Bachelorette Recap- Dodgeball for the Right Reasons

We’re three weeks into Dez’s journey for love and I’m already developing an ulcer. She’s Dez now. Last week, Soulja Boy taught Dez’s boyfriends to rap and dance which, I’ll admit, is a new trick for ABC. I didn’t expect that. This week, we’re back to our roots of climbing buildings to prove we are capable of love. It’s pointless and overplayed, which is a Bachelorette staple. They manufacture ‘pointless’ like Battle Creek churns out cereal. Horribleness is my favorite part of a balanced breakfast. It’s the Bachelorette. 

Dez has a dozen or so boyfriends. This week, there will be a pair of group dates and a 1-on-1 date. The previews also show us that there will be a hospital visit and some horrible acting. I suggest not reading any further.

A bunch of contestants jump in a limo to go to their group date. The ‘All guys’ limo has mirrors on the ceiling, just in case. Dez takes them to a shed to meet a team of professional Dodgeball players (sports quota filled). The Dodgeball guys have hateful looks on their faces. They’re serious. There is serious music.

What follows next is, about, 17 minutes of Dodgeball on ABC. The Staney Cup Finals can’t even get a full 7-game series on a network. The group date is divided into two parts. They play Dodgeball. The winning team gets more time with Dez. It’s the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate prize. They play the game in front of some people at a mall.

Dez is excited about the Dodgeball. She says, “I like to see guys in their natural state”. Their natural state is, of course, playing Dodgeball in front of a mall. This is all very productive. I read a statistic that 100% of successful marriages are built on a stable foundation of not talking to each other while one person plays Dodgeball. If you’re going to decide if you want to marry someone, you should definitely play a ton of Dodgeball and not talk to them about whether or not they want kids or have allergies.

Red team gets pumped up for Dodgeball by yelling, “What time is it? Dez time!” It’s Dez time because they ignore Dez to play Dodgeball.

The Dodgeball is intense. Michael G. says it best, “This is it. This is for all the marbles… and, what we think are marbles would be all of the minutes with Desiree.” I had to blink a couple of times because I thought Michael G. was Knute Rockne. It wasn’t, but he sounded like Knute Rockne.

Brooks breaks his finger, despite his flowing hair. A Bachelor medic comes out and determines that Brooks has a broken finger and needs to go to the hospital. It’s serious. The music gets serious. They show ambulance lights. I say the rosary.

The Dodgeball continues without Brooks. The rest of the Red team keeps Brooks’ locker intact in his memory. The Blue team wins. In the end, Dez took both teams on the rest of the date so, the volleyball proved to be doubly pointless. I had six hundred dollars on the red team so, I was pretty disappointed.

ABC takes us to the hospital to check on Brooks and his flowing hair. They sent their worst camera be

cause the hospital footage is very shaky and grainy. It’s hard to fully realize Brooks’ pain. I try. The hospital people ask Brooks if he does drugs. It’s subtitled. He says ‘No’. It’s hilarious.

At the post-Dodgeball cocktail party, some guy named Brad, who I haven’t noticed to this point, pulls Dez aside to tell her about his past. Brad has a son and didn’t even exploit that son. Brad’s an idiot. His son must not be cute enough to exploit.

After a struggle with his drunken wife, Brad had a domestic violence case dropped in the past. He’s ready to put that behind him to find love. It’s behind me too. I move on.

Some other dude named Chris spends 8 minutes with Dez and decides he’s built a connection. He just throws the word connection around all willy-nilly. Dez felt a connection too because she gave Chris a rose. They’re connected now, and I’m expecting their connection to echo through time.

Brooks triumphantly returns from the shaky, grainy hospital, still in his dodgeball uniform. He takes Dez to a couch, says ‘Hi’, and then they make out for 3 minutes. Brooks never got a chance to shower so I’m assuming he smelled kind of bad. After their make-out session, Dez says, “I love our conversations”.

A couple of seconds after making out with Brooks, Dez pulls Chris over to a private concert from Kate Earl. They make out. I hope Chris likes the way Brooks tastes. I hope Kate Earl likes pouring her heart into her music while 2 people slow dance and make out in front of her.

We come back from break and Dez is lounging in the living room of her mansion, reading a book. I hope she doesn’t have to sleep in that living room. Dez, mic’d up and perfectly lit, gets an unexpected phone call. She’s shocked. I’m shocked. Who gets phone calls when they’re just lounging around in the living room? No one, right? It’s a shock. We’re all shocked. Who is on the phone? I have no idea. 

So, it’s obviously an unexpected phone call because they’ve equipped the opposite line of the phone audio to be picked up by ABC cameras. It’s Chris Harrison. Dez and Chris Harrison have a poorly acted exchange about one of her boyfriends. One of her boyfriends has a girlfriend outside of the show. They music gets thundery. There’s a storm coming.

Dez’s pants are skinned colored so it looks like she’s not wearing pants.

Next up, we get a completely staged segment of television. Brian has a girlfriend back home and Chris Harrison doesn’t want him to get away with it. Brian and his fake girlfriend don’t actually exist. They’ve been hired by the show to add drama. It’s dramatic and annoying.

The girlfriend comes on the show and, honest to God, I’ve seen better acting at 3rd grade plays. It’s more painful than white people rapping. ABC has sunk to a new low. This woman screams a lot at Brian for coming on the show for the wrong reasons. Brian kinda defends himself.

There’s a ton of talking and head nodding. Chris Harrison tries to interrupt this girlfriend girl from talking and almost gets his finger broken. There’s no stopping this woman from talking. She’s a storm of emotion.

Brian was not here for the right reasons, but he’s leaving for the right reasons. He’s leaving because he’s a jerk and a paid actor. Dez kicks him off the show. Chris Harrison demands that he pack his bags and leave. Some big guy whose face they don’t show blocks Brian from saying goodbye to Dez’s other boyfriends.

One of the guys describes Brian’s deceit as “heartbreaking” and, it was. My heart is broke. I need a Bachelor medic to reset my heart.

Dez gathers her boyfriends and gives them one last chance to confess if they’re there for the wrong reasons. None of them confess anything. They’re all there for the right reasons. It feels good to have that cleared up.

I love that, on a show where a girl gets to know her 25 boyfriends by making a Soulja Boy video with them and then watches them play Dodgeball, she lectures someone about having a girlfriend.

Brandon, who is totally there for the right reasons, cries to the camera about guys who deceive women. He relates this situation to the guys who deceived his drug-using Mom. It’s emotional. ABC forgoes the soft piano for some soulful guitar. I thought the tearful display deserved soft piano, but I don’t work for ABC.

Kasey takes Dez away for their 1-on-1 date and the rest of the guys stand in the kitchen without their shirts. Kasey and Dez take a limo to Sunset Boulevard to climb a building. They act surprised that there is building climbing. Apparently, neither of them has ever seen the Bachelor before. 

Kasey is afraid to climb down the building, but he agrees to do it because it’ll show Dez that he’s here for the right reasons. They have a ton of fun dancing on the side of the building. I did not have a lot of fun. I miss Soulja Boy. Dez says it best, “I think I peed my pants”. 

When they’re done climbing the building, they sit on a couch to talk. This date is off the hizzah. It gets windy and their candles break. I get scared. My wife and I hold hands. Dez and Kasey jump into the pool. I start breathing into a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating. They make out and Dez says that the date is
disastrous. I hope Kasey has fun watching this back.

The date ends. Thank you for reading down this far.

