Bachelorette Recap- Dads Groping Girls

If you’re pressed for time, I can recap this episode of the Bachelorette in one short, accurate sentence: Dez (she’s Dez now) visited the families of her 4 lovers and then dumped one of them.

The hometown dates are horrifically embarrassing. I’m convinced that ABC feeds the families LSD to make sure they’re extra stupid. In the preview, we are promised singing, Dad-on-Dez touching, and a return of Dez’s terrible brother who wants so badly for America to notice him that he’ll sabotage’s his sister’s happiness.

Dez has four boyfriends left, which is practically no boyfriends. All of her boyfriends have declared their love for her except for the one who for which she has confessed her love, Brooks. It’s a lot like Shakespeare, minus all of the redeeming value.

Zak, the shirtless guy, gets the first hometown date. Our journey begins in Dallas, Texas, the home of Lindy Ruff. Zak and Dez meet in a park where shirts are required. ABC shows us two different shots of squirrels so, you know the stakes right off the bat. Dez and Zak talk about crazy dream Zak had about the sun melting them, and it snowed and they ate the snow and kids came running out. Keep up!

Zak’s family business is snow cones, of course! They jump in an Ice Cream truck. ABC hires 600 kids to run up to the truck so Dez and Zak can hand them food without using gloves or hairnets. The kids enjoy their salmonella. Zak runs out in a penguin costume so America can see how goofy and fun he is. I notice it. He’s goofy. He’s fun.

Dez says, “Zak is so good with kids. I can really see him being an amazing father, especially when he comes out of nowhere in a penguin suit.” I don’t have kids so, it’s good to find out what it really takes.

Zak is super goofy. You have no idea. When they’re done with super goofy fun, Zak takes Dez to meet his family. Zak promises that he gets his craziness from his family. I shotgun a beer.

Zak’s parents have a nice house. There is money in snow cones. I shouldn’t have thrown out my Snoopy Snow Cone maker. 

They eat on TV. Zak’s Mom pulls Dez aside to talk about love and how goofy Zak is. Zak’s sister pulls Dez into a bedroom to talk more about how goofy Zak is. She says, “Zak loves life and people and he will love someone forever.” I can tell.

Zak has come a long way from being the shirtless guy. Aside from being goofy… and he is. He’s SUPER goofy… Zak blushes a lot and comes across as a nice guy who would normally wear a shirt. 

Zak’s sister and brother pull out a guitar to sing a song that Zak wrote. I don’t think that it would be at all awkward to hear two strangers sing in their living room. Everyone cries when the song is done. 

When the song mercifully ends, Zak takes Dez outside. He pulls out a ring to for Dez and tells her that he loves her. It is clear, 10 minutes into the show, that Zak is about to be dumped. All of this endearment is a set-up for Zak to be dumped and become a future Bachelor. ABC is the devil.

Their night ends with mic’d up slurpy kissing, the way every night should end.

Our next stop is Scottsdale, Arizona. Keep up! ABC shows us a cactus, so we know for sure it’s Scottsdale. Drew wears a pink shirt with 3 buttons undone to meet Dez in front of a Scottsdale mini mall. He has a lot of product in his hair. Why the hell are you reading this recap?

Drew reminds everyone how he has fallen in love, in case we weren’t keeping up. Drew also wears shoes without socks which, for me, would mean that several people would be killed by odor.

Drew takes Dez to meet his sister. His sister is mentally and physically challenged, very emotional but unable to communicate her emotions. Dez does not appear to be uncomfortable, which is good. ABC plays us ‘Dez has accepted Drew’s sister’ music.

The family sits down to eat on TV. Drew’s Dad pulls Dez aside and asks her what, exactly, is the part of his son that she is attracted to. She says “eyes” despite me yelling out, “Say groin! Say package!” Drew’s Dad tells Dez that she’s real. Everyone hugs, constantly. There’s less hugging during a Miss America Pageant. It’s 15 minutes of chests rubbing on microphones.

Drew talks to his Mom and they cry. Drew’s Dad also cries with Drew and tells him to marry Dez. Dez and Drew make out in his driveway. This show is just the weirdest thing ever. I don’t think it’s healthy for a woman to visit the families of 4 men and talk about joining 4 families and then slurpily make out in 4 driveways, but, again, I’m no expert.

Chris has the next hometown date. I ready myself for poetry.

Chris walks around in the woods and thinks about Dez while cameras capture him thinking. It’s important for us to know that Chris walks and thinks. Chris picks Dez some wild flowers because he hasn’t read a poem aloud in hours.

They play baseball, thanks to the Bachelorette interns who set up baseball gear in a park. They say that Chris played professional baseball. He was probably a Cub or something. I search Baseball-reference.com for League leaders in poems. The search is inconclusive. 

