Bachelor Recap- On a Scale of 1-to-10, I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up

Tonight, our Bachelor Television audience is carried away to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco. This will be so much better than our trip to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben doesn’t mess around. He does everything in multitude; 25 girlfriends and 2 hometowns. Ben probably has a map of the United States in his bedroom with push pins identifying all of his hometowns.

I’m super anxious tonight because ABC is teasing us about Ben’s ex-girlfriend crashing the show and it’s just not fair. I’m trying not to freak out and just relax and watch the show but, it’s hard.

These poor skanks have climbed the morally-bankrupt ladder to get on this trainwreck of a show and pretend like they’re in love with a man they hardly know. You can’t just throw some new chick into the mix just to stir up the pot. This new chick hasn’t earned her stripes.

I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ve got a Bachelor episode to recap.

Ben has a sister and ABC decides it’s a good idea to put her on camera to start the show. Ben says, “She knows me better than anyone on this planet.” Ben would know. Actually, more accurately, Ben’s sister would know. She knows Ben better than anyone on this planet.

Ben talks to his sister about some of the girls that stand out. When describing the horse girl, he makes a horse hoof ‘clomping’ noise. It’s actually pretty good. I’m impressed.

The hookers settle into their hotel room to wait for the date cards and get busy hating each other. It’s a 12 second clip. I wonder about the hours of footage they leave on the cutting room floor, hours and hours of video of these soulless tramps sitting around and making nasty facial expressions. I’m sure I’ll get to watch it all in hell.

Emily the PhD student gets the first 1-on-1 date. She’s cute. Emily is afraid of heights. She mentions, before her date that she’s afraid of heights and how she hopes they aren’t doing anything high up. I guess she’ll be the one climbing the Bay Bridge. You know those Bachelor Producers, if you have a phobia or dead loved one, they’ll milk that drama dry. I’d like to be a contestant on the Bachelor and tell them how afraid I am of getting free tickets to Pittsburgh Pirate games.

Emily finds out that she has to climb a bridge and she freaks out. “Some people have nightmares about spiders. Some people have nightmares about being murdered. I have nightmares about falling off of very high things.”Ben and Emily begin their ascension up the cables of a 6,000 foot bridge. It’s a great way to get to know someone. My parents have been married for 51 years. I keep telling them that they’ll never make it to 52 if they don’t climb a bridge together. They’re idiots. I’m doomed to be a product of a broken home.

The girls back at the hotel room have a telescope. In an amazing stroke of luck, they point the telescope right on Ben and Emily climbing the bridge. The odds of this happening were probably improved by Bachelor producers planting the telescope there and telling the girls exactly what time to look through it and where to point.

Back on the bridge, Emily freaks out because she’s afraid, so Ben makes out with her. Emily is no longer afraid of heights and draws a metaphor between heights and relationships. It all makes sense now. Love is like a 6,000 (estimated) foot climb up the cables of a bridge. It’s scary and any misstep could lead to a big fall.

If Emily slipped and fell into the Bay, would Ben have been required to give her a ceremonial rose? It would suck to be a girl that gets sent home over a dead girl. Luckily, Emily survived.

Then, they eat food on T.V.

Ben gives Emily a rose. He tells her that she gets the rose because she climbed a bridge and is smart. Then, they make out. Then, ABC brings out the fireworks….fireworks. The fireworks are blown off from a barge on the Bay. I’m assuming there is a guy with a walkie- talkie that watches Ben and Emily make out and then buzzes down to the barge to cue the fireworks.

If Emily blew it and didn’t get a rose, would they just waste the fireworks? I need to know these things.

The group date is next. Ben takes 38 girls snow-skiing. They all drive there in a car commercial. The girls make sure they say the name brand of the car and point out some cool features. I feel dirty. ABC borrows that liquid nitrogen machine from that ice cream place in the mall and freezes a portion of San Francisco. Ben says it was his life-long dream to freeze a portion of San Francisco. I know I make a lot of stuff up, but Ben really says that. Everyone takes off their clothes and they put on skis. I don’t know how one acquires the insight and clairvoyance to pack a bathing suit and hockey socks for a ski trip in downtown San Francisco, but these girls have proven their mettle.

They cap the night off by drinking at some place with a bunch of lanterns. You know the place. Ben is a perfect gentleman and makes out with each and every one of the girls at the party. He doesn’t even wait for them to finish talking. They’ll be mid-sentence and he just dives in for the kill.

Kacie B. seems really drunk. She spells her name K-A-C-I-E. I’m surprised she doesn’t spell ‘B’ wrong.

Grandma girl gets the other 1-on-1 date. After she gets the news, she cries and leaves the show. She says her heart wasn’t in it. I think it’s because she was afraid ABC was going to make her fight a mountain lion and she has a mountain lion phobia.