The group date is next. It’s the perfect chance to plug the Disney movie ‘The Lone Ranger’. It’s good because, I’ve been waiting 70 minutes for a commercial. They show footage of the movie and then act out stunts similar to the stunts used in ‘The Lone Ranger’.

Everyone dresses ‘Old West’ style and they learn to lasso and fake fight. The fake fighting is better than the fake yelling from earlier on the show. When they mention Juan Pablo, they say both ‘Juan’ and ‘Pablo’. There’s horses and… you what, screw it. There’s no point in describing the rest of this date because, I can tell you guys care about it as much as I do.

Stuff happens and Dez gives Juan Pablo a badge. They go off and watch ‘The Lone Ranger’. It was a Lone Ranger commercial. We all got played. I hate this show. If she was smart, Dez would have taped the movie with her phone to sell bootlegged copies on the internet. 

Later, everyone drinks and hangs out by a campfire. Bryden and Dez sit in a tree. There are probably ants crawling all over them. You don’t just sit in a tree. Bryden doesn’t attempt to rape Dez, so she gets frustrated and attacks his face with her face. They make out. Bryden says, “It’s awesome”. USA!

Dez and Zak laugh and I laugh because they’re silly. Then, James comes over and there’s more laughing. Everyone laughs. It’s good to just relax and laugh. Then, James tells Dez about his father’s pancreatic cancer and there’s less laughing. Dez gives James a rose because his Dad has pancreatic cancer. My Dad never went that extra mile for me. They make out. I wonder if James can taste Juan Pablo?

The Lone Ranger

We’re back from commercial and Chris Harrison gathers the group for a huge announcement. Harrison says, “You’re probably wondering why I’m here because, the last time I showed up, it was to kick one of you off of the show for dating someone outside of the show”. It’s so cliché. Harrison’s announcement is that the cocktail party has been cancelled to make WAY FOR A POOL PARTY! I’m relieved. There’s been way too much shirt wearin’ on this episode.

Ben steals Dez before the pool party to make out in her blue Bently. The Lone Ranger. The rest of the guys are mad at Ben. It was about time they got back to hating Ben. He’s seriously here for the wrong reasons. Ben lied about stealing Dez away to make out in her Bently. There’s a huge confrontation. The dramatic violin guy is in mid-season form.

Ben doesn’t care that the guys hate him. He says, “It’s called ‘The Bachelorette’ for a reason. It’s not called ‘Let’s Make Friends’.” That was my yearbook quote.

Brandon pulls Dez aside to cry again. He promises to never hurt Dez. He says the word ‘love’ and I throw my remote control across the room. This guy is unstable. He tries to make out with Dez but, she pulls back. She’s hasn’t had enough time to fall in love with Brandon. He should’ve waited until next week.

The Lone Ranger

The Rose Ceremony is next. Dez wears a blue chandelier around her neck and dumps some of her boyfriends.  Chris Harrison lets everyone know there’s only one rose left (because, that’s what he does) and I realize that Brandon isn’t getting a rose. She dumps him. It’s a lesson for all aspiring Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants. Wait until the road trip to tell him/her you’re in love.

Brandon swears and cries a lot. Dez tells him he’s an incredible person. She looks really afraid to talk to Brandon. I don’t blame her. They have a private talk (private, except for the millions of people watching) and Dez talks about how they don’t have chemistry. It would have been nice if they she had a chance to watch Brandon play more Dodgeball.

Brandon cries about being abandoned again. He says that he can’t cry anymore because he’s out of tears. I didn’t know that was a thing. If you could run out of tears, I would have been on ‘E’ after ‘Red Dawn’.

Next week, Dez has her boyfriends play Arena Football to get to know them better. The Lone Ranger.

Greg Bauch wrote ‘FrankDates’ for the right reasons?

Bachelorette Recap- Love is Like a Soulja Boy Video

Dez Hartsock (she’s Dez now) is looking for love. ABC is trying to serve love up. Dez is the poor girl next door with a Cinderella story. All of this year's contestants have two arms. I think the following three quotes really set the tone for tonight’s episode.

“It’s nice having Soulja Boy here to guide everything.”

“I never, in a million years, imagined that I’d be doing a rap video with Soulja Boy."

“Zak W. blew me away today.”

How could you not get caught up in this recap?

Fifteen contestants remain in this, the most dangerous of games. Chris Harrison gathers his crew together at the mansion to lay down the rules: 1. Do not rape Dez. 2. Have a devastating story. 3. Have abs.

The guys look their best in their logo-less tees. They’re excited about the prospect of finding love. I have to admit, I’m excited too. I love love. I’m rooting for everyone to be safe and have fun. After Harrison announces the rules, the guys all clap. They clap like first base coaches (sports quota filled).

There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and one terrifying group date that makes me question Democracy and the freedom of speech. What is seen on tonight’s episode cannot be unseen.

Brooks gets the first date. The guys all congratulate Brooks and pat him on the back for taking their taking out their girlfriend. They’re so happy for Brooks.

Brooks is excited about his time with Dez. He says, “She’s this ball of mystery to me”. Any girl would like to be called a ball of something. Dez is excited too. She says that, “I couldn’t be more excited”. So, to clarify, if John Lennon and George Harrison came back to life, and told Dez that she had just won the lottery, and then the Beatles performed a live concert on the roof of the Bachelor mansion, Dez’s excitement meter wouldn’t budge.

Dez and Brooks jump into her car and go to a wedding dress shop because Dez likes wedding dresses. Brooks is super cool about hanging out with Dez at a wedding dress shop for their first date because he doesn’t want to get kicked off of a reality TV show. Of course, any guy would be completely cool with trying on wedding dresses and tuxedos on a first date. This is, I think, the second or third time ABC has done this wedding dress date thing, and it wasn’t cool the first two times either.

Brooks puts on a super goofy green tuxedo and its super goofy. I can’t even stand it. I cover my eyes because, holy cow, the goofiness.

They go out for ice cream in their wedding clothes (so goofy!) and the crowd recognizes Dez. Some woman flips out and starts screaming and hugging Dez. This woman couldn’t be more excited.

Dez and Brooks make out on the Hollywood sign because, why not. They slurp all over one of the ‘L’s.
On the way home, they get lost (not really) and the neighborhood is bad because there’s graffiti. It’s clearly a poor neighborhood because a bunch of kids are sleeping in their living rooms. Brooks is sure they’re going to die, but Dez isn’t nervous because she knows that producers have set up a candlelight dinner in the middle of a bridge.

It’s a bridge date. It’s romantic. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Brooks tries to talk about his parents’ divorce and the music goes from soft, romantic piano to ultra-soft ‘Brooks came from a broken home’ piano. It’s dramatic. Brooks’ Dad wasn’t around. He probably regretted naming his son ‘Brooks’. This show is dramatic. Brooks cries about his Dad and this guy is pushing hard for his own Bachelor season. America is falling in love with that bastard Brooks.

When dinner is over, the happy couple wanders further down the bridge to take in a private concert from Adult Contemporary star Andy Grammar. There’s a carpet in the middle of the bridge. Producers brought out a throw rug for their Andy Grammar concert. They think of everything. Andy Grammar is professional and doesn’t falter in singing despite some horrendous ‘White People’ dancing and some ‘bridge’ slurpin’.

The date is a huge success, I guess.

The group date is next. Dez lines up her 13 boyfriends to give them a speech about how serious she is about finding love. Then, she announces they’ll all be in a rap video with Soulja Boy.

White guys line up to freestyle. They all start their freestyle rap by saying, “My name is…” because that’s how white guys rap. Soulja Boy does a good job of not slapping anyone.

