Bachelorette Recap- This Woman is Pathetic

Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7^th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.

ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.

When we last left Ashley H. she was completely void of self-worth and desperately trying to get 11 men to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. We’ve been teased all week long over the fact that Bentley was coming back to break Ashley’s heart some more. She brings her boyfriends to Chiang Mai in Thailand to kickbox and run into her fake ex-boyfriend, Bentley.

Beanbag thinks that Chiang Mai is the most romantic place on earth. He’s never been to South Buffalo after 3 a.m.

The production crew gets in place early to film shots of Ashley walking through the streets, deep in thought. Ashley thinks that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love, despite the fact that there are zero mechanical bulls.

There will be three dates this week; a one-on-one date, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one man is immediately asked to go home while Ashley and the other guy finish their dinner.

One of the Josh Grobans gets his first one-on-one date. He and Ashley walk through Chiang Mai. I’d like to take a moment and point out how there have been zero helicopter rides so far this season. Nowhere has the bad economy hit harder than Reality Television. These sluts used to ride Helicopters everywhere. Now, they’re riding coach to Vegas and taking Mopeds through 3^rd world countries. To be fair, most of the budget was spent on paying actors to pretend that they're contestants.

Ashley and Josh Groban paint umbrellas. I’ll let that sink in. She asks him if he thinks she’s pretty and then cuts herself. Then, they visit an old temple where people aren’t allowed to kiss. She gives him fifty dollars to kiss her. It’s quite romantic and pointless.

During the commercial break, Mike Rowe tries to sell me things while never taking off his baseball hat. He’s like Ken Griffey Jr. I’ve never seen him without one.

When we return to the action, Ashley and Josh Groban eat food in a candlelit garden. It would have been a slow scene, but they fill the time by talking about the pointless date we just watched. Groban talks about how his dead Father turned him into a man. Ashley interrupts him to ask if it’s time to kiss.

Josh Groban gets a rose. There are still over 90 minutes to go in the show. We've got a long way to go before the Bentley footage.

The next day, Ashley takes 8 guys on a group date. Because there hasn’t been enough grappling hook adventures this season, ABC Producers make the 8 men kick box each other. We finally get a chance to see some of the guys take off their shirts. Most of the contestants get into it, but Bean Bag Face doesn’t like fighting. He gets stuck with the pink fighting gear and the audience is immediately made aware of the fact that Bean Bag will soon go to the hospital based on the barrage of promos we’ve seen over the past week.

Ashley talks about how nervous she is to see her boyfriend’s punching and kicking each other. It’s nice foreshadowing for the ambulance scene. We only have to sit through 20 minutes or so before Bean Bag get broken. He fights Ryan, the guy everyone hates, and gets his bell rung. He got a nice concussion and sits there with the same look I had on my face when Brett Hull held a Cup up at Center Ice of the H.S.B.C. Arena. (That’s 2 sports references. You’re welcome.) The injury totally was not worthy of the dramatic teaser footage. I was expecting a bear attack with missing limbs.

Ashley is very concerned over Bean Bag face, and the fact that no one has told her that she’s not ugly in the last 15 minutes. The group gets showered and has a cocktail party. Bean Bag Face shows up late to add some drama. He can’t talk right because his brain is still bruised from being punched. I can’t wait for future Bachelorette contestants to donate their brains to science to prove how costly a career in Reality TV can be to one’s brain. (Seriously, three Sports References. I’m this close to Andy making this one of the main stories on the site.)

Lucas mentions that he Golfs and Ashley shoves her butt into his crotch and begs him to show her how to Golf. Lucas seems uncomfortable, but doesn’t want her to cry, so he begrudgingly spoons her for a couple of seconds.

There is so much talking this episode. It’s painful. Can’t they find out how someone’s loved one died and go do the exact thing that loved one died doing like last season? Can you tell I was a guest bartender Monday night and wrote this recap after many Irish Car bombs? Is anyone else excited that the ‘tags’ section of this recap may contain the phrase ‘Irish Car bomb’? These questions aren’t rhetorical, by the way.

The next day, Jowls and Nice Guy head off for their 2-on-1 date. Neither man is looking forward to it. It’s not stressful enough to make out with a mildly attractive girl in front of millions of people. Adding the threat of being dumped during dinner makes it that much more of a pressure cooker.

