Bachelorette Recap- America Exports Sluttiness

There are only a couple more weeks until Arie wins the Bachelorette. You are used to reading things like this but I sincerely mean it, last week’s episode of the Bachelorette was the worst I’ve seen. The recap was terrible. This week, we’re ready to get back to good times because Emily has brought her boyfriends to Croatia and ‘Croatia’ is the Croatian word for ‘fun’. There will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date.

I feel bad for these exotic, far away countries that have to host the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Why should their ancient shops and castles be subjected to our freaky, 6-on-1 courtship techniques? America is exporting sluttiness. My computer does not recognize ‘sluttiness’ as a word. Of course it doesn’t. My computer was not made in America. I fear the Bachelor franchise might be unsuccessful in their attempt to infiltrate the globe with smut.

Not only is it time for a return of fun, it’s also time for the guys to start throwing around the word ‘love’. ‘Love’ is the Bachelorette word for ‘I want to remain a contestant on this Game Show’. Things are getting serious. Emily says the word ‘daggone’ twice this week. TWICE! I had to look up the correct spelling and found this definition for ‘daggone’ at the Urban dictionary:

A polite way of saying "G****mn"

I stepped in the dog’s daggone poop.



I hurried up and bookmarked that webpage so I can always look at it. Now it’s like a picture of a loved one I keep in a pocket watch.



We kick off this week’s episode with footage of Emily thinking in front of a castle while we listen to her talk about love. Emily shipped her daughter back to Carolina which will leave producers scrambling to fill in the 4-minute hole of exploitative footage.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ gives us the perfect quote to set the mood:

“Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love”.

It should be noted that ABC producers instruct at least one contestant to say this sentence about every city ever visited. It’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, “I’ll be back”.



Travis gets the first 1-on-1 date. Travis talks about possibly finding his wife while cameras capture footage of him changing his shirt. They go for a Croatian walk and find a Croatian balance stone and Emily says that, if men can balance on the stone while taking their shirt off, they’ll be lucky in love. Travis balances but keeps his shirt on. Emily says ”I’m really bummed out that Travis didn’t take off his shirt because I’ve been wondering, what’s underneath that shirt”. I told you things are getting serious. Then, they dance to Croatian fiddle music.

Travis says, “As far as dates go, this is a ‘10’… on a scale of ‘8’”. Travis fell out of the predetermined scale when trying to measure the wealth of his date with Emily. It’s a shame because it seemed like such an easy scale to stay on. You would think, when laying down your own parameters, you would be able to stay within them. On a scale of 1-to-10, Travis is a ‘1’ at judging date value. Thank you for reading down this far.

After some more pointless wandering around Croatia, they eat on television. Travis tells Emily she’s “an amazing lady”. Is that a good thing to tell a girl? Should I have been using that line? Can I go back? Curse marriage!

After sitting down to a dinner they don’t eat, they hug. Emily gushes about how much fun she’s had and Travis talks about how he can see himself with her forever and then she dumps him. Travis doesn’t get a rose. It was obvious that he was not winning this Game Show. Emily has made it clear that she seeks male baby-making chemicals and abdominals. Guys, if you have abs, make excuses to show them. Tell them you have an itch. Pretend like a spider crept up your shirt. Scream that invisible Nascar flames have engulfed your torso and rip the shirt off. Be creative.



Travis says, “Rejection sucks. It sucks with a capital S-U-C-K”. See, I still don’t think you guys are seeing how serious things have gotten. Travis cries about being dumped and then walks off into the Croatian rain. In, perhaps, the greatest moment in television history, Travis tosses away his umbrella to let the Croatian rain wash away his sadness. I laugh hard enough to move an end table. The end table was across the room.



Back at the Hotel, the men hang out on couches to give Ryan a chance to act like a villain. With Kalon gone, Ryan has the evil spotlight and plays the role to a ‘T’. The group date card comes and Ryan finds out that he has the other 1-on-1 date. He handles the information with smugness. The rest of the guys brood. It’s dramatic.



Emily greets her group-date group by saying she’s excited 4 times in 5 sentences. The group date starts with a 4-minute infomercial for a Disney movie that I won’t give further publicity to. It’s pathetic, even by Bachelorette standards. An entire segment of the show is burned on a commercial. Luckily for me, there is still 90 minutes of show remaining.



When they’re done servicing Mickey Mouse, the guys put on kilts to compete in Highland games. That’s tree-throwing and bow-and-arrowing. I’m pretty sure, even know they’re in Croatia, everything that comes next is Scottish, including the accents of the Highland game referees, but I’m not going to waste a lot of time thinking about it. Chris proves to be less manly than the rest of the group and fails miserably at Highland games.

Chris serves up a gem of a quote “If that’s what it takes for me… to have to throw a log to find love….”

Emily admires him for trying hard and gives Chris a courage trophy. Then, they make out. I immediately open another window to see if this courage trophy is available on Ebay.



Commercial break: New ABC show! Glass House! You guys, ‘Glass House’ is like a total metaphor come to life! They LIVE IN A GLASS HOUSE!!!!!SCREAMM!!!!!!1111!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!11111!!!

The group date continues at a Croatian night club. Emily takes 10 minutes to make out with each of the men individually. She makes out with giant religious Sean. Arie, the eventual winner of the show, drags her into an alley to do some serious face-sucking. It’s… uncomfortable. It’s a solid 3 minutes. The Disney commercial was shorter.

Back at the hotel, Ryan talks to himself and shaves on camera. I long for the uncomfortable face-slurping.



We’re back at the Croatian night club (KEEP UP!) and Emily is now making out with Jef with 1 ‘f’. I wonder if these guys can taste each other. I mean, they’re minutes away from making out with the other contestants. Jef with 1 ‘f’ comes close to proposing marriage. Emily unleashes the first ‘daggone’ of the night. It takes my daggone breath away.

Geeky under-athletic Chris guy acts like a dork and shakes his head from side to side like Harry Carey while telling Emily how much he likes her. She gives him a rose. The official raises his hands above his head. Chris is in the friend zone. (Sports quota filled)



The next day, they show Ryan shaving for the second time in 12 hours and he still has a full beard. Ryan said this week that he’s played Professional Football. I opened another window to check his credentials. He played defensive back for the Orlando Predators in the Arena Football League. I watched 43 seconds of his Youtube highlight package; anything to not be watching the Bachelorette.

Ryan acts like a jerk the entire date. I’m thinking Emily can’t dump him because she already dumped someone and there’s still 73 minutes left and they need to have a rose ceremony. I’m thinking producers are yelling at Emily, telling her she has to give Ryan a rose. It’s clear she does not like him.

They sit down to dinner and Emily dumps him. That’s the Bauch version of what happens. ABC managed to break it up with a commercial and made it last 18 minutes.

We did get two quality quotes from Ryan during the date:



“I’m a very safe driver... you may not FEEL safe…”

“That is very shocking because I did not see that coming.”

Ryan is very sad in the limo. He doesn’t mention Emily. He asks very nicely for the producers to edit the footage to make him look good. I did not make that last part up.



There’s a ton of time left and there is no content remaining. ABC tells the eventual winner of the show, Arie, to sneak off to Emily’s hotel to make out with her. Arie decides to sneak off to Emily’s hotel to make out with her. We open the scene with Emily getting home from dumping Ryan. Three separate cameras are there to capture a knock at the door. Emily acts surprised. The cameras show her opening the door to see who it is. A separate camera, placed behind Arie in full high definition make-up and mic’d up properly, captures Emily’s stunned reaction to this chance meeting from a different angle. It’s really quite a surprise. Emily can’t believe Arie snuck away to make out with her.



