I’d like to take a minute before I recap ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All’ episode to apologize to my readers. There may be some poor folks out there who stumbled upon this blog, read about the awful things happening on ABC and decided to tune in to see if the Bachelorette could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to mankind. I could not be sorrier for contributing, in any way, to the suffering you endured Sunday night.
Every week, I tell people that this show could not get worse and, every week, I look more and more foolish for setting the bar so low. This show is an avalanche of disgrace. It started out as bad and rolled down a mountain, collecting bits and pieces of dog feces along the way, and amassed into a dung ball big enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Those pools are huge.
I still fear things could get worse. So, I guess I’m sorry to have a hand in your time spent watching this show which could have been better spent in fire.
ABC was cruel enough to charge me into two blogs in one week, but kind enough to rip off the band aid in one swoop and get Ashley H. out of my life for good. It’s worth it. Monday night is the season finale. I’ve never been more excited to waste 3 hours of my life.
Sunday night was the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. That is where they bring back all of your favorite contestants from the season and give them one last chance to remind you why you hate them.
We begin the episode the way ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette begins every episode; rolling out footage you’ve already seen a thousand times. This show is brilliant. They’re either showing old footage or previewing footage to come. There is no present tense on the Bachelorette. It’s some sort of Paradox.
Chris Harrison sits down for a painful taped interview with Ashley. I have absolutely no idea why they taped an interview with Ashley and aired it an hour before a live interview with Ashley. We are treated to some highlights from the season, like Ashley and Nice Guy’s hilarious fake wedding (my intestinal walls are still bleeding from laughing over that super spoof!), Ashley dumping Ryan after he talked about tankless water heaters and the Mask guy who was paid by ABC to be on the show and captured the interest of no one. I love these trips down memory lane.
In an effort to lighten things up, Chris Harrison rolled out the blooper reel with footage the audience had never seen. My wife was so excited over this exclusive content that she fired a pistol in the air. The bloopers were classic. Ashley and Bean Bag Face ate crickets, Ashley and Josh Groban ate rice and then Ashley bought drugs from an undercover police officer. Oops! What a season!
Having no talent or creative content, ABC then whipped out a 10-minute preview of their ‘Bachelor Pad’ show. It’s all of the awfulness of the Bachelor with twice the mortal sin. I do not want to recap ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t even have a boss anymore. I should be swearing throughout this blog.
We were a half-hour into the ‘Men Tell All’ episode before any one ‘Man’ told ‘All’. They finally trotted out the guys. ABC was sure to include the Mask guy and Tim, the guy who got hammered during the first show and fell asleep in a chair before they stuffed him into a limo and sent him home. Tim was slightly easier to understand Sunday night. I’m pretty sure he had still been drinking. Plus, he had a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ on his bicep.
Mask guy talked for two seconds. Nick, the Soul Patch personal trainer guy had something to say about everyone in a desperate attempt to be on camera as much as possible.
Chris Harrison brought Nice Guy down to sit in the hot seat so he could relive being cruel to Ashley during the ‘Celebrity Roast’ episode. Get this! They showed the footage! This show is like a prison sentence, complete with shower beatings. Somewhere on the Shark Week channel, a Great White is jumping out of the water and killing something. I do love how, when they show Nice guy being mean, they cut to a shot of two women in the studio audience shaking their heads disapprovingly. The only redeeming value of the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes is the audience shots of lonely women with leathery skin and disapproving frowns.
Chris Harrison brought Ryan down to the hot seat so they could show more footage from the season. Then, he brought Bean Bag Face down to the hot seat so they could show more footage. My wife grabbed the remote TWICE to fast-forward. This season has hit new lows. I hope Ashley has cost ABC millions because her season has been the least interesting. ABC even hired guys to come on the show and add drama and the ploy failed.
Speaking of which, Bentley was mentioned plenty of times. Bentley is the paid actor who made Ashley fall in love with him and then said horrible things behind her back to make America hate him. ABC made it appear as if he were coming on the ‘Men Tell All’ episode to be confronted by Ashley’s 15 jealous boyfriends, but he wasn’t on the show. That might have actually been relevant.
They did bring Ashley out to talk all about it which helped nothing. Also, Michelle Money, the 4th worst person on Earth, stepped out of the studio audience to tell America how she knew all along that Bentley was bad. Michelle is going to be on the Bachelor Pad. So is Vienna the Dude, Jake the Pilot and Rated ‘R’ the Canadian Wrestler. Who could possibly still be reading this recap?
Just when the show could not get worse, Chris Harrison introduced 3 of Ashley’s Bachelor buddies to join the fun; Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky. I’m not into apocalyptic predictions but, when the Supreme Being decides to reduce our planet to ash, it will be because Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnik and Ali Fedotowsky are sitting on a couch telling Chris Harrison about the roller coaster ride of falling in love on a Reality T.V. show. As soon as the segment started, I duct taped Cling wrap over my windows and started to scavenge for canned goods.
I’d really love to tell you what these people said but they’re all just so awful that I couldn’t listen. I was deathly afraid that one small ounce of knowledge they passed down to Ashley would seep into my brain and I would somehow accidentally pass that trinket onto a loved one.
I did hear them giving Ashley credit for how she finally wised up and dumped Bentley after she found out that he was no good. They were nice enough to leave out the part about how Ashley never dumped Bentley. He came back and she begged him to tell her that she wasn’t ugly and then he dumped her for a second time. There was no clarity. That woman would jump into a volcano to retrieve a tissue that Bentley had just discarded. She has no self-esteem.
ABC ended the show with more… hilarious… I’m sorry. ABC ended….
Sorry. I’m fine now. Seriously….
ABC ended…. They….
ABC ended the show with more hilarious bloopers. There I got it out. Sorry. I was totally laughing, like, a ton just thinking about the bloopers. You guys! You gotta see these bloopers. It’s just nuts. Then, they previewed Monday’s finale for 10 minutes because that’s what bad TV shows do!
Hope you liked my recap and I hope you never watch a single second of ABC programming. Stay in school.Here is a link to last week's recap