Ashley takes the men for a ride on some elephants. I think Ashley rode Elephants with Brad Womack. Again, this show is dirt poor and out of ideas.

Nice Guy takes advantage of some alone time with Ashley by throwing Jowls under the bus. He says that Jowls is looking forward to getting kicked off of the show so he can parlay his Network TV appearance into playing the field back home. Ashley handles the news well by cutting herself.

The trick works as Ashley sends Jowls home. Nice Guy will no longer be referred to as ‘Nice Guy’ from this point on. He’s William. I hope you’re able to keep up at home. Jowls is wearing Moccasins with no socks. My feet would smell like stomach bile filtered through a used diaper if I did that.

Ashley and William eat dinner while he blows his chances by telling her he’s not grown up yet. Ashley makes it a double-kill 2-on-1 by sending William home too. It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. It’ll be nice for Jowls to watch that moment back at home. William cries in the limo.

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is super dramatic. Ashley starts things off by asking all of the guys who think that she’s ugly to admit it and leave. This woman could be the centerpiece of several medical novels about insecurity. Ashley talks to the other Josh Groban and it is beyond confusing because he looks just like Josh Groban. (The Bachelorette Josh Groban, not the real Josh Groban. Although, both of them look like Josh Groban. I’ve continued to drink at home.)

All of the dates are over and there’s still 20 minutes of show left. It must be time for Bentley to re-punch the clock and return to torment Ashley. Chris Harrison interviews Ashley during which time she tells him that she needs to see Bentley. Chris cuts her a deal, saying that, if she kicks a couple more guys off, he’ll fly Bentley into Chiang Mai. I can't wait to watch Ashley fake cry.

The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.

Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.

Stay in School.

Bachelor Recap- Prostitution is Legal in Vegas

Forget everything you know about the Bachelor because it’s about to change…

…Unless, you’ve watched the show before because it’s all exactly the same as every other season.

Brad Womack is still looking for love and Reality television producers will stop at nothing to help him. Short of that, the producers are hoping that Brad gets sick of the bat-crap crazy women they’ve provided and he goes on a drunken slap-spree. (Ratings gold!)

We continue our journey with everyone’s favorite host, Chris Harrison, explaining to the girls that they’re leaving the mansion to travel the world.

The first stop is Las Vegas.

I guess they call it ‘Sin City’ for the number of times the Bachelor girls use the Lord’s name in vein. Throughout this episode, the phrase ‘Oh my God’ was uttered about one thousand times. We can sleep tight knowing each of these girls will spend an eternity in hell.

My favorite moment of the show is when the girls are all in a room saying ‘Oh my God’ when Michelle, who was in the middle of saying ‘Oh my God’, then pauses to change up ‘God’ to ‘Word’. It’s as if she knew they had already reached their quota.

There are 10 women and 1 paid actress remaining on the show.

That’s right, Michelle is apparently an actress.

A reader named Dan forwarded me a link to her IMDB.com page, listing the previous movies in which she has starred. Her name is Michelle Money. She is not a hair dresser from New Jersey.
I’m not sure if this constitutes a ‘scoop’ or breaking non-sports news, but we’re on to Michelle and the orchestrated pile of garbage that the Bachelor has become.

This show used to stand for something. It used to be a mature Reality Game show. Now, it’s just cheap.

Now armed with the information that Michelle is an actress, it’s hard to watch her scenes. Everything seems so rehearsed. It’s like Brad is at a dinner theatre that mixes the people from the show into the audience. I liked it better when I just thought she was crazy.

Anywho, Brad gets a 1-on-1 date, a 2-on-1 date and a group date. Chris Harrison has already called it "the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever". I’d like Congress to put the Bachelor on the stand like they did Major League Baseball. Someone should have to answer for this mess.

Shawntel gets the 1-on-1 date. Brad picks her up in a stupid car and takes her to a mall. Brad takes Shawntel on a shopping spree. She can go into any store and take anything she wants. They pass it off as Brad buying the gifts, but I’m pretty sure ABC picked up the check on this one.

Brad says that the shopping spree is "every single women’s dream" because married women hate shopping.

Afterward, Shawntel is shown picking up about 40 shopping bags full of clothes and a purse that cost $5,000 while she talks about how "real" this time spent with Brad has been. She says, "To me, this is all been very real. This could be love."

So, if you’re dating a girl and you want to come across as sincere and real, get ABC to spend $40,000 on her.