Grandma girl crashes the group-date cocktail hour to cry and tell Ben that she’s leaving. Ben takes it well by not reacting at all. The whole thing is fishy. Grandma girl leaves. Ben’s ex-girlfriend is coming back.

It’s a bit too convenient. Did ABC scramble to fill the Grandma girl void, or was Grandma girl a plant all along to set up the ex-girlfriend plot? As the cop with the moustache said in the movie ‘The Fugitive’, “Hinky”.

When we come back from commercial, we get to see Ben shaving. If you’re not watching the show, you need to know that they show people shaving.

Because Grandma girl gave up the 1-on-1, they give it to Horse girl. Horse girl has really long legs and her real name is ‘Lindzi’. They hit up the night life, eat ice cream, and ride the trolley. Horse Girl and Ben unlock San Francisco City Hall. Horse girl remarks how amazing Ben is for having a key to the San Francisco City Hall. I get mad that I never met girls this stupid when I was …sniff... a Bachelor. Horse girl says the word ‘magical’ a thousand times and is already in love with Ben.

They head inside City Hall for a private concert from Matt Nathanson. So, for all of the hard work Matt Nathanson and his band have done, they get to play for two people who make out through the entire performance. When they’re done making out in front of Matt Nathanson, they make out in a Piano store. Ben’s tongue must be exhausted.

Horse Girl is always smiling and she nods a lot. I feel like you could read her the ingredients of ketchup and she’d nod the whole time and then tell you how magical ketchup is.

Then, they go to a bar to make ou… is this is boring to read as it is to write? I feel like I’m torturing you people. You’re nice enough to read my recap, and all I can give you is drivel.

Horse girl’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her by sending her a text of a Homer Simpson quote. I’m sure Horse Girl read the text while nodding her head and then told the person next to her how magical texting is.

The pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party comes next. ABC makes sure we know that some girl is coming onto the show to stir bleep up. Ben makes out with Jennifer. She declares she’s falling in love with the guy she’s known for 3 minutes. To be fair, she has kissed him twice.

The paid actress, Courtney, gets 5 minutes of face time to say awful things about the girls to make sure there’s plenty of drama to go around. Emily thinks she has a personality problem. Emily has a PhD, but hasn’t figured out that the Bachelor is scripted. Courtney and Ben get a moment alone to make out. She may be a fake contestant, but that doesn’t mean Ben doesn’t get to make out with her. I’m not sure there are many girls left in Ben’s hometown of San Francisco that Ben hasn’t made out with tonight.

The party-crasher girl who comes on the show to wreck things is Shawntel. Shawntel is the funeral director girl who was a contestant on the Bachelor a year ago. I was a big fan of hers… but this little stunt is embarrassing, even by Bachelor standards.

Apparently, Shawntel and Ben have made out in the past and she wants to marry him. Ben is surprised to see her. The rest of the girls want to stab her with an ice pick and throw her off of the Bay Bridge. Ben and Shawntel sit on a couch to talk while the rest of the girls circle around and swear. Shawntel wants in on the Rose Ceremony. She leaves it up to Ben to decide.

Ben needs to think it over and has Shawntel stand alone in the room with his girlfriends to explain things. Shawntel says that she called up Chris Harrison to get onto Ben’s season. I love how much credit is given to Chris Harrison, like he’s the Nick Saban of the Bachelor and decides who comes and goes. (That’s 2 straight recaps that mention Nick Saban, by the way. I’m excellent at this.) Chris Harrison chats with Bachelors and lets everyone know when there’s 1 rose left. That’s all he does.

Anyways, Ben’s girlfriends are super pissed and yell at Shawntel. They’re all extra drunk, by design. Uggghh, the grouper-woman seems most pissed. She looks like a grouper. Courtney, the actress, is not a very good actress. She acts like she’s pissed and pretends to cry but it is not convincing. She’s not even drunk.

Ben decides Shawntel can stay for the Rose Ceremony. The girls who threatened to leave the show if Shawntel is allowed to stay for the Rose Ceremony have their bluff called and do not leave, including the paid actress who refers to Shawntel as ‘Whats-her-butt’.

For the record, Shawntel is super hot.

My wife points out how drunk Samantha is. She can’t even stand up straight through the Cocktail party and rose ceremony.

Usually, during the Rose Ceremony, the girls look at the Bachelor and plead with their eyes to be allowed to stay. For this ceremony, everyone is just looking at Shawntel with hate. There is a ton of crying and skillful mascara make-up finger wipes.

”On a scale of 1-to-10, I think I’m gonna throw up.”- quote of the night from Ugghh the grouper.

1-by-1 Ben hands out roses while building up the drama as to whether or not Shawntel gets to stay.

