Bachelor Recap- Please Impregnate My Daughter

There are two kinds of people who read my Bachelor Recaps, those who actually watch the show and the lucky people; the people who will never know pain. I hope so badly that you did not just waste the brain cells it takes to have your eyes tell your brain that you're watching the Bachelor. Those cells do not grow back. They're gone forever. I'm 12% more an idiot than I was this morning.

Ben is down to 4 girlfriends. It’s pathetic. It’s borderline monogamous. What’s the point of even waking up in the morning if you don't have 25 girlfriends? 4 girlfriends is like having no girlfriends. I almost feel bad for Ben.

Ben is traveling to the hometowns of the 4 remaining girls to meet their dads and ask their dads for permission to marry the dad’s daughter on a Network TV primetime special.

Horse Girl is first up on the girlfriend World Tour. Since the season is almost over, I should point out her real name. It’s Lindzi. Even my computer knows that she spells her name incorrectly. She’s from Florida and she’s on a horse when Ben walks up to Florida. Ben says, “Lindzi looks super sexy on a horse”. I think that throwing the word ‘super’ in front of everything is catching on. My recaps are super influential.

They ride a horse over to some trees so they can sit on the grass while their horse eats. They talk about Horse Girl’s past relationships. Then, they make out. Both of their shirts look crisp and colorful. I wonder if people on TV ever have to do laundry.
When he’s done jamming his tongue down Horse Girl’s throat, he meets her parents. They are not on horseback. It’s confusing.

It turns out that Horse Girl’s parents got married in the City Hall in San Francisco. Ben and Horse Girl broke into the San Francisco City Hall to make out and watch some ABC affiliated band play one song. What a small world.

After drinking and talking, they race horses in Horse Girl’s backyard. ABC gives us some ‘Chariots of Fire’-level dramatic music. I need you to know that this last part about the horse race will be the most exciting part of this recap. This is a brutal 2 hours. There is just so much talking. Horse Girl’s Mom talks to Ben. Then, Horse Girl’s Dad talks to Ben. They drink wine out of glasses that look a lot like Mayonnaise jars with wine glass stems. Horse Girl’s parents seem nice. I feel bad that their daughter might make it to next week and they’ll have to watch her have near-sex with a man in front of millions of people on TV.

When he’s done earning Horse Girl’s parents’ trust, he pulls Horse Girl into the backyard to make out. There is a lot of slurping.

Next, we’re magically whisked away to Clarkesville, TN. It’s the home of Kacie B. who, as you may have mentally noted, also spells her name incorrectly. She is not wearing eye black.

ABC gets Kacie B. a marching band so she can twirl a baton in front of Ben. I already miss the boring horse race from 10 minutes ago.

They sit in the bleachers of the football field named after her grandfather and drink wine. Kacie B. talks about her dead grandparents.

Kacie B’s dad is a corrections officer who doesn’t drink. This should be a fun dinner to recap. Ben says that he doesn’t want to kiss Kacie B. in front of her Dad out of respect. Again, I hope Dad has fun watching the ‘ab-grind’ Fantasy Suite action that goes on next week.

Kacie B’s family leads the league in tooth-whiteness. Their teeth could provide illumination for a Monday Night Football game (sports quota kind of filled).

There is a ton of talking. Kacie B. loves Ben and tells everyone that she loves Ben. Kacie B’s Dad pulls Ben aside to scare the hell out of America. ABC gives us some dramatic ‘Dad Yelling’ music. Dad doesn’t approve of any of this Reality TV dating bull bleep. He doesn’t think you can fall in love on TV in 12 days while dating 25 women with millions of people watching. What an idiot.

During the intermittent interview pieces thrown in throughout this portion of the show, Ben is wearing a different shirt than the one shown when he’s talking to Kacie B’s family. It gets me thinking about the interview pieces. When Ben is swimming with sharks and his girlfriends, they break up the footage with shots of Ben talking about how scary the shark swimming scene is that you’re watching. That means, producers pull him into a room at the end of the day and ask him questions like, “How did it feel to swim with sharks… and… answer the question like you’re swimming with the sharks now, like, pretend like you’re in the ocean and swimming at this exact moment”. Television is so stupid.

Kacie B. is talking to her Mom now. I was sick of seeing the red squiggly line under Kacie B’s name on my computer, so I right-clicked it and taught my computer to misspell the name ‘Kasey’. My computer is now an idiot. My computer thinks that it’s okay to spell it ‘Kacie’. I feel like a bad parent.

We get down to the nitty-gritty when Kacie B’s Dad basically tells her that she isn’t allowed to marry Ben. It’s super dramatic. It flies in the face of Bachelor logic. I mean, of course Kacie B. is ready to marry Ben. She’s made it to week 8!

Ben drives away from Clarkestown, TN and they don’t make out at all and there is no slurping or anything.

Ben heads to Texas to get cozy with the family of the other brunette. Her name is Nicki. Before Nicki takes Ben home, they smear a giant florescent yellow Hi-Liter across ‘Stereotype’ City by buying cowboy boots. I hope a Bachelor contestant from Buffalo never makes it to the final four. They’ll be going over Niagara Falls in a barrel while eating Chicken Wings. Actually, Gwen from Season 2 was from Buffalo and made it to the Final Four and lost. This city is cursed.

Nicki is divorced so her parents are pretty broken in on the disappointment front. They talk about it and a ton of other stuff because all this show is is a giant talk about relationships and feelings and there was this show on the Travel Channel about a hotel in Sweden made completely out of ice and snow and it was so much more interesting than this pile of cow dung and now Ben and Nicki are making out and finally, some making out.

