Bachelor Recap- I Almost Just Want to Rip Her Head Off and Verbally Assault Her

Things are getting serious on everyone’s favorite television show. Ben has just over a dozen girlfriends remaining and he has to marry one. It’s anyone’s game at this point. The favorites in the Bauch house are Kacie B., the horse girl, that blonde with the thing and the nurse who I thought they kicked off but it just turns out that she kind of looked like a girl they kicked off.

With all of Ben’s hometowns in the rearview mirror, the fun bunch sets sail for Park City, Utah. Kacie B. says it best, “It’s the perfect place to fall in love.” My idiot wife and I got it all wrong. We were nowhere near Park City Utah. We were on the dance floor at the Well on Hertel.

Ben thinks about his relationships IN A HELICOPTER! The girls jump on a stupid plane and act excited to be going to Utah. Ben promises the dates to be “outdoorsy and awesome”. Vocabulary update: My computer has no problems with ‘outdoorsy’. It got behind the velvet rope and into the English language party. It’s a word. Go ahead and use ‘outdoorsy’ in your Words with Friends games.

Rachel gets the first 1-on-1 date. My wife says, “She sounds like a man”. I have Rachel down as one of the more attractive contestants. I like that ‘Kodiak’ voice. Kacie B. has fallen in love pretty fast. She’s crying about not getting a 1-on-1 date and is so upset that she has to stop the interview to lean off camera. It’s super emotional.

Rachel and Ben leave IN THE HELICOPTER AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL, “THEY’RE IN A HELICOPTER”, AND I’M ALL, “OF COURSE THEY’RE IN A HELICOPTER THIS IS THE BACHELOR” AND THEN, ALL TOGETHER, WE’RE ALL LIKE SCREAM!!!!!!!111!!!
Utah looks pretty beautiful. There are a ton of trees. It should have gone higher in the WGR 550 State Draft. To get to know each other more, the couple heads out on a canoe. The 40 trillion bugs flying around them makes for a quaint romantic setting. They make out in the middle of the lake and I’m quite certain there are bugs mating in their larynxes. I wasn’t sure of the plural form of larynx, but my computer did, so we’re covered there. Rachel and Ben talk a lot about how well the date was going and how romantic it is and how nice things are in Utah.

It’s boring. Ben isn’t feeling Rachel. She’s blowing it. She just can’t seem to open up with a guy holding a camera floating along next to her canoe, broadcasting the intimate moments of her personal date with a boyfriend she’s known for 2 days and is sharing with 15 other women. Some women are so closed down its ridiculous.

They keep showing the moon.

Ben and Rachel eat food on T.V. to spice things up. They’re eating, but you never really see much food being consumed. I couldn’t be the Bachelor. I eat like an engineer shoveling coal into a train engine. Ben is begging Rachel to talk more. She tells him that she has a problem talking. It’s a relationship breakthrough. ABC changes the music to let us know that we’re supposed to like Rachel now. Ben gives her a rose. They’re friends now, but they’ll be rubbing abs in a hot tub soon. I can tell these things.

With the rose out of the way, they go out by the fire to eat S’mores and make out, no doubt smearing marshmallow all over each other’s faces.
Back at the hotel the rest of the girls are getting ready for the group date. Courtney, the paid actress, paid to be on the show to stir things up, is already talking up how nasty she’s going to be to the other girls. The other girls are getting mad. It’s dramatic. The kids head out with Ben to go fishing. I keep my fingers crossed, hoping that ABC will make them clean and gut the fish, but I’m sure they’ll have interns to do all of the messy work.

Ben picks them up on a horse and he’s super dreamy. They make him ride the horse across a river. Horse girl makes a noise. Ben says their date is going to be “rad”. I haven’t heard that word in a couple of decades. One of the contestants smartly points out, “Watch out for poo.” I wish someone told me that before I started watching this show.

ABC provides the girls with waders and rods for some fly fishin’. I left off the ‘g’ on purpose. The girls don’t look like they’re trying too hard. Everyone has dropped their fishing poles and they’re holding beer mugs. They’re supposed to be catching their lunch and there’s a chance that they might all starve to death in Utah.

Courtney, the paid actress, takes Ben to be alone and napalm the group date. She catches a fish and Ben holds it up to her face and she kisses it. I can’t believe this passes for contest on a Network television show. It’s brutal. This show is punishment for the time I pushed Tony Wagner off of his bike to impress my brothers.

Then, they all take off the waders and get dolled up to drink by a pool… ‘cause that’s what you do after fishing. Elyse tells Ben that she has a good time because her boss died young. Then, they make out.

Samantha complains to Ben that she doesn’t like group dates. Ben, very frankly, tells her that she’s being punished with group dates and that he doesn’t really like her. He dumps her, mid-cocktail party. I’ve seen a lot of the Bachelor. That’s a first…or a twelth. I don’t know. Who cares? Samantha is drunk and she got dumped. It happens. It doesn’t stop her from crying like she’s at a Dick Vermeil press conference. (Sports quota filled)

After shoving Samantha into a limo, Ben goes back to the rest of the girls and warns them that he’s not messing around. You will be dumped if you complain to me. I like this zero-tolerance attitude.

Ben takes Kacie B. to a hotel room because, why not? They make out on a couch.

