Bachelorette Recap - Pigeons and Lies in Venice

8 contestants remain in our roulette wheel of love. Andi Dorfman is watching her silver ball bounce around while hoping for the best. So far, there’s been some drama, some death and a whole lotta smoochee-poo. This show is like a drive-in movie parking lot.

Andi has taken her boyfriends to Venice. Andi says that Venice is the perfect place to fall in love because that’s the only thing anyone ever says. The preview promises more drama. There’s just so much drama. The only thing worse than drama is Venetian drama.

There’s water everywhere in Venice. Someone needs to fix a sump pump. Venice looks like it would smell like rot. Andi sits in a gondola so cameras can capture her thinking about love. We see it. The guys ride in on a boat. One of them yells out Andi’s name. Chris the farmer is wearing pink shorts again. This guy likes his pink trousers.

Andi runs up to her boyfriends to announce that Nick V. gets the first one-on-one date. Cody is super bummed because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet. Andi’s other boyfriends feel bad for Cody because he hasn’t had a chance to take their girlfriend out alone. You know the old saying; Bros before District Attorneys.

For 20 minutes Andi tells the camera how she isn’t sure about Nick’s intentions. She’s concerned that he’s here for the wrong reasons. I’m concerned too, you guys. Andi and Nick V. hug on a bridge. Then, they look at buildings and buy pizza. Keep up!

Just when you’re about to swallow your tongue from all of the excitement, they feed pigeons AND A PIGEON LANDS ON NICK V’S. HEAD! I need a prescription for Lipitor to watch this show.

I look away for a brief second and they’re in a gondola. The guys rowing the gondolas are wearing the same thing the mimes wore last week. Maybe, it’s a mime work release or intern program. The mimes must silently row boats to master the art of fake boat rowing.

Andi and Nick V. make out in their gondola. The gondola ride is ever lasting. If you are ever on death row and they give you a last request, you should ask to watch Andi and Nick V’s gondola ride. You’ll never die because it lasts forever.

Venice doesn’t allow ABC to put a camera guy in the gondola with the happy couple so we get various shots of their gondola ride from bridges, sidewalks and adjacent gondolas. I feel like ‘Adjacent Gondolas’ would be a great band name.

Just before the sun burns out, they get out of the gondola. Nick V. is wearing a tuxedo so they can eat on TV. Andi’s dress looks like it would be flame retardant. ABC gives them a private dinner in a Venetian masquerade hall. There are curtains on the window, not Venetian blinds. I question this show’s authenticity.

Andi and Nick V. talk about how he was a jerk last week. He was, you guys. Nick V. was a sour puss. You guys probably forgot all about it, but I didn’t. I set aside a little time each day to think about how Nick V. was Mr. Salty Pants. I barely ate.

Andi and Nick V. work through his psychopath issues. He explains that he’s just falling in love so the other guys think he’s a jerk. Andi cries. I don’t cry. I blink a bunch and no tears come out, so it doesn’t count. Andi really likes Nick V. They make out some more and he gets a date rose. Neither of the two bothers to eat their food. Between the candle burning and food wasting, this show will single-handedly destroy this earth’s resources.

Some dude outside plays an accordion for Andi and Nick V. They put on masquerade masks so they can dance. Nick V. comments that he might be putting a mask on, but he took off his metaphoric mask while they weren’t eating. Such word play. Andi says, “It’s very hard not to fall in love in Venice.” That’s why I never go to Venice with my dad.

After the mask/ pigeon date, Andi reads her third secret admirer note. It has not yet been revealed who the secret admirer yet. It’s a huge mystery. I’ve set aside some time each day to try and figure out who it could be. I’m stumped, you guys.

The group date is next. Andi takes 6 of her boyfriends to a castle so she can put them through a lie detector test. It’s super intense. There are two intimidating Italian guys who hook Andi’s boyfriends up to a machine so she can make sure they’re here for the right reasons.

To be a good sport, Andi takes the test first. They ask her if she likes Italy and if she likes her boyfriends. I was super nervous for her.

The guys are asked if they’re ready for marriage and whether or not they came on a televised game show for the wrong reason. Dylan admitted he has had sex with more than 20 women but doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom.

After being grilled by Italians, Dylan leaves the group date. He says his stomach hurts. It doesn’t look like his stomach hurts. It looks like he lied a lot and wants to leave. Andi doesn’t act like it’s weird at all that one of her boyfriends took a lie detector test and then ran away to a hotel. I haven’t been a part of the dating scene in a long time. I guess that’s normal behavior.

Chris the farmer admits that he’s the one writing the secret admirer letters. He’s bummed because it will be revealed in front of everyone that he wears bright pink shorts and writes secret admirer notes.

The results come in. Andi lied about loving Italy and thinking her game show boyfriends really want to marry her. Andi takes her envelope of guy results and rips them up. It is a sign that she trusts her boyfriends. She says, “I trust y’all.” Dylan ran away for the wrong reasons.

Back at the hotel, Cody and Nick V. sit in a sauna together. Cody talks about how he doesn’t like Nick V. Then, why did he get into a sauna with him? Was that contractual? Did ABC make them sauna together? Can you make ‘sauna’ a verb? I’d hate to be the camera guy who had to stand in the 96 degree sauna with a 100lb camera and film two shirtless guys staring at each other.

We’re back on the group date. Andi and Coach Brian give each other hand lie detector tests. Coach asks her if she wants to make out and she does so they do. They make out. With Coach’s teeth fresh on her taste buds, Andi makes out with Marcus. Lot’s of slurping there. They like each other, I think. I don’t know. Everyone lies on this show so it’s hard to tell.

Josh M. is super worked up over the lie detector test so Andi thinks that he’s up to something. I’m pretty sure that the professional baseball player with abs is up to something. Andi is questioning her feelings. I’m questioning her feelings too, you guys. Andi is upset and the music shows it. The music is all, “Andi is confused, y’all!” Andi cries to the camera because her televised dating show doesn’t seem sincere.

Chris the farmer pulls Andi aside to smooth everything over. He admits that he’s the secret admirer. Andi is all giggles over this revelation. She really digs the farmer! Get it? Digs? You guys are jerks. Andi and Chris the farmer make out. He feels relieved that he got that huge burden off of his farmer chest. Andi gives Chris the farmer the group date rose. If he was really a farmer, he’d plant the rose to grow a rose bush. Then, everyone would get a rose. It’s like the old saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for day, teach a man to fish and he’ll give you a group date rose.”

After Chris the farmer gets his group date rose, JJ talks about how he doesn’t want to congratulate other guys for getting further with his girlfriend. The boyfriends attack JJ for his honesty. I yell out, “Stop disliking your girlfriend’s other boyfriends!” Chris the farmer swears at JJ and points in his face to earn 10 points.

Cody’s one-on-one date is next. They go to the birth place of Romeo and Juliet, which is amazing because Romeo and Juliet are fictional characters… unless they brought them to life somehow like Jurassic Park? Did that happen? Are Romeo and Juliet alive? Did Romeo and Juliet go on a rampage and kill Samuel Jackson and Newman? Answer me!

Cody and Andi walk into a building. It’s the place in Italy that collects letters to Juliet sent from around the world. People read and respond to the letters Juliet receives. I guess some people just write letters to Juliet, address them to Venice, stick a stamp on them and mail them. I’m sure these people will appreciate Cody the meat head reading their letters on TV and then writing them back.

Cody writes a really touching letter and makes Andi happy. Cody is happy too. He cries. I didn’t cry.

So this Italy building is full of people who read and respond to desperate letters from people who put their trust into a fictional character. How does this place stay in business? Is there money in responding to letters? How many jobs are created by this industry? Can I make money on the side writing back to all of the people in the world who have written letters to Santa or Ricky Henderson? (Sports quote filled)

After reading letters, Andi and Cody go to a big lawn to eat on TV. Cody is not afraid of wearing shirts that show off his chest. This guy owns zero ties. Andi wears pants that make it look like she’s not wearing pants. Cody reads Andi a private letter. It’s not too private because millions of people are watching it happen while choking back tears.

Cody says, “I want Andi to meet the real Cody.” I guess the real Cody refers to himself in the third person. He wants Andi to meet his family. I hope his entire family has huge shoulders and puffy blonde hair.

Cody is pouring his heart out to Andi. He’s going 60 miles per hour about his feelings for her. He’s super happy and glowing while Andi is Mrs. Salty Pants. She stops Cody mid-sentence and dumps him. Cody got caught in the friend zone. Hey, if you’re dating a girl who is dating a dozen guys, someone’s getting caught in the friend zone.

Cody takes the dumping well. He lets Andi off the hook and thanks her for dumping him on TV. Back at the hotel, the other guys see the Bachelor interns carry away Cody’s luggage and they’re all like, “Woah!” Josh M. is sitting on a hotel couch wearing a winter hat. It must be cold in their hotel room. Cody doesn’t cry in the limo.

The cocktail party is next. The guys sit around and drink wine in the oldest winery in Verona. Dylan pours himself a glass of wine and I notice that the label says 2008. If the winery is so old, couldn’t they do better than 2008? Andi calls the winery the epitome of romance. I can’t really argue. I feel bad for all of the jerks who bring girls to the second oldest winery in Verona. Losers. Way to fall short of the peak of romance.

Nick V. grabs Andi right away to make out in a room. The other boyfriends are mad at Nick V. for pulling their girlfriend into the other room to make out. Andi is totally into it. She says, “That’s a man.” Andi might be a tough as nails District Attorney but, when it comes to making out, you are free to approach the bench.

Dylan the liar is mad so he goes and grabs Andi from Nick V. The other guys cheer him on, immediately after chastising Nick V. for grabbing their girlfriend. This show is confusing.

Dylan makes out with her. Then, Marcus makes out with her. After that, JJ makes out with her. Coach Brian reads her a love letter. She is being full-on courted!

Chris Harrison comes out of moth balls to conduct a one-on-one interview with Andi. It took him 100 minutes to get involved. They sit in a room with a roaring fire and 3 million candles. I swear, it must be freezing in Venice with all of the winter hats and fire. Harrison starts out the interview with a pickle of a question.

“How nice is all of this?”

Andi responds by saying, “This is Italy.”

Keep up!

Harrison and Andi recap everything we’ve just watched. We watch them talking about the things we’ve just watched. Andi admits that her boyfriends might not all be on the same page as her. It’s about time she admitted that. She says that this is the hardest thing she's ever done in her life. Law school must be easy.

