Super Bowl Commercial Recap

Did you guys see the Super Bowl? I missed a lot of the game so I could take notes and give you this commercial recap because my boss respects me about as much as any of my ex-girlfriends do.

Before I recap the highlarity that resulted from millions of dollars of marketing research and CG technology, let us first take a look at where things went wrong. Football used to be a game of skill, finesse and cheating. Did you know that the very first professional football game played in 1892 wasn't even on television? Now, we have two weeks where every piece of meaningless drivel robotically delivered by an uncaring millionaire is sent directly to your phone.

There are people who view the big event specifically for the commercials. Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials is like making love for the exercise. Exercise should be third on your list behind 'procreation' and ahead of 'spite'. The Super Bowl should be watched for the football....and the gambling.

I guess I shouldn't complain. If Danica Patrick wants to pretend like she's almost going to get naked every year, I should just sit back and enjoy it. Here is your commercial recap:

- Super Bowl XLIV commercial breaks started out with a bang. Apparently, Russell Crowe is going to play Robin Hood. My immediate concern was over the threat of a possible comeback of that Bryan Adams song. Then I realized the 'Kevin Costner' Robin Hood came out almost twenty years ago. I feel old.

- I wonder if the people behind the advancement in Cinematography and special effects realize all of the trailblazing work that they've done led to Betty White being tackled in a Snicker's pick-up football game. If so, I hope that they're proud. That was a 'Win'.

- This year featured a large number of Ads with people smacking each other. I'm sure we'll find out, forty years from now, that our society is more violent because of Superbowl XLIV. The commercial with the little kid smacking his mother's date was a little jarring. I'm sure the good people at Doritos are busy reading letters today. The Doritos funeral commercial featuring a guy in a coffin full of Doritos watching football may have been the winner on Sunday.

- When I was 9, the Superbowl Shuffle was the greatest thing that ever happened, so it was hard for me to hate it yesterday. I do know that, if winning a Superbowl requires a dozen or so knee surgeries and the need for a Rascal Scooter at the age of 50, I'm glad I stunk at football.

- There wasn't a single person in my gathering of friends who isn't at least a little creped out by the E-trade babies. The commercial did lead to a heat discussion about 'Look Who's Talking' and whether or not it was 'cool' for a 12-year old boy to go see that movie at the theatre with his parents. Apparently, I'm not cool.

- The Saints won.

Superbowl Commercial Recap

The biggest football game of the year will be played in Miami on Sunday and the itinerary has been handed to the WGR 550 staff. We will need to follow interviews, injury news, write a running diary of the game and give opinions on why the Saints/Colts came out on top. I'm in charge of watching the Superbowl commercials and telling you what I think.

I wish I was dead.

I hate Superbowl commercials and I'm being forced to pay attention to them. When am I supposed to use the bathroom? But, like Winston Churchill once said, "You dug your own grave with those Bachelor recaps. Now dig your way out."

The good news is that I'm already pretty confident that I know what kind of commercials are going to be shown. So, I'm writing the recap now in hopes that I won't have to do it again Sunday night.

Here's a recap of what think we'll see Sunday. If I'm wrong, you'll get another one next Monday.

Worst Five Commercials:
5. The anti-smoking commercial- These commercials are probably effective, but I object to the idea of the :30 documentary recap where they got 5 kittens addicted to smoking and then showed how slow they jog.

4. The unsettling beer commercial that shows an alcoholic trying to get rid of his DT shakes with a new easy-pour can that makes the beer come out faster.

3. Jamie Lee Curtis eating a case of high-fiber yogurt in the kitchen with her friends and then making out with a bunch of preubeasant boys.

2. Bud Bowl 4.

1. The digitally reanimated corpse of Billy Mays displaying a new line of NFL licensed Snuggies.

Best Five Commercials:

5. Godaddy.com upping the 'softcore porn' ante with Danica Patrick stranded in a desert with the 1985 Chicago Bears.

4. ABC's cross-promotion ad where they reveal the ending of 'Lost'.

3. Chris Berman, Marie Osmond and Dan Marino each shoveling in handfuls of weight loss pills to see who can shed the most pounds in 30 seconds.

2. The beer commercial where the horses stop playing football to run over and kick the Kardashian family to death.

1. Bud Bowl V.

I hope you agree with me on my recap. Again, if none of these commercials actually happen, check in next Monday for the real Superbowl commercial recap....unless I'm fired by then. (fingers crossed)

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Dramatic Rose Ceremonies

When will women who want to be on a Reality Dating show learn? Never tell the Bachelor that you're saving yourself for marriage.