The rap being performed is called ‘Right Reasons’. It’s a parody of former Bachelor contestants. They make fun of Casey Mumbles, Mesnik, and Rated ‘R’. I’m hoping you have no idea what that last sentence means.
Soulja Boy takes a bunch of the white guys to show them some dance moves. Even this season’s black guy can’t dance. There’s a ton of dancing. There’s rapping. I don’t really have a lot to say about the rap video part. I hated it. I hated it so much I now have a bump on my neck.

The group date cocktail party is next. Shirtless guy questions whether or not some of the other guys are ready to settle down and be serious. He came onto a Reality TV show, to share a woman with 24 other guys, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Shirtless guy is a hypocrite.

Shirtless guy gives Dez a used diary. It has an inscription from a Dad to a daughter in the back, but the pages of the diary are blank. Apparently, the daughter wasn’t a big fan of her gift from Dad because she discarded it without ever recording a single memory. I argue with my wife over whether or not giving a girl a used diary on a first date is creepy. I don’t win a lot of arguments so, it felt good to be on the right side of one so lopsided.

The guys sit on couches and drink and talk about Dez. Some guy named Brandon says, “Love is like a butterfly. You hold it too loose, it flies away. You hold it too tight, it’s gonna die. So, I’m not going to be the guy to squish whatever I could have some day with her.” You can make fun of this show all you want but, you do learn a lot about love… and butterflies.

Ben has become the villain this season. He’s the guy who exploited his cute son to gain attention. He horns in on other guys’ conversations so they run off to huddle and talk about Ben. They don’t think Ben is here for the right reasons. I don’t either, you guys.

The plumber guy, Mikey, pulls Ben aside to give him a what-for. Mikey doesn’t appreciate Ben stealing time with his girlfriend. He doesn’t think Ben is genuine… I think. I don’t really understand Mikey because he doesn’t use his words. They laugh with each other and compliment shoes. This is a terrible episode of the Bachelorette. Mikey is a grown man, yet still calls himself ‘Mikey’. Even my computer underlines his name in red, as if to say, “Dude! He’s a grown man. No way he still goes by ‘Mikey’!”

Ben and Dez cuddle on a couch. They talk about his son. Then, Ben asks Dez if she would mind being kissed. It’s not awkward at all. None of this is. They’re on camera. The awkward part comes when we see Brandon sitting quietly in the bushes, watching them kiss. Brandon starts crying. He cries because the girl he’s known for 15 minutes kisses one of her 14 other boyfriends. Hey Brandon, you’re holding the butterfly too tight!

Brandon pulls Dez aside to tell his sad ‘I don’t have a Dad’ story. The ‘Brandon didn’t have a Dad’ music kicks in. Brandon puts his foot on the gas to tell a ‘My Mom did drugs’ story. A couple of the soft piano breaks from the pressure of Brandon’s dramatic story. It’s dramatic, guys. Brandon really likes Dez and tells her. He says, “I didn’t think I’d fall in like with her this quick”. I hate this show.

Dez tells the camera that Brandon would be a great husband. Then, she gives a rose to Ben because his son is cute. Dez doesn’t even realize that Ben isn’t even here for the right reasons. I realize it, guys.

At the end of the night, the group sits on a couch and raps out loud. I fish my keys out of my pocket so I can cut my arm.

The last 1-on-1 date goes to Bryden, despite his name. They hop in her aqua blue Bentley for a California road trip. Dez talks a little about how hard she had it growing up because her brother slept in the living room.

They go to the beach, then they pick oranges, then they eat cheese. Bryden says, “This is too much fun” and I totally agree. It’s too much fun. I can’t take it. Just as I’m about to explode, ABC goes to commercial. I totally dig toothy Jan from the Toyota commercials.

Back from the break and Dez and Bryden eat dinner outside in the dark. Please try to keep up. Bryden tells a story about getting into a car accident and the soft piano returns. He almost died… but, to the best of my knowledge, his Dad was around, so it’s not totally dramatic. Dez likes Bryden’s near-death story and tells the camera that she is falling in like with him. Bryden is an Iraq War veteran. He gets a rose. America rules!

Then, they change into bathing suits and jump into a hot tub. There’s some awkward talk. Bryden talks about what an awesome time they’re having, three times. Dez tells him to shut up and make out with her. He does. They rub abs and make out. It’s a hot, slurpy good time. America rules!

The cocktail party is next. Thank you so much for reading down this far. Michael pulls Dez aside to tell her the dramatic truth about his type 1 diabetes. At this point, the soft piano guy is getting hazard pay. This is more soft, dramatic piano than I’ve ever heard on the Bachelorette. It’s record breaking.

Right in the middle of Michael’s dramatic diabetes story, Ben swoops in and steals Dez. The rest of the guys hate on Ben and soft piano guy gets a break. Dramatic, serious violin guy revs up the ‘We hate Ben’ music. The guys sit on couches to hate Ben. I’m hating Ben from my couch at home, so I feel like I’m a part of the group.

Mikey and the rest of the guys yell at Ben. It’s heavy. Ben defends himself. They go in circles. It’s all pretty stupid. It’s like listening to drunk guys in a bar argue over who is a bigger Bills fan.

Meanwhile, SUNY Geneseo reads Dez another poem, or something. Some lawyer guy talks.

At the rose ceremony, Dez thanks her boyfriends for making her feel comfortable. Then, she dumps a couple of them. The black guy goes home. SUNY Geneseo goes home. He needs to work on his poems. He should focus on ‘butterfly’ analogies. It worked for Brandon. He got a rose.

While the credits roll, they play a portion of the Soulja Boy video ‘Right Reasons’. They don’t play the whole thing. They tell you that you need to go to ABC.com to watch the whole thing but, ABC.com crashed from the millions of people who went to the site to see the whole video. If you did go to ABC.com to watch the entire ‘Right Reasons’ video, please stop reading my blog.

We made it through an entire episode and Hashtag guy didn’t say ‘Hashtag’. I’m #disappointed. It’s like he’s not even #trying. How do you expect to be #Hashtag guy if you’re not going to constantly say ‘Hashtag’ #fail #bachelorette #stabme.

Next week, an ambulance arrives at the mansion because, it’s the Bachelorette. There always needs to be an ambulance. I wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t the constant promise of someone getting hurt. They need an ambulance on stand-by because, love is like a butterfly. If you hold it too tight…

Greg Bauch wrote most of this with his eyes closed because they were caked shut with blood from watching all of the white people dance. He is the author of ‘Frank Dates’.

Bachelorette Recap- Hashtag Shirtless Guy

The Bachelor franchise is in trouble. ABC canceled ‘Bachelor Pad’. They kept bumping back tonight’s premiere of the Bachelorette. I held out faint hope that this season might be canceled because Americans started watching less to pay more attention to their families. Alas, America still cares more about crap than family. The Bachelorette rolls on.

ABC searched the globe for the perfect Bachelorette contestant. They wanted a woman straight out of a fairytale who will inspire everyone to find love. They picked Desiree Hartsock, last season’s 4th place finisher. 4th place Game Show finishers don’t even get the home version. Dez got her own season. She’s Dez now.

Dez is excited about her moment in the sun. She says, “Picture the best dream you’ve ever had and then
times that by ten… that’s what I’m living right now”. To that, I’d say to Dez, “Picture a scenario where you’re in a hole and your legs are crushed by 3 tons of jagged metal. There’s dirt raining down on you. You can’t breathe. That’s what I’m living right now”.

