Bachelorette Recap- Filthy in Fiji

Three of the worst episodes remain in this season of the Bachelorette . This is like biking 1,000 miles in the Tour de France and finding out that you now get to start climbing the mountains.

I hate Ashley H. and the three remaining men on the show. ABC also tells us right off the bat that one of the old contestants is coming back.
(Please don’t let it be Mickey.)

The group flies to Fiji so that Ashley can have sex with the guys and then dump one of them. There is very little actual content remaining on the show so ABC spends a lot of time recapping the same crap we’ve already seen. It’s not fair. I have no content to write about but I don’t repeat myself and, I never repeat myself, ever. I always keep things fresh and never repeat stuff. Even last paragraph, I wrote about one of the contestants coming back. Do you guys remember that? I wrote about how one of the contestants is coming back.
We begin our journey with Ryan coming back to stalk Ashley. I’d love to go on about how he’s a stalker and a psycho but there’s no way ABC didn’t put him up to this. This show is a miracle. They have zero respect for their viewers. I am glad that Ryan is back because he never finished extolling the benefits of tankless water heaters. People really do need to be aware of tankless water heaters. My computer doesn’t even recognize ‘tankless’ as a word.

Ryan begs Ashley to take him back. Ashley hears him out with a lot of head nodding. It’s clear that she’s a bit freaked out by his return. He gives her his room number in Fiji and asks her to think things over. Then he goes outside so cameras can capture him thinking by a waterfall.

Ashley’s first date in Fiji is with Ben. She thinks about Ben on a pier. And I know what you guys are thinking. You’re thinking, “How do you know she’s thinking about Ben on a pier?” Well guys, they showed her on a pier and she was thinking and then you heard a voice over of Ashley talking about Ben. She was either thinking about Ben or it was all a huge coincidence.

Ben and Ashley go on a boat. Ben declares that he is a more ‘open and emotional Ben’. I noticed it. I’m glad he did. Ashley begs Ben to put lotion on her back. Then, he rubs some on her boob. Then, they have sex on National Television. I wonder if there’s someone watching this show in a Hospital Emergency Waiting room. Think of how awkward it would be to bring in your 8-year old with a 104 degree temperature to the E.R. and then the Bachelorette teaches them what sex is. Maybe it would be convenient.

Ben and Ashley do some snorkeling. The Pirates are playing the Braves on ESPN right now. They’re in first place and I’m watching two idiots snorkeling.

When they’re done snorkeling, they eat outside with, I’m guessing, 5 million flies. Ben tells Ashley that he’s falling in love with her because he’d like to be the next Bachelor after their 3-month relationship. At the very least, I’ll bet he’d like to get on the Bachelor Pad. He’s halfway through telling her that he loves her, but he chickens out and goes in for a kiss.

Ashley busts out the Fantasy Suite card. If you’ve never seen the Bachelor/Bachelorette before, when there are only 3 contestants left, they each get a hotel room with the main slut to bump and grind. They don’t bring the cameras into the bedroom to film carnal acts, but they do tape about 40 minutes of make outs and pool groping. It’s uncomfortable.

Ashley’s next date is with the other Josh Groban. Josh Groban has been moving much slower than J.P. and Josh Groban. Ashley is concerned that they’re running out of time to connect.
Their date begins with a helicopter ride and it’s about damn time. There has been almost no helicopter action this season.

Their helicopter flies over Ryan, standing on a coral reef. It has been a couple of days and Ryan hasn’t heard from Ashley. He’s so lucky.

Josh Groban and Ashley jump off of a waterfall. Ashley equates the action with the leap that one takes falling in love. It’s not entirely accurate because it’s very hard to catch a venereal disease jumping off of a waterfall.

Ashley and Josh Groban are eating dinner. Ashley begs Josh Groban to tell her that he loves her. He talks about how he’s kind of just hanging out. Ashley again inquires about his level of interest in her. Josh Groban begins his “I’m about to dump you” speech. Just as Josh Groban is about to dump her, President Barack Obama interrupts the show to tell America that we all need to start growing our own food. It’s a 15-minute cliff hanger. I’m mad because I was really into Josh Groban dumping Ashley. Luckily, ABC assures us that we’ll see the dumping in its entirety.

We return mid-dumping and Josh Groban pulls a thumbs-up “I’m outskie!” Ashley takes the dumping quite well for a woman with no self-esteem. She cuts herself under the table.

The next day, Ashley shows up at Ryan’s hotel because producers needed to fill the 20-minute hole that was reserved for Ashley and Josh Groban’s Fantasy Suite pool escapade. Ashley admits to Ryan that Josh Groban went home last night, but she says that Josh Groban went home because they both felt like the relationship was going nowhere. She tries to play it off like it was some mutual revelation. As I recall, Ashley begged Josh Groban to show an interest in her for an hour, and then he got sick of her face and left. I hope she sees how stupid she looks watching that back.

Ryan asks to get back on the show but Ashley declines the invitation. Ryan cries again. He talks to the camera about how much he needs someone in his life. He says, “It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” The Pirates are up 2-0 on the Braves in the 4^th. Also, our country doesn’t have any money. It’s been a busy night.

