Bachelor Recap - Mouth Virgins and Regular Virgins

This is how you find a bride!

We’ve been promised crying during this season of ‘The Bachelor’. I’d actually go so far as to say, we’ve been threatened with tons of tears. Chris Soules will have to wade through buckets of tears in order to find everlasting love, but so far we’ve only seen a couple of drops.

Things get turned up a notch in week four. From the look of the preview, we get crying, drama, snot, bawling, make out sessions, corn eating and shirtless frolicking. We also get a preview of someone saying, “Her mouth is not a virgin.” It’s the America we deserve. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

If you’re a part of the Bachelor Fantasy League, get the updated scoring here. On to the recap.

Chris Harrison resumes hosting duties and steps in like the grizzled veteran he is. No rust on this guy. Harrison announces that Chris the Farmer’s sister will meet the girls and determine who goes on a sacred one-on-one date. That’s a huge deal. You guys have no idea of how huge that is. It’s never happened. This show is free of rules and oppression.

First though, we get a group date. The theme is “do what comes natural.” ABC sends the girls to a lake. It’s blue, natural and beautiful.

Chris the Farmer is excited about the date. He says, “I’m excited to see how these girls react to being outdoors and being in nature.” It is a very natural scene. It’s just a guy, seven of his girlfriends, a lake, seven cameras, some sound equipment, a couple of trucks, some producers, a bunch of agents, bikinis, and frogs.

Kaitlyn took off her natural bikini bottom and jumped into the natural lake. She was just doing what comes naturally.

While half of the girls are on their lake date, the other half of Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends get to meet Chris the Farmer’s sisters. The sisters ring the doorbell. Everyone screams because it’s a super exciting moment. You guys were excited too, admit it.

Jillian almost misses the fun because she falls asleep outside with a blacked out crotch. We’re four weeks into the show and ABC still can’t get Jillian to wear clothing that fully covers her crotch.

The sisters interview the girlfriends to see if they are ‘Farmer’ material. They ask things like “Do you like my brother?” and “What do you think of the other girls?” They don’t ask, “Why is your crotch blacked out?” It’s an oversight.

Soft music plays when the sisters talk to Jade. They like her. ABC likes Jade too, or they wouldn’t have changed to ‘We like Jade’ soft music.

We cut back to the natural lake date. Keep up! The girls are playing Red Rover, or something. Why do you read these? Kelsey isn’t having fun. She calls the lake a “hell hole” and says her cheeks hurt from fake smiling. Kelsey gets a point for pretending she’s happy. Kelsey gets stung by a bee while talking to the camera. That is worth zero points. The bee got pretty far up her thigh. My wife yelled, “He’s not a honey bee, he’s a horny bee!” So, I’m leaving her.

Chris the Farmer announces that they’re all camping by the lake for the night. They put up tents. It’s intense. Get it? You guys are jerks. Chris the Farmer gets his own tent and there’s no chance that any of the girls will try to get into Chris the Farmer’s tent!

Chris the Farmer is really learning a lot about finding a wife by watching models in bikinis set up tents in full makeup and heels. It’s all very natural. This is a natural setting.

We’re back to the sister interviews. Keep up! Carly talks about how she’s been mistreated throughout her life and starts to cry. Finally! Carly is emotional, but the sisters seem to like her. They must connect well with people who have been mistreated. When the interviews are over, the girls get super nervous because it is not yet announced who gets the one-on-one date, which is a HUGE deal. It’s so huge, you guys.

The date card arrives later. Jade gets the one-on-one date because of soft music and stuff. It’s a Cinderella-themed date because ABC owns Disney and all of our souls. Jade cries when she learns that she’s getting the one-on-one date because of all of the hugeness of the whole thing. It’s super huge, you guys. Get over it and accept the hugeness.

We’re back to camping. Jesus Christ, keep up! All of the happy campers want the group date rose. There’s a camp fire and they all talk about how bad they want that rose. It’s a pretty boring camp fire.

Chris the Farmer pulls Kaitlyn aside and looks at the moon with her. They’re connecting. They connect. It’s connecty. Kaitlyn is wearing pants, for now.

Kelsey pouts by the campfire, but acts happy around Chris the Farmer. She fake laughs around him and pretends like she loves camping. The other girls aren’t happy about it. They hate Kelsey. Kelsey gets 5 points for being the one who everyone hates.

