Bachelor Recap- Super Bowl Eating Disorders

If there are farmers in America in need of water for their crops, they should send guys with buckets to the set of the Bachelor. There’s lots of crying tonight. The promos are calling for a 100% chance of stormy eyes and temperatures in the 1,000’s!

I know we all have fun with the levels of drama reached on America’s favorite dating game, but tonight’s Bachelor was 'off the charts' dramatic. On a scale of 1-to-10, I would rate it as a ‘10’, the highest possible score in the allotted, predetermined parameter.

Ben and his women travel to Panama City, Panama. (I would have guessed that Panama City was in Missouri, like Kansas City)There is no better place to fall in love than Panama, aside from all of the other better places to fall in love.

“I can’t get over how beautiful it is. It’s insane.” It’s not insane, Ben but it is quite beautiful. It’s also in Central America where I’m pretty sure everyone gets kidnapped. The location is mentioned several times in the first 2 minutes of the show, but no one says Panama. They all say, “Panama City, Panama”. No short cuts are taken on the Bachelor.

“I have nine women coming to meet me in Panama City, Panama and I feel excited about that.” Ben says. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

This week, there is one 1-on-1 date, a group date and a 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped at dinner.

We begin with the 1-on-1. It goes to Kacie B. She is told to pack just 3 items needed for survival. Ben picks her up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! They are flown over Panama and to a deserted island. The music switches from happy helicopter music to God-fearing deserted island music. I get the chills. The helicopter leaves them for dead with only 4 cameramen, 3 light operators, a couple of sound guys, the food spread provided for the production team and the 3 items each lover packed. (Drama-meter=green)

Kacie B. brings out her 3 items; Monkey man (?), a wine opener and a bag of candy. Ben has a fishing net, matches and a machete. They hunt for coconuts while explaining the parallels of coconut hunting and relationships.

Kacie B. channels her inner Romance Novel author self, “Watching Ben crack into a coconut... it’s so hot.”

They take the net and go fishing. They catch a fish. The fish was not moving before they scoop it in the net and does not move at all while in the process of being scooped out of the ocean in into a net. I’m convinced they just scooped up a fish that some poor Bachelor intern had to pre-catch and kill and then place back into the ocean in front of them.

They cook the fish on a fire. It’s a good thing they got something in their stomachs because the 11 minutes they were stranded out in the middle of nowhere was almost enough time for them to starve to death.

Back in Panama City, Panama, Ben and Kacie B. sit down for a serious conversation and eat food that didn’t need to be caught after an intern caught and killed it. She drops a bomb on Ben. She confesses to having an eating disorder when she was in High School. (Drama-meter= yellow)

Her parents caught her throwing up her food at a Super Bowl party. They did not say which Super Bowl. She’s 26, so I’m guessing it was the Ravens/ Giants Super Bowl and who didn’t throw up watching that one?

They don’t show her touching her dinner, so I’m guessing that she still hasn’t buried those demons.

Anyway, Ben gives her a rose for recounting how she used to throw up and then they make out in the streets of Panama City, Panama.

The next day, Ben takes 6 girls for a boat ride in the rain forest.

A brunette whose name I can’t remember talks about how sexy Ben is because he rides a boat that ABC provided.

They wade out into a river and paddle by some kids playing soccer. The girls pretend like it’s some magical discovery of a Panama village and not a scripted Reality show plot line.

The natives bring the girls into huts to dress them into different clothes. Courtney, the paid actress takes off her top and shows her blacked out boobs for a half-hour.

(drama-meter=orange)

Ben comes out in native garb. He’s wearing a loin cloth. Horse girl asks for a drum roll and gets no drum roll.

Then, a guy who doesn’t speak English gives everyone paint. Courtney paints Ben. All of the other girls get mad at her. Then, she plays soccer while her clothes fall off.

After some pointless Courtney babbling, the group puts their real clothes on to get drunk at a hotel. Their champagne glasses are all full. Horse girl pulls him aside 3 seconds into the party and her glass is almost empty. She seems really drunk.

Horse girl tells Ben that she cries for him. Ben likes horse girl. They make out.

Ben pulls Courtney aside, as instructed in his contract. He tells her to keep being naked and not to let the other girls harass her. Courtney gives Ben her hotel room so they can have sex later.

Nurse girl Jamie finally speaks. She’s way behind in the race and hasn’t even kissed Ben yet. She asks the other girls if Ben is a good kisser, because that’s the conversation a normal person would have with the other women that their boyfriend is dating. She pulls Ben aside to prove that she does like him. She tries to build up the nerve to force a kiss on him but Courtney shows up in a bathing suit and ruins it. I’m sorry if you don’t watch the show and this is confusing but I can’t make much more sense of all this. This is what happens on the Bachelor.

Emily makes America LOL with a funny prank and then makes out with Ben. Then, Emily openly apologizes to Courtney for their previous feud. It’s a classy move.

Because Courtney is paid to be evil, she dumps all over the apology.

(drama-meter=orangish/red)

Ben pulls horse girl aside to give her the date rose. Horse girl is safe, but it’s bittersweet because she’s not going to be able to do that pleading head-tilt thing at the Rose Ceremony. They call it a night.

Courtney goes up to her room with 3 cameramen and a boom mic guy to wait for Ben to come up and sleep with her. We get lots of footage of her sitting in a chair and looking at her watch. Ben never shows up. Courtney cries.

(drama-meter=dips back down to orange)

It’s already whatever day of the week the next day is and that means the super awkward 2-on-1 date.VIP cocktail waitress Blakely and Rachel have the 2-on-1 date where one of them will get dumped at dinner. Rachel is nervous. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely acts tough to intimidate Rachel and it works.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely would be this season’s villain if ABC didn’t already pay one to be on the show.

