Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Dumping Guys Who Wear Jeans to Bed

It is with great sadness that I must announce that this is the final recap I will ever do for ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I’m sorry, I meant “happiness”. That was supposed to say “happiness” because I’m happy. It would be “sadness” if I found out that I had to start this train wreck season over from the beginning, or if the cast members were all coming over to my house for dinner.

We’ve reached the ultimate episode in a sultry and pointless season of filth. Twelve contestants remain and they are totally ‘coupled up’. We know that ashleE will be Miss Crazypants, we know that Marcus and Lacy are in totally gaga in love, and we know that Clare’s dad is watching. We do NOT know if ABC has planned any type of result for the season, or if they’re just going to show two more hours of slurping and then drop a curtain. I’d be fine with that as long as it’s over. I can’t take any more of this crap.

We begin with tidings of love. Chris Harrison tells us how in love every one is, then he tells us that ABC is going to push and pull everyone around to make sure that they don’t stay in love. If ABC loved love so much, I wish they’d leave love alone.

Michelle Money says it best when she says, “I feel like my head is going to explode.”

The couples are all nervous because they know changes are coming to their Saradise/ Claradise/ Slurpadise. Harrison waltzes in and basically yells at everyone. He tells his fun bunch to love each other unconditionally or break up now. He really lays down the hammer and tells them not to F around with love. The couples are instructed to be ready to love each other or break up now. Michelle Money does it again by saying, “This is the real deal!” It totally is, Michelle. This deal is real. There is nothing unreal about this deal. It’s real.

Michelle Money seems to think that she has to get married right now or ABC lawyers will push her off of a cliff or something. That would be a reality show I’d watch, by the way.

The couples discuss how bummed out they are that they might have to leave if their partner isn’t ready for things to be real. They fail to point out that they’d be leaving anyway. People don’t spend a lot of time pointing things out on this show.

AShlee is wearing another headband and I can’t even listen to her talk. It’s double annoying. A headband on aShlee’s head is like putting dog poo on a statue carved out of petrified dog barf. Michelle can’t stand AshLee either and runs off to convince Graham to dump AshlEe. She’s taking this very seriously. She should, because this is the deal that is the real deal. The deal is real.

Michelle Money goes up to Graham and slams ASHLEe. Bam. Michelle doesn’t like ashLEE at all. At all. Graham doesn’t talk while Michelle badmouths his girlfriend. They hug. It’s huggy. Based on a two-minute conversation, Graham agrees to go dump AShLEE. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized.

We see ASHLEE ramble on about how in love she is and how great she has it with Graham and how they’re going to love each other for ever as Graham takes her outside to dump her. ABC produces production, yo?

Graham dumps Ashlee. He does it quick. If you’re going to dump an ASHleE, you do it quick. AsHLEE gets mad, but not “stabby” mad. She acts like an actual dumped person. I’m honestly shocked at how normal she acts. It’s a huge let down. How can a show that you expect absolutely nothing from let you down? It happened. This deal is real. It’s the real deal. AshLEe and Graham hug and it’s over.

Wait, it’s not over. asHlee asks to not be dumped. I lean forward, expecting the crazy to come out. It doesn’t. She walks away. Graham’s alone again. AshLEe’s alone again. They’re all alone. We’re all alone. Nothing matters. I hate real deals. It’s more like a raw deal.

Michelle Money runs out to console her Grahammy-pants. There are tears. It’s teary. AsHLeE talks about how embarrassing it is to get dumped in front of a million people and I don’t think that many people are watching. I know there aren’t many people reading this sentence at all. At all.

ASHlEe cries in the limo. I feel bad for her because she took the headband off. If she really wanted my sympathy, she should have worn eye black. I would have sympathized like crazy.

The dramatic ashleE/ Graham break up has everyone thinking. The deal has become even realer. It’s the realer deal. Tazos takes Kristy aside and, because the deal is completely realer, they agree to break up and not go on to whatever is going to happen later which is probably nothing. Zach and Jackie break up because they were never really dating.

Cody isn’t sure that Michelle is really into him. What Cody doesn’t consider is that, in order to break up with him, Michelle would have to no longer be on TV. That is not an option for Michelle Money. She needs TV like I need beer. ABC shows us dramatic footage of Michelle standing on balconies to think about her potential feelings for being on TV longer. Michelle Money thinks and we watch it. We watch her think and talk about thinking for six minutes. There’s a commercial break in between her thoughts. This deal is beyond real.

