About 15 years ago, I was at a family picnic shooting hoops with a distant relative that I didn't really know. For some reason I felt like lying so, when he asked me what my name is, I said, "My name is Greg...but my left leg is a little longer than my right leg...so my friends call my stretch."It was just a horrible random lie that I didn't even plan on telling.
I think my brain called an audible in an attempt to seem interesting.Well, the guy was nice enough to call me "stretch" throughout our grueling game of HORSE and I felt cool for 15 minutes. Then, as my brother walked over, I started to panic over the idea of this complete stranger calling me "stretch" in front of him and uncovering my lie. So, right before Mike got there I said, "Don't call me stretch!" in kind of an angry, frantic tone.
Needless to say, we didn't stay in touch.
That 15 minutes was the closest I've ever come to having a nickname. They're not the kind of thing you can just give yourself and still be a respectable member of society.
I have rejected a couple of nicknames people tried to give me throughout my life:
- Purple (when this kid punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me)
- Gimpy
- Red
- Mr. Marvelous
And, if someone out there wants to initiate, I've always been partial to these for nicknames:
- Captain Pain Bringer
- Ebsen Flows
- Poseidon
Just keeping you informed.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
NFL Firsts
Although over 60% of the gambling community would beg to differ, the NFL had a first this past Sunday. After an apparent Troy Polamalu defensive touchdown was disallowed, the scoreboard in Pittsburgh showed that the Steelers squeezed past San Diego by a point. It was the first 11-to-10 final in league history.
That's amazing.
Going all the way back to October 3rd, 1920, when the Dayton Triangles beat the Columbus Panhandles 14-to-0, there hasn't been a single game with the final score 11-to-10. I find that hard to believe considering all of these Ravens/ Titans games of this decade.
In a world where Vikings QB Brad Johnson can throw a touchdown pass to Vikings QB Brad Johnson, a game never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where the Bills and 49ers can play a game without a punt, a game has never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where a Bucaneer Front Office can get together and say, "Hey! These white and orange jerseys are a great idea!", a game has never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where fill-up stations can somehow add 9/10th of a cent per gallon to the price of gas and no one asks questions, a game has never ended 11-to-10?
It made me wonder about what other surprising "firsts" could be coming to the NFL in the next couple of weeks.
- There has never been a 2-0 football game. The lowest score occurred when the Jets beat Washington 3-0 in 1993.
- There has never been a game that ended 73-to-41. The highest ever score was recorded in 1966 when the Redskins beat Dallas 72-to-41.
- There has never been an NFL game played on January 1st.
- The Bills have never won a Superbowl.
That's about it. Everything else has happened.
That's amazing.
Going all the way back to October 3rd, 1920, when the Dayton Triangles beat the Columbus Panhandles 14-to-0, there hasn't been a single game with the final score 11-to-10. I find that hard to believe considering all of these Ravens/ Titans games of this decade.
In a world where Vikings QB Brad Johnson can throw a touchdown pass to Vikings QB Brad Johnson, a game never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where the Bills and 49ers can play a game without a punt, a game has never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where a Bucaneer Front Office can get together and say, "Hey! These white and orange jerseys are a great idea!", a game has never ended 11-to-10?
In a world where fill-up stations can somehow add 9/10th of a cent per gallon to the price of gas and no one asks questions, a game has never ended 11-to-10?
It made me wonder about what other surprising "firsts" could be coming to the NFL in the next couple of weeks.
- There has never been a 2-0 football game. The lowest score occurred when the Jets beat Washington 3-0 in 1993.
- There has never been a game that ended 73-to-41. The highest ever score was recorded in 1966 when the Redskins beat Dallas 72-to-41.
- There has never been an NFL game played on January 1st.
- The Bills have never won a Superbowl.
That's about it. Everything else has happened.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Benny
If you're going to betray your people for money and befriend one of the most ruthless leaders in World History, you deserve to be outdone by your own ignorance.
Take Benny.
He successfully masquerades as a taxi cab driver and infiltrates the rebels, gaining Douglas Quaid's trust. He leads the dictator's army directly to the Rebel leader, who they assassinate.
Then Benny corners Douglas Quaid, the Rebel army's last chance to save Mars, and what does he do? He attacks him with a slow moving, drill-equipped construction truck.
Not a gun; A big truck with a drill on the front.
