Here are some quotes from last night’s Season Premiere of the Bachelor to start the recap:
“It is beyond words how awesome it is to be here.”
“I’m at the point of my life where I’m a model.”
“I’m real.”
“Don’t worry about her. You’re squashing that, right?”
“I preach ‘no looking back’ all of the time. That’s what I write in my blog!”
“I love grandmas!”
“I’ve never juggled 25 women, but I’m gonna dive into this experiment, ready for love.”
I know readers are expecting a bunch of hate here, but I’m actually invigorated for a new season of the Bachelor.
Ashley H. is gone. No more hearing Ashley whine. No more seeing Ashley pout. No more reminders that Ashley H. exists. It’s a comforting feeling. I have a renewed energy for recapping the worst show on television. I feel like a 36-year old NHLer coming out of the lockout. (Sports quota filled)
Josh Groban in the new Bachelor. His name is actually Ben Flajnik, but I thought he looked like Josh Groban. He may even look more like Rafael Nadal (Bonus Sports reference)
In order to combat confusion he will be hereby referred to as ‘Ben’.
Last season, Ben asked Ashley H. to marry him and she dumped him on an island or something… look can we just forget about Ashley H.? I hate her. ABC makes sure they recap the moment. Then, they got us ready for the new season by showing footage of Ben steering a boat and sifting through dirt. (Actual ABC filler b-roll content.)
Then, they showed him canoeing without a shirt.
After all of the shirtless footage and soft-music voiceovers, Ben is ready to meet his 25 skanks. Chris Harrison promises this to be the craziest first night in Bachelor history. Harrison is such a tease. Before the limos arrive, ABC rolls out their favorites with video montages. It’s an unfair advantage that gives America an extra 30 seconds to fall in love with certain contestants. It’s also a fast track to the cover of OK magazine. Here are the highlights of some of the girls given the special treatment of the video montage.
Lindsey – rides horses
Amber- Shoots guns. Eats cow balls. Super edgy and desperate. I hate this show.
Kacie – Spells her name wrong. ABC was lucky enough to capture footage of her lying around the house and reading her grandparents’ love letters.
Jamie- Nurse who lost her Dad and had a drug addicted Mom. Overcomes life’s tough issues with perkiness.
Lyndsie- British girl. I have no idea what she said, but I heard enough to hate her. I should email Vegas a thousand dollars to wager that Lyndsie will be around until the Final Four to ensure my torment.
Jenna- Blogger. Did you know that was a job? Can I be a blogger? I blog. I’ll bet she has more than 27 readers. My wife thinks she’s crazy. My wife is good at detecting these things.
Shawn- She’s a Mom and, therefore, will not win. Also, her name is Shawn and she named her son Gavin. Shouldn’t the government regulate these sorts of things?
Nicki- Texan. Whatever.
Nicki was married before. She says, “The next time I get married, it’s going to be forever.” I wish I had that stitched onto a throw pillow.
ABC takes a break to tease the fact that some grandmother on crutches tries to crash the show because she’s in love with Ben. It’s worse than paying a guy to wear a mask. I hate this show… but it’s still much more bearable without … you know who.
Commercial break highlight was the promo for ABC’s new show ‘Work It’. It’s about two guys dressed like girls. It’s like Bosom Buddies except it’s… exactly like Bosom Buddies.
We come back from commercial to see Ben buttoning his pants. It’s a really important feature of the Bachelor. You get to see the Bachelor put on his pants.
After that, we’re ready to roll. Chris Harrison pulls Ben aside to earn his big bucks. It’s the token pre-limo interview. Harrison asks the tough questions. He’s like Channel 2 News. They should give Chris Harrison a red coat.
Ben tells Chris that he doesn’t regret proposing to… what’s her name… because he grew as a person. Sometimes, taking pottery classes or playing paintball can help you grow, but Ben chose getting dumped on television.
Ben also tells Chris that his dead dad is a Hummingbird, I think. I drifted off.
Harrison and his tan get enough camera time and it’s time for the 25 girls to meet their boyfriend. The attention starved girls pull up in their limo. Many girls try gimmicks and puns to make an impression. It gets worse every year.
Highlights:
Elyse was attractive and didn’t embarrass herself.
Jenna, the blogger, made it as uncomfortable as possible. Her craziness shines through early.
Courtney is a smoking hot model who is being paid by the Producers to stir bleep up. If you’re drafting her in your Fantasy League, you’re in luck. She’ll make it 4 weeks minimum.
Some girl sprays Bactene on Ben before kissing him.
Casey was nice, pretty and without brain.
Shira is the Princess of Power… and an actress.
Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress. I have no idea what that means or if I correctly spelled her name.
The grandmother part is stupid and a waste of my time. She just showed up to introduce Ben to her hot granddaughter. Then, grandma went inside to get hammered and mingle with the scum of the Earth. It’s going to be really hard to watch later in the season when grandma is sitting next to Ben and her granddaughter grinding abs in a hot tub.
I’m already running out of steam.
Two girls arrive and look exactly the same.
I lost some brain function when Lyndsie, the British Arizonan arrived. There is no way that Lyndsie is really British. She sounds like a bad parody of a British person. She’ll be the reason I finally kill myself.
Then, some blonde chic walked by him without saying ‘Hi’.
They get too many fake blondes for this show. The blondes always end up fighting more.
The last girl is the spunky horse girl who shows up on a horse, of all things. It’s super silly. My wife and I had to pause the show because we were laughing pretty hard. It… it was just really goofy. I wish you could have seen it. Horse girl was cute but, and I apologize to all of the horse girls out there reading this, there is just no way a girl who owns and rides horses is a good person. How do you have any perspective on life? You’re an adult riding around on what every little girl wants. You basically exist to make other girls jealous. You’ve never wanted for anything in your life if you own horses and that makes you unable to relate in my book. I am willing to take this on horse-girl for horse-girl basis, so I don’t want all of you horse-girls out there sending me hate emails about how it’s not your fault and your Dad bought you your horse. Like with all hot women, I’m able to keep an open mind.
With the 25 girls and 1 grandma on board this ship or horrors, it was time to drink way too much alcohol, start fights and pretend like you’re in love.
There are some horrible people in this group. One girl from Kentucky has giant fake boobs and a gaudy hat. Some hooker is wearing a pageant sash. I have to sit through country line dancing and white girl rapping. The rapping lasts 2 solid minutes. A big chunk of me died. Fast forward 40 years to Ben and rap girl, sitting on rockers explaining to their grandkids how grandma won him over with torrid free style beats.
The paid actress makes Ben fall in love with her and then says awful things to the camera to reiterate that she’s an evil bad person in charge of boosting ratings. ABC pays a couple of girls to pretend like they’ve fallen in love and make out on the couch. If you’re new to my recaps, I should let you know that I’m a huge Bachelor conspiracy theorist and assume 90% of the show is now staged.
I can’t tell if Jenna the blogger is super drunk or super crazy, probably a little of both. She’s crying because the fake lesbians want to fight her. I always wonder how these people allow themselves to get that drunk on television in such a short period of time. And, if you’re going to go into the bathroom to cry, turn off your microphone. ABC does such a good job of finding girls who want to stab each other. I’m certain that they have the contestants fill out bubble sheet questionnaires to type their personalities. (I just turned ‘type’ into a verb there. I’m not really sure if you’re allowed to do that but, if you’ve read this far down, I doubt that’s getting you to slap your laptop shut.) The producers then run these bubble sheets through some anti-EHarmony machine to find the opposite of compatibility. This is the proven scientific way to ensure lots of fighting and crying.
Horse girl got the first impression rose, even though she’s from Seattle and rides horses. She’s so happy that her head shakes when she talks. Owning horses will make you ‘head-shaking’ happy.
Next up is the Rose Ceremony. This episode flies by with all of the cleavage and line dancing.
I think it would be hilarious if someone snuck 12 additional roses into the pile, so Ben would hand out roses to all of the girls and still have 2 left over… and Chris Harrison would have no idea what to do with himself.
A lot of girls get roses. Most of them are hideous. I don’t know if it’s the lighting in the Rose Ceremony room, but these girls look like they have plastic for skin. If only I had a sick toy-clown fetish. This show would be 38% more entertaining.
They made sure the fake lesbian and Jenna the drunken blogger both made it through to the next round to ensure plenty of drama for the entire season. Ben is required by contract to allow a select number of girls through. I, of course, have no proof of this but there is no other explanation.
On the bright side, Lyndsie, the British woman, is sent home. I get up and line dance.
The first episode is hard to recap. I’m sure I missed plenty. In the preview of the season to come there is a ton of crying but also A BLEEP-TON OF HELICOPTERS!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!!!! They also make it look like Ben gets dumped at the end. There is zero chance that happens.
I’ve never picked a winner before. My wife likes the nurse chic and she’s pretty good at this sort of thing. I’d pick any girl who spelled her name correctly.
I hope Ben finds love. If he doesn’t I’m gonna be super sad.
After the rose ceremony, they show Ben playing kick ball with a bunch of drunk chics in evening gowns. One of the girls pulls out a gun and everyone is bummed because it ruins the game.
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