After their gripping conversation, Andi looks at the pictures of her boyfriends to help her decide who to dump. It’s kind of like a fast food menu. They show you pictures of the food so you can be all, “Oh yeah! I want a double cheeseburger.”

The rose ceremony is next. Before dumping one of her boyfriends, Andi gives them a speech. She says, “This is about the future and this is what has to happen in order to realize that future.” It’s pretty deep, you guys.

Andi dumps JJ the pants guy approximately 17 minutes after making out with him like a puppy cleaning peanut butter from a spoon. JJ is super sad, despite his perfect pants. It’s emotional. You know you’ve made it far on this show when the Bachelorette takes you out to a bench to explain why she dumped you.

JJ takes it well. They hug. No points for hugs. JJ thanks Andi for everything and then gets into his confessional limo. JJ doesn’t cry. Andi is all broken up until 11 seconds later when she’s cheering with her boyfriends over their new destination. This party is heading to Brussels. Brussels is going to be off the hook. There will be so much drama next week. You guys have no idea.

Bachelorette Recap - Racism and Mimes

Following a bye week, we’re back for more Bachelorette action. Boom! Sports quota filled in the first sentence.

When we left Andi Dorfman, she still hadn’t found love. Still! She dumped some of her boyfriends and one of them died. 11 contestants remain. By the way, I’m aware that Tasos cried after getting kicked off of the show so, if you drafted Tasos on your Fantasy team, you will get the five points.

Andi has taken her love bunch to Marseille, France. That’s where they signed the Treaty of Marseille. The preview footage promises tonight will be super dramatic. Another dramise from ABC. We’re reminded that Andrew is here for the wrong reasons. We’re also given a sneak peak at someone yelling Andi’s name on top of a French mountain. I’m so mad at myself for not making that worth at least 5 points.

We get exclusive video footage of Andi walking around France and thinking. Fulfilling Bachelorette contract terms, Andi tells the camera that France is the perfect place to fall in love. She may actually be right. I’ve heard things about that France.

Chris Harrison works overtime with a sit-down interview with Andi. Harrison wears a turtle neck because he’s in France. Harrison asks Andi if she’s falling in love. She says, “Stop!” He keeps going. After swearing, Andi says that she’s falling in love with more than one guy. You guys, falling in love means you don’t fall in love with more than one person. I guess television love is different than real life love. I think ‘Real Life Love’ is a Stevie Wonder song.

Pro Baseball player Josh M. gets the first one-on-one date. There will be lots of making out. To give the viewers a flavor of France, ABC shows us people selling eels and laundry hanging up on outside clotheslines. It’s exactly how I pictured France.

Andi and Josh go out on a sail boat. I can’t believe I didn’t give out points for boat rides. I guess, if they jump in the ocean and have sex, they’ll get 10 points. Josh and Andi do make out while their boat floats. I’m not sure who is steering. It’s a sail boat and I’m pretty sure people have to work hard to keep those things going. Sail boats do not run on ‘Make Out’ power. ABC doesn’t feel obligated to give the hard working sail boat crew credit. I’ll give them credit. Good job, sail boat crew. If you drafted a team in my league, you each get 4 points!

Andi and Josh get off their boat to sit on a bench. It’s cold and windy. They talk. Because it’s windy and they’re wearing microphones, all you hear is “whoooooosh”. They talk about Josh’s baseball career. Andi is worried that her feelings for Josh are only physical. I’m worried too, you guys!

Back at the hotel, the other boyfriends are gossiping. JJ tells Marquel that Andrew, the guy everyone hates, called the black guys “Blackies”. That’s a no-no! Marquel is super upset and plans to confront Andrew on his racism. Now that’s drama, ABC!

Marquel is so upset that cameras capture him by himself, thinking about how upset he is. He stands on a balcony and then paces, thinking about how to confront Andrew. Marquel even kind of cries. He does. He cries. He gets 5 points. Unfortunately, Andrew is now the guy everyone hates. For that, Andrew gets 5 points.

We’re back to the one-on-one date. Keep up! Andi and Josh wear nice clothes to eat dinner on TV. They’re in a French castle with statues of people without shirts. Those French love their nudity. Andi is hoping for a deep conversation. She’s on the wrong show.

Josh says, “I want you to know everything about me.” Andi says, “Pour it on.” Then, Josh doesn’t really say anything about himself. He talks about the time he was cheated on. He says, “I was like… woah!” There are a lot of sentence fragments. Their conversation is very much like my recaps. It only makes sense if you’re drunk or stupid. I’m assuming none of you have read down this far.

Josh is super focused on love and says, “The next time I say ‘I love you’, it’s not just gonna be ‘I love you’.” I re-think everything I know about love. When they’re done talking, Andi gives Josh a rose. She knows him so much better now. Then, they make out. It’s slurpy.

Andi and Josh get a private concert from Ben Fields. Josh owners get 10 points. I was excited because, at first, I thought the private concert was by Ben Folds. I’d watch a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. Hell, I have watched a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. But, it’s Ben Fields, not Ben Folds. Just two little letters off from happiness. Vowels are amazing like that.

Ben Fields seems nice. I didn’t even hate his music. It’s too bad he has to watch two horn balls make out while he sings and plays his guitar.

The group date is next. Chris the farmer wears bright pink shorts for the group date. I’m pretty sure, if you’re a farmer and you wear pink shorts, you’re not a farmer anymore. Again, I don’t farm.

Andi has something fun planned. I know I’m pretty cynical, but the group date is actually a complete hoot. They… they… Sorry, I’m laughing a ton because the date is so super goofy. Sorry, I’ll pull it together. They… sorry… they go to a Mime class! You guys, mimes!

Andi and the boys receive miming lessons from mimes. I guess, France? Mimes are French? Nice legacy, France; long bread, Joan of Arc and Mimes. Some other stuff, too.

Andi says that the mimes will teach them about relationships because mimes communicate non-verbally. Chris the farmer doesn’t know what mimes do because there are no mimes in Iowa. Well, there you go, kids. If you’re thinking about going to college and you want a job in a wide open field with tons of opportunity, go to the Colorado School of Mimes (inside joke)!



Mimes instruct the men how to mime. Andi translates what the mimes are saying. The mime teachers make the guys mime out in public in front of the French. The guys are nervous because miming is a big deal in France. It’s like eating cheeseburgers here. You don’t want to do that wrong. You’ll get stabbed.

Marquel is having a difficult time on the group mime date because he still hasn’t confronted Andrew on calling him ‘Blackie’ behind his back. It’s dramatic. Luckily, no one can talk. Marquel does good miming, I think. I have no idea. I wish I was drunk.

The guys suck at miming. They look down their French noses at the American mimes. I think we, as a country, would be more forgiving if the French came here and tried to battle rap or something.

After the miming… and, guys, it was a total hoot! After the miming, everyone goes to a French place lit by candles to drink alcohol. JJ the pants guy takes Andi aside to ride a Ferris wheel. They look at France from their Ferris wheel. I think ‘Ferris’ is the French word for ‘wheel’, which would mean they’re on a wheel wheel. They make out.

During the wheel wheel ride, some of the guys yell at Nick V. because he’s grumpy and arrogant. There’s a lot of bleeping and use of the word ‘bro’. Cody yells at Nick V. and points in his face. He does it 4 times. That’s 10 points a point. Cody racks up 40 points.

Andi pulls Chris the farmer aside to ask about the Nick V. drama. Why the hell do you read these? I can’t even follow them.

Cody pulls Andi aside and tells her that Nick V. is here for the wrong reasons. Cody gets 20 more points. Cody is like the Spurs of tonight, as opposed to the Spurs being the Spurs of last night. For the record, I don’t agree with Nick V. being there for the wrong reasons so he doesn’t get 21 points. He’s here for the right reasons. Get over it! He just has a sparkle and he won’t let go of it. He maintains possession of his sparkle. Nick V. gets 10 points!!!!!!!1!!!!eleventy1!!!!!!

Nick V. smoothes things over with Andi, admitting that he punked off Cody. Andi isn’t completely convinced that Nick V. is being sincere. She’s pissed. He pulls out a poem to read it to Andi. I say out loud, “Wrong time to read a poem, bro!” I was wrong, Andi smiles and makes out with him ‘cause she loves her poem. One more point for Nick V. Andi says Nick V. is “Causing a ruckus. Causing a ruckus in my mind.” It sounds like a Country Western song lyric.

After poem time, Marcus gets to make out with Andi. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. It’s been done.

After that... keep up! After that, Marquel decides to confront Andrew about the ‘Blackie’ comment. We’ll call it Blackie-gate. The whole thing reminds me of a skit SNL did about Michael Jordan being the first Harlem Globetrotter. I’d post it but Lorne Michaels would shut my blog down. What would both of you do without my blog?

Marquel doesn’t pull Andrew aside to discuss this. He does it in front of the group. He tells Andrew he was offended when Andrew said, “He picked the two Blackies.” This show tackles the real issues. Andrew laughs and denies saying anything like ‘Blackies’. Marquel gets more angry and upset. Andrew denies it more. Marquel says, “I really appreciate that.” That’s it. That’s all that happens. It’s more awkward than dramatic. All of Andi’s other boyfriends applaud Marquel for how he handled the awkward thing that just happened. I hate this show.

Andrew tells Andi about the thing he did or didn’t say. ABC uses super dramatic music to highlight the drama we’ve just seen. It’s stupid. Andi gives JJ the group date rose. He takes it. JJ is happy. I’m a bit unhappy.

Coach Brian gets the next one-on-one date. Cody wishes his girlfriend’s other boyfriend good luck on his date. Cody says, “Have fun. You’re in France, bro.” That was my yearbook quote.

Coach Brian and Andi walk into a French theater. ABC needs to make a million dollars on a movie called ‘The 100 Foot Journey’. We see clips of the movie about young lovers who cook and fall in love. Andi and Coach Brian watch the movie and then cook and fall in love. We basically watch a 6 minute commercial. Andi cooks us up a metaphor by saying, “There’s a recipe for love.” I hate this show. I hate this show so much. My hate is a comet.

To make the date super fun, ABC makes Andi and Coach Brian shop for a bunch of disgusting and unusual ingredients to cook a meal. They pick up frog legs. Frog legs… because they’re in France? No wonder the French hate us. They give us a nice statue and we jet our filthy game show contestants into their country to stereotype them with imitation miming and frog leg cooking. ABC is setting back Amero-France relations.

