Bachelor Recap- Showing Your Chest to Children

This week’s episode of the Bachelor takes us to Ben Groban’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben’s hometown is Sonoma. The Bachelor, Ben, is from Sonoma. They go to Sonoma, the hometown of Ben… which happens to be… Sonoma.

Episode 2 of the season is important. The girls are still naïve to the game and might still get drunk enough to do something horrifically embarrassing. Many of them will panic and pretend like they’re starting to like Ben. The word ‘connection’ will be thrown around. Ben will stand in a field with immaculate natural lighting to think about his 15 girlfriends and his family. It’s intense.

A soundbite by Ben teases that, “I had no idea that things had gotten this bad, this early.”

I did, Ben. I did.

The girls take a plane to Sonoma, not a helicopter. (Hashtag RipOff!) Ben hops in a jeep and drives by grapevines while talking about his dead father.
“Ben looks amazing in his dressed-down, Sonomafied version of himself.” Remarks a member of his harem.

My idiot computer underlined ‘Sonomafied’ in a red squiggly line, trying to tell me it’s not a word. What a bunch of idiots at Hewlitt Packard.

Casey B. gets the first date. My wife drops a bomb by declaring, “I like her. I think they make a good couple.” That sound you hear is Las Vegas scrambling to adjust their odds. Casey B. has a southern accent. Points. Southern accents might be more important with women than they are with Football G.M.’s.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time.” Casey B. is swinging for the fences.

They go to the Dollar Store and buy a baton. On another channel, LSU is playing Alabama for the College Football National Championship. After twirling a baton, Casey talks about how well their date is going. Then, they eat on T.V.

Ben talks about how in love his parents were because they fought all of the time. Ben gives Casey a rose after getting way too emotional about their first 38 minutes together. If he weren’t the Bachelor and they weren’t on T.V., this smokin’ hot girl would be scared off and texting ‘PSYCHO’ to her friends. Instead, it’s cute.

Ben and Casey B. head to a theatre to watch reels of their family videos that were surrendered to the network for sentimental value. Casey is doing gymnastics. I’m sure some poor intern had to suffer through 17 hours of that nightmare footage to get the 12 seconds they used on the final product. There are some quality shots of Ben and his blurred out penis standing on a picnic table. They show Ben’s Dad. Ben’s Dad had died so it’s emotional. Everyone cries. (Yes, I’m everyone.) Then, with the memory of his dead Dad fresh on his mind, they make out in the street.

Casey breaks a Bachelor record by declaring that she’s in love with the Bachelor JUST 1.2 EPISODES IN!!!!!!!!!

The next day, Ben dates a dozen women in Sonoma. They’re in Sonoma. Sonoma. The skanks put on chestless upperwear and their best heels to perform a play in some vineyard or something. ABC brought in a bunch of kids to write Fairytales. The girls have to audition to play the parts. It’s super cute and hilarious guys! I see a bunch of kids, a lot of cleavage and zero parents around.

Back at the mansion, Courtney, a paid actress… paid to be on the show, fulfills her contractual duties by acting awful and stirring things up.

One of the commercials was for that whale movie. Do you guys think that the whales live?

When their done auditioning and the roles are cast, the girls are forced to perform the kids’ play in front of a bunch of people from Sonoma. No one told them that they’d have to perform the play in front of people. Now, it’s all sorts of pressure packed.

The play is half-assed and Ben ends up taking off all of his clothes in front of families and children. This really happened. Then, they all went to a pool to get drunk and take turns making out.

They kept the kids out of the pool party for some reason. It kind of sucks. These kids labor over writing this play and then they aren’t even invited to the after-party.

There are some key moments during the cocktail hour. Blakely, a toothy VIP cocktail waitress, emerges as a villain this episode. The other 40 girls on the date make it clear to the camera that they don’t like her. She has bosoms and she wears earrings that look like those desk toys in psychiatrists’ office that clack back and forth. A bunch of the girls, some ugly, head to a handicap bathroom stall to talk about how much they hate Blakely. I kept hoping a handicapped person would come in to use the bathroom to break up the gaggle.

Back at the mansion, Courtney gets a 1-on-1 date card and rubs it in the other girls’ faces. They get mad, which is good because it’s Courtney’s job to make them mad. It wouldn’t be much of a planned production if the girl that Producers paid to make people angry didn’t make people angry. As it stands, they’re angry so she’s doing her job well.

I know I jump around a lot, but we’re back at the drunken pool party. Ben has his shirt off and he takes the one with red hair to a different pool to be alone. I’d like to paraphrase their conversation if you’ll allow it:
“I’m having such a great time.”
“Me too.”
“I love it here.”
“I love it here too.”
“This place is really awesome.”
“I’m so glad you could be here.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
Then, they make out. Then, Ben makes out with that girl Blakely with the boobs and the teeth while the girl with the red hair watches. It’s awkward… even by Bachelor standards.