Nicki takes Ben home. They make out some more in the driveway.

Nicki’s Mom pulls her into a bedroom to have a private talk. It makes a ton of sense that the first private talk a mother and daughter have other whether or not she should marry a guy is held with a camera man 3-feet away. This show is super healthy.

Nicki’s Dad takes her aside to make America cry. He says that he takes the blame over her first marriage failing. He shouldn’t have given her away to the wrong man. Nicki cries. Nicki’s Dad cries. My wife cries. America cries... parts of Canada too.

Everyone eats dinner on TV. Nicki takes Ben in the other room to tell him that she’s in love. She hardly ate any of her food. They show her plate and there is bacon everywhere. She didn’t touch her bacon. I hope that someone tells Ben that Nicki wastes bacon. That’s a deal breaker.

Ben and Nicki make out under the Texas moon.

Ben’s last stop on the ‘Family visit’ train is Courtney’s hometown of Scottsdale, AZ. Because Courtney is a paid actress, paid to be on the show and create fake drama, I can only assume that her family will consist of paid actors and actresses. I go in with my fingers crossed, hoping that ABC casted the Dad from the Wonder Years for this role. I always thought he was the best TV Dad. He was super believable.

They go with a no-name actor to play Courtney’s Dad. I am disappointed.

Courtney scenes are hard enough to take, but now she doesn’t have any girls to taunt and tease. She’s basically useless. She starts off by openly feeling bad about treating the other contestants on the show like garbage. I’m sure all is forgiven.

Ben is wearing another crisp new shirt. There’s a lot of talking about whether or not a girl can fall in love with a guy in 12 days while he’s dating 24 other women in front of cameras. I swear, no one seems to get this show. They’re all idiots.

Courtney’s actor Dad pulls Ben aside to wear a sweater vest and talk. He equates marriage to Roulette or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I did look up in time to catch Courtney’s Dad ask Ben to impregnate his daughter. ABC used ‘Dad asking Ben to impregnate his daughter’ music.

Courtney’s Mom looks fake and sounds like a chipmunk. She’s very good at reacting to what other people are saying with her facial features. That’s a good quality in a paid actress.

Courtney’s Dad wears shoes without socks and I don’t know how guys do that without their feet tripping military mustard gas sensors that probably exist to prevent mustard gas smuggling and I just really can’t believe anyone would read down this far.

When Ben is done gaining permission from fake parents to marry fake people, they head to the park. ABC gives Ben and Courtney a picnic basket for their walk in the park. Where can you even get a picnic basket? I’ve never seen a picnic basket for sale. Can I go to T.J. Maxx and buy a picnic basket? I’m assuming that would be the place to go. I can just picture the look on my own face as I stand in the middle of T.J. Maxx while my wife sifts through piles of picnic baskets and I’m probably holding her purse in this scene because I’m already in T.J. Maxx buying picnic baskets in the middle of my recap about the Bachelor that 12 people will read (most of them women).

We’re back in the park and Courtney has set up an outdoor altar so she can bring Ben up and tell him that she loves him. She makes him wear a bow tie and write out fake wedding vows. She stages a big fake wedding with a fake Justice of the peace and it’s not the least bit interesting. I couldn’t hate this show more. On a scale of 1-to-10, I hate this show a ‘10’, the most you could possibly hate the show on the predetermined scale given.

When Courtney gets done telling Ben that she loves him, Ben says “Wow”. Then, they finish the fake wedding and then they make out in front of the fake Justice of the peace. I’ve capitalized the ‘J’ in justice but not the ‘P’ in peace. I’m not sure if that’s correct. My computer isn’t any help. It doesn’t even know how to spell ‘Kasey’.

I’m about to burst from all of the fun I’ve had and then ABC rolls out Chris Harrison to interview Ben and show us footage from the 90 minutes of television we have just watched in case anyone has that disease the guy from ‘Momento’ had where he can’t remember anything that happened 3 seconds ago. By the way, if you’ve never seen the movie ‘Momento’ you should do so.

On the plus side, I get to see Ben and Nicky buy cowboy boots again. I mean, you think something is a ‘Once in a Lifetime’ opportunity and then it happens again and I don’t even know how to act.

After a useless segment of repeating the entire show, Ben lines up his girlfriends to dump one of them. I was assuming Ben was sending Courtney home but they got almost married in front of a fake Justice of the peace, so I guess it’s anyone’s game at this point.

Chris Harrison drops the drama-bombs and lets the girls know how serious it is to bring a guy to meet your parents, as if we didn’t know. It’s super important. Ben gives a speech and then dumps Kacie B.

I’m floored. I joke, but I seriously thought she was going to win the game show. I wonder if Ben did it to protect her Dad from having to watch her have sex with him. Maybe he dumped her because she wasn’t wearing eye black.

I can’t believe Ben dumped Kacie B. Shut the front door! (Are you even paying attention?) Kacie takes the dumping well. She tells Ben not to feel bad for dumping her. I THINK SOMEONE’S ANGLING TO BE A BACHELORETTE!!!!

Ben puts his girlfriend in a limo so she can cry.

Kacie B asks, “Why does love hurt so bad?” It’s a good question. She’s doing a lot of crying. I hit the info button to see that there is still 4 minutes left in the show. That’s a lot of time for mascara and snot.

Ben goes back to his other girlfriends and makes a joke about how hard it was to dump Kacie B. Ben is kind of a jerk. He’s taking his 3 remaining girlfriends to Switzerland so he can have sex with them and then dump one of them. That’s next week. If you read this far down, buy yourself some ice cream. You’ve earned it.