Coming back from commercial, Clare’s dad crawls up on the beach and birds fly by. The deal is real. Michelle Money goes down to talk to Cody. She’s tells the camera, “I just have to navigate my emotions.” I will now use the phrase “navigate my emotions” in every sentence I speak for the rest of my life.

You’ll be like, “Greg, do you want a sandwich?”

And I’ll be all, “I’m really trying to navigate my emotions to decide if I want a sandwich.”

Michelle Money calls her daughter on the phone to help her navigate her emotions. It sounds like her daughter’s name is Breahl. So, this conversation is the Breahl deal. Michelle asks her daughter if she should date a guy her daughter has never met. Her daughter tells her not to rush into things. Breahl keeps it real. Michelle tells Breahl that she has to rush into things. Breahl is all, “Just date him, then. What do I care? You named me Breahl!”

Michelle Money navigates her emotions toward the fast lane. She decides to rush into things with Cody so she can stay on TV longer. This deal is real, Breahl.

So, our remaining couples are Michelle and Cody, Sarah and Robert and Marcus and Lacy. Chris Harrison yells at them again to make sure that they aren’t lying to him about being in love. Chris Harrison really, really loves love, you guys! He just wants love to happen. He’s like a farmer squatting down in his field at dawn, making sure the love he has planted is growing. These couples are like Chris Harrison’s little love seedlings. They just need some water, sunlight, a hot tub and a helicopter.

The love challenges are announced. Chris Harrison tells them they get to go on one more date and then they’ll have their love put to the test. REAL! Deals are real. Everyone grips and complains to the camera about how real the deal is. If you read down this far, send me an email and I’ll buy you a Paula’s Donut or something.

When we come back from commercial, we see Cody putting on lip balm. Keep up!

The couples go off on their serious dates. Remember, these are the final dates before the deals get ever realer. We’ll soon have realest deals. There’s a bunch of talking about progress, nervousness, relationships and sparks. Lacy looks like someone applied her makeup with a spackle. How could an attractive woman apply products designed to enhance attraction and considerably destroy her attractiveness? She should keep it Breahl.

Robert and Sarah get into a hot tub and make out. They do a good job of not talking about making out before they make out. That makes it much more comfortable for the viewer. They have cute slurpy times.

Marcus and Lacy sit on a couch and Lacy tells Marcus that she loves him. They’re so in love, you guys!!!!!! Talk about real deals! They’re so totally in love I have to stand up and shake out my limbs to let their love flow through my entire body. I can now feel their love in my toes. If I were to give blood and the blood technician asked me what kind of blood I had, I would say, “It’s Lacy/Marcus love-blood and it flows through my body like a song” and then me and the blood technician would high-five because she would feel their love too. Did you know that you could see Marcus’ and Lacy’s love from space? Did you know that the Eskimos have 40 different words for Marcus’ and Lacy’s love? Did you know that, if you buried Marcus’ and Lacy’s love in the desert, a flower would grow? You guys are jerks.

Michelle Money and Cody talk about their progressing love. They’re offered a fantasy suite card. Cody tells Michelle Money that he wants to get married. Michelle wants to spend the night with Cody but tells America that they won’t be having sex. What the hell is the point of a Fantasy Suite if you’re not having sex? That’s not the point at all. At all.

Michelle is confused about where she’s going. She says, “I feel like it could go either way. I feel like guys with that big of a body have BLEEP. But maybe I could be wrong, like his BLEEP is muscular like the rest of his body.” See, ABC bleeped a word to make it seem like Michelle Money was talking about Cody’s penis. I’m pretty sure she was saying the word “heart” and they bleeped it to make it sound dirty. Grow up, ABC. Breahl is watching.

So, after one night, Michelle Money is now positive she’s in love with Cody. They run down the next morning to tell everyone they’re now dating. Everyone’s excited. It’s exciting. You guys were excited, too. Admit it. Cody says, “She might have broke the Code!” I’m now going to use the phrase “broke the code” in all of the sentences I don’t use “navigate my emotions”.

