Bachelor Recap- The Women All Talk at Once

It’s one last giant push to be on television, one sprawling reach at the lime light, one last desperate grasp at being relevant. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ‘The Bachelor- The Women Tell All’ episode. Or, as I like to call it, ‘Watch the Studio Audience Hate Courtney’!!!

In a world of terrible television, this is the low point. The ‘Women Tell All’ episode of the Bachelor is like reaching into a waste basket full of snotty flu-ridden tissues and pulling out the corpse of a prostitute who died of a venereal disease. (You notice how I left the gender of the prostitute non-specific? I’m all about equality in Bachelor Recaps!) With the show confined to the studio, there are zero helicopter rides.

The women tell all. Why do the women tell all? I would so much rather that the women told very little, or none. With the Oscar success of ‘The Artist’, I would like the Bachelor to be a silent Reality TV show; just whorish behavior accompanied by campy piano music. And even if they couldn’t keep these women silent for an entire season, how about a ‘Simon Says’ version of the Bachelor? The girls are allowed to talk but they’re immediately eliminated from the Game Show if they utter the words ‘connection’, ‘vulnerable’ or ‘love’.

Alas, the women tell all. Ben’s 23 dumped girlfriends sit down in front of a studio audience to scream and angle for face time. There will be a lot of tears, a lot of footage of things we’ve already seen and one dude in an audience of 300 women. I never understand how that one guy gets suckered into going to a Bachelor taping with his wife. I’ll bet the bar next to the ‘Women Tell All’ studio does a killing on ‘Women Tell All’ nights. It’s full of guys smoking cigars and not recapping the Bachelor. I’m so jealous of them. I’ll never be them.

We start the worst show on television with ABC showing us our favorite cast members of all time. They obviously didn’t consult me on this because there were former contestants involved and I have no favorites. I hate every one equally. I’m an ‘equal-opportunity’ hater. This segment is an 8-minute promo/preview for the Bachelor Pad. I hated every second of it. All of the ghosts from Bachelors past put on something tight to slut it up. The fake fish-looking girl with plastic everything kept talking in her monotone and it took everything in me to not run to the Spy Store for cyanide capsules. (Veterans of my recap will know which girl I’m talking about)

After footage there is more footage. Thank you for reading this far down. The girls get together to hate VIP cocktail waitress Blakely first. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely wasn’t nice so some of the girls screech to communicate this. Some blonde girl I don’t recognize squeals for 2-minutes and I don’t understand a word of it. My garage door opens and closes 7 times while she’s talking. It’s a sound that humans don’t make. This is how it comes across on the show: Chris Harrison says a girl’s name, 14 girls screech at once, then the studio audience erupts into applause, then Chris Harrison says how much more content they have coming up and throws it to commercial.
If I haven’t already, I’d like to point out that this is the worst episode of the worst show on television.

Next, Shawntel the funeral director comes back to look gorgeous and act stupid. If you don’t remember, Shawntel was a contestant from a past season and came back for a day to fill in some content this year. It was pointless and without a point. Chris Harrison rolls out footage of the girls saying awful things about the party crasher while they show Shawntel’s stunned reaction in a little box in the bottom left corner of the screen. After Shawntel whines about her treatment, the rest of the contestants apologize to her for acting awful. I receive no apologies from anyone.

Emily takes the Hot Seat next. Emily has a PHD. She still takes the Hot Seat. They show footage of Emily crying and talking from earlier in the season. Meanwhile, on NBC Versus, my favorite hockey team is potentially gaining a place in the top 8 of the Eastern Conference (I am taping the game to watch at midnight when I’m done hammering out this digital piece of garbage. I sacrifice it all for my 28 readers. (Yes! I’m up to 28!)

When we’re done watching what we’ve already seen, Emily takes some time to talk about what we’ve already seen. Chris Harrison nods a lot. His facial expression when talking to these women about the details of the most inconsequential things is the kind of look you’d see plastered on the face of a judge listening to a man state his case for not being put to death by electric chair. Emily regrets not telling Ben that Courtney is a paid actress. She says the word ‘sex’ and the studio audience erupts into applause. Chris Harrison throws it to commercial.

Nicki the brunette is next on the Hot Seat. Nicky had sex with Ben last week in the Fantasy Suite and was then dumped. She finished third. We get a repeat of the tearful limo-confession goodbye speech. Nicky tells America how in love she was with Ben. Chris Harrison nods a lot. His stern approval of Nicki’s love for Ben reminds me of the founding fathers gathered around the Declaration of Independence.

