Bachelor Recap - Making out in a New Zealand Hobbit House

Go sit on a bench and we'll make out

Because I work second shift, I’m unable to watch ‘The Bachelor’ live. I have to wait until 1 a.m.  With social media, I can check in on comments to see how things are going with everyone’s favorite ocean-sex haver, Juan Pablo.

Luckily, I’m one of three male members of a Bachelor Facebook group. My dad doesn’t know this about me. It’s a fun group. I’m only like the 48^th meanest person on there. These were some of the comments that got me good and depressed for tonight’s viewing fiesta.

“Oh great. Another cave.”

“Sheep poop fight.”

“I hate this show.”

You can’t buy that kind of insight. I thought about purchasing a Bachelor recap on Craigslist like a High School football player does with essays so I could avoid watching tonight but, I don’t make 'High School Football Player' money.

Juan Pablo has 8 girlfriends left. The group has been flown to New Zealand to make sure that they can fall in love. Vietnam was nice but, it’s better to go to New Zealand to fall in love. Everyone knows that. You can’t just stay on one continent while dating several women and expect love to happen… especially if you’re not climbing into or up something. Have you people never read Shakespeare?

They begin with showing us stuff we’ve already seen. ABC is running out of material for this 2-hour crapfest so they’re showing us past crap before they preview crap to come. We re-witness Juan Pablo yelling at Clare for having sex with him in an ocean.

Juan Pablo flies in his own plane because he’s important. He likes New Zealand because it has rivers and mountains. He says that New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love. I thought it was Paris but, whatever. I’m not in New Zealand to properly judge the situation.

When talking about his girlfriends, Juan Pablo says, “Ay, yi yi.” I had to do a Google search to get the proper spelling of ‘Ay yi yi’. Someone made a Youtube compilation video of all of the times Juan Pablo has said ‘Ay yi yi’. It’s 2:38 long. Ay yi yi.

Cassandra talks about missing her son to remind us of her ‘son’ having.

Clare says, “Getting the first date in New Zealand is crucial”. I think she stole that quote from Winston Churchill. Andi gets the first date, which is crucial. Clare is upset that she didn’t get the first date because she got yelled at for having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam last week. It’s hard, you guys.

We’re seven minutes in and girls are talking by the fire and no one is dating yet. No one is climbing down things. Clare’s dad is probably bored to death (like, extra death).

Juan Pablo arrives to pick up Andi. I don’t remember much about Andi. She made out with Juan Pablo in front of a soccer stadium deep fryer. I’m sure there’s more but I’m drawing a blank. Juan Pablo wears a scarf for their date. I didn’t think New Zealand was scarf country.

They jump in a speed boat to get to know each other better. There’s some pleasant conversation about how cool riding in a jet boat is. I can see the bonding on my television.

The happy couple parks their speed boat so they can go swimming in a cave. Bachelor interns hand them their bathing suits and they jump into their cave water. They’re getting to know each other in their cave water. It’s a really tight fit with the rocks closing in on them from each side. It looks uncomfortable, especially if you’re one of the two guys carrying a 200 lb. camera.

The tunnels are difficult to navigate. Andi remarks on how well Juan Pablo takes care of her. These are the kinds of challenging situations they’ll find themselves in back at home. Guided New Zealand tours are very similar to arguing with kids at a Bounce Magic.

Andi and Juan Pablo make out under a waterfall with dramatic music playing. It’s Grown Sexy. The water is hot because of volcanoes, or something. Andi talks about how their trust for each other is growing because they walked through a tunnel and made out in a waterfall.

This is an Irish Spring commercial

After the waterfall smoochfest, they eat dinner on a bench on a volcano beach. There’s a bunch of smoke because there’s lava underneath them. Water gushes out of a geyser and sprays the young lovers. It’s a metaphor. They can’t eat their food because of the hot geyser water. It’s thrilling. This show has nothing to do with anything. It’s basically a commercial for New Zealand.

Back at the mansion, we find out that Clare gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. So, America gets 40 more minutes of Clare. I just hate this show so much.

Is that a geyser behind us or just you connecting with me?

We’re back at the geyser date. Keep up! Andi and Juan Pablo are on a bridge. He has on a different scarf. Who has two scarves? Andi starts talking about love and how she wants a family. Juan Pablo gives her a rose and they make out more. There’s a lot of tongue. Andi says, “It’s so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well.” That’s not irony Andi, but I get your point. Chemistry does burst. When you fall off of a cliff, do you think you feel it before you die? I’ll bet you have to feel it a little. If chickens can live without their heads for 5 seconds, there’s no way you don’t have time to say ‘ouch’. Anyway, they’re still making out and talking but, I can’t hear them over the ironic geyser spraying.

They group date is next. Juan Pablo is scarfless. What’s the point? The group meets in a field. Everyone is cold. I thought New Zealand was warm? Isn’t it down there near the warm parts? Why was Paul Hogan so tan? Is that a racist statement? Can you be racist when talking about Paul Hogan? It’s ironic that I’m recapping this while watching geysers because the racism is bursting through as well. It’s a good thing this show doesn’t have any rules.