Sarahdise and Robert did not have a good night. Robert wore jeans to bed. JEANS! Robert didn’t want to get physical with Sarahdise and she’s super sad about it. They’re behind the other couples. They sit on a couch and discuss their lack of level with the rest of the group. These people are super open about their relationships, I’ll give them that. These deals are real. They broke the Code.

Sarah complains about Robert. She tells the camera how she tried to undo Robert’s pants while he slept. I’m uncomfortable. She explains how he didn’t try to touch her beneath the neck and how she isn’t even sure if he has a penis. Holy cow, this woman keeps talking. Robert wants the friendzone and Sarah wants the endzone. She wants Robert to break the Code. He didn’t want to be a Code breaker. There’s a bunch more talking. No one is reading this sentence. Keep up, if you were actually here.

Sarah wants someone to grope her all night and not sleep with their jeans on. Seriously, who wears their jeans to bed? I’d be more comfortable sleeping in a suit of armor. Robert is bummed out because he thought he was putting out love. He was really putting out flames. Flames of passion. Flames of Sarah’s passion. He put them out. He put out the flames of passion with his jeans. Robert wore jeans and Sarah lost love.

Sarah is now alone. Robert is alone. Sarah dumped Robert and now Sarah doesn’t have Robert or his jeans. HE WAS STILL WEARING HIS JEANS AS HE WALKED OFF THE BEACH! THEY’RE IN MEXICO! JEANS!

Sarah is heartbroken because she wanted her lower body kissed. She gets sympathy from the other two girls. They don’t kiss her lower body either. She keeps crying and talking. It keeps happening. It never stops happening. I can’t stop it from continuing to happen. I can’t do it at all. At all.

Just when you think the talking is over, we watch Robert pack and talk. He talks. Robert cries to the camera because he wanted love, he just moves too slow. He’s the kind of guy who likes to kiss above the neck and wear jeans to bed and on Mexican beaches. My crotch would start on fire if I wore a pair of jeans in Mexico.

As she’s crying in the limo, Sarah starts to realize that she shouldn’t have dumped Robert because he wore jeans to bed. She didn’t realize how real the deal was. The deal was real. Robert really liked her, even if he did wear jeans. Sarah is having regrets. We see them. The regrets stream down her face and go below her neck, a place Robert wouldn’t date venture.

Two couples remain. Chris Harrison stands before Michelle Money/Cody and Marcus/Lacy. He applauds their relationshipedness. Chris Harrison tells them that they now have to move their relationships to the real world. It’s exciting!

                               

Harrison brings out former Bachelor winners in love to talk to them how to achieve maximum lovedness. We see terrible people like Jason Mesnick and the second woman he chose during his season. Desiree is here with her guy. She’s Dez, now. I can’t remember his name. Jason Mesnick and whatshernuts talk to Marcus to make sure he’s ready to love Lacy at home. He is. We see it in his eyes and chest.

We are reminded of Sean and Catherine and their grown sexiness. They talk to Cody and Michelle Money about loving and stuff. It happens. This all just keeps happening.

The ABC All Stars ask tough questions to the couples like whether or not they like Oreos and what their favorite body parts are. There is a bunch of love, with interviews spliced in. We even get to see Cody bench press Michelle Money again! Everyone is in love. I think we can all say that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Earth.

I was pretty sure the show was over, but ABC isn’t finished with me yet. Chris Harrison comes back out to further ruin my life with more real-dealedness. There’s a final rose ceremony. Cody gives a big long speech about meeting Michelle Money’s daughter and love and big arms. He gives her a rose and she accepts it. It’s accepty. Michelle also gives a speech and I look around for something to drop onto my head. We are forced to watch more talking and rose acceptance. I hate this show. I don’t like it at all. At all.

Cody and Michelle Money make out and slurp and Michelle Money gushes to the camera in all of her emptiness. She tells the camera how happy she is because Cody was meant for her all along. This, of course, was a guy she decided to randomly hook up with a week ago at a camp fire because she was the only woman without a dude that night.

Marcus and Lacy are about to begin their rose ceremony but Marcus puts it on hold to have a private conversation with Lacy. It’s super dramatic because he’s going to dump her! That’s what the dramatic music is telling us! This show is so void of content, ABC is forced to pretend like something is going to actually happen to try to salvage something.