Ashley has her final date of the night with J.P. They take a plane to an island. They were already on a beautiful island, but ABC decided they needed to take a plane to a different island. This is why our country doesn’t have any money. We could have used that cash to make a few hundred car engines.

J.P. and Ashley play on the beach and he laments the fact that his girlfriend is humping other guys in Fantasy Suite pools. Then, they make out in the ocean. It may have been a lagoon. This show never ends. At one point, they’re kissing in the water and we watch the passion from a camera in the water. ABC threw some waders on a poor camera guy and made him hold a 200-pound camera in the middle of the ocean. It’s like they don’t have zoom lenses. They need to get a shot right over J.P.’s shoulder as he jams his tongue down Ashley’s throat. I wish so badly that the President would interrupt us with a report about a planet-destroying comet.

J.P. and Ashley eat dinner outside. He says that it’s the most romantic setting. Clearly, he didn’t hear about Bean Bag Face’s theory on Magnolia trees.

J.P. tells the camera that he’s in love with Ashley but he’s not ready to tell her yet. I know that I’ve been watching this show for one hundred seasons and I’m not ready to hear it. Ashley tells J.P. that she’s already sent two guys home. J.P. gets excited because he thinks he’s now the only dude left. Silly Ashley was just having some fun, though. She reveals that Ryan came back and was sent home to fill 20 minutes of programming. They have a good laugh together.

When they’re done eating, they go to their hotel room to have sex. I could not be an ABC camera guy. They have to stand in these Fantasy Suite rooms and get up close to a man straddling a woman. I’m uncomfortable watching from my living room, I can’t imagine being 8-feet away and hearing all of the noises.

The three dates are over and there are still 30 minutes left in this sink hole. It must be time for a Chris Harrison interview. The jerk explains to the portion of the audience with no short-term memory what they just watched.

Then Chris Harrison points out that there are two guys left and two roses, but they’re still having a Rose Ceremony. He asks “Why?”
I raise my hand at home and say, “Because there is no content in this soulless venture that has gone 8 seasons too long!” Ashley interrupts my answer and talks about how important the fake rose ceremony will be to give the guys another chance to dump her. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s exactly what she says. She says that she wants to give the two remaining contestants one last chance to dump her. I know I just repeated myself, but I need to be clear on this. Ashley, a woman dumped about 4 times this season, wants to give her final two contestants another chance to dump her. I thought America had problems.

Ashley starts off the Rose Ceremony by telling the truth about being dumped by the other Josh Groban. Then, she begs one of the guys to dump her. Both men decline to do so. They must be drugged.

A quick heads up to both of my readers: The ‘Men tell all’ episode is Sunday night and the finale of the show is in one week on Monday night. There is no two-week wait for the final episode. It’s almost over, everyone. Perhaps ABC is as sick of Ashley as I am. Also, the Pirates held on to beat the Braves 3-1.

I have a photographic memory

About a month or so ago, I ran the half Buffalo Marathon. (or is it the Buffalo half-marathon?.. look there's no time. I'll figure this out later and edit it into the blog. You guys are already falling behind the other readers and need to catch up. Just skip to the next paragraph. There's nothing really important in the first paragraph.)

I wanted to blog about the experience, but I forgot. Plus, running is about the most boring thing in the world and it sucks. Luckily, I have a photographic memory so, tonight, I took down my account of running my first half-marathon. There are spelling and gramatical errors because it's a blog and I've been drinking and you need to relax.

Here it is. My account of the thing. You're better off not reading this:

The first mile was easy. I was talking while running and I wasn’t even out of breath. I don’t think that I’m in shape, so I’m sure the adrenaline was carrying me.

I decided to run the second mile with my eyes closed. I allowed my ears to guide me through the streets of downtown Buffalo. I ran into the back of about 12 or so people and they were angry. Some people think they own the road.

Around mile 3, I started to get hungry so I ordered a pizza. Even after pleading directly to the delivery guy, they would not deliver a pizza to Mile 4 of the Buffalo Marathon. Luckily, I put some spaghetti in my fanny pack. If you think cutting spaghetti is hard, try doing it while running.

I threw up twice from Mile 4 to Mile 5, but the spastic contractions of my stomach did not slow me down. A medic drove up on a cart and tried to convince me to take a rest. I gave him the finger; like I’m going to take nutrition advice from a ‘Medic’. Go back to Medical school and study before you tell me what to do.

Immediately after crossing the Mile 6 line, I passed out and hit my head on a curb. I’m told that I got up and ran another quarter mile but I can’t remember. Who invented curbs, by the way? Do cars really need help staying on the road? If you ask me, we only have curbs to line the pockets of those fat cats in Washington.

After resting for a few minutes, I sprinted to make up for lost time. Sprinting during a half marathon sucks because, all of the sudden, everyone wants to know you.