While roasting s’mores, the girls all howl like wolves. It happens. We watch it. Ashley S. brings crazy back by singing a drunken song about tata’s. She’s a little bit drunk. I love her. Mackenzie talks about being abducted by aliens. That moon is powerful.

Ashley S. pulls Chris the Farmer aside, looks him in the eye and asks, “What are you?” ABC lawyers clap off camera. Ashley S. and Chris the Farmer make out. She turns the crazy up to 11 and says, ‘At this point, I love everything about you. I know this sounds crazy, but I really do feel that way. I hope that resonates within your mind tonight.”

I really like Ashley S.

Not to be outdone, Ashley I. the virgin puts on lip gloss and her game face. She pulls Chris the Farmer aside and mauls his face. It’s the slurpiest slurp ever! Dogs show more restraint drinking water. After being hosed down by the virgin, Chris the Farmer returns to the campfire and gives Kaitlyn the group date rose, which is huge. It’s huge, you guys.

After hours, Ashley I. sneaks into Chris the Farmer’s tent. That’s 10 points! Ashley I. tells Chris the Farmer that she’s a delicate flower who doesn’t just run around with any man. She tells him this while covering his face with her face. It’s soft and virgin-like. Her face is not a virgin.

Back at the mansion, it’s announced that Jade gets the sister’s one-on-one princess date. All of the other girls cheer for the girl who gets alone time with their boyfriend. It’s a touching moment. Some weird people show up to transform Jade into a princess. She’s already a princess on the inside, you guys. Super soft music plays for the princess transformation. It’s princessy.

Ashley I. the non-virgin face complains to the camera because she deserves the princess date. She explains that she is most like a Disney princess. I always enjoy the moment in Disney movies where the princess sneaks into the prince’s tent and sucks out his teeth with her lips. Ashley I. sounds a little like a guy when she talks, I’m not gonna lie.

To make sure I feel adequately used, ABC shows us a clip of the new Cinderella movie, coming soon to theatres. It’s so convenient that this episode of ‘The Bachelor’ happened to air right around the release date of the movie! It’s a miracle! It’s like seeing a picture of Chris Harrison in your toast.

Jade goes out on her princess date. We get footage of Chris the Farmer alone, practicing his waltz while talking about finding his princess. I punch my couch a couple of times to get through it. As contractually obligated, Chris the Farmer throws around terms like “fairytale” and “glass slipper” and “Cinderella”. Did you guys know that the movie ‘Cinderella’ is coming to theatres? It totally is.

Jade admits to being engaged before. Chris the Farmer has also been engaged. They have so much in common! Chris the Farmer is glad his sisters chose Jade for the princess date. You guys are glad too, admit it!

Back at the mansion, Ashley I. puts on her own princess dress and walks around pouting and eating corn. It happens. She eats corn.

Back to the princess date. I’m dizzy. Chris the Farmer and Jade dance at their private concert in front of an orchestra. ABC pipes in more ‘Cinderella’ footage to make sure that you guys remember that the movie is coming out to theatres soon. Then, they make out. It’s not a little smooch. It’s grown sexy. There is lifting and grabbing. I’ll bet the orchestra guys don’t normally get this kind of show.

As the clock strikes midnight, Jade runs away to remind you that ‘Cinderella’ is coming to theatres soon. I had to pause the show a couple of times during this date to throw up. I hate this show so much.

There’s another group date. Six girls get wedding dresses to wear on their date. I can’t believe this show is still on television. Jillian doesn’t like to wear her wedding dress because she doesn’t get to have her crotched black out.

The girls get on a PRIVATE PLANE and meet Chris the Farmer in San Francisco. Becca is happy because, with only 6 girlfriends on the date, it’s more intimate.

Just when you think it’s going to be a girly date with wedding dresses, a car pulls up to a Muckfest course. It’s an obstacle course with mud. The girls are tasked with running through the mud in their wedding dresses. It’s so crazy. You can’t wear a wedding dress in the mud! No way! This show has no rules!

Chris the Farmer likes this challenge because he wants a wife who can be tough, physically and mentally. He’s looking for a girl who can run up a hill in a wedding dress. I know, before I married my wife, I pushed her into a gorge. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

The girls run in mud. It’s muddy. Jillian is a super jock. She runs super faster than all of the other girls. She wins by a mile. She’s really fast without having a big black bar covering her crotch.