Coach Brian doesn’t like cooking. Andi likes the cooking. She tries to have fun with it but Coach Brian is all coachey. Andi is sad. A master of words, Andi says, “Everything’s cooking, the kitchen is getting hot but, things aren’t really heating up with Brian right now.” I wish I could somehow punch the Earth.

These stupid puns drive me nuts. Do they have writers for this crap? Do producers prompt Andi to compare everything to what she’s doing at the moment? If she’s butchering baby cows on a date, would she say, “I calf to say, it’s going really well!”? Is there no end to their puns?

Andi is upset but decides to give Brian another chance. They ditch their gross food and go out to eat real French food. Coach Brian is back in his comfort zone and does better. Andi forgives him for the 4 seconds he wasn’t incredible. It must be hard when you date people for 30 minutes at a time. With food in their mouths, they make out. Correction, they French! GET IT, GUYS? THEY FRENCH! ‘CAUSE THEY’RE IN FRANCE??!!! You guys are jerks.

Coach Brian gets a rose and pulls Andi aside to dance in France. They French some more in a French kitchen. It’s super Frenching. My wife says Coach Brian is her favorite because he’s genuinely in love with Andi. Coach Brian is here for the right reasons. That’s good for the newspapers, but that doesn’t get you bonus points in a Fantasy Bachelorette League.

The cocktail party is supposed to be next, but first we get ANOTHER ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS HARRISON. This Harrison guy must be exhausted. Two one-on-ones with Andi, AND he still has to warn people when there is only one rose left.

Andi tells Chris Harrison that she’s cancelling the cocktail party because she knows who she’s sending home. She says she’s sending home three guys. But, there’s supposed to be a cocktail party? We’re skipping straight to the rose ceremony. This show has no rules. It’s a rule-less steel cage match. While Harrison is telling the guys about the canceled cocktail party, ABC plays the type of dramatic music you would use to score a bear chewing its own foot off to escape a trap.


Before the cocktail party, ABC previews a new game show hosted by former Bachelor Josh Groban. They also preview their smutfest ‘Bachelor in Paradise. It looks like the worst thing ever. I’m not going to recap it unless all of you mail me a five dollar bill. I’m not kidding. Real US currency only. Y’all can go to hell.

The Rose Ceremony happens. Marquel, Andrew and some guy I have never once seen before go home. They say a guy named Patrick was on the show. I don’t believe it. He’s gone now, anyway.

Andrew blames his exit on being bullied by his girlfriend’s other boyfriends. Marquel blames God, kind of. He says it wasn’t in God’s plan. If God is up there planning the winners for ‘The Bachelorette’, it would explain all of the war and unchecked drug use going on down here.

Marquel cries and gets 5 more points. He wants love, real bad. He tells the camera that he’s nothing special. I disagree. Marquel was really good at the miming thing. He should go to Iowa.

Next week, the group goes to Venice and a couple of the guys wear scarves. Updated Fantasy scoring is here, or soon to be here.

Bachelorette Recap - Deathiest Episode Ever

Back to back episodes of the Bachelorette. I apologize in advance for your eyes. Andi Dorfman’s journey for love continues to spiral out of control while America helplessly watches with fingernails firmly entrenched between teeth.

13 guys remain in this love trek. Sources close to the Bachelorette have informed me that we get two episodes this week so they can make room for the NBA Finals next week. I think they should have showed the game and the Bachelorette at the same time in split screen. They could have called it the N-Bach-A Finals. Can you tell that, after years of recapping this show, I’m completely out of ideas?

Andi and her boyfriends are magically whisked away to beautiful and exotic Connecticut.

Connecticut? What, was there a convention or something in College Station, TX? Is the Bachelorette budget running thing? Can we expect one of the dates to include free lunches in Cazenovia Park and a trip to a Red Box?

Andi walks around in Connecticut wearing hooker boots. I heard Connecticut is the hooker boot capital of the world. Chris the farmer says that he’s always wanted to visit Connecticut. Dream big, kids. You never know what you’ll accomplish.

The guys pile into their hotel and cuddle with each other on the couch and in the tub. I’m not kidding about that. These guys are such good friends. It’s nice that they don’t let a little something like dating the same girl get in the way of their close kinship.

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. The guys cheer and hi-five him. I’ll bet they all hope he gets some boobage. My computer doesn’t know what boobage is. How come my computer can ask my to update iTunes four times a day but it can’t learn proper Bachelor lingo?

Dylan and Andi get on a steam train. ABC forces them to operate the steam train to give them an opportunity to draw a parallel between love and steam trains. Andi seizes the opportunity by suggesting their relationship “might pick up a little steam.” I spend 30 minutes running around my living and punching things.

Andi and Dylan drink on their steam train. I wish that was my yearbook quote. Dylan is excited about his train ride but he’s equally eager to tell Andi about his deceased siblings. He was waiting for the perfect chance to tell his story. Everyone knows that the best chance to reveal your tragedies is on a steam train. The steam helps to cleanse the memories.

While relaying the story about his brother, Dylan shuts down and enters a dark place. That’s the way it seems anyway. Dylan refrains from telling his story.

When they’re done with their steam train ride, they walk over to a different train to eat dinner. Dylan is from Connecticut, so he is completely comfortable moving from steam train to steam train.

Andi can tell something is wrong and yells at Dylan for being weird. Dylan takes the hint and tells the story of his sister and brother dying of drug overdoses. It’s super sad. Dylan does break down and cries to earn 5 points. I really intended the ‘tear’ points to count for people who were kicked off the show, but tears are tears.

This is the third time we’ve heard Dylan’s story and it’s pretty devastating each time. I don’t think I’d be able to tell that with a camera trained on me without blowing up. Andi feels like a super big prick for coaxing him into telling it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but she brings it up. They don’t even eat their food, by the way.

After telling his sad and endearing tale, I’m pretty sure Dylan is going to be around for awhile. My wife almost ran into the other room to write him a letter. I’m not at all saying he didn’t go through hell, but he’s totally the man to beat at this moment. He’s like the California Chrome of the Bachelorette. Sports quota filled.

The group date is next. Andi and eleven of her boyfriends play basketball.

“I have never been on a date with 10 other guys before.” – Chris the farmer

ABC brings in some WNBA players to school these chumps. Many of them are ridiculously attractive. I need to watch more WNBA. The ladies beat the men 30-to-8. Then they decide to have mercy and split up the guys to play against each other. The winning team gets a date with Andi later that night. Losers go home. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple. There is so much sports going on. Its team Rosebuds Vs. team Five Little Hearts. They even drag a PA announcer and a ref from a local bar to call out the starting rosters and officiate the game.

The basketball happens. It happens on your TV. ABC provides the same music that every low budget SciFi movie used in the 1980s to score chase scenes. Its tied 6-6 at halftime. I’ve seen elementary school games with more scoring. Brian is a basketball coach, so he coaches. He says, “You have to take every quarter a quarter at a time.” I hope Brian doesn’t coach kids.

Brian’s Rosebuds cruise in the second half and win their date with Andi. I should point out that this basketball game was technically a date. This was a date carried out by a woman looking to get to know 11 different men in an attempt to find her soul mate. Everyone knows the best way to get to know someone is to watch them play basketball with 10 of your other boyfriends.

We get 10 solid minutes of the losing team lamenting their loss while the winning team celebrates in the other locker room. It’s epic television.

The victory date occurs in some kind of cocktail room located upstairs from the basketball court. Andi is happy that she can be closer to her boyfriends because there are only 5 of them. Good thinking, Andi. Here’s an idea. Only date one person. You REALLY get to know them without other boyfriends around. Also, if you want to find a husband, try doing it without a producer prompting you to ski, operate steam trains and stand on piers to think. I’m not sure if it’s possible to find love without a camera on the handle bars of your bicycle, but it’s worth a try.

Eric the Explorer gets one-on-one time with Andi. They discuss how they’ve grown apart since two weeks ago. It totally shows, you guys. They both dislike this gap that has grown. Eric tries to break out of the slump by talking about his family. He tells Andi that he took time off to visit all of them before coming onto the show, which is super sad considering he dies in a couple of weeks. I can’t imagine being his family and watching this. That would be torture. I REALLY hope they don’t read my recaps.


Brian takes Andi back down to the basketball court to teach her how to shoot a half court shot. She keeps calling him ‘Coach’. I don’t know if I would ever want a girl calling me ‘Coach’. Andi dares Coach to make a half court shot and he does. She’s super turned on and wants Coach to kiss her. He doesn’t. Coach loses.

Three seconds later, Andi is making out with Nick V. One point. Nick V. is totally enjoying the residual steam created by Coach’s half court shot. Coach does get the group date rose, even though he blew his chance at district attorney tongue.

Marcus gets the next one-on-one card. The date card says “the sky is the limit”. Because this is the Bachelorette, we know that these two kids will be forced to climb up or down something really tall in order to properly fall in love. Apparently Andi and Marcus are both terrified of heights. I’d like to meet the person who loves heights and is completely comfortable climbing giant buildings.

Specially trained technicians strap Andi and Marcus into climbing gear to prepare for their building climb. It’s super windy. Andi is upset and second guessing the date she supposedly planned.

What follows is 10 minutes of Andi freaking out and Marcus trying to reassure her that she’s not going to die. They’re both so terrified that there is no way they’re not completely falling head-over-heels in love with each other. I feel so stupid for never having climbed down a building with my wife. I don’t even know her. She’s probably completely wrong for me. You guys, I think I hate my wife. I need to find a tall building and some rope.

Marcus gets 10 points for climbing down a building. Why didn’t you draft a Fantasy team? You better do it in the fall.

Our happy couple worked up an appetite climbing down their building. They go to an Inn to eat on TV. They talk and there’s talking. Andi gives Marcus a rose because he encouraged her to not fall down the building. It was very supportive. They make out. Marcus is seriously racking up points.

Andi tells Marcus that he surpassed every expectation she had. He climbed down a building. Did she expect him to just abandon her on the roof? What were her expectations? Did she expect Marcus to rob a liquor store or throw a rock at the White House? Answer me!

Four seconds later, Marcus and Andi get a private concert from an ABC promoted country music band. Keep up. Marcus gets 10 more points! Marcus is like Wilt Chamberlain with fewer sexual partners. While they’re dancing to the country music, Marcus tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her. THAT’S SUPER EARLY! Woah! He skipped right past ‘connection’! He didn’t even pump the brakes while passing ‘connection’. ‘Connection’ wasn’t even on the road map. Marcus went straight to ‘love’. Those building climbs must really go straight to your heart. Bravo, ABC.