I got a rock in my shoe at the 9.5 mile mark. I tried just pressing harder on the foot to try and crush the rock under my weight, but it didn’t work. I then tried to convince my mind to evolve into a being with 'rock' feet. This way, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Unfortunately, this process would take millions of years and the half marathon would be over. I ultimately decided to just reach down and take my shoe off, find the rock and then swallow it. I care about my fellow runners and didn’t want this to happen to anyone else.

My legs started to hurt for the next two miles because I forgot to put my shoe back on and I was running unevenly. It's amazing how much your mind can forget when you're concussed and born an idiot.

The last leg of the half marathon was the hardest. People gather down the home stretch to cheer you to the finish line. They wouldn't shut up no matter how much I yelled at them. I couldn't concentrate and forgot what I was doing. Someone brought their dog with them and I remember thinking how easily I could beat it up.

Then, I was home.

I think we've all learned something here. I should have gone to bed hours ago.

Bachelorette Recap- ABC Bores America

Ashley is almost done torturing America. First she has to annoy a couple of families and then dump one of her boyfriends. It’s almost over everyone, I promise.

J.P., Bean Bag Face, Josh Groban and Josh Groban remain on this, the worst, season of the Bachelorette. There are so many things that I’ll take away from this adventure, like a half dozen kidney stones created from the build-up of extra calcium from the 12 or so Tums I have to ingest during each commercial break to keep myself from throwing up a river of stomach bile due to the awfulness that is Ashley H.

I should warn my readers that I’m sunburnt and dehydrated from the WGR 550 Golf tournament and yet the first thing I do is head home and watch two hours of awful programming so you have something to print out and read while you’re using the bathroom.

I hope you are all happy. (In a Golf Tournament full of men, cigars and alcohol, I was told, by two separate people, who is going to win this season based on Rumor websites. That’s the power of the Bachelorette. It’s sweeping.)

Ashley is going to the hometowns of her remaining contestants. First, she goes to her place so a camera guy can stand in her kitchen and film her sorting through her mail and drinking a mug of water. Her apartment is immaculate.

Josh Groban gets the first home town date. He lives in Cumming, Georgia. They meet in a park and then head over to Josh Groban’s restaurant. He owns a restaurant and it is called Gorgio’s, not Josh Groban’s. Ashley remarks how sexy Josh Groban looks while working in his restaurant. Then, a pan falls onto the floor and she remarks how sexy the pan that has fallen on the floor looks. Then, the pan does not pay attention to her and she cuts herself.

They put on gloves and make a salad but Ashley does not wear a hairnet. The hundred or so people who pulled a yard of hair out of their food that day now have an explanation. They eat their hair-filled dinner outside on the patio and ABC begs all of the waitresses to stare at them through the window and wonder aloud if they’re going to kiss. Then, ABC makes Ashley and Josh Groban kiss so all of the waitresses can squeak and makes annoying girl noises. To erase this from my memory, I pause the Bachelorette and pull up 10 minutes of Death Wish IV on my DVR.

When their done choking down their hair pizza, the happy couple heads to Josh Groban’s house to disappoint his family. They seem nice. They speak Italian and eat a meal of food that should be considerably hair-free.

Josh Groban’s Mom pulls Ashley aside to make sure she’ll give her son a chance at some Fantasy Suite rubbin’ and bumpin’.

Josh Groban and his dad have a heart-to-heart talk and I don’t understand a word of it. His family does a solid job of not embarrassing themselves on National Television…. Until 12 thousand people pour through the front door and dance. I pause the Bachelorette and give Death Wish IV another 10 minutes.

Ashley moves on to the hometown of Bean Bag Face; Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. I’ve never heard of it either. Ashley meets Bean Bag Face’s family who, surprisingly, all have normal faces. His brother kind of looks like he murders people in basements. This segment of the show is boring as mud. I’ll admit that there was a ton of talking but I didn’t listen to any of it. I played a little Spider Solitaire and got a piece of meat out of my teeth with a pen cap.

I like Bean Bag Face. I think he has a good chance to be the next Bachelor. That’s what this show is all about. It’s not about people getting married. It’s about someone getting dumped, but pulling it off with enough class to capture the hearts of a couple of women who are lonely enough to send emails to ABC.

At one point, I make the mistake of paying attention to the dialogue and I’m quite certain they’re just replaying scenes to fill the 2 hours.ABC is still running commercials for Combat Hospital! Are people watching Combat Hospital? Should I be recapping Combat Hospital? Am I swearing a bunch in this recap?

Bean Bag Face and Ashley have a picnic under Magnolia trees. Bean Bag Face says that “a picnic under Magnolia trees is so romantic”. My wife and I high-five, because he just totally nailed it there. Then, Bean Bag Face talks about magic. I’m pretty sure he’s a robot. Ashley kisses the robot.

“I believe that time is standing still under this Magnolia tree.” – That’s a Bean Bag Face quote that you missed because you don’t watch the Bachelorette, idiot.

There are still two more dates and I’m totally out of beer.

Ashley flies to Sonoma, CA to meet the other Josh Groban. He’s excited to show Sonoma to Ashley. Ashley is excited because they meet in the middle of a vineyard and there are no other women around to pay attention to.

