My favorite part of Bachelor Pad is the recap from the week before. Casey Mumbles saying, “Jake’s a snake” is the height of comedy. I rewound it 40 times. Last week, Jake went home, even though my recap may have read otherwise. (It was 1:30 in the morning! It’s a confusing show!)
They showed Jake’s goodbye speech. It was quite touching, a diatribe about taking out the power couples. I’ll bet Jake’s speech is exactly what Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansen’s ear at the end of ‘Lost in Translation’.
I totally hear Jake and vow to myself to seek out any power couples in my neighborhood and squash them. If you are a member of a power couple, get ready to get thrown out of your mansion, America.
Now, without Jake, the show is so much less classy. No one seems like they’re constantly about to punch girls. The good thing is that there is more quality time for me to hate everyone else.
We begin this week’s adventure with the bomb-drop announcement that there will be a kissing contest; the 2nd annual kissing contest. It’s only 2nd annual because they’re not counting my last 12 family reunions.
Many of the contestants are put off by the idea of a kissing contest and immediately bow out. Michele Money didn’t want to set a bad example for her kid at home. I remember how reserved she was having sex with a man in a swimming pool a few ‘Bachelor’ seasons ago.
Blake was the only guy who went all out with the smooching. He didn’t kiss Vienna because she’s a dude and would lose a beauty pageant to an earthworm.
The girls went buckwild with the smooch time. Erica, the horrible plastic piece of collagen, cleaned some fillings. She’s a triple threat of ugly; her face, her personality and her voice. It sounds like she has whooping cough.
None of the girls wanted to kiss Casey Mumbles because he had bad breath. Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t open his mouth when he talks.
Ella and Blake won the contest because they were actually trying. They get 1-on-1 dates and a freedom rose. Ella described one of her kisses as “a baby-making kiss”. Once again, the public school systems have failed us. She also remarked that her son would be so proud. If my mom won a rose for frenching herpes-ridden men on National Television, I know my heart would swell with pride.
Ella takes Kirk/Kurt for pizza and S’mores. Did you know that my computer doesn’t recognize any spelling for the word ‘S’mores’? So, if it’s spelled wrong, take it up with the government. Kirk/Kurt told the story about how he almost died from mold exposure. Ella talked about how her Mom was shot to death right in front of her and her sister by their Step Dad. It was some real ‘Laugh out Loud’ television.
Ella and Kirt/Kurk jump on a hot-air balloon. You could see a lot of her boobs. They made out in the balloon and I cried because my Mom was pushed out of a hot-air balloon in front of me and my sister by my Step Dad.
Back at the house, Crazy Melissa and Blake re-kindled their flame for the 8th time this season. They made a pact that he’d take her on his date and guarantee both of their immunity for the week. Then, disgusting princess girl Erica pulls Blake aside to give him a dirty massage. She tries to convince Blake to take her on the date. She offers to have sex with him, basically. I wish Erica had a child so that they could be proud too.
Blake announces that he’s taking Holly on the date. Crazy Melissa starts to sharpen her toothbrush into a shiv. Holly’s former break-dancing fiancé, Michael, is also now angry at Blake for trying to move in on his woman.
I will admit that this stupid move by this stupid boy makes this show incredibly interesting; much like a lump of dog poo would be interesting if worms were crawling through it. Sure, it’s disgusting, but it’s much more interesting than plain dog poo with no parasitic worms.
Editor’s note: Before you get mad at Greg, we all were pushing for him to get more ‘dog poo’ content in his recaps. It’s really a mandate from Corporate. They’ve handed down a mandatory 8% ‘dog poo’ content prerequisite.
There is a solid 14 minute segment of Melissa being a psycho because she’s lost her dentist boyfriend. I didn’t hear most of it. The other part of it was bleeped out.
I tune back in mentally when Blake makes Melissa wait outside of the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth. It’s just 45 seconds of Melissa’s tortured face accompanied by the sound of an electric toothbrush. Well done, Bachelor Pad producers.
Michael is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I Heart Water’.
Blake and Holly head out on their date. They take A PRIVATE BLEEPING JET to a ski lodge. Holly is super terrified because she can’t ski. I scream out, “Don’t worry girl!” from my couch but I forgot the show is taped so she can’t hear me.
There’s lots of footage of her falling and laughing. Just so you can understand that there is a lot of footage of her falling and laughing, I needed to point that out again. You need to know that she falls a lot and laughs a lot. There’s just so much falling and laughing.
Holly talks about how perfect the date is. That’s good information for Blake in the future. If he wants to hit a home run on a future date, just tickle her and throw her down the Alps.
Bachelor Pad takes a break from the hilarious ski date to show Michael back at the Mansion, longing for his ex-fiance’ Holly. The music provided for this footage is touching. I think Michael hearts Holly almost as much as he hearts water. ABC manages to get him in front of the fireplace with his shirt off.
Back at the ski lodge, Holly stops laughing long enough to accept a rose from Blake. They spend the night at the lodge to talk and make out and fall and laugh. If they’re not careful, they’ll become a power couple. It’s like they didn’t even listen to Jake’s speech about power couples.
When Blake and Holly get home, Michael runs to pull Holly aside to tell her he loves her. He does that crying whisper talk thing he’s gotten so good at. The last word of every sentence is just a breath. I talked like that from the age of 8-to-12. I need a font to let my readers know which words I’m thinking and which words I’m whispering…. Because… I want you guys to know… that… I really care about you.
Holly admits she kissed Blake. Michael cries and whispers. I head down to the fridge to get a snack. I mean, I tell my wife that I was getting a snack but… I was really just standing behind the refrigerator door… crying.
The rose Ceremony is next. One girl and one guy are going home.
Casey mentions a guy name ‘Bill’ and I ask my wife, “Who is Bill?” We discuss it for a moment and then remember that there’s a guy named William on the show. He hasn’t said a word for 4 episodes.
Michael and Holly ignore everyone to have their own special, secret date. Michael wants to rekindle their love and form a couple. Hopefully, it won't be a power couple. As I write this, I realize that my Mom and Dad have been married for 50 years. They are a mega-power couple. I need to break up my parents before they destroy everything.
During the commercial break, there is a live reveal for the cast of the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Do you know how you act when a bug lands on your shirt? That’s how fast I swatted away that 3 minutes of hell. The Bachelor Pad is bad. Nothing will ever be worse than Dancing with the Stars.
The women send William home. They must have grown sick of his never saying anything ever.
Melissa takes the news well. She jams newspaper into the gas tank of the ABC limo and sets it on fire. The revolver she shoots into the air eventually runs out of bullets, so she grabs a boom mic from one of the crew members and beats him to death. The cast is obviously stunned by this. Michael becomes very emotional. He takes his rose… and places it on the body of the dead boom mic operator… because he was just doing his job… and he didn’t deserve this… and I’ll miss him.
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