives Chris the Farmer some whiskey. That’s good because there isn’t a ton of alcohol around. Her voice is so squeaky, it sounds like she’s kidding when she talks.

Ashley I. tells the other girls that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie tells Ashley I. that it’s good that she’s a virgin because “guys love taking that.” It’s the rapiest thing that’s ever been said on this show. Mackenzie says that she’s jealous of Ashley I.’s virginess.

Ashley I. shows Chris the Farmer her belly button ring and gives him three wishes. Keep up! Chris the Farmer wishes for a kiss. She makes him rub her belly button ring before they make out. They… make… out. It looks like me at a Ponderosa buffet. Lots of slurping. I’ve seen tamer shark attacks. If she’s a virgin, I’m a rocket scientist. They need to be fed oxygen halfway through.

With Ashley I. fresh on his tonsils, Chris the Farmer makes out with Amber. He’s made out with at least nine women tonight. He’s such a gentleman!

Jordan drinks a lot again and earns 10 more points. She’s super smooth. She might have a problem. How do you get this drunk when you know you’re going to be on national television? She’s cute when she’s hammered. All of the attractive girls this year are nightmares. It’s just like real life.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Four girls are sent home. Chris the Farmer tells the group that he can see his wife in the room. It’s a creepy thing to say if you’re not a Bachelor.

As she goes up to accept her rose, a woman named Juelia slips on the rug and falls. The most embarrassing part of it all is the way she spells her name. Ashley S. gets a rose, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s a planted actress who was forced into the mix to keep things stupid.

For the second straight week, Kimberly is dumped by Chris the Farmer. That has to sting. I doubt that a woman who looks like Kimberly has ever been dumped even once in real life, much less twice within a week on TV. It’s dramatic. Tara, the drunk from week one and Jordan the drunk from week two are both sent home. Tara does use the word “connection” on her way out to earn a point… at the buzzer. Sports quota filled.

Next proves to be just as bad as this week. It’s an endless journey to nowhere. I wish I was dead.