Getting Hit by Nuns Will Earn You a Fish Fry

“Hey, we’re not allowed to eat meat on Fridays so we have to eat more fish.”

“Yeah, but who wants to eat fish? This is bullshit. Fish tastes like ass hair..”

“Burnt ass hair!”

“..Yeah, burnt ass hair!”

“I know. Let’s deep fry the fish in batter and serve it with a shit ton of butter and French Fries and beer!”

“You’re a fucking genius!”

That’s an actual conversation between the two people who invented Fish Fries, probably. They make a good point. Fish Fries are awesome.
I went to a Catholic Elementary school. For two years, my desk was placed right next to an ancient radiator. If I wandered off and lost focus, my arm would slide across my 400-year old desk and get too close to that radiator. I would burn my elbow on near-molten iron. That’s the nicest and sweetest thing that happened to me while attending Catholic school.

I was once conjugating Latin verbs at the blackboard (with chalk) when one of my classmates started laughing in his seat. The Nun teaching the class thought that I had done something to make this kid laugh and grabbed my neck with her fingers. It was a full-on Vulcan neck pinch. This 60-pound, 4-foot woman had me on my knees in a millisecond. It’s the kind of act that would get a school on the news today.

I’m not complaining. I’m glad that a Nun once screamed at me for making a ‘buzz’ sound with wax paper and a comb in the back of Art class because now I’m not a total douche who throws cigarette butts out of my car window.

More people should have their necks pinched by Nuns.

Also, Fish Fries! The point of all of the beatings and psychological torture was penance. We had to learn that we’re total dicks who can get out of hand. For Lent, you have to give up something you love for 40 days and you can’t eat meat on Friday’s because… honestly no one knows. There is no equitable reason why anyone would bar anyone from eating meat on any certain day. So you didn’t go crazy and start hitting people over irrational meat restraints, you get a Fish Fry on Friday. Fish Fries are delicious. They are served with beer, if you’re old enough. The combination of beer and 425 degree vegetable oil is scientifically awesome.

The first time my parents took me out for a Fish Fry, we went to the Glass Gazebo on Seneca Street, a restaurant that has since burned down. The Glass Gazebo had special place mats for kids. There was a puzzle where you had to find a number of items hidden into an ‘Old West’ drawing. The waitress let me take a bunch of the place mats home, which made no sense because, once you found the hidden items, the place mats were pretty much useless. The Fish Fry was still really good.

And before you fill the fucking comment section with your bull shit suggestions for the best Fish Fry in Buffalo, I’ll end the argument now. The best Fish Fry in Buffalo is the one you’re going to this Friday. There is no such thing as a bad Fish Fry, unless they bake the fish. Any establishment that serves baked fish should be shut down by the government.