Josh Groban runs a winery. As Josh Groban demonstrates how he gets the wine out of the barrels, Ashley is seen, again, without a hairnet. The hundreds of people pulling hair out of their Josh Groban wine now have an explanation.

Josh Groban talks about his dead father. I’m not sure why he waited so long to pull this club out of his bag. Dead family member-talk always gets you the rose. I wish everyone in my family was dead.

We learn that Josh Groban and his sister are very close. She pulls Josh Groban into the other room for a therapy session while Ashley looks through photo albums. It’s much more boring than I can possibly describe.

Josh Groban’s sister wants to make sure he’s ready for a long-term relationship. Josh Groban’s Mom talks Josh Groban through the pain he is still harboring over his father’s death. I’m suddenly watching Dr. Phil. It’s nice that we hardly hear a word from Ashley during this 20-minute therapy session, but I’m uncomfortable with emotional breakthroughs. These are all things this family could have really cleared up before the television cameras arrived.

To complete the evening, Ashley tells the viewers that she can see herself spending the rest of her life with Josh Groban. This is the third straight contestant with whom she could see herself spending the rest of her life. I hope Josh Groban doesn’t mind living with another Josh Groban, and Bean Bag Face and a J.P.

Speaking of J.P., I can’t believe you’re still reading this recap. This one could be my worst. Ashley meets J.P. in Roslyn, N.Y.

J.P. is a super fun guy and has a super fun surprise for Ashley. HE’S TAKING HER ROLLER SKATING AT LACE’S ROLLER RINK! Those geniuses at ABC (or is it Genii?) turn off the lights and play music for our deranged couple to set the mood for some creepy, empty Roller Rink make-out time. REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore” blares in the background. I know he’s not watching the show, but I can still feel Bulldog shudder.

When they’re done making me tear up from romantic antics on wheels, J.P. takes Ashley to meet his family.

J.P.’s mom pulls him aside to warn him about the dangers of falling in love. I haven’t done a good job of describing how much soft piano is used during the production of the Bachelorette. It’s slopping over the sides with soft piano. I’ll bet the soft piano industry was in shambles until the Bachelorette came along. Before this show, the only place you would hear this much soft piano was my grandmother’s living room.

J.P. and his brother talk about whether or not he’s in love and the soft pianist almost breaks his finger over the serenity of the moment. This is the most dramatic home town date ever.

J.P.’s family does not embarrass themselves, even after bringing out a picture of J.P. with a mullet. None of the hometown dates was horrifically embarrassing. There were no dead bird funerals or drunken mom’s hitting on contestants. This was a huge waste of time.

ABC gives Chris Harrison twenty minutes to recap everything we just watched. Then, Ashley sends Bean Bag Face home. The look on his Bean-Bag face is priceless. He can’t believe it and looks around to make sure that he is the only one without a rose. Bean Bag Face plays it perfectly. He cries a bit and lets her down easily, maintaining a good shot at being the next Bachelor.

I already miss Bean Bag Face’s wit and poetry. He was like the Bachelorette’s Yoda. He even kind of looked like Yoda.

Next week, there is a ton of sex. Goodbye soft piano. Hello Saxophone!

Bachelorette Recap- Back With a Vengence

The Bachelorette took a week off for our nation's birthday. It was a nice vacation for me. It was very much like when, in an action movie, the hero is lifted up out of a bathtub full of water while being tortured by terrorists.

I gasped for some air and then ABC jammed by head right back into that tub last night for 2 hours.

When we last left our heroine, she was incredibly insecure and annoying. Luckily, nothing has changed.

Ashley H. is in Taiwan with a bunch of Grobans, Bean Bag Face, Ryan, J.P. and Lucas. This show is making no progress. There are still 6 guys left. Are they adding people?

This is a special episode as we are told that Emily is back for an interview. All of those questions we have about her relationship with Brad Womack will finally be answered. I know I've had questions. Personal emails sent to me containing links to gossip websites say that Emily is to be named the next Bachelorette. I’m sure Ashley heard the news and immediately cut herself.

Our story continues with 4 dates; three 1-on-1's and a group date. It's tough to concentrate on the show for me because I'm so angry about the impending Emily interview.

We open with lots of footage of the 2-hour show we are about to watch. That's how you fill two hours, America. You show everything 100 times. Ashley says that Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia. Can a jewel really be hidden if millions upon millions of people have vacationed, taken pictures of, filmed and walked on it? Were all of these people unaware of where they were? Am I mistaken and no one has ever really heard of Taiwan? Could it be that I'm more cultured than most? I was a part of a country draft.

Ashley and Josh Groban jump on a train and go to a village that I can’t spell and refuse to look up. Ashley is wearing jeans tight enough to expose her circulatory system and heels big enough to qualify her to immediately become a hooker. (It’s Taiwanese law)

The date begins as most do. Ashley and Groban paint “love” wishes on the sides of papier-mâché lanterns so they can sail them up into the air at night and annoy all onlookers. Then, they kiss and talk a lot. This particular Groban has been very open with Ashley about the fact that he is not in love with her. It's a smart play when dealing with a woman who possesses no self-esteem.

