ABC takes their foot off of the gas a bit to give us all a break. Bachelor Pad is only 2 hours this week.
Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.
Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.
Jake takes a lot of time to explain that he’s not a jerk. (He’s been doing that for years.)
There’s a lot going on here, people. Try to keep up.
There’s a lot going on here, people. Try to keep up.
We start off the week with a challenge; ‘Target on your Back’.
Half the group wears blindfolds while the other half throws eggs at them. This show tears down all boundaries.
Everyone wants to win because, if they don’t, they’re on the chopping block. I forgot how much the phrase ‘chopping block’ was used. I’ll bet butchers hate Bachelor Pad.
Everyone wants to win because, if they don’t, they’re on the chopping block. I forgot how much the phrase ‘chopping block’ was used. I’ll bet butchers hate Bachelor Pad.
Casey is wearing a T-shirt this week with ‘Jenious’ written on it.
Chris Harrison directs where the paint-filled eggs will be thrown by asking random dumb questions like, “Who do you think is the least attractive?” and “Who do you want to leave?” No one throws eggs at Chris Harrison. It doesn’t really matter who you hit with the egg, as long as you hit someone. The game is as stupid as Casey Mumbles. Mellisa wins and has immunity.
Princess woman is hideous.
When it’s the guys turn to throw, everyone threw eggs at her. This show is stupid, but it was fun to watch this hideous woman get pegged with eggs for 15 minutes. She just stood there, blindfolded, feeling exactly how she’s made everyone she’s ever met feel her entire life. She’s even being awful to people while explaining how terrible she felt while being singled out for being awful.
(Editor’s Note: Greg doesn’t know any other words aside from ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ but, to be fair, these are the only two words you really need to describe these people.)
Michael, the break dancer guy, won the immunity rose for the men. He and Melissa bring a bunch of people on a date and I feel stupider for each word of this recap I type.
For the group date, ABC sends our diseased friends to a haunted house. Michael says it best, “It’s the scariest date in Bachelor history”. Michael, Hideous Princess, Michelle Money and Holly are heading to spookyville. Remember readers, MICHAEL AND HOLLY USED TO BE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!!!!111!!!1ELEVENTY
I should note that it’s very hard for Michelle Money to be in a room full of people and not be the most awful person, but this is the case when the ugly princess is around.
Princess woman is hideous.
When it’s the guys turn to throw, everyone threw eggs at her. This show is stupid, but it was fun to watch this hideous woman get pegged with eggs for 15 minutes. She just stood there, blindfolded, feeling exactly how she’s made everyone she’s ever met feel her entire life. She’s even being awful to people while explaining how terrible she felt while being singled out for being awful.
(Editor’s Note: Greg doesn’t know any other words aside from ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ but, to be fair, these are the only two words you really need to describe these people.)
Michael, the break dancer guy, won the immunity rose for the men. He and Melissa bring a bunch of people on a date and I feel stupider for each word of this recap I type.
For the group date, ABC sends our diseased friends to a haunted house. Michael says it best, “It’s the scariest date in Bachelor history”. Michael, Hideous Princess, Michelle Money and Holly are heading to spookyville. Remember readers, MICHAEL AND HOLLY USED TO BE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!!!!111!!!1ELEVENTY
I should note that it’s very hard for Michelle Money to be in a room full of people and not be the most awful person, but this is the case when the ugly princess is around.
“Abandoned asylums and hospitals are my least favorite places”, Michael says to set the mood for stupidity. ABC busts out the night vision goggles to give us that annoying ‘Blair Witch’ sensation. Of course, these broads are wearing 4 inch heels while marching through the haunted halls of Vanerbloom mansion.
Michelle Money and Holly talk about relationships. I check out mentally for a while. When I rejoin the program, Michelle Money and Michael are talking about relationships. I cry a little. Michael gives the rose to Holly BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!11111!!!
