On My Own For Dinner

I don't think my wife heard me drop the phone and do a back flip while fist-pumping when she told me I was on my own for dinner this Monday.

Little does she know, I'd rather be 'on my own' for dinner than 'on a plane' to Vegas. I love being on my own for dinner.

Being on my own for dinner means that I don't have to eat Kale or Water Chestnuts.

On the rare occasion that my wife gets home from work 2 hours later than me, I hold a comprehensive orgy of animal fat and alcohol. Remember how the Titanic broke in half while sinking and water poured into the vessel, dragging it into the bottom of the ocean? That's what I do with food when my wife gets home late.

I start with Nutty Bars purchased in the office vending machine. Then, I get Mighty Pack on my way home. I usually eat the first taco out of the Drive-Thru girl's hand as she is passing it into my car. Then I drive 4 miles without ever once looking out the windshield. I'm busy scooping soft shelled tacos from the passenger seat into my throat. Shredded lettuce covers the driver's seat like Ticker-Tape in the street on New Year's Eve.

As soon as I get home I drink a beer. I spend 35 minutes in the front window, drinking beer and hoping that she doesn't pull into the driveway. Drinking beer quickly usually makes me hungry, so I find my stash of Chip-A-Hoys in the garage and go to town.

I hide food.

I have to hide food because, if I don't hide food, the tastiest thing in my house I would get to eat would be 98% lean hamburger. I dip Chip-A-Hoys in milk and quickly eat them while looking out the window, like a squirrel.

By the way, drinking milk shortly after drinking beer sucks. It's not ideal, but that's the process. Please don't question the process. In fact, no more questions at all. You're making me lose my train of thought.

I love Chip-A-Hoys and will never stop eating Chip-A-Hoys no matter how much my wife tries to turn me into a waif of air that only consumes pollen.

If Jessica Alba came to my front door and told me that her body temperature was dropping and she needed me to put down my Chip-A-Hoy and hug her naked body with my naked body to keep her alive, I would. I don't like Chip-A-Hoy's that much. I'm not going to let Jessica Alba die because I'm eating a cookie. Please be clear though, I really enjoy eating Chip-A-Hoys.

When I'm done with the Mighty Taco, the beer, the Chip-A-Hoys and the milk, I find stray deer in the woods and run them down. Once I've captured a deer, I smother it in Tequila, Bar-B-Que and Magic Shell Chocolate and then I deep fry it and consume it whole.

Then I drink some Peppermint Tea because it's really good for soothing your stomach.

There are so many commas in this blog.