They drag out the final rose so Erika can pass out. It’s a weird sequence. Erika is kind of fading while they’re handing out roses. Chris Harrison makes his announcement on the final rose. Ben pauses the game to say a few words. It’s almost like he’s stalling and looking at Erika to pass out. Erika doesn’t even totally pass out. She kind of falls to one knee and says she’s gonna pass out, but she doesn’t pass out. She kind of just Tebows. My computer doesn’t recognize ‘Tebowing’ as a word yet. How 2011 of it.

The Rose Ceremony resumes after they give Erika some water. Ben finishes his speech and decides to give the rose to no one. Erika passes out again. They just put these poor girls through so much; truckloads of alcohol, paid actresses, Matt Nathanson concerts and, now, fake contestants.

So, Erika, Ugghhh and Shawntel are sent home.

Ben now has 3 less women to make out with; 4 if you count Shawntel. I would have definitely made out with Shawntel on her way out. At this point, what standards are you upholding? So what if you dumped her, make out with her. I would use my Bachelor powers to bring back Shawntel each week to make out. I want her to exhume my corpse. That’s a metaphor.

Erika makes it another 2 minutes without passing out but they don’t let her cry into the camera with a farewell speech. They don’t let Ugghhh cry into the camera either. I’m grateful. She’s hideous. I’ve had wounds scab over and still look better than her.

Ben announces that they’re all going to Park City Utah and the girls all scream like they’ve just been told they’re going somewhere they’ve heard of.

As the credits roll, they show Erika showing Ben the tattoo inside of her lip. It says ‘Amore’. She’ll never find Amore on the inside of her lip. That’s a metaphor.

The promo for next week’s show tells us that the entire cast of ABC’s hit show Castle will crash the next Rose Ceremony to ask Ben to marry them. It looks super dramatic. I don’t think I can take it.
I hate this show.

Bachelor Recap- Showing Your Chest to Children

This week’s episode of the Bachelor takes us to Ben Groban’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben’s hometown is Sonoma. The Bachelor, Ben, is from Sonoma. They go to Sonoma, the hometown of Ben… which happens to be… Sonoma.

Episode 2 of the season is important. The girls are still naïve to the game and might still get drunk enough to do something horrifically embarrassing. Many of them will panic and pretend like they’re starting to like Ben. The word ‘connection’ will be thrown around. Ben will stand in a field with immaculate natural lighting to think about his 15 girlfriends and his family. It’s intense.

A soundbite by Ben teases that, “I had no idea that things had gotten this bad, this early.”

I did, Ben. I did.

The girls take a plane to Sonoma, not a helicopter. (Hashtag RipOff!) Ben hops in a jeep and drives by grapevines while talking about his dead father.
“Ben looks amazing in his dressed-down, Sonomafied version of himself.” Remarks a member of his harem.

My idiot computer underlined ‘Sonomafied’ in a red squiggly line, trying to tell me it’s not a word. What a bunch of idiots at Hewlitt Packard.

Casey B. gets the first date. My wife drops a bomb by declaring, “I like her. I think they make a good couple.” That sound you hear is Las Vegas scrambling to adjust their odds. Casey B. has a southern accent. Points. Southern accents might be more important with women than they are with Football G.M.’s.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time.” Casey B. is swinging for the fences.

They go to the Dollar Store and buy a baton. On another channel, LSU is playing Alabama for the College Football National Championship. After twirling a baton, Casey talks about how well their date is going. Then, they eat on T.V.

Ben talks about how in love his parents were because they fought all of the time. Ben gives Casey a rose after getting way too emotional about their first 38 minutes together. If he weren’t the Bachelor and they weren’t on T.V., this smokin’ hot girl would be scared off and texting ‘PSYCHO’ to her friends. Instead, it’s cute.

Ben and Casey B. head to a theatre to watch reels of their family videos that were surrendered to the network for sentimental value. Casey is doing gymnastics. I’m sure some poor intern had to suffer through 17 hours of that nightmare footage to get the 12 seconds they used on the final product. There are some quality shots of Ben and his blurred out penis standing on a picnic table. They show Ben’s Dad. Ben’s Dad had died so it’s emotional. Everyone cries. (Yes, I’m everyone.) Then, with the memory of his dead Dad fresh on his mind, they make out in the street.

Casey breaks a Bachelor record by declaring that she’s in love with the Bachelor JUST 1.2 EPISODES IN!!!!!!!!!

The next day, Ben dates a dozen women in Sonoma. They’re in Sonoma. Sonoma. The skanks put on chestless upperwear and their best heels to perform a play in some vineyard or something. ABC brought in a bunch of kids to write Fairytales. The girls have to audition to play the parts. It’s super cute and hilarious guys! I see a bunch of kids, a lot of cleavage and zero parents around.

Back at the mansion, Courtney, a paid actress… paid to be on the show, fulfills her contractual duties by acting awful and stirring things up.

One of the commercials was for that whale movie. Do you guys think that the whales live?