For being the best Runaway Bride (missed promotional opportunity!), Jillian gets a special date with Chris the Farmer. The rest of the girls hose off their wedding dresses and go back to their mansion. Life is hard sometimes.

Jillian and Chris the Farmer eat outside on a roof or something. Chris the Farmer tells the camera that Jillian could be in his top three. That’s huge, you guys.

Jillian is unable to answer Chris the Farmer’s question about where she sees herself in five years. She rambles about stuff. We all listen. The music turns on Jillian. It’s not good music. It’s not sweet Jade music. It’s manic Jillian music. Jillian is going home. She’s no longer in Chris the Farmer’s top three. She’s in his NOT three! Get it??? HAHAAHAHAAHa. You guys are jerks.

To be fair to Jillian, it’s probably not normal to talk about five year plans on a first date. Jillian turns the tables by asking Chris the Farmer, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for four or five years?” She really asks him that. It happened. We watched it. I would go homeless girl all the way, but that’s just me.

When it comes time to present the rose, Chris the Farmer tells Jillian that they aren’t connecting on their first date. Jillian admits she’s nervous. She starts to cry because she’s being dumped by a farmer on the roof of some place on National TV. It’s super comfortable. Chris the Farmer dumps Jillian because she talked a lot on the roof. He’s such a gentleman. He sends Jillian home. I’m going to miss her blacked-out crotch.

The cocktail party is next. Chris the Farmer tells his girlfriends about how he dumped one of his girlfriends, and that he’s serious about finding a wife. It’s serious. Act serious, you guys. When a guy dates a bunch of women on TV, it’s serious.

Megan puts a blindfold on Chris the Farmer and makes him eat food. He guesses what he’s eating. It happens. We watch it happen.

Ashley I. is upset because she tried to tell Chris the Farmer that she was a virgin while sucking his face in the tent. Apparently, she didn’t tell him correctly. She asks Chris the Farmer what he got out of their tent conversation and he doesn’t know. Ashley I. reiterates the fact that she’s a virgin. She does so in a really awkward way. It’s awkward. Chris the Farmer says, “That’s great.” I’m not sure he believes Ashley I. He’s a smart guy. Everyone is happy about Ashley I. being a virgin. You guys are happy about it too, admit it.

Ashley I. is nervous about telling Chris the Farmer that she’s a virgin. I hope that sentence ends up on my tombstone. Ashley I. cries about her virgin confession. Megan comforts her. It’s comforting. You guys were comforted too, admit it. I wish I gave out points in my Bachelor Fantasy League for comforting virgins. I live with so much regret.

When it’s revealed that Ashley I. is a virgin, the rest of the girls react. It’s reacty. Carly says, “Her mouth isn’t a virgin. Boom. Becca announces that she’s also a virgin. Is anyone in this mansion not a virgin???!!!

Britt is worried about her lack of time with Chris the Farmer. Maybe she should invent some sort of way to turn back the clock once a year to get extra time with farmers. Britt has glitter on her face. She confronts Chris the Farmer about some of the decisions he’s made with other women, in particular Kaitlyn and her skinny dipping.

Chris the Farmer gets mad. He stands up and tells all of his girlfriends not to question him. It’s domestic abusey. Britt, his first impression girl, is in trouble.

Thankfully, the rose ceremony is next. It’s full of virgins, but not mouth virgins. I cannot believe you read down this far. Chris the Farmer cuts his crop from 14 to 11. Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S go home. I’m going to miss Ashley S. and her crazy eyes more than I’ve ever missed anyone on this show. I hate Chris the Farmer. Life is so unfair.

On the plus side, Ashley I. and her non-virgin mouth stick around to entertain the masses.

Juelia gets the special send off from Chris the Farmer. He feels bad because she has a daughter. When you have a daughter, you get dumped one-on-one. I need a daughter. Juelia thanks Chris the Farmer for dumping her. He tells her she’s a beautiful person. If she was so beautiful, why didn’t he marry her? Juelia tells the camera that she wants to find love. She’s wearing a dress that shows a lot of her boobs, so I’m sure she’ll find it.

As the credits roll, ABC shows us bonus Ashley S. footage. She doesn’t feel sad about being dumped. Ashley S. hoots like an owl. I would love to try the drugs she’s on.

Next week, more stuff happens. Please don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a fun Bachelor podcast with myself and Shaun Murphy.