Dez puts on eye black and I am seriously aroused. You guys know how I feel about eye black. I can’t even really type right now. Eye black is yikes. Chris takes out a grease pencil so they can write funny things on each other’s eye black. Chris writes, ‘Heart Chris’ on Dez’s eyes. Dez says, “Should it say ‘I heart Chris?” Chris says, “The eyes are up here. Eye heart Chris”. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading this paragraph.

Seriously, girls, eye black! Eye Black all of the time!

They play baseball. Sports quota filled. Chris throws Dez a ball. She catches it. He says, “Nice catch” and she says, “You’re a catch!” Burn! As Dez steals 2nd base, her voiceover says, “Chris has stolen my heart”. These Bachelorette producers think of everything. Bachelorette interns rush out to the mound to lay out a blanket and picnic lunch so Dez and Chris can slurp all over each other’s faces. They don’t even eat the food these poor interns bought for them! Who doesn’t eat free crackers?

Chris takes Dez to his parents’ house so they can eat on TV. They don’t even touch their food before Chris’s chiropractic Dad pulls Dez into his basement to adjust her. It’s beyond pervy. There’s more rubbing than I’d like to see from a Dad. He’s pulling her every which way while his crotch is right in her face. It’s completely eliminated any effect the eye black had on me. I’m creeped out. ABC microphones pick up the crackling.

When their done with grope-fest. Chris comes down to talk to his Dad. His Dad puts him on the rape table to adjust his nose. He jams some kind of apparatus up Chris’s nose and I’ve never heard of this. I’m not a big fan of Chris’s Dad. This guy has woodchucks stuffed somewhere.

Chris’s Mom pulls Dez aside to cry on TV. Apparently, Chris’s Mom did not like Chris’s last girlfriend, so there’s fear that she’ll also not like Dez. ABC plays dramatic ‘Chris’s Mom doesn’t like Dez’ music. His Mom has a generally disapproving look on her face at all times. You guys, I don’t think she likes Dez!

As Chris is admitting his love, the soft piano kicks in and Chris’s Mom says she likes Dez. 4 million pounds are lifted off of my chest. You guys, she likes Dez! It’s such a relief. This show is stupid.

The date is over so, Dez and Chris fulfill their contractual obligation to make out in a drive way while doing that soft, whispery talking thing. It’s her third hometown date and, after every one, Dez has told the camera that she’s ready to marry the guy. To be fair, she has been dating her boyfriends a long time.

Brooks has the final hometown date. We’re in Salt Lake City, Utah. It’s the last date but, there’s still an hour of show left. I guess they saved the majority of the episode for the part where Dez’s brother acts awful.

Brooks walks up a hill so a camera can capture it. You think he’s done but, he gets on a bridge to walk and we see it. There’s a camera in this park. We get to see Brooks walk up hills and across bridges while thinking. It’s pretty rare footage. I feel like I should be paying for it. Plus, ABC shows us some ducks so we can be sure it’s a park.

Dez and Brooks sit on a bench in this park and, guys, it’s a park! Dez talks about emotions and brings out a sheet of paper. I wince because there are a ton of words written on this paper and we all know she’s going to read the words. She reads them. We watch. Dez and Brooks recap their 48 minutes together. Then, they make out. Again, Bachelorette interns lay out blankets and food which goes completely ignored. I hope they donate the uneaten picnic food to a shelter or something. The Bachelor franchise could completely eliminate world hunger.

When they’re done not eating, they jump in a canoe to annoy ducks and America. They canoe and talk. I only had 3 beers in my fridge. It’s an oversight. 

When they’re done canoeing, they go to Brook’s house. Brooks’ family does a giant hug thing. And I thought Zak’s family was goofy! They’re all wearing nametags. One of Brooks’ sisters wrote exclamation points after her name. She must have been really excited to meet Dez. Brooks’ brother Nathan spells his name as ‘NathaN’. I didn’t know I was allowed to capitalize different letters in my name? I would have been ‘GreG’. My whole life has been a waste. 

As they eat, Brooks’ Mom remarks how in love Dez and Brooks appear. It is easy to tell by the way they’re chewing. Brooks’ Mom pulls Dez aside to try and convince Dez how good of a husband her son will be. In another room, Brooks talks to his brothers about love. If I tried to talk about love with my brothers, they would punch me in my ribs until I passed out from pain and a lack of oxygen.

There’s more talking. This entire episode has been a conversation about love. This has always been the worst week of the worst show. At least none of the families had a funeral for a dead bird. That happened once.

When the date is over, Dez makes out with Brooks in the drive way. We see it and hear it. ABC teases that the rest of the show will be about Dez’s whore brother who acts awful on TV for attention. Dez had a chance to marry Sean Lowe the Bachelor for 8 minutes last season but her brother ruined it by attacking Sean.