It’s Cassandra’s 22^nd birthday. Keep up! Bachelor interns have laid out a picnic lunch for everyone and the girls will surely mention how wonderful Juan Pablo is for doing the work. Bachelor interns should form a labor union.

Everyone drinks from a mug and talks about what the wind is doing to their hair. Juan Pablo takes the girls down a hill to giant hamster balls. It’s fun! They roll down the hill in human-sized hamster balls. I hope Clare’s dad isn’t getting dizzy. They’re all clearly getting to know each other by rolling down hills in giant balls. Juan Pablo isn’t wearing a shirt so, that helps.

Nikki and Juan Pablo make out a lot in their hamster ball. It’s Grown Sexy. I was a little worried that Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila, might see the making out and think less of her dad but, I trust that Juan Pablo knows best about the exact method of making out that would make Camila lose respect for her dad. He makes out a ton, but Camila would only lose respect for him under certain ‘make out’ situations. If he’s making out under a waterfall or in a giant hamster ball, that’s okay. Camila doesn’t mind that. She probably encourages it.

After hamster ball making out, the group date moves to a hobbit house. I really don’t have words to describe how much I enjoy that last sentence. Juan Pablo grabs Renee to talk about how they made out last week. Then, they made out. There are no geysers to draw parallels from but, Renee does manage to say that she feels like she’s been dating Juan Pablo for 8 months. They’ve been on, like, three dates and this current one involves hamster balls and hobbit houses. I hate this show.
They continue their make out. It’s a special moment. It’s especially special when Juan Pablo brings Nikki out to the exact same spot to make out with fresh ‘Renee’ on his breath. Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she’s falling for him. It’s a big moment to tell the game show prize that you’re falling for him. Juan Pablo shuts her up by making out with her. There’s a lot of tongue. Sometimes, I regret my purchase of a high definition television.

While Nikki and Juan Pablo make out, the rest of the girls sit in the hobbit house and discuss the intensity level of their relationship with the same boyfriend. Who does this? Where do they find people for this show? What kind of girl talks to a girl who is dating her boyfriend about their growing love for said boyfriend? It’s one step away from drinking Kool-aid to prepare for the arrival of a spaceship. I hate this show.

Sharleeen the opera singer is feeling neglected because her boyfriend has 7 other girlfriends. She’s feeling very much like a brown bear, you guys. She gets alone time with Juan Pablo and, instead of talking, they make out. While Sharleen talks about how genuine Juan Pablo is, he interrupts her troublesome talking with his tongue. Chris Harrison was wrong about this show. There is one rule; don’t talk to Juan Pablo. Only make out with him.

Sharleen is frustrated because she wants to talk. I’ll bet it’s difficult for a gorgeous opera singer to share a boyfriend but, I can’t be sure. I’m not a gorgeous opera singer… yet.

They make out more. Who would read this? The non-opera singer girls party in the hobbit house to celebrate Cassandra’s birthday. They’re all close friends who date the same guy, you guys!

The first commercial in the break features an Italian man telling an M&M how he’s going to murder him.

We’re back at the hobbit house. The girls are calling the ‘group date’ rose their precious. There is no way any of these girls saw the movie. Some intern told them to say that.

Cassandra gets the next turn on the make-out bench. Juan Pablo is such a gentleman. He doesn’t even leave his bench to make out with his girlfriends. He just sits there and has the interns bring him the next girl in line. Because it’s her 22^nd birthday, Juan Pablo doesn’t make out with Cassandra. I’m shocked. I would have made out with her. Maybe Camila snuck out of bed to watch TV or something and he knew she’d be watching. He’s such a good dad.


Sharleen gets the group date rose. Her friends seem less than happy for her. Some friends…

After giving Sharleen the rose, Juan Pablo pulls Cassandra outside in the rain. He smiles and tells her that she’s one of his special ones. That’s what he says. He says, “You’re one of my special ones.” Then, he dumps her. He’s very genuine. Happy Birthday, Cassanda!

For my 22^nd birthday, we got a keg and threw a party in my apartment. We filled the tub with ice, plopped the keg in and waited for the crowd. Three people came to the party. My roommate and I drank beer while showering all week. At least I wasn’t dumped in the rain outside of a hobbit house.

Cassandra cries in the limo. She says that she wants love. There’s no chance of her finding it. She’s not even climbing down something. Cassandra is kind of an idiot. Find a geyser or a rope or something. While Cassandra cries in the limo, Juan Pablo walks around in the rain to think about love. He’s such a genuine guy. He dumped a woman who just poured her heart out on her birthday. Seriously, this guy is the absolute worst in a raging sea of 'worst' water.

After the commercial, ABC reminds us of how much of a good guy Juan Pablo is by showing him Skype with his daughter. It’s really touching. I have to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from crying. Next, he looks out the window and thinks. Cameras capture it.

Juan Pablo picks up Clare for her Juan-on-Juan. They meet in a field. No one is wearing a scarf. Producers make them sit on some rocks. Clare tells the camera that she wants Juan Pablo to apologize for yelling at her for making him have sex in the ocean. Juan Pablo kind of apologizes… kind of. Clare apologizes for wanting an apology. They’re acting like they didn’t have sex. They call it swimming. Again, I’m not positive they had sex. No one knows but Juan Pablo, Clare and Clare’s dad. I may never know. I don’t really want to know. I don’t care. Clare is still talking about boundaries.