Marcus and Lacy have their super private conversation in front of a million people. It’s just a love speech that was pulled aside so fake drama could be created. I could almost hear Bachelor producers telling him to pull Lacy aside so they could play scary music and act like he was dumping her. I hate this show so much. When I navigate my emotions through ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, I always arrive at hate.

Marcus proposes to Lacy. It’s totally dramatic. The music is happy. She says yes. They’re totally in love. I take it all back! This show is real. It’s the real deal. Where did he get the ring when they’re on a sex island? Nevermind! I don’t care! Marcus and Lacy are in love and they’re getting married. Keep up!

All of the other whores cheer about the super cool engagement. My wife and I high-five. Love is totally conquering everything. If you punched a hole into my stomach and grabbed a fist-full of my lower intestines, my blood would splatter out and your shirt would be stained with Marcus and Lacy’s love.

After that, they still do the stupid rose ceremony. Marcus and Lacy give their stupid speeches and we listen to them as terrible people look on and smile. At least Lacy is wearing a lot less make-up for this final part.

ABC recaps the season and gives us footnotes on how everyone is either still in love or broken up. There are also bloopers. This is my favorite part of the year because I don’t have to recap a ‘Bachelor’ show for a couple of months. Please stop reading these so I can stop forever. I’m begging you. This request is the real deal. You guys can break the Code.

Greg Bauch will be performing at Helium Comedy Club in the ‘Dirty Dozen’ show Wednesday 9/10 at 8 p.m. Click on a link on the side of this page for info.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - People Talk and There's Talking

We’re halfway through the season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I think. I’m not sure. This could be the last episode. This could be like a shark attack where you’re swimming one moment and dead the next. Or, it could be like a shark attack… where… there’s a bunch of suffering, infection and pain.

Twelve people remain in the Mexican island bungalow of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. The object of the show is not known. There are couples and couples who aren’t really couples. There are raccoons, sea turtle dads, drama, booze, ocean sex and abs… in that order. Keep up.

Michelle Money begins the week by complain that her boyfriend is in love with her. You know, typical girl stuff. Michelle Money is stressed out by Cody’s love. Who wouldn’t be? Would you guys be? Answer me!

Michelle Money tries to put the brakes on. He takes it hard because he’s a giant man with big arms who moves fast. Cody says, “I’m 100% committed to Michelle.” So, there’s no part of Cody who isn’t committed to Michelle. Not even his 4^th left rib.

Marcus gets a date card and, of course he’s taking Lacy!!! They’re totally in love. ABC gives them a jeep. They drive it. ABC shows us a bunch of lizards. We watch them. Did you guys see the lizards? Can you tell I’m completely half-assing this recap because it’s midnight, I just got back from a party and I don’t care?

Marcus and Lacy climb down a cave because that’s the only thing anyone every does on this stupid show. Lacy describes the cave and its super funny because she doesn’t know what stalagmites are. We all laugh at home, even though we don’t know what stalagmites are either. They look at fish and rocks and I can’t believe ‘Happy Days’ got canceled but this show continues to air. There are bats. Everyone freaks out over the bats. ABC plays ‘Freak Out’ music to help us freak out. Admit it, guys. You totally freaked out!

Marcus protects Lacy from the bats and tells the camera that protecting Lacy from the bats makes him fall more in love with her. I know, whenever my marriage hits a lull, I unleash hundreds of bats and protect my wife from them. Afterwards, I love her a ton more.

Lacy hasn’t yet told Marcus that she loves him. It’s a huge deal. It’s dramatic. I can’t believe she hasn’t told Marcus she loves him yet. They sit on a hammock or something and talk about their relationship. Lacy finally tells him. We watch it. ABC shows us birds and stuff. I hate this show. Lacy and Marcus love each other and their love shows and grows. It glows. It won’t close. How far will their love go? No one knows. Not even John Turturros.

Michelle Money continues to complain about Cody smothering her. While she complains to Jesse, ABC shows us footage of Cody lifting giant rocks and stuff. It really helps with the context. I understand everything. Michelle Money is going to dump Cody.

