bauch's blog

Bachelor Recap- Super Bowl Eating Disorders

2012-02-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

If there are farmers in America in need of water for their crops, they should send guys with buckets to the set of the Bachelor. There’s lots of crying tonight. The promos are calling for a 100% chance of stormy eyes and temperatures in the 1,000’s!

I know we all have fun with the levels of drama reached on America’s favorite dating game, but tonight’s Bachelor was 'off the charts' dramatic. On a scale of 1-to-10, I would rate it as a ‘10’, the highest possible score in the allotted, predetermined parameter.

Ben and his women travel to Panama City, Panama. (I would have guessed that Panama City was in Missouri, like Kansas City)There is no better place to fall in love than Panama, aside from all of the other better places to fall in love.

“I can’t get over how beautiful it is. It’s insane.” It’s not insane, Ben but it is quite beautiful. It’s also in Central America where I’m pretty sure everyone gets kidnapped. The location is mentioned several times in the first 2 minutes of the show, but no one says Panama. They all say, “Panama City, Panama”. No short cuts are taken on the Bachelor.

“I have nine women coming to meet me in Panama City, Panama and I feel excited about that.” Ben says. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

This week, there is one 1-on-1 date, a group date and a 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped at dinner.

We begin with the 1-on-1. It goes to Kacie B. She is told to pack just 3 items needed for survival. Ben picks her up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! They are flown over Panama and to a deserted island. The music switches from happy helicopter music to God-fearing deserted island music. I get the chills. The helicopter leaves them for dead with only 4 cameramen, 3 light operators, a couple of sound guys, the food spread provided for the production team and the 3 items each lover packed. (Drama-meter=green)

Kacie B. brings out her 3 items; Monkey man (?), a wine opener and a bag of candy. Ben has a fishing net, matches and a machete. They hunt for coconuts while explaining the parallels of coconut hunting and relationships.

Kacie B. channels her inner Romance Novel author self, “Watching Ben crack into a coconut... it’s so hot.”

They take the net and go fishing. They catch a fish. The fish was not moving before they scoop it in the net and does not move at all while in the process of being scooped out of the ocean in into a net. I’m convinced they just scooped up a fish that some poor Bachelor intern had to pre-catch and kill and then place back into the ocean in front of them.

They cook the fish on a fire. It’s a good thing they got something in their stomachs because the 11 minutes they were stranded out in the middle of nowhere was almost enough time for them to starve to death.

Back in Panama City, Panama, Ben and Kacie B. sit down for a serious conversation and eat food that didn’t need to be caught after an intern caught and killed it. She drops a bomb on Ben. She confesses to having an eating disorder when she was in High School. (Drama-meter= yellow)

Her parents caught her throwing up her food at a Super Bowl party. They did not say which Super Bowl. She’s 26, so I’m guessing it was the Ravens/ Giants Super Bowl and who didn’t throw up watching that one?

They don’t show her touching her dinner, so I’m guessing that she still hasn’t buried those demons.

Anyway, Ben gives her a rose for recounting how she used to throw up and then they make out in the streets of Panama City, Panama.

The next day, Ben takes 6 girls for a boat ride in the rain forest.

A brunette whose name I can’t remember talks about how sexy Ben is because he rides a boat that ABC provided.

They wade out into a river and paddle by some kids playing soccer. The girls pretend like it’s some magical discovery of a Panama village and not a scripted Reality show plot line.

The natives bring the girls into huts to dress them into different clothes. Courtney, the paid actress takes off her top and shows her blacked out boobs for a half-hour.

(drama-meter=orange)

Ben comes out in native garb. He’s wearing a loin cloth. Horse girl asks for a drum roll and gets no drum roll.

Then, a guy who doesn’t speak English gives everyone paint. Courtney paints Ben. All of the other girls get mad at her. Then, she plays soccer while her clothes fall off.

After some pointless Courtney babbling, the group puts their real clothes on to get drunk at a hotel. Their champagne glasses are all full. Horse girl pulls him aside 3 seconds into the party and her glass is almost empty. She seems really drunk.

Horse girl tells Ben that she cries for him. Ben likes horse girl. They make out.

Ben pulls Courtney aside, as instructed in his contract. He tells her to keep being naked and not to let the other girls harass her. Courtney gives Ben her hotel room so they can have sex later.

Nurse girl Jamie finally speaks. She’s way behind in the race and hasn’t even kissed Ben yet. She asks the other girls if Ben is a good kisser, because that’s the conversation a normal person would have with the other women that their boyfriend is dating. She pulls Ben aside to prove that she does like him. She tries to build up the nerve to force a kiss on him but Courtney shows up in a bathing suit and ruins it. I’m sorry if you don’t watch the show and this is confusing but I can’t make much more sense of all this. This is what happens on the Bachelor.

Emily makes America LOL with a funny prank and then makes out with Ben. Then, Emily openly apologizes to Courtney for their previous feud. It’s a classy move.

Because Courtney is paid to be evil, she dumps all over the apology.

(drama-meter=orangish/red)

Ben pulls horse girl aside to give her the date rose. Horse girl is safe, but it’s bittersweet because she’s not going to be able to do that pleading head-tilt thing at the Rose Ceremony. They call it a night.

Courtney goes up to her room with 3 cameramen and a boom mic guy to wait for Ben to come up and sleep with her. We get lots of footage of her sitting in a chair and looking at her watch. Ben never shows up. Courtney cries.

(drama-meter=dips back down to orange)

It’s already whatever day of the week the next day is and that means the super awkward 2-on-1 date.VIP cocktail waitress Blakely and Rachel have the 2-on-1 date where one of them will get dumped at dinner. Rachel is nervous. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely acts tough to intimidate Rachel and it works.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely would be this season’s villain if ABC didn’t already pay one to be on the show.

Ben takes his two girlfriends Latin dancing. They head to a Latin Lounge. I’m assuming he already knew which girl he wanted to dump, but he tells the camera that it’s a close race.

A Latin Dance instructor tells them they have to change into Latin Salsa clothes.

Blakely says “Shut the front door!” That’s how you swear without swearing… in case you ever want to swear… but your parents are in the room.

The girls put on Salsa dresses. Ben puts on a Salsa shirt. I own a Salsa shirt. It was a regular shirt until I spilled Salsa on it.

There’s a lot of dancing. I zone out for a bit. No one has been dumped yet.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is a good dancer. I notice. I think my wife notices. Ben notices. Ben and VIP cocktail waitress have clothes-on ab rubbing right in front of Rachel and it’s no fun. No one has been dumped yet.

After a lot of awkward dancing, they sit down for an awkward dinner where one girl will get dumped before finishing her meal. Ben pulls Rachel aside to talk. Some police sirens flash on her face from outside while they’re talking. I’m assuming one of the other contestants has just been kidnapped. Rachel tells Ben that she’s serious about him and they make out.

Ben pulls VIP cocktail waitress Blakely aside next to talk. She immediately starts crying and tells Ben that she loves him. There’s a huge musical build up. It’s coming. The ‘L’ word is coming. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely pulls out a scrap book of their life together. It’s stalkery. My naïve computer doesn’t recognize ‘stalkery ‘ as a word. Grow up, computer! That’s a good way to get stalked!

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely tells Ben that she’s falling for him hard. They make out after she gives him the book. Then, Ben brings her back into the other room to dump her.

He does. He makes out with her, brings her into the other room, sits her down with Rachel and dumps her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely storms out of the room and Ben chases her down to thank her for opening up to him right before he rips her heart out.

(drama-meter=orangish/red again)

ABC shows us a cat in the street. Then, Ben says goodbye. I’m glad I no longer have to type out VIP cocktail waitress Blakely.

Let the hoochies of America and Panama City, Panama be on notice… Ben likes the nice girls.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up to drop bombs. He pulls Casey S. aside for a private talk. We’ve seen all night that Casey S. is about to cry a lot. It’s an amazing display of grief. Vegas money is on a death in the family. We find out that Casey S. is actually just in love with someone else.

(drama-meter=red!)

She has a boyfriend named Michael. Chris Harrison talked to Michael and they’re still in a relationship. Harrison is trading in his roses for a Dateline reporter’s mic. He’s hitting hard with the Casey S. interrogation. Channel 2 redcoats can only nod approval.

Casey S. admits that she’s still in love with her boyfriend. She says that it’s just come to her attention last night… in Panama City, Panama. It’s just come to her attention that she loves her boyfriend.

(drama-meter=burning red!!!)

They wander through the building to find Ben to break the 'boyfriend' news. They stand in front of a camera to knock on the door. Ben answers the door, surprised. ABC then cuts to the camera in Ben’s room which was positioned to capture Ben’s reaction to being surprised by the 'boyfriend' news.

Casey S’s explanation of whether or not she’s still in love with her boyfriend is confusing and takes years off of my life. Ben yells at her. She apologizes and cries. She cries because her boyfriend doesn’t want to marry her and she wants to be with someone nice like Ben. Ben sends her home. There’s still a half-hour left in the show so there’s plenty of time for Casey S. to cry. There are oceans of snot on her face. \

Casey S. was sent home for coming onto the show while being in love. I think that’s unfair. I got married while I was still in love with Melissa Gilbert. My wife knows. We got over it.

Ben goes out on a balcony with a camera to be deep in thought. Casey S. cries in a minivan. It’s an important lesson. If you’re going to get dumped, get dumped at the cocktail party. You get to cry in a limo.

The cocktail party is next. Only one more girl goes home. The only ones without a rose are Courtney, Jaime the nurse, Emily and some other brunette whose name I can’t remember.

Nurse Jaime tells the camera that she wants to jump all over Ben to get noticed. Then, she pulls Ben aside and tells him she wants to do… stuff. Then, she jumps on him and it’s kind of…weird. Then she makes out… with him… but… she’s really nervous so she’s talking… a lot… and I wish they’d cut to more footage of Casey S. crying.

It’s the most demeaning thing I’ve ever seen. I hope very much that she doesn’t watch this episode back. I get heartburn watching this. They talk about kissing some more. Then they kiss… and she keeps talking. I need to be set on fire to distract myself from how awful this is. I wish wolves would bust into my house and attack me. It’s so bad. It makes the phone scene in ‘Swingers’ seem like a picnic. At least we know who is going home.

In nurse Jamie’s defense, she’s trying to act natural while kissing a guy, who is dating 7 other women, in front of camera broadcasting her personal life to millions of people. I’d think twice about a girl who wasn’t nervous doing that.

The anticlimactic Rose Ceremony is next. Ben gives a speech on trust. I’m not listening. I’m thinking about nurse girl Jamie and her talking/kissing session. I need a 211 degree shower to bathe myself of the humiliation she just experienced. It seeped through the television and into my pores.

So, Ben sends Jamie home and it’s good because I’d rather watch Super Bowl 27 than that scene of her talking.

Jamie heads to the limo to cry. I honestly feel bad.

Ben drinks alcohol with the rest of the girls and announces that they’re heading to the North Pole next week. They all scream with excitement.

During the credits, Emily raps to dinner Jazz beats.

You know what’s worse than white girls rapping?

Nothing.

Nothing is worse than white girls rapping.

Bachelor Recap- Dumping a Girl and Pushing Her Off on an Inner Tube

2012-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

“Game over ladies… or Game on.”

Indeed.

We’re neck deep in a typical season of a bad show. Quotes like that gem are all over the place on the Bachelor and I’m finding it hard to keep up with the fun. Ben has narrowed down his search for love to a dozen or so women. It’s anyone’s game at this point, except society’s. For society, it’s game over or game on. I should probably start this recap.

This week, there will be skinny dipping and what else could possibly matter? I mean, seriously! Skinny dipping! And screw English for ‘I mean, seriously!’ not being a real sentence. None of these are.

Everyone gets a date this week. There will be two 1-on-1’s and a group date.“This week’s really important because I’m halfway through my journey of finding my future wife.”

Ben and his harem head to Puerto Rico, which is Spanish for ‘Door Rich’.

Chris Harrison huddles the girls up for a pep talk. He goes over the rules for the show we’ve all seen four hundred times. The man is useless. I wonder which girl didn’t know roses were handed out or that they should use their time with Ben wisely. Chris tells the girls that Ben has some amazing stuff lined up because Ben is the one who pays for and plans everything.

ABC is laying it on thick with the Courtney angle. More girls are talking about Courtney than Ben. At this point, Courtney is not only a shoe-in for ‘Bachelor Pad’ and a future ‘Bachelorette’, she’s headed for her own Good Morning America segment where she teaches people how to act awful.

Nicki gets the first 1-on-1 date. They get ON A HELICOpter!!! I know, even I’m getting numb to the helicopter thing. Only three exclamation points.