The next day, Andi gets a special note delivered to her hotel room. ABC even provides us with blurry, romantic footage of the secret admirer penning the letter while she reads it out loud. Andi is all, “Who could have sent me a secret admirer letter?” I’m guessing it’s one of her 13 boyfriends… or that angry dude who stalked out the Bachelor mansion in week one.

The cocktail party is next. We’ve had no drama in an episode where drama was promised. ABC promised drama. They made a dramise!!!! You guys!!! Dramise! I’m a genius. You guys have no idea. When my organs finally fail from the torture I put them through each week while watching this show, you’re gonna miss the special words I make up for you. You guys can have all of my stuff.

Tasos pulls Andi aside to get to know her better. They get to know each other. Coach pulls Andi aside to make out with her in an attempt to make up for not making out with her before. Please read that sentence again and again until it makes sense. One point for Coach for the make out session.

Marguel pulls Andi aside to talk. My wife says that Marquel is in the friend zone. My wife is usually smart about these things. I’ve been in the friend zone for 15 years. Marquel teaches Andi how to choke a man. I wish I was making that up.

Eric the Explorer interrupts to break up with Andi. He feels insecure that Andi doesn’t fall over backwards to please him when they’re alone together. Eric is kind of mad and feels like he Andi isn’t being real. He calls her a TV actress. Eric just became a lot less likeable in about four seconds.

Andi blows up and yells at Eric for calling her fake. Andi starts crying and threatens to kick him off of the show. He kind of agrees with the sentiment. This is kind of weird. For those who don’t know, it is common knowledge in the Bachelor community that Eric goes home tonight and soon dies in a paragliding accident. There will be a lot of talk about whether or not ABC should have even shown this scene. It doesn’t really put Eric in a good light. Eric the Explorer leaves. Weird.

Andi is all sorts of mad and goes into the other room to yell at her other boyfriends for something they didn’t do. This is why you never date a woman who is also dating 12 other guys. I’ll call it a Golden rule. Andi says “Y’all” about 19 times.

As Eric leaves, he walks without moving his arms. He might be a good explorer, but he’s terrible at walking. Work those arms. Build some momentum. Eric continues to bad mouth Andi as he leaves. ABC makes him take a cab home. You don’t get a limo if you don’t play nice.

The Rose Ceremony is supposed to be next, Y’all. It isn’t After the commercial Chris Harrison comes on to tell us that ABC didn’t feel right to show people getting roses with Eric dead. So, if you’re keeping score at home, it’s okay to show a guy act weird and upset the Bachelorette, but it’s not okay to show a rose ceremony. Way to stand your ground, ABC. You guys are moral compasses.

Chris Harrison and Andi talk about Eric the Explorer. They remember the 8 minutes of good times and regret the bad time. While Chris Harrison is asking Andi a question about Eric, he drops in some excellent product placement for the Mohegan Sun Resort in Connecticut. You can almost see the lawyer off-camera, pleading with him to mention the Mohegan Sun.

Andi cries because Eric the Explorer won’t be at the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. One less man will tell all. If I was a gambling man, and I am, I’m betting there will be an empty chair with a rose on it. By the way, while reminding us that they didn’t feel right announcing who left the show in light of Eric the Explorer’s death, Chris Harrison tells us that Tasos was voted off. But don’t pay attention to that information because it’s not an appropriate time to learn it.

That’s it. Dramise delivered. I just added ‘dramise’ to my computer’s dictionary so there will no longer be a red squiggly line underneath it. My computer is learning. We get a week off from The Bachelorette for NBA Finals action. I’ve always thought the NBA was fantastic.

If you have a Bachelorette Fantasy team, you can find the updated scoring here. The scores from last night’s show will be added soon if they’re not there already. Keep up!

Bachelorette Recap - I'll Make Love to You

The ABC promos for this week’s episode promised tons of drama. “Promise” might be the wrong word. It was more of a threat. They have threatened us with drama. I don’t think you guys are even ready for the drama. Maybe you should take a Dramamine! Get it? Dramamine!

I hate you guys.

Andi Dorfman is still looking for love. I know what you’re thinking, “Still? Greg, she’s been looking for love for weeks. Who can’t find love when given a bunch of guys and a couple of weeks? Is she some sort of deviant or narcissist?” Wow, I can’t believe you guys were thinking all of that. Why don’t you calm down and just read this recap.

In a preview of the drama, we hear Andi say, “If y’all don’t think this is real, then there’s the door. Because, this is real. Every single day, this is real to me. This is so real to me.” So, in case anyone was unclear, this is real.


16 contestants are still in the ring to duke it out for Andi’s heart. Tonight is part one of a “special” two night special. It’s “special” like kids who eat paste. Andi’s fun bunch is in Santa Barabara. Chris Harrison tells the group they’re going to Santa Barbara and they all clap because guys LOVE Santa Barbara. Chris Harrison tells the guys to enjoy Santa Barbara. I hope they do.

Nick V. gets the first one-on-one date. He’s on my Fantasy Team. He doesn’t wear socks with his sneakers. They ride bikes, not camels, so no 5 points. It’s unclear where ABC got the bikes. I’ll bet they buy them and then return them the next day.

Andi is happy to have a normal date. It’s completely normal as cameras capture their bike riding. It happens before us, in living color. ABC even attaches a camera to Andi’s handlebars so we can see what it looks like when you’re directly under her chin. This is so real.

While Nick V. and Andi enjoy their bikes, two guys without shirts hang out without shirts to discuss whether or not Nick V. is here for the right reasons. I can’t tell from his bike riding whether or not Nick V. is here for the right reasons. I’ll have to look into this further throughout the coming weeks. If only the bikes were equipped with more cameras. Andrew is one of the guys without a shirt. He gets a point for saying the word ‘connection’.

Back on a mountain, Nick V. says he has a crush on Andi. Keep up! He’s all goofy around her and it’s adorable. They climb up a rock while maintaining possession of their glasses of alcohol. They reach the top of a rock and hold each other. Despite his loin-aching crush, Nick V. does not make out with Andi.

After bikes and rocks, Andi and Nick V. sit outside to eat on TV. There are zero cameras under their chins. Andi asks Nick V. why he’s still single. Nick V. admits to a 3-second engagement he had with a girl back home. We’ve all had those. Nick V. is taking things slow. Andi respects that. Guys, I’m pretty sure Nick V. is here for the right reasons.

Super soft piano plays while Nick V. talks about the potential for love and how making mistakes in the past allow you to learn how to love better. The collar on his jacket is popped while he makes these declarations.

Andi tells the camera that she has a connection with Nick V. and she gives him a rose. He accepts it. That seals it. If a guy isn’t on a date for the right reasons, he’s not going to accept a rose. They make out. One point. After some slobber, they go up stairs to slobber some more. This is so real.


The group date is next. There will be singing. The opera singer guy is excited because ABC hired him to be an opera singer guy and he’ll get to opera sing. The guys roll up to a music academy in a limo. Just when you thought the group date couldn’t be any more off the hook, Boyz II Men shows up and they are singing. This group date is off the hook. You guys can probably just go ahead and throw that hook away, because there’s no way this group date is ever getting back on that hook. Not with Boyz II Men around.

It’s totally Boys II Men, at least three of them. I thought there were four Boys II Men. Maybe I’m thinking of Bel Biv Devoe. This group date would really take off if Another Bad Creation showed up... or Sudden Impact. Thank you for being the only person to get that.

If you threw a bunch of puppies into a ball put, it wouldn't be this much fun

Brian exclaims that Boyz II Men made him fall in love a bunch of times when he was in High School. Eric the Explorer tells the camera that he touched his first butt to a Boys II Men song. This is so real.

Boys II Men have been brought in to teach the guys to sing in preparation for a live concert. None of the guys can sing. Boys II Men really has their work cut out for them. Andi can’t sing either. No one can sing. Why did ABC plan a singing thing with no singers. While practicing, Andi becomes more than a little flirtatious with one of the Boyz II Menners. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m not certain Andi is here for the right reasons.

There’s a solid 10 minutes of Boyz II Men singing accompanied by contestants talking about how much they love Boyz II Men. It’s a Boyz II Men infomercial. I’m Bored II Men.

The contestants get their shot to sing next. There’s a ton of bad singing. Even opera singer guy sounds terrible. We watch four minutes of ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in its worst karaoke form. You can totally see why we needed two “special” parts for all of this “special” content. This is so real.

Andi gets the group together to drink around a fire. It’s the best way to date 16 guys. Spray tan Cody gets some one-on-one time. Andi plays a goof on Cody. She confronts Cody about having a girlfriend who is a stripper. Cody is super nervous until he finds out it’s a goof. It was totally a goof. You guys fell for it. Admit it. I can’t even stand how goofy Andi is. I gotta hang out with more district attorneys.

Eric the Explorer is the next to get some one-on-one time. He’s worried that he and Andi are falling out of touch. He doesn’t feel as close to his girlfriend who is dating 15 other guys as he did a week ago. Eric doesn’t feel like a panda in a room full of brown bears.

Marcus and Andi start talking. Four seconds later, they’re kissing. Keep up! One point for Marcus. With Marcus’s dinner fresh on her teeth, Andi takes Josh M., the baseball player guy to a fire pit and cuddles up with him for more smooching. They growl at each other while they make out. You should get more than one point for growly make-out sessions, but there’s no turning back. Josh M. gets the group date rose for his growling skills.

Going to commercial, the group sings more Boyz II Men while ABC dubs in wolf howling. Why do you read these?

JJ the pantsapreneur gets the next one-on-one date. My computer doesn’t think that ‘pantsapreneur’ is an actually profession. My computer is stupid.

Andi and JJ sit through a professional make-up session to appear older. This way, they can see what its like to grow old together. Considering Bachelorette relationships only last a couple of months, this is a really good idea. The make up guys do a very good job. Andi and JJ look old.

This is how much I aged from watching this episode

The happy old couple walks around Santa Barbara to freak people out. ABC stole this bit from Jackass. Andi tells the camera that she really feels like she’s getting to know JJ better from their make-up date. I can tell. They play football, make out and have fun as old people. Andi and JJ talk like old people. Please do not take this statement lightly; this is the worst episode in the history of this pathetic franchise.