Brooks enters STD island. Brooks is super quirky. He was on Desiree’s season. She’s Dez now. Sarah and her 1.75 arms loves Brooks. She’s freaking out because she’s happy with Robert, but attracted to Brooks. She hooked on Brooks. She’s giving Brooks looks. Brooks like Sarah and Robert tells him not to ask Sarah out. Robert doesn’t want Brooks to be a Sarah crook. I’d be worried about how terrible this recap is if anyone was reading it.

Robert tells Brooks that he’ll kill him if he asks Sarah out. Brooks asks out Jackie. Jackie and Brooks are going on a date! That’s awesome!!! We get to watch Jackie and Brooks date! I’m so excited, I feel alive for the first time! Sorry about all of the exclamation points.

Jackie dresses like Andromeda. Google it. Brooks and Jackie eat on TV somewhere. I’d describe it, but it’s beyond words. Brooks and Jackie really like each other. We see it. You can see the like in their eyes. I think Jackie and Brooks are healing the wounds of the nation with their romance and cuteness. I’m not even thinking about my crippling depression as they sip wine and chat about foosball. We watch foosball. It’s super intense. Sports quota filled. The winner of the foosball game gets kissed. It’s how all sports contests should be played. Jackie wins the game. Big league scouts are watching and they recruit her to play for their team, I’ll bet. ABC didn’t show that part.

Zack is bummed out by Jackie’s fun date because he likes Jackie. He’s irritated. He put his stake in Jackie and that stake has been ripped out by Brooks. Zack goes off to sit on a rock by himself. When the hell is this show going to end?

Back at the bungalow, Brooks and Sarah hang out on a couch and rekindle their passion. Brooks is charming Sarah just four seconds after foosballing with Jackie. This guy is all over the place.

Sarah runs out to dump Robert. She finds a love not from Robert tell her to meet him on the beach. Robert has bad timing. Sarah is a girl who was desperate for anyone one week ago. Now she has to choose between two super dreamy guys. Poor Sarah.

While Robert tells Sarah how much he likes her, she says, “I’m not really good at this sort of thing” as she attempts to dump him. Sarah chickens out and doesn’t dump Robert because he wants to date her in LA when their done on sin island. Sarah has now decided that she’s completely in love with the guy she ran out to dump. This show is cray.

Michelle Money has a heart-to-heart with Cody. While she’s telling him to slow down, he tells her that he wants her to meet his family. This guy isn’t good at picking up on signals. Michelle Money says that she loves his honesty and is interested in seeing where their relationship goes. She tells Cody that she adores him. This comes 14 seconds after she came to the conclusion that she was going to break up with him. This show is cray. It has no rules.

Before the commercial, ABC gives us a website to visit if we’re interested in dating America’s sexiest farmer, Chris the farmer. Finally!

Kristy and Jesse make out. Kristy really likes Jesse and thinks he’s a good guy. Jesse is drunk and kind of likes to hook up with a ton of different gorgeous women on their sexual island. What a jerk!!

Michelle Money tells Kristy that Jesse is fooling around with a bunch of women. Kristy sees the light and is super pissed. She calls Jesse the ‘DB’ word. ABC doesn’t bleep it, so you know it’s true. ABC also shows us more lizards. I’m so tired.

Kristy is upset about the Jesse news and thinks about leaving. She’s not sure whether or not to leave the island so she says, “I’m going to leave it in God’s hands.” It’s a good thing that God hasn’t nothing else to do so he can help Kristy with her love life.

Tazos answers Kristy’s prayer. Tazos is from Andi’s season. Stop it!! Tazos arrives on the island with a date card and moves in on Michelle Money. Cody is mad. You can tell he’s mad in the way that his chest and arms get even bigger. He’s like one of those blowfish.

Tazos is wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants. Apparently, he isn’t affected by the sun. Tazos moves in on Kristy. Michelle Money approves. She says, “If I were Kristy, I’d be tearing the ‘Zos’ out of that Tazos!” She does. She tears the ‘Zos’ out of Tazos by going out on a date with him. Jesse is mad. Stop reading my recaps. I refuse to check any of the spelling and grammar. Deal with it.

Tazos and Kristy take a boat ride in a lagoon or something. ABC shows us Clare’s dad, the sea turtle. They jump in the river-type thing despite alligator and snake-related dangers. We watch them float. They keep floating. It happens. Kristy and Tazos agree about something and hi-five. Can we all stop hi-fiving? Just stop it. They eat grapes. The date keeps happening.