I realize the opportunity to yell, "I'm gonna drill you sucka!" must have been too tasty to pass up, but he could have just shot Quaid in the leg, and then drilled him to the wall.
Of course, Quaid side-stepped the drill, grabbed his own manual drill to kill Benny, and went on to save Mars by giving the planet atmosphere. Benny actually managed to save Quaid time by drilling a hole in the cave wall that led directly to the atmosphere on/off switch.
Be better than that, Benny.
Take Benny.
He successfully masquerades as a taxi cab driver and infiltrates the rebels, gaining Douglas Quaid's trust. He leads the dictator's army directly to the Rebel leader, who they assassinate.
Then Benny corners Douglas Quaid, the Rebel army's last chance to save Mars, and what does he do? He attacks him with a slow moving, drill-equipped construction truck.
Not a gun; A big truck with a drill on the front.
I realize the opportunity to yell, "I'm gonna drill you sucka!" must have been too tasty to pass up, but he could have just shot Quaid in the leg, and then drilled him to the wall.
Of course, Quaid side-stepped the drill, grabbed his own manual drill to kill Benny, and went on to save Mars by giving the planet atmosphere. Benny actually managed to save Quaid time by drilling a hole in the cave wall that led directly to the atmosphere on/off switch.
Be better than that, Benny.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Presidential Fantasy Draft
Mike Schopp and the Bulldog decided there was no better way to celebrate Election Day than by holding a Presidents of the United States of America Fantasy Draft.
Mike, Bulldog, Andrew Fillipponi and Greg Bauch drafted past and present American Leaders. Feel free to determine a winner via email.
(The Overall pick is in parentheses)
Greg Bauch
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1) "If there were a President Fantasy Draft Magazine, he's on the cover."
2. Woodrow Wilson (8)
3. John Tyler (9) "Brought in Florida and Texas to the U.S. Where would College Football be without him?"
4. John Adams (16)
5. Grover Cleveland's 1st Term (17)
6. Bill Clinton (24)
7. Calvin Coolidge (25)
8. Warren G. Harding (32)
9. Obama (33)
10. Andrew Johnson (40) "He was to Abe Lincoln like Michael Turner was to LaDanian Tomlinson."
11. Franklin Pierce (41)
Mike Schopp
1. Abe Lincoln (2) "There's only one Abraham Lincoln. I have a jersey that says, "Abe 01."
2. John F. Kennedy (7) "He's the 'Antonio Gates' of this draft."
3. Ronald Reagan (10)
4. James Madison (15)
5. Richard Nixon (18)
6. Ulysses Grant (23) "Great beard."
7. James Garfield (26)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (31)
9. George W. Bush (34) "Chemistry pick"
10. Herbert Hoover (39)
11. William Henry Harrison (42)
Andrew Fillipponi
1. George Washington (3) Bulldog says, "I think (Washington) was overated. I think his line was so good, anyone could have succeeded."
2. Teddy Roosevelt (6)
3. Harry Truman (11)
4. James Polk (14)
5. Andrew Jackson (19) "Polk was 'Young Hickory'. Jackson was 'Old Hickory'. I have the 'Hickory Monopoly."
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (22)
7. William Taft (27)
8. William McKinley (30) Andrew- "He was 2-and-0 in wars. He was unbeaten."
9. Gerald Ford (35)
10. Martin Van Buren (38)
11. George H. W. Bush (43) (the Father, not the son.)
The Bulldog
1. Thomas Jefferson (4)
2. Dwight Eisenhower (5) "from the 50's to the 60's, it was Happy Days."
3. James Monroe (12) Bulldog- "He's got a Doctrine!" Mike- "That's like having 3,000 hits!"
4. Millard Fillmore (13)
5. Grover Cleveland's 2nd term (20)
6. John Quincy Adams (21)
7. Zachary Taylor (28)
8. Jimmy Carter (29)
9. Benjamin Harrison (36) "I feel sorry for him because he's sandwiched in between the Cleveland terms."
10. Chester A. Arthur (37)
11. James Buchanan (44)
Who is the winner? You decide America.
Listen to the entire draft at wgr550.com.
Mike, Bulldog, Andrew Fillipponi and Greg Bauch drafted past and present American Leaders. Feel free to determine a winner via email.
(The Overall pick is in parentheses)
Greg Bauch
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1) "If there were a President Fantasy Draft Magazine, he's on the cover."
