I love cheese so much. I had a dream that Russia sent a missile the size of the Sears Tower toward Buffalo (I dream in the 1980’s) and we were all going to die. Instead of longing to spend my last moments with a loved one, I started unwrapping Kraft Singles.
My love for cheese is unhealthy, but more in a Biblical sense than the Surgeon General Sense. Are you even still reading this blog?
I love cheese.
My wife just found out that she’s slightly lactose intolerant, which means she’s ceasing to eat cheese. She’s not forbidding me from eating cheese but, when you eat meals with a person, you tend to take on their dietary habits. If we’re cooking dinner, we’re not going to add a block of cheese and have her shitting fire all night. If the recipe calls for cheese, we find a new recipe.
Now, I can put up having my half-assed opinions on tile color being ignored and holding hands while walking through the mall, but this lack of cheese shit is a fucking travesty. Cheese is a gift from the heavens. I’m basically using the gift receipt that heaven tucked into my gift bag full of cheese and heading back to Target to exchange my cheese for something that tastes 400% less good. Stop re-reading my sentences. The grammar is fine.
I’m 35-years old and I’m never going to play in the NFL. I do have a good 30 years or so of productive cheese eating left in me and I fear I might be wasting it now that New York State is standing at the ready to give half of my shit to this non-lactose breaking down woman I agreed to marry. The priest didn’t say anything about cheese.
I have to store up my cheese-binge opportunities when they present themselves. I find myself carrying fake beards to change identities and maximize Grocery Store 'free cheese' samples. I ask co-workers to bring extra cheese to work. I have fantasies about breaking into Hot Stuff the Buffalo’s car. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.
There are so many delicious types of cheese on this planet that I may never sample. Cheese is infinite. I went to Wikipedia and searched ‘types of cheese’ and they couldn’t even list them all. They just give you a list of countries and say, “Look, if you want to discover the World’s cheese supply, you’re just going to have to take it land-by-land.” It’s not Wikipedia’s fault. There is just too much cheese. I even pay-pal’d them a dollar because they beg for it every time I go to check NBA Eastern Conference Champions. There’s no way you read this far down.
Some companies make Bacon flavored cheese. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Cheese makes Broccoli taste good. Cheese makes dirt taste good. I’m so lost without cheese.
Richard Marx is the worst thing that ever happened to music but, when you picture his song ‘Wherever You Go’ being about cheese, it really captures the big-hair emotion. I’m singing it right now. I’m singing a Richard Marx song to cheese everywhere. I love you cheese. I love you so much my heart burns, but not in the good way it burns after I’ve eaten too much cheese. It burns with the emptiness of no cheese.
I love cheese.
My love for cheese is unhealthy, but more in a Biblical sense than the Surgeon General Sense. Are you even still reading this blog?
I love cheese.
My wife just found out that she’s slightly lactose intolerant, which means she’s ceasing to eat cheese. She’s not forbidding me from eating cheese but, when you eat meals with a person, you tend to take on their dietary habits. If we’re cooking dinner, we’re not going to add a block of cheese and have her shitting fire all night. If the recipe calls for cheese, we find a new recipe.
Now, I can put up having my half-assed opinions on tile color being ignored and holding hands while walking through the mall, but this lack of cheese shit is a fucking travesty. Cheese is a gift from the heavens. I’m basically using the gift receipt that heaven tucked into my gift bag full of cheese and heading back to Target to exchange my cheese for something that tastes 400% less good. Stop re-reading my sentences. The grammar is fine.
I’m 35-years old and I’m never going to play in the NFL. I do have a good 30 years or so of productive cheese eating left in me and I fear I might be wasting it now that New York State is standing at the ready to give half of my shit to this non-lactose breaking down woman I agreed to marry. The priest didn’t say anything about cheese.
I have to store up my cheese-binge opportunities when they present themselves. I find myself carrying fake beards to change identities and maximize Grocery Store 'free cheese' samples. I ask co-workers to bring extra cheese to work. I have fantasies about breaking into Hot Stuff the Buffalo’s car. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.
There are so many delicious types of cheese on this planet that I may never sample. Cheese is infinite. I went to Wikipedia and searched ‘types of cheese’ and they couldn’t even list them all. They just give you a list of countries and say, “Look, if you want to discover the World’s cheese supply, you’re just going to have to take it land-by-land.” It’s not Wikipedia’s fault. There is just too much cheese. I even pay-pal’d them a dollar because they beg for it every time I go to check NBA Eastern Conference Champions. There’s no way you read this far down.
Some companies make Bacon flavored cheese. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Cheese makes Broccoli taste good. Cheese makes dirt taste good. I’m so lost without cheese.
Richard Marx is the worst thing that ever happened to music but, when you picture his song ‘Wherever You Go’ being about cheese, it really captures the big-hair emotion. I’m singing it right now. I’m singing a Richard Marx song to cheese everywhere. I love you cheese. I love you so much my heart burns, but not in the good way it burns after I’ve eaten too much cheese. It burns with the emptiness of no cheese.
I love cheese.
4 comments:
Very Gouda
I would cut someone for habanero cheddar. Thankfully, they exchange it for money at the store.
Cheese does come to mind whenever I hear or hear about Richard Marx. Is that ironic or just coincidental?
Whatever it takes
Until my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you....cheese.
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