No one likes living with regret. Think of how bad the Sabres want back four games against Atlanta. You would think I would learn from their mistake and try harder in life. Sadly, that is not the case.
My wife and I, for the first time, used one of those DVD vending machines Sunday night. The selection was vast and there was a line behind us, so we rushed to pick a movie. I remembered seeing ads for the movie '10,000 B.C.' and it looked decent. She, under pressure, agreed so we swiped and carried it home.
Then I got home and opened up the case for a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. The lead actor was Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. It was a movie made for television and, quite possibly, the worst thing ever burned onto a disc.
Here's the plot: An army scientist (Michael Gross) discovers time travel in the 1940's and sends his brother back 70 million years. He can't get him back. 60 years later, he sends a bunch of soldiers to 70 million B.C. to bring his brother back to the present.
Problem #1- They go 70 million years into the past in a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. They're off by 30 million years.
Problem #2 They don't just go back 60 years to talk Michael Gross out of sending his brother back in time.
Problem #3- Michael Gross is the star of the movie.
Problem #3- No nudity
Problem #4- A dinosaur jumps up and eats a helicopter.
Problem #5- A man kills a pterodactyl with a prehistoric bow and arrow.
Problem #6- The special effects rival the original 'King Kong'.
Problem #7- I rented it...and, because I used a card, the government knows I rented it.
I am well aware of the fact that they specifically named the movie '100 Million B.C.' for the sole purpose of duping people like me into renting it, thinking it was 10,000 B.C.
On the bright side, there is no chance that the hour and a half of my life wasted while viewing this movie would have been spent doing anything constructive.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Ghosts
When I was a kid, I was afraid of ghosts. My dad was always in the basement fixing televisions proving that he was not afraid of the ghosts down there. So, I assumed that people out-grew their fear of ghosts.
That is not the case. I am still afraid of ghosts. When I’m alone in the house, I throw wrenches at the closet. When the phone rings, I answer it crying. I can’t go to the beach because of the beach ghosts.
My dad is so lucky. He did not grow up in a time of advanced special effects from the cinematic industry. His imagination couldn’t create the kind of demonic, messed-up bullshit that my mind can create. My dad probably doesn’t know about the demons that rape families.
I tried to make my own ghost-busting backpack but the fucking government is all over my ass about the proton acceleration. So, I’m suing them.
How come ghosts only hang out in basements and creepy abandoned places? If you had the power to go anywhere you wanted, wouldn't you haunt Dave and Busters? It shows how fucking stupid ghosts are. Sometimes I change the channel when something interesting is on television, just in case there's a ghost in the room who was trying to watch over my shoulder. They hate that.
In the movies, ghosts always get people who are showering or making love, so I’ve decided to stop doing both. I’d love to see those fuckers’ faces while I sit here all smelly and celibate.
And if you’re a hot chic sent by the ghosts to make love to me in the shower, forget it. I’m not falling for it.
So, it's on, ghosts! You fuckers have hung out in my basement making noises long enough. Stop making the microwave clock run slow and I'll stop hanging around getting drunk on Sundays and writing about how much I hate you.
That is not the case. I am still afraid of ghosts. When I’m alone in the house, I throw wrenches at the closet. When the phone rings, I answer it crying. I can’t go to the beach because of the beach ghosts.
My dad is so lucky. He did not grow up in a time of advanced special effects from the cinematic industry. His imagination couldn’t create the kind of demonic, messed-up bullshit that my mind can create. My dad probably doesn’t know about the demons that rape families.
I tried to make my own ghost-busting backpack but the fucking government is all over my ass about the proton acceleration. So, I’m suing them.
How come ghosts only hang out in basements and creepy abandoned places? If you had the power to go anywhere you wanted, wouldn't you haunt Dave and Busters? It shows how fucking stupid ghosts are. Sometimes I change the channel when something interesting is on television, just in case there's a ghost in the room who was trying to watch over my shoulder. They hate that.
In the movies, ghosts always get people who are showering or making love, so I’ve decided to stop doing both. I’d love to see those fuckers’ faces while I sit here all smelly and celibate.
And if you’re a hot chic sent by the ghosts to make love to me in the shower, forget it. I’m not falling for it.
