Bachelor Pad- I Hate This Show

Forget everything you know about Power Couples, which is nothing. This game has changed.

Ten plastic beings remain on the Bachelor Pad and ABC has broken down the contest into couples. I know what you’re thinking, “Greg, they can’t do that becau…” SHUT UP! They can do that. They did do that. It’s done.

Before that’s done, they show the aftermath of last week’s Rose Ceremony. Everyone looks exhausted from a long day of backstabbing and being fake. Princess Erica kicks things off with a Hall of Fame quote, “I think everyone just needs to, like, have a good night’s sleep so we can all do our best in the competition because that’s why we’re here.” She makes it sound like they’re Olympic sprinters.

This week’s fun starts with a smutty version of the Newlywed game. It’s taxing, because it makes them all talk about something other than themselves. All remaining contestants must find a partner of the opposite sex and learn as much about each other as possible. The producers find some music that’s really close to every 70’s game show, but not quite.

It’s called the ‘Nearlywed’ game. Do you get the joke? Can you understand the joke there?

Here is the breakdown of the couples remaining. For your reading pleasure, I will power rank them:

1. Casey Mumbles/ Vienna- The most powerful power couple ever. Be afraid, people. They’re my favorite to win because good things happen to despicable people.

2. Graham/ Michele Money- Thrown together by this crazy game. Will they find love? I’m not sure, but they’ll probably have sex under the watchful eye of a night-vision camera.

3. Kirk/Kurt/Ella- Platonical couple interested in winning the money because of mold infestation and debt.

4. Michael/ Holly- Used to be engaged. Michael still loves Holly but she’s in love with someone else… and that really hurts.

5. Blake/ Erica- A dentist paired with a Velociraptor that gets fat blown into her lips once a week. Blake is on the chopping block. You must use the term ‘chopping block’ because that’s the only term these people know.

The winners get roses, making them safe from elimination and earning them a special date where they will be able to have sex. It’s a big prize so they all head off to different parts of the mansion to study. Kurk and Ella sit in front of a fire to talk. Isn’t it always 75 degrees in Hollywood? Why are there fires? They all wear sweaters and pants too. I’m sweating just thinking about it. That’s why I never became a Hollywood superstar.

The contest is a pointless endeavor to get Michael mad at Blake for openly declaring how bad he wants to steal Holly away from him. It works.

Casey Mumbles knows nothing about Vienna. It’s possible he does, but everyone misinterprets his answers because he has a gym sock stuffed into his throat. Vienna is mad at Casey Mumbles for the entire 2 hours.

Graham and Michele Money rig the contest by answering the same thing for every question. It’s actually brilliant. I can’t believe two people on this show could be so smart.

Blake and Erica come in second place and earn a 1-on-1 date for themselves.

Graham and Money GET A HELICOPTER RIDE FOR THEIR DATE. I wonder if ABC just went out and bought a helicopter at this point for their Bachelor franchise. It would be cheaper than constantly renting. ABC sends them to downtown LA to see the premiere of a movie and there is no doubt that plenty of clips will be provided.

Back at the Mansion, Casey Mumbles and Vienna are fighting. Casey Mumbles ripped the engagement ring off of her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. I’m not making that up. Casey tries to smooth things over by mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. At this point, he just wants to cuddle. ABC provides subtitles. I froze my screen to capture this gem.

Jumping back to the Graham/ Money date, they put on bikinis and watch a movie from a pool. ABC got a truckload of cash to show us 15 minutes of the movie while Michele Money relates the plot to her life. I cry a little.

Then, Graham and Michele make out, completely ignoring the movie. Michele wasn’t too worried about her daughter seeing her kiss last night. She was climbing on Graham like a Sherpa on Mt. Everest.

Blake and Erica have their date in a church. Erica announces, several times, that she is going to force Blake to have sex with her. She doesn’t speak in code or innuendo, she says, “I really want to have sex with Blake”.

They’re given roses to save one other couple. They can’t use the roses for themselves. Blake tries to talk strategy while Erica rubs on his leg for 20 minutes. She doesn’t so much beg Blake to sleep with her, as much as threaten.

Could you imagine being Erica’s Dad watching this show with his buddies from work? “Hey, Pete. Your daughter… she’s kind of the biggest slut I’ve ever seen… no offense.”

I know that there is a primal code written into my DNA that requires me to be attracted to a blonde with big boobs, but that woman is the opposite of attractive. Every time she speaks, I want to break a pool cue in half and jam a splintered end into my ear canal, severing all of the essential tissue that gives me the ability to hear. I vote to never hear sound again rather than hear Erica speak 6 meaningless sentences on a ridiculous Reality television show.

Erica mentions that she sees an astrologist who told her that she was going to win Bachelor Pad. I don’t know a ton about Astrology, but I do believe the winning results of Reality TV shows are written in the stars. I remember telling my friends that a cluster of stars looked a lot like Warren Sapp dancing and that Warren Sapp was going to win Dancing with the Stars. My friends didn’t listen. They’re stupid.

Erica then continues to try to rape Blake. Blake tries to talk her out of her advances and says that, if he sleeps with another girl, he’d be “The most flip-floppingest, wafflingest person ever”. My stupid 2009 computer doesn’t recognize ‘flip-floppingest’ or ‘wafflingest’.

Back at the house, Holly cries a lot because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings.

Blake leaves the church rather than have sex with Erica. It’s a stunning upset.

The next day, Blake and Erica try to leverage their power to save another couple into being saved. They give the roses to the ultimate power couple, Casey Mumbles and Vienna, who promise to save them.

Ella cries a lot and I don’t have the strength to recap any part of that.

Casey and Vienna do not try to save them. Blake and Erica are voted off. After they are voted off, Vienna says, “Well, we tried” and Casey mumbles, “No we didn’t”.

Erica is stunned to be voted off. She says, “Tonight was a great injustice.” I agree with Erica. Tonight was a great injustice. She just articulates everything so perfectly.

Holly passes Blake a note on the way out. It’s a dot-dot-dot on their relationship together. If you understand that reference, you watch too much television.

Next week is the merciful season finale.