They spend some extra time on the roof of the haunted mansion because it’s super romantic. There’s a lot of talking. Michael admits that he’s still in love with Holly and starts crying. And, when he starts crying, Holly starts crying and when Holly starts crying, I start crying and now everyone is crying. The Bachelor Pad makes me feel so smart. When I’m watching the Bachelor Pad, I’m a Mechanical Engineer.
I drifted off again and Michael and Holly are still talking and crying. I’ve had meals that ended quicker than this scene. I’m suddenly watching one of the Twilight movies. Holy cow, I’m typing and he’s still crying. Michael is like Dick Vermeil. If you’re reading this and don’t get that reference, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!
We’re back from a break and Bean Bag Face and Jackie are making out. If you’re reading this and don’t know who Bean Bag Face is, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!
Melissa’s date is next. She takes Casey Mumbles, Blake the Dentist and Kirk or Kurt, I can’t remember. It’s a K-name. I like Melissa. She probably throws things out of her window while she drives, but she comes across as nice on TV. They go out on a boat and jump into the ocean. There’s not much more I can embellish about the date. That’s what they do.
Back at the house, Jake has realized that everyone hates him so he’s going to ask Vienna to help him survive the Bachelor Pad. If you could only hear the music ABC plays while Jake is walking up to ask Vienna for help. It’s the kind of music you would hear if someone was stealing the Mona Lisa.
They take a break and then replay the same 4 minutes again of Jake asking Vienna to go outside. Vienna says, “No”. Then, the women of the house are left to debate what the rest of America is debating, “Who is the bad one, Vienna or Jake?” The answer, America, is ‘both’.
We’re back on the boat and Blake the Dentist and Melissa are making out. Blake doesn’t like Melissa, but he wants to win a quarter of a million dollars. Blake admits to the camera that he’s a whore. My wife cries out, “You’re a jerk too!” Bachelor Pad Producers, you’ve done your homework!
The smooching worked. Melissa gives Blake a rose, even after promising it to Casey Mumbles. I’m just as shocked as you. I wasn’t even going to write a recap tonight, but I was so outraged by what Melissa did to Casey Mumbles.
Melissa and Blake make out a little more before the commercial.
When we get back from the break, Blake is caught hanging out with Holly while Melissa walks in, expecting more lovin’ from the dentist. Holy Love Triangle! Melissa is obviously hurt, but she can’t do anything about it. She already gave Blake a rose. Now, Melissa is bawling and I remember how crazy she is. Everyone is crazy and crying. I have a headache.
“She’s on this island of serenity, and I just want to get on a rowboat and row out to this island, but I can’t because this typhoon of Melissa keeps knocking me over.”- quote by Blake about Holly.
“The way to win this game is to take out the Power Couples!” – words of wisdom from Gia about Bachelor Pad. It’s like Vince Lombardi was reincarnated into a hot, dumb broad.
Gia and some dude plot to break up Casey Mumbles and Vienna and send them home. I wish you guys could see Bulldog’s face while he reads these recaps. Don’t worry. He doesn’t read down this far, so I’m safe mentioning it.
We’re back from commercial and it’s almost over. It’s the elimination ceremony. Jake tries again to talk to Vienna and she accepts that invitation. Casey Mumbles is there for the begging session. The freak-show couple just yells at Jake and, in so many words, they tell him that they won’t be helping him stay on the Bachelor Pad. It’s an annoying exchange of words. The music, again, makes it seem like it’s the most important thing that has ever happened.
Casey Mumbles and Vienna make out some more. It’s as sexually enticing as watching armadillos mate, not that I watch armadillos mate… much.
Chris Harrison earns his keep with a group interview to “get the vibe in the house”.
Vienna yells at Chris Harrison and ABC for making her see Jake again. Harrison tells her that, if she doesn’t like it, she should get in a cab and go home.
Then he tells the group that no men are going home, only two women. It’s jaw-droppingly ohmygoodnessly amazingly shocking!
Vienna freaks out and threatens to go home. She’s uglier than sin, by the way. Vienna doesn’t go home, so it’ll come down to a vote.