The only reasons a guy would subject himself to the process of leaving his life on hold for 6 months to listen to a dozen women complain about each other is so he can eventually have sex with a few of them in the fantasy suite. I've watched one hundred seasons of this show (it feels like one hundred) and there is always one girl who confesses that she's a virgin (like it's something you'd need to confess?) and they never make it to the end. Usually, the Bachelor never kicks a girl off the same week that she reveals her purity, but Jakey had some major groping to get in with there being just a few girls left.



So, we're now down to 4 women since Corrie told "fly boy" that she's not giving up the cookies.



Let's handi-cap the odds for the girls remaining.



Vienna- 3%
Considering that Vienna was planted by the producers of the Bachelor to pester and harrass the other girls and drum up ratings, I think she has a zero% chance of winning. Keep in mind that there is a 3% margin of error. Vienna is also ugly and kind of looks like a dude.
















Tenley- 12%
I'm giving Tenley 12% because she's the most annoying girl in the history of the show. I hate her voice. I hate her smile. I hate that America probably think she's sincere, when no contestant on this show could ever be sincere.

















Gia- 80%
Gia is a drop-dead gorgeous swimsuit model. What do you want here, talk about her personality? You're not getting it. I have no doubt that she's on the Bachelor to further her career and get some exposure. That usually makes me angry, but I'm just glad she's around. She's not annoying. She looks really good and gives me something to look forward to every week. Without Gia, I would spend the 2 hours looking for sharp objects to jam between my fingers to stay awake. Yes, I made her picture bigger on purpose.





Ali- 5%
Ali is spending all of her time trying to trash a woman planted by the producers to ruin the show. If you only get 3 minutes alone with a man to try and impress him enough to ask for your hand in marriage, try not talking about someone else the entire time. It's probably a turn-off. Ali is attractive, but I could see her getting angry and hitting kids. I don't know why I have this mental image of Ali leaning into the back of a Minivan to smack one of her children with a newspaper, but I can't shake it. She seems a little intense for me. Good thing I don't have abs. I don't have these kind of problems.


















There you have it. Holy cow, next week is going to be so dramatic. It was revealed, in a promo at the end of Monday's show, that there will be no rose ceremony next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to put more exclamation points there, but I had to stop because I was crying so heavily.

Does ABC actually think that I'll be surprised that there's no Rose Ceremony next week? Of course there isn't. Mr. Pilot kicked a bunch of extra women off of the show a week early, so they need to fill to get to sweeps week. It's television science, not drama. I can't wait to see Jake get 'fake' upset over the idea of kicking more skanks to the curb and cancel the rose ceremony. It's going to be ultra-dramatic. It'll be Dramatically Dramatical.

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Dumping a Bunch of Women

So, Jake is a nice guy because he cleared out half of the field Monday night in a couple of fell swoops. Okay, I didn't know that dumping double the number of women that a Television Network asked you to dump was honorable, but that's what happened.


It was the most dramatic dumping of 4 women in Bachelor history!!! (3 exclamation points, by the way....just sayin')


This pilot guy is a piece of work. First of all, between being the Bachelor this season, and being a contestant last season, this guy hasn't flown a plane in a year. Who wants to be on the first flight after Jake-e-poo is done ruining lives on his little show? When I miss a week of work, it takes me days to recover, and I just push buttons for an AM radio station. Jake flies planes. They better jam him into a simulator first.


Second of all, the Bachelor sucks. (Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee. I was assuming no one read down this far.)


For those of you keeping score at home, Jessie, Ashleigh, (that's actually how she spells 'Ashley'.) Ella and Kathryn (that's actually how she spells 'Catherine'.) all were sent home. Ella and Kathryn had a double date where only one girl was suppossed to get a rose. Jake booted both of them. Then, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Jake kicked out an extra girl.


This is how it happened. And, try to keep up because it was really dramatic:
There were two roses left and three girls waiting for their rose so they could be on T.V. longer.
Just as Jake was about to call out a name, he stopped. Then he pretended like he was going to cry, as was discussed earlier in the week with the producers. Then, he left the room to find Chris, the host of the show. Even though, in 8 seconds, Chris was about to come out and tell everyone that there was only one more rose left, he was nowhere to be found. This tool has one thing to do, tell the girls that there's only one rose left, and they can't find him. It was dramatically convenient.

They showed Jake talking to a producer, who then gets on a walkie-talkie, trying to find Chris. It's all very dramatic. Finally, they find Chris in the next room. Jake asks Chris for advice in dumping two women instead of one. Chris gives him the double thumbs up and then goes into the rose ceremony room and tells the girls that two of them are getting dumped so Jake doesn't have to. It was pretty dramatic.