In a preview of the season, we see that there is drama. There are people here for the wrong reasons. There are guys who point at you when they talk and say, “Boom”. There will be helicopters. There will be tears. There will be lots of tears. Dez (she’s Dez now) is a crier.

Dez is pretty, I guess. She seems nice. She’s not Ashlee H., so I don’t specifically wish her harm. Dez drives up in a car that makes clunky noises to show how down to Earth she is. Dez tells us how hard she had it growing up because her brother had to sleep in the living room. That’s pretty rough. I’ll bet all of the people in Third World countries who drink out of the same well as their entire village and have life expectancies of 16 heard about Dez’ plight and immediately mailed her some bugs and grass to eat.

Dez cries some more before we even get a chance for drama. Her parents are married so, she cries because she also wantss to be married. It’s sad.

Next, we re-live Dez getting dumped by Sean Lowe. They even show us the part where they stood in a tree and yelled ‘Hello’ to Canada. I tear up a little bit. Dez says that all she wants to do is make someone happy. She could destroy the Bachelor franchise from the inside. That would make me happy. I wish Dez would make me happy. I once had to sleep in my living room.

ABC gives Dez a fancy car and then they show her roller skating around and trying on hats. Then, she sits on the beach to think and look at seagulls. Game 6 of the NHL Western Conference Semifinals is 213 channels away.

Chris Harrison sits down to interview Dez. Chris Harrison’s shirt was engineered by NASA to be 100% wrinkle-free. You could build a house of cards on his shirt. They play up the ‘poor’ angle. Apparently, Dez lived in a Burmese prison and only ate fish heads. Harrison asks where she stands on kissing. She says, “If I wanna kiss the guy, I’m gonna kiss the guy.” Dez says, “I want a man!” Dez is a total whore. Most poor girls are, though.

ABC takes 7 minutes to show Dez get dressed and brush her hair. She can’t get through it without crying about wanting love. Make no mistake; Dez wants love. Chris Harrison tells the camera that the entire show is pulling for Dez to find love. If that were true, it would have been nice of the show to not line up 25 egotistical maniacs to date her.

As per usual, we get video bios of the favorite personalities:

Bryden is a soldier who is kind to dogs.

Will yells ‘hello’ to Chicago and does yoga. He’s the black guy.

Drew runs without a shirt and had a tough childhood. His brother also slept in the living room.

Nick R. is a magician and a virgin.

Zak doesn’t need ‘c’s in his name and has super tall hair. He drinks coffee without a shirt.

Robert invented people who spin signs and sits on benches to think while being filmed.

Mike is a dentist with big arms.

With the warm and fuzzy video bios finished, it’s time for Dez to meet her boyfriends. Some of these men are actors. Some of them hate some of them. All of them have abs. Limo gimmicks have grown progressively worse through the years and this season raises the bar.

Juan Pablo brought Dez chocolate. One guy wears a suit of armor. One guy doesn’t wear a shirt. One guy decides to be named ‘Bryden’. Nick M., who I’m told is from SUNY Geneseo, read Dez a poem. My wife liked it. I glared at her.

An Emergency room doctor asks Dez to dance and he tries to dip her. He fails in doing so. It’s slightly uncomfortable.

Two of the contestants this season have killed before. And I don’t mean that they accidentally hit people with their car on a country road. They’ve meticulously mapped out and committed several murders. There’s sure to be an epic ‘murder victim’ battle between the guy who creepily tried to dance/grope Dez and the guy who showed up in armor. They both have freezers full of woodchucks.

ABC? More like Cray-B-C! Am I right?
Sorry.

ABC loves to exploit children so they allowed one guy to bring his 3-year old along to make a good first impression. I wish my Dad used me for tail. I’d respect him so much more. The kid says cute things and he was probably a paid actor like half of the people on this god forsaken show.

When the limos leave, the alcohol comes out. The next 45 minutes is a mixture of awkward conversations and booze. There are no rules on the Bachelorette, so ABC throws a bunch of roses on a table and Dez can hand them out at any time. The contestants sit around and drink and decide who to hate. I decide pretty quickly to hate Kasey. Kasey works in Social media, which I didn’t think was possible. He keeps saying ‘Hash Tag’. It’s #annoying. He needs to be #punched in the #teeth. If Kasey has a single friend, I’ll eat a rented bowling shoe #worstpersonalive.

We’re just over an hour in and Dez drops a bomb. She throws out the word ‘connection’ about 3 weeks early and gives a rose to Ben, the guy who hired a child actor to be cute in front of a limo. It’s a good lesson for us all; use your children to better your situation, whether it’s wallet making of confidence games.

Because Ben got the first rose, all of the guys hate him. They sit around and talk about Ben. The music turns murdery. The murderers plan their murders.

Producers told the guy with no shirt to take off his pants and jump in the pool. Then, they told Dez to give him a rose so America can be mad at him for another week. I know I’m looking forward to hating him next week. I plan to set aside a few minutes a day to hate him.

Juan Pablo pulls Dez outside to show her how well he kicks a soccer ball. This ploy never worked for me, but Juan Pablo scores a rose. Juan Pablo is all sorts of dreamy. He’s like an Australian Russell Crowe. All of the guys come out to play soccer in suits. It’s awkward. I sweat too much to play soccer in a suit. Dez kicks a ball and the guys cheer like she just won the World Cup. I hate pandering #pandering.

During the commercial break, I see a promo for ‘Rookie Blue’. Could you imagine a police department full of ridiculously gorgeous people? I’d commit crimes on purpose. Rookie Blue, you have the right to remain stunning!

After the break, things get rapey. Jonathan lights some candles and tries to rape Dez. When she resists his invitation to a fantasy suite to have sex, he puts his hand on her back and tries to push her to the fantasy suite/ rape room. She resists again and politely tells him to leave her alone. She moves on to another contestant. Undeterred, Jonathan grabs Dez again and tries to force her to his fantasy suite. We’re pretty close to our first televised ‘Bachelor’ rape.

Social media guy says it best, “Hash Tag Fantasy Suite Fail, Jonathan!” Dez kicks Jonathan off of the show for trying to rape her. She’s Dez now. After Dez kicks Jonathan off of the show for trying to rape her, she says, “I don’t think he was here for the right reasons”. I don’t think ‘rape’ is ever the right reason so, I can’t argue with her.

A bunch of roses are handed out. It all happens fast. I’m still trying to get over the fact that Dez’ brother had to sleep in the living room. Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison lays down the law for this season. One thing is clear, even on a show without rules, don’t rape Dez.

Dez throw roses around like Dennis Rodman threw ‘bows (sports quota filled), so the Rose Ceremony is unspectacular. It does give me a chance to hate a few of the guys for the last time.

The serial killer/ dance guy does not get a rose. The serial killer/ suit of armor guy does not get a rose. Apparently, ABC doesn’t think it would be good for ratings for Dez to be murdered in the middle of the season. I tend to disagree. She did give Social Media Kasey a rose so, there’s a chance I will get on a helicopter and fly to California to murder Kasey the 600th time he hashtag’s something. My hatred for Social Media Kasey could power an amusement park #hate.

After he says goodbye, serial killer/ dance guy makes a joke about his ‘dip’ mistake in the beginning of the show, saying, “I practiced that move 50 times and, of the 50 people I dipped, only 2 of them had a problem with it”. I actually like serial killer/ dance guy now. I may have mislabeled him as a serial killer.

Suit of armor guy regretted his wearing of the suit of armor. He blamed his choice on his belief in love. It makes a ton of sense. He just wanted to show Dez how much he believes in love so he wore a suit of armor. What is so hard to believe about any of that? Sometimes, I don’t think that Dez is here for the right reasons.

