The Bachelorette took a week off for our nation's birthday. It was a nice vacation for me. It was very much like when, in an action movie, the hero is lifted up out of a bathtub full of water while being tortured by terrorists.
I gasped for some air and then ABC jammed by head right back into that tub last night for 2 hours.
When we last left our heroine, she was incredibly insecure and annoying. Luckily, nothing has changed.
Ashley H. is in Taiwan with a bunch of Grobans, Bean Bag Face, Ryan, J.P. and Lucas. This show is making no progress. There are still 6 guys left. Are they adding people?
This is a special episode as we are told that Emily is back for an interview. All of those questions we have about her relationship with Brad Womack will finally be answered. I know I've had questions. Personal emails sent to me containing links to gossip websites say that Emily is to be named the next Bachelorette. I’m sure Ashley heard the news and immediately cut herself.
Our story continues with 4 dates; three 1-on-1's and a group date. It's tough to concentrate on the show for me because I'm so angry about the impending Emily interview.
We open with lots of footage of the 2-hour show we are about to watch. That's how you fill two hours, America. You show everything 100 times. Ashley says that Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia. Can a jewel really be hidden if millions upon millions of people have vacationed, taken pictures of, filmed and walked on it? Were all of these people unaware of where they were? Am I mistaken and no one has ever really heard of Taiwan? Could it be that I'm more cultured than most? I was a part of a country draft.
Ashley and Josh Groban jump on a train and go to a village that I can’t spell and refuse to look up. Ashley is wearing jeans tight enough to expose her circulatory system and heels big enough to qualify her to immediately become a hooker. (It’s Taiwanese law)
The date begins as most do. Ashley and Groban paint “love” wishes on the sides of papier-mâché lanterns so they can sail them up into the air at night and annoy all onlookers. Then, they kiss and talk a lot. This particular Groban has been very open with Ashley about the fact that he is not in love with her. It's a smart play when dealing with a woman who possesses no self-esteem.
While the happy couple releases their love message balloon into the Taiwanese night, ABC producers send up a couple hundred more balloons. I know I can be cynical and that I poke fun at this show, but this moment can only be described as magical.
It was magic. If you watch the show, you saw something magical. What else can I say?
The other Josh Groban gets the next 1-on-1 date. I'm confused. They jump on a moped to tour Taiwan. Then they make out.
For dinner, Ashley completes the transformation and actually dresses like a prostitute. I keep waiting for a couple of G.I.’s to interrupt them and take her away for a few minutes.
Josh Groban confides with Ashley that he’s falling in love with her. She asks him if he’s also falling in love with Emily or Chantal. The date goes so well that it lasts throughout the night. The next morning, the rest of the contestants wake up and are steamed that Josh Groban isn’t home yet. Josh Groban finally arrives at the hotel and admits that he was out all night with Ashley but they slept in different beds. I guess he didn’t have enough cash.
The group date is next. Ashley takes Lucas, J.P., and Bean Bag Face to get wedding pictures taken. Those wacky producers are always up to something! I screamed, “Wedding pictures? They’re not married!” Then, I giggled for 4 hours. It was so hard to fall asleep last night. Seriously! Wedding Pictures!
J.P. complains the entire group date because he's dating a girl who is also dating 5 other guys. Ashley tells J.P. that her heart breaks to see him sad, so she gives him a rose. A rose is very important at this point of the show because... I seriously can't believe anyone would read these recaps. This show is putrid.
Ryan finally gets a 1-on-1 date. They go to a temple where hundreds of people are praying. I’m sure these poor people, on their knees and bearing their souls, very much appreciate the desperate hoochie in the backless shirt parading one of her six boyfriends around their sainted prayer circle. At least Ashley and Ryan didn’t make out in the temple.
Five minutes in, Ashley figures out that they she doesn’t like Ryan. It makes for an awkward date. I hit the info button and see that we’re on our final date of the week and there is still an hour left. What the hell are they going to show us for an hour? Could that interview with Emily really last an hour? The woman is boring. Once she’s done talking about her dead fiancé, the conversation is over. Anyway, I have that to look forward to.
Meanwhile, Ryan is explaining how water heaters work. I didn’t make that up. He went from being on a date to trying to sell Ashley a tank less water heater. Ashley starts crying and dumps him. I’ve got to hand it to this show. It is a special kind of awful awesome.
Ryan starts crying. Ashley cries some more. Luckily, I’m still laughing on the inside over those wacky wedding pictures, so I’m able to keep it together.
After dumping Ryan, Ashley immediately changes her mind and confesses to the camera that she may have made the wrong decision. That means we get to look forward to him coming back when one of the other guys get sick of her.
ABC fills in some time with 5 full minutes of Ryan crying. The camera guy actually zooms in on his eyes so we all know he’s not kidding. The farewell interview lasts so long they it gets dark out while he’s crying and telling America that he wants to find his special someone. It’s a strong play to be the next Bachelor.
Chris Harrison is able to secure an interview with Ashley. They sit down to tell everyone what they just spent an hour and a half watching. Ashley tells Chris that she’s skipping the cocktail party because she’s already made her decision on the other contestant she is sending home.
The Rose Ceremony is next. I’m excited because two guys go home this week. That puts us one week closer to not having to ever hear Ashley talk again. Ashley sends Lucas home. I like Lucas because he comes across as the kind of guy who would yell at his kids. Kids need to be yelled at sometimes. Maybe if Ashley's dad yelled at her, she'd have some self-esteem. Of course, my Dad yelled at me and I write a Bachelorette recap every week.
Lucas is a pro's pro. There are no tears shed by Lucas on the exit interview.
There are still 20 minutes left for ABC to sneak in that interview with the black hole that is Emily. If you're new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, here's Emily's story. She won last season and got to be Brad Womack's girl. Things didn't work out and she spent 4 months on the cover of magazines. Now, she's back to tell her story that has been told more accurately by others already.
Emily tells Chris Harrison that she will always love Brad but things couldn't work out because he was having trouble adjusting from being a single guy to being an engaged guy. I'm assuming that means he cheated on her, but I really don't care.
Then, Emily whines about how hard it has been trying to live her life after being on the Bachelor because the paparazzi follow her around and take pictures of her and her little girl. Chris Harrison joins in with some strong words about how annoying those pesky paparazzi can be. These statements, of course, are coming from a man and woman on a Reality television show.
I'm not going to defend the paparazzi. Anyone who camps out at a Gas and Sip to take pictures of a woman with her 5 year-old daughter while they clean off their windshield is a scumbag. I AM going to go ahead and never feel sorry for a woman who chose to date a guy who was dating 24 other women on National Television. It doesn't take much foresight to envision your life being altered a little bit. We're talking about a woman who once turned off a light, closed a door and allowed for an ABC camera guy to sit in the corner of her daughter's bedroom and film her falling asleep.
This tear fest interview was made even worse by the knowledge that Emily is going to be the next Bachelorette. So, to recap, a woman bawling her eyes out because she and her poor daughter can't live their lives in peace is ready to sign on for 5-or-so months of dating 25 guys on camera. As much as I hate Ashley H., the Emily Bachelorette season is going to be a new level of terrible. She's uninteresting. Not that I wouldn't punch my parents in the face to spend 3 minutes standing next to her and staring. She's easy on the old looking balls.
Emily made it through the entire interview without mentioning her dead fiancé'. I guess she takes life one fiancé' at a time.
The final thing we see tonight is blooper footage of a dog peeing on Ashley and Josh Groban's love message balloon. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to decide whether or not I'm kidding about that.
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