Bachelor Recap- Moms Should Take Nude Pictures to be Considered Good Moms

Future mom pictured above

Juan Pablo still doesn’t have a mother for his child, or an additional boy and girl. ABC is taking care of all that. They’ve given Juan Pablo 17 girlfriends. One of these ladies will be that special maternal influence that young Camila, needs. It’s a beautiful, natural process. It’s the Bachelor.

We’ve met the women, and have already grown to hate a couple of them. The rest of the hate will come in good time. Please be patient with your hate. You have all season to hate. Don’t go jumping the gun on hatred. Get to know a girl before you just hate all willy-nilly.

This week, Juan Pablo begins to date his girlfriends. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date on tonight’s episode.

We start with a dog swimming in the pool. That’s great for your filter. The girls sit around and talk about how excited they are to see Juan Pablo again. I don’t know anyone’s name yet. It’s early. I’m like a duckling turning into a swan.

Juan Pablo walks in to pick up Clare for the first date. I don’t know if I missed something but, normally, everyone’s favorite pimp Chris Harrison strolls in to lay down the rules. There was no Harrison. Is he hurt? Did Chris Harrison tear an ACL while warning someone they were down to their final rose? They went straight to the date. They should pace themselves. They have 2 hours to fill and the main star of the show can’t talk.

Anyway, Juan Pablo picks up Clare for the first Juan-on-Juan date. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, so we can tell that he can totally be laid back and down to Earth. Clare says, “I know this is crazy but, this could be my first date with my future husband.” That is cray-cray, Clare.

Juan Pablo puts a blindfold on Clare to surprise her. It’s romantic. Just in case you guys at home are ever going to try this, have abs. If you have abs and you blindfold a girl, it’s romantic. If you don’t have abs and you blindfold a girl, it’s super rapey. 11 years of recapping ‘The Bachelor’, by the way, and my computer still doesn’t think ‘rapey’ is a word.

The date card said, “Let’s chill.” I hope that means Juan Pablo is going to throw Clare into a bathtub of ice after taking out her kidney.

Juan Pablo and the blind Clare pull up to a park with snow IN CALIFORNIA! There’s no snow in California! SCREAMS!!!!!!11!!11!!1!!ELEVENTY!

They sled while ABC plays the same music they played when ET made Eliot’s bike fly. There’s more sledding. Clare says, “I feel like this is the perfect fairy tale. This is unreal. This is unreal.” So guys, blindfold her and take her sledding…. Also, have abs.

Back at the house, some girl named Lucy is skinny dipping in front of everyone. I guess she’s that free spirit girl. Luckily, ABC has black bars to cover her free spirited bosom.

This is magic, you guys.

We’re back on the snow date. KEEP UP! The two young lovers play hide and seek in the snow. It’s adorable, and boring. Clare says, “I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, long time.” That’s, like, days. She also says, “Juan Pablo makes me feel like a kid again.” Hey, I wonder if the last time a man made her feel alive was when she was a kid? Okay, now I’m completely creeped out.

There’s amateur ice skating. They’re not even good at it. Clare keeps falling. Get some talent. Clare says that she’s 100% open to opening herself up. That doesn’t make sense. Clare is about as good at logic than she is at ice skating. She’s excited tough and can’t wait to see what else is to come. The nice thing about dating the Bachelor is, the fun never ends. You have fake snow dates for the rest of your lives. It’s always magical. You never stand in Home Depot and argue over light fixtures. It’s always fake snow and bliss.

Back at the mansion, a dog brings in a date card. Where the hell did the dog come from? Did they replace Chris Harrison with a dog? Does the dog talk? Can the dog tell people how many roses are left? Kat has the next Juan-on-Juan date.

Clare and Juan Pablo are in a hot tub in the snow. Keep up! Clare talks about her dad while rubbing Juan Pablo’s back. I hope Clare’s dad is watching from heaven. Clare is wearing a dead dad necklace and she talks about it. I can’t remember if Clare is the girl who carries around the dead dad DVD, but I’m guessing it’s her. I could just read back last week’s recap but that would require effort. (Okay, I checked. It’s her.)