We get highlights of the upcoming season. Dez cries a bunch. She runs through orange trees with someone. Shirtless guy wears a shirt. ABC hired a really bad actress to come on the show to scream at Dez about something. Someone is found to be there for the wrong reasons. The guys shout and point and say “Boom”. It’s super dramatic, guys. You probably shouldn’t watch #superdramatic.

Please, stop watching.

Greg Bauch is the author of 'Frank Dates'.

Bachelor Recap- Sean Can Only Have Sex with One Woman Now, Forever

When a deer gets caught in a trap, they’ll chew off their own foot off to escape. I considered doing this to get out of watching and recapping 3 hours of ‘Bachelor’ misery tonight. Unfortunately, my foot does not reach my mouth. I don’t even own a saw.

Sean Lowe is so close to finding true love, he can taste it. America can taste it. The Bachelor only has two girlfriends left. You’d think, with only two measly girls around, ABC could wrap this crap up quick but, no. We get another 3-hour season finale. I know people who like this show and I know people who only watch it to make fun of it and, I guarantee, no one likes the fact that the finale is 3-hours long.

Before the fun starts, the big-voice ABC guy says we have a “bomb shell ending”. I guess that means that everyone involved in this garbage walks in front of the camera, apologizes to America, and then quits without an ending.

They tease us that there some big dramatic note at the end, and that Sean could get dumped but, it won’t be anything near that dramatic. This show is stupid.

We begin with a live studio audience and everyone’s favorite interviewer, Chris Harrison. The studio audience is predominantly female. They’ve all just consumed some Red Bull and have practiced both approving and disapproving faces in the mirror.

Chris Harrison mentions the stakes. A girl fist pumps when Harrison says ‘Lindsay’ and I vow to never fist pump again… even if I win the Masters. (Sports quota filled)

After the intro, we head to Thailand to catch up with the love triangle. There’s lots of b-roll footage of dragon flies and flowers. Sean’s family is flown in to waste some time.

Catherine gets the first chance to make a good impression. She wears a shirt that looks like a hammock. They sit at a table to drink water. WATER! This is going to be the longest 3 hours of my life.

Sean’s mom asks Catherine what she has learned since coming on the show. She says, “It’s beyond comprehension at this point”. So, if you’re scoring at home, Catherine can’t answer the question. She can’t process the information. If she has learned something, she doesn’t know it. She can’t comprehend.

As Catherine continues to try and comprehend what’s happening, Sean’s mom pulls her aside. She asks when Catherine first started to develop feelings. Acoustic guitar kicks in just as she starts to say when she realizes she was in love with Sean. It was back when he was dating 8 women.

Sean’s mom is making it clear that she is not enthusiastic about her son proposing to a girl he’s known for 3 months while dating other women. I like Sean’s mom very much.

Sean’s dad is next to grill Catherine. He basically holds a job interview. He stops short of asking her what her weaknesses are in the work place. Then, he makes America cry by telling Catherine he’ll love her if Sean picks her. It’s super heartfelt. Acoustic guitar guy almost breaks his fingers with some serious ‘Dad says heartfelt things’ guitar music.

Catherine tells the camera that she loves Sean’s dad more than her real dad. I’m not making that up.

Sean says goodbye and throws Catherine into a minivan. We’re 15 minutes into a 3-hour show and we’re already done with one family meeting. What the hell are they going to fill with? Is Chris Harrison going to sit in front of a screen and recap the last 4 Bachelor seasons?

Lindsay gets to meet the family next. They act like they didn’t just meet Sean’s other girl that he’s close to proposing to.

They all LOL over Lindsay wearing a wedding dress. It’s super fun. Lindsay says, “I never thought, in a million years, that I’d be sitting here with Sean’s family”. I guess she just came on the show to build up her resume.

Sean’s dad pulls Lindsay aside for an interview. He says that his wife and he prayed every day for Sean’s wife, even before they knew who she was going to be. Lindsay cries, Sean’s dad cries, my wife cries and everyone is crying.

Sean’s dad spent a good 11 minutes with Lindsay and he’s completely confident that there is nothing wrong with her and that she’s perfect for his son and that televised love can happen.

Sean’s mom interviews Lindsay next. She smiles, even though she hates this show. They talk and there’s talking.

Lindsay assures Sean’s mom that they can be serious and they talked about the hard things. I saw it. I saw when they talked about the hard things. They had a serious discussion in a hot tub, 10 feet away from Sean’s other 12 girlfriends. They talked about how tough it is to live in a mansion and travel to exotic countries. They’ve been through a lot together.

“I’m so glad my parents got to meet Lindsay so they could see how in love with me she is.”
Again, the family meetings are over and we still have 2 and-a-half hours of show.

Sean sits down with his mom to see what she thinks of his girlfriends. The music gets storm-cloudy. Sean’s mom starts to cry because she has a brain and doesn’t want him to marry a woman he met on TV while dating 24 other women. ABC thugs stand at the ready with cattle prods, in case she gets out of line with her blasphemy.

They walk in the jungle so she can try and talk him out of this. It doesn’t work.

Things are getting intense. ABC bumps back with their live audience to give us all a breather. Chris Harrison teases that there’s breaking ‘Sean Lowe’ news that just came down in the last 24 hours. They show an audience member turn to her friend and exclaim, with her face, “What could that breaking news be?” She should have text the word ‘Sean’ to 550550 for all breaking ‘Sean’ news.

I have a feeling that the only way 'Splash got green-lit is because Louis Anderson drowns to death.

Back from commercial break, Lindsay gets the first last date. She says, “I’m so blessed to be here in Thailand with Sean”. Because, that’s what God is worried about, blessing Lindsay.

They ride a boat on the Mekong River. Sean impresses Lindsay by pointing out geographical facts that are surely being fed to his earpiece by Bachelor producers.

She says, “Everything just kind of melts away” when she’s with Sean. And, it is because of Sean and not because she’s been on a 3-month vacation in a country most hard working Americans will never get a chance to visit.

Sean says, “A life with Lindsay would be fun and would never be dull.” I wonder if he’ll remember saying that the first time he’s at a birthday party for a 4-year old  and Lindsay is yelling at him for constantly checking his phone and he yells “What do you want me to do?” and she’s like, “Pay attention to the party! Pay attention to me” and there are no Thailand boats.

They make fake binocular faces and their boat captain has a look on his face like, “These are the two whitest people on Earth”.

Sean tells Lindsay that he can picture her being a hot old chic. Then Lindsay says, “I love you. I really, really mean it”. Lindsay should write for Hallmark. She had me teared up when she said “I love you” but, to then throw in the “I really, really mean it”, that’s some big-gun shootin there. She’s going for it!

Lindsay continues to butcher English and I can’t type fast enough to keep up.

She says, “I’ve never thought that I’d be this close to something that I’ve always wanted all my life and, to have it right in front of me and it being better than I ever imagined it would be so, It’s overwhelming and exciting and there’s no f’ing way you read this entire quote but that is what she said”. This woman is a scourge. She needs to be stopped.

They get comfy in a suite AND THEY’RE FINALLY DRINKING GIANT GLASSES OF ALCOHOL. They make out while talking. It’s slurpy good. Then, they make with the soft growly talk so America can’t hear.

Lindsay says that she’s nervous to get dumped and Sean tells her not to be nervous, which, I mean, of course!