Tazos wants to kiss Kristy, so he naturally does the right thing by asking her first and making it super awkward for everyone watching. Kristy really likes Tazos. They’re in love, you guys! This show does work.

Back at the bungalow, the sexual rompers all play football and corn hole. ABC makes a point of showing Sarah play sports and talk about how she has the worst arm ever. Grow up, ABC.

Zack gets a date card and gives it to Jackie. She accepts it. It’s accepty. AShLeE is mad because she didn’t get the date card and she’s also insane. AsHlEE is a terrible person because she wants all of the date cards. When she doesn’t get date cards, she pouts and complains and we are forced to watch it happen. It must be tough to be stuck in an island paradise and have your every need cared for and NOT get a date card. I’m not sure how she deals. I couldn’t deal. Could you guys deal? You couldn’t. Admit it. You guys are jerks.

Zack and Jackie go down to a fucking cave. All Mexico is is caves and river and turtles and sex. I can’t wait to go there. It’s dark, but Jackie and Zack are able to deal with their cave date. They’re super resilient. This is the same as the first date this week. Zack and Jackie find a table with alcohol and food lit by candles. Zack draws a parallel to his relationship with Jackie saying, “I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.” Zack is pretty deep.

Zack woos Jackie to win her back from Brooks. It’s wooey. Jackie and Zack make out in their cave. It’s slurpy good. It’s such a passionate make out session that I can’t tell where Jackie begins and Zack ends. It’s like they’re Zackie.

Jackie likes Zack. She also likes Brooks. Poor Jackie. I have no idea what she’ll do. If I were Jackie, I’d just jump into a volcano.

The Rose Ceremony is approaching. There are eight guys and six girls, with the girls holding the roses and the power. Everyone is mad at Jesse because he came to the island paradise to have fun. What a dick!

Chris Harrison enters to discuss the stakes. He asks everyone if they’re getting nervous about being sent him. Someone says something about something. I’m not sure. At no point does Chris Harrison explain what the point of this show is. We may never know. Perhaps the show will never end. I hope I’m 90 and still recapping ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. Fingers crossed.

People talk and there’s talking. Graham has aShlee. Michelle Money has Cody. Marcus loves Lacy and Lacy loves Marcus. Kristy and Tazos are totally crushing on each other. It’s crushy. Sarah has Robert but also likes Brooks. Jackie has Zach but also likes Brooks. Brooks paints Jackie’s nails. We watch is happen. You read about us watching it. It’s third-hand nail painting. How do you live with yourself?

That leaves Jesse without any prospects. He pulls Kristy aside to try and seduce her. He says, “Let’s have a good time.” That line would work on me. Kristy has a tattoo behind her ear. That must have been painful but at least for the rest of her life, she has a tattoo behind her ear. Jesse tells Kristy that he’s leaving in order to convince her to give him a rose. She’s pretty stupid, so it’s not that dumb of a move.

Kristy doesn’t fall for it. I scream out, “You go, Kristy!” Everyone hates Jesse. Jesse leaves. He promises to stay in touch with everyone. I hope he keeps his promise. This show is pointless.  

Jesse disrespects Kristy with his words. It’s disrespectful. We watch it. The girls get mad and agree to say mean words to him. The women are all going that thing where they point and shake their head when they talk, so you know it’s serious. Kristy tells Jesse… I don’t know. There’s talking. What do you want from me? It’s stupid. ABC plays deadly serious music as Kristy stumbles through her speech. It’s speechy. Kristy isn’t big with the word making. Lacy helps out by also yelling at Jesse. Now, it’s on. This all continues for 11 minutes. I hate every one of the 11 minutes.

The rose ceremony is next. The only drama is whether or not Jackie is going to choose Brooks or Zack. I watch while standing up because I can’t take the stress. Chris Harrison arrives again to extend his regards to everyone, hoping they find love. He fails again to tell us when this show will end, how it will end and what the point of this all is. I’m sure we’ll find out eventually.

Jackie chooses Zack. Poor Brooks. He had a good run. I’m going to bed. Be sure to check back next week for more of the worst thing on the internet.