2. Woodrow Wilson (8)
3. John Tyler (9) "Brought in Florida and Texas to the U.S. Where would College Football be without him?"
4. John Adams (16)
5. Grover Cleveland's 1st Term (17)
6. Bill Clinton (24)
7. Calvin Coolidge (25)
8. Warren G. Harding (32)
9. Obama (33)
10. Andrew Johnson (40) "He was to Abe Lincoln like Michael Turner was to LaDanian Tomlinson."
11. Franklin Pierce (41)
Mike Schopp
1. Abe Lincoln (2) "There's only one Abraham Lincoln. I have a jersey that says, "Abe 01."
2. John F. Kennedy (7) "He's the 'Antonio Gates' of this draft."
3. Ronald Reagan (10)
4. James Madison (15)
5. Richard Nixon (18)
6. Ulysses Grant (23) "Great beard."
7. James Garfield (26)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (31)
9. George W. Bush (34) "Chemistry pick"
10. Herbert Hoover (39)
11. William Henry Harrison (42)
Andrew Fillipponi
1. George Washington (3) Bulldog says, "I think (Washington) was overated. I think his line was so good, anyone could have succeeded."
2. Teddy Roosevelt (6)
3. Harry Truman (11)
4. James Polk (14)
5. Andrew Jackson (19) "Polk was 'Young Hickory'. Jackson was 'Old Hickory'. I have the 'Hickory Monopoly."
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (22)
7. William Taft (27)
8. William McKinley (30) Andrew- "He was 2-and-0 in wars. He was unbeaten."
9. Gerald Ford (35)
10. Martin Van Buren (38)
11. George H. W. Bush (43) (the Father, not the son.)
The Bulldog
1. Thomas Jefferson (4)
2. Dwight Eisenhower (5) "from the 50's to the 60's, it was Happy Days."
3. James Monroe (12) Bulldog- "He's got a Doctrine!" Mike- "That's like having 3,000 hits!"
4. Millard Fillmore (13)
5. Grover Cleveland's 2nd term (20)
6. John Quincy Adams (21)
7. Zachary Taylor (28)
8. Jimmy Carter (29)
9. Benjamin Harrison (36) "I feel sorry for him because he's sandwiched in between the Cleveland terms."
10. Chester A. Arthur (37)
11. James Buchanan (44)
Who is the winner? You decide America.
Listen to the entire draft at wgr550.com.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Evil Baby
We were watching a Lifetime movie last night about an evil baby. When I saw it, I had to admit, "that baby looks a little evil."
It got me thinking, if a movie company was making a movie about an evil baby, then they must have put out a casting call for evil-looking babies.
What kind of parents answer that ad? "You know honey, I always thought out baby looked a little evil. Everytime I look at her, I feel like she's stealing little pieces of my soul. Let's go to Hollywood."
And how does the career of this 'evil baby' turn out? She'll probably be type casted for the rest of her life.
-"I'm sorry, we were looking for a mildly irrated baby. Your baby is just evil. Please leave."
(adult years)
- "Okay, for this movie, we're looking for a strong woman who is trampled on her whole life but then rises above her abusive husband and father to start a small business. What other work have you done in your career?"
- "I was an evil baby.
"I'm just saying, think before your put your baby in that situation.
The evil baby movie was a little too scary...so we switched over to 'Garfield 2- Tale of Two Kitties"
Those fucking English cats think they're so fucking perfect.
It got me thinking, if a movie company was making a movie about an evil baby, then they must have put out a casting call for evil-looking babies.
What kind of parents answer that ad? "You know honey, I always thought out baby looked a little evil. Everytime I look at her, I feel like she's stealing little pieces of my soul. Let's go to Hollywood."
And how does the career of this 'evil baby' turn out? She'll probably be type casted for the rest of her life.
-"I'm sorry, we were looking for a mildly irrated baby. Your baby is just evil. Please leave."
(adult years)
- "Okay, for this movie, we're looking for a strong woman who is trampled on her whole life but then rises above her abusive husband and father to start a small business. What other work have you done in your career?"
- "I was an evil baby.
"I'm just saying, think before your put your baby in that situation.
The evil baby movie was a little too scary...so we switched over to 'Garfield 2- Tale of Two Kitties"
Those fucking English cats think they're so fucking perfect.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Another 'Yahoo Answers' Blog
It's been too long. Here's another 'Yahoo Answers' blog.
I take real questions off of Yahoo Answers and offer advice.