Because she had the courage to talk about her dead dad, Juan Pablo gives Clare a rose. Clare tells the camera that she’s falling for Juan Pablo. HOLY CRAP THAT’S EARLY! Even by ‘Bachelor’ standards, that’s early. You don’t go with “falling” until week 4, at the earliest. This girl is bat-crap crazy. We end the date with a creepy personal concert from Josh Crajick? Project? I don’t know his name but he plays guitar and sings for Clare and Juan Pablo while they slow dance in the snow, wearing swim trunks. Then, they make out.

All of the sudden, ABC makes it snow. Clare talks more about how her dad wanted her to be happy and how he’s watching her dance half-naked in the snow and make out with a man she’s known for 14 minutes who is also dating 16 other women.

The next day, Kat gets her date. One of Juan Pablo’s other girlfriends acts excited for Kat. This other girl is genuinely happy that Kat will be alone with her boyfriend. Who wouldn’t be?

Juan Pablo picks up Kat and doesn’t blindfold her. What’s the point? It’s another surprise, though. They drive to a private jet. ABC has ditched helicopters for private jets. Luckily, no one in the world is starving.
They jump into their jet without passing through customs or security. What if Kat is a terrorist? What if she trained in ‘Bachelor contestant’ sleeper cells, learning the tricks to getting on the show and securing Juan-on-Juan dates for the sole purpose of boarding planes without having to pass through security so she can sneak on box cutters and commandeer the jet to commit murder/suicide on US soil? Thanks, ABC. I’m glad you don’t care about my family.

Juan Pablo and Kat goof around in their jet. It’s totally goofy. They goof a ton. Juan Pablo changes into a track suit for some reason. He gives Kat glowing clothes. They’re so goofy!

They land in Utah. ABC planned a big rave. There are raves in Utah? Who knew? It can’t be a good rave. It’s something called ‘The Electric Run’. People scream, wave glow sticks and run. They run 5K. That’s a lot of running for a first date. I normally only make my first dates run 3K, tops. What if Kat has asthma?

Juan Pablo and Kat dance and run. There’s dancing and running. We see it. I suppose Clare’s dad is watching Kat and Juan Pablo as well. I don’t know how much access heaven gives dead dads. I never read that far into the bible.

Juan Pablo tells the camera that Kat is a good sport and that is what he is looking for. I thought he was looking for a mother for his daughter and then two additional kids. He’s needy.

Juan Pablo gives Kat a rose. Clare’s dad sees it.

The group date is next. A bunch of Juan Pablo’s girlfriends get into a limo. Kelly says, “The date card says ‘Say cheese.’ I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both.” Kelly’s occupation is ‘Dog Lover’. I hear there’s money in that.

13 girls pile out of the limo to hug Juan Pablo. Clare’s dad watches. They walk into a warehouse full of cameras and bikinis. It’s a photo shoot. There’s no cheese. They’re taking pictures for charity. A guy with a blue beard tells the girls that they’re going to take pictures with dogs. I’ll bet Kelly is stoked. She’s a dog lover.

“There was some sex, there was a lot of pooping, and there was a lot of disorder.” – Lucy

Fun!

The pictures are for ‘Models and Mutts’. They stole my idea. The girls get made up to match dogs.
Throughout the course of the group date, Juan Pablo says three words. He dug deep to come up with three words. This guy is not so much with the word makin’.

Elise, a first grade teacher, is asked to pose for pictures wearing nothing but a sandwich board. It’s a nude photo shoot. Andi, the assistant DA is also asked to take her clothes off on national TV. The blue beard guy says, “Trust me, you’ll be fine.” It’s more rapey than the blindfold thing.