Dez’s brother is a punk. ABC begged Dez to bring him back. She wanted to remain on television so, she allowed it. 

Dez and her brother sit on a couch so he can disapprove of her dating multiple guys on TV with the intention of marrying one of them. America might hate Dez’s brother but I love the guy. He’s the only person on the show who knows what the show really is. Plus, he had a rough childhood. He had to sleep in the living room.

Dez makes her brother promise that he won’t ruin her chances. There’s talk of setting up a meeting between the brother and the contestants. It should be falsely dramatic and pointless.

With 20 minutes left, Chris Harrison comes out to earn a paycheck. He sits down with Dez to remind everyone that Dez loves Brooks the most, but there’s a chance he might dump her. It’s dramatic. 

Chris Harrison walks away to allow Dez some time to look at pictures of her boyfriends and decide which one to dump. She doesn’t just look at the pictures. She picks them up and looks closely while ABC plays ‘Deciding which Boyfriend to Dump’ music. 

The Rose Ceremony takes place at a Hotel with a giant fish tank. ABC has teased us with the promise that Dez’s brother was going to storm in on the Rose Ceremony to mess things up. They show Dez’s brother lurking around corners in the hotel as the men walk through the lobby. It was a tease. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens on the show, except poems.

Chris Harrison lays down the stakes; there are 3 roses for 4 men. Then, he walks away. Dez hands out two roses. Harrison walks back in to tell everyone who can’t count to three that there is one rose remaining. Dez dumps Zak. It’s not as goofy.

Zak hugs the three other contestants. I know, when my girlfriend dumps me, I immediately hug the other guys around me who still get to sleep with her. 

Dez and Zak sit on a bench so he can act shocked. Dez tells Zak that she doesn’t want him to lose his loving feeling. I’m not kidding. She says that. ABC plays dramatic ‘Dumped’ music. Zak cries and then thanks Dez for dumping him. Dez hands Zak his ring back. He takes it. Well, a future Bachelor would have let Dez keep the ring. You don’t go taking gifts back and expect to be the next Bachelor. 

This is what it looks like to be dumped on TV

Dez throws Zak in his confessional limo so he can cry some more. It must suck to make out with a girl in your driveway, see her 10 seconds later, and she dumps you. The limo pulls over so Zak can roll down the window and throw his ring away. He’s back in the game! That’s life in the fast lane. That’s the Bachelorette.

Next week, no one eats their basket lunches and I weep.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and would eat his crackers, if given the chance.

Bachelorette Recap- Puf! Zrrr! Psh Psh Psh Psh! Boom

Read this paragraph like you’re in line for a Roller Coaster at a theme park. This recap is not recommended for people with a history of heart failure, vertigo, back or spine injuries, pregnant women, sober people, people who like grammar, people with rose allergies, or people who are here for the wrong reasons.

Dez (she’s Dez, now) has formed feelings for 6 guys. She has taken them to Madeira, Portugal to advance that love. It’s time for stock footage of people staring off into space while thinking about love. It’s time for the Bachelorette.

The horny group rides a Pirate ship into Madeira. It’s beautiful and full of lizards and hope. Drew says, “If you can’t fall in love in a place like this, you better check your pulse because you’re probably not breathing.” Drew doesn’t really understand what a pulse is.

Because nothing happens on this show and there is no content because it’s stupid, we start with annoying chatter.  A group of Dez’s friends from a previous season of the Bachelor have clawed their way back onto television to offer Dez advice on which of the men she should sleep with. There’s a ton of head nodding.

My ears bleed from the undecipherable, annoying girl talk. The ‘Sean’ season winner talks about Sean. Sean Lowe was a Bachelor. Keep up! The guys come out with their shirts off to swim in front of the girls. One of the girls has binoculars. When I use binoculars, people get mad. They ask Dez who has the biggest bleep. It’s super funny. Dez’s friends threaten to rape her boyfriends and everyone laughs because it’s funny.

Brooks gets the first 1-on-1 date. The rest of the guys high-five Brooks to wish him luck on his date with their girlfriend. Whenever a guy takes my wife out for a make-out session, I always make sure that there’s enough gas in his car and that he’s completely ready to bed my wife.

Brooks and Dez drive to a Portuguese cliff to look over the cliff. Brooks and Dez drive around and make up words that fit in a scale between ‘like’ and ‘love’. They look at more cliffs and talk about how cool the cliffs are. Dez tells the camera how cool this all is and how she can’t wait to have a good time with Brooks. 

Brooks tells the camera that their date is cool.

Dez says, “When I’m with Brooks, every day is an adventure”, because, when they’re back in the real world, there will be nothing but cliffs and Pirate ships and lanterns and hot tubs.