While the happy couple releases their love message balloon into the Taiwanese night, ABC producers send up a couple hundred more balloons. I know I can be cynical and that I poke fun at this show, but this moment can only be described as magical.

It was magic. If you watch the show, you saw something magical. What else can I say?

The other Josh Groban gets the next 1-on-1 date. I'm confused. They jump on a moped to tour Taiwan. Then they make out.

For dinner, Ashley completes the transformation and actually dresses like a prostitute. I keep waiting for a couple of G.I.’s to interrupt them and take her away for a few minutes.

Josh Groban confides with Ashley that he’s falling in love with her. She asks him if he’s also falling in love with Emily or Chantal. The date goes so well that it lasts throughout the night. The next morning, the rest of the contestants wake up and are steamed that Josh Groban isn’t home yet. Josh Groban finally arrives at the hotel and admits that he was out all night with Ashley but they slept in different beds. I guess he didn’t have enough cash.

The group date is next. Ashley takes Lucas, J.P., and Bean Bag Face to get wedding pictures taken. Those wacky producers are always up to something! I screamed, “Wedding pictures? They’re not married!” Then, I giggled for 4 hours. It was so hard to fall asleep last night. Seriously! Wedding Pictures!

J.P. complains the entire group date because he's dating a girl who is also dating 5 other guys. Ashley tells J.P. that her heart breaks to see him sad, so she gives him a rose. A rose is very important at this point of the show because... I seriously can't believe anyone would read these recaps. This show is putrid.

Ryan finally gets a 1-on-1 date. They go to a temple where hundreds of people are praying. I’m sure these poor people, on their knees and bearing their souls, very much appreciate the desperate hoochie in the backless shirt parading one of her six boyfriends around their sainted prayer circle. At least Ashley and Ryan didn’t make out in the temple.

Five minutes in, Ashley figures out that they she doesn’t like Ryan. It makes for an awkward date. I hit the info button and see that we’re on our final date of the week and there is still an hour left. What the hell are they going to show us for an hour? Could that interview with Emily really last an hour? The woman is boring. Once she’s done talking about her dead fiancé, the conversation is over. Anyway, I have that to look forward to.

Meanwhile, Ryan is explaining how water heaters work. I didn’t make that up. He went from being on a date to trying to sell Ashley a tank less water heater. Ashley starts crying and dumps him. I’ve got to hand it to this show. It is a special kind of awful awesome.

Ryan starts crying. Ashley cries some more. Luckily, I’m still laughing on the inside over those wacky wedding pictures, so I’m able to keep it together.
After dumping Ryan, Ashley immediately changes her mind and confesses to the camera that she may have made the wrong decision. That means we get to look forward to him coming back when one of the other guys get sick of her.

ABC fills in some time with 5 full minutes of Ryan crying. The camera guy actually zooms in on his eyes so we all know he’s not kidding. The farewell interview lasts so long they it gets dark out while he’s crying and telling America that he wants to find his special someone. It’s a strong play to be the next Bachelor.

Chris Harrison is able to secure an interview with Ashley. They sit down to tell everyone what they just spent an hour and a half watching. Ashley tells Chris that she’s skipping the cocktail party because she’s already made her decision on the other contestant she is sending home.

The Rose Ceremony is next. I’m excited because two guys go home this week. That puts us one week closer to not having to ever hear Ashley talk again. Ashley sends Lucas home. I like Lucas because he comes across as the kind of guy who would yell at his kids. Kids need to be yelled at sometimes. Maybe if Ashley's dad yelled at her, she'd have some self-esteem. Of course, my Dad yelled at me and I write a Bachelorette recap every week.

Lucas is a pro's pro. There are no tears shed by Lucas on the exit interview.

There are still 20 minutes left for ABC to sneak in that interview with the black hole that is Emily. If you're new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, here's Emily's story. She won last season and got to be Brad Womack's girl. Things didn't work out and she spent 4 months on the cover of magazines. Now, she's back to tell her story that has been told more accurately by others already.

Emily tells Chris Harrison that she will always love Brad but things couldn't work out because he was having trouble adjusting from being a single guy to being an engaged guy. I'm assuming that means he cheated on her, but I really don't care.

Then, Emily whines about how hard it has been trying to live her life after being on the Bachelor because the paparazzi follow her around and take pictures of her and her little girl. Chris Harrison joins in with some strong words about how annoying those pesky paparazzi can be. These statements, of course, are coming from a man and woman on a Reality television show.

I'm not going to defend the paparazzi. Anyone who camps out at a Gas and Sip to take pictures of a woman with her 5 year-old daughter while they clean off their windshield is a scumbag. I AM going to go ahead and never feel sorry for a woman who chose to date a guy who was dating 24 other women on National Television. It doesn't take much foresight to envision your life being altered a little bit. We're talking about a woman who once turned off a light, closed a door and allowed for an ABC camera guy to sit in the corner of her daughter's bedroom and film her falling asleep.