This naked photo shoot thing is great. It really displays the core values that Juan Pablo is looking for. You can’t find a mother for your daughter if you don’t ask potential candidates to dispose of their dignity for a rose. Any woman who desires to be a mother needs to take her clothes off to pose with a dog. How else would you know a good mother? Screw nurturing and kind hearts, if she’s won’t show off her hoo-has, she’s not fit to raise your daughter!

My parents once told me the story about the time they fell in love. My dad brought her to a photo shoot and asked her to take her clothes off for naked pictures.  52 years later, they’re still together!

I feel good about Camila, Juan Pablo’s daughter, watching this from home. I hope she’s rooting for the naked ladies to end up as her mother. I know Clare’s dad is watching now.

The photo shoot happens. Andi and Elise freak out over their impending nakedness. It’s dramatic. There’s drama. Elise doesn’t want to be a bad role model to her students so she asks blue beard guy if something can be done about the naked thing. He basically tells her to shut up and get naked. I’m assuming you didn’t watch the show so you’re just going to have to trust me on this. That is what happened. It’s heart warming.

Elise takes matter into her own hands and switches costumes with Lucy, the free spirit girl who likes being naked. Once again, ABC’s black bars save America from the nakedness.

There are pictures. Some of the girls kiss Juan Pablo while his other girlfriends and Clare’s dad watch.
Andi still doesn’t want to get naked. Juan Pablo goes over to convince her everything is okay. He does not tell her that it’s okay to NOT take her clothes off. After all, he needs to find a mother. He’s a gentleman.
Juan Pablo agrees to get naked as well. Double nakedness!

ABC plays soft music as Juan Pablo, Andi and Lucy get naked. It’s heartfelt nakedness. The other girls talk about how magnanimous they are for using nakedness to get dogs adopted. It’s naked for a good cause, you guys. There’s an hour left in the show.

After the naked dog photo shoot (That’s naked photos and dog photos, not naked dogs. Well, technically, the dogs were naked too.) everyone goes to the roof of a building to drink. That’s what you do when you’re on ‘The Bachelor’. You drink on a roof!

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo aside to tell him about her son. They’re all alone, except for Clare’s dad who is also watching their conversation. Cassandra spills the beans and Juan Pablo is super excited. He’s such a good guy! Juan Pablo loves kids. He wants an additional boy and an additional girl so, if he chooses Cassandra as his 6-month wife, he won’t even have to wait for the additional son. That son is pre-packaged!

Juan Pablo takes another girl on the roof to make out. I can’t really keep up. They try talking. Instead, they make out because Juan Pablo doesn’t really talk. He’s a super nice guy and a good dad though, you guys.

A girl named Victoria had too much wine. She’s slurring and it’s fun. I’m having fun. Victoria says, “If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day. That’s what life is about, straddling people… and things.” That was my yearbook quote. Victoria is level 5 drunk. She’s setting ‘Bachelor’ records for sloppy goodness.

Juan Pablo pulls Nikki aside because she’s a cute nurse. I would do that. ABC plays really soft ‘Juan Pablo likes Nikki’ guitar music. This Latin lover is hitting the call button for some Nikki nurse time. Someone please kill me.

Meanwhile, Victoria is still drunk. I love how I keep writing as if anyone is reading this. Victoria says, “Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I totally saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that.” I’m not saying a good hymen maneuver couldn’t be life-saving but, I think she’s confused about medical terminology.

Victoria says, “Whose leg to I have to hump around here to get some 1-on-1 time.” That’s my other yearbook quote.

Victoria interrupts Nikki and Juan Pablo’s alone time by walking by in her drunken state. She then does what any respectable drunk girl would do. She’s blows up and starts crying. I’ve been there.

Victoria cries in a bathroom stall while one of Juan Pablo’s other girlfriends console her. There’s a camera guy there to catch the fun. I’m trying to picture what it’s like to apply for a job as a ‘Bachelor’ camera guy. I imagine the first question is, “What’s the best angle to take to get a good shot of a girl crying in a bathroom stall?”