Three cameras follow Emily and Arie up to the bedroom to make out. It’s filmed at three different angles. They get close up and far away angles of the tonsil hockey. There is much slurping. It makes their Croatian alley make-out session looks like a cousin-hug. It’s endless. Holy cow, there’s just so much close-up making out and it’s so uncomfortable and how the hell can these people do this with 3 sweaty teamsters pointing cameras at them. Also, Emily’s daughter Ricki is always in the back of her mind.



Emily gives Arie a secret rose that is not recognized by Bachelorette officials as a round-qualifying rose.



At the cocktail party, Emily says she’s either going to send Wolf or Doug the Dad home. She pulls them each aside to talk. Wolf cries about his dead grandparents in a desperate attempt to remain on the show. He pulls out his grandparents’ prayer card for further effect.

“I didn’t think he’d be the type of guy to carry around his grandparents’ funeral cards”.- self explanatory.

They make out while Wolf holds his grandparents’ withered funeral cards in his hand.



Emily talks to Doug the Dad next and he acts like he’s never talked to a woman before. Then, Doug cries to the camera about the son he’s abandoned in order to show America his abs. Luckily for Doug the Dad, Emily already kicked two guys off the show already, so she can’t send anyone else home.



They pretend like there’s going to be a rose ceremony and they pretend like one guy isn’t getting a rose. Emily gives away all but one rose and then pauses like she’s ready to cry. Chris Harrison, who just got done telling the room that there was only one rose remaining, is somehow magically three football fields away. Emily comes running after him to ask if she can keep both Wolf and Doug the Dad. Harrison is scheduled to step back in that room 2 milliseconds after she gives away her final rose, but we’re to believe that Harrison is hanging out in front of the castle with a producer, completely oblivious to this planned sham of an ending. It’s insulting. It’s a worse stunt than the Disney commercial and the Arie sneak-away make-out session combined. ABC also used fake preview footage throughout the night to make it look like Emily had a heroic stand and demanded to know what the guys are saying behind her back. I’m betrayed. America is betrayed. I thought Croatia was better than this.



So, no one else goes home. Tonight’s episode was super awesome. Next week, Emily is bringing her boyfriends to Prague. Poor Prague.

Bachelorette Recap- Completely Pointless Television

“I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood-rat backwoods on his ass.”- Emily Maynard




You would think with a quote like that that this show would be interesting but it’s not. Emily is down to 10 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. There isn’t much show to go until Arie wins this season of the Bachelorette, but there is plenty of pointless footage to recap.



For those of you who don’t watch the show, Monday night’s Bachelorette was the most boring episode of all time. I don’t know many total seasons there have been in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, but last night’s episode was by far the worst. My wife, the show’s biggest fan and only reason I ever started doing these god-awful recaps in the first place, just stopped watching. She walked away and called her Mom and then paid some bills halfway through. The episode wasn’t outrageous or corny. It was without purpose. It’s a bad television show.



I’ll try to make this recap as interesting as possible but there really isn’t anything to report.

Chris Harrison flies the crew out to London, England to make out and fake like they’re trying to produce a television show. Harrison gets serious at the start and reminds his ab-pack that the winning prize on this Game show is being someone’s husband. The guys show serious faces and act serious. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and the stupidest group date.



Emily says “I’ve wanted to come to England forever”. She parades her 6-year old daughter in front of the cameras for a while before ditching the kid to go out on dates with her 10 boyfriends.



Giant religious guy Shawn gets the first date. They take a double-decker bus tour of London to waste a little less gas than a helicopter ride. Shawn says, “London’s calling and I’m going to answer it”. I throw up in my mouth a little. They show famous English sites and take pictures and make out and I hate this show.



Back at the Hotel ‘Bad Kalon’ is back and says some bad things about the fact that Emily has a daughter. Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets mad and tells the camera how mad he is. When he talks, he pinches the air with his fingers. It’s like he’s holding a card in the air displaying the number.



Shawn and Emily drink wine on a blanket in a park where people shout out political takes. Shawn gets on a soap box to tell English people what love is. English people listen and clap. England is now ruined. Emily says that it’s hot. I can neither agree nor disagree.



Shawn and Emily eat dinner in a prison or something. Emily has a cold this week so she sounds like Harvey Fierstein when she talks. She sits Shawn down and demands to have more kids. And then Shawn says that he’d have kids, so Emily demands to know exactly how many times he’d be willing to breed because she wants a lot of kids and he says he’d have 8-to-10 kids so Emily gives him a rose. Then they go outside to make out and you’re just waiting for fireworks because, of course, there are going to be fireworks but they don’t blow off any fireworks and, so far, London sucks.



Please go spend 4 minute talking to someone you love on the phone rather than read these next couple of paragraphs.

The group date is super goofy. Some British people teach the guys to act out Shakespeare. It’s a totally new concept for this show because they have never tried to do this thing where contestants learn parts of a play and then act them out in front of a live audience. I mean, they did it last season and, about, 12 seasons before that but… it’s totally new to this year’s show.



What follows is 28 minutes of guys practicing and performing Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It makes me sorely miss last week’s gripping boat race. Guys say they’re nervous about doing Shakespeare, they make fun of the English words and then they act out Shakespeare. It takes 28 minutes. Evil personal trainer Ryan gets to kiss Emily at the end.





After the play, they go off to get drunk at a bar and Emily makes out with racecar driver Arie for 3 minutes, complete with slurpy goodness. Arie is pretty much the winner this season which makes all of this pointless television that much harder to put up with. Evil personal trainer Ryan gives Emily a necklace and Kalon sits in the other room to complain about Ricky, Emily’s daughter. He called her baggage.





Doug the Dad tattles on Kalon and Emily gets super mad and this is probably super dramatic in some worlds but I’m bored. I’m not a big fan of Doug the Dad, making it likely that he’ll be a Bachelor candidate after losing this season.

Emily does says, “I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood rat backwoods on his ass.”



Emily dumps Kalon in front of her 9 other boyfriends. She does that ‘Ghetto’ finger shake thing while she talks and things just got real. Emily swears more than Dustin Brown (sports quota filled) and they bleep it because this show isn’t being broadcast live.

In the goodbye cab ride home, there are no tears. Kalon tells the camera that he meant every word he says. He is pushing hard for a Bachelor Pad roster spot. Emily yells at the rest of her boyfriends for not ratting Kalon out sooner. Then she storms out of the date and runs back to the Hotel.



The next day brings a new chance for exploiting her baggage. Cameras capture some important footage of Emily and Ricky playing in bed.



Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets his big chance for a 1-on-1 date.

Emily takes Jef with 1 ‘f’ for British afternoon tea. Some British broad teaches them etiquette and they get uncomfortable and leave. They go to a British pub for a pint and some fish and chips because they’re in Britain. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is happy that it’s now just he and Emily and a couple of camera guys and a couple of sound guys and a producer and all of the other people in the pub and their waitress and, eventually, the millions of people watching at home.



After a pint in a pub (they’re in Britain) they ride a giant Ferris wheel with breathtaking views of all of the loos, pubs, lifts and pitches of Britain (they’re in Britain). Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks a lot and Emily sits there looking like she wants to jump on him. He makes her feel better about the night before when 7 of her boyfriends upset her. There are two really delicious looking desserts sitting in front of them the entire conversation and they don’t touch them and it’s wasteful and I would like to eat those desserts. Jef with 1 ‘f’ eventually makes out with her so we can hear the slurping. Jef with 1 ‘f’ asks Emily to make out with him before making out and it’s awkward.



There’s still like 40 minutes of this show left and I would really like for you all to stop reading these so I could stop recapping this garbage.



Next comes the cocktail party where Emily yells at a lot of her boyfriends again and then makes out with many of them.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison yells at the guys because it’s serious and they’re in London. Emily is boring. She yells at the guys one last time before dumping one of them.



ABC pretends like Arie is not winning the show by making it seem like Emily isn’t going to give him a rose. They make him the last guy to get a rose. It’s between him and the mushroom farmer who has spoken 4 words the entire season. It’s not suspenseful. It’s stupid.