When their done auditioning and the roles are cast, the girls are forced to perform the kids’ play in front of a bunch of people from Sonoma. No one told them that they’d have to perform the play in front of people. Now, it’s all sorts of pressure packed.

The play is half-assed and Ben ends up taking off all of his clothes in front of families and children. This really happened. Then, they all went to a pool to get drunk and take turns making out.

They kept the kids out of the pool party for some reason. It kind of sucks. These kids labor over writing this play and then they aren’t even invited to the after-party.

There are some key moments during the cocktail hour. Blakely, a toothy VIP cocktail waitress, emerges as a villain this episode. The other 40 girls on the date make it clear to the camera that they don’t like her. She has bosoms and she wears earrings that look like those desk toys in psychiatrists’ office that clack back and forth. A bunch of the girls, some ugly, head to a handicap bathroom stall to talk about how much they hate Blakely. I kept hoping a handicapped person would come in to use the bathroom to break up the gaggle.

Back at the mansion, Courtney gets a 1-on-1 date card and rubs it in the other girls’ faces. They get mad, which is good because it’s Courtney’s job to make them mad. It wouldn’t be much of a planned production if the girl that Producers paid to make people angry didn’t make people angry. As it stands, they’re angry so she’s doing her job well.

I know I jump around a lot, but we’re back at the drunken pool party. Ben has his shirt off and he takes the one with red hair to a different pool to be alone. I’d like to paraphrase their conversation if you’ll allow it:
“I’m having such a great time.”
“Me too.”
“I love it here.”
“I love it here too.”
“This place is really awesome.”
“I’m so glad you could be here.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
Then, they make out. Then, Ben makes out with that girl Blakely with the boobs and the teeth while the girl with the red hair watches. It’s awkward… even by Bachelor standards.

There’s some more drinking and a little crying. Ben gives Blakely the group date rose and the rest of the girls think a lot about stabbing her with their heels. The redhead cries to the camera.

I’m sure a bunch of them adjourned to the handicapped stall again, but the Producers must have decided that they had enough footage of that.

The episode is flying by. The next day (Maybe Wednesday? Who knows?) Ben brings his dog ‘Scotchie’ on his 1-on-1 date with Courtney. I hope I spelled Scotchie’s name correctly. You never know on this show. ABC did not provide us with Scotchie’s name, age and occupation. He’s probably a VIP cocktail waitress. The three lovers drive Ben’s jeep to the middle of nowhere.

ABC blurs out Ben’s license plate so women don’t scour California looking for his jeep.

Ben walks into a forest and makes his dog howl and Courtney remarks how much she can see herself with him. I resolve to read more books. It’s 2 solid minutes of Ben howling to his dog. On any other platform, a girl as attractive and spoiled as Courtney doesn’t even say goodbye before walking away. On the Bachelor, you can howl at your dog for 2 minutes and its adorable.

They talk for 4 minutes about how magical a day they’re having. Then they make out. Then, they drive a tractor around in the dark. Then, they eat on T.V.

Courtney is a magnificent actress. She nods at all of the perfect times when Ben talks about his dead Dad. She even holds a look of concern on her face. Courtney has all of the warmth and sincerity of a Math book. Every time she talks, in my mind, I can see her screaming at people. She has definitely thrown dishes at walls. There is no way she is a good person. She’s like Nick Saban. (I flipped over to the game during a commercial break and Nick Saban was up by 6 points. I’m so happy for him.)

Courtney, of course, gets a rose at the end of her 1-on-1 date. There isn’t much suspense when a girl is paid to be on the show and Ben is told to advance her to a certain point so she can make the show more interesting by acting unworldly awful to the other girls.

The Rose Ceremony comes next. Chris Harrison got a haircut. I wonder if he practices tapping on a Champaign glass at home to perfect the art. The girls spend some time to drink alcohol before two of them are sent home.

They act excited to see Ben and then sit on couches to complain about each other. Blakely scores extra 'hate' points by interrupting conversations to steal more time with Ben EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE!

I don’t want to spend all of my space here commenting on earrings, but Blakely is wearing those squid-like machine creatures from the Matrix on her lobes. I kept waiting for Morpheus to pop the E.M.P. to kill her earrings.

More important than deciding a winner for this Gameshow might be deciding who will be more hated in the end, Courtney or Blakely. Courtney is wickedly evil, but Blakely manages to be evil without reading from a script. The music they play when Blakely talks is hilarious. It’s classic ‘Bad Guy’ music.

Jenna the crazy blogger finally gets a moment with Ben. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Jenna is not plastered like the first night, but she is nervous and out of her mind. She basically tells Ben that she’s a guy and that she’s not a good girl. In the middle of this tire fire, she’s interrupted by the ugliest girl at the party. I don’t even know the girls name. I call her ‘Uggghhh’ because that’s the sound I make when I see her. She looks like a Grouper.