Feel free to add your own.
from Midnight Cinderella:
Q. - I just got a female bunny today and i need a cute name (PLEASE BE CREATIVE)?
she looks like the velveteen rabbit she loves to cuddle and be held like a baby and have her tummy rubbed
A. - Dear Midnight Cinderella, How about "Captain Cuddle Time"?
from whoa_its:
Q. - Who wants an outift!? ill make and out fit for who ever providfes the best and most interesting information i dont care uf you first or last you have til 5 15 eastern timedont forget you email address =]
A. - Dear whoa_its, I would like an outfit.
I'm a scorpio.
from danielle
Q. I dont know whats going on with thia boy.(a guys point of view would be niiice)?
is he just a jerk? i first meet him through my bestfriend.and we talked non-stop always texting he called me all the time always wanted me to sleep over and we even talked about dating but wanted to get to know each better and hang out more.so then one day out of no where he asked if we could just be friends i asked him what had changed his mind he said it was him and that he was just still really hurt from his ex girlfriend.then the next day he asked if it was ok if he could date my bestfriend.(she knew i liked him) but apparently she liked him before me.(i wish she would have told me before hand) but those two only talk in school(we go to different schools.) or on aim but we still text all the time and he calls me everyday always tells me goodnight and i cant help but still like him.i guess were just good friends but if i could have your opinions that would be great=].
A. Dear Danielle, It's hard to answer without more information. maybe you could tell me a little more about the situation. thanks
from Joy S.
Q. - Wut do u do wen u really like someone but you're friend still likes the person even though they broke up wit he/she and the person you like likes you back but he cant like you cause his/her best friend likes you
A. Dear Joy S., I would use a spell checker. See if that works.
from la di da di da
Q. - What should you be doing right now?
A. Dear la di da di da, Posting Yahoo Answers.
from Andria
Q. - How do u get tested for ADHD?
A. Dear Andria, Wanna go ride bikes?
from Kayla
Q.- there is a rumor that i like this kid!! but i dont!! This kid likes me though, cuz he always says nice things and always wants to be my partener in science class. plz help! im sick of that rumor!!!
A. Dear Kayla, you're the one who started the rumor. Whore.
from Winnie
Q. - Cheese doodlessss??????????
do you like the puff ones or the crunchy ones? i say puff all the way!
A. Dear Winnie, I'm with you. Puff all the way!
from English
Q. - Is this the HOTTEST guy ever? Careful hot photo!?
Well is it?http://janetcharltonshollywood.com/jonas...
A.- Dear English, Yes, that IS the hottest guy ever.
from Kyle
Q. - How many 16 year old kid died in a car crash in 07?
A. - Dear Kyle, I haven't finished counting yet.
Hope these answers helped.
I take real questions off of Yahoo Answers and offer advice.
Feel free to add your own.
from Midnight Cinderella:
Q. - I just got a female bunny today and i need a cute name (PLEASE BE CREATIVE)?
she looks like the velveteen rabbit she loves to cuddle and be held like a baby and have her tummy rubbed
A. - Dear Midnight Cinderella, How about "Captain Cuddle Time"?
from whoa_its:
Q. - Who wants an outift!? ill make and out fit for who ever providfes the best and most interesting information i dont care uf you first or last you have til 5 15 eastern timedont forget you email address =]
A. - Dear whoa_its, I would like an outfit.
I'm a scorpio.
from danielle
Q. I dont know whats going on with thia boy.(a guys point of view would be niiice)?
is he just a jerk? i first meet him through my bestfriend.and we talked non-stop always texting he called me all the time always wanted me to sleep over and we even talked about dating but wanted to get to know each better and hang out more.so then one day out of no where he asked if we could just be friends i asked him what had changed his mind he said it was him and that he was just still really hurt from his ex girlfriend.then the next day he asked if it was ok if he could date my bestfriend.(she knew i liked him) but apparently she liked him before me.(i wish she would have told me before hand) but those two only talk in school(we go to different schools.) or on aim but we still text all the time and he calls me everyday always tells me goodnight and i cant help but still like him.i guess were just good friends but if i could have your opinions that would be great=].
A. Dear Danielle, It's hard to answer without more information. maybe you could tell me a little more about the situation. thanks
from Joy S.
