Ben Groban has narrowed down his search for love to 6 women. They’re in Belize. There is only one “Can you Belize…” joke the entire episode. I’m upset, to say the least. This episode of the Bachelor is huge because, next week, Ben travels to the hometown of the 4 remaining Game Show contestants. (Spoiler Alert! That's not the last time you're going to read that sentence!)
We open with Ben thinking about his journey in a little airplane and how huge it will be to meet his girlfriends’ families. Then, the girls chime in to tell us about the crucialness of making it through to the week where Ben meets their family. Chris Harrison then comes aboard to tell everyone how huge it is for Ben to meet someone’s family.There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date.
Sense a theme?
Horse girl gets the first date. Ben picks her up from her Belizian Hotel IN A HELICOPTER!!!! As she watches Ben walk away with another girl, Emily comes up with a brilliant metaphor.
“It’s like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake and put it in front of me and then someone else takes it says ‘Bye Bye’ and walks away… with my cheesecake…. In swimtrunks”
Ben and Horsegirl ride their helicopter out into the middle of the ocean to jump out of their helicopter. They both seperately pontificate the importance of hometown dates. Horsegirl is super afraid of jumping out of the helicopter... which is good because we all know that you can’t fall in love unless you’re afraid that you’re about to die. Horsegirl compares jumping out of a helicopter to falling in love. Then, they jump out of the helicopter. Then, they make out.
Ben says, “Jumping out of a Helicopter with Lindsey is something I’ll never forget.”
Because she jumped out of a helicopter, Horsegirls says that she has officially fallen in love with Ben.
That night, ABC lights four thousand candles to set afloat in the ocean so Horsegirl can remark how awesome it was for Ben to light so many candles. Then, they talk about how awesome it was to jump out of a helicopter and how huge it will be to meet horsegirl’s family. Horsegirl has had a tough week and is losing her voice. She’s a little horse.
Ben gets this huge romantic idea from an ABC producer who tells him that they have to write a note to stick in a bottle and throw into the ocean. It’s a super romantic story about their time together and how they jumped out of a helicopter. They daydream about the person who will find their bottle and read their romantic tale. I’m guessing it’ll be a 300lb fisherman with a Budweiser hat who finds the bottle while taking a leak off of the side of his Pontoon boat.
Emily gets the next 1-on-1 date. They ride bikes and hold hands and play basketball with Belizian men. (sports quota filled)
Emily and Ben get hungry and want to kill lobsters so some guy takes them out on a boat to kill lobsters. Emily marvels at how spontaneous Ben is for following the directions of the producers who set up, in detail, their lobster-killing excursion. They catch lobsters with their hands. Then, they high five.
Can we please get rid of high-fiving? Nothing is more awkward than watching two people high-five, especially if they're a white couple pretending like they’re in love on a Reality TV show in Belize.
When they're done high-fiving, they make out.Emily reflects on her wonderful date with a Hall of Fame quote, “If only my boyfriend didn’t have 5 other girlfriends.”
Back at the hotel, the paid actress Courtney who was planted on the show to act awful and stir bleep up is crying about Ben’s connection with Emily. She’s mad because Emily was mean to her after she was mean to Emily. She tells one of Ben’s other girlfriends that she might just go home if she doesn’t get a 1-on-1 date. Seconds later, we find out she’s getting a 1-on-1 date.
Before her 1-on-1 date, Courtney gets some time with a camera to think on a balcony. Ben takes her to a Mayan temple. They make remarks about human sacrifice that, I’m pretty sure, are racist. There is a lot of stairs and a lot of talk about the importance of hometown dates.
Courtney tells Ben that she’s thinking about dumping him. He asks her not to dump him. Then, they make out. I’m sure there is more but the whole forced Courtney plot line is beyond irritating and not really worth recapping. Ben talks about his dead dad and how proud his dead dad would be that he’s dating a planted actress on a Reality TV show, along with 5 other women.
They make out some more on top of a 2,000-year old Mayan Ruin and the music provided by ABC can best be described as life-changing. It's the kind of music you would hear if an entire orchestra just found out that they had 3 minutes to live. That doesn't make sense to me either.
Later that night, Ben and Courtney eat on T.V. and there is an unbearable amount of talking about the importance of hometown dates. This show is just… it’s just such a pile of donkey stool. I hate it so much. I just looked back up and Ben is talking about his dead dad again and making out with his fake girlfriend.
