SkunkPost.com || Sitting down with standup comics

SkunkPost.com || Sitting down with standup comics

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An Open Letter To The Creator of Spider Solitaire

First off, don't tell me it's random. That's a bunch of bull. When I'm looking at 47 cards, and none of them are a '7', that's carefully engineered torture.

Secondly, die. Just die, creator of Spider Solitaire. Die.

Thirdly, before you die, explain to me what happened to you as a child that warped you into thinking that plopping a 6 of clubs on my run of hearts is "fun". As I stated before, there are no '7's, creator of Spider Solitaire. Where am I suppossed to put this 6 of clubs? I can tell you where I'd like to put it, but it won't help me win the tinfoil-chew you call a computer game. Were you beaten as a child, Spider Solitaire creator? Were you neglected? Is this because Mom didn't look at that picture you drew of a horse?

I hate you creator of Spider Solitaire. You're a punk.

"Wow! The entire morning I've wasted playing this stupid game is paying off! I'm about to win....Oh look, a bunch of Aces that do me absolutely no good! Thanks, creator of Spider Solitaire! You're Aces!"

I hope you're stung by a bunch of hornets.

Art And Music

Buffalonians looking for some culture this weekend can double up with a Music and Art Combo.

Ron Hawkins, from the Lowest of the Low and the Rusty Nails, will debut his paintings and his new Album.

The Vault art gallery at 702 Main will have more than two dozen new paintings by Ron Hawkins on display Friday, November 13. The artwork includes portraits of musicians including Johnny Cash, Feist, Joe Strummer, Jeff Tweedy, Sid Vicious and Tom Waits.

On Saturday night, November 14, Ron will appear at the Allendale Theatre, 203 Allen Street to play songs from his new Album, 10 Kinds of Lonely, for the first time in the U.S.

I had a chance to interview Ron over the phone and you can listen to it through this link:

http://www.wgr550.com/Audio-Archive---Schopp---The-Bulldog/1271132

You can visit ronhawkins.com for more info.

Pick A Century

It's unanimous. The best time to be a 92-year old is right now.

Pick a better century.

0-to-100 Would have been fun with all of the Jesus excitement, plus there were Lions in Europe but you had to go to the bathroom outside. Everything happened in town, so the rent for a downtown apartment would have been steep. Good luck if you're allergic to leather.

100-to-200 Would have been awful. If you tried to tell Commodus he was full of shit for claiming to be Hercules reincarnated, he would have had you burned at the stake. Although, I'll bet that beer was delicious in 150. It was probably about 18 percent alcohol back then. Your back hurt constantly.

200-to-300 Sure, Commodus was dead by now, but you had to walk to town to bathe with people. (Again, a downtown apartment was key.) The last thing I want to deal with in the morning is a bunch of old dudes checking out my junk. At least eyeglasses were invented, so I could drive at night.

300-to-400 People stopped setting Rome on fire, but try getting that smell out of your clothes. We were still about 1600 years away from 'Snuggle'. And sure, there are free horses all over the place, but try catching one. You could throw a spear at its legs but then your horse would have a limp. And it'll never trust you.

400-to-500 Everyone has opium but there are no comfortable chairs.

500-to-600 I like silk as much as the next guy, but if you're stabbing people in the face for it, you're living in a pretty boring century. If you're Asian, most of your friends have Black Death, which cancels League Night. Backgammon is invented. It's been 1500 years, and I still don't know how to play it.

600-to-700 They say 100 million people were killed by the Plague of Justinian, so parking is ample but you're spending most of your time at funerals. Money is finally made of paper, but now you need a wallet. English poetry is invented, so some sensitive, douche bag British guy is bound to steal your girlfriend because he notices birds.

700-to-800 We have harps but Vikings are are crashing our beach parties and killing people. The Byzantines and Arabs keep bothering you to pick a side. Horses are finally doing most of the work but it costs a fortune to feed them.

800-to-900 The Chinese have gunpowder so the streets aren't safe anymore. Tree stump removal is near impossible. Alfred starts calling himself 'Alfred the Great' so there's no talking to him. It takes you 8 years to make a decent canoe and one of the kids from town throws a rock at it.

900-to-1000 Seriously, nothing happened for 100 years and the smell was overpowering.