Jenna goes into one of the bedrooms to lie on a bed and cry. Blakely goes into a room with a bunch of luggage and hides in a corner. Ben is told by Producers to find them.

He gets Blakely from her luggage room. I’m not sure what she’s doing hiding in the corner. I think we’re led to believe that she’s crying because the girls hate her, but she’s not crying. Her eyes are bone dry, there are no ‘Bachelor’ boogers and her make-up isn’t runny. She just needed some more attention.

The most important moment of the show comes when Ben goes into the bedroom to find out why Jenna the blogger is crying. The alarm clock next to the bed says 2:05 a.m. I’ve always wondered how late these Rose Ceremonies run. This is a fantastic revelation. They feed these girls a truckload of alcohol and then keep them awake until 2 in the morning to make sure that there’s as much blood loss as possible.

OSHA needs to step in and do something about this.

Ben finally hands out 13 roses to complete a magical evening. We’re reminded of a bunch of girls ABC has ignored to this point; Grandma girl, a couple of blonde chics I didn’t recognize, the nurse my wife liked on night 1.

Nurse did not get a rose. Neither did Jenna the blogger. Uggghhh did. I made the ‘Uggghhh’ noise.
While nurse chic exited with class, Jenna fires a scattergun into her final time in front of the camera. She does a lot of crying about being lonely and does that thing where she hugs herself. I look over the buttons on my remote control. It’s uncomfortable. She’s not going to like watching that one back. Maybe she’ll blog about it.

We’ve lost two, but there’s still plenty of Bachelor babes left. They tease that they’re taking the party to San Francisco, Ben’s hometown. I thought Sonoma was his hometown? I’ve learned nothing. Also, police accidentally fire shots into the Bachelor mansion and a couple of the girls get hit.

Goodbye Cheese

(I know, all of my posts are about food. Where's your blog?)

I love cheese so much. I had a dream that Russia sent a missile the size of the Sears Tower toward Buffalo (I dream in the 1980’s) and we were all going to die. Instead of longing to spend my last moments with a loved one, I started unwrapping Kraft Singles.

My love for cheese is unhealthy, but more in a Biblical sense than the Surgeon General Sense. Are you even still reading this blog?

I love cheese.

My wife just found out that she’s slightly lactose intolerant, which means she’s ceasing to eat cheese. She’s not forbidding me from eating cheese but, when you eat meals with a person, you tend to take on their dietary habits. If we’re cooking dinner, we’re not going to add a block of cheese and have her shitting fire all night. If the recipe calls for cheese, we find a new recipe.

Now, I can put up having my half-assed opinions on tile color being ignored and holding hands while walking through the mall, but this lack of cheese shit is a fucking travesty. Cheese is a gift from the heavens. I’m basically using the gift receipt that heaven tucked into my gift bag full of cheese and heading back to Target to exchange my cheese for something that tastes 400% less good. Stop re-reading my sentences. The grammar is fine.

I’m 35-years old and I’m never going to play in the NFL. I do have a good 30 years or so of productive cheese eating left in me and I fear I might be wasting it now that New York State is standing at the ready to give half of my shit to this non-lactose breaking down woman I agreed to marry. The priest didn’t say anything about cheese.

I have to store up my cheese-binge opportunities when they present themselves. I find myself carrying fake beards to change identities and maximize Grocery Store 'free cheese' samples. I ask co-workers to bring extra cheese to work. I have fantasies about breaking into Hot Stuff the Buffalo’s car. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.

There are so many delicious types of cheese on this planet that I may never sample. Cheese is infinite. I went to Wikipedia and searched ‘types of cheese’ and they couldn’t even list them all. They just give you a list of countries and say, “Look, if you want to discover the World’s cheese supply, you’re just going to have to take it land-by-land.” It’s not Wikipedia’s fault. There is just too much cheese. I even pay-pal’d them a dollar because they beg for it every time I go to check NBA Eastern Conference Champions. There’s no way you read this far down.

Some companies make Bacon flavored cheese. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Cheese makes Broccoli taste good. Cheese makes dirt taste good. I’m so lost without cheese.

Richard Marx is the worst thing that ever happened to music but, when you picture his song ‘Wherever You Go’ being about cheese, it really captures the big-hair emotion. I’m singing it right now. I’m singing a Richard Marx song to cheese everywhere. I love you cheese. I love you so much my heart burns, but not in the good way it burns after I’ve eaten too much cheese. It burns with the emptiness of no cheese.

I love cheese.

Bachelor Recap- Did you guys see the promo for Work It???!!!

Here are some quotes from last night’s Season Premiere of the Bachelor to start the recap:
“It is beyond words how awesome it is to be here.”

“I’m at the point of my life where I’m a model.”

“I’m real.”

“Don’t worry about her. You’re squashing that, right?”

“I preach ‘no looking back’ all of the time. That’s what I write in my blog!”