Ben says, “Nicki was married before and is now divorced. That was pretty serious to her”.

They land so Ben can speak Spanish and buy dirty ice in a cup. Then, it starts pouring. It’s seriously raining. I was getting nervous. I’ve never seen so much rain. I’m like, “Their date is ruined”. But, wait! Nicki has it all in perspective. She doesn’t let rain ruin her fake love for Ben. She even says it. She says, “Nothing can rain on this parade”. Said parade involved the two walking around and carrying their shoes so they can talk about how it’s fun even though it’s raining. Parades kind of suck.

They buy clothes for each other. I don’t even have a hockey game to turn to.

Nicki says, “Ben is muy, muy, muy, MUY, caliente.” I don’t speak Spanish. I think it means, “I want my baby back baby back baby back… ribs.” And, yes, the 4th ‘muy’ was capitalized.

They walk by a romantic wedding and then sit on a bench in their Puerto Rican clothes to watch the wedding. ABC doesn’t blur out the faces of the family from the wedding. I think that means Bachelor interns had to run around and get them all sign waivers so they could legally show them on T.V.
Seeing a wedding makes Nicki think that Ben would be a good guy to marry. I just really wish this show wasn’t a thing that existed.

ABC runs a promo before the commercial with the Bachelor phone # that basically says, “Hey America! Want to marry that Emily girl? Call this number!”

We’re back from break and Ben and Nicki are talking about her divorce. There are a lot of words. Ben wants to make sure Nicki isn’t damaged goods. Nicki seems nice. I don’t hate her yet. If you’re new to my recaps, that’s the nicest thing I could possibly say about a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant.

Back at the hotel room, the rest of the girls are complaining. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is upset that she’s not going on a 4th 1-on-1 date. That’s super selfish. She’s selfish. She’s still sad, though… selfish or not. Blakely is not afraid to ‘Super’pretend like she’s in love.

We’re jumping back to the beach for Ben and Nicki talking. Keep up! Ben talks about how much Nicki has opened up as they talked about rain, clothes and divorce. She gets a rose. Then, they make out.

The next day, Ben takes a bunch of the girls to play baseball in Puerto Rico. Ben says that baseball is huge in Puerto Rico. They play at Roberto Clemente stadium. Sports quota filled. The girls even take a bus to the game. It’s super baseball authentic. They’re playing baseball.

Some coaches of the local Gigantes teach them how to run, hit and catch with their chests showing. Just as it’s getting really good, Chris Harrison shows up with a Bull Horn to ruin the fun. He drops a bomb. They’re gonna split the girls up into 2 teams to play a game of baseball. The winning team gets to go to a Beach Party with Ben. The losing team goes back to their hotel room to complain about Courtney. One girl is chosen by Ben to play for both teams… which means she automatically gets to win and go to the party. He chooses Horse Girl. Are you even following this? I’m not. I’m not feeling well. Who the hell are the Gigantes?

The baseball game is 2 innings of intensity. It’s Blue vs. Red. It’s almost as heated a rivalry as Team Chara V. Team Alfredsson. As Casey S. says, “It’s crazy competitive”. Casey S. says the word ‘crazy’ too much. She should use the word ‘super’ like I do. It’s super better.

I know 4-on-4 baseball with mostly attractive women in very little clothes sounds fun. It’s not. Just throw the fundamentals out the window. Fundamentals are not used. Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff are probably sitting on a couch wearing Mesh baseball caps and just shaking their heads in disgust. I will say that Casey B. looks good with eye black. I’m into the eye black thing. I’m not sure what that means about me.

Ben is in full Gigante uniform and he handles the pitching. If you’re Ben, you have to hit one of these women with a pitch to force them to charge the mound so you can make out with them. He does not. What. An. Idiot.

So 2 innings is not enough baseball. It’s tied and they go to extra innings. We already know Courtney’s team wins because we’ve seen the promo tease of her skinny dipping 12 times at this point. It kind of takes the drama out of it, which is ironic because Courtney was hired by the producers to add drama.

I notice that a P.A. announcer is used to let the audience of zero know who is coming to bat. It sullies the profession.Courtney’s team wins 10-9. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is super sad about losing. She cries because she wants more time with Ben. Then, the three other girls on her team cry so it’s 4 girls sitting in a dugout, crying and now I’m crying and everyone is crying.

Courtney tells the camera to tell the girls on the losing team to stop crying.Ben takes the winning team to a Beach to drink and make out. There has still been zero skinny dipping. I’m getting impatient.

With a need for content, ABC is sure to show us more of the losing team. Now, they’re crying on a bus ride home. I’m torn because they’re pathetic… but they’re all wearing eye black and now I’m super into eye black and wondering how I’m going to convince my wife to wear eye black. I’m going to have to get creative and trick her into wearing it. “Honey, it is super sunny out. Put this on”. Or “Hey Angel, this stuff I’m rubbing into your eyes is a Soy/Kelp mixture that you eat through your face”. I’ll have to work on it.

We’re back to the Beach party. Keep up! Ben is basically just sitting on benches and talking to girls. He’s not even really making out. It’s boring. It’s the worst Beach Party I’ve ever seen. The invitation to this Beach Party must be littered with Grave Stones. The girls do mention how much fun they’re having.

Ben gives Kasey B. the rose as Producers play the Kasey B. soft music-soundtrack. Then, they make out. Finally!

Courtney tells the camera that Kasey B. is only 24 and doesn’t deserve a rose, which makes sense. She spends 5 minutes saying mean things. Courtney is turning it up a notch. If she were a food processor she would be switched from ‘apples and peaches’ to ‘potatoes’. But Courtney is not a food processor. Courtney is a paid actress, paid to be evil and stir up drama and make women cry. Keep up!

Courtney takes Ben away to walk on the beach. They stop to kiss and ABC has to blur out her sideboob. I think we’re about to get skinny dipping. We’re close. I can almost smell the skinny.We go to commercial with the tease of skinny dipping but no skinny dipping. This show is just the worst.

It’s the next day and Elise has 1-on-1. The date card says they’re going somewhere private dot dot dot. Ashley H. should be expecting a royalty check. I don’t remember seeing Elise to this point in the season. She’s crying about finding love before her date with Ben even starts. That’s a good psychological place to be in before heading out with a guy you’ve known for 4 minutes.

Elise and Ben get to go on a yacht. Ben says that the last time he was on a boat, he fell in love with Ashley H. That seems like the kind of thing that would traumatize a guy to never wanting to go on a boat again like the Truman show.

Elise tells Ben how much she gave up in order to go on her quest for love. She left her job as a personal trainer and missed her friend’s wedding. Ben waits until she’s done talking and suggests they jump off of the side of the boat. Luckily, ABC has underwater cameras so we can see their abs. They get back on the boat and jump off again. Then, they go to commercial. This is not a very good episode.

Elise and Ben eat on T.V. when we get back. There are candles everywhere. This show is single handedly keeping candle makers in business. Elise tells Ben that she’s accomplished everything she needed to accomplish as a single girl. I’m guessing that means that she either lost a tooth drinking or she acquired a venereal disease. Look, I don’t know. They’re talking about their lives and I’m just trying not to listen. Ben isn’t really into Elise. You can tell. Plus, the music gets somber and lets you know that he’s about to dump her. He grabs the rose and they’re both unhappy and then, he dumps her. He’s not into her. She should have left her eye black on. Maybe he didn’t like the way she jumps off of yachts. They do not skinny dip. This is the most disastrous episode in Bachelor history. They even torture us with the footage of Ben walking Elise to her limo while she cries and asks what she did wrong.

I think, when I’m dumped by my wife, I’m not going to ask what I did wrong. The question answers itself.

I was wrong about the limo. They don’t shove Elise into a limo. They stick her on a 2-foot inner tube with a motor. That’s the best they could do, a motorized inner tube. She’s just puttering into the moonlight and bawling her eyes out on an inner tube. Then, they play half of a sad song with drawn out shots of Elise crying on her inner tube. It’s endless pain. They have no content. I hate this show.

During the commercial, I ask my wife what she thinks of eye black. She doesn’t answer.

Back at the hotel, the girls yell “Shut Up!” when the guys come to take away Elise’s bags because she got dumped. Courtney earns her money by saying awful things about Elise to the girls. They act shocked. These girls must sign some sort of blood contract, promising they won’t punch anyone while on the show because, in the real world, Courtney would have a constant flow of blood exiting her nose.

Courtney breaks rules by sneaking out to meet Ben on his way home. She brings alcohol and a couple of camera men to entice him to skinny dip and have sex. I’m so sick of being teased by the skinny dipping that I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t even care.

Courtney comes across as mighty desperate while telling Ben that they can have sex in the ocean. I would feel bad if she wasn’t acting. They take off their clothes and run into whatever ocean Puerto Rico is near.

Courtney says, “Game Over, ladies or Game on”. She needs better writers. She talks in poorly constructed clichés. It’s like reading off Ratt lyrics.

During the commercial, we see an ad for Disney’s ‘Treasure Buddies’. I start to hyperventilate and need to breathe into a paper bag.

The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is next. Ben and Jennifer take some time to be alone. They talk about how good it is to talk to each other and then they make out. VIP waitress Blakely is next for some time alone. She tells Ben that she didn’t think she would ever meet a guy like Ben. She stops short of saying she loves Ben, but it is close. Blakely is pulling out all stops. They make out and good for her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely earned that make out session.

A couple of other girls pull Ben aside to make out. Courtney stirs crap up by bringing up the subject of skinny dipping. They start to talk about how cool skinny dipping is and she says that she would like to skinny dip in Puerto Rico with Ben and it’s pathetic.

Emily gets Ben alone and apologizes for complaining about Courtney. She then complains about Courtney. She’s gone. Emily admits she screwed up and cries to the camera and there is just snot everywhere. I’m so much more a fan of eye black than snot. ABC has an endless supply of candles and helicopters but no tissue.

Did Twisted Sister really sell the rights to “I want to rock” for Wife Swap promos that scream “I want to Swap”? Is that Twisted Sister singing “I want to Swap”? Is nothing sacred? Did I just ask about the sanctity of a Twisted Sister song? Is there a point to this endless stream of questions?

The Rose Ceremony is next. We find out how much more Emily is going to cry and snot before being sent home. Someone might pass out. Horse girl really has the ‘pick me’ head tilt thing down to a science. She gets the first rose. How could you not ‘rose’ that girl with a head title like that? My computer doesn’t think ‘rose’ is a verb. How many of these have I written? What happened to Artificial Intelligence? Who are the Gigantes?

We’re down to the last rose and HOLY CRAP EMILY GOT A ROSE! The red head chick that has already made out with Ben a hundred times is sent home. She takes it really well. She does not ask Ben what she did wrong. That’s what she did right. She does cry and snot plenty in that limo. There are crying jags. I hit the info button and see that there are still 5 minutes left in the show. With 2 minutes to preview next week, I know I’m in for a solid 3 minutes of red head crying. It’s bad. She makes a squeak sound while pouring her heart out. It sounds like someone is trying to suffocate a mouse. I look to everything else in my living room but the T.V.

Next week, Ben takes his girls to Panama City, home of malaria. We’re shown that there will be a butt-ton of crying next week. Someone close to someone dies. That much is clear. I bring up the eye black thing with my wife again and she changes the subject and asks what the hell ever happened to nurse girl. We rewind the rose ceremony and see her there. She gets a rose. She’s still here but she didn’t say a word the entire episode. I haven’t heard her speak since week 1. During the credits, Ben and Elise take a bath in chocolate.

With the show over and 15 minutes remaining, they show the end of a Gigantes game. Its starts to rain but they keep playing. Nothing can rain on this parade.

Bachelor Recap- I Almost Just Want to Rip Her Head Off and Verbally Assault Her

2012-01-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

Things are getting serious on everyone’s favorite television show. Ben has just over a dozen girlfriends remaining and he has to marry one. It’s anyone’s game at this point. The favorites in the Bauch house are Kacie B., the horse girl, that blonde with the thing and the nurse who I thought they kicked off but it just turns out that she kind of looked like a girl they kicked off.

With all of Ben’s hometowns in the rearview mirror, the fun bunch sets sail for Park City, Utah. Kacie B. says it best, “It’s the perfect place to fall in love.” My idiot wife and I got it all wrong. We were nowhere near Park City Utah. We were on the dance floor at the Well on Hertel.

Ben thinks about his relationships IN A HELICOPTER! The girls jump on a stupid plane and act excited to be going to Utah. Ben promises the dates to be “outdoorsy and awesome”. Vocabulary update: My computer has no problems with ‘outdoorsy’. It got behind the velvet rope and into the English language party. It’s a word. Go ahead and use ‘outdoorsy’ in your Words with Friends games.

