I feel like Andy Dufresne, emerging from the Shawshank Prison sewage tunnel and falling out into freedom.
No more Ashley H.
It’s finally over.
The worst season of the worst show aired a final episode last night. Ashley chose a guy from her 25 boyfriends and they’ll probably get married on T.V. in a ceremony I’ll never watch. Of course, he’s already cheating on her if you believe the magazine covers you read while waiting in line at Wegmans.
ABC flies J.P. and Josh Groban to Fiji to meet Ashley's parents and then get dumped or engaged. There is a ton of crying and a ton of tattoos. Let’s recap this thing and be done with Ashley forever.
J.P. is first up to meet the family. He admits to everyone that he’s “smitten” with Ashley. They all laugh and toast the happy couple.
Then, Ashley’s sister Krysie pulls her aside to tell her that J.P. is not the guy for her.
Attention whoring runs in the H. family. Ashley’s tattooed sister Krysie had an agenda and that was to take her 15 minutes of fame and hammer it out into her own horrible reality TV show. She just outright tells her sister that she’d be miserable if she married J.P. Ashley cries for 10 minutes and speaks incoherently.
Krysie doesn’t want her sister to make another bad decision. If only someone were there for Krysie to give her this advice when she tattooed a giant Geisha to her left arm.
Ashley’s brother pulls Ashley aside to listen to her cry for 10 minutes. He says one word.
Krysie gets together with J.P. She lays into J.P. and basically tells him that he’s not right for her sister. She says that she doesn’t have a good feeling about J.P. and she saw more of a connection between Ashley and Brad Womack when he visited the H. family.
I’ll be honest, I don’t remember this flake from the Brad season but I have a good feeling that she knew that no one remembered her and she was going to make damn sure that America remembered her this time. J.P. does a good job of not punching her in the teeth. He clearly wanted to punch her judging by the look on his face.
J.P. is all sorts of confused and tells the producers that he loves Ashley but isn’t ready to propose. (FORESHADOWING!)
No one is that mean to their sister. ABC paid that girl to act like the devil. ABC is paying everyone. Did you guys get your check from ABC yet?
Josh Groban is up next to meet the H’s. Tattoo basically tells Ashley beforehand that she’s determined not to like Josh Groban too.
Ashley calls her a bitch right in time for ABC to play dramatic piano music over the sound of two sisters screaming at each other. It’s like a Disney movie. I hate this woman.
Josh Groban wins over Ashley’s family right off the bat. He’s super goofy and fun. I can’t even stand it. Ashley makes Josh Groban stand up in front of everyone and do the cute voice he uses to talk to his dog. Josh Groban says ‘no’. Ashley eventually annoys him enough to make him do his cute ‘doogie’ voice. Ashley joins in with her cute ‘doogie’ voice. Acid burns a hole into my stomach wall.
I feel so bad for their dogs.
Krysie pulls Josh Groban aside to grill him. In a stunning turn of events… SHE LIKES HIM AND IS TOTALLY COOL!
I wish Krysie had an offensive tattoo on her arm so ABC would have made her wear one of those arm-socks that the NBA made Allen Iverson wear.
Ashley and Josh Groban get a helicopter ride. ABC is just setting money on fire at this point to salvage the season. They land near a hot springs pit to rub mud all over each other. This is the third or fourth time the Bachelor people have put contestants in healing mud pits. I’m not very good at coming up with ideas for romantic dates as evidenced by the time I took my wife to a mall arcade and made her watch me play Gauntlet for 2 hours, but I think I could do better than healing mud pits for the 4th time.
The mud looks relaxing until you think about how bad it must smell.
Josh Groban then takes Ashley to his Hotel Room, but they didn’t get a card from Chris Harrison giving them permission to have sex on TV so they just talk for 5 long minutes that I’ll never get back. Josh Groban admits to Ashley that he has fallen in love with her.
He says that he never expected to find love in a million years. I don’t understand that. Didn’t the 25 guys come on the show to find love? Do you go to Mighty Taco and act surprised to find tacos? You can’t go on the Bachelorette and be surprised to find love. That’s like planning a vacation to Montana and having a flight attendant say, “Welcome to Montana.” And then you’re all, “Why am I in Montana?”
They whisper to each other and make out on the bed. Again, I couldn’t imagine being a camera man on this show. What if you farted while they were sharing a life-changing moment? What if the flames of their passion took over and they just started procreating? Would you stop taping if they forgot to ask you to leave? Would you try to join in? I got a degree in Broadcasting from Buff State but they never taught you this important information. No wonder it’s a Division III school.
Ashley gets more 1-on-1 time with J.P. the next day. She seems reserved and skeptical. Ashley tells the camera that she wishes she knew if J.P. was serious. J.P. finally tells her that he loves her and she’s all smiles.
It’s clear at this point that Ashley is choosing J.P. but didn’t want to get dumped again. She knew Josh Groban loved her so, if J.P. didn’t use the ‘L’ word, she would have gone with Josh Groban. I just called love “the L word”, but the ‘L’ word might be “lesbian”. Is ”love”’ also an ‘L’ word? Did I just say that J.P. is in lesbian with Ashley?
J.P. gives Ashley a book with pictures and notes. They show the note as Ashley begins to read it and it’s an entire page. Of course, she spends the 12 minutes to read it because this show has no content. I’m miserable.
Josh Groban and J.P. both go to pick out engagement rings the next day. Josh Groban is the only contestant who they show leaving with a ring. That is because ABC thinks we’re stupid. You know at this point that it’s J.P. but they’re trying desperately to make the end interesting by leaving a shred of doubt over whether or not J.P. proposes.
Ashley wakes up the next morning and walks on the beach to think about her men. Then she puts on a dress made out of feathers to dump a guy and get engaged to another. ABC also captures the important moment where J.P. washes his face and puts on his pants.
They fly the guys in on little planes. Josh Groban steps out first to get dumped. He doesn’t allow Ashley to speak and just barrels into his marriage proposal. Ashley says ‘No’. Josh Groban gets pissed. It’s pretty funny. I’ve never seen a dumped Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant so angry before.
He basically says, “Later!” and walks away. ABC makes him leave on a rowboat, just to make sure he has zero dignity left.
Ashley cries a ton.
J.P. is the next to fly in. Ashley has a super good poker face and runs up to hug him. J.P. takes 7 minutes to propose marriage. I try to think about how many Bills linemen I can name in my head. I get to Pears and he’s still proposing. I hate this show.
They make out for 7 more minutes. Then, ABC rolls out the footage of their boring journey set to REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. I’m pretty sure that it’s REO Speedwagon. If it’s not, please don’t bother telling me. I don’t care. To me, all bad music is REO Speedwagon. It is the perfect song to explain their pointless love.
If you think I’m recapping the next hour of ‘After the Final Rose’, you’re on crack. I won’t do it. There was way too much ‘Ashley’ talking to recap. They did not name the next Bachelor. I’m sure it’ll be Josh Groban. They just replayed the entire season over again while a live studio audience of 400 lonely women claps uncontrollably.
I don’t think I can recap the Bachelor Pad either. I hate it. I think I need the rest of the summer off. I’m considering retirement from these awful recaps.
I am so happy that Ashley is out of my life that I’m going to celebrate Tuesday night. Does anyone know where I can find an arcade with Gauntlet?
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