“I love grandmas!”

“I’ve never juggled 25 women, but I’m gonna dive into this experiment, ready for love.”

I know readers are expecting a bunch of hate here, but I’m actually invigorated for a new season of the Bachelor.

Ashley H. is gone. No more hearing Ashley whine. No more seeing Ashley pout. No more reminders that Ashley H. exists. It’s a comforting feeling. I have a renewed energy for recapping the worst show on television. I feel like a 36-year old NHLer coming out of the lockout. (Sports quota filled)

Josh Groban in the new Bachelor. His name is actually Ben Flajnik, but I thought he looked like Josh Groban. He may even look more like Rafael Nadal (Bonus Sports reference)

In order to combat confusion he will be hereby referred to as ‘Ben’.

Last season, Ben asked Ashley H. to marry him and she dumped him on an island or something… look can we just forget about Ashley H.? I hate her. ABC makes sure they recap the moment. Then, they got us ready for the new season by showing footage of Ben steering a boat and sifting through dirt. (Actual ABC filler b-roll content.)

Then, they showed him canoeing without a shirt.

After all of the shirtless footage and soft-music voiceovers, Ben is ready to meet his 25 skanks. Chris Harrison promises this to be the craziest first night in Bachelor history. Harrison is such a tease. Before the limos arrive, ABC rolls out their favorites with video montages. It’s an unfair advantage that gives America an extra 30 seconds to fall in love with certain contestants. It’s also a fast track to the cover of OK magazine. Here are the highlights of some of the girls given the special treatment of the video montage.

Lindsey – rides horses

Amber- Shoots guns. Eats cow balls. Super edgy and desperate. I hate this show.

Kacie – Spells her name wrong. ABC was lucky enough to capture footage of her lying around the house and reading her grandparents’ love letters.

Jamie- Nurse who lost her Dad and had a drug addicted Mom. Overcomes life’s tough issues with perkiness.

Lyndsie- British girl. I have no idea what she said, but I heard enough to hate her. I should email Vegas a thousand dollars to wager that Lyndsie will be around until the Final Four to ensure my torment.

Jenna- Blogger. Did you know that was a job? Can I be a blogger? I blog. I’ll bet she has more than 27 readers. My wife thinks she’s crazy. My wife is good at detecting these things.

Shawn- She’s a Mom and, therefore, will not win. Also, her name is Shawn and she named her son Gavin. Shouldn’t the government regulate these sorts of things?

Nicki- Texan. Whatever.
Nicki was married before. She says, “The next time I get married, it’s going to be forever.” I wish I had that stitched onto a throw pillow.

ABC takes a break to tease the fact that some grandmother on crutches tries to crash the show because she’s in love with Ben. It’s worse than paying a guy to wear a mask. I hate this show… but it’s still much more bearable without … you know who.

Commercial break highlight was the promo for ABC’s new show ‘Work It’. It’s about two guys dressed like girls. It’s like Bosom Buddies except it’s… exactly like Bosom Buddies.

We come back from commercial to see Ben buttoning his pants. It’s a really important feature of the Bachelor. You get to see the Bachelor put on his pants.

After that, we’re ready to roll. Chris Harrison pulls Ben aside to earn his big bucks. It’s the token pre-limo interview. Harrison asks the tough questions. He’s like Channel 2 News. They should give Chris Harrison a red coat.

Ben tells Chris that he doesn’t regret proposing to… what’s her name… because he grew as a person. Sometimes, taking pottery classes or playing paintball can help you grow, but Ben chose getting dumped on television.

Ben also tells Chris that his dead dad is a Hummingbird, I think. I drifted off.

Harrison and his tan get enough camera time and it’s time for the 25 girls to meet their boyfriend. The attention starved girls pull up in their limo. Many girls try gimmicks and puns to make an impression. It gets worse every year.

Highlights:

Elyse was attractive and didn’t embarrass herself.

Jenna, the blogger, made it as uncomfortable as possible. Her craziness shines through early.

Courtney is a smoking hot model who is being paid by the Producers to stir bleep up. If you’re drafting her in your Fantasy League, you’re in luck. She’ll make it 4 weeks minimum.

Some girl sprays Bactene on Ben before kissing him.

Casey was nice, pretty and without brain.

Shira is the Princess of Power… and an actress.

Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress. I have no idea what that means or if I correctly spelled her name.

The grandmother part is stupid and a waste of my time. She just showed up to introduce Ben to her hot granddaughter. Then, grandma went inside to get hammered and mingle with the scum of the Earth. It’s going to be really hard to watch later in the season when grandma is sitting next to Ben and her granddaughter grinding abs in a hot tub.

I’m already running out of steam.

Two girls arrive and look exactly the same.

I lost some brain function when Lyndsie, the British Arizonan arrived. There is no way that Lyndsie is really British. She sounds like a bad parody of a British person. She’ll be the reason I finally kill myself.

