Bachelor Recap- On a Scale of 1-to-10, I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up

Tonight, our Bachelor Television audience is carried away to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco. This will be so much better than our trip to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben doesn’t mess around. He does everything in multitude; 25 girlfriends and 2 hometowns. Ben probably has a map of the United States in his bedroom with push pins identifying all of his hometowns.

I’m super anxious tonight because ABC is teasing us about Ben’s ex-girlfriend crashing the show and it’s just not fair. I’m trying not to freak out and just relax and watch the show but, it’s hard.

These poor skanks have climbed the morally-bankrupt ladder to get on this trainwreck of a show and pretend like they’re in love with a man they hardly know. You can’t just throw some new chick into the mix just to stir up the pot. This new chick hasn’t earned her stripes.

I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ve got a Bachelor episode to recap.

Ben has a sister and ABC decides it’s a good idea to put her on camera to start the show. Ben says, “She knows me better than anyone on this planet.” Ben would know. Actually, more accurately, Ben’s sister would know. She knows Ben better than anyone on this planet.

Ben talks to his sister about some of the girls that stand out. When describing the horse girl, he makes a horse hoof ‘clomping’ noise. It’s actually pretty good. I’m impressed.

The hookers settle into their hotel room to wait for the date cards and get busy hating each other. It’s a 12 second clip. I wonder about the hours of footage they leave on the cutting room floor, hours and hours of video of these soulless tramps sitting around and making nasty facial expressions. I’m sure I’ll get to watch it all in hell.

Emily the PhD student gets the first 1-on-1 date. She’s cute. Emily is afraid of heights. She mentions, before her date that she’s afraid of heights and how she hopes they aren’t doing anything high up. I guess she’ll be the one climbing the Bay Bridge. You know those Bachelor Producers, if you have a phobia or dead loved one, they’ll milk that drama dry. I’d like to be a contestant on the Bachelor and tell them how afraid I am of getting free tickets to Pittsburgh Pirate games.

Emily finds out that she has to climb a bridge and she freaks out. “Some people have nightmares about spiders. Some people have nightmares about being murdered. I have nightmares about falling off of very high things.”Ben and Emily begin their ascension up the cables of a 6,000 foot bridge. It’s a great way to get to know someone. My parents have been married for 51 years. I keep telling them that they’ll never make it to 52 if they don’t climb a bridge together. They’re idiots. I’m doomed to be a product of a broken home.

The girls back at the hotel room have a telescope. In an amazing stroke of luck, they point the telescope right on Ben and Emily climbing the bridge. The odds of this happening were probably improved by Bachelor producers planting the telescope there and telling the girls exactly what time to look through it and where to point.

Back on the bridge, Emily freaks out because she’s afraid, so Ben makes out with her. Emily is no longer afraid of heights and draws a metaphor between heights and relationships. It all makes sense now. Love is like a 6,000 (estimated) foot climb up the cables of a bridge. It’s scary and any misstep could lead to a big fall.

If Emily slipped and fell into the Bay, would Ben have been required to give her a ceremonial rose? It would suck to be a girl that gets sent home over a dead girl. Luckily, Emily survived.

Then, they eat food on T.V.

Ben gives Emily a rose. He tells her that she gets the rose because she climbed a bridge and is smart. Then, they make out. Then, ABC brings out the fireworks….fireworks. The fireworks are blown off from a barge on the Bay. I’m assuming there is a guy with a walkie- talkie that watches Ben and Emily make out and then buzzes down to the barge to cue the fireworks.

If Emily blew it and didn’t get a rose, would they just waste the fireworks? I need to know these things.

The group date is next. Ben takes 38 girls snow-skiing. They all drive there in a car commercial. The girls make sure they say the name brand of the car and point out some cool features. I feel dirty. ABC borrows that liquid nitrogen machine from that ice cream place in the mall and freezes a portion of San Francisco. Ben says it was his life-long dream to freeze a portion of San Francisco. I know I make a lot of stuff up, but Ben really says that. Everyone takes off their clothes and they put on skis. I don’t know how one acquires the insight and clairvoyance to pack a bathing suit and hockey socks for a ski trip in downtown San Francisco, but these girls have proven their mettle.

They cap the night off by drinking at some place with a bunch of lanterns. You know the place. Ben is a perfect gentleman and makes out with each and every one of the girls at the party. He doesn’t even wait for them to finish talking. They’ll be mid-sentence and he just dives in for the kill.

Kacie B. seems really drunk. She spells her name K-A-C-I-E. I’m surprised she doesn’t spell ‘B’ wrong.

Grandma girl gets the other 1-on-1 date. After she gets the news, she cries and leaves the show. She says her heart wasn’t in it. I think it’s because she was afraid ABC was going to make her fight a mountain lion and she has a mountain lion phobia.

Grandma girl crashes the group-date cocktail hour to cry and tell Ben that she’s leaving. Ben takes it well by not reacting at all. The whole thing is fishy. Grandma girl leaves. Ben’s ex-girlfriend is coming back.

It’s a bit too convenient. Did ABC scramble to fill the Grandma girl void, or was Grandma girl a plant all along to set up the ex-girlfriend plot? As the cop with the moustache said in the movie ‘The Fugitive’, “Hinky”.

When we come back from commercial, we get to see Ben shaving. If you’re not watching the show, you need to know that they show people shaving.

Because Grandma girl gave up the 1-on-1, they give it to Horse girl. Horse girl has really long legs and her real name is ‘Lindzi’. They hit up the night life, eat ice cream, and ride the trolley. Horse Girl and Ben unlock San Francisco City Hall. Horse girl remarks how amazing Ben is for having a key to the San Francisco City Hall. I get mad that I never met girls this stupid when I was …sniff... a Bachelor. Horse girl says the word ‘magical’ a thousand times and is already in love with Ben.