Casey Mumbles talks to Gia and I don’t understand a word he says. Luckily, Gia speaks ‘Mumble’ and gets really upset. Gia threatens to walk off of the show. Then, they run over to a group of people and there’s shouting, and I can’t understand any of it.
Gia goes to pack her bags. She’s an underwear model, but there isn’t an underwear model in this world hot enough to make me want to put up with that much stupidity.
Chris Harrison stops Gia at the gate to make sure she’s ready to throw her chances at the cash away. She’s ready. Bye-bye, Gia. You’re hot and dumb.
With Gia’s departure, only one person is sent home at the end. It’s Jackie I gasped. Bean Bag Face and Jackie are in love. Now, they’ll be torn apart. But, Bean Bag Face is so super-romantic that he leaves the show and runs off to the limo as Jackie is driving away. I love Bean Bag Face.
Ella puts it best, “They’re gonna make babies and I’m going to love it!”
Then, Bean Bag Face puts it even better, “I think we just won Bachelor Pad 2.”
You said it, Bean Bag Face. You said it.
(Side Note: I would like to say that this show is fixed if a plastic, horrible woman who everyone threw eggs at for being horrible is not given one cast-off vote. Everyone threw their eggs at the Princess witch when Chris Harrison asked who should be sent home. Then, 3 hours later, there isn't one word mentioned about her being voted off.)
As the group turns away from the limo, transporting Jackie and Bean Bag Face to the nearest Magnolia tree, the camera turns to the Princess-witch who is feeding straight from a live Golden Retriever puppy’s neck. The blood sprays everywhere. The Bachelor Pad crew tries to rip the puppy from her hands but she holds it above her head and screams out something in Latin. The ground around her feet starts on fire. She devours the puppy whole while cackling laughter. I’m glad I stayed up to watch the end.
Michelle Money and Holly talk about relationships. I check out mentally for a while. When I rejoin the program, Michelle Money and Michael are talking about relationships. I cry a little. Michael gives the rose to Holly BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!11111!!!
They spend some extra time on the roof of the haunted mansion because it’s super romantic. There’s a lot of talking. Michael admits that he’s still in love with Holly and starts crying. And, when he starts crying, Holly starts crying and when Holly starts crying, I start crying and now everyone is crying. The Bachelor Pad makes me feel so smart. When I’m watching the Bachelor Pad, I’m a Mechanical Engineer.
I drifted off again and Michael and Holly are still talking and crying. I’ve had meals that ended quicker than this scene. I’m suddenly watching one of the Twilight movies. Holy cow, I’m typing and he’s still crying. Michael is like Dick Vermeil. If you’re reading this and don’t get that reference, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!
We’re back from a break and Bean Bag Face and Jackie are making out. If you’re reading this and don’t know who Bean Bag Face is, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!
Melissa’s date is next. She takes Casey Mumbles, Blake the Dentist and Kirk or Kurt, I can’t remember. It’s a K-name. I like Melissa. She probably throws things out of her window while she drives, but she comes across as nice on TV. They go out on a boat and jump into the ocean. There’s not much more I can embellish about the date. That’s what they do.
Back at the house, Jake has realized that everyone hates him so he’s going to ask Vienna to help him survive the Bachelor Pad. If you could only hear the music ABC plays while Jake is walking up to ask Vienna for help. It’s the kind of music you would hear if someone was stealing the Mona Lisa.
They take a break and then replay the same 4 minutes again of Jake asking Vienna to go outside. Vienna says, “No”. Then, the women of the house are left to debate what the rest of America is debating, “Who is the bad one, Vienna or Jake?” The answer, America, is ‘both’.
We’re back on the boat and Blake the Dentist and Melissa are making out. Blake doesn’t like Melissa, but he wants to win a quarter of a million dollars. Blake admits to the camera that he’s a whore. My wife cries out, “You’re a jerk too!” Bachelor Pad Producers, you’ve done your homework!