So, it's on, ghosts! You fuckers have hung out in my basement making noises long enough. Stop making the microwave clock run slow and I'll stop hanging around getting drunk on Sundays and writing about how much I hate you.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
After the Final Rose Blog
(Warning! Parts of this blog are so emotional and so dramatic that we've decided to present it without a live studio audience to make things as intimate as possible.)
Last night, Jason Mesnick 'The Bachelor', completed his quest to find the one true love of his life and the mother that would help him raise his three-year old son. It was the most dramatic season finale in 'Bachelor' history...as long as 'dramatic' now means 'contrived' and 'shallow'.
For those of you who didn't watch 'The Bachelor' Monday night, here is what happened:
- Jason had to choose between Melissa and Molly.
- Jason chose Melissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
- After the show, on the traditional follow-up episode where they check on the happy couple, Jason dumped Melissa and went back to Molly.
What a fairy tale ending.
It was a pretty intense episode. They filmed the finale in New Zealand. It's a good idea, when deciding who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to do it in a gorgeous vacation destination. I could just picture the happy couple 6 months after the show is over. They're at Block Buster trying to decide between 'Sister Act 2' and 'The Abyss' and she's all like, "The idea of living with you was a lot better when a network limo driver used to shuttle us around between Helicopter rides over the Grand Canyon and Hot Tub fantasy dates."
Jason introduced both girls to his son, Ty. He then brought both girls to meet his family. This witch named Deanna, 'The Bachlorette from two seasons ago who dumped Jason, comes back to get a couple more minutes on camera. She offered Jason a quickie. He declined. After that, Jason had one more chance to dry-hump each contestant before making his "final" decision.
I love the fact that, for the entire season, Jason preached on and on about how important it was for the girl he chose to be right for his son. Ty is the most important thing in his life and he can't be with a girl unless she clicked with him. So, he takes Ty to the beach and let's each girl spend an hour throwing Ty a frisbee. That seems like a solid gauge on how she'll treat Ty for the next 40 years, "Throw Ty a frisbee...Oh She's perfect!"
The moments after Jason proposed to Melissa were excruciatingly awkward to watch. Some dude in a headset pushes the 3-year old onto the set so we can see the dramatic moment of little Ty sharing the happiness with his Dad and Dad's new bride-to-be. Ty goes running up to give his dad a hug and Melissa, thrilled that she won the game-show, tries to grab the kid to hug him. Ty went flying past her like she was a complete stranger. I'm guessing it's because she was a complete stranger.
At least 4 times in the final 3 minutes they show Melissa trying to hug this clueless 3-year old who wants nothing to do with her and will have to spend the next 18-years in therapy because his dad wanted to be on T.V. again.
The 'After the Rose' show begins immediately after the season finale of 'The Bachelor'. Normally, they just interview the couple in front of a live audience to see how their relationship is developing.
Chris, the host of the show, announces that there will be no live audience because of how "dramatic" the events to follow will be. Jason comes out for a short one-on-one. He's sad because he's only had one girl to rub abs with for awhile and he's getting sick of her. Then they bring Melissa out so he can dump her on National Television. I'm not sure if I believe that she didn't know she was going out there to be dumped, but the whole thing seemed convincing.
They push Melissa into an ABC limo because it wasn't embarrassing enough to be dumped on National Television, they need to capture her heartbreak on camera during the car ride home. Then, they bring Molly back on stage so Jason can ask her if coming in second place is okay. They agree to date for 6 months until Jason gets sick of her. Roll credits.
It was the perfect ending to the worst season in 'Bachelor' history. I'm getting choked up just thinking about how I have to go through the rest of the year without watching heartless people manipulate each other. To get my fix, I plan to go down to the kennel to punch stray puppies in the face.
There is one more 'After the Rose' episode tonight. Unless the world ends. (fingers crossed)
Last night, Jason Mesnick 'The Bachelor', completed his quest to find the one true love of his life and the mother that would help him raise his three-year old son. It was the most dramatic season finale in 'Bachelor' history...as long as 'dramatic' now means 'contrived' and 'shallow'.
For those of you who didn't watch 'The Bachelor' Monday night, here is what happened:
- Jason had to choose between Melissa and Molly.