They sit on a mountain in the clouds so Brooks can tell the camera how trying to understand how he feels puts him in the clouds. Dez and Brooks discuss where they’ll live if they get married for 2 months. Brooks has a sweater draped across his legs because he’s chilly, which is a huge turn-on for women. 

Clouds roll in on their mountain while they drink wine on a blanket. ABC plays ‘cloud’ music. Dez says she’s on cloud 9. She’s surrounded by clouds. Keep up! They totally make out and do that whispery ‘make out’ talking thing. Brooks is killing this date. He had a great idea to be directed by Bachelor Producers to this cloud-covered mountain. 

Dez, who is on cloud 9, says, “Picture the best dream you’ve ever had, and then times that by ten. That’s what I’m living”. So, if I make this personal, Dez is eating peanut butter and fluff and making out with 10 Melissa Gilberts while watching 10 episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Dez and Brooks somehow escape a mountain covered in clouds to make it to a dinner in an alley in Madeira, Portugal. Brooks explains that he had a tough time growing up. His brother must have slept in the living room. Dez came up with the words in between like and love; stepping, skipping, running, and then finish-line. Feel free to use that scale at home to determine the progress of your own relationships.

Dez says that they’re at the ‘running’ portion of like/love. You guys, that’s so close to ‘finish-line’. They’re almost in love! Brooks tells the camera that he isn’t sure if he’s ‘running’ yet. Brooks is only ‘jogging’. It’s dramatic. Brooks takes love seriously. He takes love so seriously that he plays Dodge Ball on TV to attain it.

Dez and Brooks are in the middle of cuddly whisper talk when ABC destroys the moment with a loud fireworks show. I swear, ABC is responsible for 90% if the world’s fireworks supply. They make out while the fireworks make noise. Dez says, “When I kiss Brooks, I feel the Puf! Zrrr! Psh Psh Psh Psh! Boom!”  I can no longer remember anything I learned in school.

The dream clouds date comes to an end, like all dream clouds date must. The next date is a 1-on-1 date for Chris. Zak congratulates Chris on his alone time with the woman Zak declared love for 7 days ago. Chris has also made his love for Dez public. Everyone is in love. It’s like a Hallmark Movie Channel Hall of Fame movie.

Chris is excited. He tells the camera, “I’m excited. I’m really, really, really excited”.  When Dez arrives at their suite, Dez asks Chris, “Are you excited” and Chris says, “I am. I’m excited.” Keep up!

Dez and Chris get in a yacht which takes them out to the middle of an ocean, or something. Chris says, “We’re boating”. Then, he puts lotion on Dez’s back while ABC plays a sultry ‘back lotion’ tune. Chris talks about the physical attraction they have for each other. I swear my TV is 4-D because, I can feel their attraction through my speakers. I turn my fan up to 3.

They drive (do you drive a boat?) out to a deserted island. Are there zerted islands? Can an island be zerted? Did anyone even read down this far?

They eat on TV. We watch. Dez explains how crazy and independent she is. There is a ton of talking. It’s magical. Chris decides that they’re going to write a poem together. This frickin’ guy never stops writing poems. The plan is to write a poem, put it in a bottle, and then pollute the Atlantic with their words. I hope their poem chokes an Orca and PETA finds Chris and beats the shit out of him. 

Chris rambles on about how he’s going to tell Dez he loves her, so we have that to look forward to. This tool is going to take 40 minutes to tell Dez he loves her. Unlike Brooks, Chris does not have the clever like/love ratio, so he’ll be handicapped with the English language.

They eat dinner in another Portuguese alley. Dez tells Chris she wants 3-to-4 kids, just some normal conversation. There’s a ton of talking and we haven’t even gotten to the uncomfortable ‘love’ part. I hate this show.

Chris stalls because he’s nervous about telling the woman he’s dated for 15 minutes at a time over 6 weeks that he loves her. Chris, of course, wrote ANOTHER FREAKING POEM. He reads the poem. America listens to Chris’s poem. It’s a good thing the 4th of July already happened because it may have been cancelled by Chris’s poem if this episode aired last week. 

Chris finally tells Dez he loves her and they make out over their dinner. There’s loud slurping while the Bachelorette band jams an appropriate ‘Chris loves Dez’ tune. They walk and make out more. Their microphones are strategically placed directly under their salivary glands. Their slurping is louder than machine gun fire. Chris and Dez talk about how much they like making out with each other. Then, they make out more.

That date took four years off of my life.

Michael gets the next 1-on-1 date. Three 1-on-1 dates! This show has no rules! Dez tells the camera that she’s excited about her date with Michael. When she walks up to greet Michael, she asks, “Are you excited?” and he says, “Yeah, I’m excited” and she says, “I’m excited too!”  I thought you should know everyone’s level of excitement for this date.

