Three of the worst episodes remain in this season of the Bachelorette . This is like biking 1,000 miles in the Tour de France and finding out that you now get to start climbing the mountains.
I hate Ashley H. and the three remaining men on the show. ABC also tells us right off the bat that one of the old contestants is coming back.
(Please don’t let it be Mickey.)
The group flies to Fiji so that Ashley can have sex with the guys and then dump one of them. There is very little actual content remaining on the show so ABC spends a lot of time recapping the same crap we’ve already seen. It’s not fair. I have no content to write about but I don’t repeat myself and, I never repeat myself, ever. I always keep things fresh and never repeat stuff. Even last paragraph, I wrote about one of the contestants coming back. Do you guys remember that? I wrote about how one of the contestants is coming back.
We begin our journey with Ryan coming back to stalk Ashley. I’d love to go on about how he’s a stalker and a psycho but there’s no way ABC didn’t put him up to this. This show is a miracle. They have zero respect for their viewers. I am glad that Ryan is back because he never finished extolling the benefits of tankless water heaters. People really do need to be aware of tankless water heaters. My computer doesn’t even recognize ‘tankless’ as a word.
Ryan begs Ashley to take him back. Ashley hears him out with a lot of head nodding. It’s clear that she’s a bit freaked out by his return. He gives her his room number in Fiji and asks her to think things over. Then he goes outside so cameras can capture him thinking by a waterfall.
(Please don’t let it be Mickey.)
The group flies to Fiji so that Ashley can have sex with the guys and then dump one of them. There is very little actual content remaining on the show so ABC spends a lot of time recapping the same crap we’ve already seen. It’s not fair. I have no content to write about but I don’t repeat myself and, I never repeat myself, ever. I always keep things fresh and never repeat stuff. Even last paragraph, I wrote about one of the contestants coming back. Do you guys remember that? I wrote about how one of the contestants is coming back.
We begin our journey with Ryan coming back to stalk Ashley. I’d love to go on about how he’s a stalker and a psycho but there’s no way ABC didn’t put him up to this. This show is a miracle. They have zero respect for their viewers. I am glad that Ryan is back because he never finished extolling the benefits of tankless water heaters. People really do need to be aware of tankless water heaters. My computer doesn’t even recognize ‘tankless’ as a word.
Ryan begs Ashley to take him back. Ashley hears him out with a lot of head nodding. It’s clear that she’s a bit freaked out by his return. He gives her his room number in Fiji and asks her to think things over. Then he goes outside so cameras can capture him thinking by a waterfall.
Ashley’s first date in Fiji is with Ben. She thinks about Ben on a pier. And I know what you guys are thinking. You’re thinking, “How do you know she’s thinking about Ben on a pier?” Well guys, they showed her on a pier and she was thinking and then you heard a voice over of Ashley talking about Ben. She was either thinking about Ben or it was all a huge coincidence.
Ben and Ashley go on a boat. Ben declares that he is a more ‘open and emotional Ben’. I noticed it. I’m glad he did. Ashley begs Ben to put lotion on her back. Then, he rubs some on her boob. Then, they have sex on National Television. I wonder if there’s someone watching this show in a Hospital Emergency Waiting room. Think of how awkward it would be to bring in your 8-year old with a 104 degree temperature to the E.R. and then the Bachelorette teaches them what sex is. Maybe it would be convenient.
Ben and Ashley do some snorkeling. The Pirates are playing the Braves on ESPN right now. They’re in first place and I’m watching two idiots snorkeling.
When they’re done snorkeling, they eat outside with, I’m guessing, 5 million flies. Ben tells Ashley that he’s falling in love with her because he’d like to be the next Bachelor after their 3-month relationship. At the very least, I’ll bet he’d like to get on the Bachelor Pad. He’s halfway through telling her that he loves her, but he chickens out and goes in for a kiss.
Ashley busts out the Fantasy Suite card. If you’ve never seen the Bachelor/Bachelorette before, when there are only 3 contestants left, they each get a hotel room with the main slut to bump and grind. They don’t bring the cameras into the bedroom to film carnal acts, but they do tape about 40 minutes of make outs and pool groping. It’s uncomfortable.
Ashley’s next date is with the other Josh Groban. Josh Groban has been moving much slower than J.P. and Josh Groban. Ashley is concerned that they’re running out of time to connect.
Their date begins with a helicopter ride and it’s about damn time. There has been almost no helicopter action this season.
Their date begins with a helicopter ride and it’s about damn time. There has been almost no helicopter action this season.
Their helicopter flies over Ryan, standing on a coral reef. It has been a couple of days and Ryan hasn’t heard from Ashley. He’s so lucky.
Josh Groban and Ashley jump off of a waterfall. Ashley equates the action with the leap that one takes falling in love. It’s not entirely accurate because it’s very hard to catch a venereal disease jumping off of a waterfall.