- Jason chose Melissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
- After the show, on the traditional follow-up episode where they check on the happy couple, Jason dumped Melissa and went back to Molly.
What a fairy tale ending.
It was a pretty intense episode. They filmed the finale in New Zealand. It's a good idea, when deciding who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to do it in a gorgeous vacation destination. I could just picture the happy couple 6 months after the show is over. They're at Block Buster trying to decide between 'Sister Act 2' and 'The Abyss' and she's all like, "The idea of living with you was a lot better when a network limo driver used to shuttle us around between Helicopter rides over the Grand Canyon and Hot Tub fantasy dates."
Jason introduced both girls to his son, Ty. He then brought both girls to meet his family. This witch named Deanna, 'The Bachlorette from two seasons ago who dumped Jason, comes back to get a couple more minutes on camera. She offered Jason a quickie. He declined. After that, Jason had one more chance to dry-hump each contestant before making his "final" decision.
I love the fact that, for the entire season, Jason preached on and on about how important it was for the girl he chose to be right for his son. Ty is the most important thing in his life and he can't be with a girl unless she clicked with him. So, he takes Ty to the beach and let's each girl spend an hour throwing Ty a frisbee. That seems like a solid gauge on how she'll treat Ty for the next 40 years, "Throw Ty a frisbee...Oh She's perfect!"
The moments after Jason proposed to Melissa were excruciatingly awkward to watch. Some dude in a headset pushes the 3-year old onto the set so we can see the dramatic moment of little Ty sharing the happiness with his Dad and Dad's new bride-to-be. Ty goes running up to give his dad a hug and Melissa, thrilled that she won the game-show, tries to grab the kid to hug him. Ty went flying past her like she was a complete stranger. I'm guessing it's because she was a complete stranger.
At least 4 times in the final 3 minutes they show Melissa trying to hug this clueless 3-year old who wants nothing to do with her and will have to spend the next 18-years in therapy because his dad wanted to be on T.V. again.
The 'After the Rose' show begins immediately after the season finale of 'The Bachelor'. Normally, they just interview the couple in front of a live audience to see how their relationship is developing.
Chris, the host of the show, announces that there will be no live audience because of how "dramatic" the events to follow will be. Jason comes out for a short one-on-one. He's sad because he's only had one girl to rub abs with for awhile and he's getting sick of her. Then they bring Melissa out so he can dump her on National Television. I'm not sure if I believe that she didn't know she was going out there to be dumped, but the whole thing seemed convincing.
They push Melissa into an ABC limo because it wasn't embarrassing enough to be dumped on National Television, they need to capture her heartbreak on camera during the car ride home. Then, they bring Molly back on stage so Jason can ask her if coming in second place is okay. They agree to date for 6 months until Jason gets sick of her. Roll credits.
It was the perfect ending to the worst season in 'Bachelor' history. I'm getting choked up just thinking about how I have to go through the rest of the year without watching heartless people manipulate each other. To get my fix, I plan to go down to the kennel to punch stray puppies in the face.
There is one more 'After the Rose' episode tonight. Unless the world ends. (fingers crossed)
Friday, February 27, 2009
100 Million Dollars
I don't play the lottery, so I'll never have $100 million. Unless, I'm holding a cheeseburger and Albert Haynesworth and I are stranded in a desert. Then I could sell the cheeseburger to him for $100 million. It pays to always have a cheeseburger somewhere on your person.
As sports fans, we're no stranger to these ludicrous deals given to athletes. In tough economic times though, $100 million contracts tend to seem even more absurd.
So instead of being jealous, I'll just dwell on the good things about not having 100 million dollars. Here are the reasons why I'm glad that I'm poor:
- No one wants to talk to me ever.
- When I do my taxes, it takes one sheet of paper. And there's zero chance the government ever knocks on my door to find out how I can afford my couch.
- If I accidentally leave a rake on my front lawn, my neighbors don't grab it and stab themselves in the face so they can sue me.
- I don't have to get a personalized liscense plate.
- When struggling people I've never met can't afford medication for their sick children, they don't think of me with hatred in their hearts.
- I don't have to put up with all of those moody super-models.