They head inside City Hall for a private concert from Matt Nathanson. So, for all of the hard work Matt Nathanson and his band have done, they get to play for two people who make out through the entire performance. When they’re done making out in front of Matt Nathanson, they make out in a Piano store. Ben’s tongue must be exhausted.

Horse Girl is always smiling and she nods a lot. I feel like you could read her the ingredients of ketchup and she’d nod the whole time and then tell you how magical ketchup is.

Then, they go to a bar to make ou… is this is boring to read as it is to write? I feel like I’m torturing you people. You’re nice enough to read my recap, and all I can give you is drivel.

Horse girl’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her by sending her a text of a Homer Simpson quote. I’m sure Horse Girl read the text while nodding her head and then told the person next to her how magical texting is.

The pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party comes next. ABC makes sure we know that some girl is coming onto the show to stir bleep up. Ben makes out with Jennifer. She declares she’s falling in love with the guy she’s known for 3 minutes. To be fair, she has kissed him twice.

The paid actress, Courtney, gets 5 minutes of face time to say awful things about the girls to make sure there’s plenty of drama to go around. Emily thinks she has a personality problem. Emily has a PhD, but hasn’t figured out that the Bachelor is scripted. Courtney and Ben get a moment alone to make out. She may be a fake contestant, but that doesn’t mean Ben doesn’t get to make out with her. I’m not sure there are many girls left in Ben’s hometown of San Francisco that Ben hasn’t made out with tonight.

The party-crasher girl who comes on the show to wreck things is Shawntel. Shawntel is the funeral director girl who was a contestant on the Bachelor a year ago. I was a big fan of hers… but this little stunt is embarrassing, even by Bachelor standards.

Apparently, Shawntel and Ben have made out in the past and she wants to marry him. Ben is surprised to see her. The rest of the girls want to stab her with an ice pick and throw her off of the Bay Bridge. Ben and Shawntel sit on a couch to talk while the rest of the girls circle around and swear. Shawntel wants in on the Rose Ceremony. She leaves it up to Ben to decide.

Ben needs to think it over and has Shawntel stand alone in the room with his girlfriends to explain things. Shawntel says that she called up Chris Harrison to get onto Ben’s season. I love how much credit is given to Chris Harrison, like he’s the Nick Saban of the Bachelor and decides who comes and goes. (That’s 2 straight recaps that mention Nick Saban, by the way. I’m excellent at this.) Chris Harrison chats with Bachelors and lets everyone know when there’s 1 rose left. That’s all he does.

Anyways, Ben’s girlfriends are super pissed and yell at Shawntel. They’re all extra drunk, by design. Uggghh, the grouper-woman seems most pissed. She looks like a grouper. Courtney, the actress, is not a very good actress. She acts like she’s pissed and pretends to cry but it is not convincing. She’s not even drunk.

Ben decides Shawntel can stay for the Rose Ceremony. The girls who threatened to leave the show if Shawntel is allowed to stay for the Rose Ceremony have their bluff called and do not leave, including the paid actress who refers to Shawntel as ‘Whats-her-butt’.

For the record, Shawntel is super hot.

My wife points out how drunk Samantha is. She can’t even stand up straight through the Cocktail party and rose ceremony.

Usually, during the Rose Ceremony, the girls look at the Bachelor and plead with their eyes to be allowed to stay. For this ceremony, everyone is just looking at Shawntel with hate. There is a ton of crying and skillful mascara make-up finger wipes.

”On a scale of 1-to-10, I think I’m gonna throw up.”- quote of the night from Ugghh the grouper.

1-by-1 Ben hands out roses while building up the drama as to whether or not Shawntel gets to stay.

They drag out the final rose so Erika can pass out. It’s a weird sequence. Erika is kind of fading while they’re handing out roses. Chris Harrison makes his announcement on the final rose. Ben pauses the game to say a few words. It’s almost like he’s stalling and looking at Erika to pass out. Erika doesn’t even totally pass out. She kind of falls to one knee and says she’s gonna pass out, but she doesn’t pass out. She kind of just Tebows. My computer doesn’t recognize ‘Tebowing’ as a word yet. How 2011 of it.

The Rose Ceremony resumes after they give Erika some water. Ben finishes his speech and decides to give the rose to no one. Erika passes out again. They just put these poor girls through so much; truckloads of alcohol, paid actresses, Matt Nathanson concerts and, now, fake contestants.

So, Erika, Ugghhh and Shawntel are sent home.

Ben now has 3 less women to make out with; 4 if you count Shawntel. I would have definitely made out with Shawntel on her way out. At this point, what standards are you upholding? So what if you dumped her, make out with her. I would use my Bachelor powers to bring back Shawntel each week to make out. I want her to exhume my corpse. That’s a metaphor.

Erika makes it another 2 minutes without passing out but they don’t let her cry into the camera with a farewell speech. They don’t let Ugghhh cry into the camera either. I’m grateful. She’s hideous. I’ve had wounds scab over and still look better than her.

Ben announces that they’re all going to Park City Utah and the girls all scream like they’ve just been told they’re going somewhere they’ve heard of.

As the credits roll, they show Erika showing Ben the tattoo inside of her lip. It says ‘Amore’. She’ll never find Amore on the inside of her lip. That’s a metaphor.

The promo for next week’s show tells us that the entire cast of ABC’s hit show Castle will crash the next Rose Ceremony to ask Ben to marry them. It looks super dramatic. I don’t think I can take it.
I hate this show.