This world is full of egregious injustices; the cost of fountain pop at movie theatres, blacked out Pittsburgh Pirate games in Buffalo, Blues Brothers 2000. No criminal enterprise can top ABC and the punishing 3 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE THEY ROLLED OUT MONDAY NIGHT!
3 hours is a prison sentence. My brother Donny was grounded for less than 3 hours when shot a cap gun at our Chihuahua until it jumped off of the top porch of our South Buffalo home. (Editor’s note: the dog survived without a scrape and lived an additional 14 years.) Why is ABC doing this to me? I didn’t shoot a dog. I’m a good person.
Nonetheless, ABC hates me and rolled out a 3-hour botox-fest Monday night. I promised my readers that I would not watch the Bachelor Pad and certainly would not recap the Bachelor Pad. My wife worked super late Monday night so the Bachelor Pad wasn’t even on in the house. I could have done anything. I could have watched Baseball or put on giant pants and gone shoplifting. Instead, I watch the Bachelor Pad and am now recapping it.
It’s quite clear, at this point, that I enjoy doing this.
For those who are new to the Bachelor Pad, leave. For those of you still here, the Bachelor Pad is a completely unoriginal game show, featuring former contestants of ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’. Very much like ‘Survivor’, they play games and contestants connive and deceive to avoid being voted out of the house. I should correct one part in my last sentence. It’s not “very much” like ‘Survivor’. It’s “exactly” like ‘Survivor’.
The last person remaining gets $250,000 and a scorching Venereal disease.
The cast of the Bachelor Pad can best be described as ‘Pond Scum’. With 3 hours, ABC has plenty of time to shape the drama of the upcoming season. They start by introducing the cast. Here are most of the Hoochies:
Rated R- the completely unintimidating Canadian Wrestler.
Jackie- Former attractive contestant during Brad’s season. She was dumped in Costa Rica. There are worse places to be dumped.
Michelle Money- the biggest whore since Gomorra.
Gia- Insanley hot/stupid woman.
Vienna- inside and out, the ugliest woman on planet Earth. And, that’s only because I haven’t been to other planets.
Casey Mumbles- dating Vienna. I need to learn a new language to double the words I can use to describe how hilarious this is.
Nice Guy- from the season that ended hours ago. He made Ashley cry during a Roast so I don’t hate him yet.
Bean Bag Face- I really like Bean Bag Face and am sad that he went on Bachelor Pad. I doubt that there will be poems about Magnolia trees coming out of his Bean-Bag face during this train wreck.
Erica- I don’t remember her. She’s apparently, a princess. She’s trying hard to be hated but I just feel sorry for her. She’s incredibly ugly and plastic and she couldn’t finish a crossword puzzle with the answers.
Graham- I think he plays basketball. He was on Diana’s season. Diana is awful too. There are just so many truly horrible people from this franchise.
Ella- Nice girl. Don’t hate her yet. Luckily, this show is 3 hours long so there’s time.
Holly- Was engaged to Michael, also on this season of the Bachelor Pad. Hello drama!
First commercial break previews an upcoming ABC venture called ‘THE CHEW’?! From what I could gather before my brain shut down, it’s like ‘The View’ but they’re eating. I think they’re running out of coke in California.
We’re back to the Bachelor Pad action. The season is young but, already, no one is going to top Michelle Money’s quote- “Being here now is blowing my mind, literally.” I need to go back to High School to make that my yearbook quote.
The party starts with the cast of tasties getting out of their limo to congregate and be awful. Vienna is upset because Jake’s here and he verbally abused her during their 2-week engagement. Casey has been dating Vienna and has also been doing push-ups, so he wants to beat up Jake. Gia hates Vienna because Gia fell in love with Country music guy Wes… and Vienna dated him for a while. Michael and Holly were engaged so they’ll cry every week when their former fiancés rub abs with strangers.
So far so good? There are only 2 and a half hours left.
Vienna looks even worse with short hair. I wouldn't have thought you could slam her in the face with a rake and she would look worse, but I guess that anything is possible. Kevin Garnett was right.
When bringing up the time Vienna and Jake broke off their engagement on National TV, Chris Harrison says to Vienna, “Just between you and me, that was a terrible night.” I’m pretty sure that is just between Chris, Vienna and the millions of people watching.
Casey Mumbles' opening limo interview with Chris Harrison is a 10-out-of-10 on the comedy scale. I can never understand a word he says. Harrison just interrupts him and says, “Hey good luck.”
Rated G hates Casey because they had friction during their season. I should remind readers that Casey Mumbles got a tattoo on his wrist for Ali Fedotowsky 20 minutes before being dumped in Europe.
Holly has immediately fallen in love with Blake because he’s cute and… we have a new quote leader already... “He uses really big words like dysfunctional”. I never thought that Michelle Money’s ‘literal’ quote would be topped but it took 17 minutes. This show is record-breaking.
Former Bachelor extraordinaire Jake shows up in the limo and ABC gives him his own uber-dramatic music. They’re acting like the audience is going to be surprised when he steps out, but they’ve been plugging his infuriating television comeback for weeks.
Jake has all of the charm and charisma of a hornet’s nest. He’s talking a big game about how he’s going to clean up on this season. Normally, I wouldn’t give a person this awful much of a chance on a show that was basically a popularity contest but, everyone is awful so he might just be normal.
My chest is beginning to hurt so I’m going to skip a little bit.
I pick things up at the half way point and Casey Mumbles and Vienna are hanging out by the pool and talking about their relationship. I can’t understand Vienna because she’s crying. I can’t understand Casey because someone stuffed a wash cloth into his mouth when he was 7 and no one has retrieved it yet.
Jake and Jackie go on a date. I’m angry because I thought there’d be more pie eating. While they’re on their date, people get in groups at the Bachelor mansion and plot strategy. It’s hilarious watching these mental juggernauts do math.
Jake and Jackie are walking out in public. Some little girl is bawling her eyes out because she’s in love with Jake. He stops and talks to her to show what a nice guy he really is. As soon as the camera turns away, he beats her.
They eat dinner on the roof of a theatre or something. I already can’t stand how much talking there is on this show. Jake gets a rose somehow. I wasn’t paying attention. I guess he’s immune to going home. There is no way that wasn’t planned by the producers.
The next day, Jake apologizes to Vienna for their failed engagement. He gives Vienna his rose. She goes into the other room to make out with Casey Mumbles, followed by night-vision footage of them having sex in the mansion.
I’m exhausted.
ABC holds a cocktail party so bad people can stab each other in the back before getting voted out of the house. I am unable to follow the fake drama. There is just so much talking.
Jake and Jackie are immune. I’m confused.
13 other people get to stay. Rated G and Ally are sent home. I’m happy because I still get to look at Gia. I’m sad because I still have to hear her talk. Rated G steals Jake’s rose and runs into the limo.
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