This tear fest interview was made even worse by the knowledge that Emily is going to be the next Bachelorette. So, to recap, a woman bawling her eyes out because she and her poor daughter can't live their lives in peace is ready to sign on for 5-or-so months of dating 25 guys on camera. As much as I hate Ashley H., the Emily Bachelorette season is going to be a new level of terrible. She's uninteresting. Not that I wouldn't punch my parents in the face to spend 3 minutes standing next to her and staring. She's easy on the old looking balls.

Emily made it through the entire interview without mentioning her dead fiancé'. I guess she takes life one fiancé' at a time.

The final thing we see tonight is blooper footage of a dog peeing on Ashley and Josh Groban's love message balloon. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to decide whether or not I'm kidding about that.

Another 'I Love Terry Pegula' Blog

I’m the youngest of 7 kids. We didn’t get Burger King, we got home burgers. We didn’t get Coco Puffs or even Cheerios. We got Toasted Oats and generic bags of a cereal called Wheat Puffs.

Every once and a while, my Dad’s friend, Uncle Leo, would take us fishing. Going fishing with Uncle Leo always meant a trip to McDonald’s. I’m told we used to reach over the seat and grab his head and turn it towards a McDonald’s if we were driving past one.

That’s how it feels to be a Sabre fan today. It feels like I’m in the back seat of Uncle Leo’s car. Only, instead of Uncle Leo, it’s Uncle Terry; and we’re driving past Brad Richards and I’m grabbing Uncle Terry’s head and turning it in that direction.

I don’t even know if I want Brad Richards, but I’m so sick of Wheat Puffs that I’m gonna eat three bowls of Brad Richards before I go to bed.
Buffalo fans have grown tired of watching Dominik Hasek and Jason Peters go off to the places that pay. We’re sick of hearing terms like ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘cash to the cap’.

I think Buffalo Sports fans are so sick of eating the cheap cereal that they might not even mind my posting the 400^th ‘We Love Terry Pegula’ article on this site. Obviously, the Sabres can make every right move and it still will not guarantee a Stanley Cup. The team could make a series of horrible moves over the course of the next few weeks and blow up a stable roster foundation but Sports is an escape and it’s supposed to be fun, not painful.

This is fun. And, like I did when I was a kid, I’m going to make sure I don’t finish my pop until I get home so I can show off my cup and gloat to my brothers that I got McDonald’s and they didn’t.

Side Note: I had a very happy childhood, despite endless boxes of Kix and my brother Donny folding me into a couch bed and jumping up and down on it.

Bachelorette Recap- Awesome in Hong Kong

If ABC made a dog the next Bachelorette and had twelve guys yelling, “Here boy!” while holding out Snausages for the Rose Ceremony, it would be the same thing as using Ashley H.

Ashley is stupid, insecure and desperate and I’m tired of watching her beg for reassurance. This, of course, made last night’s episode of the Bachelorette awesome.

I would say that watching this season has been Hell, but I doubt that Hell is this boring. It’s been a tough road for viewers. Most of my recaps have been made up. We finally received actual content last night.

Things began with a bang. After stupid footage of Ashley walking around Hong Kong in pants that in no way allowed blood to circulate, Chris Harrison walked over to Ashley’s hotel room to drop bombs.(Not the awesome part)

Chris, followed by camera men, knocks on her door. Ashley, after being told by producers that Chris would be arriving and then having make-up applied for an hour, answers the door and acts surprised to see him.

Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has been flown to Hong Kong to give Ashley closure. She starts crying because she’s an idiot. Ashley composes herself and then walks down the hall to Bentley’s Hotel room.

She knocks on his door.
(Again, not the awesome part)

Bentley asks, “Who is it?” This show is awful.

If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Bentley is a paid actor who comes on the show to act mean behind Ashley’s back and make my wife angry. He left the show to add drama after making this idiot girl fall in love with him. (Or pretend like she’s in love with him. I can’t figure out if she’s in on it yet.) Now Bentley has been flown halfway around the world for a 10 minute scene.

Bentley and Ashley have a heart-to-heart. She begs him to either come back on the show or dump her. Bentley, who enjoys being on T.V., drags it out as long as he can. It is pretty painful to see this woman pine for Bentley. He’s trying not to laugh the entire time, but does let her down easy and tells her there is no future for them as a 6-month Reality T.V. couple.
(Not the awesome part)

Ashley leaves and tells the camera that she’s over Bentley. She even swears. She says, “Bleep you Bentley!” ABC bleeped out one of the words there. I’m not certain what she was trying to say.

The normal portion of the show begins. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date in Hong Kong. The first date goes to Lucas, the guy from Texas who wasn’t annoying enough to get a nickname.

Ashley and Lucas walk around Hong Kong and shop while ABC plays sound of Ashley convincing America that she’s over Bentley. Then they get on a boat. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. There is no actual content. It’s just a bunch of people eating and talking.