- If a strange drunk guy hands me a one hundred dollar bill, I won't be annoyed.
- I'll never have to send out emails to people, asking them to hold onto my fortune because I'm in danger of losing it to my corrupt, foreign government.
- Zero Expectations!!!!!
I hope this list helps you get through these trying times of NFL Free Agency.
As sports fans, we're no stranger to these ludicrous deals given to athletes. In tough economic times though, $100 million contracts tend to seem even more absurd.
So instead of being jealous, I'll just dwell on the good things about not having 100 million dollars. Here are the reasons why I'm glad that I'm poor:
- No one wants to talk to me ever.
- When I do my taxes, it takes one sheet of paper. And there's zero chance the government ever knocks on my door to find out how I can afford my couch.
- If I accidentally leave a rake on my front lawn, my neighbors don't grab it and stab themselves in the face so they can sue me.
- I don't have to get a personalized liscense plate.
- When struggling people I've never met can't afford medication for their sick children, they don't think of me with hatred in their hearts.
- I don't have to put up with all of those moody super-models.
- If a strange drunk guy hands me a one hundred dollar bill, I won't be annoyed.
- I'll never have to send out emails to people, asking them to hold onto my fortune because I'm in danger of losing it to my corrupt, foreign government.
- Zero Expectations!!!!!
I hope this list helps you get through these trying times of NFL Free Agency.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
ABC Is A Big Ole' Pimp
ABC's 'The Bachelor' is a swanky, stream-lined game of 'Spin the Bottle' and America is watching.
When we last left our hero, Jason Mesnick, he had his field of 25 ladies narrowed down to 3. And the best soft-core pornography was still in store.
If you don't watch 'The Bachelor', I'll get you up to speed on the show:
- One man sends ABC a video of himself, showing his abs, and asks the network to make him the next 'Bachelor' contestant.
- ABC chooses 25 women, 7 of them completely insane, and sends them to California or Rome to battle with each other for the right to pretend like they're in love with a total stranger.
- 'The Bachelor' makes out with said skanks while telling the camera that he's just looking for a Mom for his infant son that he's abandoned during the taping of the season.
- The final contestant agrees to marry 'The Bachelor' and they date for 6 months until a domestic abuse charge tears the relationship apart.
Now that you're almost caught up, here's what you missed Monday:
Each of the three girls travel to New Zealand to spend one day with Jason. The initial arrangement calls for the girls to sleep in a separate suite. ABC then puts the girls on the spot by having them open an envelope and reading, on national television, an invitation to sleep in the same room with 'The Bachelor'. 'The Bachelor' then has sex with them, we can only assume. The next day, he dumps one of them.
Monday's show was awesome. Jason kept talking about how he wanted each girl to let their guard down and tell him how they really felt. This led to incredibly awkward scenes of the finalists trying to ramble through their fake heart-felt speeches, followed by Jason saying absolutely nothing.
To paraphrase:
- Attention Seeking Tramp- "...I know I keep my guard up and it's hard when you're competing with these other girls, but I am generating feelings. I do think we have a connection and.....I'm falling for you."
- Jason- "....okay. Thanks."
If you're keeping score at home, Mellissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and Molly are the two remaining girls.Jillian from Canada was just sent home after having sex with Jason. Apparently, that didn't go well. I liked Jillian. I was rooting for her to win. Of course, I have never had sex with her.
My wife asks me why I'm so hard on the contestants and 'The Bachelor' himself. He does not, admittedly, seem like a bad guy.
Here's my response:
I believe that a person could think the idea of going on a T.V. show and meeting a mate is a good idea. I do not believe that dating someone six times with several other attractive men/women also dating that person, while not able to communicate in a regular fashion because the entire interaction is being taped by a cameraman three feet away and then broadcast to millions of people on television, is a good way to find a mate.
Jason went through this process once as a contestant, and then decided it would be a good idea to put 25 women through the same torture he endured when he was dumped on National Television. He's either a homicidal maniac or an attention starved whore.
Next week: I'll tell you why Deanna, last season's Bachelorette, is the worst human being to ever walk on God's Earth. That's why I hate everything about this show.
----
I spell-checked this blog and my computer doesn't recognize the word 'skank'. My computer is so naive to the real world.