Mushroom farmer does not cry in the limo. He does let America know that he’s ready for love so… go get’em ladies! He was in London, England last time I saw him.



Next week, the guys start throwing around the ‘love’ word and it’s totally taken forever for that to start happening. They’re going to Croatia and the guys all act excited to go to Croatia. I hate this show.

Bachelorette Recap- 27 Minutes of Boat Racing

Holy Cow! Someone better stack some sandbags around the drama-meter ‘cause that sucker is about to blow! (Please be advised that we have already maximized the exclamation point usage for one blog in the first paragraph. We’ve essentially fouled out in the first quarter. This is serious.)


The preview for tonight’s Bachelorette episode promises a butt-ton of drama. There will be heated arguments, fights, and someone gets stabbed in the face with a fireplace poker… probably. Look, you can’t rule it out. We’re talking about drama.



Emily Maynard is bringing her collection of Jay Crew models to Bermuda to find love. That’s not to say that the love they seek is in Bermuda. The love would already exist between her and one of her 16 boyfriends. They’re just going to Bermuda to see if there’s love. The love is universal. It exists everywhere. It’s not a product of Bermuda. It’s like the Force. There is now no single person left reading this blog. I’ve lost you all trying to explain love. I’m going to sneak an ‘F’ word down in paragraph 12.



Chris Harrison lays down the situation. There will be a 1-on-1 date this episode, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of the guys gets dumped during dinner. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple.



We open the episode with further exploitation of Emily’s daughter. She takes Ricki to Bermuda to make sure cameras can capture her being a good mother. They fly kites. Emily says, “When I’m on a date, Ricki is always on the back of my mind”. It will be gross to remember that when she’s making out with 4 guys in the span of 3 minutes.



The guys drive up to their Bermuda Hotel on mopeds while Bachelorette producers layer the scene with soft-core guitar rock. It’s the opposite of effect desired. One of the guys yells out, “Hello Bermuda”. Doug, the Dad, gets the 1-on-1 date. Doug is intense and will tell you to ‘Shut it’ if you’re out of line. The guys all tease Doug the Dad because he acts nervous about the prospect of being sent home on his date. He handles it well by threatening violence.

Emily comes to pick him up moments before he got super punchy. She says, “I walked into the room and there was a lot of tension”. Maybe that’s because you’re dating 16 guys.



Emily says that she and Doug get each other. Here is a collection of quotes from Doug uttered while they walked around Bermuda.



“I really like it here.”

“Are we going shopping?”

“Are we sampling?”

“I just like Island towns a lot.”

“That’s actually very nice.”

“Oh my God, let’s do it.”

“I’m just Doug.”

“If she wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.”

None of those were made up. To make sure Ricki isn’t the only child exploited, Doug and Emily write a postcard to his son back home. Then, they go to a moon gate to make a wish. Could you please read that last sentence again? It’s not exactly jamming a note inside of a clock, but they’re in Bermuda. After they walk through the moon gate, Doug says, “I could do that 1,000 times. It was awesome”.



Things get more fun when they sit down to dinner. Emily grills Doug to come up with some bad characteristics. She basically tells him to reveal his flaws. When Doug doesn’t, she gets agitated. It’s uncomfortable.

Doug gets a rose, even though Emily is upset that he didn’t kiss her. Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in months and months. He’s not ready.

So far, no one has been stabbed and the drama-meter has cobwebs on it. There has been very little drama. I find it hard to believe that Bachelorette producers would lie to us about the drama content of an episode so I’m guessing we can expect the next hour and 40 minutes to be explosive.



Next comes the group date. In an effort to get to know the men she could potentially marry, she sticks two separate groups on sail boats to spend zero time with her while they race against each other and she stands on a different boat with an air horn.



ABC brings in some random dude to lay down the rules; winners get more time with Emily, losers go back to the Hotel. I don’t know who this Chris Harrison sub-in is, but he has no poise or style. Where the hell was Chris Harrison? Could he not make it to Bermuda?

Sean the giant Religious guy has a strong quote about the stakes, “I played D-1 college football. I know what it’s like to be serious”.



What comes next is a straight out 27-minute boat race. Its 10 guys, who have no idea how to sail, sailing. It is 27-minutes. This season of the Bachelorette is devoid of content. They faked the audience out with preview footage of a guy losing his finger but his finger is just sore. It’s a chasm. I hated every second and there were 1620 of them.



Some guy named Charlie was on the losing team and he cries on the minivan ride home. He cries… because he lost a boat race… along with 4 other guys who are also dating his girlfriend. He cried.

Charlie says, “This is the last thing I expected to happen. The last thing”. So, he was in a boat race and he lost the boat race and that’s the last thing he expected to happen. I guess if President Barack Obama parasailed onto Emily’s boat and started making out with her while shooting a rifle into the air, it would have been less surprising.



The race car driver Arie and Emily snuggle with an afghan on the beach in Bermuda. It must be Winter there. They make out and there is slurping. I would say that Arie is going to win the Bachelorette at this point. Emily is kind of really into him. The kissing is a bit much. I mean, can’t they lower the volume on the slurping? Do I need to hear slurping? If there was no slurping, would people write letters and send angry texts to ABC? Was there a test group who previewed the season in one of those rooms with a two-sided mirror and the guys in lab coats on the other side of the mirror monitored their vital signs and indicated an increase in pleasure lobes of the brain when slurping sounds were registered?

When Arie is done cleaning out Emily’s teeth, Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes her back down to the beach. She brings the same blanket she used to cuddle with Arie. They have a conversation and I’m getting annoyed with how little drama is taking place. Jef didn’t make out with her and Emily told the camera that she was disappointed that Jef with 1 ‘f’ didn’t make out with her. That’s not really dramatic. It’s kind of just pointless and stupid.

Emily goes back up to wherever the hell this party is taking place so she can hang with the Ryan the evil personal trainer. This is a great opportunity for Ryan to further steal the villain status away from Kalon. Kalon hasn’t every spoken in weeks. I hardly remember him. He’s fading away while Ryan slimes his way to the top of the ‘hate’ scale. Ryan pushes some of Emily’s buttons and complains about her slurping around with Arie. Thank you for reading down this far.

We are treated to this gem of a quote from Ryan:

“There’s a lot of depth here to who I am. I’m not here to impress you… but to make an impression upon you.”



Emily gives Jef with 1 ‘f’ the rose despite his hair. Then, they watch fireworks and the guys act impressed by fireworks.



The next day, Emily counts chickens with her daughter and then takes two guys out on a date so she can dump one of them while he’s eating dinner. She takes them to the Bermuda triangle. They call it ‘The Bermuda Love Triangle’. I’ll bet you didn’t see that coming did you? Wolf and Nate are the ones chosen for this pointless journey because neither of them is winning this game show.

Back at the Hotel, Doug and Chris argue over who is more mature. It gets heated. There is finally a little drama.

Emily and Wolf and Nate ride a boat out to some rocks and then jump off of them. You’re not falling in love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette unless you’re climbing or jumping off of something. Here are some quotes to explain exactly how amazing a day it is.

Nate- “I’m excited.”

Emily- “I’m excited for today.”

Nate- “I’m excited.”

Wolf- “I’m pumped.”

Leave it to ‘Wordsmith’ Wolf to shake things up with the saucy language. They eat dinner in a cave. Emily takes the guys aside, one by one. In their conversation, Nate mentions his family and then starts to cry a little. Emily takes him back to the table and dumps him. Wolf gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, Jef with 1 ‘f’ feels secure enough with his rose to wear a suit coat, shorts and light blue socks pulled up to his knees. I have no idea what is supposed to happen with clothes, but that looks like a risk.