Andi has a ton of fun being old with JJ and tells the camera how life would be a blast with him, especially if the ABC make-up specialists agree to live in their guest house for spontaneous park appearances. After crazy old people fun, they sit down to eat on TV, without old people make-up. JJ feels comfortable around Andi. There’s a ton of talking.
Andi gives JJ and his pants a rose. Then, they make out.

They continue to make out and talk like old people. JJ tells the camera that he loved his date and wishes it could have gone on forever. It did.

Back at the mansion, Ron gets a disturbing phone call. A close friend of Ron’s passed away and he leaves the show. His girlfriend’s other boyfriends all hug him goodbye and wish him luck. So, no more Ron.

Also, back at the mansion, Dylan tells Chris the farmer his tale of woe. His brother and sister both died from drugs. Dylan wants the chance to tell Andi about his brother and sister. Hopefully for all of us, he’ll get the chance.

The cocktail party is next. Marquel thinks that everyone deserves a rose. Marquel really likes all of his girlfriend’s boyfriends. It’s nice that they get along so well. I know I always make an attempt to be affable with the other guys my wife dates.

Andi addresses the group about Ron’s unfortunate departure. She says that Ron’s friend dying shows how real this show is. I could have told you how real this show is from my stomach ulcer.

While Andi is talking with Eric the Explorer, a delivery guys walks in to bring her flowers and a note. I’m sure that there was no one at the front door to take the flowers on her behalf. The flowers are from Josh M. He was right in the next room. I don’t see why he couldn’t have just carried the flowers in himself. The Bachelorette leaves a huge carbon footprint.
                                                                                 
We’ve been watching for an hour and a half and there has been zero drama. My ‘drama’ tank is empty. If drama was oxygen, we’d all be dead. Luckily, JJ and Josh pull Andrew aside to confront him about getting a waitress’ phone number off camera. It’s a total confrontation. Andrew is all sorts of confronted.
Andrew refuses to dignify their accusation with a response. He walks away. How are you supposed to confront a guy when he won’t stand still? JJ, Josh and a poor camera chase Andrew around the mansion while yelling about his lack of character. It’s confrontastic! There’s so much confrontation, the camera guy can’t keep up. Camera guy, like, needs a fast-speed shutter to capture the confrontation. The camera does get plenty of shots of JJ’s colorful pants.

Andrew doesn’t stand up for himself. You guys, Andrew is here for the wrong reasons. He gets 21 points. During the confrontationism, Josh M. says ‘connection’. One point.

Andrew is mad about being confronted by his friends/girlfriend’s boyfriends. Andrew says, “I sort of thought we were all in this together.” So, Andrew thinks that his girlfriend’s other boyfriends shouldn’t be concerned with his phone number collecting skills. This is so real.

The rose ceremony is next. The longest and most painful episode in Bachelorette history is almost over. A bunch of guys get roses. I do not recognize a bunch of them. Marquel says, “Yes, maam” again.

Andrew and his wrong-reasoned self got a rose. Things are about to get conFUNtational tomorrow. Get it, guys? You guys don’t get it. I hate you guys.

Brett the hairstylist did not get a rose. His hair looks great, though. Lots of business in the back. Opera singer did not get a rose. He tells the camera that, “I’d love to be loved.” Opera singer guy cries. He may not be loved, but he got 5 points.

Please join us tomorrow for another recap. Judging from the preview, there will be a ton of screaming. I know you much you guys love screaming.

To see the update Fantasy standings, go here. Your team rosters will soon be added.

Bachelorette Recap - Taking Off Your Clothes for Charity

“This really could be the start of an incredible love story.”

“Who’s here to see some half-naked men?”

“Tonight is do or die.”

Those are three quotes from the teaser footage of tonight’s Bachelorette episode. If that doesn’t make you want to open a new tab and read something else than you must be really drunk.

Andi Dorfman continues her journey for love as America watches with bated breath. I had to cancel all of my doctor appointments for the next three months because I didn’t want to accidentally miss the exact moment that Andi found love. We begin the fun with Andi thinking and talking to the camera. For the second straight week, Andi says that it’s finally starting to sink in that she’s the Bachelorette. I can’t wait until week 10 when it really finally starts to finally sink in finally.

For some reason, ABC only had Andi dump 6 boyfriends in week one. That leaves us with 19 contestants. Andi is happy with her harem. She says, “I feel great about the 19 men who are still here.”

At the Bachelor mansion, Chris Harrison gathers the group and tells them how excited they should be that they have a chance to fall in love with and potentially marry Andi. The guys clap. There’s clapping. These guys know the odds.

We’re told that there will be a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date. The stakes are high. The stakes are love. Those are the highest stakes, you guys.

Eric gets the first one-on-one date. Andi’s 18 other boyfriends all pat Eric on the back and congratulate him for taking their girlfriend out on a date. They’re super happy for Eric and wish him well in his attempt to grope and bed their girlfriend. This is all completely natural.

Eric is an explorer who will die soon. He says the date could be the beginning of his fairytale. I’ve read one or two fairy tales in my day and the explorers in the fairy tales usually don’t die.

Andi and Eric jump in a car that has cameras installed in the dashboard so we can watch them talk about life and love and motorcycling across Africa. They drive to the beach. Eric should be good at beaching because he’s an explorer. Explorers usually start exploring at the beach. That’s just an assumption. I’ve never explored. You’ll have to read a real book if you actually want to learn something.

Andi and Eric build a sand castle and fly a kite. Andi talks about how easy and fun Eric is. I’m pretty cynical, but even I can tell that Eric is super easy and fun. We’re all settling in for a chill date when A HELICOPTER LANDS AND TAKES ERIC AND ANDI AWAY! 10 points for a helicopter ride if you drafted Eric in the Fantasy League.

Eric is in the helicopter and says that he can’t believe it. Apparently, he’s never seen an episode of the ‘The Bachelor’. Shouldn’t he be used to helicopters? He’s an explorer. It’s not like he carves canoes out of trees and treks across oceans. He must have been in a helicopter before.

They land in the mountains. Eric talks about how much he likes the beach and the mountains. He’s totally in heaven. He got to go to the beach and the mountains on the same date. I can’t even handle how crazy this date is. The mountains are covered in snow and these two knuckleheads are wearing beach gear! It’s crazy. Twice, I had to check my temperature to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from a high fever because of how crazy this date is. I wasn’t hallucinating. My temperature is normal. This date really is that crazy.

The fun beach kids are in beachwear on the mountain. It’s crazy. You guys have no idea. Eric throws snow at Andi and tells the camera that he can definitely see potential for love. I’m pretty cynical, but when he threw the snow at her I saw the potential for love too.

“We’re on a mountain.” – Andi Dorfman

Some professional snowboard guy snowboards up and helps Andi and Eric snowboard. It’s snowboardy. I think the sports quota is filled. It’s adorable because Andi can’t snowboard. She falls over. It’s amateur hour. I mean, this is a network. If you’re going to have people snowboard, make sure they can snowboard.

Andi tells the camera that Eric looks hot while he snowboards and that he’s good at everything. Andi and Eric are falling in love while they snowboard. Too bad he dies.
Eric thanks Andi for coming up with their epic beach/mountain date. Andi doesn’t say anything about the fact that the date was planned by ABC lawyers and producers. Not saying something is the same as lying.

After they sled down the mountain, they end up in a cabin to drink alcohol by the fire. Andi tells Eric to name three things he’s not good at. He says he’s bad at playing piano and skiing. It’s only two things. I don’t think that explorers can count. Perhaps counting is the third thing he’s bad at. Andi keeps saying the words “epic” and “stop”. She asks Eric a question and, while he answers, she says “stop.”

Eric tells a story about being a journalist in Syria. He was confronted by militants. ABC throws us some ‘Syrian story soft piano’ music. It’s a dramatic story. This date went from crazy to dramatic in a flash. This show has no rules. Eric turns his dramatic story into a lesson about his need to procreate with a woman. So far, zero guys have made out with Andi. Eric is just leaving points on the floor; although, you’d have to be pretty smooth to transition from a Syrian near-death story into a make-out session.

Back at mansion, 47 guys find out that they’re going on a group date where they have to take their clothes off.

We’re back at the mountain cabin. Keep up! Eric is still talking. Andi keeps saying “stop”. Eric says the word “kids” about 600 times. Andi talks about how much more comfortable Eric is. You guys, he’s super easy and fun. Eric gets a rose and 5 points. Looks like he’s ‘exploring’ love now! Boom!

Andi takes Eric over to the fire to eat marshmallows by the fire. He doesn’t make out with her. He’s an idiot. I scream, “Kiss her!” and wake up my wife who fell asleep during the Syria story. Eric says something as they go to commercial and Andi says “stop”. Why can’t she stop saying ‘stop’? It’s like she’s reading a telegraph. Why doesn’t Eric stop, you guys?

The group date is next. Keep up! Andi tells her 47 boyfriends that they’re doing something fun for charity. The guys applaud. These guys really love fun and charity. Andi brings the guys into a male strip club. Or, is it a female strip club? If guys take clothes off and women watch, that’s a women’s strip club, right? Look, there’s no time to figure this out because guys are taking their clothes off.

Andi and a guy with glasses watch the guys dance to audition for their roles in the strip club charity party. It’ll be in front of a live audience. The proceeds go to a charity called ‘Bachelor Gives Back’. That’s funny because, I’ve never received anything from ‘The Bachelor’ and I’ve suffered for a long time.

A bunch of cat owners show up to watch the men strip. There’s stripping. This is awesome because Andi is really getting to know the men she intends to marry. Some guy named Craig talks about how incredible looking Josh is. Craig says that Josh is incredible.

There’s a bunch of choreography. Cowboys, robots, firemen and soldiers dance and take their clothes off. Carl, who is a firefighter in real life, is a chosen as a sexy firefighter. That seems unfair. He’ll be so far advanced in sexy fire fighting.

One of the guys grinds on Chris Harrison and Harrison smacks his butt. The Blackhawks and Kings are playing in the NHL Western Conference Finals a few channels away. I’ll bet my dad is watching hockey.

After naked dancing, Andi gathers her boyfriends for a cocktail party. Producers press the button that makes Andi say “Y’all” a lot. Josh the baseball player pulls Andi aside to ask her not to stereotype him as a baseball player. I know. I’m confused too. He tells Andi that he’s the guy for her and that he’s not shy.

The opera singer sings for Andi. I’m not an opera guy, but it doesn’t sound like a good opera. Again, I’m not an opera judge.