They do a good job of making sure Shawntel has enough time to drop off her booty at the Vegas hotel so the other girls can drool over her shopping spree. Not one girl mentions how jealous they are of the time Shawntel just spent with Brad. These hookers want the clothes.

That night, Shawntel and Brad eat on the roof of the mall as she tells him about her job as a Funeral Director. Then, there are fireworks.

Next comes the group date. It’s super dramatic. I thought I was past it, but my eyes are already welling up with tears and my hands are shaking.

Brad takes 8 women, including Emily, to a Nascar track to race Nascar cars and OH MY GOD EMILY’S FIANCE USED TO BE A NASCAR DRIVER AND CRASHED ON THIS SAME TRACK AND THAT ENDED HIS NASCAR DRIVING CAREER AND HE’S DEAD AND HOW COULD BRAD DO THIS?

Yeah, so they’re racing and Emily’s being quiet and Brad pulls her aside and she tells the dead fiancé story again because that’s all she does is tell the dead fiancé story.

Brad feels bad but Emily forgives him and she builds up the courage to drive a car in a circle while crying.

These producers are awesome. It’s clear that they’re not letting an idiot like Brad make the decisions on where the dates occur, so it was ABC’s idea to get Emily to that race track for the tearfest. (Note to my computer… ‘tearfest’ IS a word!) You can almost hear them high-fiving each other as Emily breaks down. It’s a classy move all around. Plus, with Brad feeling stupid about digging up dead fiancé memories, he focuses all of his attention on Emily and the other girls get crazy jealous and they wish that they had dead fiancés. Wouldn’t the plural of ‘fiancé’ be ‘fianci’? It doesn’t come up much because non-Mormons usually do things one fiancé at a time, but we need Congress to clear this up for shows like the Bachelor. Congress is understaffed.

Brad says that driving a NASCAR car is "every single guy’s dream" because that’s what I dreamed about when I was single.

After the race track of broken dreams, Brad takes the girls to a nearby pool because everyone was wearing too much clothing. Also, with all of the high speed cars around, there hasn’t been alcohol consumed in minutes.

The pool party is once again a carnival of crying women who are jealous of how much better looking Emily is. Brad gets his fill of booger kisses. Emily is attractive, but I don’t think she wins this game show because she’s isn’t very interesting, at least not in the footage I’ve been shown. I don’t think she’s slutty enough (Seriously, computer? ‘Slutty’ isn’t a word either? What year is this?) I don’t think she’s slutty enough for the latter rounds either. Pretty soon, Brad’s gonna be in Cabu and he’s going to have a hut and he’s going to want some hot ‘Ab’ action. Are you going to step to the plate Emily? Sluts take first place on ABC, remember that.

The next date is a 2-on-1 with the two Ashleys. (Look, computer. I don’t know how to pluralize ‘Ashley’. I’ve just about had it with these Bachelor recaps. Modern English isn’t advanced enough.)

Ashley S. and Ashley H. go with Brad on a date but only one Ashley comes back. For those of you still reading this recap, Ashley H. is the perky, easy-to-hate, dentist. Ashley S. is the cute girl who never talks.

The date is awesome. They rehearse to appear in a Cirque de’ Sole Elvis show because that hasn’t been done on a Bachelor season in months. Then, they sit down for a nice dinner that had to be delicious because nothing makes me hungrier than the thought of being dumped by an idiot on National T.V.
I hope ABC at least gave their leftovers to some of the Vegas homeless because there’s no way in hell either of those girls touched their food.

Then, Brad gives Ashley H. a rose right in front of Ashley S. Then, he dumps Ashley S. and she cries for 15 minutes while they blare Elvis’ "Are you lonesome tonight". Again, ABC is classy all of the way.

The day after dumping Ashley S., Brad calls his therapist. He’s been meeting with this guy throughout the season and I haven’t mentioned it here in the recaps yet. Brad has a therapist because his father was never around.

Brad’s therapist basically tells him to dump women without concern for their feelings because he’s on a game show designed to choose his wife. I didn’t make that last part up. Go ahead, go to ABCTV.com and watch the episode. Skip to the 1:33 mark. By the way, this show is 2 hours long. Have I mentioned that it is two hours long? It is two hours long.