Ryan the evil personal trainer pulls Emily aside to say arrogant things and then says more arrogant things to the camera to further his evil status. Ryan has figured out at this point that he isn’t interested enough in Emily to fight so he’s going out with the chance to make it to this summer’s Bachelor Pad roster.



Arie interrupts their talk to go into the other room and grope. Sean the giant Religious guy takes a turn at swallowing Emily’s face. They fix the camera on these two for a solid minute and 38 eight seconds of face sucking. The scene makes ‘Monster’s Ball’ seem tame on the awkward scale.

The drama-meter final pings when Chris pulls Doug the Dad aside to yell at him for talking about age earlier. I’m so tired. There really isn’t much said. They don’t like each other. Chris is pretty drunk. I’m so mad that they don’t fight. No one ever fights on this show. We can’t get one punch? We do get this exchange:

Chris- “I don’t believe you.”

Doug the Dad- “Believe what?”

Chris- “Believe you in general.”

The music chosen for this apocalyptic exchange is an intense violin coupled with intense bass drums. You would think the British were coming back.



Chris Harrison earns his check by interviewing Emily before the Rose Ceremony. She talks a lot. She says she doesn’t like Ryan but then, minutes later, she doesn’t dump Ryan because producers don’t let her dump Ryan because he’s the evil personal trainer and Kalon isn’t pulling his weight as the villain.



I literally scream laughter during the Rose Ceremony when they show the guy with the pony tail. He hasn’t been shown for the entire two-hour episode. I have no idea what his name is. I haven’t heard him say a word this season but he has made it this far. I forget he exists every week. Emily ruins the fun by dumping him and the Charlie guy who cried in the minivan. Both Charlie and pony-tail guy go out into the Bermuda rain to cry about being dumped by an empty woman they’ve known for a week.

This show is awful. Alejandro the Mushroom farmer is still alive and I haven’t even had a chance to mention him yet. He’s a mushroom farmer. Next week, they go to London and one of the guys yells out, “Hello London”. Buckle up, America.

Bachelorette Recap- Dolly Parton Won't Stop Singing

“Bleep”- Wolf




I uttered that exact expletive on Monday. I spent my Memorial Day drinking beer in a chair half submerged in Cazenovia Creek (pronounced ‘crick’). It was the greatest day of my life, until I realized that crap doesn’t take a holiday. It was a Bachelor recap night. Nothing destroys your good time like that sobering realization.



Emily Maynard is back for another series of pointless dates that will eventually lead to a 4-week engagement. She has 16-or-so boyfriends remaining, so there’s a lot of action to cover. There will be some building repelling in this recap. It might be a good idea to put the kids to bed if you plan to read this out loud.



Chris Harrison said something very important in the beginning of the season. He said that, “There are no rules”. And it’s true. This show has absolutely no rules. It’s like this show is Ireland and rules are snakes and Chris Harrison is Saint Patrick, only, instead of praying, he gives adulterers keys to rooms to they can have sex with their many boyfriends or girlfriends.

Emily will go on 3 dates with her boyfriends this week, just like a normal single mom. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Please keep in mind that there are no rules. Forget everything you know about an Earth with rules because this show doesn’t care about your science. I’ve had a lot of sun today.



The show begins with Emily exploiting a daughter who bears the name of a dead father on camera for 3 pointless ‘set-up’ seconds. Emily is a single Mom, by the way. Not that this means anything on a show with no rules.

She hurries over to a Charlotte mansion to pick up her boyfriend Chris for the first 1-on-1 date. I have no idea who Chris is. Emily mentions how nervous and excited she is for the date, but she can’t decide whether she’s more nervous or more excited. We’re only 2 minutes in and already there is huge drama. My wife and I shake 30 aspirin into our hands in case this pace continues.



They go for a walk down a street and stop at a building. Bachelorette producers throw down ropes so they can repel the building and eat dinner on the roof. It’s super romantic, especially how the happy couple has to stand there for an hour as some dude straps a bunch of safety equipment to their bodies.



As contractually obligated, Chris makes the comparison of climbing a building to falling in love. It starts to thunder as they climb. The music lets everyone watching know that this is serious and people might die. There are no rules. Emily talks about how comfortable she is to be climbing a building with Chris. So far, this date has done more damage to my brain than a day in the sun.



They eat on the roof because that is what people on this show do. Emily is really into Chris and Chris is really into Emily and it’s cute and annoying. She does freak out that Chris is one year younger than her. There’s nervous music and I get nervous. They eat on T.V.



When dinner is done they head back down to the street for a private concert from a Country Artist. Said Country Artist rhymes ‘boom boom’ with ‘Mmm Hmm’ and I punch a hole in some drywall. A Street in downtown Charlotte is shut down for this awkward concert. Emily and Chris make out in front of the band to make the gridlock worthwhile.



Back at the mansion, producers fabricate a plot by having the gnome guy Tony call his 5-year old son at home because he misses him. It’s a weird tangent. I didn’t know it at the time, but ABC is so starved for material that they hammer us over the head with this sidebar.



Next is the group date. A bunch of guys go to the park so they can take turns staring at Emily’s chest. Emily hands them a football and a soccer ball and then leaves for an hour. (true story. Please keep in mind that there are no rules) Emily’s friends just happened to be in the park wearing high-definition make-up and microphones. She asks them to interview the group of dudes to see if they’d be good husband-fathers-breeders.



The interviews are weird. This one blonde friend basically tries to have sex with all of Emily’s boyfriends. She tells them to take their shirts off, do push-ups and climbs all over them. I’m sure her husband will enjoy watching this back and then explaining to his kids how important this show is. The questions are all about being a father. Emily has become a horse breeder. I’m surprised she doesn’t get up to look inside of the guys' mouths.



When they’re done answering stupid questions, Emily blows a whistle and a bunch of kids come running into the park to test how well the guys interact. It’s the creepiest moment in Bachelorette history. A fricking van door actually opens up and random kids jump out to play with mic’d up strangers. Who owns these children? Who lets their little boy or girl play with random ab-ridden egomaniacs?



Later that night, the group goes to a bar to get drunk. It’s amazing how the producers get every locale to look exactly the same. They all have a pool and fern-adorned gazeboes for sharing secrets. I can’t believe my computer let me get away with ‘fern-adorned gazeboes’ without a red squiggly line!



Tony spends the cocktail hour crying about the son he abandoned and calls his child in front of a camera. My bet is that Tony has figured out that he isn’t going to win so he’s going with the ‘miss my kid’ angle so he can still go out a winner and roll through some Oregon lumberjack hoochies. It’s, like, Season 18 of this show and my computer still hasn’t recognized ‘hoochies’ as a word.



Emily went through the same ordeal and demonstrates how much she understands what Tony is going through by dumping him on National Television. She politely tells him to stop being a drag on her princess party and sends him home to his son. It’s dramatic. ABC plays some touching ‘dump the sad Dad’ music. There should be a rule against dumping a Dad for being said but…sadly...... no rules....



Doug, the other Father dude who is super into being a Father, does not leave the show to go back to his kids. Emily gives the rose to a giant Christian guy named Sean who her friend previously tried to climb. On a side note, Bachelorette producers are starting to paint personal trainer Ryan guy as a villain. This show is very much like Pro Wrestling.



Arie gets the third 1-on-1 date. He’s a race car driver which is super dramatic because Emily’s dead ex used to race cars and I really need some rules to be laid down on this show because things just are sliding off of the rails. They get on a private jet to fly to Tennessee because that is what a young couple does to get to know one another. The words ‘excited’ and ‘nervous’ gets thrown around.



When they land, they head over to Dollywood because ABC must have a piece of it. Why does Dolly Parton need a theme park? Should other artists follow suit? Am I going to one day pack up the kids and head to Six Black Flags? (I wrote out 48 different park names and they were all terrible. I fell on Six Black Flags as my favorite. I also liked C-world C-world Music Factory and Bush Gardens. Please keep in mind that I am sunburned, a little delirious and that there are no rules.)



