Bachelor Recap- Hot Tub Trifecta

Bachelor Producers are magical. I’m sorry, Bachelor producers are actually majestic (the word ‘majestic’ got thrown around a lot last night so I’ve decided to adopt it for my recaps).
Bachelor producers can take 11 minutes of content and stretch into a 2-hour episode. There was some making out last night and conversations about nothing but, luckily, ABC rolled out some old footage from the season and future footage from a horrible season to come and gave us a solid two hours of crap. It’s kind of like how your Mom added Corn Flakes to meatloaf, only non-delicious.

Here is where we’re at. Ben Flajnik, the Bachelor, has narrowed his search for love from 25 girlfriends to 3 girlfriends. I thought one of his girlfriends was just planted by the network to annoy America, but she keeps advancing through this game show so now I don’t know what to think. My entire world has been flipped upside. Plus, I hosted the WGR Whiney Awards tonight and I’m writing this recap while drunk and in a full tuxedo (not kidding, I loosened the tie).

ABC has flown the kids to Switzerland. Nicky says, “I can’t think of a more perfect place to fall in love”. That gets said every episode. I wish they’d go to a button factory so I could hear about how there is no better place to fall in love than a button factory.

If you’ve ridden this Bachelor ride before, you know what the final-3 episode means. Ben is going to have sex with 3 girls and then dump one of them. It’s his right as Bachelor, I guess. It’s always the worst episode of the season, other than next week’s and the week after that. The 3 remaining girls are Nicky, Horse Girl and Courtney, the paid actress.

Ben starts off the episode by talking about his emotions. They show him sitting in a hotel room, a limo and plane while thinking. That’s 3-different venues to think. Thank goodness cameras where there.

When Ben is done thinking, ABC shows us the stuff that we’ve already seen this season. We reminisce about Ben making out with Nicky and Horse Girl and Courtney.

Nicky gets the first Switzerland date. Ben brings her up into the Alps IN A MAJESTIC HELICOPTER!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!! Ben does a helicopter dance. I pee a little.

“This is my second helicopter ride ever… and it’s with Ben.” That quote is majestic.Of course, Ben has a picinic basket. I added an extra ‘i’ to picinic because that’s how I choose to pronounce picinic. Write your own damn blog.

Switzerland is beautiful. Ben and Nicky land in the mountains and talk about how beautiful everything is. Then, they talk about how cool it is to ride in a helicopter and how much fun they’re having and how good their conversations are. Ben compares ’love’ to riding in a helicopter over rocks because that’s what Bachelors do. Nicky says that she feels like they’re the only two people in Switzerland. She’s quickly forgotten about the 2 camera men seated next to them in the helicopter, the boom mic guy sitting across from them, they Producer up in the passenger seat and… oh, and the guy flying the helicopter.

Basically, Ben is trying to decide if he wants to marry this girl and all they talk about is how cool helicopters are and how good their conversations are. Nicky loves how much fun their hand-picked, ‘all expenses paid’ dates are. I can’t wait until Ben is planted in the real world and he and his bride are in a Walmart that’s packed with back-to-school shoppers and they’re arguing about whether they should move to a different check-out counter because this one is moving real slow and she thinks they should stay put because this line will move by the time they get over there and, look, that women just got in that line so now it’s too late and, well, they wouldn’t have been too late if they moved when he said they should have moved and why the hell are we even buying deodorant here? We’re saving 4 cents but it’s taking us an extra 20 minutes and you know I have to get up early for work tomorrow and it’s not like you even care because you moved out here to San Francisco 5 months ago and still haven’t found a job and things were so much more fun when we were dropped off by helicopters to the top of the Alps and ABC lit candles everywhere but now I don’t think I really feel our connection anymore because you talk during movies and maybe I should’ve picked Kacie B. even though her Dad is nuts.

So, their date goes on and there is a lot of talking.