Ashley and Lucas get on a boat to eat and talk.
(Not the awesome part)

She gives him a rose because he pays attention to her.

The next day, we get a pointless group date. 6 of the guys are brought to the beach where they are commanded to go out into town and recruit people for a Dragon Boat race. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. This is a dating show where, at the end, someone proposes marriage after dating a girl, who is dating 20 other guys, for a couple of weeks. ABC decided that a good way for them to get to know Ashley even better would be to spend zero time with her. It’s quite brilliant.

The guys run off to find people who either A. Speak English or B. Follow strange people to beaches to Dragon Boat Race. Surprisingly, many people in Hong Kong are in Dragon Boat leagues. It must be like slow-pitch Softball over there.

They put the two Josh Grobans on the same team to confuse the hell out of me. It’s not really that these guys look exactly alike, I just care so little that I refuse to try and differentiate. To further confuse me, the Grobans buy matching Kimonos. I did not make that part up. Look at the game tape.

This recruitment process is followed by 25 solid minutes of amateur Dragon Boat Racing.
(Not the awesome part)

Mickey and Bean Bag Face win. For their win, Mickey and Bean Bag face are rewarded with nothing.

Next comes the drinking. Ashley takes the group to a big hotel and makes out with a bunch of them. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Stop reading these recaps. Nothing happens. This is an awful show and doesn’t deserve your attention. You would better spend your time changing out the water in your ice cube trays.

Ashley gives Ryan a rose and all of the guys get mad because they hate Ryan.
(Not the awesome part)

J.P. gets the one-on-one date the next day. Ashley no longer has Bentley, so she convinces herself that she’s falling in love with J.P.

She tells J.P. all about the Bentley situation, despite her fear that J.P. will get mad and leave. I should stop and clarify. Ashley spends 5 minutes beginning to tell J.P. all about Bentley, then ABC goes to commercial, then ABC plays the last 5 minutes all over again. I scream and pound on an end table.

J.P. takes the news of Bentley well, so he gets a rose. Then, Ashley and J.P. make out for a bit. He actually gets his entire mouth around her chin. And, because his microphone is right up next to her face, the audience gets to hear all of the slurping.
(Not the awesome part)

Here’s the awesome part. Ashley feels confident after her date with J.P., so she tells the rest of the guys that she had fallen in love with Bentley before he left and that she talked to Bentley last night in person for some closure.

The guys do not take it well. Many of them start swearing and Ashley starts crying. Lucas appears to be the angriest and gets a look on his face like he wants to hit her. The guys will surely feel even worse after watching the show back when they see that Ashley would have totally taken Bentley back if he had not dumped her a second time.

Bean Bag face and Ryan tell Ashley that everything is okay. Mickey, WHO SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, tells Ashley that she’s an idiot and then leaves the show. He does so in a classy fashion. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re next Bachelor.
(That’s the awesome part)

Mickey is awesome. He got sick of Ashley, so he left his paid vacation in Hong Kong to get away from her. And, there is no way he wasn’t getting a rose. The next part of my recap is for Mickey only.

Dear Mickey,

If you need anything from Buffalo, let me know; Bison Dip, Cheerios, WGR 550 T-shirts? Whatever you need, just drop me an email. We even ship Mighty Taco now.

The rest of the show is stupid because no one voluntarily leaves. Ashley cries a bunch. Chris Harrison is going to need a vacation and some fluids because he gets pulled on for another interview with Ashley. This guy is a workaholic.

I root heavily for Lucas to leave the show too. It looks like he's ready to the entire time. He's not smiling. He's doing that thing where you bite the inside of your mouth and pretend to smile while fiddling through your pockets for weapons.

Ashley sends Blake, the dentist home because he had the nerve to act angry at her for having Bentley flown to Hong Kong to waste his time.

The Rose Ceremony is temporarily interrupted when Chris Harrison collapses from exhaustion.

The preview of upcoming Bachelorette footage shows plenty of heartbreak for Ashley. I hope it’s painful. I also hope she walks on a deck in bare feet and gets a giant sliver and that ABC shows the 4 and a half minutes of her screaming while some poor intern has to pull it out with tweezers.

Bachelorette Recap- This Woman is Pathetic

Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7^th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.

ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.

When we last left Ashley H. she was completely void of self-worth and desperately trying to get 11 men to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. We’ve been teased all week long over the fact that Bentley was coming back to break Ashley’s heart some more. She brings her boyfriends to Chiang Mai in Thailand to kickbox and run into her fake ex-boyfriend, Bentley.

Beanbag thinks that Chiang Mai is the most romantic place on earth. He’s never been to South Buffalo after 3 a.m.

The production crew gets in place early to film shots of Ashley walking through the streets, deep in thought. Ashley thinks that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love, despite the fact that there are zero mechanical bulls.

There will be three dates this week; a one-on-one date, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one man is immediately asked to go home while Ashley and the other guy finish their dinner.