Rachel gets the first 1-on-1 date. My wife says, “She sounds like a man”. I have Rachel down as one of the more attractive contestants. I like that ‘Kodiak’ voice. Kacie B. has fallen in love pretty fast. She’s crying about not getting a 1-on-1 date and is so upset that she has to stop the interview to lean off camera. It’s super emotional.

Rachel and Ben leave IN THE HELICOPTER AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL, “THEY’RE IN A HELICOPTER”, AND I’M ALL, “OF COURSE THEY’RE IN A HELICOPTER THIS IS THE BACHELOR” AND THEN, ALL TOGETHER, WE’RE ALL LIKE SCREAM!!!!!!!111!!!
Utah looks pretty beautiful. There are a ton of trees. It should have gone higher in the WGR 550 State Draft. To get to know each other more, the couple heads out on a canoe. The 40 trillion bugs flying around them makes for a quaint romantic setting. They make out in the middle of the lake and I’m quite certain there are bugs mating in their larynxes. I wasn’t sure of the plural form of larynx, but my computer did, so we’re covered there. Rachel and Ben talk a lot about how well the date was going and how romantic it is and how nice things are in Utah.

It’s boring. Ben isn’t feeling Rachel. She’s blowing it. She just can’t seem to open up with a guy holding a camera floating along next to her canoe, broadcasting the intimate moments of her personal date with a boyfriend she’s known for 2 days and is sharing with 15 other women. Some women are so closed down its ridiculous.

They keep showing the moon.

Ben and Rachel eat food on T.V. to spice things up. They’re eating, but you never really see much food being consumed. I couldn’t be the Bachelor. I eat like an engineer shoveling coal into a train engine. Ben is begging Rachel to talk more. She tells him that she has a problem talking. It’s a relationship breakthrough. ABC changes the music to let us know that we’re supposed to like Rachel now. Ben gives her a rose. They’re friends now, but they’ll be rubbing abs in a hot tub soon. I can tell these things.

With the rose out of the way, they go out by the fire to eat S’mores and make out, no doubt smearing marshmallow all over each other’s faces.
Back at the hotel the rest of the girls are getting ready for the group date. Courtney, the paid actress, paid to be on the show to stir things up, is already talking up how nasty she’s going to be to the other girls. The other girls are getting mad. It’s dramatic. The kids head out with Ben to go fishing. I keep my fingers crossed, hoping that ABC will make them clean and gut the fish, but I’m sure they’ll have interns to do all of the messy work.

Ben picks them up on a horse and he’s super dreamy. They make him ride the horse across a river. Horse girl makes a noise. Ben says their date is going to be “rad”. I haven’t heard that word in a couple of decades. One of the contestants smartly points out, “Watch out for poo.” I wish someone told me that before I started watching this show.

ABC provides the girls with waders and rods for some fly fishin’. I left off the ‘g’ on purpose. The girls don’t look like they’re trying too hard. Everyone has dropped their fishing poles and they’re holding beer mugs. They’re supposed to be catching their lunch and there’s a chance that they might all starve to death in Utah.

Courtney, the paid actress, takes Ben to be alone and napalm the group date. She catches a fish and Ben holds it up to her face and she kisses it. I can’t believe this passes for contest on a Network television show. It’s brutal. This show is punishment for the time I pushed Tony Wagner off of his bike to impress my brothers.

Then, they all take off the waders and get dolled up to drink by a pool… ‘cause that’s what you do after fishing. Elyse tells Ben that she has a good time because her boss died young. Then, they make out.

Samantha complains to Ben that she doesn’t like group dates. Ben, very frankly, tells her that she’s being punished with group dates and that he doesn’t really like her. He dumps her, mid-cocktail party. I’ve seen a lot of the Bachelor. That’s a first…or a twelth. I don’t know. Who cares? Samantha is drunk and she got dumped. It happens. It doesn’t stop her from crying like she’s at a Dick Vermeil press conference. (Sports quota filled)

After shoving Samantha into a limo, Ben goes back to the rest of the girls and warns them that he’s not messing around. You will be dumped if you complain to me. I like this zero-tolerance attitude.

Ben takes Kacie B. to a hotel room because, why not? They make out on a couch.

Then, they have this exchange:

“I like this.”

“I definitely like this.”

“This is nice.”

“This is perfect.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling good about this.”

“It’s nice.”

No wonder he was mad at Rachel for not opening up.

Courtney, the paid actress, pulls Ben aside to make out and complain about the other girls bringing her down even though she’s purposely acting awful toward them to agitate and instigate. Ben makes it up to her by giving her a rose. This makes all of the other girls super happy. Courtney is evil, but it’s annoying because she’s not a very good actress. She’s very obvious. I get angry at the other girls for falling for her act. I shout at them, “Don’t fall for it! She’s not even interested in Ben! She’s just furthering her career so her agent can get her into more Commercials for Yogurt and Herpes Prescription Medications… and maybe a direct-to-air Lifetime Movie Network movie about a woman who rises above an oppressive male or seductive evil temptress out to destroy her life and marriage… in which case Courtney would play the seductive evil temptress!” and my wife is all, “Stop yelling at the T.V., I can’t hear Kacie B. being mad!”

Jennifer gets the next 1-on-1 date. Courtney says, “I predict, I don’t know if Jennifer will get a rose tonight.” That’s not a prediction, Courtney. Stick to unconvincing acting.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) go hiking and then trespass into Private Property to repel themselves down into a crater. Stop re-reading sentences. Try to keep up.

Jen says, “I don’t repel a lot into craters in Oklahoma.” She must have read my yearbook quote. Ben and Jen (OMG!) strip out of their clothes to repel into the crater. It all makes sense.

The Bachelor once again shows us that you can’t fall in love with someone until you’ve risked your life with them on the end of a nylon rope. They fall into the crater. There’s water on the bottom of the crater and they make out. Jen admits that she’s falling in love with Ben. I yell at the T.V., “Of course they’re falling in love! They just repelled down a crater!” My wife watches the rest of the Bachelor in the other room. I don’t think it’s going to last. We didn’t fall in love in Utah and we never repel down anything.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) eat on T.V. Jen tells Ben about her past relationships and we get to hear all about it. Then it rains, which would be such a drag but this is the Bachelor and its super romantic. They make out. Ben gives Jen a rose and I yell at the T.V., “Of course she gets a rose, they repelled into a crater!” They make out. Then, they go to a Clay Walker concert happening 30-feet away in an amphitheater. At least ABC grabs 100 bodies to also attend the concert so it’s not just 2 people making out in front of Clay Walker. There is the awkward element of these random girls watching them dance and make out.

The cocktail party/Rose Ceremony is next. Alcohol consumption is tripled. There is a lot of complaining about Courtney. Every season, one of the contestants pulls the Bachelor/Bachelorette aside to tell on the person who acts mean to the rest of the contestants. This year, Emily is the tattle tale. She tells Ben that Courtney is evil. Ben says that he sees Courtney being evil and it’s no big deal.
I read into this that Ben knows Courtney is a plant and basically told Emily to relax and ignore Courtney so she doesn’t sabotage her own chances.

Have fun with that last paragraph. I’m not even going to proof-read it. It is what it is. I hate this show.

Courtney finds out about what Emily says and gets angry. Alert! Quote of the century from Courtney, “I’m a nice person. Don’t *bleep* with me. I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. I seriously want to shave her eyebrows off.”
I love that quote so much. It almost makes up for her poor acting and lack of soul.

The girls are sitting on a couch drinking because that’s what you do when you’re on the Bachelor. Courtney kicks things up a notch by confronting Emily about her back-stabbing. It’s dramatic. I’m prepared to see a fight. Courtney is trying to act awful. Emily is trying not to cry. Luckily Ben breaks up the fight by signaling the start of the Rose Ceremony. Emily thinks she’s going home. That’s what you get for trying to chase away a woman paid to be on the show.

Monica is the only girl to not get a rose because Ben already dumped the drunk girl. They play it out by giving Emily the last rose. We all knew Emily wasn’t going anywhere. ABC has gold with future weeks of Courtney and Emily fighting. I'm hoping it gets physical and ABC shows the shirt grabbing and neck biting in slow motion. If you girls out there want to attract more men, fight with other women. Make sure that they’re actressy models.

Ben announces that they’re going to Puerto Rico and the girls scream and then Courtney says, “I was there two weeks ago”.

Next week, Courtney and Emily fight in Puerto Rico. That’s called a tease. I want you to read my recap next week, so I teased what you’ll be reading about. Did it work? Did I tease you? Are you teased?

Attention Canadian Readers: Bachelor sources have informed me that there is a Canadian version of the Bachelor coming soon. They’re plugging it as such: “So Canadians can find true love too!” I’m so happy for Canada, although I worry about the prospects of producers finding nasty Canadian people. I have yet to meet a Canadian with enough venom to stir up a Cocktail party, maybe if special points are given for leaving empty shoe boxes and bags in the Kohl’s parking lot so they don’t have to claim their purchases at Customs. I’m hoping that Canadian Bachelor can be just as good as Canadian Idol and the Canadian Football League.

During the credits, they show footage of Chris Harrison sneaking onto that Private Property lot at night and throwing old tires into the crater. He’s discovered by Park City authorities and arrested and fined.

Bachelor Recap- On a Scale of 1-to-10, I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up

2012-01-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight, our Bachelor Television audience is carried away to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco. This will be so much better than our trip to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben doesn’t mess around. He does everything in multitude; 25 girlfriends and 2 hometowns. Ben probably has a map of the United States in his bedroom with push pins identifying all of his hometowns.

I’m super anxious tonight because ABC is teasing us about Ben’s ex-girlfriend crashing the show and it’s just not fair. I’m trying not to freak out and just relax and watch the show but, it’s hard.

These poor skanks have climbed the morally-bankrupt ladder to get on this trainwreck of a show and pretend like they’re in love with a man they hardly know. You can’t just throw some new chick into the mix just to stir up the pot. This new chick hasn’t earned her stripes.

I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ve got a Bachelor episode to recap.

Ben has a sister and ABC decides it’s a good idea to put her on camera to start the show. Ben says, “She knows me better than anyone on this planet.” Ben would know. Actually, more accurately, Ben’s sister would know. She knows Ben better than anyone on this planet.

Ben talks to his sister about some of the girls that stand out. When describing the horse girl, he makes a horse hoof ‘clomping’ noise. It’s actually pretty good. I’m impressed.

The hookers settle into their hotel room to wait for the date cards and get busy hating each other. It’s a 12 second clip. I wonder about the hours of footage they leave on the cutting room floor, hours and hours of video of these soulless tramps sitting around and making nasty facial expressions. I’m sure I’ll get to watch it all in hell.

Emily the PhD student gets the first 1-on-1 date. She’s cute. Emily is afraid of heights. She mentions, before her date that she’s afraid of heights and how she hopes they aren’t doing anything high up. I guess she’ll be the one climbing the Bay Bridge. You know those Bachelor Producers, if you have a phobia or dead loved one, they’ll milk that drama dry. I’d like to be a contestant on the Bachelor and tell them how afraid I am of getting free tickets to Pittsburgh Pirate games.

Emily finds out that she has to climb a bridge and she freaks out. “Some people have nightmares about spiders. Some people have nightmares about being murdered. I have nightmares about falling off of very high things.”Ben and Emily begin their ascension up the cables of a 6,000 foot bridge. It’s a great way to get to know someone. My parents have been married for 51 years. I keep telling them that they’ll never make it to 52 if they don’t climb a bridge together. They’re idiots. I’m doomed to be a product of a broken home.

The girls back at the hotel room have a telescope. In an amazing stroke of luck, they point the telescope right on Ben and Emily climbing the bridge. The odds of this happening were probably improved by Bachelor producers planting the telescope there and telling the girls exactly what time to look through it and where to point.

Back on the bridge, Emily freaks out because she’s afraid, so Ben makes out with her. Emily is no longer afraid of heights and draws a metaphor between heights and relationships. It all makes sense now. Love is like a 6,000 (estimated) foot climb up the cables of a bridge. It’s scary and any misstep could lead to a big fall.

If Emily slipped and fell into the Bay, would Ben have been required to give her a ceremonial rose? It would suck to be a girl that gets sent home over a dead girl. Luckily, Emily survived.

Then, they eat food on T.V.

Ben gives Emily a rose. He tells her that she gets the rose because she climbed a bridge and is smart. Then, they make out. Then, ABC brings out the fireworks….fireworks. The fireworks are blown off from a barge on the Bay. I’m assuming there is a guy with a walkie- talkie that watches Ben and Emily make out and then buzzes down to the barge to cue the fireworks.

If Emily blew it and didn’t get a rose, would they just waste the fireworks? I need to know these things.