Holy bleep. I just saw a commercial for 'quote' the new film Titanic. It’s not new. It’s been on Network TV. It’s, like, 15 years old. I even hate the commercials for this garbage show.

When we return, Ben and Nicky up the conversation from nothing to how many kids they want. Nicky says she wants 2. Ben says he wants 4. Nicky changes her answer to whatever Ben wants. She’s begging to please Ben. This poor girl, who probably never had to chase a man in her life, has to ooze affection from every pore to keep Ben interested.

At the end of the night, Ben presents Nicky with the Fantasy Suite card. These cards steal away any dignity these girls might have remaining. It basically says, “If you want to stay on the game show, you have to have sex and everyone in America is going to know you had sex in order to stay another week on a game show”. Nicky accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite. It’s a skeleton key which should make the couple feel safe because no one could ever pick a skeleton key lock.
On their way to the suite, Nicky makes a squeak noise and I rewind my DVR 12 times to hear it. It’s inhuman.

Ben and Nicky make out in a hot tub. They show their bed and an ABC intern has stacked 37 pillows on their bed. Who wants that many pillows? How many of those end up on the floor? All but 2 pillows are being thrown on the floor and they’ll probably knock over a candle and people will die.

Ben’s next date is with Horse Girl. They say hi and then run straight to a cliff to grapple over the side of it because you can’t get to know someone without hanging off of a cliff with them. Horse Girl compares love to cliff climbing because that’s what Bachelor contestants do.

She’s losing her voice for some reason. Horse girl is horse (thanks Sara). It’s like she constantly just toked a joint and is holding the smoke in her lungs even though I have no idea what that means or what I’m talking about, Mom.

When they’re done cheating death, Ben and Horse Girl whip out the Fantasy Suite Card. Horse Girl says ‘Yes’.
“It’s a fantasy of a suite. There’s no place that I’d rather be than right here.”
So, that’s what Marv Levy was talking about.

For the second time tonight, Ben tells America that he loves Horse girl and how he can see spending the rest of his life with her. They make out in a hot tub. It’s very much like Ben’s date with Nicky. There is a lot of slurping. I pretend like I’m watching but I’m not really watching because it’s uncomfortable.

Courtney, the paid actress gets the next date. Ben has concerns over her being a paid actress who treats other people like cow dung.
Courtney cries to the camera because she stabs people in the face with her fingernails and is just now realizing that that might not be okay with some people. We’re all pretty surprised too.

Ben and Courtney walk around Switzerland and talk a lot and picinic with cows and there is going to be less recapping from this point out because I’m exhausted and you get the idea. This show sucks.

Courtney spends time apologizing to Ben for being the devil. She says she just treated the other women like lint because she was falling in love with him. It makes sense to me. Ben accepts her admission of guilt and agrees to continue rubbing abs with her.

Courtney’s fake crying is so much worse than her fake awfulness. I really hope she never gets hired to do actual acting.

Ben pulls out the Fantasy suite invite to present to Courtney. The Buster Douglas win over Mike Tyson would be shocked if Courtney said ‘no’ to the Fantasy Suite romp. She just lied about being in love for 20 minutes in order to get another week of resume exposure. Of course she’s accepting the sex card. Ben takes Courtney into their private cabin, private other than the fact that American is watching them.

They make out in a hot tub, a lot. 3 girls, 3 hot tubs. I can't even look at a hot tub anymore. They're so cliche. There’s dramatic, majestic music for their make out session because, you need that.

We’re just over an hour into the show and ABC is already out of content. They roll out Emily Maynard, next season’s Bachelorette for a preview segment of what will surely be ungodly television. Emily is very pretty and completely void of any other interesting characteristics. She has a daughter that, we see, will be dragged through her search for her next 3-month televised relationship. I hope she’s already setting money aside for her daughter’s therapy.