To conclude the evening, Courtney turns her fingers into guns and shots them 12 times to pretend like she’s blowing away the other contestants.
Kacie B., Rachel and the girl whose name I can’t remember get the group date. Ben breaks into the girls room at 4 o’clock in the morning. It was super goofy and silly. I lol’d a ton. They show some armpit shaving.
Rachel lets us know, in case we forgot, how important it is to make it to the hometown dates episode. “Steaks are kind of high right now. This is, kind of, the most steaks we’ve had to this point.” I think you’re supposed to spell it ‘stakes’ but I also think that this girl was talking about ‘steaks’.
Ben takes them out on a boat to shark dive. Kacie B. and the other brunette girl scream in glee. Rachel is super afraid and not happy at all about having to jump into the ocean with sharks. What a baby.
Ben tells the girls that, if they’re attacked by a shark, you should punch it in the nose. I hope someone plans on suing this show sometime soon.
Rachel is afraid to jump in with the sharks, which is good because you can’t fall in love unless your think you’re about to die. Rachel overcomes her fear and equates swimming with sharks to love. I swear to all things holy that these stupid Bachelor girls would compare anything to falling in love. I so badly want Ben to take a girl to a manure factory to eat manure so I could hear about how eating manure is a lot like falling in love.
When they’re all done swimming with sharks, they sit down on a dock to drink and further develop connections. Ben pulls Rachel aside to make out. This is like the Bills comeback win over the Oilers. I would have never expected Rachel to be in the game. I thought for sure she would be going home with the other girl whose name I have not yet learned. Ben tells Rachel that her fear of sharks let him know how real his feelings for her are. I know that might not make sense to you, but it totally makes sense to me because I watch the Bachelor.
The girls whose name I have not yet learned just told Ben that she loves him. That’s swinging for the fences. She tells Ben, “I knew it was real in the beginning… but now, it’s really real.”
So, you should all know for sure now that it’s real.
Then, Ben pulls Kacie B. aside so she can tell him that she’s in love with him. She’s crying and whispering so ABC provides subtitles. Then, they make out. I did a search with my computer. I have typed, ‘and then they make out’ 48 times.
Ben gives the rose to Kacie B. even though she’s not wearing eye black.
Ben stands up and tells them, “I want to thank you girls for everything you talk about.”
After the rose is given out, the 3 girls group up to warn Ben about Courtney. It’s a courageous step and you can tell Ben is re-thinking whether or not to go to the home town of the paid actress. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s a big deal to go on a hometown date.
There’s not enough time for a drunken cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony so the girls sit on wicker furniture to give Courtney a chance to act like a witch and be demeaning. Ben’s other 5 girlfriends refrain from punching her in the teeth. Or, they did punch Courtney in the teeth and ABC chose not to show it.
Chris Harrison breaks up the fun to skip straight to the Rose Ceremony. They make Chris Harrison wear a suit on a pier in 104 degree heat. Rachel starts crying. Her crying makes Horse girl almost cry and then there’s more crying.
Harrison reiterates for the 4 millionth time how huge it is to take a man to meet your family. Ben shows up to dump two of them. First, he tells them how huge it is to meet someone’s family. Then, he pulls Courtney aside to address his concerns over what his other girlfriends have said about her because it’s a big deal to go to her hometown to meet her family.
When they come back, Ben gives Horse girl and the other one whose name I don’t know a rose. Chris Harrison steps out to announce to anyone who can’t count to three that there is one rose remaining. There is 40 seconds of complete silence and then Ben gives his final rose to Courtney. BOOM!
Emily and Rachel go home, even though they’ve overcome their fears of heights and sharks.
There is a ton of crying. Rachel plays it cool, not being afraid of sharks and all. Emily is a snot factory.
During the credits, to prove she is the devil incarnate, Courtney picks up a live, wild Tarantula. My wife does not handle this scene well. If she was holding a revolver, she would have shot out our TV screen.
An ABC.com Bachelor promo teaser asks the bold question, “Want more Bachelor drama…?” I ask you, America, how much drama can one human take? A single episode contains over 400% of your recommended daily allowance of drama. Who is heading to ABC.com for additional drama? How about a website that offers less drama?
Next week is super important. Ben goes to the hometown of the 4 remaining contestants. It's a good thing it's not the other way around because Ben has 8 hometowns. It would need to be a 6-hour episode.
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