The group date is next. Ben takes 38 girls snow-skiing. They all drive there in a car commercial. The girls make sure they say the name brand of the car and point out some cool features. I feel dirty. ABC borrows that liquid nitrogen machine from that ice cream place in the mall and freezes a portion of San Francisco. Ben says it was his life-long dream to freeze a portion of San Francisco. I know I make a lot of stuff up, but Ben really says that. Everyone takes off their clothes and they put on skis. I don’t know how one acquires the insight and clairvoyance to pack a bathing suit and hockey socks for a ski trip in downtown San Francisco, but these girls have proven their mettle.

They cap the night off by drinking at some place with a bunch of lanterns. You know the place. Ben is a perfect gentleman and makes out with each and every one of the girls at the party. He doesn’t even wait for them to finish talking. They’ll be mid-sentence and he just dives in for the kill.

Kacie B. seems really drunk. She spells her name K-A-C-I-E. I’m surprised she doesn’t spell ‘B’ wrong.

Grandma girl gets the other 1-on-1 date. After she gets the news, she cries and leaves the show. She says her heart wasn’t in it. I think it’s because she was afraid ABC was going to make her fight a mountain lion and she has a mountain lion phobia.

Grandma girl crashes the group-date cocktail hour to cry and tell Ben that she’s leaving. Ben takes it well by not reacting at all. The whole thing is fishy. Grandma girl leaves. Ben’s ex-girlfriend is coming back.

It’s a bit too convenient. Did ABC scramble to fill the Grandma girl void, or was Grandma girl a plant all along to set up the ex-girlfriend plot? As the cop with the moustache said in the movie ‘The Fugitive’, “Hinky”.

When we come back from commercial, we get to see Ben shaving. If you’re not watching the show, you need to know that they show people shaving.

Because Grandma girl gave up the 1-on-1, they give it to Horse girl. Horse girl has really long legs and her real name is ‘Lindzi’. They hit up the night life, eat ice cream, and ride the trolley. Horse Girl and Ben unlock San Francisco City Hall. Horse girl remarks how amazing Ben is for having a key to the San Francisco City Hall. I get mad that I never met girls this stupid when I was …sniff... a Bachelor. Horse girl says the word ‘magical’ a thousand times and is already in love with Ben.

They head inside City Hall for a private concert from Matt Nathanson. So, for all of the hard work Matt Nathanson and his band have done, they get to play for two people who make out through the entire performance. When they’re done making out in front of Matt Nathanson, they make out in a Piano store. Ben’s tongue must be exhausted.

Horse Girl is always smiling and she nods a lot. I feel like you could read her the ingredients of ketchup and she’d nod the whole time and then tell you how magical ketchup is.

Then, they go to a bar to make ou… is this is boring to read as it is to write? I feel like I’m torturing you people. You’re nice enough to read my recap, and all I can give you is drivel.

Horse girl’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her by sending her a text of a Homer Simpson quote. I’m sure Horse Girl read the text while nodding her head and then told the person next to her how magical texting is.

The pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party comes next. ABC makes sure we know that some girl is coming onto the show to stir bleep up. Ben makes out with Jennifer. She declares she’s falling in love with the guy she’s known for 3 minutes. To be fair, she has kissed him twice.

The paid actress, Courtney, gets 5 minutes of face time to say awful things about the girls to make sure there’s plenty of drama to go around. Emily thinks she has a personality problem. Emily has a PhD, but hasn’t figured out that the Bachelor is scripted. Courtney and Ben get a moment alone to make out. She may be a fake contestant, but that doesn’t mean Ben doesn’t get to make out with her. I’m not sure there are many girls left in Ben’s hometown of San Francisco that Ben hasn’t made out with tonight.

The party-crasher girl who comes on the show to wreck things is Shawntel. Shawntel is the funeral director girl who was a contestant on the Bachelor a year ago. I was a big fan of hers… but this little stunt is embarrassing, even by Bachelor standards.

Apparently, Shawntel and Ben have made out in the past and she wants to marry him. Ben is surprised to see her. The rest of the girls want to stab her with an ice pick and throw her off of the Bay Bridge. Ben and Shawntel sit on a couch to talk while the rest of the girls circle around and swear. Shawntel wants in on the Rose Ceremony. She leaves it up to Ben to decide.

Ben needs to think it over and has Shawntel stand alone in the room with his girlfriends to explain things. Shawntel says that she called up Chris Harrison to get onto Ben’s season. I love how much credit is given to Chris Harrison, like he’s the Nick Saban of the Bachelor and decides who comes and goes. (That’s 2 straight recaps that mention Nick Saban, by the way. I’m excellent at this.) Chris Harrison chats with Bachelors and lets everyone know when there’s 1 rose left. That’s all he does.

Anyways, Ben’s girlfriends are super pissed and yell at Shawntel. They’re all extra drunk, by design. Uggghh, the grouper-woman seems most pissed. She looks like a grouper. Courtney, the actress, is not a very good actress. She acts like she’s pissed and pretends to cry but it is not convincing. She’s not even drunk.

Ben decides Shawntel can stay for the Rose Ceremony. The girls who threatened to leave the show if Shawntel is allowed to stay for the Rose Ceremony have their bluff called and do not leave, including the paid actress who refers to Shawntel as ‘Whats-her-butt’.

For the record, Shawntel is super hot.

My wife points out how drunk Samantha is. She can’t even stand up straight through the Cocktail party and rose ceremony.

Usually, during the Rose Ceremony, the girls look at the Bachelor and plead with their eyes to be allowed to stay. For this ceremony, everyone is just looking at Shawntel with hate. There is a ton of crying and skillful mascara make-up finger wipes.

”On a scale of 1-to-10, I think I’m gonna throw up.”- quote of the night from Ugghh the grouper.

1-by-1 Ben hands out roses while building up the drama as to whether or not Shawntel gets to stay.

They drag out the final rose so Erika can pass out. It’s a weird sequence. Erika is kind of fading while they’re handing out roses. Chris Harrison makes his announcement on the final rose. Ben pauses the game to say a few words. It’s almost like he’s stalling and looking at Erika to pass out. Erika doesn’t even totally pass out. She kind of falls to one knee and says she’s gonna pass out, but she doesn’t pass out. She kind of just Tebows. My computer doesn’t recognize ‘Tebowing’ as a word yet. How 2011 of it.

The Rose Ceremony resumes after they give Erika some water. Ben finishes his speech and decides to give the rose to no one. Erika passes out again. They just put these poor girls through so much; truckloads of alcohol, paid actresses, Matt Nathanson concerts and, now, fake contestants.

So, Erika, Ugghhh and Shawntel are sent home.

Ben now has 3 less women to make out with; 4 if you count Shawntel. I would have definitely made out with Shawntel on her way out. At this point, what standards are you upholding? So what if you dumped her, make out with her. I would use my Bachelor powers to bring back Shawntel each week to make out. I want her to exhume my corpse. That’s a metaphor.

Erika makes it another 2 minutes without passing out but they don’t let her cry into the camera with a farewell speech. They don’t let Ugghhh cry into the camera either. I’m grateful. She’s hideous. I’ve had wounds scab over and still look better than her.

Ben announces that they’re all going to Park City Utah and the girls all scream like they’ve just been told they’re going somewhere they’ve heard of.

As the credits roll, they show Erika showing Ben the tattoo inside of her lip. It says ‘Amore’. She’ll never find Amore on the inside of her lip. That’s a metaphor.

The promo for next week’s show tells us that the entire cast of ABC’s hit show Castle will crash the next Rose Ceremony to ask Ben to marry them. It looks super dramatic. I don’t think I can take it.
I hate this show.

Bachelor Recap- Showing Your Chest to Children

2012-01-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

This week’s episode of the Bachelor takes us to Ben Groban’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben’s hometown is Sonoma. The Bachelor, Ben, is from Sonoma. They go to Sonoma, the hometown of Ben… which happens to be… Sonoma.

Episode 2 of the season is important. The girls are still naïve to the game and might still get drunk enough to do something horrifically embarrassing. Many of them will panic and pretend like they’re starting to like Ben. The word ‘connection’ will be thrown around. Ben will stand in a field with immaculate natural lighting to think about his 15 girlfriends and his family. It’s intense.

A soundbite by Ben teases that, “I had no idea that things had gotten this bad, this early.”

I did, Ben. I did.

The girls take a plane to Sonoma, not a helicopter. (Hashtag RipOff!) Ben hops in a jeep and drives by grapevines while talking about his dead father.
“Ben looks amazing in his dressed-down, Sonomafied version of himself.” Remarks a member of his harem.

My idiot computer underlined ‘Sonomafied’ in a red squiggly line, trying to tell me it’s not a word. What a bunch of idiots at Hewlitt Packard.

Casey B. gets the first date. My wife drops a bomb by declaring, “I like her. I think they make a good couple.” That sound you hear is Las Vegas scrambling to adjust their odds. Casey B. has a southern accent. Points. Southern accents might be more important with women than they are with Football G.M.’s.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time.” Casey B. is swinging for the fences.

They go to the Dollar Store and buy a baton. On another channel, LSU is playing Alabama for the College Football National Championship. After twirling a baton, Casey talks about how well their date is going. Then, they eat on T.V.

Ben talks about how in love his parents were because they fought all of the time. Ben gives Casey a rose after getting way too emotional about their first 38 minutes together. If he weren’t the Bachelor and they weren’t on T.V., this smokin’ hot girl would be scared off and texting ‘PSYCHO’ to her friends. Instead, it’s cute.

Ben and Casey B. head to a theatre to watch reels of their family videos that were surrendered to the network for sentimental value. Casey is doing gymnastics. I’m sure some poor intern had to suffer through 17 hours of that nightmare footage to get the 12 seconds they used on the final product. There are some quality shots of Ben and his blurred out penis standing on a picnic table. They show Ben’s Dad. Ben’s Dad had died so it’s emotional. Everyone cries. (Yes, I’m everyone.) Then, with the memory of his dead Dad fresh on his mind, they make out in the street.

Casey breaks a Bachelor record by declaring that she’s in love with the Bachelor JUST 1.2 EPISODES IN!!!!!!!!!

The next day, Ben dates a dozen women in Sonoma. They’re in Sonoma. Sonoma. The skanks put on chestless upperwear and their best heels to perform a play in some vineyard or something. ABC brought in a bunch of kids to write Fairytales. The girls have to audition to play the parts. It’s super cute and hilarious guys! I see a bunch of kids, a lot of cleavage and zero parents around.

Back at the mansion, Courtney, a paid actress… paid to be on the show, fulfills her contractual duties by acting awful and stirring things up.

One of the commercials was for that whale movie. Do you guys think that the whales live?

When their done auditioning and the roles are cast, the girls are forced to perform the kids’ play in front of a bunch of people from Sonoma. No one told them that they’d have to perform the play in front of people. Now, it’s all sorts of pressure packed.

The play is half-assed and Ben ends up taking off all of his clothes in front of families and children. This really happened. Then, they all went to a pool to get drunk and take turns making out.

They kept the kids out of the pool party for some reason. It kind of sucks. These kids labor over writing this play and then they aren’t even invited to the after-party.

There are some key moments during the cocktail hour. Blakely, a toothy VIP cocktail waitress, emerges as a villain this episode. The other 40 girls on the date make it clear to the camera that they don’t like her. She has bosoms and she wears earrings that look like those desk toys in psychiatrists’ office that clack back and forth. A bunch of the girls, some ugly, head to a handicap bathroom stall to talk about how much they hate Blakely. I kept hoping a handicapped person would come in to use the bathroom to break up the gaggle.

Back at the mansion, Courtney gets a 1-on-1 date card and rubs it in the other girls’ faces. They get mad, which is good because it’s Courtney’s job to make them mad. It wouldn’t be much of a planned production if the girl that Producers paid to make people angry didn’t make people angry. As it stands, they’re angry so she’s doing her job well.

I know I jump around a lot, but we’re back at the drunken pool party. Ben has his shirt off and he takes the one with red hair to a different pool to be alone. I’d like to paraphrase their conversation if you’ll allow it:
“I’m having such a great time.”
“Me too.”
“I love it here.”
“I love it here too.”
“This place is really awesome.”
“I’m so glad you could be here.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
Then, they make out. Then, Ben makes out with that girl Blakely with the boobs and the teeth while the girl with the red hair watches. It’s awkward… even by Bachelor standards.

There’s some more drinking and a little crying. Ben gives Blakely the group date rose and the rest of the girls think a lot about stabbing her with their heels. The redhead cries to the camera.

I’m sure a bunch of them adjourned to the handicapped stall again, but the Producers must have decided that they had enough footage of that.

