Or, You Can Shoot Me in the Face

(Editor's Note- If you haven't seen the movie 'Marley and Me', or are a huge fan of grammar, don't read this article.)

My wife and I were out to rent a movie the other night. We wanted something fun and light. The back of the 'Marley and Me' box said, "The #1 Family Comedy".

I had no idea that American Families found the slow, painful death of Golden Retrievers so hilarious. I can't wait for the side-splitting sequel to 'Marley and Me' where a litter of kittens gets lost in the woods and then stumbles onto the Interstate during rush hour.

'Marley and Me' is the most dramatic, depressing movie I have ever seen. It makes 'Beaches' look like 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Here's an idea. Let's take a beautiful creature and allow an audience to fall in love with it for 60 minutes. Then, we'll rip out everybody's soul with a solid 7 minute scene of a man saying goodbye to his best friend while poison courses through its veins, ending its life.

If you had plans to gather the kids around the tube for some 'Marley and Me', be prepared to explain to them why dogs die. It's bound to come up in conversation. Also, buy them black eye liner and Depeche Mode CD's, because they're going to turn into depressed, EMO's who hate you for the rest of their lives for renting 'Marley and Me'.

You might want to just eliminate the middle man, go out and buy a puppy, and then beat it in front of them.

The worst part of burning a Saturday night on "Marley and Me" was the fact that my wife fell asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So, when I got to the scene of an aged Marley sleeping with the kids in the bunk bed, I was alone in the dark, absolutely bawling my eyes out. I actually had to try and restrain myself from shaking, so as to not wake up my wife.

The next day, I'm in the shower and she's in the bathroom getting ready for work. She casually asks, "How was the ending to 'Marley and Me'." And I started crying all over again while explaining it to her. I'm pretty sure that any chance I had of being the dominant member of this marriage is gone. It's a good thing that we don't have a gardener.

If you're not a dog-lover, this blog will not connect with you. I guess, try to picture Brett Hull skating around the H.S.B.C. Arena with the Stanley Cup, and then running up into the stands and making out with your Dad. If that doesn't work as an analogy, I'm out of ideas.

I'm being unfair. 'Marley and Me' is an excellent movie. It just hurts so bad.

Do Your Research

No one likes living with regret. Think of how bad the Sabres want back four games against Atlanta. You would think I would learn from their mistake and try harder in life. Sadly, that is not the case.

My wife and I, for the first time, used one of those DVD vending machines Sunday night. The selection was vast and there was a line behind us, so we rushed to pick a movie. I remembered seeing ads for the movie '10,000 B.C.' and it looked decent. She, under pressure, agreed so we swiped and carried it home.

Then I got home and opened up the case for a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. The lead actor was Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. It was a movie made for television and, quite possibly, the worst thing ever burned onto a disc.

Here's the plot: An army scientist (Michael Gross) discovers time travel in the 1940's and sends his brother back 70 million years. He can't get him back. 60 years later, he sends a bunch of soldiers to 70 million B.C. to bring his brother back to the present.

Problem #1- They go 70 million years into the past in a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. They're off by 30 million years.
Problem #2 They don't just go back 60 years to talk Michael Gross out of sending his brother back in time.
Problem #3- Michael Gross is the star of the movie.
Problem #3- No nudity
Problem #4- A dinosaur jumps up and eats a helicopter.
Problem #5- A man kills a pterodactyl with a prehistoric bow and arrow.
Problem #6- The special effects rival the original 'King Kong'.
Problem #7- I rented it...and, because I used a card, the government knows I rented it.

I am well aware of the fact that they specifically named the movie '100 Million B.C.' for the sole purpose of duping people like me into renting it, thinking it was 10,000 B.C.

On the bright side, there is no chance that the hour and a half of my life wasted while viewing this movie would have been spent doing anything constructive.