The smooching worked. Melissa gives Blake a rose, even after promising it to Casey Mumbles. I’m just as shocked as you. I wasn’t even going to write a recap tonight, but I was so outraged by what Melissa did to Casey Mumbles.
Melissa and Blake make out a little more before the commercial.
When we get back from the break, Blake is caught hanging out with Holly while Melissa walks in, expecting more lovin’ from the dentist. Holy Love Triangle! Melissa is obviously hurt, but she can’t do anything about it. She already gave Blake a rose. Now, Melissa is bawling and I remember how crazy she is. Everyone is crazy and crying. I have a headache.
“She’s on this island of serenity, and I just want to get on a rowboat and row out to this island, but I can’t because this typhoon of Melissa keeps knocking me over.”- quote by Blake about Holly.
“The way to win this game is to take out the Power Couples!” – words of wisdom from Gia about Bachelor Pad. It’s like Vince Lombardi was reincarnated into a hot, dumb broad.
Gia and some dude plot to break up Casey Mumbles and Vienna and send them home. I wish you guys could see Bulldog’s face while he reads these recaps. Don’t worry. He doesn’t read down this far, so I’m safe mentioning it.
We’re back from commercial and it’s almost over. It’s the elimination ceremony. Jake tries again to talk to Vienna and she accepts that invitation. Casey Mumbles is there for the begging session. The freak-show couple just yells at Jake and, in so many words, they tell him that they won’t be helping him stay on the Bachelor Pad. It’s an annoying exchange of words. The music, again, makes it seem like it’s the most important thing that has ever happened.
Casey Mumbles and Vienna make out some more. It’s as sexually enticing as watching armadillos mate, not that I watch armadillos mate… much.
Chris Harrison earns his keep with a group interview to “get the vibe in the house”.
Vienna yells at Chris Harrison and ABC for making her see Jake again. Harrison tells her that, if she doesn’t like it, she should get in a cab and go home.
Then he tells the group that no men are going home, only two women. It’s jaw-droppingly ohmygoodnessly amazingly shocking!
Vienna freaks out and threatens to go home. She’s uglier than sin, by the way. Vienna doesn’t go home, so it’ll come down to a vote.
Casey Mumbles talks to Gia and I don’t understand a word he says. Luckily, Gia speaks ‘Mumble’ and gets really upset. Gia threatens to walk off of the show. Then, they run over to a group of people and there’s shouting, and I can’t understand any of it.
Gia goes to pack her bags. She’s an underwear model, but there isn’t an underwear model in this world hot enough to make me want to put up with that much stupidity.
Chris Harrison stops Gia at the gate to make sure she’s ready to throw her chances at the cash away. She’s ready. Bye-bye, Gia. You’re hot and dumb.
With Gia’s departure, only one person is sent home at the end. It’s Jackie I gasped. Bean Bag Face and Jackie are in love. Now, they’ll be torn apart. But, Bean Bag Face is so super-romantic that he leaves the show and runs off to the limo as Jackie is driving away. I love Bean Bag Face.
Ella puts it best, “They’re gonna make babies and I’m going to love it!”
Then, Bean Bag Face puts it even better, “I think we just won Bachelor Pad 2.”
You said it, Bean Bag Face. You said it.
(Side Note: I would like to say that this show is fixed if a plastic, horrible woman who everyone threw eggs at for being horrible is not given one cast-off vote. Everyone threw their eggs at the Princess witch when Chris Harrison asked who should be sent home. Then, 3 hours later, there isn't one word mentioned about her being voted off.)
As the group turns away from the limo, transporting Jackie and Bean Bag Face to the nearest Magnolia tree, the camera turns to the Princess-witch who is feeding straight from a live Golden Retriever puppy’s neck. The blood sprays everywhere. The Bachelor Pad crew tries to rip the puppy from her hands but she holds it above her head and screams out something in Latin. The ground around her feet starts on fire. She devours the puppy whole while cackling laughter. I’m glad I stayed up to watch the end.
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