When we last left our hero, Jason Mesnick, he had his field of 25 ladies narrowed down to 3. And the best soft-core pornography was still in store.
If you don't watch 'The Bachelor', I'll get you up to speed on the show:
- One man sends ABC a video of himself, showing his abs, and asks the network to make him the next 'Bachelor' contestant.
- ABC chooses 25 women, 7 of them completely insane, and sends them to California or Rome to battle with each other for the right to pretend like they're in love with a total stranger.
- 'The Bachelor' makes out with said skanks while telling the camera that he's just looking for a Mom for his infant son that he's abandoned during the taping of the season.
- The final contestant agrees to marry 'The Bachelor' and they date for 6 months until a domestic abuse charge tears the relationship apart.
Now that you're almost caught up, here's what you missed Monday:
Each of the three girls travel to New Zealand to spend one day with Jason. The initial arrangement calls for the girls to sleep in a separate suite. ABC then puts the girls on the spot by having them open an envelope and reading, on national television, an invitation to sleep in the same room with 'The Bachelor'. 'The Bachelor' then has sex with them, we can only assume. The next day, he dumps one of them.
Monday's show was awesome. Jason kept talking about how he wanted each girl to let their guard down and tell him how they really felt. This led to incredibly awkward scenes of the finalists trying to ramble through their fake heart-felt speeches, followed by Jason saying absolutely nothing.
To paraphrase:
- Attention Seeking Tramp- "...I know I keep my guard up and it's hard when you're competing with these other girls, but I am generating feelings. I do think we have a connection and.....I'm falling for you."
- Jason- "....okay. Thanks."
If you're keeping score at home, Mellissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and Molly are the two remaining girls.Jillian from Canada was just sent home after having sex with Jason. Apparently, that didn't go well. I liked Jillian. I was rooting for her to win. Of course, I have never had sex with her.
My wife asks me why I'm so hard on the contestants and 'The Bachelor' himself. He does not, admittedly, seem like a bad guy.
Here's my response:
I believe that a person could think the idea of going on a T.V. show and meeting a mate is a good idea. I do not believe that dating someone six times with several other attractive men/women also dating that person, while not able to communicate in a regular fashion because the entire interaction is being taped by a cameraman three feet away and then broadcast to millions of people on television, is a good way to find a mate.
Jason went through this process once as a contestant, and then decided it would be a good idea to put 25 women through the same torture he endured when he was dumped on National Television. He's either a homicidal maniac or an attention starved whore.
Next week: I'll tell you why Deanna, last season's Bachelorette, is the worst human being to ever walk on God's Earth. That's why I hate everything about this show.
----
I spell-checked this blog and my computer doesn't recognize the word 'skank'. My computer is so naive to the real world.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Failing the Test
Have you ever wondered how you would perform if pushed?
As man grown man, I often wondered how I would fare if someone came at me in a dark parking lot. Would I panic and throw my wallet at my assailant or show some moxie and put up the dukes? If a crazed German Sheppard came charging out at me in the street, would I run for the nearest car or feed it my left arm and go for the eyes with my right?
Last night, I was set to watch American Idol while recording Canadiens/ Bruins on Versus at the same time. It turns out my wife was also recording the Biggest Loser, so one of the shows had to be missed and I didn't even offer up a whimper.
Basically, I watched two hours of horrible reality television while taping an inevitable two different hours of horrible reality television. I did get even though. After she fell asleep while cuddling on the couch, I lifted the remote control and dropped it on her head. When she woke up, startled, I pretended like it was an accident.
It's all about sacrifices.
If you missed episode 1 of Idol from Arizona I have the highlights:
- They kept showing footage of cacti and sunshine from Phoenix. Sure, citizens of that fine city are happy being warm and comfortable, but they probably get sick of all of that sun. Can you imagine not owning a jacket? I don't even remember what it's like to open my front door and not have my testicles retreat into my body because of sub-zero temperatures. I spent hours blow-drying plastic over my windows this winter so I can stand in my kitchen without getting frostbite. I'd like to thank my ancestors for choosing to settle in an uninhabitable city. They couldn't walk a few hundred miles south?