That last two paragraphs were awful but, I'm quite certain no one is reading this so, I felt safe.


The most attractive woman remaining is Gia. She's a swimsuit model who is looking for true love. My pick to win has changed to Ali. She's an awful human being though, so she loses some points. My wife likes Tenley. For some reason, the sound of Tenley's voice doesn't make my wife want to murder people. We have our differences. The producers made Jake keep Vienna around because she annoys the rest of the girls and probably improves the ratings of this waste of resources we call a T.V. show.


ABC is constantly running promos in an attempt to find the next Bachelor. I told my wife that, if she dies in a train accident, I would wait a year to send a tape into the network. I argued that I can't wait too long because there aren't many Bachelors over the age of 35.
I even told her that she could help me make my tape now, just in case. She got mad. My wife doesn't believe in being prepared.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of an Anti-Climactic Episode

I think only three girls cried during this week's episode of the Bachelor. It certainly was not the most dramatic episode ever.

The advertisers for this show have to be worried because I'm losing interest. You can't follow up an episode where a model sleeps around with stage grips with a nice quiet trip to Sea World. And what do the producers like so much about bungee jumping? Every season, someone is jumping off of a bridge with the Bachelor. It's getting old. That bridge was only 300 feet high. If the cord snapped, they both would have probably survived with minor head injuries.

My show recap is stained with disappointment. It can't be as much disappointment as the people who went out to see a comedy show one night and wound up watching 8 women get hammered and scream about how much they hate Vienna.

The only semi-dramatic event from Week 3 was the departure of the clearly insane Michelle. For those of you who don't watch the show, Michelle was brought in by the producers to give the show it's first ever triple-homicide. They were picking contestants when they saw her out in the street eating a live Robin. They dragged her into the ABC studios, combed her hair and threw her into a dress. Then, they gave her enough Meds to survive a couple of weeks. It was fun while it lasted.

It is truly disheartening how it ended for Michelle. I wanted to see blood. You can't just allow that nutjob to leave the show in the middle of an episode. I wanted her exit to be dramatic.
Picture a rose ceremony where she doesn't end up with a rose and just snaps. She grabs Tenley's rose and stabs her in the throat with it. Then she takes out Jake with the heel of her shoe in a murder-suicide rage. I know that is what the producers wanted.

Not surprisingly, Jake said goodbye to my favorite, Elizabeth from Nebraska, because she wouldn't kiss him. Poor Elizabeth just played the game wrong. If you're competing with 10 other girls almost as smoking hot as you, you gotta "give up the cookies". (That phrase was stolen from Mokita of the T.O. show.)

I found it funny when Elizabeth questioned Jake about the need to kiss her and he said, "Kissing is how I show affection". I would hate to be his nephew.

I would express surprise over Valishia being sent home, but I honestly do not remember ever seeing her on the show. I'm not sure that she wasn't just planted in as an extra for week 3. That doesn't say much about her impression on Jake.

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Sleeping With A Boom Mic Operator

The whole premise of this season's 'Bachelor' is that nice guys don't have to finish last. It's too bad that, on the second episode, the hottest "contestant" had sex with a member of the production crew. I wonder if Jake feels that he has won under this scenario?







Rozlyn, a model who was on the show to find true love and not to further her career in a lucrative but cut-throat field, was so enamored with Jake that she held out for 24 hours before rubbing up against the nearest male she could find.


Rozlyn was confronted during the cocktail reception before the rose ceremony by the Host of the show, Chris. Unlike every Major League Baseball player, she did not deny any wrong doing. She just packed her bags and left. IT WAS THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR EVER!



It was a dumb move. I'm sure her agent is seething. She would have made it until the final week and would have had that much more exposure time to nail down that Revlon gig.

Can I say something? How cool is this 'Production Assistant'? You're some grip on a TV show set, and you convince a smoking hot model to ruin her chances of winning a fake-love reality show for a make-out session. This guy needs to have his own reality TV show. Either that, or this Rozlyn chic is a sex-crazed nymphomaniac. In which case, she definitely needs to have her own show.....on Cinemax.

Other happenings:


My favorite to win, Elizabeth from Nebraska, ruined any chance of that happening by telling Jake he can't kiss her until she's chosen as his bride. Might as well pack that suitcase, Liz. I can already hear Jake spouting some bullcrap about needing to "see if the chemistry is there". The bottom line is, you don't go making your own rules, Liz. It's 'The Bachelor', not 'The attention-starved Nanny'.




The producers purposely kept the insane chic, Michelle, away from Jake this week so he wouldn't get to spend time with her and figure out that she's out of her mind. She didn't get a date and that always means getting a rose. When are these girls going to figure this out? Look at that one girl who broke her ankle a couple of seasons ago. She got two sympathy weeks out of that injury.