The episode is flying by. The next day (Maybe Wednesday? Who knows?) Ben brings his dog ‘Scotchie’ on his 1-on-1 date with Courtney. I hope I spelled Scotchie’s name correctly. You never know on this show. ABC did not provide us with Scotchie’s name, age and occupation. He’s probably a VIP cocktail waitress. The three lovers drive Ben’s jeep to the middle of nowhere.

ABC blurs out Ben’s license plate so women don’t scour California looking for his jeep.

Ben walks into a forest and makes his dog howl and Courtney remarks how much she can see herself with him. I resolve to read more books. It’s 2 solid minutes of Ben howling to his dog. On any other platform, a girl as attractive and spoiled as Courtney doesn’t even say goodbye before walking away. On the Bachelor, you can howl at your dog for 2 minutes and its adorable.

They talk for 4 minutes about how magical a day they’re having. Then they make out. Then, they drive a tractor around in the dark. Then, they eat on T.V.

Courtney is a magnificent actress. She nods at all of the perfect times when Ben talks about his dead Dad. She even holds a look of concern on her face. Courtney has all of the warmth and sincerity of a Math book. Every time she talks, in my mind, I can see her screaming at people. She has definitely thrown dishes at walls. There is no way she is a good person. She’s like Nick Saban. (I flipped over to the game during a commercial break and Nick Saban was up by 6 points. I’m so happy for him.)

Courtney, of course, gets a rose at the end of her 1-on-1 date. There isn’t much suspense when a girl is paid to be on the show and Ben is told to advance her to a certain point so she can make the show more interesting by acting unworldly awful to the other girls.

The Rose Ceremony comes next. Chris Harrison got a haircut. I wonder if he practices tapping on a Champaign glass at home to perfect the art. The girls spend some time to drink alcohol before two of them are sent home.

They act excited to see Ben and then sit on couches to complain about each other. Blakely scores extra 'hate' points by interrupting conversations to steal more time with Ben EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE!

I don’t want to spend all of my space here commenting on earrings, but Blakely is wearing those squid-like machine creatures from the Matrix on her lobes. I kept waiting for Morpheus to pop the E.M.P. to kill her earrings.

More important than deciding a winner for this Gameshow might be deciding who will be more hated in the end, Courtney or Blakely. Courtney is wickedly evil, but Blakely manages to be evil without reading from a script. The music they play when Blakely talks is hilarious. It’s classic ‘Bad Guy’ music.

Jenna the crazy blogger finally gets a moment with Ben. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Jenna is not plastered like the first night, but she is nervous and out of her mind. She basically tells Ben that she’s a guy and that she’s not a good girl. In the middle of this tire fire, she’s interrupted by the ugliest girl at the party. I don’t even know the girls name. I call her ‘Uggghhh’ because that’s the sound I make when I see her. She looks like a Grouper.

Jenna goes into one of the bedrooms to lie on a bed and cry. Blakely goes into a room with a bunch of luggage and hides in a corner. Ben is told by Producers to find them.

He gets Blakely from her luggage room. I’m not sure what she’s doing hiding in the corner. I think we’re led to believe that she’s crying because the girls hate her, but she’s not crying. Her eyes are bone dry, there are no ‘Bachelor’ boogers and her make-up isn’t runny. She just needed some more attention.

The most important moment of the show comes when Ben goes into the bedroom to find out why Jenna the blogger is crying. The alarm clock next to the bed says 2:05 a.m. I’ve always wondered how late these Rose Ceremonies run. This is a fantastic revelation. They feed these girls a truckload of alcohol and then keep them awake until 2 in the morning to make sure that there’s as much blood loss as possible.

OSHA needs to step in and do something about this.

Ben finally hands out 13 roses to complete a magical evening. We’re reminded of a bunch of girls ABC has ignored to this point; Grandma girl, a couple of blonde chics I didn’t recognize, the nurse my wife liked on night 1.

Nurse did not get a rose. Neither did Jenna the blogger. Uggghhh did. I made the ‘Uggghhh’ noise.
While nurse chic exited with class, Jenna fires a scattergun into her final time in front of the camera. She does a lot of crying about being lonely and does that thing where she hugs herself. I look over the buttons on my remote control. It’s uncomfortable. She’s not going to like watching that one back. Maybe she’ll blog about it.

We’ve lost two, but there’s still plenty of Bachelor babes left. They tease that they’re taking the party to San Francisco, Ben’s hometown. I thought Sonoma was his hometown? I’ve learned nothing. Also, police accidentally fire shots into the Bachelor mansion and a couple of the girls get hit.

Goodbye Cheese

2012-01-05T23:54:00.000-08:00

(I know, all of my posts are about food. Where's your blog?)

I love cheese so much. I had a dream that Russia sent a missile the size of the Sears Tower toward Buffalo (I dream in the 1980’s) and we were all going to die. Instead of longing to spend my last moments with a loved one, I started unwrapping Kraft Singles.

My love for cheese is unhealthy, but more in a Biblical sense than the Surgeon General Sense. Are you even still reading this blog?

I love cheese.

My wife just found out that she’s slightly lactose intolerant, which means she’s ceasing to eat cheese. She’s not forbidding me from eating cheese but, when you eat meals with a person, you tend to take on their dietary habits. If we’re cooking dinner, we’re not going to add a block of cheese and have her shitting fire all night. If the recipe calls for cheese, we find a new recipe.

Now, I can put up having my half-assed opinions on tile color being ignored and holding hands while walking through the mall, but this lack of cheese shit is a fucking travesty. Cheese is a gift from the heavens. I’m basically using the gift receipt that heaven tucked into my gift bag full of cheese and heading back to Target to exchange my cheese for something that tastes 400% less good. Stop re-reading my sentences. The grammar is fine.

I’m 35-years old and I’m never going to play in the NFL. I do have a good 30 years or so of productive cheese eating left in me and I fear I might be wasting it now that New York State is standing at the ready to give half of my shit to this non-lactose breaking down woman I agreed to marry. The priest didn’t say anything about cheese.

I have to store up my cheese-binge opportunities when they present themselves. I find myself carrying fake beards to change identities and maximize Grocery Store 'free cheese' samples. I ask co-workers to bring extra cheese to work. I have fantasies about breaking into Hot Stuff the Buffalo’s car. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.

There are so many delicious types of cheese on this planet that I may never sample. Cheese is infinite. I went to Wikipedia and searched ‘types of cheese’ and they couldn’t even list them all. They just give you a list of countries and say, “Look, if you want to discover the World’s cheese supply, you’re just going to have to take it land-by-land.” It’s not Wikipedia’s fault. There is just too much cheese. I even pay-pal’d them a dollar because they beg for it every time I go to check NBA Eastern Conference Champions. There’s no way you read this far down.

Some companies make Bacon flavored cheese. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Cheese makes Broccoli taste good. Cheese makes dirt taste good. I’m so lost without cheese.

Richard Marx is the worst thing that ever happened to music but, when you picture his song ‘Wherever You Go’ being about cheese, it really captures the big-hair emotion. I’m singing it right now. I’m singing a Richard Marx song to cheese everywhere. I love you cheese. I love you so much my heart burns, but not in the good way it burns after I’ve eaten too much cheese. It burns with the emptiness of no cheese.

I love cheese.

Bachelor Recap- Did you guys see the promo for Work It???!!!

2012-01-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Here are some quotes from last night’s Season Premiere of the Bachelor to start the recap:
“It is beyond words how awesome it is to be here.”

“I’m at the point of my life where I’m a model.”

“I’m real.”

“Don’t worry about her. You’re squashing that, right?”

“I preach ‘no looking back’ all of the time. That’s what I write in my blog!”

“I love grandmas!”

“I’ve never juggled 25 women, but I’m gonna dive into this experiment, ready for love.”

I know readers are expecting a bunch of hate here, but I’m actually invigorated for a new season of the Bachelor.

Ashley H. is gone. No more hearing Ashley whine. No more seeing Ashley pout. No more reminders that Ashley H. exists. It’s a comforting feeling. I have a renewed energy for recapping the worst show on television. I feel like a 36-year old NHLer coming out of the lockout. (Sports quota filled)

Josh Groban in the new Bachelor. His name is actually Ben Flajnik, but I thought he looked like Josh Groban. He may even look more like Rafael Nadal (Bonus Sports reference)

In order to combat confusion he will be hereby referred to as ‘Ben’.

Last season, Ben asked Ashley H. to marry him and she dumped him on an island or something… look can we just forget about Ashley H.? I hate her. ABC makes sure they recap the moment. Then, they got us ready for the new season by showing footage of Ben steering a boat and sifting through dirt. (Actual ABC filler b-roll content.)

Then, they showed him canoeing without a shirt.

After all of the shirtless footage and soft-music voiceovers, Ben is ready to meet his 25 skanks. Chris Harrison promises this to be the craziest first night in Bachelor history. Harrison is such a tease. Before the limos arrive, ABC rolls out their favorites with video montages. It’s an unfair advantage that gives America an extra 30 seconds to fall in love with certain contestants. It’s also a fast track to the cover of OK magazine. Here are the highlights of some of the girls given the special treatment of the video montage.

Lindsey – rides horses

Amber- Shoots guns. Eats cow balls. Super edgy and desperate. I hate this show.

Kacie – Spells her name wrong. ABC was lucky enough to capture footage of her lying around the house and reading her grandparents’ love letters.

Jamie- Nurse who lost her Dad and had a drug addicted Mom. Overcomes life’s tough issues with perkiness.

Lyndsie- British girl. I have no idea what she said, but I heard enough to hate her. I should email Vegas a thousand dollars to wager that Lyndsie will be around until the Final Four to ensure my torment.

Jenna- Blogger. Did you know that was a job? Can I be a blogger? I blog. I’ll bet she has more than 27 readers. My wife thinks she’s crazy. My wife is good at detecting these things.

Shawn- She’s a Mom and, therefore, will not win. Also, her name is Shawn and she named her son Gavin. Shouldn’t the government regulate these sorts of things?

Nicki- Texan. Whatever.
Nicki was married before. She says, “The next time I get married, it’s going to be forever.” I wish I had that stitched onto a throw pillow.

ABC takes a break to tease the fact that some grandmother on crutches tries to crash the show because she’s in love with Ben. It’s worse than paying a guy to wear a mask. I hate this show… but it’s still much more bearable without … you know who.

Commercial break highlight was the promo for ABC’s new show ‘Work It’. It’s about two guys dressed like girls. It’s like Bosom Buddies except it’s… exactly like Bosom Buddies.

We come back from commercial to see Ben buttoning his pants. It’s a really important feature of the Bachelor. You get to see the Bachelor put on his pants.

After that, we’re ready to roll. Chris Harrison pulls Ben aside to earn his big bucks. It’s the token pre-limo interview. Harrison asks the tough questions. He’s like Channel 2 News. They should give Chris Harrison a red coat.

Ben tells Chris that he doesn’t regret proposing to… what’s her name… because he grew as a person. Sometimes, taking pottery classes or playing paintball can help you grow, but Ben chose getting dumped on television.

Ben also tells Chris that his dead dad is a Hummingbird, I think. I drifted off.

Harrison and his tan get enough camera time and it’s time for the 25 girls to meet their boyfriend. The attention starved girls pull up in their limo. Many girls try gimmicks and puns to make an impression. It gets worse every year.

Highlights:

Elyse was attractive and didn’t embarrass herself.

Jenna, the blogger, made it as uncomfortable as possible. Her craziness shines through early.

Courtney is a smoking hot model who is being paid by the Producers to stir bleep up. If you’re drafting her in your Fantasy League, you’re in luck. She’ll make it 4 weeks minimum.

Some girl sprays Bactene on Ben before kissing him.

Casey was nice, pretty and without brain.

Shira is the Princess of Power… and an actress.

Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress. I have no idea what that means or if I correctly spelled her name.

The grandmother part is stupid and a waste of my time. She just showed up to introduce Ben to her hot granddaughter. Then, grandma went inside to get hammered and mingle with the scum of the Earth. It’s going to be really hard to watch later in the season when grandma is sitting next to Ben and her granddaughter grinding abs in a hot tub.

I’m already running out of steam.

Two girls arrive and look exactly the same.

I lost some brain function when Lyndsie, the British Arizonan arrived. There is no way that Lyndsie is really British. She sounds like a bad parody of a British person. She’ll be the reason I finally kill myself.

Then, some blonde chic walked by him without saying ‘Hi’.

They get too many fake blondes for this show. The blondes always end up fighting more.