Ashley and Josh Groban are eating dinner. Ashley begs Josh Groban to tell her that he loves her. He talks about how he’s kind of just hanging out. Ashley again inquires about his level of interest in her. Josh Groban begins his “I’m about to dump you” speech. Just as Josh Groban is about to dump her, President Barack Obama interrupts the show to tell America that we all need to start growing our own food. It’s a 15-minute cliff hanger. I’m mad because I was really into Josh Groban dumping Ashley. Luckily, ABC assures us that we’ll see the dumping in its entirety.
We return mid-dumping and Josh Groban pulls a thumbs-up “I’m outskie!” Ashley takes the dumping quite well for a woman with no self-esteem. She cuts herself under the table.
The next day, Ashley shows up at Ryan’s hotel because producers needed to fill the 20-minute hole that was reserved for Ashley and Josh Groban’s Fantasy Suite pool escapade. Ashley admits to Ryan that Josh Groban went home last night, but she says that Josh Groban went home because they both felt like the relationship was going nowhere. She tries to play it off like it was some mutual revelation. As I recall, Ashley begged Josh Groban to show an interest in her for an hour, and then he got sick of her face and left. I hope she sees how stupid she looks watching that back.
Ryan asks to get back on the show but Ashley declines the invitation. Ryan cries again. He talks to the camera about how much he needs someone in his life. He says, “It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” The Pirates are up 2-0 on the Braves in the 4th. Also, our country doesn’t have any money. It’s been a busy night.
Ashley has her final date of the night with J.P. They take a plane to an island. They were already on a beautiful island, but ABC decided they needed to take a plane to a different island. This is why our country doesn’t have any money. We could have used that cash to make a few hundred car engines.
J.P. and Ashley play on the beach and he laments the fact that his girlfriend is humping other guys in Fantasy Suite pools. Then, they make out in the ocean. It may have been a lagoon. This show never ends. At one point, they’re kissing in the water and we watch the passion from a camera in the water. ABC threw some waders on a poor camera guy and made him hold a 200-pound camera in the middle of the ocean. It’s like they don’t have zoom lenses. They need to get a shot right over J.P.’s shoulder as he jams his tongue down Ashley’s throat. I wish so badly that the President would interrupt us with a report about a planet-destroying comet.
J.P. and Ashley eat dinner outside. He says that it’s the most romantic setting. Clearly, he didn’t hear about Bean Bag Face’s theory on Magnolia trees.
J.P. tells the camera that he’s in love with Ashley but he’s not ready to tell her yet. I know that I’ve been watching this show for one hundred seasons and I’m not ready to hear it. Ashley tells J.P. that she’s already sent two guys home. J.P. gets excited because he thinks he’s now the only dude left. Silly Ashley was just having some fun, though. She reveals that Ryan came back and was sent home to fill 20 minutes of programming. They have a good laugh together.
When they’re done eating, they go to their hotel room to have sex. I could not be an ABC camera guy. They have to stand in these Fantasy Suite rooms and get up close to a man straddling a woman. I’m uncomfortable watching from my living room, I can’t imagine being 8-feet away and hearing all of the noises.
The three dates are over and there are still 30 minutes left in this sink hole. It must be time for a Chris Harrison interview. The jerk explains to the portion of the audience with no short-term memory what they just watched.
Then Chris Harrison points out that there are two guys left and two roses, but they’re still having a Rose Ceremony. He asks “Why?”
I raise my hand at home and say, “Because there is no content in this soulless venture that has gone 8 seasons too long!” Ashley interrupts my answer and talks about how important the fake rose ceremony will be to give the guys another chance to dump her. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s exactly what she says. She says that she wants to give the two remaining contestants one last chance to dump her. I know I just repeated myself, but I need to be clear on this. Ashley, a woman dumped about 4 times this season, wants to give her final two contestants another chance to dump her. I thought America had problems.
I raise my hand at home and say, “Because there is no content in this soulless venture that has gone 8 seasons too long!” Ashley interrupts my answer and talks about how important the fake rose ceremony will be to give the guys another chance to dump her. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s exactly what she says. She says that she wants to give the two remaining contestants one last chance to dump her. I know I just repeated myself, but I need to be clear on this. Ashley, a woman dumped about 4 times this season, wants to give her final two contestants another chance to dump her. I thought America had problems.
Ashley starts off the Rose Ceremony by telling the truth about being dumped by the other Josh Groban. Then, she begs one of the guys to dump her. Both men decline to do so. They must be drugged.
A quick heads up to both of my readers: The ‘Men tell all’ episode is Sunday night and the finale of the show is in one week on Monday night. There is no two-week wait for the final episode. It’s almost over, everyone. Perhaps ABC is as sick of Ashley as I am. Also, the Pirates held on to beat the Braves 3-1.
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