They explore Portugal, which is not in South America. Michael likes Dez. I’m not sure where his level of like is. They should keep a like/love meter on the bottom of the screen.  Michael says, “If you were on a scavenger hunt for a perfect woman, and there were a list of 47 criteria you had to meet to find that perfect woman, Desiree has 48”. First of all, Michael, she’s Dez now. Second of all, you set forth a predetermined scale of numbers and then you couldn’t stay within that scale. Why set a scale to begin with, Michael? What kind of sense does that make? This show has no rules.

They sit near a waterfall to make out. Then, they jump in a man-powered toboggan. Dez screams the whole time. She tells the camera how exciting Michael is to be with, because, of course, real life is full of toboggan rides.

Michael compares love to a wild toboggan ride. I don’t think love is ever thrown down a hill by a pair of Portuguese men, but I’ll admit that I don’t know everything about love.

Dez is worried that Michael isn’t vulnerable enough. He’s composed zero poems so… you know… duh?

Michael and Dez talk about how much fun their date is. They drink and eat on TV. There’s a ton of talking. Michael talks about how rough he had it growing up. His brother had to sleep in the living room. Michael tells Dez what he wants written on his tombstone. I did not make that last sentence up.

Michael tells a story about his past girlfriend announcing on Facebook that she had a new guy. I’m really glad I never dated a woman in the age of Facebook because, you girls is crazy #crazy! Michael talks more about how great Dez is. Dez says that Michael is one of the greatest guys she has ever met. Good thing she’s dating a bunch of her favorite men.

They finish eating and walk down to watch a Portuguese woman sing while ABC rolls out Portuguese B-roll. All in all, the date was a 47-out-of-47.

Drew and Zak have the next date. It’s a dreaded 2-on-1 date, which means someone gets dumped after they eat dinner. There’s a ton on the line. The winners this week get to take Dez back to be horribly embarrassed by their families.

Drew is super nervous about his date. Cameras show Drew on a balcony, thinking about the consequences. It’s the kind of gripping, behind-the-scenes footage that Bachelorette fans have come to expect.

Zak says that he’s 100% in love with Dez. At least HE knows how to do Math. Dez takes her two boyfriends to a Race Track to race go-carts. The guys talk about how sexy Dez looks in her go-cart. Most of my sexual fantasies place women inside of go-carts. 

ABC gives us 4 minutes of thrilling go-cart footage. The sports quota has been destroyed, 100%. Dez, Drew, and Zak talk about how exciting riding go-carts is. Dez suggests a race between Zak and Drew. The winner gets a surprise. I bet it’s fireworks.

The go-cart race is… I don’t know. I passed out for a few minutes because of all the go-cart excitement. Seriously guys, consult your Doctor before watching the Bachelorette. You have no idea.

Zak wins. Dez Is super impressed. I know, before I asked my wife to marry me, I made her go-cart race another woman to make sure she was the one. 

Dez, Zak and Drew drink wine in the infield of the go-cart track. Some poor Bachelorette interns had to set up pillows and a blanket. It looks completely comfortable.

The guys take turns walking Dez away from the track to talk and make out. Because he won the race, Zak gets first dibs on the tonsil hockey. (That was the surprise!) Zak pulls out a sketch pad of their dating history. It’s a giant sketch pad and Zak wasn’t just carrying it around, so I’m sure the pillow interns had to hold it until the right moment. Dez thanks Zak for the sketches by slurping all over his mouth. 

Drew takes Dez away next to talk and make out. Drew plans on telling Dez he loves her. Last week, ABC acted like Drew had a deep, dark secret to confess. He didn’t. ABC is a tease.

They talk and there’s talking. Things get awkward as Drew tries to build up the courage to say the ‘L’ word. I don’t know what he’s worried about. Dez hears about a guy loving her every 20 minutes. At this point, she’ll probably be bored to hear it. 

Drew tells Dez about his mentally handicapped sister. He makes Dez promise she’ll go to pick up his sister back at his hometown. Dez agrees, even though there’s a 50% chance she dumps Drew in 7 minutes. Drew tells Dez he loves her and they make out. While they’re slurping, Drew says, “I’ve fallen for you”. We know this because ABC provides subtitles.

With her breath still reeking of both men, Dez gives out her rose. She gives it to Drew. Zak sits on his cushions and smiles about how Drew got his rose. I guess he didn’t get dumped. I screwed up. He still has a chance at the Rose Ceremony. It must be comforting for Zak to know that, even if he does get a rose later, Dez still doesn’t like him as much as she likes Drew. He must only fit 28-out-of-47 criteria.

Does anyone annunciate as well as Jan, the Toyota girl? I think I love her. I’m, at the very least, jogging.

