Bachelorette Recap- The Men Tell All We Can Take

The worst week of the worst season of the worst show occurred last night. That’s a lot of ‘worsts’. Emily Maynard has narrowed down her blood-thirsty hunt for love down to 2 boyfriends; Jef with 1 ‘f’ and Arie. Arie will win the Game show next week but, first, ABC brings back all of Emily’s rejected boyfriends so they can tell all. It’s the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. I hate every moment. This recap will be short .

The ‘Men Tell All’ episode is pointless.  Nothing happens. I hate it. It’s a last ditch effort for attention whores to get on television. It’s the last time America will see them before they’re on the Bachelor Pad which, by the way, I will not watch but more on that later.

The ‘Men Tell All’ begins with everyone’s favorite nodder, Chris Harrison, welcoming the studio audience of 399 women and 1 dude. Harrison tells us what is in store and then throws it to a taped interview with Emily Maynard.

They tell us about stuff we’ve already seen and then show us footage we’ve already seen. (Commercial break)

Chris Harrison giggles uncontrollably and shows America a reel of moments that we didn’t see. It’s hilarious. Emily spills wine and throws an egg on the ground. I laugh so much.

Then, they show all of the footage of Emily brushing her teeth and using the bathroom to prove how real the show is. (Commercial break)

Chris Harrison throws it to a 5-minute promo of their summer slut-fest, ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t know if this is an official announcement or anything but I am not watching the Bachelor Pad. I can’t. That show is garbage. I know the Bachelor/Bachelorette is garbage but Bachelor Pad is smellier, dirtier garbage. (Commercial break)

We’ve gone a half-hour, ¼ of the show, and we have not seen anything new. I’m not complaining because I don’t like new or old Bachelorette moments but you would think a television show on a major television network could do better than this.

They introduce the ‘Men’ who are to ‘Tell All’. Then, they show 7 more minutes of footage from the season that we’ve already seen. I’m not even watching television. You’re not even reading a recap. You’re reading a recap about a recap. To update, we’ve gone 38-minutes before we see a single second of original programming. (Commercial break)

Chris Harrison puts Kalon, the planted contestant who was paid to act evil, to sit in the hot seat so the women and 1 dude in the audience can boo him and Emily’s other boyfriends can yell at him. Kalon continues to act evil. Chris Harrison announces that Kalon will be on the Bachelor Pad so the audience can boo once more. (Commercial break)(Every commercial break has another ridiculous promo for the Bachelor Pad, by the way)

Ryan the Arena Football League player get his chance to be booed by America after a short 4-minute recap of things we’ve already seen. His beard looks like someone burned a cork and rubbed it on his face. Ryan defends his arrogant nature while ABC pans the camera to show us old ladies shaking their head in a state disapprovement. For the record, ‘disapprovement’ is not a word and my computer has no suggestions on how to fix this mistake. Chris, the Polish guy, yells at Ryan from his seat and there is yelling and I blacked out for a little. (Commercial break)

Chris, the Polish guy, gets the next 1-on-1 hot-seat interview after a 12-minute montage of things we’ve already seen. Chris talks about how much he wants love. (‘Polish’ Chris, not Chris Harrison… keep up!) When Chris talks about how much he wants love, the women in the audience do not shake their heads in disapprovement, they smile and nod in approvement (also not a word). Chris cries and unveils that he has serious anger issues and admits to losing friends over his anger issues. When he’s done with this confession, the audience applauds. I’m confused. They promote that Chris will take his anger issues to the Bachelor Pad. It should be punchy. (Commercial break)

Giant religious Sean has the next hot-seat interview and the 399 girls and one dude just go nuts with excitement. Sean will be a Bachelor soon. His giant shoulders will bear that burden. We, of course, re-live his journey with a 17-minute montage.

“I spent several weeks questioning myself”- Giant religious Sean on getting dumped by Emily.

That’s really the only quote I have for this week. There hasn’t been a ton of new material and Wolf has hardly said a word. It’s disappointing. I am in a state of disapprovement. (Commercial break)

There is a ‘Shingles’ commercial during the break. It comes across as an ABC series about shingles. I’d watch and recap a season of a show about Shingles with more excitement than a show about a brainless twit dating 25 men.

Emily gets the next hot-seat interview. She talks to Sean about their failed relationship. She apologizes for dumping him and Sean said, “I never questioned your sincerity”. So, Sean never questioned the sincerity of a woman who dated 25 guys at once. Sean thanks Emily for dumping him.

Chris thanks Emily for dumping him.

Emily yells at Kalon for being Kalon and he plugs his Twitter account. Then Chris Harrison throws it to commercial claiming that they have so much more to talk about.

I’ve just turned my television off. I hate this show.

Next week is the finale. I promise my recap will be slightly better.