There’s a lot of crying and snot. After a little yelling, Victoria tries to go home. ABC producers don’t let her leave without shoes. They’re super caring, you guys. She runs out anyway… and into another bathroom. There are 40 minutes left in this show. I hate everything.

Lucy tells Juan Pablo to take care of his drunken girlfriend. He goes into the bathroom, even though it’s a girl’s bathroom. There’s crying. Because Juan Pablo doesn’t talk, there’s not a lot of consoling. He just tells her he’ll be outside. I don’t know if Victoria is mother material.

Juan Pablo gives his date rose to Kelly. The other girls coo because they’re so happy for Kelly. They’re very happy for their friend who gets to further pursue her relationship with their boyfriend. Juan Pablo leaves and asks his girlfriends to take care of his drunken girlfriend.

Chantal and Chelsie talk about how honorable Juan Pablo was for how he treated the Victoria situation. They’re very proud of him for checking on the horrifically drunk girl for a millisecond and then abandoning her without saying goodbye or checking to see if she was drowning in a puddle of her own vomit.

Seriously, dozens of ‘Bachelor’ contestants have fallen victim to excessive drinking and there has never been a Bachelor who didn’t suck it up and deal with it. Juan Pablo just left. He’s a good guy, though.

The next day, Victoria is gone. ABC threw her in a different hotel. Mr. Wonderful visits her in this hotel to see if she’s okay 16 hours after she was in any potential danger. Victoria apologizes for drinking all of the alcohol ABC fed her. Juan Pablo accepts her apology but doesn’t feel like she should stay on the show because he needs a mother and child bearer. He says it’s about him and his daughter. So, if you’re keeping score at home, take your clothes off on national TV but don’t drink.

During the commercial break, Juan Pablo talks to a yellow M&M about his girlfriends. There’s a soccer ball. Sports quota filled.

Next, we have a cocktail party. Apparently, we haven’t had enough cocktails yet. There’s a bunch of talking. I’m exhausted. Juan Pablo explains to his girlfriends why he dumped his one girlfriend. He says, “This about my life and you guyzes’ life too.” By using the phrase “you guyzes”, Juan Pablo is now an official South Buffalonian!

Amy, the reporter, interviews Juan Pablo. It’s hilarious. At one point during the funny interview, I laugh so hard that my soul leaves my body. Amy is a little less annoying than a crying baby on an airplane.

Opera singer makes her first significant appearance on tonight’s show. Opera singer apologizes for acting like she didn’t want a rose last week. They talk and there’s talking.

No one has paid attention to Cassandra in the last four seconds so she starts to cry about the son she’s abandoned to be on the show. There’s a bunch of snot. Her earrings are huge. They must weigh 8 pounds each. Renee consoles Cassandra because she wants what is best for the girl who is dating her boyfriend.

Renee tells Cassandra not to leave and to remain in LA to continue dating Renee’s boyfriend.
Juan Pablo moves in to talk to Cassandra about her ‘son-missing’ attitude. There’s really touching piano played. Cassandra cries more. Juan Pablo tells her not to worry and that, as soon as he feels like dumping her, he will. That way, she can go back to her son. He’s such a nice guy, you guys! He’s Juan in a milJuan.

During the commercial break, ABC teases their live production of Sean and Catherine’s wedding. You’d be doing me a favor if you killed me.

After the break, Chris Harrison gets off of his ass and makes an appearance. He lays down the rules of the rose ceremony. The girls nod. There’s nodding.

Juan Pablo dumps a couple of girlfriends. The super energetic Amy girl is sent home. She doesn’t interview herself after getting dumped. I’m disappointed. Chantal is sent home as well. She was the black girl. We’re still waiting for a black girl to make it to the top 7. It’s like rooting for the MAAC in the NCAA tournament. (TWO SPORTS REFERENCES!)

Next week, Juan Pablo asks his girlfriends to use heroin to make sure they’re fit to be the mother of his daughter.