With Michelle around, viewers actually have something interesting to watch. This psychopath will slap someone before the season is over. I'm hoping it's Vienna.



Next week, someone else gets kicked off of the show for doing something bad. I'll just assume Michelle murdered 6 people.

Bachelor Recap- On The Wings of Love

It is that time of year America. It's time for life to hold my arms behind my back and pound me in the stomach with the butt end of a rifle.

The Bachelor is back on the air.

For those of you who don't watch and are new to the show, one guy chooses a bride from 25 women. 23 of them are hot. 7 of them are planted by the producers to stir up drama and controversy. 11 of them are models or actresses auditioning for future talk show roles with ABC. 4 of them are completely out of their minds. All of them will claim to love him 17 minutes after meeting him.

This season, Jake Pavelka transforms himself from a jilted contestant to 'the Bachelor'. Jake is a nice-guy pilot from Texas who was rejected by last season's Bachelorette, Jilian. Now, he gets to choose from 25 beautiful women in what is expected to be the most dramatic season ever. Every season they say it's "the most dramatic season ever". Eventually, we are going to have to reach the breaking point of drama.

They have titled the season, "On the wings of Love", because Jake is a pilot. It's such a touching sentiment. There are rumors that, next season, The Bachelor is a garbage man. They are going to title it, "Love comes to the curb every Monday morning at 8".

Here is a recap of Episode 1:

-The "Abs" bar has been raised this season. Jake has brought some serious abs to the table and ABC wasted no time showing these suckers off. While describing how Jake is a normal, nice guy who always finishes last, they provide footage of him doing construction with his shirt off. I tried to build a shed this summer but my shirt kept getting caught in the band saw. If I only I had Jake's experience. There was a lingering shot of Jake in the shower where they showed him soaping up an ab for, like, 7 seconds. You might not think that's long, but go ahead and count to 7.

- In the interview portion of the show, Jake tells the host Chris that, after getting his heart broke by Jilian, he needed some time to recover. It would be a week and a half before they starting filming the new season. The paperwork would have to be filled out before filming began, so Jake probably had a solid hour or two before deciding he wanted to be the next Bachelor. Luckily, his heart wasn't really broken, so the transition was smooth.

- Jake stands in front of a mansion as 5 limos pull up, each carrying 5 contestants. Jake will meet each of these women, one at a time. They will say something awkward and then go inside and start drinking a helacious amount of alcohol. I've noticed that a lot of girls have been using props during their initial meeting to make more of an impression. Some girl named Valishia gave him dirt from Texas. Another girl gave him a red cooler full of ice and an actual human heart.

- You are given early clues as to who will last a couple of episodes on the show. Like, when a girl with giganic breats named Vienna is introduced, they show you a detailed, 4-minute video package describing her life back home. She's making it through a rose ceremony or two. Vienna was blonde, stunningly beautiful and had a little dog. She has never had to ask for anything her entire life. I wish they would show her doing her taxes.

- Tenley was an incredibly stupid 15-year old Dancer who got the first impression rose. She struck me as mentally unstable. During her video montage, they showed her lying around her apartment, thinking. The idea was, she was thinking about finding her true love. All I could think of was the producers instructing her to "lie down on the couch and think". And then Tenley would ask, "What should I think of?" And then the producers would say, "Think about finding your true love". And then Tenley would ask, "Like this? Does this look like I'm thinking about finding my true love?" And then the producers would say, "Yes, that's great. Just stop talking."

- My favorite to win the show was Elizabeth from Nebraska (pictures left). She's hot, somewhat normal, and will look good hosting the New Years Eve ball drop or whatever reality show ABC has lined up for her future.

- Michelle was completely out of her mind. 10 minutes after meeting Jake, she started crying because 24 other souless women were talking to him and she was suppossed to be the only souless woman who was allowed to do that. You see, Michelle is in love with Jake. When she finally got her chance to talk to Jake, she said, "I..um...would ... love to be...um....the passenger in your....um...........plane."

Michelle would be on her way home on account of being insane and stupid, but the producers get to choose a couple of contestants that Jake must move to the next round to keep the show interesting. Otherwise, he would meet Elizabeth and then tell everyone else to go home 4 seconds into the season.

- After the Bachelor, ABC rolled out a show called 'Conveyor Belt of Love'. As you might have guessed, 5 girls sit in chairs as 30 guys roll by on a conveyor belt and they choose which ones they want to go out on a date with. I got all choked up while watching 'Conveyor Belt of Love' because that's how my parents met.