The last girl is the spunky horse girl who shows up on a horse, of all things. It’s super silly. My wife and I had to pause the show because we were laughing pretty hard. It… it was just really goofy. I wish you could have seen it. Horse girl was cute but, and I apologize to all of the horse girls out there reading this, there is just no way a girl who owns and rides horses is a good person. How do you have any perspective on life? You’re an adult riding around on what every little girl wants. You basically exist to make other girls jealous. You’ve never wanted for anything in your life if you own horses and that makes you unable to relate in my book. I am willing to take this on horse-girl for horse-girl basis, so I don’t want all of you horse-girls out there sending me hate emails about how it’s not your fault and your Dad bought you your horse. Like with all hot women, I’m able to keep an open mind.

With the 25 girls and 1 grandma on board this ship or horrors, it was time to drink way too much alcohol, start fights and pretend like you’re in love.

There are some horrible people in this group. One girl from Kentucky has giant fake boobs and a gaudy hat. Some hooker is wearing a pageant sash. I have to sit through country line dancing and white girl rapping. The rapping lasts 2 solid minutes. A big chunk of me died. Fast forward 40 years to Ben and rap girl, sitting on rockers explaining to their grandkids how grandma won him over with torrid free style beats.

The paid actress makes Ben fall in love with her and then says awful things to the camera to reiterate that she’s an evil bad person in charge of boosting ratings. ABC pays a couple of girls to pretend like they’ve fallen in love and make out on the couch. If you’re new to my recaps, I should let you know that I’m a huge Bachelor conspiracy theorist and assume 90% of the show is now staged.

I can’t tell if Jenna the blogger is super drunk or super crazy, probably a little of both. She’s crying because the fake lesbians want to fight her. I always wonder how these people allow themselves to get that drunk on television in such a short period of time. And, if you’re going to go into the bathroom to cry, turn off your microphone. ABC does such a good job of finding girls who want to stab each other. I’m certain that they have the contestants fill out bubble sheet questionnaires to type their personalities. (I just turned ‘type’ into a verb there. I’m not really sure if you’re allowed to do that but, if you’ve read this far down, I doubt that’s getting you to slap your laptop shut.) The producers then run these bubble sheets through some anti-EHarmony machine to find the opposite of compatibility. This is the proven scientific way to ensure lots of fighting and crying.

Horse girl got the first impression rose, even though she’s from Seattle and rides horses. She’s so happy that her head shakes when she talks. Owning horses will make you ‘head-shaking’ happy.

Next up is the Rose Ceremony. This episode flies by with all of the cleavage and line dancing.

I think it would be hilarious if someone snuck 12 additional roses into the pile, so Ben would hand out roses to all of the girls and still have 2 left over… and Chris Harrison would have no idea what to do with himself.

A lot of girls get roses. Most of them are hideous. I don’t know if it’s the lighting in the Rose Ceremony room, but these girls look like they have plastic for skin. If only I had a sick toy-clown fetish. This show would be 38% more entertaining.

They made sure the fake lesbian and Jenna the drunken blogger both made it through to the next round to ensure plenty of drama for the entire season. Ben is required by contract to allow a select number of girls through. I, of course, have no proof of this but there is no other explanation.

On the bright side, Lyndsie, the British woman, is sent home. I get up and line dance.

The first episode is hard to recap. I’m sure I missed plenty. In the preview of the season to come there is a ton of crying but also A BLEEP-TON OF HELICOPTERS!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!!!! They also make it look like Ben gets dumped at the end. There is zero chance that happens.

I’ve never picked a winner before. My wife likes the nurse chic and she’s pretty good at this sort of thing. I’d pick any girl who spelled her name correctly.

I hope Ben finds love. If he doesn’t I’m gonna be super sad.

After the rose ceremony, they show Ben playing kick ball with a bunch of drunk chics in evening gowns. One of the girls pulls out a gun and everyone is bummed because it ruins the game.

On My Own For Dinner

2011-11-16T09:35:00.001-08:00

I don't think my wife heard me drop the phone and do a back flip while fist-pumping when she told me I was on my own for dinner this Monday.

Little does she know, I'd rather be 'on my own' for dinner than 'on a plane' to Vegas. I love being on my own for dinner.

Being on my own for dinner means that I don't have to eat Kale or Water Chestnuts.

On the rare occasion that my wife gets home from work 2 hours later than me, I hold a comprehensive orgy of animal fat and alcohol. Remember how the Titanic broke in half while sinking and water poured into the vessel, dragging it into the bottom of the ocean? That's what I do with food when my wife gets home late.

I start with Nutty Bars purchased in the office vending machine. Then, I get Mighty Pack on my way home. I usually eat the first taco out of the Drive-Thru girl's hand as she is passing it into my car. Then I drive 4 miles without ever once looking out the windshield. I'm busy scooping soft shelled tacos from the passenger seat into my throat. Shredded lettuce covers the driver's seat like Ticker-Tape in the street on New Year's Eve.

As soon as I get home I drink a beer. I spend 35 minutes in the front window, drinking beer and hoping that she doesn't pull into the driveway. Drinking beer quickly usually makes me hungry, so I find my stash of Chip-A-Hoys in the garage and go to town.

I hide food.

I have to hide food because, if I don't hide food, the tastiest thing in my house I would get to eat would be 98% lean hamburger. I dip Chip-A-Hoys in milk and quickly eat them while looking out the window, like a squirrel.

By the way, drinking milk shortly after drinking beer sucks. It's not ideal, but that's the process. Please don't question the process. In fact, no more questions at all. You're making me lose my train of thought.

I love Chip-A-Hoys and will never stop eating Chip-A-Hoys no matter how much my wife tries to turn me into a waif of air that only consumes pollen.

If Jessica Alba came to my front door and told me that her body temperature was dropping and she needed me to put down my Chip-A-Hoy and hug her naked body with my naked body to keep her alive, I would. I don't like Chip-A-Hoy's that much. I'm not going to let Jessica Alba die because I'm eating a cookie. Please be clear though, I really enjoy eating Chip-A-Hoys.

When I'm done with the Mighty Taco, the beer, the Chip-A-Hoys and the milk, I find stray deer in the woods and run them down. Once I've captured a deer, I smother it in Tequila, Bar-B-Que and Magic Shell Chocolate and then I deep fry it and consume it whole.

Then I drink some Peppermint Tea because it's really good for soothing your stomach.

There are so many commas in this blog.

Applebees Will Test Your Marriage

2011-11-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

We ate out at Applebees the other night and my wife woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning to throw up Applebees into our toilet. So, I dutifully rushed to her side to hold her hair back as she was passing her insides through her esophagus.

This will really test your relationship because, as she was throwing up, my wife farted on me. The smell could best be described as 'deadly'.

The smell actually wove its way into the fibers of my shirt, like syrup into the divots of a waffle, and I had to go to our other bathroom to throw up. I had to throw the shirt away because Tide has yet to develop a product that would power out that noxious emanation.

They don’t show you the video clip of this happening in those “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercials.

Those commercials always feature two attractive people sitting by a fire, not blasting fire from their ass onto their spouse while emptying their organs into a toilet. I’ll bet they’d sell less diamonds if they showed you what really happens with true love.

Every kiss might begin with Kay, but it ends with your wife's ass turning into a Roman Candle as she shits her pants while making a noise that sounds like someone dragging a cat across a chain link fence.

And Applebees left this out of their advertising as well. I think their slogan should be “Make your wife so sick that she poisons your lungs and makes your shirt unusable with air.”

Instead, they went with “Eating Good in the neighborhood". There should be a disclaimer.

Extinction of Bit-O-Honey

2011-10-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

When I was 8-years old, I attended my first hockey game at Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo. The Sabres beat Quebec 9-to-5. My brother Jim brought a bag of Bit-O-Honey candy as a snack. This marks the last time I have eaten a Bit-O-Honey candy.

They still sell Bit-O-Honey candy, so people must be eating it, but I fear that most of these people will soon be dead; not because Bit-O-Honey is poisonous but because the people who buy and eat Bit-O-Honey's are usually upwards of 90.

The market for Bit-O-Honey has to be shrinking. We may be approaching the extinction of the Bit-O-Honey.

I guess that could change. Maybe some teenage dreamboat will get caught munching Bit-O-Honey in his tour camper and all of the kids will suddenly crave lightly-sweetened chunks of glue. Isn't that how these things work?

I was on the Bit-O-Honey wikipedia page earlier. It took awhile to load because so many people across the globe were also visiting that same page. Apparently, Bit-O-Honey was originally a giant bar of toffee, not intended to be sold in bite-sized pieces. The regression is obvious. There's nowhere else to go for the Bit-O-Honey franchise.

Bit-O-Honey is a terrible name. Who names a product after it's 8th most abundant ingredient? They didn't name 'Count Chocula', 'Count Salt-ula'!
On the back of a bag of Bit-O-Honey, 'Honey' is listed, ahead of 'Salt' and 'Dried Egg Whites'. I'm guessing 'Bit-O-Dried Egg Whites' wouldn't have sold as well.

While on the wikipedia page for Count Chocula, I found this gem:

"Franken Berry was very popular when first introduced possibly because the initial batches of the cereal used a dye that didn't break down in the body, causing many children's feces to be bright pink, a symptom sometimes referred to as "Frankenberry Stool."

If you need me, I'll be at the store buying Frankenberry. I'm told they still sell it at the Walmart on Transit.

Bachelor Pad Recap- Longest 3 Hours of my Life

2011-09-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

I’d compare surviving a season of Bachelor Pad to making it through this year's 162-game Astros season, but it doesn’t fit. The Astros suck but, at least they don’t get drunk and have sex with each other. And, if a crappy Major League Baseball season was anything like the Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison would trot out into the middle of a unwatchable 7-1 loss to the Braves and tell everyone that, “the rules have changed.” Then, a bunch of Astros would grow fake breasts and start crying.

Are you still not following me? Good! Stop reading this. Go teach someone to read or harvest tomatoes. Please turn off your computer and do something worthwhile. Don’t contribute to the ruination of our society.

4 couples remain on the Bachelor Pad. There will be a competition where one couple will gain entry into the finale for a chance to win $250,000. ABC flies them to Vegas. The group gets one night to choreograph a dance/ acrobat routine, Cirque de’ Soule-style. The top routine wins. The routines are carried out on a giant vertical wall while the couples are attached to grappling harnesses.

Casey and Vienna are arguing because it’s in their nature to do so. Casey wants to incorporate a heart into their routine. Vienna thinks the idea is stupid. This will be the first and last time I agree with her on anything.

The wall is very high and everyone is afraid of heights. Graham is “literally bleeping down his leg”.

3 judges are brought in to determine the winner. ABC digs deep to find 3 people worthy of this tremendous responsibility; Ali, Jason Mesnick and Trista, the only 3 people they ever bring on to do anything with this abyss.

Graham and Michele Money are first. I don’t understand any of it. It’s confusing.

Kirk/Kurt and Ella are next. I’m still confused. The music being played for these terrible routines is the kind of music you’d hear tracked over movie footage of young men dying in war.

Casey Cuddles and Vienna kicked butt, I think. Casey scream-mumbled a lot. The judges seemed impressed. My Twitter feed is telling me that Tom Brady is perfect so far and I’m basically missing the best Monday Night Football game ever. Now, my wife wants to know why I’m crying.

Michael and Holly are next. They also performed whatever stupid thing this is called to a high degree. It’s a good time to point out that several emails and phone calls have informed me that Holly is currently engaged to Blake the Dentist. I gotta tell ya… that hurt… because….I really thought Mike and Holly had a chance at love.

The judges tell Holly and Mike that they won the competition. They get roses and head to the next 2 hours of television.
Kurt/Kirk and Ella had the worst performance. They’re sent home.
Trista points out how hard it is to judge because they’re not “Quote-unquote judges”.

Ella begins bawling because it had been 7 minutes since she last cried. I start crying again because something totally got in my eye. This competition was tough. They were definitely on the chopping block.

ABC gives us 11 more minutes of Ella crying to the camera in the limo. They don’t even let her change out of her fluorescent yellow Cirque de’ Soule jump suit. She looks like David Lee Roth.

The 6 people remaining head back to the Bachelor Pad limo. By winning the competition, Michael and Holly get to choose the couple that joins them in the finale.

They talk with Casey Cuddles and Vienna first. I don’t really understand Casey because he mumbles as well as he cuddles. The trash-couple tell them that they deserve it more. Then, they fight a bunch. It takes forever. I hope ABC broadcasts their wedding so I get to see two people have a fist fight on a Church alter right after making out in front of it.

Michael and Holly tell Graham and Michele Money that they’re thinking about going with the trash crew because they’d have the best chance at winning. Graham is super mad. He storms off punching the air because he felt like he was close friends with Michael and Michael should choose friendship over money in a competition for money. I know, I know. I don’t get anything these people say either.