Arie and Emily have Dollywood to themselves so they play games and ride a Roller Coaster. I’m not sure if ABC had the park shut down or if it’s just a normal slow day at Dollywood. In the middle of their fun, the real Dolly Parton shows up and there is just a lot of Dolly Parton singing songs she apparently wrote for this episode of the Bachelor and there’s awkward dancing and then another song and it’s been 11 minutes and Dolly Parton is not done singing and then, when she’s finally done, she sits down alone with Emily to talk and I thought this was a date and not a commercial for Dolly Parton.



I’m man enough to admit that I learned a ton about love and life from Dolly Parton’s heartfelt conversation with Emily. I feel bad about punching a hole in that drywall. I need to learn to love more. I love everyone reading this. Holy crap, Dolly Parton is singing again and this pointless date has taken a half-hour of my life away.





When they’re done learning about life from Dolly Parton, Arie and Emily sit down for a romantic dinner in a barn. Emily is super into Arie but she pretends like she isn’t giving him a rose. It’s the first time she’s ever made a joke. It’s almost interesting. Then, they make out. Emily compares Arie to her dead boyfriend. There are no rules.



Arie says, “Emily has exceeded my expectations by 1000%”.

First off, that’s impossible. There is no such thing as 1000%. But, even if there were such thing, that would mean he expected her to be awful. If Emily were 1000% more dreadful, why would Arie have agreed to go out on a date with her? She would have to have been a Gollum to be 1000% less of a woman than the one he took to Dollywood.





The cocktail party is next. ABC first allows their planted character to show America why he’s been manufactured to absorb their hate. Kalon, the rich fake contestant, sits down with Emily for a scripted conversation. Kalon cuts Emily off a bunch of times and acts like a jerk. The same woman who just dumped a guy for missing his son does not instantly dump Kalon for action like a big jerk. This show is awful. Who falls for this?



Next, some guy who has an egg (how has this not made my recaps yet???) breaks his egg to show that his egg is not his identity. I’m so tired. I have no idea what just happened. They smashed an egg. What the hell do you want from me? The egg’s name was ‘Shelly’. If you read this far down, I love you. I didn’t need Dolly Parton to show me that.

Wolf didn’t talk a lot this season and it’s disappointing. Wolf has been a quote machine so far this season. He’s like a modern day slutty Walt Whitman.



Emily talks with some guy named Alessandro and he straight up tells her how hassled he’d be by kids. Emily cries and dumps him, pre-Rose Ceremony. She’s a dumping machine. Then, she cries some more and makes out with two different guys. Some of the other guys talk about how they’re not comfortable watching her make out with other guys. They must not have heard the Dolly Parton speech.



The super-built Chris guy all but tells Emily that he loves her and loves her daughter who he hasn’t met and he’s been on one date with her and I hate this show.



The Rose Ceremony is next. I swear to God that they brought it three more contestants and snuck them on the set for the Rose Ceremony. I feel like I haven’t seen half of these guys. With the previous dumpings, there’s only one guy going home. It’s Party MC Stevie. I’m sad to see him go. He was gonna punch Kalon.



After the Rose Ceremony, Dolly Parton comes out and sings 8 more songs and solves all of my problems with her wisdom.

Bachelorette Recap- Please Help Support the Muppets

In case you haven’t figured it out, this is going to be a long season of the Bachelorette. If you’re watching the show, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re just sifting through my recaps and looking for swear words, you’re in for a disappointing couple of months. ABC chose a very beautiful woman to be their Game Show Prize. Unfortunately, she will never do or say anything interesting. She is a desert.




I did a word search on past Bachelor/Bachelorette blogs involving Emily Maynard to see how many times I’ve used the word ‘vapid’. It turns out that I’ve used that word to describe her 17 times. I have to be better than that so, what I’ve done is, I opened a Thesaurus and I’ve typed a bunch of words with similar meaning as ‘vapid’ and I will paste it to each recap. This way, I can just copy one into my text and keep rolling:

insipid, uninspired, colorless, uninteresting, feeble, flat, dull, boring, tedious, tired, unexciting, hot (slipped that one in there to see who was paying attention), lifeless, vacuous, bland, trite, jejune (probably will never use jejune in a sentence).



Feel free to cut and paste that onto your desktop in case you ever find yourself dating Emily.



These recaps already kind of sucked because I’m recapping filth. Now, with Emily, they will suck more. She makes me miss Ashley H. I can’t believe anyone on Earth could make me miss Ashley H.



When we last left Emily she narrowed her second search for televised true love down to 15 men. These men have been mathematically grouped by personality tests to disagree and argue. Normally, I would complain but I need the content.



Emily will go on three dates this week; two 1-on-1 dates and a group date with Muppets.

The first date belongs to Ryan, the personal trainer. He’s a World Champion Turd. I’m convinced this guy didn’t come from a Mother. He was spawned and farmed like Matrix Babies in a giant Electromagnetic farm on the post-apocalyptic Earth. No human being with feelings and a soul could have created this beast of hair and beer commercial clichés.



To show how down to Earth this uninteresting woman is, ABC had Emily and Joe bake cookies for her daughter and talk about nothing because neither of them has ever had a single meaningful life experience to draw upon. After that, they get dressed up for an awkward 2-person concert from an artist I am not familiar with. Ryan got a rose. Unfortunately, a thorn did not prick his skin so we could not see if blood flowed through his veins or a viscous saline chemical that lubricates the gears responsible for operating his robot frame.



The group date is next because Disney owns ABC and the Muppets and Muppet DVD sales are down so the Bachelorette is going to talk to Muppets and I fast forwarded through the whole thing.



Joe gets the next 1-on-1 date. Emily is excited and nervous. She tells you that. She says, “I’m excited and nervous”. Go ahead and watch the episode on-line if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait here. This woman will just say whatever is on the top of her mind with no fear of repercussion. She’s a powder keg of controversy. She’s like John Lennon.



Before they leave, Emily says, "There's a good chance we're going to have fun". Emily takes Joe and his hair on a plane ride to West Virginia, her hometown. Nothing says ‘romantic evening’ like a plane ride to the most terrifying state in the Union. The happy couple switches from a personal plane to a Rolls Royce and then hops out to take in a Hotel that Emily and her family used to frequent. It’s luxurious and has a 100-year old pool and super disgusting wall paper and carpets. I didn’t get up close to the television but I’m certain I would have detected the smell of old people.



Emily and Joe talk about how excited they are to be there and how great it is to have a chance to get to know each other. Then, they jump into a pool with over one hundred years of urine particles fused to the tiles. It gives us a chance to see Emily in a bikini. It’s the only club in this season’s bag and they are going to play the crap out of it. It’ll be like Roy McAvoy qualifying for the U.S. Open with his 7-iron. (Fictitious Sports Quota filled) When they’re done with useless swimming they sit down for a useless dinner. They get up from dinner to stuff notes into a clock. I did not make that up. Emily talks to the camera and I hear nothing. Listening to this bland woman talk is like listening to a child hit the same piano key, over and over. Emily asks Joe if he wants kids and he doesn’t scream ‘yes’ so she dumps him. You get one chance on the Bachelorette and this guy blew it. In real life, you might have a walk to the car to try and redeem yourself but the cameras are rolling and, if you really want to find true love, you had better be perfect in every way at all moments.



One blip of encouragement on the radar could be this whole dumping thing. No Bachelor or Bachelorette really did this without guilt (except Brad Womack) but Emily is a knot of nerves when she has to dump. There is great potential for melt downs. I’m excited for the first time. Joe thanked Emily for dumping him. There is a fireworks show after the dumping. I guess ABC paid for the fireworks and those puppies were going off whether Joe got a rose or not.