Kacie B. gets her own 30-minute 1-on-1 interview with host Chris Harrison. She is not wearing eye black. Kacie B. is pushing hard for her own Bachelor season. The on-line support is huge… probably… I refuse to check. It is no small feat for a 4th place finisher and quite a statement that the 4th place finisher is featured ahead of the 3rd place finisher. ABC loves them some Kacie B. I love that my computer corrected no part of that last sentence.

We watch Kacie B.’s Bachelor journey, including her epic goodbye limo confession. There is so much painful crying. I feel bad for her for having to watch that back. My wife and I hold hands through it. Kacie B. just brought us closer together. Why is there war?

Kacie B. admits that she came into the show afraid to love. She tells America that Ben changed all of that and she was truly shocked that Ben didn’t choose her. She says the word ‘Blind Sided’ 40 times. She’s putting Sandra Bullock’s kids through college. Chris Harrison nods a lot. The look of majestic understanding of love’s delicate journey mirrors the expression of a withered old man evaluating his life on his death bed.

At the end of her interview, Harrison asks Kacie B. if she’s ready to find love. She says, “I hope so. We all will, right ladies?” while pointing to the next of the contestants. My wife shakes her head and says, “No”.

I’m sure ABC will wait a week or two before announcing that Kacie B. is the next Bachelorette.

We spend the next segment hating Courtney. The drama meter climbs up a few notches. One of the girls sums up Courtney perfectly, “She was in it to win it. End of story!” My wife and I high-five. They take 10 minutes to analyze how Courtney could be so awful. There is so much talking. They all agree that Courtney is the devil. They take turns putting Courtney’s evilness in their own words. The audience claps so much that ABC has to bring in fire trucks to spray them with water to stave off dehydration.

In a surprise move, ABC brings out Courtney to answer to her actions. They don’t normally do this because it gives a finale contestant a chance to accidentally spill the beans on the season’s outcome. Courtney takes the stage to complete silence. She’s scared because she was the worst person in the world and has to now face the music. Courtney is a diabolic genius. She continually apologizes to everyone. Someone will bring up something awful she said during the season, expecting her to puff up and defend herself, but she just cowers down and says that she’s sorry. She gives these girls nowhere to go. It’s brilliant. They all came for blood and venom and Courtney ruins it with kindness. It’s super smooth. The girls end up turning on each other. Courtney should coach the Bears or something.

Chris Harrison takes a break to cool Courtney off. She gets a chance to say a few words and again apologizes to everyone. She somehow manages to not burst out laughing. You can almost hear her agent off-camera cackling.

Courtney says, “Nobody gives you a manual on how to be on the Bachelor”. It sounds like I need to write a manual for people who are going to be on the Bachelor. I would love to see women getting out of the limo at the beginning of the season and then picking up their ‘Greg Bauch’ Bachelor manual from a basket at the front door of the mansion.

At one point in her fake crying rant, she apologizes for hurting Ben. I’m sure that means she probably won the show and then cheated on him or something. I’m also sure that I’ll read about it on the cover of a magazine while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store to buy Kale and organic Bison meat because my wife hates me.

Ben comes out to sit in the Hot Seat next. The girls take turns asking him why he dumped them. I think all men and women should get this opportunity at one point in their lives. We should all be on the Bachelor. The nurse chick tells Ben that she’d still date him if things don’t work out. She stops short of throwing her keys up onto the stage.

Next, we brighten the mood with a blooper reel of fun. It’s super fun. I LOL a ton. There are birds flying, cows mooing and a 10-year old runs out to hit his Dad in the crotch with a baseball bat (not really).

They end the show with a 10-minute preview of next week’s show. Ben has to choose between Courtney and Horse Girl. We’re told there will be a lot of drama and a shocking twist. It’ll be like the 6th Sense with more abs and hot tub action. Didn’t you feel that way while watching the 6th Sense? Didn’t you feel like that movie could use more hot tub sex? I felt that way. I wrote M. Night Shyamalan a letter.

I hope you all enjoy next week’s finale. There will be a lot of footage of Ben and Courtney and Horse Girl staring off to the distance and thinking. It is sure to be the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE IN HISTORY!!!!!1111!!!! Like with all Bachelor finales, I cannot wait for it to be over.