I’d like a moment to point out how hideously ugly Vienna is, just in case she doesn’t make it to the finale and I don’t get the chance to ever do that again. Vienna is the Henri Richard of being ugly. He has 11 Ugly cup rings. As you can tell, this season has been so long, I’ve completely run out of ideas.

Michael and Holly give a long speech about loyalty and then choose Graham and Michele Money to join them in the finale. It’s like the ending of the movie ‘The Jumper’, I think. Who made it all the way through the movie ‘The Jumper’. That movie was awful.

In the limo, Vienna cries and blames Casey Cuddles for everything. She says that “her perfect Rose record is broken”. At least she still leads the league in looking like Calibos from ‘Clash of the Titans’. (google it!)

We’ve made it through an awful hour and still have two pointless hours to go. Chris Harrison corrals the group into a studio in front of an audience for the finale. Harrison says that, “it’s been an amazing season to say the least”. He keeps a straight face the entire time.

All of the contestants from the season are brought back to annoy me.

Bean Bag Face and Jackie explain why they’re broken up, despite the dramatic exit from the Bachelor Pad. Apparently, Bean Bag Face dumped her and didn’t really tell her why. Jackie cries and says that she didn’t get out of bed for a week after getting dumped. Bean just looks down at his shoes. It’s super comfortable. The studio audience is stunned. I’m surprised they didn’t start leaving like Chief fans.

Jake says that he didn’t mind not winning because he just wanted to make up with the very ugly Vienna. Vienna admits to accepting his Olive branch. They’re all super happy and nice to each other. I can’t stand it. This isn’t a finale. It’s a chance to interview all of the old contestants. It’s a farce. I’m being held hostage.

For those of you who don’t watch the show and rely on my recaps to follow the Bachelor Pad, you need to realize how meaningless this entire 3-hour-finale is. Nothing happens. For this entire season, nothing has happened. This show is just crying, screaming, sex and silicone. I hate this show so much. I spend a lot of time thinking of creative metaphors for torture, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I would rather have taken the claw end of a hammer to the crotch than watch these 6 episodes. This show is poison. It’s filth. We’re burning the Earth and salting the soil for our future generations. There can be no hope for a future if 20 million people watch this show. There is no hope. No hope.

Anyway, back to the recap, Vienna and Jake are still crying and arguing about their past relationship. The studio audience has recovered from the Jackie/Bean Bag news to act shocked about their struggles.

Jake takes Casey Cuddles to task for saying that he wanted to “Punch Jake for America”. Casey Cuddles apologizes and they hug. I just…. I really can’t believe I just typed that, but it happened.

Casey Cuddles is brought up to hot seat next. To this point, not a single second has been dedicated to the finale, the very reason ABC slotted 3 hours of television to the Bachelor Pad tonight.

They play back moments from the season because that’s all they do. Casey Cuddles figures out that everyone hates him and he’s awful. He cries in the hot seat. This has turned into couple counseling for Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles.

Still no finale to report on. We’re just reliving the awful past.

Blake is next on the hot seat. I have mentally checked out at this point. I’m just floating over my body, watching myself type garbage. Harrison rolls out the crazy Melissa/ Blake footage. I cringe again watching how crazy Melissa is. Think Glen Close in ‘Fatal Attraction’.

Blake admits that he used Melissa to win a quarter of a million dollars. I wonder out loud what the score of the Dolphins/ Patriots game might be. My wife tells me to shut up because Melissa is making a point about prostitutes.

When Melissa is done yelling, Blake tells America that he’s in love with Holly. Holly is back stage getting ready to try to win a bunch of money with another man. Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together… and… they have Michael’s blessing…. Even though… it really hurt him to give it…. Because he loves Holly too.

Then ***WARNING! A BOMB IS ABOUT TO BE DROPED***** BLAKE BLEEPING PROPOSED TO HOLLY! AND SHE SAID ‘YES’… AND ABC TAPED THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!! AND THEY SHOW IT!!!!!!!!! THIS HAS BEEN TOTALLY WORTH MISSING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AND WASTING 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!!!ELENTY111!!!!

(by the way, this show is so boring, my wife fell asleep and I woke her up when I was pounding out those exclamation points on my laptop!!!!!)

Finally, Chris Harrison brings out the 4 remaining Bachelor Pad contestants. Harrison announces the Blake / Holly engagement. Michael didn’t know about it. These snakes told this broken hearted man on live television. He’s super crushed and asks them to go to commercial break. They do not. Michael is forced to do that whisper crying thing to America. I didn’t think there were new lows. He recovers and congratulates them. They stop short of running over his legs with a truck.

Graham and Michele Money announce that they’re a couple, as well as Bachelor Pad finalists. Graham is rocking a bow tie. Michele announces her father’s passing and how it brought them together. ABC takes this tender moment and follows it up with a 7-minute promo for one of their horrible fall shows.

The final game begins. The past contestants ask them questions and then vote for who they think should win.

Holly and Michael won the vote. I was assuming this was the end, but Harrison tells us it’s not over. I’ve written 1,764 words and there is still a half-hour left.

Michael and Holly are sequestered. They must choose to either keep or share the prize money. If they both pick ‘share’, they share it. If they both pick keep, the other contestants get the money. If one picks ‘keep’ and one picks ‘share’, the one who picked ‘keep’ gets to keep the money to themselves.

In the end, they both pick ‘share’ and share the money. I gasp.

ABC then spends the finale 11 minutes telling us that Josh Groban is the next Bachelor, even though I already told you that weeks ago.

I hate this show. Luckily, it goes away for 4 months.

I would implore any children watching this to become doctors so they don’t the time to watch horrible Reality Television.

Bachelor Pad- I Hate This Show

2011-09-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Forget everything you know about Power Couples, which is nothing. This game has changed.

Ten plastic beings remain on the Bachelor Pad and ABC has broken down the contest into couples. I know what you’re thinking, “Greg, they can’t do that becau…” SHUT UP! They can do that. They did do that. It’s done.

Before that’s done, they show the aftermath of last week’s Rose Ceremony. Everyone looks exhausted from a long day of backstabbing and being fake. Princess Erica kicks things off with a Hall of Fame quote, “I think everyone just needs to, like, have a good night’s sleep so we can all do our best in the competition because that’s why we’re here.” She makes it sound like they’re Olympic sprinters.

This week’s fun starts with a smutty version of the Newlywed game. It’s taxing, because it makes them all talk about something other than themselves. All remaining contestants must find a partner of the opposite sex and learn as much about each other as possible. The producers find some music that’s really close to every 70’s game show, but not quite.

It’s called the ‘Nearlywed’ game. Do you get the joke? Can you understand the joke there?

Here is the breakdown of the couples remaining. For your reading pleasure, I will power rank them:

1. Casey Mumbles/ Vienna- The most powerful power couple ever. Be afraid, people. They’re my favorite to win because good things happen to despicable people.

2. Graham/ Michele Money- Thrown together by this crazy game. Will they find love? I’m not sure, but they’ll probably have sex under the watchful eye of a night-vision camera.

3. Kirk/Kurt/Ella- Platonical couple interested in winning the money because of mold infestation and debt.

4. Michael/ Holly- Used to be engaged. Michael still loves Holly but she’s in love with someone else… and that really hurts.

5. Blake/ Erica- A dentist paired with a Velociraptor that gets fat blown into her lips once a week. Blake is on the chopping block. You must use the term ‘chopping block’ because that’s the only term these people know.

The winners get roses, making them safe from elimination and earning them a special date where they will be able to have sex. It’s a big prize so they all head off to different parts of the mansion to study. Kurk and Ella sit in front of a fire to talk. Isn’t it always 75 degrees in Hollywood? Why are there fires? They all wear sweaters and pants too. I’m sweating just thinking about it. That’s why I never became a Hollywood superstar.

The contest is a pointless endeavor to get Michael mad at Blake for openly declaring how bad he wants to steal Holly away from him. It works.

Casey Mumbles knows nothing about Vienna. It’s possible he does, but everyone misinterprets his answers because he has a gym sock stuffed into his throat. Vienna is mad at Casey Mumbles for the entire 2 hours.

Graham and Michele Money rig the contest by answering the same thing for every question. It’s actually brilliant. I can’t believe two people on this show could be so smart.

Blake and Erica come in second place and earn a 1-on-1 date for themselves.

Graham and Money GET A HELICOPTER RIDE FOR THEIR DATE. I wonder if ABC just went out and bought a helicopter at this point for their Bachelor franchise. It would be cheaper than constantly renting. ABC sends them to downtown LA to see the premiere of a movie and there is no doubt that plenty of clips will be provided.

Back at the Mansion, Casey Mumbles and Vienna are fighting. Casey Mumbles ripped the engagement ring off of her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. I’m not making that up. Casey tries to smooth things over by mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. At this point, he just wants to cuddle. ABC provides subtitles. I froze my screen to capture this gem.

Jumping back to the Graham/ Money date, they put on bikinis and watch a movie from a pool. ABC got a truckload of cash to show us 15 minutes of the movie while Michele Money relates the plot to her life. I cry a little.

Then, Graham and Michele make out, completely ignoring the movie. Michele wasn’t too worried about her daughter seeing her kiss last night. She was climbing on Graham like a Sherpa on Mt. Everest.

Blake and Erica have their date in a church. Erica announces, several times, that she is going to force Blake to have sex with her. She doesn’t speak in code or innuendo, she says, “I really want to have sex with Blake”.

They’re given roses to save one other couple. They can’t use the roses for themselves. Blake tries to talk strategy while Erica rubs on his leg for 20 minutes. She doesn’t so much beg Blake to sleep with her, as much as threaten.

Could you imagine being Erica’s Dad watching this show with his buddies from work? “Hey, Pete. Your daughter… she’s kind of the biggest slut I’ve ever seen… no offense.”

I know that there is a primal code written into my DNA that requires me to be attracted to a blonde with big boobs, but that woman is the opposite of attractive. Every time she speaks, I want to break a pool cue in half and jam a splintered end into my ear canal, severing all of the essential tissue that gives me the ability to hear. I vote to never hear sound again rather than hear Erica speak 6 meaningless sentences on a ridiculous Reality television show.

Erica mentions that she sees an astrologist who told her that she was going to win Bachelor Pad. I don’t know a ton about Astrology, but I do believe the winning results of Reality TV shows are written in the stars. I remember telling my friends that a cluster of stars looked a lot like Warren Sapp dancing and that Warren Sapp was going to win Dancing with the Stars. My friends didn’t listen. They’re stupid.

Erica then continues to try to rape Blake. Blake tries to talk her out of her advances and says that, if he sleeps with another girl, he’d be “The most flip-floppingest, wafflingest person ever”. My stupid 2009 computer doesn’t recognize ‘flip-floppingest’ or ‘wafflingest’.

Back at the house, Holly cries a lot because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings.

Blake leaves the church rather than have sex with Erica. It’s a stunning upset.

The next day, Blake and Erica try to leverage their power to save another couple into being saved. They give the roses to the ultimate power couple, Casey Mumbles and Vienna, who promise to save them.

Ella cries a lot and I don’t have the strength to recap any part of that.

Casey and Vienna do not try to save them. Blake and Erica are voted off. After they are voted off, Vienna says, “Well, we tried” and Casey mumbles, “No we didn’t”.

Erica is stunned to be voted off. She says, “Tonight was a great injustice.” I agree with Erica. Tonight was a great injustice. She just articulates everything so perfectly.

Holly passes Blake a note on the way out. It’s a dot-dot-dot on their relationship together. If you understand that reference, you watch too much television.

Next week is the merciful season finale.

Bachelor Pad Recap- The Power Couples Will Destroy Us All

2011-08-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of Bachelor Pad is the recap from the week before. Casey Mumbles saying, “Jake’s a snake” is the height of comedy. I rewound it 40 times. Last week, Jake went home, even though my recap may have read otherwise. (It was 1:30 in the morning! It’s a confusing show!)

They showed Jake’s goodbye speech. It was quite touching, a diatribe about taking out the power couples. I’ll bet Jake’s speech is exactly what Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansen’s ear at the end of ‘Lost in Translation’.

I totally hear Jake and vow to myself to seek out any power couples in my neighborhood and squash them. If you are a member of a power couple, get ready to get thrown out of your mansion, America.

Now, without Jake, the show is so much less classy. No one seems like they’re constantly about to punch girls. The good thing is that there is more quality time for me to hate everyone else.

We begin this week’s adventure with the bomb-drop announcement that there will be a kissing contest; the 2^nd annual kissing contest. It’s only 2^nd annual because they’re not counting my last 12 family reunions.
Many of the contestants are put off by the idea of a kissing contest and immediately bow out. Michele Money didn’t want to set a bad example for her kid at home. I remember how reserved she was having sex with a man in a swimming pool a few ‘Bachelor’ seasons ago.