Ben takes his two girlfriends Latin dancing. They head to a Latin Lounge. I’m assuming he already knew which girl he wanted to dump, but he tells the camera that it’s a close race.

A Latin Dance instructor tells them they have to change into Latin Salsa clothes.

Blakely says “Shut the front door!” That’s how you swear without swearing… in case you ever want to swear… but your parents are in the room.

The girls put on Salsa dresses. Ben puts on a Salsa shirt. I own a Salsa shirt. It was a regular shirt until I spilled Salsa on it.

There’s a lot of dancing. I zone out for a bit. No one has been dumped yet.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is a good dancer. I notice. I think my wife notices. Ben notices. Ben and VIP cocktail waitress have clothes-on ab rubbing right in front of Rachel and it’s no fun. No one has been dumped yet.

After a lot of awkward dancing, they sit down for an awkward dinner where one girl will get dumped before finishing her meal. Ben pulls Rachel aside to talk. Some police sirens flash on her face from outside while they’re talking. I’m assuming one of the other contestants has just been kidnapped. Rachel tells Ben that she’s serious about him and they make out.

Ben pulls VIP cocktail waitress Blakely aside next to talk. She immediately starts crying and tells Ben that she loves him. There’s a huge musical build up. It’s coming. The ‘L’ word is coming. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely pulls out a scrap book of their life together. It’s stalkery. My naïve computer doesn’t recognize ‘stalkery ‘ as a word. Grow up, computer! That’s a good way to get stalked!

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely tells Ben that she’s falling for him hard. They make out after she gives him the book. Then, Ben brings her back into the other room to dump her.

He does. He makes out with her, brings her into the other room, sits her down with Rachel and dumps her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely storms out of the room and Ben chases her down to thank her for opening up to him right before he rips her heart out.

(drama-meter=orangish/red again)

ABC shows us a cat in the street. Then, Ben says goodbye. I’m glad I no longer have to type out VIP cocktail waitress Blakely.

Let the hoochies of America and Panama City, Panama be on notice… Ben likes the nice girls.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up to drop bombs. He pulls Casey S. aside for a private talk. We’ve seen all night that Casey S. is about to cry a lot. It’s an amazing display of grief. Vegas money is on a death in the family. We find out that Casey S. is actually just in love with someone else.

(drama-meter=red!)

She has a boyfriend named Michael. Chris Harrison talked to Michael and they’re still in a relationship. Harrison is trading in his roses for a Dateline reporter’s mic. He’s hitting hard with the Casey S. interrogation. Channel 2 redcoats can only nod approval.

Casey S. admits that she’s still in love with her boyfriend. She says that it’s just come to her attention last night… in Panama City, Panama. It’s just come to her attention that she loves her boyfriend.

(drama-meter=burning red!!!)

They wander through the building to find Ben to break the 'boyfriend' news. They stand in front of a camera to knock on the door. Ben answers the door, surprised. ABC then cuts to the camera in Ben’s room which was positioned to capture Ben’s reaction to being surprised by the 'boyfriend' news.

Casey S’s explanation of whether or not she’s still in love with her boyfriend is confusing and takes years off of my life. Ben yells at her. She apologizes and cries. She cries because her boyfriend doesn’t want to marry her and she wants to be with someone nice like Ben. Ben sends her home. There’s still a half-hour left in the show so there’s plenty of time for Casey S. to cry. There are oceans of snot on her face. \

Casey S. was sent home for coming onto the show while being in love. I think that’s unfair. I got married while I was still in love with Melissa Gilbert. My wife knows. We got over it.

Ben goes out on a balcony with a camera to be deep in thought. Casey S. cries in a minivan. It’s an important lesson. If you’re going to get dumped, get dumped at the cocktail party. You get to cry in a limo.

The cocktail party is next. Only one more girl goes home. The only ones without a rose are Courtney, Jaime the nurse, Emily and some other brunette whose name I can’t remember.

Nurse Jaime tells the camera that she wants to jump all over Ben to get noticed. Then, she pulls Ben aside and tells him she wants to do… stuff. Then, she jumps on him and it’s kind of…weird. Then she makes out… with him… but… she’s really nervous so she’s talking… a lot… and I wish they’d cut to more footage of Casey S. crying.

It’s the most demeaning thing I’ve ever seen. I hope very much that she doesn’t watch this episode back. I get heartburn watching this. They talk about kissing some more. Then they kiss… and she keeps talking. I need to be set on fire to distract myself from how awful this is. I wish wolves would bust into my house and attack me. It’s so bad. It makes the phone scene in ‘Swingers’ seem like a picnic. At least we know who is going home.

In nurse Jamie’s defense, she’s trying to act natural while kissing a guy, who is dating 7 other women, in front of camera broadcasting her personal life to millions of people. I’d think twice about a girl who wasn’t nervous doing that.

The anticlimactic Rose Ceremony is next. Ben gives a speech on trust. I’m not listening. I’m thinking about nurse girl Jamie and her talking/kissing session. I need a 211 degree shower to bathe myself of the humiliation she just experienced. It seeped through the television and into my pores.

So, Ben sends Jamie home and it’s good because I’d rather watch Super Bowl 27 than that scene of her talking.

Jamie heads to the limo to cry. I honestly feel bad.

Ben drinks alcohol with the rest of the girls and announces that they’re heading to the North Pole next week. They all scream with excitement.

During the credits, Emily raps to dinner Jazz beats.

You know what’s worse than white girls rapping?

Nothing.

Nothing is worse than white girls rapping.