1000-to-1100 There's finally something to read but it's in Japanese and you're still a thousand years away from being able to walk to Best Buy to get Rosetta Stone. Math is now everywhere. There are finally hospitals for your head wounds but the lines are unbearable. We have clocks, but no TV-info button to press to see at what time we should set our new clocks. People are still dying from colds.

1100-to-1200 Your friends are annoying the shit out of you over 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111. They're throwing 11/11/1111 parties and the line at the market is nuts for the entire week. It still takes a half-hour to use the bathroom so you miss the whole thing and you're not even going to be alive for 12:12:12 on 12/12/1212.

1200-to-1300 Your girlfriend keeps wondering aloud what Genghis Kahn is like and you keep telling her "He's just going to rape you!" You've burned half of your life making bread, not to mention the time spent picking floaties out of your water. Eye glasses are better, but so are hand guns.

1300-to-1400 There's nothing to eat in Europe. You're natural instincts start to deteriorate because of the compass. There are 3 popes. People are finally starting to get soup right but 20 different Philosophers are contradicting each other. If you sleep 4 hours on a 13th century mattress, it's a good night.

1400-to-1500 Guilliaume Dufay is making quality music but you have to ride a horse 1,500 miles to hear it and, by the time you get there, he's dead. The First Bank of Earth is invented. Patrons can't even threaten to take their 17 dollars to a different bank if they don't take away a couple of overdraft charges. Christopher Columbus gets lost and then brings syphilis from the New World back to Europe, killing millions. The Scotch invent Whiskey. Someone goes to work on Asprin.

1500-to-1600 Your girlfriend keeps bugging you to take her to see the Sistine Chapel. By popular demand, you now have the letter 'J', but you're stabbed to death by a Tartar. Woman are finally wearing make-up but most of them have syphilis because of that asshole, Columbus. William Shakespeare invents the chic-flick.

1600-to-1700 You've finally gotten the hang of fractions and then Gottfried Leibnitz invents the Binary system. They build Havard and now your parents are constantly on you to get in there. There's finally ice cream but there's only, like, 3 flavors. There's now an Opera House in Venice but the scalpers are brutal.

1700-to-1800 Everyone in France is moody. People start asking you to put political posters on your lawn. You keep burning yourself with steam. The cost of tea skyrockets in Boston. You have no idea what "skyrocket" means. There are finally pianos but, now every song has a piano solo. Your girlfriend keeps bothering you to build an addition because Samuel Miller invented a Circular Saw. Everywhere you look, a Volcano is erupting.

1800-to-1900 Restaurants are finally washing lettuce but the silverware weighs 30 pounds. If you were a part of an empire, it just collapsed. You spent all day digging a canal and, suddenly, you don't feel so hot. There is finally Football, but no 'Sunday Ticket'.

1900-to-present Nachos and Snow Tires. Thanks to plastics and wiring, I can yell at an 8-year old in Prague that he made me die in HALO. We're so spoiled by scented detergent that someone has to invent unscented detergent. I can use the bathroom during the commercial break. If my wife starts crying, I can pause 'Die Hard'. The Bills suck but Red Robin keeps bringing you more French Fries. Paula Abdul leaves 'Idol'. If the Mayans were right, you've only got 2 years to finish that novel.

The facts speak for themselves. There is no better time to be 92-years old.

Salt As a Present

My wife got me a Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for my birthday. Salt Rocks release negative ions into the air when they come into contact with moisture. I was shooing the negative ions out the window until my wife explained to me that they're a good thing.

You see, negative ions attach themselves to pollen, mold, and fart particles and destroy them without prejudice.

If you still don't understand, I'll explain it in laymans' terms.

Picture Tom Berenger in "The Substitute". Now, Tom Berenger is the 'negative ion' and the students running an illegal drug operation through Tom Berenger's High School are the 'air particles that cause colds and famine'.

Tom Berenger is not going to just sit there and let dirty air particles mess up his school. He's an ex-marine. Plus, there are a couple of good air particles who are there to learn.

So Tom Berenger smashes some of the bad air particles in the throat with chairs. He throws one of them out of the library window. He beats the crap out of Wolfson while two guys making Jai-Alai rackets just sit there and watch. Then he finds out Wilson from Ghostbusters, one of the good air particles who was the principal, is actually running the whole drug operation.