Chris Harrison trots out for a pointless interview with Dez. They recap the things we have just watched. Dez tells Chris Harrison that Drew is the best looking guy she has ever met. I’ve never met Drew so I can’t comment. Harrison brings up Brooks and Dez start to cry. She admits she’s in love but Brooks didn’t say he loves her SO SHE’S SCARED AND I’M SCARED AND AMERICA IS SCARED. Because Chris Harrison cares about Dez, he shows her all of the video footage of Brooks to help her determine whether or not he’s sincere. Oh, wait. They don’t do that.

Don’t fall for this ‘Brooks’ crap, by the way. ABC is making you think that he’s already won to make the finale dramatic. Nothing has been determined yet. This show has no rules.

The Rose Ceremony is next. ABC cameras capture the guys packing their bags. They’re either dumped, or taking Dez to meet their families. I can almost taste the end of this horrible season of the worst show on television.  Dez gives a speech about how excited she is. Apparently, none of the guys have been paying attention, or else they would have already known how excited she was.

Dez dumps Michael. It’s emotional. They sit on a bench so Dez can cry and tell him how she thinks the world of him. She sure is having trouble showing that.

Michael handles it like a pro. He says that no girl will ever match up to Dez. I wonder if he’ll write anything about this on his tombstone. Dez walks Michael to his Bachelorette limo so he can act confused in front of the cameras. Michael does not cry… until he’s alone in the limo. It’s a strong move. Ladies and Gentlemen… your next Bachelor. 

Michael calls his Mom from the limo to tell her that he’s been dumped. If this guy isn’t the next Bachelor, I’l

l eat a handful of dimes.

Next week, families grab their 15-minutes of fame and bearhug it into submission. It’s Hometown Date week. While the credits roll, Michael and Dez eat fruit. That’s how I want to remember him, eating fruit.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and he can’t believe you read down this far.

Bachelorette Recap- Soccer, Slurping, and Spain

This season of the Bachelorette is a lot like a fight between two trolls on an internet message board; no one is watching and no one cares who wins. Dez (she’s Dez now) has dumped a bunch of her boyfriends (well, one dumped her) in an attempt to find one, true 6-moth love. Her journey has taken her from California, to New Jersey, to Germany to Spain… or something. Actually it’s OUR journey. We’re all on this ride together, unless you’re not watching or reading about this journey. My numbers indicate you’re smart and staying away. It’s time for tears and drama. It’s the Bachelorette.

With content at a premium, ABC begins tonight’s episode with 2 minutes of preview footage. If the teasers are accurate, Dez will fall in love 7 times tonight and have her heart broken 4 times. It’s an action packed episode. They are in Spain… or something so, anything goes. This show has no rules. 

Dez says that Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. I wish they’d go to Compton so we could hear how Compton is the perfect place to fall in love. She says, “I love everything about this place, the buildings, the … churches”. Dez, churches are buildings. You don’t love everything. You love two things about Barcelona and they’re the same thing. Do you also love lamp?

The guys are back to hating James because he has his sights set on being the next Bachelor, not on Dez. It’s a crime. Chris Harrison welcomes them by saying ‘Welcome’ in Spanish. Es muy mal. Harrison immediately warns everyone that THERE WILL NOT BE A COCKTAIL PARTY THIS WEEK. What the hell happened to this show? It used to be fueled by alcohol. They keep skipping the cocktail parties. Es muy mal. 

There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. No cocktail parties!

Drew is excited about his 1-on-1 date. He says, “It’s the best feeling in the world”. Apparently, Drew has never had sex or cleaned out his ear with a Q-tip.

They begin their date by making out. Then, they drink from a fountain that magically brings you back to Spain. Then, they eat on TV so Drew can tell Dez about his father, who is a recovered alcoholic. It’s an inspiring story about a man who conquered his problems. Drew cries while talking. Soft piano guy hits his stride. We’re Bachelorettific. Then, Drew says his Dad has cancer. Soft piano guy is joined by soft lute guy. They slow jam. After hearing about how Drew’s Dad has cancer, Dez says, “I really enjoyed hearing about his Dad”.

Dez and Drew walk around Spain to make out and ‘White People’ dance. ABC interns set up a romantic table with lanterns to set the scene for more emotional conversation.  Drew drags Dez into an alley to make out more. It’s romantic. It’s romantic because they’re frantically followed by two camera guys, a boom mic guy, a light guy and six ‘lantern’ interns. They hang out in this alley and Dez gives Drew a rose. I don’t know where she got it from. She must have stashed the rose ‘prison’ style.

