Bachelor Recap- On The Wings of Love

It is that time of year America. It's time for life to hold my arms behind my back and pound me in the stomach with the butt end of a rifle.

The Bachelor is back on the air.

For those of you who don't watch and are new to the show, one guy chooses a bride from 25 women. 23 of them are hot. 7 of them are planted by the producers to stir up drama and controversy. 11 of them are models or actresses auditioning for future talk show roles with ABC. 4 of them are completely out of their minds. All of them will claim to love him 17 minutes after meeting him.

This season, Jake Pavelka transforms himself from a jilted contestant to 'the Bachelor'. Jake is a nice-guy pilot from Texas who was rejected by last season's Bachelorette, Jilian. Now, he gets to choose from 25 beautiful women in what is expected to be the most dramatic season ever. Every season they say it's "the most dramatic season ever". Eventually, we are going to have to reach the breaking point of drama.

They have titled the season, "On the wings of Love", because Jake is a pilot. It's such a touching sentiment. There are rumors that, next season, The Bachelor is a garbage man. They are going to title it, "Love comes to the curb every Monday morning at 8".

Here is a recap of Episode 1:

-The "Abs" bar has been raised this season. Jake has brought some serious abs to the table and ABC wasted no time showing these suckers off. While describing how Jake is a normal, nice guy who always finishes last, they provide footage of him doing construction with his shirt off. I tried to build a shed this summer but my shirt kept getting caught in the band saw. If I only I had Jake's experience. There was a lingering shot of Jake in the shower where they showed him soaping up an ab for, like, 7 seconds. You might not think that's long, but go ahead and count to 7.

- In the interview portion of the show, Jake tells the host Chris that, after getting his heart broke by Jilian, he needed some time to recover. It would be a week and a half before they starting filming the new season. The paperwork would have to be filled out before filming began, so Jake probably had a solid hour or two before deciding he wanted to be the next Bachelor. Luckily, his heart wasn't really broken, so the transition was smooth.

- Jake stands in front of a mansion as 5 limos pull up, each carrying 5 contestants. Jake will meet each of these women, one at a time. They will say something awkward and then go inside and start drinking a helacious amount of alcohol. I've noticed that a lot of girls have been using props during their initial meeting to make more of an impression. Some girl named Valishia gave him dirt from Texas. Another girl gave him a red cooler full of ice and an actual human heart.

- You are given early clues as to who will last a couple of episodes on the show. Like, when a girl with giganic breats named Vienna is introduced, they show you a detailed, 4-minute video package describing her life back home. She's making it through a rose ceremony or two. Vienna was blonde, stunningly beautiful and had a little dog. She has never had to ask for anything her entire life. I wish they would show her doing her taxes.

- Tenley was an incredibly stupid 15-year old Dancer who got the first impression rose. She struck me as mentally unstable. During her video montage, they showed her lying around her apartment, thinking. The idea was, she was thinking about finding her true love. All I could think of was the producers instructing her to "lie down on the couch and think". And then Tenley would ask, "What should I think of?" And then the producers would say, "Think about finding your true love". And then Tenley would ask, "Like this? Does this look like I'm thinking about finding my true love?" And then the producers would say, "Yes, that's great. Just stop talking."

- My favorite to win the show was Elizabeth from Nebraska (pictures left). She's hot, somewhat normal, and will look good hosting the New Years Eve ball drop or whatever reality show ABC has lined up for her future.

- Michelle was completely out of her mind. 10 minutes after meeting Jake, she started crying because 24 other souless women were talking to him and she was suppossed to be the only souless woman who was allowed to do that. You see, Michelle is in love with Jake. When she finally got her chance to talk to Jake, she said, "I..um...would ... love to be...um....the passenger in your....um...........plane."

Michelle would be on her way home on account of being insane and stupid, but the producers get to choose a couple of contestants that Jake must move to the next round to keep the show interesting. Otherwise, he would meet Elizabeth and then tell everyone else to go home 4 seconds into the season.

- After the Bachelor, ABC rolled out a show called 'Conveyor Belt of Love'. As you might have guessed, 5 girls sit in chairs as 30 guys roll by on a conveyor belt and they choose which ones they want to go out on a date with. I got all choked up while watching 'Conveyor Belt of Love' because that's how my parents met.