Lindsay says that Sean’s kisses tell her everything she needs to know. Apparently, she needs to know “Slurp”. Lindsay pulls out a surprise for Sean. It’s a couple of wish lanterns. You write wishes on the paper lanterns and then set them on fire so they float up int….YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE THIS IS THE THIRD TIME BACHELOR PRODUCERS HAVE FORCED THEIR CONTESTANTS TO DO THIS!

I hate this show.

Lindsay says, “Seeing our wishes float away is so romantic and that’s exactly how I wanted this night to end”. I don’t think she knows what she’s saying.

Catherine’s final date is next. We’re almost to the end. There are only 140 more minutes to go. Catherine gets a final date despite the fact that she’s clearly not going to win the Game Show.

They get to ride an elephant WHICH HAS BEEN DONE ABOUT 8 TIMES ON THE BACHELOR. They’re excited to ride the elephant because, who wouldn’t be? There’s elephant riding. They ride it. Keep up!

Catherine says, “We’re riding an elephant in Thailand” and I’m all, “I know!” Sean explains the navigation controls of elephants. He knows so much about everything. He’s like Carrie Ann Moss learning to ride a helicopter in the Matrix.

When they’re done riding the elephant... THEY RODE IT!...  they relax in a gazebo to drink giant glasses of alcohol. They talk about real life. The elephants are parked a few feet away and I’m guessing that wine doesn’t taste real good with that smell lingering. You don’t just fan elephant smell away. That’s a stench that cuts deep. They make out to the smell of elephants and ABC goes to commercial and I’ve only got two hours to go!

Elephant riding… they rode them… the elephants… elephant riding is over and Sean and Catherine get cozy in their hotel suite. Catherine tells the camera that she’s ready to make sure Sean knows that she loves him. I yell, “It’s about time!” and wake up my wife.

Catherine basically says how much it sucks that she can say she loves Sean but Sean is contractually obligated to not express his feelings. As Marty Pecoraro would say, “Great point!”

They make out and slurp but, it’s not as slurpy as when Sean slurps with Lindsay. I wonder if Catherine can taste Lindsay. What if she can taste Lindsay and she likes it?

Sean tells the camera,“I never thought I’d be in this situation”. So, to recap , the guy who went on TV to date 25 women never, NEVER, thought that he’d be in a situation where he had to pick between two women. Never. I hate this show.

Before she leaves, Catherine whispers, “I love you”. Sean whispers back, “Thank you for today”. Boom! Sean is not picking Catherine. You can see it in his face.

ABC even plays fake heartbeat sounds. It’s as if they’re saying, “Can you hear it? Can you hear Catherine’s heart breaking?” I heard it, ABC. I heard it. Catherine could tell that Sean doesn’t love her.

Catherine comes back crying. Sean comforts her. She’s sad that Sean can’t say “I love you” back. She says, “I feel like S***”. I do too, Catherine.

Catherine throws herself on a bed to cry. They rode those elephants, by the way.

ABC bumps back with live female studio audience. He invites members of the audience to provide commentary. It’s suddenly talk radio. Art Wander used to do this and, that always worked out well. One of the brilliant studio audience members, who clearly have never seen the show before, says, “It could go either way at this point”. Thanks, home team broadcast!

We’re back from commercial with a solid 45 seconds of shirtless Sean footage. He sits on a deck in a towel and thinks out loud about his girlfriends. They roll out footage we’ve already seen. Sean puts his shirt on to think more (BORING!)

He goes over to the biggest whore, Neil Lane, so he can show America diamonds they’ll never be able to afford. I hate Neil Lane. I would like elephants to trample him. We’re treated to a 5-minute diamond commercial. Neil Lane smiles a lot. Neil Lane takes a hand full of diamonds and pours them into his mouth and eats them. Then, Sean eats some diamonds. A poor person walks by and Neil Lane kicks him over. They both belly laugh as their mouth’s bleed.

After that, Sean takes his shirt off again to put on another shirt. They show us the process of Sean dressing. It’s important television. They should show this in schools.

Lindsay is next up to get dressed while her voice over explains how in love with Sean she is. They do not show Lindsay with her shirt off. It isn’t fair. Lindsay cries a lot. I’m sure Sean will never get sick of that.
They don’t show much of Catherine getting dressed because she loses and, who cares?

90 minutes to go!

Back from break, Chris Harrison checks in with his live studio audience and asks who they’re pulling for. They cheer more for Catherine than they do for Lindsay, which is a complete one-eighty from the beginning of the show. This show is a whirlwind.

They interview some of Sean’s other girlfriends. It’s cute. The girlfriends are all so happy for the guy who dumped them recently. Sarah with one arm talks and it takes forever. AshLee talks and I zone out because she’s terrible to listen to. How desperate are these women to re-appear on the Game Show that is responsible for them being dumped in front of millions of people? It’s a pointless segment, but it helps us fill out that 3-hour time slot.

We’re back in Thailand (keep up!) It’s almost over. Sean just has to dump one of his girlfriends that he recently had sex with and then ask the other to marry him.

The loser limo pulls up and LINDSAY GETS OUT! OMG HE DUMPED LINDSAY!

I’m never really correct about these things. I need an analytics department for my Bachelor recap. I’m sure there were some statistics that would have told me Catherine was going to win. Matthew Coller probably knew.

Sean brings Lindsay up on their Thailand alter to dump her. He says nice things about her, before he dumps her. He says that he loves being with her before he dumps her. He has this big long speech about how awesome she is, despite the fact that he’s about to dump her. He dumps her.

He says it’s the toughest thing he’s ever had to do. Watching it is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. Lindsay takes it well. I’m sure it helps that she doesn’t really understand what he’s saying because she doesn’t speak English. They’ll tell her in the limo.

Sean apologizes to Lindsay for dumping her and demands that she know how hard it is to dump her. He’s crying and he probably shouldn’t have dated 25 women. Now, Lindsay is crying and I’m crying and, who even cares about those stupid elephants because nothing matters and love doesn’t exist.

I guess Lindsay shouldn't have burned those lanterns.

Lindsay knows that being a future Bachelorette is important too, so she leaves in a classy manner to not piss off ABC. She takes off her trillion dollar shoes to walk away into the Thailand sunset. Sean follows behind to apologize again for dumping her. There’s a ton of snot. It’s everywhere. Chris Harrison earns some bank by walking Lindsay to the limo to cry.

Sean walks down a path lit by torches. It’s a metaphor.

Lindsay cries about how she was tricked into thinking that she wouldn’t get dumped on a Game Show where a man dates 25 women. The music is a cross between Genesis and Chicago. That’s a sappy mix.

When Lindsay is carted away, Chris Harrison walks up to Sean on his Thailand Bachelor alter and says, “That was rough!” He then hands Sean an envelope. ABC cuts back to the studio audience because, why just end the show?

On the other side of the break, Sean reads a dramatic letter from Catherine that we all have been led to believe is someone dumping Sean. It is not. That much I was right about. It’s just a love note. It’s stupid. This show is stupid. I hate it.

Sean loves Catherine and asks her to marry her and she says yes and the show ends and there’s still another hour of show. They even show that jerk’s name on the diamond box because there is no good. There’s a ton of talking. It’s that quiet, growly talk.

When they leave, they LEAVE ON AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!11!!!!!

I hope elephants replace helicopters.

Catherine loves her elephant ride and exclaims, “I get this? I get this?” Yeah, right Catherine. In real life, you’re going to get a ton of elephant rides and not ever will you be forced to argue in an Arby’s drive thru about having to go to both families’ houses for Christmas.

I will note, when Chris Harrison escorts Catherine to the Thailand altar and he does not have a good poker face. He hides the ‘You win’ secret like I hide a pair of 8’s.