Because he’s safe, Drew reveals the ugly truth about James and how he is here for the wrong reasons. Dez thanks Drew for telling her about her other boyfriend’s misdeeds. Then, she makes out some more with Drew, one of her 8 boyfriends. If you’re keeping score at home, dating 8 guys is ‘right’ and talking about being the Bachelor on a show populated by people desperate for attention is ‘wrong’.

The group date is next. Juan Pablo is a part of the group and hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet. He’s super bummed. Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter at home. I guess it’s possible that he told everyone before but, I can never understand what Juan Pablo is saying.

The guys roll up to a soccer stadium in a minivan. We’ve shifted gears to ‘Sportsy’. They all run along singing the ‘Ole’ song. It’s painful.  Sportsy quota filled.

The guys have to play a professional girls soccer team in soccer. Juan Pablo plays soccer so he’s good at soccer. It’s a huge advantage because the goal of this show is to find a husband… by beating your boyfriends in soccer. I know, I know. What follows next is 10 minutes of Bachelorette soccer. It’s worse than you’re imagining. The important thing is that Dez is learning a lot about the men she intends to marry by playing soccer. Juan Pablo kicks a ball and then high-fives Dez. You know you’ve won a girl’s heart when she high-fives you. If I had known they were going to play soccer, I would have drafted up Bachelorette Soccer Fantasy teams.

There is kicking and goals. Everyone has jerseys with their names on them. The ‘lantern’ interns also do jersey screening. James is the men’s goalie and it doesn’t even look like he’s trying. He’s not trying. The girls score 10 goals on James. He’s there for the wrong reasons. The guys are all, “James isn’t into anything. He’s not into the soccer game. He’s not into Dez.” James’ terrible goaltending is the reason the guys lose to the girls. I’m a little steamed because I bet twelve-hundred dollars on the guys. I might lose my thumbs.

When the soccer match is mercifully over, the group gets together to drink. They take turns making out with Dez. One of the guys says, “It’s time to KICK it with Dez”. It’s a soccer pun. I run around my living room because I have trouble containing how clever and hilarious this show is.

Dez pulls Chris onto a couch. She reads Chris a poem. It rhymes. They make out. Es muy mal. Six minutes later, Brooks has Dez on a couch in a different room. They chat and make out. Keep up!

Kasey the Hashtag guy pulls James aside to confront him about his terribleness. Drew helps him. I take a handful of Tums in anticipation of the tension. The drama on the Bachelorette is giving me an ulcer. The music used for this confrontation scene is the kind of music they play in a movie when someone is defusing a bomb.

Background: The guys overheard James talking to Mikey about how they should hang out on Mikey’s boat with girls in Chicago and how James could be the next Bachelor. Boom. 

Kasey says that James’ behavior is a slap in the face to the other guys all dating the same girl on television. James defends himself by saying that he’s been on a 1-on-1 date with Dez, so he must be here for the right reasons. It makes a ton of sense. They shout back and forth about stuff and interrupt each other. There’s pointing. 

James says, “Hey Mikey, you got a boat? Let’s hang out in Chicago and be cool!” I’m having trouble following the conversation. The other guys yell at him. James says that it’s not bad to want to be the Bachelor.

James wins the argument in the end by saying, “**** you, **** you, and **** you!” It’s a trump card.

Dez confronts James about his Hollywood aspirations. Dez swears a bunch. It’s dramatic. She says, “He doesn’t deserve another day in Spain”. James tries to defend himself by throwing his friend Mikey under the bus. He says that Mikey didn’t have a connection with Dez because he spent 11 less minutes with her. None of this explains why James wasn’t trying to play goalie!

James starts to cry. James’ crying is the most pathetic moment in Bachelorette history. Dez cries over James crying. Everyone is crying. The ‘lantern’ interns are crying, probably.

James tries to convince Dez to keep him around for the Rose Ceremony. She says that she needs a minute. She walks away for 18 seconds. She walks back and says she’ll sleep on it. So she does. She sleeps on it. I’m glad she can sleep because I won’t. This show is intense.

James gloats to the camera about changing Dez’s mind. James vows to win the show to stick it to the guys who have stabbed him in the back. Notice how he vows to win the show and not Dez. He’s here for the wrong reasons. He’s certainly not here to play goalie! James cries some more on his minivan ride back to the hotel. He cries more in the hotel elevator. 

As he walks through the door, showing the guys that he’s still around, the music hits a crippling crescendo. James’ big entrance is him stopping in the doorway and saying, “Gentlemen, good night”.

This whole James thing has taken 40 minutes. I hate this show.

Shirtless guy Zak has the next 1-on-1 date. Chris, a man who has stated how he’s in love with Dez, wishes Zak good luck on the date. It makes sense to wish a guy good luck when he takes the woman you love on a date. Why would you wish them bad luck?

