Bachelorette Recap- ABC Bores America

Ashley is almost done torturing America. First she has to annoy a couple of families and then dump one of her boyfriends. It’s almost over everyone, I promise.

J.P., Bean Bag Face, Josh Groban and Josh Groban remain on this, the worst, season of the Bachelorette. There are so many things that I’ll take away from this adventure, like a half dozen kidney stones created from the build-up of extra calcium from the 12 or so Tums I have to ingest during each commercial break to keep myself from throwing up a river of stomach bile due to the awfulness that is Ashley H.

I should warn my readers that I’m sunburnt and dehydrated from the WGR 550 Golf tournament and yet the first thing I do is head home and watch two hours of awful programming so you have something to print out and read while you’re using the bathroom.

I hope you are all happy. (In a Golf Tournament full of men, cigars and alcohol, I was told, by two separate people, who is going to win this season based on Rumor websites. That’s the power of the Bachelorette. It’s sweeping.)

Ashley is going to the hometowns of her remaining contestants. First, she goes to her place so a camera guy can stand in her kitchen and film her sorting through her mail and drinking a mug of water. Her apartment is immaculate.

Josh Groban gets the first home town date. He lives in Cumming, Georgia. They meet in a park and then head over to Josh Groban’s restaurant. He owns a restaurant and it is called Gorgio’s, not Josh Groban’s. Ashley remarks how sexy Josh Groban looks while working in his restaurant. Then, a pan falls onto the floor and she remarks how sexy the pan that has fallen on the floor looks. Then, the pan does not pay attention to her and she cuts herself.

They put on gloves and make a salad but Ashley does not wear a hairnet. The hundred or so people who pulled a yard of hair out of their food that day now have an explanation. They eat their hair-filled dinner outside on the patio and ABC begs all of the waitresses to stare at them through the window and wonder aloud if they’re going to kiss. Then, ABC makes Ashley and Josh Groban kiss so all of the waitresses can squeak and makes annoying girl noises. To erase this from my memory, I pause the Bachelorette and pull up 10 minutes of Death Wish IV on my DVR.

When their done choking down their hair pizza, the happy couple heads to Josh Groban’s house to disappoint his family. They seem nice. They speak Italian and eat a meal of food that should be considerably hair-free.

Josh Groban’s Mom pulls Ashley aside to make sure she’ll give her son a chance at some Fantasy Suite rubbin’ and bumpin’.

Josh Groban and his dad have a heart-to-heart talk and I don’t understand a word of it. His family does a solid job of not embarrassing themselves on National Television…. Until 12 thousand people pour through the front door and dance. I pause the Bachelorette and give Death Wish IV another 10 minutes.

Ashley moves on to the hometown of Bean Bag Face; Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. I’ve never heard of it either. Ashley meets Bean Bag Face’s family who, surprisingly, all have normal faces. His brother kind of looks like he murders people in basements. This segment of the show is boring as mud. I’ll admit that there was a ton of talking but I didn’t listen to any of it. I played a little Spider Solitaire and got a piece of meat out of my teeth with a pen cap.

I like Bean Bag Face. I think he has a good chance to be the next Bachelor. That’s what this show is all about. It’s not about people getting married. It’s about someone getting dumped, but pulling it off with enough class to capture the hearts of a couple of women who are lonely enough to send emails to ABC.

At one point, I make the mistake of paying attention to the dialogue and I’m quite certain they’re just replaying scenes to fill the 2 hours.ABC is still running commercials for Combat Hospital! Are people watching Combat Hospital? Should I be recapping Combat Hospital? Am I swearing a bunch in this recap?

Bean Bag Face and Ashley have a picnic under Magnolia trees. Bean Bag Face says that “a picnic under Magnolia trees is so romantic”. My wife and I high-five, because he just totally nailed it there. Then, Bean Bag Face talks about magic. I’m pretty sure he’s a robot. Ashley kisses the robot.

“I believe that time is standing still under this Magnolia tree.” – That’s a Bean Bag Face quote that you missed because you don’t watch the Bachelorette, idiot.

There are still two more dates and I’m totally out of beer.

Ashley flies to Sonoma, CA to meet the other Josh Groban. He’s excited to show Sonoma to Ashley. Ashley is excited because they meet in the middle of a vineyard and there are no other women around to pay attention to.

Josh Groban runs a winery. As Josh Groban demonstrates how he gets the wine out of the barrels, Ashley is seen, again, without a hairnet. The hundreds of people pulling hair out of their Josh Groban wine now have an explanation.

Josh Groban talks about his dead father. I’m not sure why he waited so long to pull this club out of his bag. Dead family member-talk always gets you the rose. I wish everyone in my family was dead.

We learn that Josh Groban and his sister are very close. She pulls Josh Groban into the other room for a therapy session while Ashley looks through photo albums. It’s much more boring than I can possibly describe.

Josh Groban’s sister wants to make sure he’s ready for a long-term relationship. Josh Groban’s Mom talks Josh Groban through the pain he is still harboring over his father’s death. I’m suddenly watching Dr. Phil. It’s nice that we hardly hear a word from Ashley during this 20-minute therapy session, but I’m uncomfortable with emotional breakthroughs. These are all things this family could have really cleared up before the television cameras arrived.

To complete the evening, Ashley tells the viewers that she can see herself spending the rest of her life with Josh Groban. This is the third straight contestant with whom she could see herself spending the rest of her life. I hope Josh Groban doesn’t mind living with another Josh Groban, and Bean Bag Face and a J.P.

Speaking of J.P., I can’t believe you’re still reading this recap. This one could be my worst. Ashley meets J.P. in Roslyn, N.Y.

J.P. is a super fun guy and has a super fun surprise for Ashley. HE’S TAKING HER ROLLER SKATING AT LACE’S ROLLER RINK! Those geniuses at ABC (or is it Genii?) turn off the lights and play music for our deranged couple to set the mood for some creepy, empty Roller Rink make-out time. REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore” blares in the background. I know he’s not watching the show, but I can still feel Bulldog shudder.

When they’re done making me tear up from romantic antics on wheels, J.P. takes Ashley to meet his family.

J.P.’s mom pulls him aside to warn him about the dangers of falling in love. I haven’t done a good job of describing how much soft piano is used during the production of the Bachelorette. It’s slopping over the sides with soft piano. I’ll bet the soft piano industry was in shambles until the Bachelorette came along. Before this show, the only place you would hear this much soft piano was my grandmother’s living room.

J.P. and his brother talk about whether or not he’s in love and the soft pianist almost breaks his finger over the serenity of the moment. This is the most dramatic home town date ever.

J.P.’s family does not embarrass themselves, even after bringing out a picture of J.P. with a mullet. None of the hometown dates was horrifically embarrassing. There were no dead bird funerals or drunken mom’s hitting on contestants. This was a huge waste of time.

ABC gives Chris Harrison twenty minutes to recap everything we just watched. Then, Ashley sends Bean Bag Face home. The look on his Bean-Bag face is priceless. He can’t believe it and looks around to make sure that he is the only one without a rose. Bean Bag Face plays it perfectly. He cries a bit and lets her down easily, maintaining a good shot at being the next Bachelor.

I already miss Bean Bag Face’s wit and poetry. He was like the Bachelorette’s Yoda. He even kind of looked like Yoda.

Next week, there is a ton of sex. Goodbye soft piano. Hello Saxophone!