The studio audience is happy and cheering. I cheer a bunch at home. Some things are set on fire. Chris Harrison brings Sean up to talk about his tremendous journey. ABC producers instruct some audience members to yell, “Take your shirt off!” and everyone laughs because it’s hilarious.

Andy Dick is on Dancing with the Stars. That’s like putting dog poo on dog throw-up.

After the commercial break, Chris Harrison asks Sean, for the 1,000th time, if he’s nervous and my wife blurts out, “Yes! We already went over this!”

Sean and Lindsay talk and there’s talking. I have my fingers crossed that they’ll make out but, it probably won’t happen. Lindsay looks terrible. The break up wasn’t good to her. She looks kind of orange.

Sean tells Lindsay how awesome she is. The studio audience nods approval. Lindsay asks Sean why he dumped her and he tells her that he prayed to God to tell him who he should dump. So, to recap, God told Sean to dump Lindsay. That should make her feel better.

Lindsay thanks Sean again for dumping her. They have closure. Chris Harrison doesn’t think so because he fires a series of questions, making her re-live the dumping. Chris Harrison is a jerk.

Lindsay then asks again why he dumped her and Sean admits he made up his mind on the final night of the show… because it was God’s idea. They have closure. Chris Harrison asks her to, again, explain how’s she’s feeling about being dumped. Lindsay says that she got through it because she had a lot of faith in the God that chose her to be dumped. God’s kind of a jerk.

Chris Harrison says that everyone has fallen in love with Lindsay. He never asked me.

We go to commercial and there is only 34 minutes left. Everything has already happened so I’m not sure what’s going to happen when we get back from commercial. They’ll probably talk to the audience because I still have a few brain cells remaining.

We come back with more cheering and, for a second, I think we’re at Arrowhead stadium. Chris Harrison brings out Catherine so we can see how cute our favorite Reality TV couple is. They’re super cute, guys.
Chris Harrison asks some hard-hitting questions like, “How much do you love this guy?” Catherine says a bunch of words. Harrison asks Sean, “What do you love about her?” and he says, “Everything” and the audience cheers. There are more words. So many words. Not even my mother has read down this far.

They show one guy in the studio audience and he’s totally going to pick up the scraps from these ‘Shirtless Sean’ crazy Bachelor fans. This guy is smart. That audience is the place to be for some trim. These women are all melting from ‘Sean’ love.

Chris Harrison says, “American has fallen in love with you two” without even really asking us. And, even if America has fallen in love with Catherine and Sean, is that really an impressive feat? American also fell in love with Yahoo Serious for a couple of months.

They replay the proposal that we just saw minutes ago. This show has no content. Sean cries and Catherine cries. Chris Harrison NEVER CRIES. That man is a rock.

Sean Harrison finally reveals the breaking ‘Sean’ news he’s been teasing. He says that Sean and Catherine are going to get married live on ABC and I have to recap it. I sure as hell hope they break up before then. Those weddings are torture. I think the odds are on my side.

The next Bachelorette is Dez. (She’s Dez now) I hate all of you for reading these recaps. I. Hate. You.

Bachelor Recap- The Women Tell All as America Cheers

Lots of things are bad. Drugs are bad. Criminals are bad.

The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ episode is bad in the way that hamburger is bad when you forget it’s in your cooler and leave that cooler in your garage through the month of August. It makes you throw up. I’m trying to draw a parallel here to how The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ makes me feel like I’ve just put my face into a cooler containing rotten meat. I’ve completely run out of ways to describe how bad the Bachelor is and I’ve stooped to using meat. I'd be embarrassed but, you're the one reading the Bachelor recap.

I have no idea if Sean Lowe finds true love. We will all find out during the Bachelor finale but, we’re going to have to swing in the wind for now. ABC wants us to earn this privilege. First, the women must tell all. I can't believe they're going to tell 'All' in only two hours. I can't wait until they get to the Magna Carta. I've always wondered about that story.

‘The Women Tell All’ episode of the Bachelor is taped in front of a live studio audience, which means, it is taped. The studio audience consists of 249 single women and 1 guy. Chris Harrison kicks things off by asking the crowd 3 questions.

Chris Harrison asks, “Has this been the best season ever?” and the crowd goes nuts with cheering. Chris Harrison asks, “What do we think of Sean?” and the crowd cheers louder. Chris Harrison asks, “What do we think of Sean with his shirt off?” and the crowd cheers so loud that a portion of Los Angeles breaks off into the ocean. America loves shirtless Sean.

When Chris Harrison references a shirtless Sean, they show a woman in the audience high-fiving her friend, and I vow to never high-five anyone again for the rest of my life. Two women, in the audience of the Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’, high-fiving is the opposite of cool. I display more cool when I dance at weddings. I dance like the armless/legless guy from Metallica’s ‘One’ video trying to Morse code to his nurse to kill him. I’ve been drinking.

Chris Harrison mentions Sean and the crowd cheers. He mentions Tierra, and they boo. The Bachelor has become a Tom Slick cartoon.

Before the Women Tell All, Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe roll out footage of their guerrilla assault on Americans watching the show from home. These two crazy kids visited viewing parties so women could scream.

They go to a Sorority House and 48 College girls have Sean take his shirt off and I’m uncomfortable. It’s kind of jail-baity. The studio audience loves his College Girl seduction because they cheer like they’re watching the World Cup. I think I’ve filled the Sports quota but, it’s hard to concentrate. There’s so much screaming.

That crap ends and we move on to women telling all. Chris Harrison introduces the season’s contestants to more cheering. This audience must do raging rivers of Coke because they’re constantly prepped to jump through the starting gate with euphoric applause. They’re so excited. I was less excited to get a bike for Christmas than a live Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ studio audience is to hear the name of a woman sent home two weeks into the season. Soldiers returning from war are less excited to see their families. This audience has more energy than a pack of rabid Border Collies. They cheer anything Chris Harrison asks them to cheer. Chris Harrison could introduce a Mechanical Drawing teacher and this audience would explode like their High School boyfriend just threw the winning touchdown in the State Championship. They’ve all simultaneously won Powerball while witnessing the 1980 U.S. Hockey team beat Russia.

There’s a girl named Katie I’ve never seen before. There’s a girl named Robyn who never existed. I don’t know why they’ve brought these women back and why anyone would want them to tell all. Kacie B. is back and she’s not wearing eyeblack so, who cares?

Tonight’s show is basically all about Tierra. All of Sean’s girlfriends hate Tierra and get a chance to squawk about her. ABC doesn’t put Tierra on the show immediately. She’s brought on later so they can talk about her behind her back. It’s a good tactic. Jerry Springer uses this tactic.

They show footage of Tierra saying, “Enough is enough. Grow up before I beat the bleep out of these bleepitches.” The rest of the women make mean faces. It’s interesting how these women clap for each other and rally around their hatred for Tierra. They all dated the same guy at the same time, but have become close friends. I would rather chew a cinder block than have a 4-second conversation with one of my wife’s former boyfriends.

Chris Harrison teases the appearance of Tierra and they show Tierra backstage, spraying Axe all over herself. Since it’s a super-live studio show, ABC shows a stage hand giving Tierra instructions. It’s a behind-the-scenes look. You’re so fortunate, America. This kind of access is groundbreaking.

Tierra comes out and things get all quiet because everyone hates Tierra. She’s terrible. I feel bad for her. Chris Harrison pleads with the audience to give Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story and I yell out, “Give her a chance!” Harrison says, “Even we couldn’t anticipate how dramatic things would get.” Even though they scientifically studied how dramatic things would get through personality tests and focus groups.