ABC tells us that Zak is a Drilling Fluids Engineer. I looked it up on Google. Drilling Fluids Engineers are also known as Mud Engineers and they make $100,000 a year. Zak doesn’t have to sleep in the living room.

Zak and Dez draw pictures of Spain and art. I miss the James drama. ABC brings out a male model for Dez and Zak to draw. Then, they draw each other. It’s so hot, I punch myself in the groin to calm down. Zak’s picture of Dez is terrible, but we all totally LOL forever because of how goofy life is. I … I’m sorry. I’m still laughing over that goofy picture of Dez. You totally had to be there. It was super goofy.

Another male model comes out and takes his clothes off. Calamity! They draw the naked guy so Dez can figure out if she’s going to marry Zak. Zak takes his clothes off and they make out in Art class. Zak has abs, and he’s goofy. He’s totes a 10-out-of-10! 

When the art is done, they… sorry… laughing again over the goofy picture. When the art is done, they go to a cave to eat on TV. The ‘lantern’ interns work overtime this episode. Is Barcelona the city of lanterns?

Dez asks Zak about his life and they talk. There’s a ton of talking. It’s good to get a break from the drama and the goofiness. My heart was ready to explode. You have no idea. Dez and Zak make out. I turn my TV up full blast and the slurping scares my dog. Dez gives Zak a rose because you can grate cheese on his stomach. Zak tells Dez that she means everything to him. You guys, he’s totally here for the right reasons.

Back at the hotel, James pulls Drew aside to talk. Keep up! They talk about being here for the right reasons. That’s all anyone ever talks about on this show. Drew tells James that his future is 100% about being with Dez. I wonder how he’s going to use the bathroom. James yells at Drew. Drew yells back. James yells at Drew to stop yelling. There’s more yelling. They keep yelling. My neighbors must think that my wife and I fight every Monday night. I’d explain myself to them but, I don’t want them to know that I watch the Bachelorette. 

There’s a half-hour of show left and no cocktail party. All of the dates are over and there’s nothing left to do. This is going to be the longest half-hour of my life. Es muy mal.

Dez drops a bomb by showing up at the guys’ hotel room. She’s there to dump James. She’s there for the right reasons. ABC puts a Twitter question out to their audience. It says, “Should Dez dump James?” Anyone who tweeted ‘No’ is totally here for the wrong reasons.

Dez and James go outside to sit on some steps to talk. There is so much talking. Dez is about to dump him but, James changes her mind. ABC is obviously worried about Dez finding a husband because they immediately pull her aside and show her the footage of James being there for the wrong reasons. Oh, wait. They don’t do that. They make her play soccer.

After 15 minutes of bullcrap, Dez keeps James around. Boom. I’d say that she’s Dez now but, I don’t know who she is anymore.

James once again walks back into the hotel room to gloat about being able to stay. The rest of Dez’s boyfriends have looks on their faces like people at a Wake trying to think of things to say to the widow.

Chris asks James, “What did you guys talk about?” It’s hilarious. I think they talked about the thing you’ve all been talking about for 3 weeks, Chris. Write another poem!

There is more yelling. Despite the last two weeks of controversy, James still thinks it’s alright to want to be the next Bachelor. He’s not here for the right reasons. He’s a terrible soccer goalie. You have no idea. Es muy mal!

Before the Rose Ceremony, Dez looks at pictures of her boyfriends to help her decide which ones to dump. Three guys will go home and wait by the phone to see if they become the next Bachelor.

Dez says that this is the hardest decision she’s ever had to make. Just wait until next week, Dez. You have no idea. There is dramatic music. America holds its breath while waiting to see who is getting the final rose. Chris Harrison, who left the room 4 seconds ago, comes back to tell everyone that the rose they’re looking at is the final rose. Chris Harrison is as useful as T-Rex arms.

Michael, the lawyer guy my wife hates, gets the final rose. After all of that, Dez dumped James. She also dumped Hashtag Kasey and Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo’s daughter who no one knew existed. Juan Pablo is sad and cries about being dumped. I’m sure he will recover from this vicious blow by having sex with 18 women at the same time. Did you know, when your name is Juan Pablo, you don’t even have to talk to women? They’ll just have sex with you. It’s true. 

James complains to the camera that he got jobbed. Try stopping a soccer ball, hypocrite.

Dez tells the rest of her boyfriends that they’re going to Portugal. In 5th grade, we had to do a report on South American countries and I did my report on Portugal. I got a ‘B’. It’s not until later in life that you learn that teachers drink a lot.

In the preview of the rest of the season, Dez has her heart broken. There are buckets of tears. Some of it happens in Portugal. They show Drew confessing something to Dez. My wife thinks that Drew might be gay. I hope people on message boards will call it ‘Drew gay-gate’.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and once got a ‘B’ writing about Portugal for a project on South American Countries.