One of the Josh Grobans gets his first one-on-one date. He and Ashley walk through Chiang Mai. I’d like to take a moment and point out how there have been zero helicopter rides so far this season. Nowhere has the bad economy hit harder than Reality Television. These sluts used to ride Helicopters everywhere. Now, they’re riding coach to Vegas and taking Mopeds through 3^rd world countries. To be fair, most of the budget was spent on paying actors to pretend that they're contestants.

Ashley and Josh Groban paint umbrellas. I’ll let that sink in. She asks him if he thinks she’s pretty and then cuts herself. Then, they visit an old temple where people aren’t allowed to kiss. She gives him fifty dollars to kiss her. It’s quite romantic and pointless.

During the commercial break, Mike Rowe tries to sell me things while never taking off his baseball hat. He’s like Ken Griffey Jr. I’ve never seen him without one.

When we return to the action, Ashley and Josh Groban eat food in a candlelit garden. It would have been a slow scene, but they fill the time by talking about the pointless date we just watched. Groban talks about how his dead Father turned him into a man. Ashley interrupts him to ask if it’s time to kiss.

Josh Groban gets a rose. There are still over 90 minutes to go in the show. We've got a long way to go before the Bentley footage.

The next day, Ashley takes 8 guys on a group date. Because there hasn’t been enough grappling hook adventures this season, ABC Producers make the 8 men kick box each other. We finally get a chance to see some of the guys take off their shirts. Most of the contestants get into it, but Bean Bag Face doesn’t like fighting. He gets stuck with the pink fighting gear and the audience is immediately made aware of the fact that Bean Bag will soon go to the hospital based on the barrage of promos we’ve seen over the past week.

Ashley talks about how nervous she is to see her boyfriend’s punching and kicking each other. It’s nice foreshadowing for the ambulance scene. We only have to sit through 20 minutes or so before Bean Bag get broken. He fights Ryan, the guy everyone hates, and gets his bell rung. He got a nice concussion and sits there with the same look I had on my face when Brett Hull held a Cup up at Center Ice of the H.S.B.C. Arena. (That’s 2 sports references. You’re welcome.) The injury totally was not worthy of the dramatic teaser footage. I was expecting a bear attack with missing limbs.

Ashley is very concerned over Bean Bag face, and the fact that no one has told her that she’s not ugly in the last 15 minutes. The group gets showered and has a cocktail party. Bean Bag Face shows up late to add some drama. He can’t talk right because his brain is still bruised from being punched. I can’t wait for future Bachelorette contestants to donate their brains to science to prove how costly a career in Reality TV can be to one’s brain. (Seriously, three Sports References. I’m this close to Andy making this one of the main stories on the site.)

Lucas mentions that he Golfs and Ashley shoves her butt into his crotch and begs him to show her how to Golf. Lucas seems uncomfortable, but doesn’t want her to cry, so he begrudgingly spoons her for a couple of seconds.

There is so much talking this episode. It’s painful. Can’t they find out how someone’s loved one died and go do the exact thing that loved one died doing like last season? Can you tell I was a guest bartender Monday night and wrote this recap after many Irish Car bombs? Is anyone else excited that the ‘tags’ section of this recap may contain the phrase ‘Irish Car bomb’? These questions aren’t rhetorical, by the way.

The next day, Jowls and Nice Guy head off for their 2-on-1 date. Neither man is looking forward to it. It’s not stressful enough to make out with a mildly attractive girl in front of millions of people. Adding the threat of being dumped during dinner makes it that much more of a pressure cooker.

Ashley takes the men for a ride on some elephants. I think Ashley rode Elephants with Brad Womack. Again, this show is dirt poor and out of ideas.

Nice Guy takes advantage of some alone time with Ashley by throwing Jowls under the bus. He says that Jowls is looking forward to getting kicked off of the show so he can parlay his Network TV appearance into playing the field back home. Ashley handles the news well by cutting herself.

The trick works as Ashley sends Jowls home. Nice Guy will no longer be referred to as ‘Nice Guy’ from this point on. He’s William. I hope you’re able to keep up at home. Jowls is wearing Moccasins with no socks. My feet would smell like stomach bile filtered through a used diaper if I did that.

Ashley and William eat dinner while he blows his chances by telling her he’s not grown up yet. Ashley makes it a double-kill 2-on-1 by sending William home too. It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. It’ll be nice for Jowls to watch that moment back at home. William cries in the limo.

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is super dramatic. Ashley starts things off by asking all of the guys who think that she’s ugly to admit it and leave. This woman could be the centerpiece of several medical novels about insecurity. Ashley talks to the other Josh Groban and it is beyond confusing because he looks just like Josh Groban. (The Bachelorette Josh Groban, not the real Josh Groban. Although, both of them look like Josh Groban. I’ve continued to drink at home.)

All of the dates are over and there’s still 20 minutes of show left. It must be time for Bentley to re-punch the clock and return to torment Ashley. Chris Harrison interviews Ashley during which time she tells him that she needs to see Bentley. Chris cuts her a deal, saying that, if she kicks a couple more guys off, he’ll fly Bentley into Chiang Mai. I can't wait to watch Ashley fake cry.

The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.

Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.

Stay in School.