Craig is in the other room and repeatedly mentions Josh’s body. Craig is a little drunk and in love with Josh. If you’re in the Fantasy League, Craig gets 10 points for drinking too much. He does not get points for REALLY liking Josh. Drunk Craig stumbles through the mansion to find Andi to act drunk. She notices his drunkenness and handles it well.

I like drunken Craig. I’d give him a rose. Can you email roses? All of the sudden, the music gets dramatic. Andi is upset because drunk Craig jumps in the pool. Andi questions her role on a reality TV dating show because Craig got drunk. She says “Y’all” a bunch.
If you’re scoring at home, dating 19 guys is fine and natural. If one of those men drinks too much and jumps into a pool, it’s the most unnatural thing ever.

Marcus calms Andi down. That was a close one. Andi gives Marcus the group date rose. The rest of the guys cheer Marcus’ continued dating of their girlfriend.

Chris the farmer gets the other one-on-one date. Luckily, cameras capture him fixing his hair before leaving. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have known how his hair got that way. Andi and Chris the farmer go to the horse track. She gives Chris the farmer clothes to try on and, luckily, cameras are there so we can watch him change into the clothes.

For the next 7 minutes, we watch horses. Andi bets on the 9 horse and the 9 horse wins. Now, all of the kids watching at home will think that gambling is super easy. Way to set the stage for gambling problems, ABC.
Speaking of ABC, the network hires old people to talk to Andi and Chris the farmer about being married for 55 years. Andi and Chris the farmer both want to be married for 55 years. To pull the entire show together, Andi makes a horse racing reference saying that she just has to “pick a winner.” I punch my couch.

After the thrilling horse/ old people thing, Andi and Chris the farmer retreat to a room somewhere to drink and talk. They talk and there’s talking. Chris the farmer was engaged before. When he relays the story to Andi, Chris the farmer almost cries. Almost doesn’t get him 5 points. Gotta see tears for 5 points.

Andi really likes Chris the farmer the farmer and gives him a rose. She also gives him a private concert from the ABC promoted band ‘This Wild Life’. That’s 10 points. Chris the farmer and Andi make out! One point! Why the hell didn’t you draft a Bachelorette Fantasy League team, idiot? You’ll regret that one forever. Also, why did you read down this far? I wasn’t there, but it seems like ‘This Wild Life’ enjoys their chance to play music while a farmer and district attorney make out in front of them. This life certainly is wild.

Chris the farmer tells the camera that he wants to win Andi’s heart because “that’s what dreams are made of.” My dreams are made of scenarios where I have to crawl through impossibly tight places to get away from people chasing me. I should have been a farmer.

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party is next. Keep up! Andi is wearing a dress that shows 38% of her boobs. I measured. Nick V. pulls Andi aside to drink champagne and talk about relationships. Nick V. was the guy who won the first impression rose. That’s like winning a scholarship. Andi likes Nick V.

Marquel pulls Andi aside to show her how he wears really colorful socks, shirts and ties. Some other guy takes off his socks, puts them on his hands and does hand puppets. If you take off your socks to make sock puppets for a girl, she had better be 7-years old.

Josh the baseball player makes out with Andi (1 point). Craig does not ask to join their make-out session. Craig does get a moment alone with Andi to explain and apologize for his drunkenness. He pulls out an acoustic guitar and plays it. That’s 1 point. Craig is not a good singer. He’s super fun though, you guys. I wish you could just see that. Claire’s dad sees that. Craig’s funny apology song goes well.

The rose ceremony is next. Andi has to dump three of her boyfriends. I don’t recognize half of the guys who get a rose, but it’s early in the season. When she asks Marquel if he’ll accept a rose, he says, “Yes, maam.” I’m pretty sure that, if you’re dating a girl you’d eventually like to sleep with, you don’t call her ‘Maam’. I’m not a dating expert. I’m not an opera judge or a dating expert. I basically have no idea what I’m doing.

Opera singer gets a rose because he’s been planted by ABC. Craig, Carl and Nick S. do not get a rose. None of them cry while they’re saying goodbye to the camera. Nick S. comes really close to crying. Craig is disappointed, but he’ll always have his memories of Josh’s body. I’m going to miss Craig. Maybe I’ll follow him on Twitter.

Andi is down to 16 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. Next week, there are two full episodes on Sunday and Monday because ABC hates me. I hate you too, ABC. We’re promised drama, basketball, Boyz II Men and people being places for the wrong reasons. I’ll understand if you don’t watch or read.

Bachelorette Fantasy League Scoring update coming shortly!

Bachelorette Recap - Andi Dorfman Fights Crime and Love

Please note: We have added fun to the Bachelorette season. I have created a custom Bachelorette Fantasy League to bring even more enjoyment to Andi’s journey to find her true 6-month relationship. It’s super easy for you and a miserable pain in the neck for me. Just click to pick your three contestants here. I’ll do the scoring based on my fantabulous Bachelorette scoring system and we’ll update the standings here on TrendingBuffalo.com each week.

If you don’t do this, you’ll never forgive yourself. Every time a helicopter flies overhead, you’ll think, “That could have been 10 points for me.” We’ll award prizes to the winners. It’s more American than scratch off lottery tickets and hats with foam boobs on the brim. Enjoy!

On to the recap…

They’re smiling because they hate my happiness.

Welcome back, sinners. America’s third favorite contestant from last season’s ‘The Bachelor’ is looking for love in all of the wrong places. Those places are ‘ABC’ and ‘hot tubs’. Andi Dorfman triumphantly marched away from Juan Pablo and captured a portion of our hearts. Essokay, she’s now the Bachelorette and gets to choose a lover from a sultry group of 25 ab-ridden males. There will be tears, making out, and pants. Lots and lots of pants. Please stop reading these recaps.

We begin our season the way we begin every season… with Chris Harrison paying homage to the guy who died. Apparently, one of the contestants, Eric, died while para sailing. It happened after he was already eliminated. As we know from ‘The Bachelor’ franchise, the only true way to find love is by doing something dangerous. I hope Eric found love before entering that final Rose Ceremony in the sky. Chris Harrison dedicated the season to Eric. So, this is season ‘Eric’.

Andi walks onto the scene to begin season ‘Eric’. She declares that she’s a prosecutor who puts bad guys away. That escalates into “fighting crime”. Now, Andi is a crime fighter. Cameras capture her packing up her stuff to leave her job to find love. She goes to a park to sit on a bench for two seconds. Then, she gets up and moves to a different park of the park to think. Keep up!

Andi leaves the park and all of that craziness to consult with her parents about making out with guys on TV. They’re supportive. Andi tells her parents, “Next time you see me, there will be two guys.” I’m sure her father is super happy to hear that.

On the prospect on love, Andi says, “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it.” I’m that way with ice cream.

Next, Andi puts on clothes. Keep up! She walks on the beach to think in different clothes. THERE ARE SO MANY CLOTHES. She’s wearing clothes.
Andi’s sister joins her in her Bachelorette suite to talk about this fun experience she’s about to have. They discuss kissing guys. Then, they look at dresses. The Rangers and Canadiens are playing Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals on a different channel. Sports quota filled, so is my sadness bucket.

Andi talks about finding love for seven solid minutes. She’s wearing different clothes. Each individual outfit has been dedicated to Eric. Chris Harrison welcomes her to the mansion and the guy limos arrive. I’m nervous, you guys. Are you nervous? I’m nervous.

During the break, we see a promo for a show called ‘Selfie’. We’ll know for sure I’m in hell if I’m somehow roped into recapping that as well.

The limos arrive. Holy smokes, I’m still nervous. Guys come out and make small talk with Andi Dorfman. A guy with a bowtie says that he’s “giddy” to meet her. I wouldn’t recommend drafting bowtie guy. A guy named Tasos is a wedding event coordinator. My wife says, “No chance”.

Because Bachelorette producers hate me, one of the contestants pushes his limo up the driveway. His name is Cody. Cody spray tans his face and pushes limos up hills. I’d date him.

For a half-hour, guys kick soccer balls, throw keys into ponds for koi to choke on, and set up lamps. It’s typical ‘first date’ stuff. One of the guys is named ‘Amal’. He tells Andi his name is pronounced “Anal with an ‘M’.” He’s a helicopter pilot. I hate this show.

Because ABC is out of ideas, they cast an opera singer named Bradley. He comes across as the kind of guy who stands at the end of the bed to watch people sleep. Not any particular people, just people. A guy named Mike tells Andi that people call him ‘Camps’. If people called me ‘Camps’, I’d find new people.

Eric comes out next. Eric eventually gets dumped and dies. His profession is listed as ‘Explorer’. I thought we already found everything! Are there still places to be explored? Does ‘Exploring’ pay well? Do Explorers get dental? Do they plant flags in stuff? Answer me!

Once we’ve met all 25 guys and have had the proper amount of time to fall in love with each of them, everyone heads inside of the mansion to drink and embarrass themselves. Andi addresses the crowd and says, “Literally, my heart is pounding right now.” She literally used ‘literally’ correctly.

Markel makes cookies and gives Andi cookies. He wasn’t carrying cookies when he walked in. Did he run into the mansion and start baking? Did ABC let him store his cookies in the mansion? That would be unfair. That would be like letting a horse wear a nose strip. Boom. Sports quota killed. Markel gives Andi a black and white cookie because he’s black and she’s white. It’s a metaphor, you guys.

Eric the dead explorer tells Andi that he likes to do dangerous things. She doesn’t tell him to stop doing dangerous things, so she is practically responsible for his death.

ABC loves to be stupid so they bring a guy named Chris back on the show for a fake moment. If you’re new to the show, Chris is a former contestant who has a bad temper. ABC plays up this fake angle by having security hold him at bay while he demands to meet Andi. A Bachelorette producer tells angry Chris that he’ll talk to Chris Harrison. Yes, because Chris Harrison is the Bachelorette Czar who can allow men with tempers to crash their carefully orchestrated Reality show.

Back in the mansion, Andi and Tasos talk about travel. Andi says that, if she could go anywhere, she’d go on an African safari. Tasos agrees and they hi-five. If you’re new to dating, hi-fiving a girl is a sure-fire way to get directly into their pants. No woman can control herself once she is hi-fived. I’m having trouble even typing from the heat produced by the hi-five.

Meanwhile, in the parlor, two of the guys really hit if off because they’re both into Formula One racing. They laugh and move closer to sit next to each other. I’m pretty sure it’s the closest this show has ever come to true love.