Tierra defends herself, talking about how her light is on when she’s with people who make her comfortable. Please, don’t bother reading that last sentence back and trying to make sense of it. That’s what she says and that is what it means. Tierra explains that she acts awful because Sean gave her the first rose so the other girls hated her. No one in the audience nods approval because Tierra is bad and doesn’t deserve approval. It’s been minutes since someone cheered.

Chris Harrison beats Tierra down for not loving Sean’s other girlfriends and tells her that she’s naturally bad. He asks her why she wasn’t friendly with Sean’s other girlfriends. While Tierra talks, they show us the facial expressions of the other girls. There’s a lot of head shaking. Paramedics stand by, ready to rush in to treat any neck sprains.

Harrison asks Tierra if there’s anything she wants to apologize for and she says ‘No’.  The studio audience starts sharpening their pitchforks and lighting torches. Tierra might be murdered soon.

There’s a commercial break so everyone gets a chance to breathe. On the other side, Harrison opens up a forum for the girls to attack Tierra and they attack her. There’s attacking.

AshLee and Tierra talk about a fight they had in St. Croix. There is just so much talking. I don’t follow it. There is too much talking. I paid more attention to my first cell phone contract.

At the end, Tierra apologizes to all of the women for not trying to be friends. She says that everyone can better themselves and I realize that I can better myself, and I promise all of you that I’ll be better.
Chris Harrison brings up how Tierra said she can’t control her eyebrow. Tierra says, “Who cares about my eyebrow” and Harrison says, “America does!” Tierra’s sparkle comes up and Tierra explains how her sparkle is not for bad. It’s for good. I should just type this all in German.

Harrison points out that Tierra is wearing an engagement ring. She’s going to marry a guy who she dated before she went on the show. He asks when. She says, “No comment” and Harrison says, “Really” and she says, “I got engaged in January” which, to be fair, is a comment. The engagement might be a fake. I’ll investigate this accusation. Trust me, America. I won’t sleep until I know whether or not Tierra is really engaged. During the commercial break, I do a Google search, “Is Tierra really engaged?” and the first results says ‘No’, so that’s settled.

We’re back and it’s time for Sarah to sit on the Hot Seat, but it’s not really the Hot Seat because Sarah only has one arm and America loves her. They show a fan in the audience mouths, “She’s my favorite” and my wife and I high-five and I’ve already broken my ‘No High Five’ promise.

Chris Harrison plays the footage of Sarah with one arm getting dumped. America cries. My wife says, “I don’t know why she says that she was born with one arm. She was born with one and three quarters of an arm.” So, my wife and I aren’t talking anymore.

We watch Sarah’s heartbreak all over again as Sarah watches her heartbreak all over again. She’s crying and Chris Harrison just looks at her. He doesn’t say a word. He just looks at her as if to say, “Did that make you sad? You’re not crying a ton. We could really use some dramatic crying here. If you think it would help, we can play the footage of you getting dumped or falling during Roller Derby again.”

Sarah does cry more. She explains how guys only go so far with her in relationships and it’s because she has just one arm.  I disagree, but the show is taped so, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Desiree is next on the Hot Seat. The seat is not really hot because, America loves Desiree. The seat is probably warm because Sarah was just sitting on it.

They show Sean and Dez (she’s Dez now) yelling “Hello Canada” and I’m all, “I remember when they yelled Hello to Canada”. We’re reminded of how Dez’ brother ruined her chances with Sean by calling out Sean for dating dozens of women at once. Dez gets to watch herself cry on TV and, once again, Chris Harrison asks her if she likes watching herself get dumped on National T.V.

Chris asks what she’s learned from her Bachelor experience and, surprisingly, she doesn’t say that she’s learned to never again date a guy who is also daring 24 other women on television.

AshLee is next on the Hot Seat. Chris Harrison refuses to ask her why she misspells her name. We get to watch AshLee getting dumped because I have short-term amnesia and can’t remember things that happened 7 days ago…. Where was I? Um… What? Uh. I think…. I think I was recapping something. Oh! The Bachelor! AshLee can’t spell her name and she’s on the Hot Seat and she just got dumped again.

AshLee explains how she is a very reserved person who went on a National TV show, watched by millions of people, to find a husband. Harrison asked her why she stormed off the show without talking. She says that she didn’t talk because she was looking for answers. I’m confused. There's a ton of talking and, I think I've made it abundantly clear how much I hate when AshLee talks.

AshLee claims she’s not in love with Sean anymore. She attacks Sean character and the studio audience is not happy. You do not attack the character of a man willing to take his shirt off constantly.

Sean Lowe is next on the Hot Seat and the studio audience will tell you that it’s Hot because Sean is sitting on it and he’s hot. They’re yelling, and not because the studio is on fire. It’s because they’re all sexually attracted to Sean Lowe. I’d tell you what the studio audience wants to do to Sean Lowe but, it’s none of your business.

Sean is confronted by AshLee. She wants to know why he dumped her, which is always a good question to ask the person who dumped you. Sean explains that he led AshLee on because he was in love with her. He says, “Only on the Bachelor are you going to fall in love with 3 women at once.” I think I see the problem with the Bachelor.

ABC continues to post Tweets from Bachelor fans around the world. I notice that Sean Lowe’s Twitter handle is SeanLowe09, and I can’t believe the Bachelor can’t get dibs on a non-numbered Twitter handle.

Things get uncomfortable… more so. AshLee confronts Sean on telling her that he didn’t have feelings for the other two girls. Sean says, “I never said that” and AshLee says, “Yes, you did”. Sean then says, “I never said that” and AshLee says, “Yes, you did”. This goes on. The audience is quiet because, it appears as if our shirtless hero is not telling the truth. There’s nothing to cheer for. Panic sets in.

ABC keeps the cameras rolling during the commercial and bump back with footage of AshLee and Sean still arguing about whether or not Sean lied to her about having feelings for his other girlfriends. They agree to disagree. It’s stupid. Why can’t they just argue with Facebook posts like everyone else?

Chris Harrison changes the subject by bringing up how Dez (she’s Dez now) was dumped. Dez is all smiles talking with SeanLowe09 and how he dumped her. Dez and Sean are best friends. It makes sense because, girls love the guy who dumped them on TV for one of the other girls they lived in a mansion with.

Chris Harrison sums up the Bachelor by bastardizing Shakespeare, “The best laid plans of Bachelor and Bachelorettes seemed to go off the rails at the wrong times.” Several people at home die of heart attacks.

Next comes bloopers and they’re super hilarious. Camera men fall over and a dog runs into a camera and there’s an attack duck and Sean takes his shirt off and I laugh so hard, I bruise my lower intestine.

We close out the show with preview footage of the final week and ABC pretends like Catherine has a shot in hell of winning. Catherine doesn’t win. Sean says, about Catherine, “She brings out the silly in me” and guys don’t say things like that when talking about the women with whom they want to have a 6-month relationship. There was not one single mention of the Magna Carta.

Lindsay wins the Bachelor Game Show next week. ABC decides that Greg Bauch shouldn’t die quick, so they close out the most dramatic season in Bachelor history with a 3-hour show. Chris Harrison promises that Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic conclusion. There’s a ton of crying… and kissing. I’m going to try to kiss the front of a moving bus.

As the credits roll, ABC gives us 400 pictures of a dog that died, who we were apparently supposed to have loved dearly. I loved you, mystery dog. I can’t believe you’re gone.

Greg Bauch gave Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story.