The cocktail party is uneventful. Michelle has a very staged and rehearsed scene where she tells Brad to send all of the girls home except her. Brad dumps two girls. One of them is a sports publicist. The sports publicist makes my day by not saying goodbye to Brad. He asks her if he can explain and she just wordlessly leaves the room to go cry in a limo.

A Bachelor party from the next hotel room spills over onto the rose ceremony and a drug dealer beats a man to death just as Brad is handing out his third rose. The girls are really scared and the drug dealer grabs one of the roses on his way back through the hole in the wall created when he threw the guy into the room. The girls scream and cry about how there’s one less rose until ABC agrees to provide a replacement.

They patch the hole with a tarp and some tape.

Hi Idiot

I know you're busy being an idiot, but I noticed that you're getting a lot of money for that frivolous lawsuit that helped to ruin our country, and I would like a chunk of that.

You'll notice that I've put together this ridiculous jingle in an attempt to burn my phone number into your brain. This way, when you're boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps with your brother/sister and you want a new Camaro to make them jealous, you'll know exactly who to call to get the ten grand that would have been spread over numerous monthly payments.

It's way quicker than watching through your rear view mirror for someone to be distracted and then slamming your brakes to cause their car to slam into the back of your car and then suing them. That could take years. You want that Camaro now!

I'll just give you less money in exchange for your more money, immediately. Everyone wins. Except for the amount of people who lose. Which is, eventually, everybody.

Please don't forget my phone number.

George Rogers Ruined My Childhood

My mother not only supported my addiction, but she personally funded several transactions.

She used to let me go through her purse for change to buy football cards.

My mom’s purse smelled like spearmint. My mom always had gum but she would only chew half sticks at a time. Not many people knew about the horrible gum shortage of the 1980’s. She would ration her gum for the greater good. Because her purse contained several ripped pieces of Wrigley, you would reach into her purse for dimes and come out with sticky fingers.

It was all probably a scheme to get my fingerprints in case I ever turned to murder.

The first eight years of my life were loose change and football cards. Nothing else mattered. I hardly ever worried about politics or global warming.

Small stacks of Topps Football cards were about 40 cents. The big mother pack with a featured 1,000 yard rusher were 75 cents. The wrapping was clear, so you could see the first card. The advantage of the extra 35 cents was the ability to choose your 1,000 rusher. That way, you could assure yourself of not getting a double.

I hated George Rogers. Something happened at the Tops plant in 1986 that caused the mass production of ‘George Rogers’ cards.

Some poor guy, probably at the end of an overnight double shift, accidentally backed into the ‘George Rogers’ button right before heading out on a 3-day weekend. Now, 8 year olds who just managed to scrape together 75 cents had two choices; their 5^th George Rogers 1,000 rusher card or no cards.

It was like a plague.

I had over 20 George Rogers. My G.I. Joe troops used ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher cards as target practice for their boot camps; Police firing range-style.

I wonder if George Rogers ever imagined, while following Joe Jacoby off-tackle for a 4-yard gain, that all of his hard work would ultimately mean his image would be burned onto a glossy 2.5 X 3.5 card that I would use to kill spiders.

I’ll bet he would have kneeled at 999 yards.

I kept my George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards in a separate pile, stacked upon my dresser. They came in handy as drink coasters and scrap paper for phone messages.

If I was playing 1986 Tops Football card War with Michael Bauer, the ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher card was the ‘2’. (Steve Largent’s ‘Record Breaker Most Seasons with 50 or More Catches’ card was an ace.)

Sometimes I would feel bad about my treatment of George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards. Luckily, I could use all of those extra George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards to dry my tears. And plus, screw him because he was probably a millionaire.

The only thing worse than the 1986 George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher card was the 1986 E.J. Junior. Put your helmet on, loser.

Muppet Babies

Warning: This blog contains explosive and gratuitous sexual content.

Not really.

Was 'Muppet Babies' a prequel, or did the Muppets just have kids? If the Muppets had kids, it's safe to assume that Kermit and Miss Piggy never got together. The Kermit and Piggy babies looked like a frog and pig, not morphed frog/pigs. This would also mean that Miss Piggy named her daughter 'Miss Piggy'.

It would make sense that the cast of 'The Muppets' would all leave their kids at the same Daycare center.