Chris Harrison pulls Andi aside to tell her about angry Chris the party crasher. He doesn’t warn her about his angriness. They’re all acting like this mansion is a house on Elmwood that you can just walk up to and knock on the door. Andi refuses to see Angry Chris because it wouldn’t be fair to her 25 boyfriends.

When Chris Harrison breaks the news to angry Chris that he can’t come on the game show, he gets upset and refuses to leave. Harrison is all, “you have to leave” and angry Chris is all, “Well, I’m not leaving!” Then, they go to commercial. So, that’s settled.

We’re back from commercial. Keep up! ABC has added another Bachelorette security guard to stand next to angry Chris so you know it’s serious. Angry Chris agrees to leave, but does so angrily. If this wasn’t completely fabricated, I’d be worried that angry Chris went off to kill some people.

Back in the mansion, people talk and there’s talking. Andi says that her 25 boyfriends are “awesome”. One of the guys is a farmer. Another guy named Marcus claims to speak German and Polish. He says one thing in German and is unable to speak any Polish. For some reason, Andi is still impressed by his lies.

It’s time for the first impression rose. The first impression rose is dedicated to dead Eric. Andi gives the rose to some guy named Nick. I don’t recognize him. If you’re drafting a Fantasy team, Nick already has 5 points. So far, no one has made out with Andi and no one has been injured. This season sucks.

Nick is totally surprised he gets the first impression rose. It looks like he can’t wait to tell his Mom about it. Nick seems nice. I feel bad for him that he’s on the show. Just as things are starting to get super fun, Chris Harrison comes in and chinks his stupid glass to announce the beginning of the rose ceremony. ABC plays super intense music for this moment. It sets the tone for intensity.

Mike with the hair says, “If I go home tonight without getting a chance to get to know Andi, it might rank up there as one of the worst feelings in the world.” I’m sure everyone who has been struck by lightning will agree with Mike.

These guys are already in love with Andi

The Rose Ceremony is next. Keep up! Andi is super emotional and thanks her 25 boyfriends for a wonderful evening and her lamp. She gives out a bunch of roses until Chris Harrison comes out to tell her to stop.

Among the notables to get a rose are the Pantsepreneur, Markel the cookie/metaphor maker, Tasos the hi-fiver, spray-tan limo pusher, the guy with the face, stupid guy, jerk guy and his friend the jerk, and the Opera singer who has been planted by ABC to annoy people.

Among the notables to be eliminated are Mike with the hair, lamp guy, hair guy, jerk guy and his friend the jerk, golf guy who golfs, and others. Mike experienced one of the worst feelings in the world. I did too by watching this show, but you don’t hear me complaining about it.

A guy named Josh cries about being dumped by the girl he knew for 4 seconds. He’s super sad and kind of angry. He even swears. Luckily, ABC bleeped it. Josh does have a great quote to sum up 18 years of this show when he says, “This is stupid.”

We get a preview of the season to come. There will be boats, more boats, trains, clocks, castles, love, sledding, making out, drama, dramatic music to accompany the drama, guys pointing at guys while they yell at the guys, and some amazingly surprising stuff. Also, Andi cries a ton because this is so seriously real to her and anyone who says this is a joke is being seriously offensive.

You’ve read an entire Bachelorette recap, which either means you’re drunk or bored. Since you’ve come this far, go to this page and draft three Bachelorette contests to form a fantasy team. The scoring system is fun. It’s super easy and there will be prizes. My Dad has a team.

Bachelor Recap - America Hates Juan Pablo but, Essokay!

Tonight, Juan Pablo will find true love. That’s the promise ABC made us 10 long episodes ago. We have suffered through tears, roses, helicopter rides, caves, ocean sex and a solid 11 hours of footage of a Venezuelan man’s tongue. Our reward? A 3-hour finale that is sure to contain about 7 minutes of actual content. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

Juan Pablo is down to two girlfriends. It’s almost criminal. I know some normal guys without abs or accents who have two girlfriends. Poor Juan Pablo. Nikki and Clare are left to compete for the role of Juan Pablo’s 6-month girlfriend.

I’m especially excited about tonight because Clare has been hinting all season about showing us her ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. It’s video footage of her dad addressing the man she will eventually marry. There’s no way ABC let her on the show without signing a piece of paper promising to release said ‘Dead Dad’ footage.

Here we go!

We begin with footage of Juan Pablo’s journey that we’ve already seen. They have three hours to fill so, we need to pace ourselves. Pace yourself, you guys! We’re getting Andi footage. Andi dumped Juan Pablo because he’s conceited and self-centered. It took her this long to figure that out about a guy dating dozens of women. Anyway, why the hell are they showing Andi? That’s old news! Show us new news, ABC! Fuckers!

Next, they preview both Clare and Nikki crying. They’re not just crying. They’re ‘Bachelor’ crying. It’s not Grown Sexy.

Chris Harrison comes out in front of a live studio audience, for some reason. He promises the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. I’ve been promised this before. Just to make sure I’m good and angry, they have a bunch of former contestants on set to talk and use words and stuff. My goal, in the next three hours, is to become angry enough that I sweat blood. I hate this show.

Sharleen, the Opera singer, is one of the people on the panel. She’s a panda in a live studio audience full of brown bears.

Harrison says that Juan Pablo has promised a big surprise and they’re all dying to know what it is. Maybe they should have watched their hours of footage. Chris Harrison admits that it’s debatable whether or not Juan Pablo was on the show for the right reasons. Oh my God! It has never been questioned whether or not the Bachelor/ Bachelorette was here for the right reasons! It’s a paradox. We’ve reached the nexus of the universe!

Next, we’re in St. Lucia. Keep up! The first three words Juan Pablo says are, “Aye, aye, aye.” I think this sweating blood thing is going to happen. We get ocean footage. No one is having sex in the St. Lucia ocean. What’s the point? Juan Pablo’s family hangs out. His daughter, Camila, is there. The question is, is Camila there for the right reasons??!!!! The funny thing is, you guys, when you think about it, I’m not here for the right reasons. I watch this show for all of the wrong reasons. I feel like a hypocrite.

Clare has the first 'family meeting' date. While Juan Pablo talks about introducing Clare to his family, ABC shows us a live ‘Look-in’ window of audience members watching the show. We’re watching people watch the show we’re watching. Who does this benefit?

Juan Pablo says that he really likes Clare. He says, “I’m going to keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts with my family.” For Clare’s sake, I hope she doesn’t try to have sex in the ocean. Camila is right there. For what reasons, I’m not sure.

Clare is excited to meet Juan Pablo’s family. She says, “I couldn’t be more thrilled.” That doesn’t make much sense. Wouldn’t winning the game show be more thrilling then this certain stage of the game show? Will she not be more thrilled to marry Juan Pablo? After Clare meets Juan Pablo’s family, is she going to walk away completely content because she fulfilled all of her desires? Will Clare pull a David Robinson? (Sports quota filled)

Clare is falling in love. If you’re scoring at home, falling in love is the right reason! Clare meets Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila. Her words, “How adorable was Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot. I feel like it makes him that much sexier.”

That really happened. She got girl-bothered by the sight of Juan Pablo’s daughter. That’s just about the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. The family eats on TV. Clare is impressed with how Juan Pablo feeds his daughter. I gotta admit. It’s super hot. The dinner conversation revolves around how many kids Clare wants to have. The agreed upon number is three. Juan Pablo says that he wants more than three if one of them isn’t a boy.

Clare has a chat with Juan Pablo’s mother. Mom throws Juan Pablo under the bus calling him hyperactive and rude. Clare is glad Juan Pablo is rude because she needs to hear the truth sometimes. That’s really what she said. This is making me uncomfortable. Clare is really, really excited about her rude boyfriend. I have this whole domestic violence scene playing out in my head right now. I’m not getting angry at this show. I’m getting embarrassed.

Clare tells Juan Pablo’s brother that she’s in love. We still haven’t seen the ‘Dead Dad’ DVD yet. Juan Pablo’s brother asks Clare if she’ll hold the relationship together when Juan Pablo tries to ruin it. That really happened. I haven’t even had the chance to make things up yet. Juan Pablo’s dad tells Clare that he’ll love her forever no matter what happens. In an Alfred Hitchcock movie, that would be foreshadowing.

When the family crap is over, Juan Pablo and Clare make out. It’s slurp-rific. My computer doesn’t think that ‘slurp-rific’ is a word. Clare can’t wait to join Juan Pablo’s family.

Next we get a check-in with the pointless live studio audience. Like a Roman emperor, Chris Harrison asks the crowd who they favor, Clare or Nikki. The crowd chooses Nikki. Crowds are never wrong. Especially crowds that yell “Shoot” during hockey games. (Bonus sports reference)

Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s family next. ABC shows a horse in the ocean. HORSES GO IN THE OCEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Nikki brings Juan Pablo’s family the same flowers that Clare brought. I’ll bet ABC gave them flowers to give to the family, like my dad used to by Mother’s Day gifts for my mom and I’d sign the card.
 Nikki is from Kansas City. Juan Pablo’s brother asks, “You’re from Kansas?” And I’m all, “I know! Why is Kansas City in Missouri?!” It’s weird, you guys. Not as weird as saying that you want to have sex with a guy even more because you saw him with his daughter but, it’s plenty weird for me.

Hey, I hope you like reading because we’re only 20 minutes into a 3-hour show. Keep up!

Juan Pablo’s dad doesn’t offer unconditional love to Nikki. I don’t think Juan Pablo’s dad is here for the right reasons. He warns Nikki that Juan Pablo is a terrible person and that his son is very selfish. Nikki tells dad that she is cool with not being important for the rest of her life. I like Juan Pablo’s dad. I hope he’s the next Bachelor. I’ll bet he has ‘Dad’ abs.

Juan Pablo’s mom and her horrible teeth talk to Nikki next. I can’t understand a single thing she says. Nikki keeps nodding. It’s a conversation, I guess. Juan Pablo’s brother warns Nikki that his brother is selfish and will leave her at the drop of a hat. He really says that. Nikki says that she’s looking forward to getting in fights with Juan Pablo when they’re married. I can’t believe this is all happening. We have found the two women in the country with the least amount of self esteem. How come all of the women I meet have self esteem? It's not fair. I'm a panda in a room full of self-esteem bears.

After the family crap, Juan Pablo takes Nikki outside and pipe-cleans her lungs with his tongue.