- The new judge, Kara, is hot but I don't like her very much at all....so I'm guessing she's perfect for the show.
- People always have gimmicks and costumes to make sure they get in front of the camera and to improve their chances of going to Hollywood. There was a plastic chic who auditioned in a bikini and advanced to Hollywood despite a lack of talent. I doubt that she'll go through her entire life and ever face any real adversity. I hope she gets a skin rash and then accidentally falls into a bear trap and dies four days later when nobody hears her cries for help.
- I always feel stupid when one of the contestants starts singing and I think that they sound good, but then the judges rip them apart. I don't have room for this sort of anxiety in my life.
- They rolled out a very nice, blind piano player for the final contestant of the night. No way this dude doesn't make it to the Final Four this season. Who's not voting for the blind guy? "Hi. My name's Ron. I've got a fresh sound. I live out of my van and have dedicated my life to sharing my music with the world." Well, sorry Ron. This guy's blind. I'm voting for him.
- Take a moment to seek out some of the joke contestants from the first night on the web. I usually hate that part of the show, but I was laughing out loud at some of the rejects Tuesday night. The dude with the really deep voice is my new hero.
- Real musicians write their own music and work their entire lives to perfect their craft, not their image. Just a reminder.
As man grown man, I often wondered how I would fare if someone came at me in a dark parking lot. Would I panic and throw my wallet at my assailant or show some moxie and put up the dukes? If a crazed German Sheppard came charging out at me in the street, would I run for the nearest car or feed it my left arm and go for the eyes with my right?
Last night, I was set to watch American Idol while recording Canadiens/ Bruins on Versus at the same time. It turns out my wife was also recording the Biggest Loser, so one of the shows had to be missed and I didn't even offer up a whimper.
Basically, I watched two hours of horrible reality television while taping an inevitable two different hours of horrible reality television. I did get even though. After she fell asleep while cuddling on the couch, I lifted the remote control and dropped it on her head. When she woke up, startled, I pretended like it was an accident.
It's all about sacrifices.
If you missed episode 1 of Idol from Arizona I have the highlights:
- They kept showing footage of cacti and sunshine from Phoenix. Sure, citizens of that fine city are happy being warm and comfortable, but they probably get sick of all of that sun. Can you imagine not owning a jacket? I don't even remember what it's like to open my front door and not have my testicles retreat into my body because of sub-zero temperatures. I spent hours blow-drying plastic over my windows this winter so I can stand in my kitchen without getting frostbite. I'd like to thank my ancestors for choosing to settle in an uninhabitable city. They couldn't walk a few hundred miles south?
- The new judge, Kara, is hot but I don't like her very much at all....so I'm guessing she's perfect for the show.
- People always have gimmicks and costumes to make sure they get in front of the camera and to improve their chances of going to Hollywood. There was a plastic chic who auditioned in a bikini and advanced to Hollywood despite a lack of talent. I doubt that she'll go through her entire life and ever face any real adversity. I hope she gets a skin rash and then accidentally falls into a bear trap and dies four days later when nobody hears her cries for help.
- I always feel stupid when one of the contestants starts singing and I think that they sound good, but then the judges rip them apart. I don't have room for this sort of anxiety in my life.
- They rolled out a very nice, blind piano player for the final contestant of the night. No way this dude doesn't make it to the Final Four this season. Who's not voting for the blind guy? "Hi. My name's Ron. I've got a fresh sound. I live out of my van and have dedicated my life to sharing my music with the world." Well, sorry Ron. This guy's blind. I'm voting for him.
- Take a moment to seek out some of the joke contestants from the first night on the web. I usually hate that part of the show, but I was laughing out loud at some of the rejects Tuesday night. The dude with the really deep voice is my new hero.
- Real musicians write their own music and work their entire lives to perfect their craft, not their image. Just a reminder.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Ugliest Bachelor Season Ever
I can't repost pictures from the wgr550 website, so here's a link to my latest blog.
http://:wgr550.com/Ugliest-Bachelor-Season-Ever/3609876
Hope you enjoy. Sorry about the link.
http://:wgr550.com/Ugliest-Bachelor-Season-Ever/3609876
Hope you enjoy. Sorry about the link.
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