Back at the mansion, Kalon and Doug have a verbal jabfest. Kalon mentions Doug’s 6 kids and how he’s here and not raising them and Doug flips out and yells at Kalon. Doug keeps asking Kalon threatening questions and then, when Kalon tries to answer them to explain, Doug tells him to shut up. It was a pointless encounter and probably replaced a really nice memory I had of a family vacation.



ABC jumps back to Emily’s gigantic house to exploit her daughter for ratings. Emily, Ricky and Emily’s Mom are in the bathroom doing hair or something and they probably could have just aired a Papa John’s commercial instead and no one would have complained.



The day after dumping a guy, the group gets together to dress up, drink and collect roses. Party MC Stevie gives Rich Guy Kalon dirty looks and outwardly tells Kalon that he doesn’t like him. Party MC Stevie does not punch Kalon despite the significant amount of alcohol running through his veins. There has to be a bunch of producers watching their interaction in the next room saying, “I don’t get it. Why isn’t anyone punching Kalon? We went through great lengths to plant this super-villain of awful and no one is punching him. Didn’t we pay him to be smarmier? I thought he’d be smarmier. People are going to start flipping over to American Ninja Warrior right now. We need, at the very least, some shoving!”



Everyone hates Kalon. Wolf talks about him and, for the second straight week, the quote of the week goes to Wolf:



"I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a guy, you're a BLEEP!"



It's a good rule. I'm pretty sure that's one of the commandments. I have my own rule. If you know who Louis Vuitton is, you're not allowed to ever say anything bad to another person about their 'Louis Vuitton' related qualities.



Ryan, my new leader in the hate department, steals away Emily to spend some more time with her and hand her a 24-page love note. Some gnomely dude (‘GNOMELY’ IS A WORD STUPID COMPUTER!!!) named Tony tries to barge in on their conversation but gets caught having to stand there with a glass of wine in his hand and listen to the entire 4-hour reading of this note by Emily who couldn’t just say, “I’ll read it later”. I guess it was worth it because Gnomely got a rose. Most of them did.



Emily sent home a Biology teacher with hipster glasses and a dude I had not yet noticed existed. We’ll call him Roy. Two hours and we only got rid of three people. This is the worst summer ever. It’s like the summer I got a ‘12’ on my Course 1 Algebra test and had to go to summer school. There was a park outside the window and I had to watch kids play baseball. I have yet to use Course 1 Algebra in my career as an AM radio board op. On the bright side, those baseball kids are probably all addicted to drugs by now.



Side note on the bizarreness of the Rose Ceremony: You will often notice certain guys getting a rose and then their friends pat them on the back and celebrate the fact that they’re staying for another week. These guys high-five other guys who are dating their girlfriend, “Hey, Chazem of whatever the hell your name is, I’m so glad you’re still here to put your hands all over my woman! Let’s fist bump!”



During the credits, Kermit and Emily sold more DVD’s and Blu Rays by talking. I wonder if the puppeteer was tempted to fake like Kermit had to sneeze and then jam his hand forward for a ‘leaner’.

Bachelorette Recap- Welcome Back to Hell

“All of my good friends call me Wolf”- Wolf


We’ve waited a long time for the return of the Bachelorette. Some prisoners wait a long time to be put to death. I’ll bet it’s a similar feeling. I don’t know what I did to deserve a 90-minute series premiere but I’ll obviously pay for it somewhere down the line. ABC never rolls out 90-minute premieres. It’s a miracle. IT’S A BACHELORETTE MIRACLE!!!!



Emily Maynard won the hearts of America by being pretty and failing to say or do anything substantial during Brad Womack’s Bachelor Season. She was the final Game Show contestant standing and earned a 3-month relationship with a man haunted by severe emotional problems. Now, she gets to choose from an impressive variety of abs.



Maynard originally turned down an offer to be the Bachelorette and later changed her mind after praying… ‘cause… you know… never mind. Host Chris Harrison says that we will have a completely different show from what Bachelor viewers are used to. I’m guessing that means the worst people on Earth won’t show up to pretend like they’re in love in an attempt to further their careers so they get picked to smile for Protein Shake advertisements in Men’s Health. That’s a long sentence, but I know you didn’t come here for grammar. Buckle up, Bachelor fans! Let’s recap another season and hope something big falls on us!

We start out with voiced-over shots of Emily playing with her daughter Ricky, annoying ducks with balloons and reading alone in her living room. ABC didn’t feel like waiting more than 2 minutes to exploit the kid for ratings. Hopefully the money Emily earns as the Bachelorette can be spent on a good therapist who can soothe Ricky’s emotional scarring form constant camera monitoring.



We then relive the pointless journey Emily took with Brad. Then Emily goes to various places to sit and stare off into nothing while blathering on about Ricky and nothing because she’s completely uninteresting. There’s a point in the show where Emily sits on a fountain. I didn’t think she was serious about finding love until she sat on that fountain.



Chris Harrison comes out to tell America, for the 4,000,000th time, that Emily lost her first fiancé in a plane crash. Did you guys know that? Did you know that Emily lost her first fiancé in a plane crash?

When we’re done with Harrison’s dramatic revelation, ABC roles out their featured contestants. The field can be described in one word but I’ll use several. I spent 20 minutes going through their pictures and bios to decide who I wanted to get a head start on hating. I needed a Tums when I was done. We’ve got a guy who can’t spell ‘Jeff’. We have a mushroom farmer, a grain merchant, a party MC, a lumber jack and, of course, a race car driver. For those of you who are new to the show, Emily’s former boyfriend was a race car driver who died in a plane crash. ABC made her both ride in a plane and race a race car two years ago. ABC loves emotional subplots.

David the Singer/Songwriter uses the phrase ‘Disparate facets’ in a sentence. I hope he goes home soon. Not only is David eager to find a wife, he also stands on balconies to stare off into the distance to think about how much he wants to find a wife.

They interrupt the ab-fest for a 1-on-1 interview between Harrison and Emily. Harrison lets the 4 people in America who weren’t sure about how many fiancés Emily used to have in on her story. Emily’s been engaged before. Emily says, “This could be the night I meet my husband.” Normal single people think things like that when they walk into Wilson Farms for Schlitz Tall Boys. Every night is the night you can meet your husband. Emily says she doesn’t want to talk about her tragic past anymore. That means we’ll only get 6 gazillion more references to it.

We’re back to meeting all of Emily’s boyfriends. It’s a great season for guys using gimmicks to make a first impression. A lumberjack gives Emily a glass slipper on a pillow. Jackson, a fitness model, got on his knees to quote the movie ‘Hitch’. I’m not sure who is guiltier in this situation, the fitness model for quoting ‘Hitch’ or the recapper for immediately noticing which movie he quoted. Some dude dressed up as a grandmother. Alejandro decided that being a douche would be a good approach. Jef can’t spell his name and rode in on a skateboard. Jef has the same haircut as the Big Boy Burger guy. It’s hard to determine this early into the season, but I think I hate Jef the most. I’m really going to get sick of my computer underlining Jef all season. My computer is saying, “Hey! You’re spelling ‘Jeff’ wrong!” and I’m like, “I know computer! That’s how he spells it! You should see his hair!”

One guy was credited with the quote of the night, “All of my good friends call me Wolf”. If your good friends call you ‘Wolf’ then you don’t have any good friends.



Kalon is a rich guy who wants desperately to be hated by America. He arrived in his own personal helicopter. He has been planted by the Network to stir up drama this season. I wonder if one person watching this show doesn’t realize this. Of course, I said this about a certain Bachelor contestant named Courtney last season and she ended up winning it all.



After arriving in limos and helicopters, the guys head inside to drink, fight and lay the groundwork for regret. One guy had bobblehead dolls made of himself and Emily. That broke a Bachelor franchise record for Rapiest behavior. A single father forged a note from his 12-year old son to hand to Emily to gain points. That approached Bachelor franchise records for exploitative behavior.