Then, some blonde chic walked by him without saying ‘Hi’.

They get too many fake blondes for this show. The blondes always end up fighting more.

The last girl is the spunky horse girl who shows up on a horse, of all things. It’s super silly. My wife and I had to pause the show because we were laughing pretty hard. It… it was just really goofy. I wish you could have seen it. Horse girl was cute but, and I apologize to all of the horse girls out there reading this, there is just no way a girl who owns and rides horses is a good person. How do you have any perspective on life? You’re an adult riding around on what every little girl wants. You basically exist to make other girls jealous. You’ve never wanted for anything in your life if you own horses and that makes you unable to relate in my book. I am willing to take this on horse-girl for horse-girl basis, so I don’t want all of you horse-girls out there sending me hate emails about how it’s not your fault and your Dad bought you your horse. Like with all hot women, I’m able to keep an open mind.

With the 25 girls and 1 grandma on board this ship or horrors, it was time to drink way too much alcohol, start fights and pretend like you’re in love.

There are some horrible people in this group. One girl from Kentucky has giant fake boobs and a gaudy hat. Some hooker is wearing a pageant sash. I have to sit through country line dancing and white girl rapping. The rapping lasts 2 solid minutes. A big chunk of me died. Fast forward 40 years to Ben and rap girl, sitting on rockers explaining to their grandkids how grandma won him over with torrid free style beats.

The paid actress makes Ben fall in love with her and then says awful things to the camera to reiterate that she’s an evil bad person in charge of boosting ratings. ABC pays a couple of girls to pretend like they’ve fallen in love and make out on the couch. If you’re new to my recaps, I should let you know that I’m a huge Bachelor conspiracy theorist and assume 90% of the show is now staged.

I can’t tell if Jenna the blogger is super drunk or super crazy, probably a little of both. She’s crying because the fake lesbians want to fight her. I always wonder how these people allow themselves to get that drunk on television in such a short period of time. And, if you’re going to go into the bathroom to cry, turn off your microphone. ABC does such a good job of finding girls who want to stab each other. I’m certain that they have the contestants fill out bubble sheet questionnaires to type their personalities. (I just turned ‘type’ into a verb there. I’m not really sure if you’re allowed to do that but, if you’ve read this far down, I doubt that’s getting you to slap your laptop shut.) The producers then run these bubble sheets through some anti-EHarmony machine to find the opposite of compatibility. This is the proven scientific way to ensure lots of fighting and crying.

Horse girl got the first impression rose, even though she’s from Seattle and rides horses. She’s so happy that her head shakes when she talks. Owning horses will make you ‘head-shaking’ happy.

Next up is the Rose Ceremony. This episode flies by with all of the cleavage and line dancing.

I think it would be hilarious if someone snuck 12 additional roses into the pile, so Ben would hand out roses to all of the girls and still have 2 left over… and Chris Harrison would have no idea what to do with himself.

A lot of girls get roses. Most of them are hideous. I don’t know if it’s the lighting in the Rose Ceremony room, but these girls look like they have plastic for skin. If only I had a sick toy-clown fetish. This show would be 38% more entertaining.

They made sure the fake lesbian and Jenna the drunken blogger both made it through to the next round to ensure plenty of drama for the entire season. Ben is required by contract to allow a select number of girls through. I, of course, have no proof of this but there is no other explanation.

On the bright side, Lyndsie, the British woman, is sent home. I get up and line dance.

The first episode is hard to recap. I’m sure I missed plenty. In the preview of the season to come there is a ton of crying but also A BLEEP-TON OF HELICOPTERS!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!!!! They also make it look like Ben gets dumped at the end. There is zero chance that happens.

I’ve never picked a winner before. My wife likes the nurse chic and she’s pretty good at this sort of thing. I’d pick any girl who spelled her name correctly.

I hope Ben finds love. If he doesn’t I’m gonna be super sad.

After the rose ceremony, they show Ben playing kick ball with a bunch of drunk chics in evening gowns. One of the girls pulls out a gun and everyone is bummed because it ruins the game.

On My Own For Dinner

I don't think my wife heard me drop the phone and do a back flip while fist-pumping when she told me I was on my own for dinner this Monday.

Little does she know, I'd rather be 'on my own' for dinner than 'on a plane' to Vegas. I love being on my own for dinner.

Being on my own for dinner means that I don't have to eat Kale or Water Chestnuts.

On the rare occasion that my wife gets home from work 2 hours later than me, I hold a comprehensive orgy of animal fat and alcohol. Remember how the Titanic broke in half while sinking and water poured into the vessel, dragging it into the bottom of the ocean? That's what I do with food when my wife gets home late.