Q. - Wut do u do wen u really like someone but you're friend still likes the person even though they broke up wit he/she and the person you like likes you back but he cant like you cause his/her best friend likes you
A. Dear Joy S., I would use a spell checker. See if that works.
from la di da di da
Q. - What should you be doing right now?
A. Dear la di da di da, Posting Yahoo Answers.
from Andria
Q. - How do u get tested for ADHD?
A. Dear Andria, Wanna go ride bikes?
from Kayla
Q.- there is a rumor that i like this kid!! but i dont!! This kid likes me though, cuz he always says nice things and always wants to be my partener in science class. plz help! im sick of that rumor!!!
A. Dear Kayla, you're the one who started the rumor. Whore.
from Winnie
Q. - Cheese doodlessss??????????
do you like the puff ones or the crunchy ones? i say puff all the way!
A. Dear Winnie, I'm with you. Puff all the way!
from English
Q. - Is this the HOTTEST guy ever? Careful hot photo!?
Well is it?http://janetcharltonshollywood.com/jonas...
A.- Dear English, Yes, that IS the hottest guy ever.
from Kyle
Q. - How many 16 year old kid died in a car crash in 07?
A. - Dear Kyle, I haven't finished counting yet.
Hope these answers helped.
Extreme Walking
This is an article I wrote when I was 8 years old. I figured I'd post it here.
EXTREME WALKING
I was making a list of all the cool things about Extreme Walking and I came to the conclusion that Walking is awesome. A couple of my friends don't like going for Extreme walks. That's fine. They're still my friends, but they have giant holes in their throat where I have stabbed them with a rolled up copy of 'Extreme Walker's Monthly'.
When deciding whether or not to go for more Extreme walks, ask yourself this question, "Do I breathe?" If the answer is "yes", get the F off this page go for a walk. It's extreme.
The best thing about Extreme walking is how crazy it is. You totally go at your own pace. You can stroll by at 3 miles an hour and just watch losers gawk at how casual you can be or you can crank shit up and walk every fucker you see into the ground with extreme prejudice.
People are always asking me, "Greg, what's the difference between Extreme walking and normal walking?" I answer them by ripping out their souls with a little Extreme walk step I like to call 'The Soul Ripper'. And then they go to the Cops to complain but what the fuck are the cops gonna do? "I just stole your soul, fucker!"
Let's get one thing straight…Extreme walking is not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to have the chops. Some people are useless wastes of working organs that should go find a tree to sit under and wait to die. I was born to Extreme walk. I walked out of my mother….and I haven't looked back since.
Do you know that walking is the number one cause of death in America? More people are killed on walks than by Tiger, Shark and Bear attacks combined. That's because they're all useless crybaby animals who can't even walk on their hind legs. Have you ever seen a Bear try to walk? It's pathetic. That's why whenever I see a bear I punch it in the face.
So go for an Extreme walk if you dare. Or do something slightly less dangerous like licking land mines. Fuck the government for not funding more bike paths.
EXTREME WALKING
I was making a list of all the cool things about Extreme Walking and I came to the conclusion that Walking is awesome. A couple of my friends don't like going for Extreme walks. That's fine. They're still my friends, but they have giant holes in their throat where I have stabbed them with a rolled up copy of 'Extreme Walker's Monthly'.
When deciding whether or not to go for more Extreme walks, ask yourself this question, "Do I breathe?" If the answer is "yes", get the F off this page go for a walk. It's extreme.
The best thing about Extreme walking is how crazy it is. You totally go at your own pace. You can stroll by at 3 miles an hour and just watch losers gawk at how casual you can be or you can crank shit up and walk every fucker you see into the ground with extreme prejudice.
People are always asking me, "Greg, what's the difference between Extreme walking and normal walking?" I answer them by ripping out their souls with a little Extreme walk step I like to call 'The Soul Ripper'. And then they go to the Cops to complain but what the fuck are the cops gonna do? "I just stole your soul, fucker!"
Let's get one thing straight…Extreme walking is not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to have the chops. Some people are useless wastes of working organs that should go find a tree to sit under and wait to die. I was born to Extreme walk. I walked out of my mother….and I haven't looked back since.
Do you know that walking is the number one cause of death in America? More people are killed on walks than by Tiger, Shark and Bear attacks combined. That's because they're all useless crybaby animals who can't even walk on their hind legs. Have you ever seen a Bear try to walk? It's pathetic. That's why whenever I see a bear I punch it in the face.
So go for an Extreme walk if you dare. Or do something slightly less dangerous like licking land mines. Fuck the government for not funding more bike paths.
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