What would you do if you were Tom Berenger?

You'd kill Wilson from Ghostbusters to purify the air.

I love my new Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp. I've already added 3 inches to my vertical jump with all of the negative ions killing dander and making the air easier to jump through. I plan on bringing a 300-foot orange extension cord down to the basketball courts so I can plug in my Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp and dunk on some Herb's mold-infested head.

I find myself driving through neighborhoods and watching other people open their birthday presents. I hope they enjoy their 'Beatles Rock Band' as the Dust Mites infiltrate their ear canals and shorten their lifespan. I'll be home curled up in bed with my Salt Lamp, cackling laughter. Living forever.

And, Yes. Mold-infested is hyphenated so don't bother opening a new window to look it up.

Amusement Parks Are Breeding Grounds For Fun

I recently visited one of the Amusement Parks in the Western New York area. Luckily, I brought a pen and pad of paper to keep track of some staggering statistics.

Number of Important Safety announcements coherently communicated by Park Staff over the PA: Zero
Percentage of English-speaking Patrons: 53%
Number of Noticeably Pregnant Women in line to go on a Roller Coaster with a 200-foot drop: One
Number of Couples making love in the Men's room, 15-feet from the Kiddy Rides: One, possibly two.
Number of Band-Aids lying on Park Grounds: Eleven
Percentage of People with Tattoos on their throat: 37%
Percentage of Men pushing strollers who still wished to be alive: 17%
Percentage of People wearing T-shirts with words on them: 96%
Percentage of People with no shirt: 4%
Percentage of People in Park who might be considered attractive: 1%
Number of Patrons urinating while waiting in line for a ride: Three
Number of 2-year olds seemingly left unattended for over 10 minutes while the parents rode the Scrambler: One
Number of times hearing a Ride Attendant yell at kids to get off of the Waiting Line Rails: Countless
Number of Pounds I weigh: 211 lbs.
Number of Pounds guessed by 'Birthday, Age, Weight Game' Guy: 184lbs.
Number of times I walked by a Corn Dog Stand and bought a Corn Dog: Zero
Number of times I felt Regret: Countless

Do I Have the Chops?

I've always wondered if I could make it as a Hollywood writer.

I've never submitted jokes to Leno or wrote a 'Murphy Brown', but I've kicked around some ideas. One involved Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruining the Red Sox 2004 World Series win by dancing around on the field, but someone beat me to that.

A big problem would be coming up with a winning concept for a sitcom, and then having to keep the ideas flowing season to season.

Watching re-runs of 'Home Improvement' has left me doubting myself. These guys were pro's.

Take Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor's neighbor 'Wilson'. They decided early on that it would be a good idea to never show his whole face. But the series lasted for 9 seasons.

That's 9 seasons of writing clever ways to show only half of a guy's face. Examples of brilliance include: a fence, ski masks and eating cotton candy. How would I have kept that streak going?
I decided to see if I could write some 'Wilson' scenarios that would allow America to enjoy the show without having to see all of Earl Hindman.

Scenario 1- Tim digs a moat around his house and fills it with sulfuric acid. Wilson accidentally dips half of his face into the moat while doing hand-stand push-ups.

Scenario 2- Wilson becomes a Coke fiend and is constantly making out with hookers with big hair.

Scenario 3- Wilson is knocked unconscious with a boat oar and wakes up thinking he's the 1992-93 version of Pat Lafontaine; wearing the jaw protection shield that covers the bottom half of his face.

Scenario 4- Wilson and the middle Taylor kid that no one likes get into a machete fight. Wilson kills him, but not before that mullet-headed brat gets in a good face-gash. Wilson is then forced to wear bandages for the next week of 'court case' shows.

Scenario 5- Wilson loses all of his money after Tim accidentally burns down his house with road flares. To supplement his income, Wilson gets a Goldenpalace.com tattoo on the lower half of his face.

Scenario 6- Tim's wife bakes Wilson a big cake and he sits down behind it.

I was thinking about mailing these in, just in case Wilson gets his own spin-off show. Feel free to send along your suggestions. There's a good chance a new 'Wilson' show would last decades, so I want to have as much fuel as possible.