Then, they have this exchange:

“I like this.”

“I definitely like this.”

“This is nice.”

“This is perfect.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling good about this.”

“It’s nice.”

No wonder he was mad at Rachel for not opening up.

Courtney, the paid actress, pulls Ben aside to make out and complain about the other girls bringing her down even though she’s purposely acting awful toward them to agitate and instigate. Ben makes it up to her by giving her a rose. This makes all of the other girls super happy. Courtney is evil, but it’s annoying because she’s not a very good actress. She’s very obvious. I get angry at the other girls for falling for her act. I shout at them, “Don’t fall for it! She’s not even interested in Ben! She’s just furthering her career so her agent can get her into more Commercials for Yogurt and Herpes Prescription Medications… and maybe a direct-to-air Lifetime Movie Network movie about a woman who rises above an oppressive male or seductive evil temptress out to destroy her life and marriage… in which case Courtney would play the seductive evil temptress!” and my wife is all, “Stop yelling at the T.V., I can’t hear Kacie B. being mad!”

Jennifer gets the next 1-on-1 date. Courtney says, “I predict, I don’t know if Jennifer will get a rose tonight.” That’s not a prediction, Courtney. Stick to unconvincing acting.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) go hiking and then trespass into Private Property to repel themselves down into a crater. Stop re-reading sentences. Try to keep up.

Jen says, “I don’t repel a lot into craters in Oklahoma.” She must have read my yearbook quote. Ben and Jen (OMG!) strip out of their clothes to repel into the crater. It all makes sense.

The Bachelor once again shows us that you can’t fall in love with someone until you’ve risked your life with them on the end of a nylon rope. They fall into the crater. There’s water on the bottom of the crater and they make out. Jen admits that she’s falling in love with Ben. I yell at the T.V., “Of course they’re falling in love! They just repelled down a crater!” My wife watches the rest of the Bachelor in the other room. I don’t think it’s going to last. We didn’t fall in love in Utah and we never repel down anything.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) eat on T.V. Jen tells Ben about her past relationships and we get to hear all about it. Then it rains, which would be such a drag but this is the Bachelor and its super romantic. They make out. Ben gives Jen a rose and I yell at the T.V., “Of course she gets a rose, they repelled into a crater!” They make out. Then, they go to a Clay Walker concert happening 30-feet away in an amphitheater. At least ABC grabs 100 bodies to also attend the concert so it’s not just 2 people making out in front of Clay Walker. There is the awkward element of these random girls watching them dance and make out.

The cocktail party/Rose Ceremony is next. Alcohol consumption is tripled. There is a lot of complaining about Courtney. Every season, one of the contestants pulls the Bachelor/Bachelorette aside to tell on the person who acts mean to the rest of the contestants. This year, Emily is the tattle tale. She tells Ben that Courtney is evil. Ben says that he sees Courtney being evil and it’s no big deal.
I read into this that Ben knows Courtney is a plant and basically told Emily to relax and ignore Courtney so she doesn’t sabotage her own chances.

Have fun with that last paragraph. I’m not even going to proof-read it. It is what it is. I hate this show.

Courtney finds out about what Emily says and gets angry. Alert! Quote of the century from Courtney, “I’m a nice person. Don’t *bleep* with me. I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. I seriously want to shave her eyebrows off.”
I love that quote so much. It almost makes up for her poor acting and lack of soul.

The girls are sitting on a couch drinking because that’s what you do when you’re on the Bachelor. Courtney kicks things up a notch by confronting Emily about her back-stabbing. It’s dramatic. I’m prepared to see a fight. Courtney is trying to act awful. Emily is trying not to cry. Luckily Ben breaks up the fight by signaling the start of the Rose Ceremony. Emily thinks she’s going home. That’s what you get for trying to chase away a woman paid to be on the show.

Monica is the only girl to not get a rose because Ben already dumped the drunk girl. They play it out by giving Emily the last rose. We all knew Emily wasn’t going anywhere. ABC has gold with future weeks of Courtney and Emily fighting. I'm hoping it gets physical and ABC shows the shirt grabbing and neck biting in slow motion. If you girls out there want to attract more men, fight with other women. Make sure that they’re actressy models.

Ben announces that they’re going to Puerto Rico and the girls scream and then Courtney says, “I was there two weeks ago”.

Next week, Courtney and Emily fight in Puerto Rico. That’s called a tease. I want you to read my recap next week, so I teased what you’ll be reading about. Did it work? Did I tease you? Are you teased?

Attention Canadian Readers: Bachelor sources have informed me that there is a Canadian version of the Bachelor coming soon. They’re plugging it as such: “So Canadians can find true love too!” I’m so happy for Canada, although I worry about the prospects of producers finding nasty Canadian people. I have yet to meet a Canadian with enough venom to stir up a Cocktail party, maybe if special points are given for leaving empty shoe boxes and bags in the Kohl’s parking lot so they don’t have to claim their purchases at Customs. I’m hoping that Canadian Bachelor can be just as good as Canadian Idol and the Canadian Football League.

During the credits, they show footage of Chris Harrison sneaking onto that Private Property lot at night and throwing old tires into the crater. He’s discovered by Park City authorities and arrested and fined.