Speaking of the Daycare center, Nanny should be fired and jailed. This woman never checked on these kids. She would waltz into the room once every 30 minutes....TO CHECK ON BABIES! Even if they were just 'Muppet' babies, you're getting paid to watch them. You're their Nanny.
You can't just wall them in and then escape to the den to drink wine and watch your stories.

If I tried to leave a baby alone for 30 minutes, I'd be on the news. They never show Nanny's face because her eyes were sunken in from all of the Heroin she was doing with random dudes in the next room while these babies played with razors.

Also, what were Scooter and Skeeter? Fozzy was a bear. Ralph was a dog. Gonzo was a weirdo. Scooter and Skeeter kind of looked like a cross between a salamander and a penis.

After I published this blog, the site said "thanks" and flashed a link to buy Muppet Babies DVD's. It's like they're not even reading my blogs.

Kraft isn't answering my email

When I was 17, I drank an entire bottle of Black Velvet and cut open my arm from elbow to wrist trying to climb School 27.

Today, I emailed Kraft because the stores around here are no longer carrying the Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing that my wife and I like.

I've slowed down considerably.

It's not like I was moving at break-neck speed. Showtime isn't about to film a series based loosely on that summer I came home every night at watched my roomate play Final Fantasy IX, occasionaly yelling things like, "Move that rock. I'll bet that's the way out."

But, I answered to no one and emailed ZERO salad dressing companies. I once drank a beer out of rented bowling shoes on a 5 dollar bet. I used to leave the house with 7 dollars and not worry about how and when I was going to get home.

Today, while emailing Kraft about their Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing, I checked the box labeled, "Yes, I'd like to receive periodic Kraft recipe and promotional information emails."

I used to say to myself, "I'll never be my Dad." Well, I was right. Even my Dad is too cool to email Kraft. He doesn't eat salad.

I think it's time I made some changes. I think it's about time I started taking some risks...or, at the very least, stop emailing Kraft.

I've never tried getting attacked by a big dog and then punching it into submission. I'm sure that's a real adrenaline kick. Also, shoplifting.

Skydiving and base jumping are so cliche'. Instead, I'm going to jump over a speeding car. You actually only need to jump about 48 inches into the air. The car does most of the work. I'll start with something small like a Prius and then work my way up to the stretch models.

From now on, I'm going to get my old standard Whopper meal with an extra fry and the Oreo Cake every Friday. And don't tell my wife because she'll totally flip out and ground me.

Re-thinking Dog Loyalty...and whether or not "re-thinking" is hyphenated

In an attempt to make up for a youth wasted on Sega Wonderboy, I was jogging through my neighborhood this morning. As I passed two children playing on their front lawn, a dog ran out to explain to me, in dog terms, that I was not wanted. He stopped just short of the edge of the lawn. He followed along at my 4 mile-per-hour pace until I was clear of his territory.

It was a warning. I don't hate him for it. I did, however, notice that he wasn't wearing a collar. That means that there was no invisible fence. He was probably trained to only go so far. I doubt that the owners used the old "beating" method to teach him this behavior so, I can only assume that they used treats for training.

Training a dog is easy:
You call him to the edge of the lawn. You gently tell him to go no further. You hand him a snausage. In 2 weeks, he wouldn't cross that imaginary line to catch a cat with a steak tied to its face.

That sucks.

I'm a dog lover. I love me some dogs. Dogs need to be better than that. If you've deemed me a threat, you need to take me out. Dogs are essentially saying that they'd rather have a treat than save the lives of helpless children.

You can blame the training all you want. That dog has a responsibility. Human life is worth more than Gaines Burgers. Suck it up, dogs.

I should retract something from the first line of this blog. My youth was not wasted on Sega Wonderboy. It was fulfilled. That game was the pinnacle of civilization. From the ages of 10-to-12, I logged more hours playing Wonderboy than sleeping What was I supposed to do, read? Would time have been better spent at the park?

You show me the park where a 10-year old can buy mead and boots that make him run faster and jump higher. Caz park had zero mead stands. I always hated that about Caz park.

If you never played Sega Wonderboy or visited Caz park, you're probably wondering what my problem is. It's you. You're my problem.

Also, have you noticed how jogging no longer exists? Thanks to Nike, you're running. There are two forms of human motion, walking and running. When I was 8, and Donny was chasing me with dog shit in a rag, (true story) I ran. Now, if you pick up your feet just high enough to breath a little heavier, you're running. No one uses the word "jog" anymore.