Chris Harrison talks to the studio audience next. People predict the outcome. It’s awesome television. Then, Harrison talks to “Bachelor alumns.” He calls them “Bachelor alumns.” I’m pretty sure an ‘alumn’ is a college graduate. Do you get a degree when you leave ‘The Bachelor’? What do you major in, being there for the wrong reasons? Jumping off of yachts? Drinking incredible amounts of alcohol? Warning people how many roses are left? Climbing up stuff to prove love? Acting stupid to make a first impression? Don't answer me.

Anyway, Bachelor contestants talk. Dog woman talks. Everyone’s favorite ‘Non-virgin’ couple, Sean and Catherine, talk. It’s Grown Sexy. While Catherine rambles and makes no sense, one of the women in the audience nods approval. I laugh hard enough to hurt something.

Before Clare’s final date with Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison warns us that it’s nothing we’ve ever seen before. I guess that means we won’t watch 11 minutes of tongue sex. Clare and Juan Pablo GET ON A HELICOPTER!!! The helicopter ride is going fine until Juan Pablo says something terrible to Clare. Clare says that, while the cameras were off, Juan Pablo said something sexually offensive and insulting to her. She says that she was treated like an object and that she’s confused.

Now, I’m confused because, cameras are always on. Even when these people are in helicopters, the cameras are rolling. You can’t tell me that they don’t have footage of Juan Pablo being a pig. That means one of two things; it was so bad they couldn’t show it or they’re making all of this up for fake drama. My guess is that this is all being made up. I’m not sure. I don’t really care so I’m not going to take too much time thinking about it.

Clare wants answers. I want her to get answers because I want to see her ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. She’s not showing her dad’s message to a pig. Straighten up, Juan Pablo! There’s a conversation next. It’s long. There are words. Some of them are hard to understand. A part of it is Juan Pablo telling Clare that there are things he doesn’t like about her.

Juan Pablo scolds Clare for blaming him for their make-out session. He brings up her lack of control in Vietnam oceans while wagging his finger at her. It’s a fair point. It takes two to tango. It also takes two to have sex in the ocean in Vietnam. That’s not entirely accurate. You could have sex by yourself in the ocean in Vietnam. I mean, I could. Not if people were watching. Wait, how high is the water? Am I chest-deep? Are there sharks? I don’t think I could have sex with myself in the Vietnam ocean if there were sharks. Anyway, Juan Pablo is talking to Clare about the babies they’re going to have and now she’s super happy again. Forget about the horribly offensive stuff he said that wasn’t captured on camera. He’s a really good guy because he wants to put babies inside of Clare, you guys. He's going to put three babies inside of her unless those babies are all girls, in which case, there will be additionally babies until a boy baby is produced. You have no idea.

They hug. Clare is delusional. I feel really bad for the people in the room with her while she’s watching this back. They’re gonna be all, “Soooo… Hey. Look at the time!”

Nikki’s final date is next. Boobs. Nikki is wearing a bikini. When she greets Juan Pablo, he looks down at her chest and says, “Someone is very ready.” And she says, “I am.” That happened. At least we caught the offensive thing on camera this time.

They sit on a boat and talk. There’s talking. Nikki is in love and wants her love interest to also be in love. They talk about life after romantic St. Lucian beaches. Juan Pablo says that he has a TV and he’s probably going to watch TV by himself a lot. Nikki agrees. Honestly, I’m not making any of this up.

Back at the hotel, Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she loves him. She wants him to say it back but he promised ABC that he wouldn’t. Plus, he doesn’t. Four seconds after she declares her love, Juan Pablo gets up and leaves. It’s Grown Sexy. Nikki cries alone in her St. Lucian hotel. Well, Clare’s dad is there too.

The rose ceremony is next. Cameras capture the girls getting dressed, putting on makeup and standing on balconies to think. It’s important. There’s 4 straight minutes of ‘thinking’ footage. Everyone is thinking. Were you guys thinking? I was totally thinking.

Clare shows up first. The first person to show up is always the one who has been dumped. So, Clare is dumped. No ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. I hate this show. Chris Harrison guides Clare down a path to be dumped. A lot of people will call Juan Pablo a jerk after this season. No one will mention how Chris Harrison knowingly watched it happened and encouraged it to make his show more successful.

They let Clare talk first to make sure her dumping is as uncomfortable as possible. She says poetic love stuff. Juan Pablo dumps her. She yells at Juan Pablo while ABC pipes in live studio cheering. Juan Pablo tries to explain himself but she walks away. She says, “What I just went through. I would never want my children to have a father like you.” Juan Pablo says, “Okay.” He did.

Clare runs off and hugs Chris Harrison. Um… Clare. Chris Harrison is the guy who made you go through all of this. Do you really think ABC would have let Juan Pablo send you home so they could lose money by not having a finale? Do you really think ABC would say, “Essokay, we don’t need a finale.” You’re hugging the enemy Clare. You’re hugging the enemy while you’re dad watches you hug the enemy.

As Harrison walks Clare away, Juan Pablo says, “I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” The audience groans. It’s Groan Sexy. America hates Juan Pablo. Clare gets on a boat and cries about her lost Venezuelan lover. She’s super mad about the fact that she went on a game show to date a guy who was dating 24 other women and that guy wasn’t sincere. I hate this show.

Chris Harrison tells us that his heart goes out to Clare. I’ll bet his heart was really going out to her as he was watching the season unfold and enthusiastically fist-pumping the air at the thought of how good his ratings were going to be thanks to Clare’s pain. Not that I care about Clare. She signed up for this. I’m on nobody’s side. Keep up!

Nikki’s ending is next. They skipped the annual ‘Neil Lane’ diamond scene. I feel cheated out of the 4-minute commercial for ‘Neil Lane’ diamonds. Chris Harrison walks Nikki down a quarter-mile dirt path to meet Juan Pablo. She’s wearing 47-inch heels. Do they not have concrete in St. Lucia?

ABC acts like Juan Pablo is about to propose to Nikki. He does not. He blames Nikki’s dad on not proposing. He says that he’s not 100% sure and Nikki’s dad told him to be 100% sure. He says, “I like you a lot. A lot.” Juan Pablo gives her a rose. She takes it. Nikki wins the game show. They make out. A lot. Nikki is super happy less than 12 hours after crying by herself on a couch.

I don’t think it’s fair that the dinosaurs were naturally selected to be wiped off the face of the Earth in a hail of fire and we’re allowed to roam free despite our ‘Bachelor making’ tendencies.

The ‘After the Final Rose’ show is next. Chris Harrison promises answers. He doesn’t promise any ‘Dead Dad’ DVD footage. I am disappoint.

Clare is first on the hot seat. She just watched the worst thing she’ll ever watch. Chris Harrison’s first question is, “Was that hard to watch?” She struggles through a long ‘yes’ answer. Chris Harrison asks, “Why?” Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Harrison is the Walter Cronkite of slutty reality TV.

He asks Clare to tell America what offensive thing Juan Pablo said on the helicopter. She’s too classy to do that. Plus, her dad is listening. Clare refuses to talk to Juan Pablo. The audience cheers. They don’t really cheer that loud, to be honest. I’ve heard these cat owners cheer and it’s usually ‘Arrowhead Stadium’ loud. They love their Clare but, it’s subdued. I think everyone is tired of this terrible television program. Except Chris Harrison. He does an M&M commercial. Arrowhead stadium is in Kansas City, Missouri. There is no way anyone could have read down this far.

Juan Pablo is next on the hot seat. It’s super hot because America hates Juan Pablo. I hate him too, you guys, but I hated him before everyone else. I hipster hated him. While Juan Pablo rambles about how much fun he had and how tough it was to dump women, the celebrity contestants look angry. Chris Harrison interrupts Juan Pablo while he’s talking and Juan Pablo gets mad. So, interrupting Juan Pablo is not essokay.

Juan Pablo has no regrets about how he treated Clare. Chris Harrison makes it clear how un-cool that is. Chris Harrison doesn’t stand for this kind of disrespect… even though he helped to orchestrate it.

Nikki is next. She’s still dating Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo hasn’t told her that he’s in love with her yet. Chris Harrison makes a big deal out of this because he’s an American hero. I hate this show.

Juan Pablo joins Nikki. Essokay. Chris Harrison tries to make Juan Pablo uncomfortable about not loving Nikki. This Harrison dude is hammering Juan Pablo for not playing ball. He wants America to hate Juan Pablo. Chris Harrison is not cool with Juan Pablo for not loving Nikki. They show big religious Sean in the crowd and Sean wants to punch Juan Pablo for his un-lovingness. How fast time flies. Just ten weeks ago, Sean was giving Juan Pablo make-out lessons. Now, he wants to punch him. Aye, aye, aye.

What follows is Juan Pablo staunchly refusing to say, out loud, that he loves Nikki. Chris Harrison is making a scene about his refusal to say “love”. Nikki is sitting here through the whole thing. It wouldn’t be a big deal if Harrison wasn’t making it a big deal. There’s a commercial break and then more of uncomfortable ‘Juan Pablo won’t say he loves Nikki’ talk. Chris Harrison is mean and nasty, you guys. He’s a polar bear in a room full of brown bears. In case you’re not a bear expert, polar bears are the meanest and nastiest bears.

Juan Pablo rambles about people who say mean things to him with their computer. I can’t blame him for that. Those people are cowards.


….


Chris Harrison announces that Andi the Assistant District Attorney is the next Bachelorette. She dumped Juan Pablo after he tried something controversial in their sex suite. Now, she’ll get to try something controversial with her three boyfriends in their sex suite. It’s the American Dream. Andi says that she's speechless and then talks for 4-minutes.

Andi says that she puts gang members behind bars. She cleans up America while wearing hot pants. I feel sorry for gangs. How could contend with hot pants? I have no opinion of Andi. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to type 3,000 words about her every week for 3 months. She's my second-least favorite Bachelorette behind Ashley H. No one can ever catch Ashley H. for least favorite-ness. The show is over About 90% of the celebrity panel they invited onto the show to talk, didn't talk. My tax dollars paid for that celebrity panel. 'The Bachelor' is inefficient.

This was a long season. I’m hoping I can get Clare’s ‘Dead Dad’ DVD on Netflix. Thank you for reading my recaps. I truly appreciate your time. I have to be completely honest with you. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why you would want to read this. I’m usually very proud of what I do. These recaps are terrible. I hate my recaps. In a room full of brown bears, my recaps are a Bruin. Third sports reference. Boom.
Greg Bauch does words words words... stop acting like you care or read down this far.