If you're going to apologize about ocean sex, sit on some rocks first.

Juan Pablo talks about how he doesn’t like to do inappropriate things in front of his daughter. This show… I swear, I wish so bad I didn’t have to watch it. Clare and Juan Pablo are making out on rocks. It looks super comfortable. Get them a hammock, ABC! You can splurge for planes and hot cave waterfalls but Clare has to sit on rocks? Are there no chairs in New Zealand? They have geysers and hobbit houses.

Clare says, “Today couldn’t have gone any better. Juan Pablo apologized for how he upset me in Vietnam.” That sounds like a full day to me. They go inside to sit on a couch. The couch is in a non-hobbit house. What’s the point?
Juan Pablo asks Clare if she’s falling in love with him. It’s a bold move. I don’t think a Bachelor has ever done that before. Clare gives the long answer. It’s really long. She just keeps talking. She’s like a geyser of words. It’s ironic.

Juan Pablo shakes the date up by changing into sweatpants so they can relax on the couch. Clare is super impressed at how awesome Juan Pablo is for wanting to wear sweatpants. It’s she’s impressed by a man’s ability to wear sweatpants, I would turn her into a river in 3 minutes. They act goofy and it’s super goofy.

They talk more and there are still 40 minutes left. He gives her a rose. It must not be her birthday. In a stunning upset, Clare accepts the rose. After all, he did kind of apologize for making her feel like dirt. They dance and make out and we watch. We all watch. Admit it, guys. You watched. Clare’s dad watched.

When you’re an ABC camera guy and you have to stand in a living room and film two people slow dancing and making out, do you whip out your phone and play Candy Crush or something? Can you tape and crush candy at the same time? They don’t move around a lot. Do you just zone out and think about what meals you’re going to make that week? How come you guys never answer my questions?

The cocktail party is next. Time has just flown. I’m having so much fun.

Before the party, Juan Pablo walks out into a field to look at pictures of his 7 girlfriends. It’s important. Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere to sit down for an interview. I yelp because I totally didn't see it coming. They discuss, in detail, how he’s going to approach dumping one of his remaining girlfriends. It’s important. Clare’s dad nods his head in approval to everything said.

Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo hug after their warm Jueart-to-Jueart. Juan Pablo tells the camera that he likes Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison knows that the point of all of this is finding a future with a woman. It’s true. Chris Harrison knows that. That’s why he makes people climb into caves and get naked pictures taken with dogs while they’re dating several women at once. That’s the only way to see a future with someone.

Nikki and Juan Pablo sit on a bench and he tells her he’s wearing pink underwear. She says that she likes pink underwear. He asks her why. She says, “I just do.” Then, they make out. Why did you read this paragraph? More importantly, why did you read this paragraph and then move on to the next paragraph? Are you some sort of psychopath?

Anyway, psychopath, Juan Pablo pulls Renee outside to talk on a bench. I guess there were no uncomfortable rocks in the cocktail party house. Renee talks about her son. It’s Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo says that there’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. My favorite scene in ‘Basic Instinct’ is when Sharon Stone talks about her kid.

After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo brings Chelsie out to a different bench. There are so many benches in New Zealand. Chelsie talks a lot. There’s a ton of talking. She talks about relationships. She’s not talking about her kid so, Juan Pablo is not attracted to her. Also, they’re not climbing down anything so no connections are being made. They hug. Who hugs? What a rip off.

Next, Juan Pablo talks to Kat. I honestly don’t recognize Kat, and I watch this show twice every week. Kat says that she’s been “journaling”. I didn’t know you could make that word into a verb. Kat talks about how her dad was an alcoholic. I’m not sure of how high ‘Alcoholic Dad’ ranks on Juan Pablo’s ‘Hot’ scale but, he doesn’t seem that into it. It’s hard for me to tell. Trying to figure out what Juan Pablo is thinking is like trying to understand squirrel behavior.

The Rose ceremony is next. Chris Harrison talks about how important this week has been. I can’t wait until 2078 when kids will get to read in text books about the important ‘New Zealand’ week of Juan Pablo’s ‘Bachelor’ season.

Juan Pablo dumps Kat. Happy Birthday, Kat! Way to not have a kid to talk about, idiot. Kat cries in the limo like a good girl. She holds it together pretty well. There is zero snot.
Sharleen, the opera singer, is crying more than Kat and she got to stay in New Zealand. Sharleen is confused and thinking about leaving the show. The previews have told us that Sharleen was going to leave the show. She doesn’t. She’s going to give it one more week.

Juan Pablo is down to 6 girlfriends. Holy cow! Who is he going to make out with? Next week, the entire group goes to Miami. I hope they go to a Heat game. (Sports quota filled… at the buzzer!!! DOUBLE SPORTS QUOTA!!!!! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!)

During the credits, Juan Pablo throws sheep poop at his girlfriends.