I start with Nutty Bars purchased in the office vending machine. Then, I get Mighty Pack on my way home. I usually eat the first taco out of the Drive-Thru girl's hand as she is passing it into my car. Then I drive 4 miles without ever once looking out the windshield. I'm busy scooping soft shelled tacos from the passenger seat into my throat. Shredded lettuce covers the driver's seat like Ticker-Tape in the street on New Year's Eve.

As soon as I get home I drink a beer. I spend 35 minutes in the front window, drinking beer and hoping that she doesn't pull into the driveway. Drinking beer quickly usually makes me hungry, so I find my stash of Chip-A-Hoys in the garage and go to town.

I hide food.

I have to hide food because, if I don't hide food, the tastiest thing in my house I would get to eat would be 98% lean hamburger. I dip Chip-A-Hoys in milk and quickly eat them while looking out the window, like a squirrel.

By the way, drinking milk shortly after drinking beer sucks. It's not ideal, but that's the process. Please don't question the process. In fact, no more questions at all. You're making me lose my train of thought.

I love Chip-A-Hoys and will never stop eating Chip-A-Hoys no matter how much my wife tries to turn me into a waif of air that only consumes pollen.

If Jessica Alba came to my front door and told me that her body temperature was dropping and she needed me to put down my Chip-A-Hoy and hug her naked body with my naked body to keep her alive, I would. I don't like Chip-A-Hoy's that much. I'm not going to let Jessica Alba die because I'm eating a cookie. Please be clear though, I really enjoy eating Chip-A-Hoys.

When I'm done with the Mighty Taco, the beer, the Chip-A-Hoys and the milk, I find stray deer in the woods and run them down. Once I've captured a deer, I smother it in Tequila, Bar-B-Que and Magic Shell Chocolate and then I deep fry it and consume it whole.

Then I drink some Peppermint Tea because it's really good for soothing your stomach.

There are so many commas in this blog.

Applebees Will Test Your Marriage

We ate out at Applebees the other night and my wife woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning to throw up Applebees into our toilet. So, I dutifully rushed to her side to hold her hair back as she was passing her insides through her esophagus.

This will really test your relationship because, as she was throwing up, my wife farted on me. The smell could best be described as 'deadly'.

The smell actually wove its way into the fibers of my shirt, like syrup into the divots of a waffle, and I had to go to our other bathroom to throw up. I had to throw the shirt away because Tide has yet to develop a product that would power out that noxious emanation.

They don’t show you the video clip of this happening in those “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercials.

Those commercials always feature two attractive people sitting by a fire, not blasting fire from their ass onto their spouse while emptying their organs into a toilet. I’ll bet they’d sell less diamonds if they showed you what really happens with true love.

Every kiss might begin with Kay, but it ends with your wife's ass turning into a Roman Candle as she shits her pants while making a noise that sounds like someone dragging a cat across a chain link fence.

And Applebees left this out of their advertising as well. I think their slogan should be “Make your wife so sick that she poisons your lungs and makes your shirt unusable with air.”

Instead, they went with “Eating Good in the neighborhood". There should be a disclaimer.

Extinction of Bit-O-Honey

When I was 8-years old, I attended my first hockey game at Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo. The Sabres beat Quebec 9-to-5. My brother Jim brought a bag of Bit-O-Honey candy as a snack. This marks the last time I have eaten a Bit-O-Honey candy.

They still sell Bit-O-Honey candy, so people must be eating it, but I fear that most of these people will soon be dead; not because Bit-O-Honey is poisonous but because the people who buy and eat Bit-O-Honey's are usually upwards of 90.

The market for Bit-O-Honey has to be shrinking. We may be approaching the extinction of the Bit-O-Honey.

I guess that could change. Maybe some teenage dreamboat will get caught munching Bit-O-Honey in his tour camper and all of the kids will suddenly crave lightly-sweetened chunks of glue. Isn't that how these things work?

I was on the Bit-O-Honey wikipedia page earlier. It took awhile to load because so many people across the globe were also visiting that same page. Apparently, Bit-O-Honey was originally a giant bar of toffee, not intended to be sold in bite-sized pieces. The regression is obvious. There's nowhere else to go for the Bit-O-Honey franchise.

Bit-O-Honey is a terrible name. Who names a product after it's 8th most abundant ingredient? They didn't name 'Count Chocula', 'Count Salt-ula'!
On the back of a bag of Bit-O-Honey, 'Honey' is listed, ahead of 'Salt' and 'Dried Egg Whites'. I'm guessing 'Bit-O-Dried Egg Whites' wouldn't have sold as well.

While on the wikipedia page for Count Chocula, I found this gem:

"Franken Berry was very popular when first introduced possibly because the initial batches of the cereal used a dye that didn't break down in the body, causing many children's feces to be bright pink, a symptom sometimes referred to as "Frankenberry Stool."

If you need me, I'll be at the store buying Frankenberry. I'm told they still sell it at the Walmart on Transit.