We’re an hour in and the only thing Emily has said is that she is excited and nervous. She never says anything that is the least bit amusing, engaging or informative. There is absolutely nothing more to this woman than looks. (Except a tortured past that we’re done talking about)



The Bachelors are sitting around on couches hating on the Helicopter guy. They’ve nicknamed him ‘Helicopter Guy’. I’ll admit that I can’t do any better. Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside to talk. He doesn’t have to make much of an impression because he’ll be pushed through several rounds by the Producers to make people angry. The Party MC guy initiates an argument with Helicopter Guy to give the producers a chance to use their dramatic ‘fight’ music. It gets tense. The ‘fight’ music gets louder. I hid behind my couch in case punches were thrown.

More people talk about nothing and some time goes by. This show is awful. Emily gives her first impression rose to Doug the single Dad guy who gave her a fake note from his 12-year old son.



The Rose Ceremony is next. The only thing I missed about this show was the ‘Rose Ceremony’ music. It’s the type of music I want played if I ever fall into the Lions’ Den at the Zoo. The roses are handed out at break-neck speed. ABC had to cut some corners somewhere with an abbreviated premiere. I couldn’t even keep up.

I know the black guy didn’t get a rose. The black guy never gets a rose. The 41-year old didn’t get a rose either but it had more to do with his facial hair than his age or six kids. He had a patch of hair underneath his chin. Who would think that’s a good look? 41-year old cries on T.V. because a woman didn’t give him a rose after spending 11 minutes in his presence.



ABC rolls out some preview footage of the upcoming season. It’s totally going to be different. There’s a butt-ton of conflict, drama and, of course, love, because love is what it’s all about. There’s even a little Dolly Parton pep talk footage thrown in there for good measure.

During the credits, one of the jilted Bachelors takes his shirt off to show America the abs that Emily will never get to do laundry on. I feel bad for the guy. He’s obviously never eaten a chicken wing.

Bachelor Recap- Oh My Dad! It's Finally Over!

I can’t believe that it is finally over.I’m told that I woke my wife up from a sound sleep 7 times this past week screaming, “Did Ben find love yet?!!”Doctors call it ‘Night Terrors’. I call it the Bachelor.

We’ve had a long, boring, magical, majestic journey this season on the Bachelor. And ABC did us all a solid with a 3-hour finale to make sure we get enough garbage in our system to last through spring. It’ll be 2 hours and 45 minutes of repeat footage, 12 minutes of useless Chris Harrison interviews and 3 minutes of content. I’ve been angry for a week just thinking of it. Why couldn’t the clocks spring forward on Monday, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 Central? Why don’t any of you ever answer my questions?

When we last left Ben Flajnik he didn’t have a Dad and had narrowed his search for true televised love down to 2 women, Courtney the paid actress and Horse Girl.

I got this email from someone:“Hey Greg, she made it the Final day… why not call ‘Horse Girl’ by her real name Lindzi now?”

Well, maybe because she doesn’t even know how to spell her name. Why should I try if she’s not going to try? How much further away from ‘Lindsay’ is ‘Horse Girl’ than ‘Lindzi’? I keep reading back that last sentence and something’s probably wrong but there’s no time. I have a finale to recap. THERE’S NO TIME!

The scene opens with Ben on a mountain in Switzerland. He’s wearing a suit. I look at the clock. There is still 2 hours, 59 minutes and 48 seconds left. Chris Harrison tells us that, “It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for”. Somewhere a starving child turned to the TV and said, “Dinner?”

They promise it will be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. They promise this every season AND EVERY SEASON THEY DELIVER!!! (Sorry about the ALL CAPS. I’m medicated.)

Ben talks about his two girlfriends. He says that he needs more time with Horse Girl, hinting that he’ll pick Courtney. Then, they show Courtney bending down in Switzerland to pet a stray cat. They cut away the camera before she picks it up and starts feeding on the cat’s blood through its neck.

Ben’s Mom and Sister are flown in to offer their support and sternly judge his girlfriends. Ben cries when he sees them. I’m still managing to hold it together. There are two mugs and a bowl of yarn balls on the table. I’m not kidding. I don’t know if these are edible yarn balls or just a super crafty way to decorate. Maybe they are emergency yarn balls in case someone rips their sweater.

Horse Girl gets the first visit/judgment. They tell Ben’s Mom/Sister the horse story. Ben’s family seems completely uncomfortable on camera. They look like they’re at gunpoint. ABC makes them eat on TV to make things more uncomfortable. The producers find the perfect ‘uncomfortable eating’ music. I’m on Dayquil, but Horse Girl’s eyes look like cartoon eyes. I think I’m hallucinating.

After a chat with Mom, Sis pulls her out onto the mountains to talk more while holding gallon-sized wine glasses. Horse Girl says that she didn’t expect to find love. THEN WHAT IS SHE DOING THERE???!!!! (again, Dayquil)

Ben’s sister makes Horse Girl talk about Courtney. Horse Girl tells Sis how awful Courtney is. Sis doesn’t like Courtney. She’s just like America. Horse Girl and Sis really hit it off. They talk a lot and Horse Girl nods so much there’s a fear of a severe sprain. Horse Girl gets serious Family ‘Game Show’ points. Mom calls her a ‘total package’ and I pump my fist ‘cause that’s totally hot!

Courtney’s visit is next. Ben’s sister hates her before meeting her just based on what Horse Girl said and the fact that she’s a model. Ben has a lot to think about. They show him thinking. He sits in a room in front of a fire and thinks in a giant sweater. We go to commercial.

When we get back from commercial, Ben is outside looking at the Swiss mountains and thinking. Then, he walks back inside to think. This guy thinks. I check my clock; 2 hours, 32 minutes left!

Courtney arrives to be hated and sound super fake and everyone should hate her because she’s fake and there’s no doubt she’s going to win. Courtney says, “I finally know what true love is”. If you’re keeping score at home, ‘true love’ means going on a Game Show to act awful and get exposure so you can be cast in a Lifetime Movie Network movie about a woman who rises about an abusive husband or anorexia.

The family plays nice to start with but appears apprehensive. ABC plays some ‘apprehensive’ music to show us how apprehensive they are. Sis pulls Ben aside to grill her. She brings up the bad blood in the house with the other girls. Courtney explains that she made mistakes. She forgets to mention that she’s a paid actress who came on the show to further her career. The sister doesn’t push her much. I’m getting mad. I wanted blood.

Courtney tells the camera that she doesn’t want to be judged for being mean to the other girls which makes a ton of sense.Mom gets her chance. Courtney tells Mom how funny Ben is and… seriously, he’s a riot. I can’t even stop laughing. I’ve totally got the giggles. Mom seems to like her. ABC plays ‘Mom Likes Her’ music.

Ben pulls Sis aside to tell Ben how amazing she thinks Courtney is and how bad she misjudged her. I have the feeling that she’s going to really hate watching this back. I hope they all watch it together. I hope Courtney is sitting right between Mom and Sis when she pops a double bird to the camera and says something horrific about one of the other contestants.

We come back from commercial with more talking. There is just so much talking. We just heard them say all of this! Why are they talking about the things we just saw?! We just saw you say that! Stop talking about it! Do something! Why can’t they repel Mom off of a mountain or something? I want shark fishing! AND WHERE ARE ALL OF THE HELICOPTERS???!!!!

When Ben and his family are done talking they talk more and of course we need to show them hugging and saying goodbye because the damn show is 3 hours long and, oh look! There are more mountains!

We’re back from commercial and it’s time for the final dates before he dumps one and proposes to the other. Horse Girl gets the first final date. There had better be some danger and hot tub sex or I’m going to get stabby. They ride a horse and buggy through Switzerland. Then, they go skiing on a tall mountain that Ben calls a Madahorn or something. I hate that Ben is more cultured than me.