Two former Bachelorette’s Ashley H. and Ali take Emily out on the town to prep her for Whoreville. My computer doesn’t think Whoreville is a place. I’m so angry. I can’t even keep up with this recap. I want to punch so many things. I hate Ashley H. so much and they keep putting her on television. She’s a toad stool. She’s useless! Now, they’re at the movies, watching Titanic 3-D and comparing it to the Bachelor. So, if you’re keeping score at home, there is no content on the Bachelor. They’re using a show, to preview the next show, during which time they promote a movie, and it’s not even a new movie. It’s an old movie that’s being re-released in 3-D because the same idiots who watch the Bachelor will probably let their wives drag them to theatres to put more money in Leo's bank account. I dodged the first wave of Titanic. I doubt I’ll be so lucky this time around. I blame Ashley H. because she’s awful and I hate her.

After promoting crap within crap, Ben reflects on having sex with his three girlfriends. He’s interrupted by Kacie B crashing the Switzerland party. She has a camera follow her to Ben’s hotel. Ben, with two cameras and a producer behind him, acts surprised to see her… even though … never mind. This show is filth.

Kacie B. wants to talk to Ben to fill in some content holes in the episode and get answers on why she was dumped. She is not wearing eye black (mistake). Ben basically tells her that he didn’t like her Dad. He doesn’t say it but we all know what he meant.

Kacie B. warns Ben about how awful Courtney is (dirty pool). She tells Ben that she’s fake and doesn’t really love Ben. I wonder why Chris Harrison never tells Ben these things. He knows. He sees the tape. How does Chris Harrison sleep at night?

Having failed in her attempt to get back on the show, Kacie B. leaves Switzerland to get ready to be the Bachelorette in 2 years or something . Because we didn’t get enough tears and snot in her dramatic exit from the show last week, we get more tears from Kacie B. on the way out. We go to commercial with some dramatic footage of Ben thinking. Any kids out there hoping to land careers as Reality Television producers take note; footage of people thinking is gold.

There’s been a ton of crap and there’s still 20 minutes left. ABC gives us more ‘Ben Thinking’ footage and drags out Chris Harrison for an interview to go over everything we just watched. Chris Harrison nods his head a bunch. Ben says everything he just said for the last hour and 45 minutes. It’s not majestic. Chris offers to put Kacie B. back in the Rose Ceremony. Ben declines. I think it would have been lol hilarious if he pointed to a room and asked if Ben wanted an hour in the Fantasy Suite with Kacie B.

Ben talks some more. There’s soft music and more Chris Harrison head nodding. We get 3 more minutes of Ben thinking. Do you think, if I wrote a nasty letter to ABC, they’d stop making the Bachelor? Do you think Kristen Bell is nice in real life? I feel like ‘Forgetting Sara Marshall’ has ruined any chance of that being true in my mind. I’m sorry, she was in one of the commercials and I’ve become distracted.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben says that he’s deciding who he kicks to the curb at the line of scrimmage (sports quota filled)

Ben gives a speech about love or something and then thanks the 3 girls for having sex with him. Then, he sends Nicki home. I think she’s going to really dislike watching this one back with her family and friends surrounding her. That was some epic ‘Putting Yourself Out There’ television.

Nicky thanks Ben for dumping her and wishes him happiness. In an upset, she does not stab him. Ben is a big stupid-head jerk.

Nicky has some good limo snot ablazin’. You can tell that she really convinced herself that she loved the guy she met 4 weeks ago who happened to be dating 25 other women.

So it’s down to Horse Girl and Courtney. Every girl has warned Ben about Courtney and he still holds on to her. Either he’s madly in love with Horse Girl and just keeping Courtney around for ab work or he’s the dumbest man alive. Well, second dumbest. I recap the Bachelor.

Next week, they bring all of the hoochies back for the ‘Women Tell All Episode’. I hope I drink enough alcohol to rupture an organ and get out of recapping it.

While the credits are rolling, they show Ben fall out of a helicopter and into a gorge. His arm gets trapped under a rock he has to bite it off to make it back to the Fantasy Suite.