There’s some more drinking and a little crying. Ben gives Blakely the group date rose and the rest of the girls think a lot about stabbing her with their heels. The redhead cries to the camera.

I’m sure a bunch of them adjourned to the handicapped stall again, but the Producers must have decided that they had enough footage of that.

The episode is flying by. The next day (Maybe Wednesday? Who knows?) Ben brings his dog ‘Scotchie’ on his 1-on-1 date with Courtney. I hope I spelled Scotchie’s name correctly. You never know on this show. ABC did not provide us with Scotchie’s name, age and occupation. He’s probably a VIP cocktail waitress. The three lovers drive Ben’s jeep to the middle of nowhere.

ABC blurs out Ben’s license plate so women don’t scour California looking for his jeep.

Ben walks into a forest and makes his dog howl and Courtney remarks how much she can see herself with him. I resolve to read more books. It’s 2 solid minutes of Ben howling to his dog. On any other platform, a girl as attractive and spoiled as Courtney doesn’t even say goodbye before walking away. On the Bachelor, you can howl at your dog for 2 minutes and its adorable.

They talk for 4 minutes about how magical a day they’re having. Then they make out. Then, they drive a tractor around in the dark. Then, they eat on T.V.

Courtney is a magnificent actress. She nods at all of the perfect times when Ben talks about his dead Dad. She even holds a look of concern on her face. Courtney has all of the warmth and sincerity of a Math book. Every time she talks, in my mind, I can see her screaming at people. She has definitely thrown dishes at walls. There is no way she is a good person. She’s like Nick Saban. (I flipped over to the game during a commercial break and Nick Saban was up by 6 points. I’m so happy for him.)

Courtney, of course, gets a rose at the end of her 1-on-1 date. There isn’t much suspense when a girl is paid to be on the show and Ben is told to advance her to a certain point so she can make the show more interesting by acting unworldly awful to the other girls.

The Rose Ceremony comes next. Chris Harrison got a haircut. I wonder if he practices tapping on a Champaign glass at home to perfect the art. The girls spend some time to drink alcohol before two of them are sent home.

They act excited to see Ben and then sit on couches to complain about each other. Blakely scores extra 'hate' points by interrupting conversations to steal more time with Ben EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE!

I don’t want to spend all of my space here commenting on earrings, but Blakely is wearing those squid-like machine creatures from the Matrix on her lobes. I kept waiting for Morpheus to pop the E.M.P. to kill her earrings.

More important than deciding a winner for this Gameshow might be deciding who will be more hated in the end, Courtney or Blakely. Courtney is wickedly evil, but Blakely manages to be evil without reading from a script. The music they play when Blakely talks is hilarious. It’s classic ‘Bad Guy’ music.

Jenna the crazy blogger finally gets a moment with Ben. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Jenna is not plastered like the first night, but she is nervous and out of her mind. She basically tells Ben that she’s a guy and that she’s not a good girl. In the middle of this tire fire, she’s interrupted by the ugliest girl at the party. I don’t even know the girls name. I call her ‘Uggghhh’ because that’s the sound I make when I see her. She looks like a Grouper.

Jenna goes into one of the bedrooms to lie on a bed and cry. Blakely goes into a room with a bunch of luggage and hides in a corner. Ben is told by Producers to find them.

He gets Blakely from her luggage room. I’m not sure what she’s doing hiding in the corner. I think we’re led to believe that she’s crying because the girls hate her, but she’s not crying. Her eyes are bone dry, there are no ‘Bachelor’ boogers and her make-up isn’t runny. She just needed some more attention.

The most important moment of the show comes when Ben goes into the bedroom to find out why Jenna the blogger is crying. The alarm clock next to the bed says 2:05 a.m. I’ve always wondered how late these Rose Ceremonies run. This is a fantastic revelation. They feed these girls a truckload of alcohol and then keep them awake until 2 in the morning to make sure that there’s as much blood loss as possible.

OSHA needs to step in and do something about this.

Ben finally hands out 13 roses to complete a magical evening. We’re reminded of a bunch of girls ABC has ignored to this point; Grandma girl, a couple of blonde chics I didn’t recognize, the nurse my wife liked on night 1.

Nurse did not get a rose. Neither did Jenna the blogger. Uggghhh did. I made the ‘Uggghhh’ noise.
While nurse chic exited with class, Jenna fires a scattergun into her final time in front of the camera. She does a lot of crying about being lonely and does that thing where she hugs herself. I look over the buttons on my remote control. It’s uncomfortable. She’s not going to like watching that one back. Maybe she’ll blog about it.

We’ve lost two, but there’s still plenty of Bachelor babes left. They tease that they’re taking the party to San Francisco, Ben’s hometown. I thought Sonoma was his hometown? I’ve learned nothing. Also, police accidentally fire shots into the Bachelor mansion and a couple of the girls get hit.