Horse Girl and Ben have a picnic while a trolley carries them up that horn thing. The trolly stalls out at 49 billion feet and Horse Girl decides that it’s the perfect place to open up to Ben. I yell, “It’s about bleeping time, Horse Girl!”

Horse Girl opens up, I think. They’re talking about whether or not she’s being open. I’m not sure if that’s being open. It’s a lot of talking. So much talking. Ben nods a lot when Horse Girl talks. He’s not as good a nodder as Horse Girl but relationships are about balance. My stupid computer doesn’t think that ‘nodder’ is a thing. When they’re done nodding, they ski down the Alps.

When we get back from break, Horse Girl invites Ben to her hotel room for some romantic quality time with just the two of them, a couple of camera guys, a lighting guy and a sound mixer. They talk about how fun their day was and then they make out. ABC plays some soft music while they whisper and make out. There’s a lot of slurping. Ben has his collar popped. I officially hate him. When Horse Girl talks, it looks like Ben wants to be very far away. You can tell he’s not into her. She spends 5 minutes setting him up to tell him that she loves him. It’s awkward. Then, she tells him she loves him. Ben says, “That’s good”. He stops short of checking his watch and doing the fake yawn thing. Then, they make out sans feeling. ‘Sans’ is Latin for without. I wanted to implement a little culture into my blog because I don’t know what a Mandahorn is.

Horse Girl says, “This is the first time I’ve been so sure of something”. She’s going to hate watching this back.The next day brings Courtney’s final date, before the 2-or-3 dates they have in the real world before she gets bored and dumps him.

They’re picked up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! The helicopter carries them to Italy which blows my mind because I didn’t know Italy was near Switzerland. They fly over the Mandahorde and make out. Ben expresses how flying a helicopter over a Montador is like taking your love to new heights.When they land, they drink and barbeque in the middle of nowhere and who the hell decides the dumb crap that they do on dates? Ben actually appears like he wants to be near Courtney, even though she doesn’t nod a lot when he talks. They make out some more in their sweaters. Then, they talk cute and make snow angels and cute noises and it’s super fun and we’re all just laughing together. Weren’t you guys totally laughing? I’ll probably laugh just reading this back.

They sled down the Montohorn and then make out more.

Courtney brings us back from commercials by lighting candles. Ben knocks on her hotel door. He does not just walk right in even though he’s brought 4 camera guys who are in contact with the camera guys inside of Courtney’s room and it’s clear that it’s him at the door and not a Swiss Axe murderer.

Courtney gives Ben a gift before they make out. It’s a picture journal that ABC gave her to give him. She tells him how hard she worked on it. I lol. Courtney reads Ben a love note. It’s 20 pages long and we have to sit through the whole thing because this stupid show is 3 hours long and I’m just so tired and angry. To make it worse, Courtney has shifted gears and is talking in this cutsie voice that makes me wish I had a knife, a time machine and a plane ticket to Switzerland.

Courtney and Ben talk a little about her reputation as the bad person in the house. As they talk, there’s a Swiss Church bell ringing in the background. It rings endlessly. It must be 4,000 o’clock there. I lose focus as we come back to Courtney crying and who even cares at this point? It’s obvious she won. Courtney’s fake crying is painful to watch. I rather watch the Theisman injury on loop. (Sports quota filled)

We come back from commercial with Ben walking around and thinking (so much thinking). Then, 12 different cameras position themselves in Horse Girl’s room to capture her thinking from every angle. We get Horse Girl thinking in her bed when she wakes up. We get Horse Girl thinking out on the balcony. We get Horse Girl thinking out on the balcony from the ground looking up.

Then, it’s Courtney’s turn to think in many different settings, including steamy mug of coffee in the window thinking. These thinking scenes are coupled with flashback footage of mountain repelling and hot tub make out sessions.

My wife, who I couldn’t love more at this moment actually turns to me and says, “Can I fast forward?” I’ve never been happier. Talk about knowing that you’ve found the one.

We zoom to the helicopter entrance of the dump scene.

Horse Girl is first, which means she is getting dumped. They make her walk four miles to a mountain setting where Ben is prepared to dump her. ABC plays a thought track of how happy she is going to be to marry Ben. It’s painful. She starts gushing right away and is obviously nervous because she’s talking a mile a minute. As Ben shifts into dump mode, her head nodding hits fifth gear. Ben drops the bomb and America watches Horse Girl’s heart break. I feel bad for Horse Girl. She seems really nice. I hope they don’t make her the Horse Girl Bachelor.

Horse Girl doesn’t say a word immediately after being dumped. She just nods a lot. Ben walks her back to the helicopter in silence. She finally tells Ben not to feel bad for dumping her and apologizes for not being better (Where are these women in real life?!!)

Horse Girl gets to the helicopter and composes herself quite well. It is not a total snot-fest. I almost feel cheated. I came for gut-wrenching agony! Rip-off! Is this the controversy I was promised? It’s controversial that there wasn’t more crying.

Courtney’s helicopter ride to Ben’s mountain is next. She says, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people”. Amazingly, the helicopter doesn’t poetically crash into the mountain. She strides up to Ben to get engaged. There’s something strange about a woman in an evening gown strolling down a mountain. It doesn’t do it for me like eyeblack does.

Ben has a speech for Courtney. ABC gives him the dramatic ‘speech’ music. So far, there is no controversy. Ben keeps talking about their wonderful time together. He fakes Courtney out by pretending like he’s not going to propose to her. ABC gives us some dramatic ‘fake dump pump-fake’ music. Then, he gets down on one knee and proposes and that ring is effing huge. Courtney says, “I will love you forever”. Ben says, “I will love you forever”. They make out a little and then they both say, “I will love you forever” and, just so everyone reading this knows, ‘forever’ is now 2 months.

Courtney remarks, “Oh My Dad!” which is a Ben thing that I still don’t really understand or feel comfortable with.

Ben gives her the final rose and then they talk to the camera about fairytales and this is probably as good a time as ever to relay the story Lindsay from WGR promotions told me about pictures of Ben in a magazine making out with three different ‘Non-Courtney’ girls after the final episode was taped.

When this two-hour torture-fest is finished, we move to a studio so Chris Harrison can interview Ben and Courtney while 299 women and 1 guy in the audience can nod their approval from stadium seats.I’m not really going to recap much of this because it would be just recapping them recapping what we just watched. I’ve already wasted enough of everyone’s time. Time is precious because forever is 3 months and all.

Ben drops the bomb that he and Courtney broke up at one point after he saw what a witch she ison TV. That must have been when he found the time to make out with those other girls. Chris Harrison asks Ben if he made out with other women. Ben swears on his father’s grave that he did not kiss anyone. He says that the photos are either old or doctored. I yelled ‘Oh My Dad!” The audience members must have Ben’s back because they’re head nodding on Horse Girl’s level.

Courtney comes out and gets booed and she explains her side of the story and it’s boring. Eventually, she tells Chris Harrison that she and Ben are still together, she thinks. She cries more. I’ve caught up to real time on my DVR and can’t fast forward anymore.

Chris Harrison brings Ben back out to sit next to Courtney so we can all feel uncomfortable. Chris Harrison points out how Courtney doesn’t have that giant doorknob ring on her finger. He then pulls the ring out of his pocket so the stupid studio audience can ooo and aahhhh. Ben puts the ring back on Courtney’s finger. We get closure on the season by finding out that Ben and Courtney are still engaged and plan on getting married. So, go ahead and sleep tight tonight, America. Then, they make out. (Sorry, force of habit.)

Harrison teases that they’re bringing Ashley H. out for an interview and I set a land-speed record jumping up to turn off my TV.

So, there you have it, another season of the Bachelor. I hate this show.