Blake was the only guy who went all out with the smooching. He didn’t kiss Vienna because she’s a dude and would lose a beauty pageant to an earthworm.

The girls went buckwild with the smooch time. Erica, the horrible plastic piece of collagen, cleaned some fillings. She’s a triple threat of ugly; her face, her personality and her voice. It sounds like she has whooping cough.
None of the girls wanted to kiss Casey Mumbles because he had bad breath. Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t open his mouth when he talks.

Ella and Blake won the contest because they were actually trying. They get 1-on-1 dates and a freedom rose. Ella described one of her kisses as “a baby-making kiss”. Once again, the public school systems have failed us. She also remarked that her son would be so proud. If my mom won a rose for frenching herpes-ridden men on National Television, I know my heart would swell with pride.

Ella takes Kirk/Kurt for pizza and S’mores. Did you know that my computer doesn’t recognize any spelling for the word ‘S’mores’? So, if it’s spelled wrong, take it up with the government. Kirk/Kurt told the story about how he almost died from mold exposure. Ella talked about how her Mom was shot to death right in front of her and her sister by their Step Dad. It was some real ‘Laugh out Loud’ television.

Ella and Kirt/Kurk jump on a hot-air balloon. You could see a lot of her boobs. They made out in the balloon and I cried because my Mom was pushed out of a hot-air balloon in front of me and my sister by my Step Dad.

Back at the house, Crazy Melissa and Blake re-kindled their flame for the 8^th time this season. They made a pact that he’d take her on his date and guarantee both of their immunity for the week. Then, disgusting princess girl Erica pulls Blake aside to give him a dirty massage. She tries to convince Blake to take her on the date. She offers to have sex with him, basically. I wish Erica had a child so that they could be proud too.

Blake announces that he’s taking Holly on the date. Crazy Melissa starts to sharpen her toothbrush into a shiv. Holly’s former break-dancing fiancé, Michael, is also now angry at Blake for trying to move in on his woman.

I will admit that this stupid move by this stupid boy makes this show incredibly interesting; much like a lump of dog poo would be interesting if worms were crawling through it. Sure, it’s disgusting, but it’s much more interesting than plain dog poo with no parasitic worms.

Editor’s note: Before you get mad at Greg, we all were pushing for him to get more ‘dog poo’ content in his recaps. It’s really a mandate from Corporate. They’ve handed down a mandatory 8% ‘dog poo’ content prerequisite.

There is a solid 14 minute segment of Melissa being a psycho because she’s lost her dentist boyfriend. I didn’t hear most of it. The other part of it was bleeped out.

I tune back in mentally when Blake makes Melissa wait outside of the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth. It’s just 45 seconds of Melissa’s tortured face accompanied by the sound of an electric toothbrush. Well done, Bachelor Pad producers.

Michael is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I Heart Water’.

Blake and Holly head out on their date. They take A PRIVATE BLEEPING JET to a ski lodge. Holly is super terrified because she can’t ski. I scream out, “Don’t worry girl!” from my couch but I forgot the show is taped so she can’t hear me.

There’s lots of footage of her falling and laughing. Just so you can understand that there is a lot of footage of her falling and laughing, I needed to point that out again. You need to know that she falls a lot and laughs a lot. There’s just so much falling and laughing.

Holly talks about how perfect the date is. That’s good information for Blake in the future. If he wants to hit a home run on a future date, just tickle her and throw her down the Alps.

Bachelor Pad takes a break from the hilarious ski date to show Michael back at the Mansion, longing for his ex-fiance’ Holly. The music provided for this footage is touching. I think Michael hearts Holly almost as much as he hearts water. ABC manages to get him in front of the fireplace with his shirt off.

Back at the ski lodge, Holly stops laughing long enough to accept a rose from Blake. They spend the night at the lodge to talk and make out and fall and laugh. If they’re not careful, they’ll become a power couple. It’s like they didn’t even listen to Jake’s speech about power couples.

When Blake and Holly get home, Michael runs to pull Holly aside to tell her he loves her. He does that crying whisper talk thing he’s gotten so good at. The last word of every sentence is just a breath. I talked like that from the age of 8-to-12. I need a font to let my readers know which words I’m thinking and which words I’m whispering…. Because… I want you guys to know… that… I really care about you.

Holly admits she kissed Blake. Michael cries and whispers. I head down to the fridge to get a snack. I mean, I tell my wife that I was getting a snack but… I was really just standing behind the refrigerator door… crying.

The rose Ceremony is next. One girl and one guy are going home.

Casey mentions a guy name ‘Bill’ and I ask my wife, “Who is Bill?” We discuss it for a moment and then remember that there’s a guy named William on the show. He hasn’t said a word for 4 episodes.

Michael and Holly ignore everyone to have their own special, secret date. Michael wants to rekindle their love and form a couple. Hopefully, it won't be a power couple. As I write this, I realize that my Mom and Dad have been married for 50 years. They are a mega-power couple. I need to break up my parents before they destroy everything.

During the commercial break, there is a live reveal for the cast of the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Do you know how you act when a bug lands on your shirt? That’s how fast I swatted away that 3 minutes of hell. The Bachelor Pad is bad. Nothing will ever be worse than Dancing with the Stars.

The final verdict is in and Crazy Melissa goes home. Casey Mumbles has the line of the night after lying to Melissa about his vote, “I told Melissa that I voted for Erica because I seriously thought she was going to cut my bleeps off.”

The women send William home. They must have grown sick of his never saying anything ever.

Melissa takes the news well. She jams newspaper into the gas tank of the ABC limo and sets it on fire. The revolver she shoots into the air eventually runs out of bullets, so she grabs a boom mic from one of the crew members and beats him to death. The cast is obviously stunned by this. Michael becomes very emotional. He takes his rose… and places it on the body of the dead boom mic operator… because he was just doing his job… and he didn’t deserve this… and I’ll miss him.

Bachelor Pad Recap- Expanding my Capacity for Hate

2011-08-23T06:14:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a brief moment to thank ABC for eliminating co-host Melissa Raycroft from the show. In adding nothing, Melissa always managed to annoy me. I also found it absurd that anyone would think hosting the Bachelor Pad by himself was something that Chris Harrison couldn’t do.

There is a ton of drama this week on the Bachelor Pad.

Kirk/Kurt says it best, “The power couples are struggling!”

Did you know that America? Could you sense the struggling of the power couples?

Casey Mumbles and the dude Vienna are losing their control over the house. They’re hell-bent on getting Jake sent home. Jake, the pilot, continues to not fly planes.

Melisa is out of her mind and is screaming to anyone who will listen about Blake and his cheating ways. Blake, who admittedly doesn’t like Melisa, knows that his time on the Bachelor Pad is limited.

The immunity competition is a new low in the ABC catalog of crap. The group is required to learn and perform a synchronized swimming routine. A panel of judges was brought in to pick out the best boy and girl.

Viewers are treated to a 20 minute sequence of synchronized swim training. The guys all have their shirts off. The girls do not. I’m fading fast.

When practice is over, the bullets go into the gun. The panel of judges is announced. One is an Olympic judge or something. The other two are Dave and Natalie, the winners of last season’s Bachelor Pad. They are terrible people.

At one point during the competition, the horrid princess woman points out how big parts of Jake are and ABC provides us with a zoom in of that portion of Jake.

The women are terrible at synchronized swimming. The men are not. Michael gets the rose for the men. He’s a professional Break-dancer, so it’s not fair. Michelle Money got the rose for the women. She’s a professional slut. The winners get to choose three people to take on a pointless date.

Before the dates, the horrid princess woman jumps in a bed with Jake and they partner up. If these two ever mated, their children would come into the world holding straight razors and frothing at the mouth.

Then, Casey Mumbles and Vienna argue but I can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s so hard to constantly describe how much I hate these people. I feel like I use one paragraph to explain how putrid this horrid princess woman is, and then I’m onto the next paragraph explaining how bad Vienna is. It’s like a tennis match of hate.

Michelle takes 3 guys on her date. She chooses Graham, Casey Mumbles and Blake. They head to a vineyard.

First, there is a ton of pointless talking. If I tried to describe it to you, you would close this window and move on to a more interesting website. After the talking, Michelle makes out with Graham. ABC picks the perfect music for their make out session. It’s like Kenny G got really horny and high and someone was lucky enough to record it. Michelle gives Graham the rose because she likes the taste of his tongue. I think that, if Michelle Money actually had a heart, it would belong to Graham.

Michael gets three girls for his date. He takes Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly doesn’t want anything to do with Michael, even though he’s a cute break dancer. Michael is infatuated with Holly and will cry a lot for the next half hour.

The young lovers go horse-back riding. Holly says, “I personally love horses”. How else would you love them, professionally?

Michael and Holly spend time alone so she can make him cry. He does cry, America. There is a ton of soft piano played under his crying. He cries and talks about how lonely he feels sleeping alone. Then he does that crying whisper talk while telling Holly that she’s beautiful. Then they hug and he cries more. Then, Brett Michaels from Poison sits 6-feet in front of them and plays ‘Every Rose has its Thorn’ on his guitar and he cries. I’m not kidding about the Brett Michaels thing, by the way.

Brett Michaels talks to Michael and Holly about souls and relationships. I look around the room to make sure I’m not in hell.

Why does ABC think it’s such a good idea to have musical artists play in front of two people? It’s so incredibly uncomfortable. I would rather ride a bike with no seat down a mountain.

Back at the house, Melissa is hating Blake and he decides to pretend to like her again so he isn’t sent home. Melissa talks, but she is so far out of her mind that ABC has to put up subtitles. They agree to rub against each other again.

Blake and Jake (which totally rhymes) team up because they know they’re both on the chopping block. Jake is not really on the chopping block because the Produces wouldn’t let him get sent home if he murdered 8 people on camera.

Jake makes out with the horrid princess woman while her voiceover tells the audience how often she gets Botox injections. For a brief moment, she’s worse than Vienna.

Speaking of Vienna, Casey Mumbles gives her a promise ring for their 6-month anniversary and then sings to her. You need to hear Casey Mumbles sing. There is nothing funnier. Every Monty Python, Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielson movie combined is a zero on the comedic scale compared to Casey Mumbles singing.

For the 15 minutes after Casey sings, there’s a bunch of yelling and screaming. I hate everything on the show that isn’t Casey singing.

At the Rose Ceremony, Melissa cries and threatens to leave. She’s 6 kinds of crazy. Jake convinces her to stay so they can form an alliance.

Chris Harrison walks in to inform the group that all of the ladies are safe and that one man will be going home. They send Casey home. ABC treats the moment like the Sopranos finale.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Greg edits his own recaps. He wrote this at 1 a.m. and failed to comprehend that, by saying Casey's name, Chris Harrison actually sent Jake home. So Jake is eliminated, not Casey Mumbles. Thanks to Kelsey for pointing this out to me. I'm an idiot. None of this matters, but I should also at least get the correct name of the person sent home for anyone who reads down this far.

I’m not sure what you guys get out of these recaps but, I can’t be delivering. This is some awful television. Thank you for reading this, but I would completely understand if you not only stop reading but also sent a letter to Entercom, asking that I be fired.

It should be pointed out how disgusting Vienna looked throughout this entire episode.

Update on Bean Bag Face and Jackie: Lindsay from promotions (who would be so much better at writing these recaps than me) has informed me that Bean Bag Face and Jackie are no longer together. Lindsay suspects that the whole scene of Bean running after Jackie’s limo to be with her forever was a ploy by ABC to make Bean more attractive to viewers as the next Bachelor. I would love it if Bean Bag Face was the next Bachelor. Any season crawling with Magnolia trees is a good season.

Bachelor Pad Recap- Bean Bag Face Finds Love!

2011-08-16T09:12:00.001-07:00

ABC takes their foot off of the gas a bit to give us all a break. Bachelor Pad is only 2 hours this week.

Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.

Jake takes a lot of time to explain that he’s not a jerk. (He’s been doing that for years.)

There’s a lot going on here, people. Try to keep up.

We start off the week with a challenge; ‘Target on your Back’.

Half the group wears blindfolds while the other half throws eggs at them. This show tears down all boundaries.

Everyone wants to win because, if they don’t, they’re on the chopping block. I forgot how much the phrase ‘chopping block’ was used. I’ll bet butchers hate Bachelor Pad.

Casey is wearing a T-shirt this week with ‘Jenious’ written on it.

Chris Harrison directs where the paint-filled eggs will be thrown by asking random dumb questions like, “Who do you think is the least attractive?” and “Who do you want to leave?” No one throws eggs at Chris Harrison. It doesn’t really matter who you hit with the egg, as long as you hit someone. The game is as stupid as Casey Mumbles. Mellisa wins and has immunity.

Princess woman is hideous.

When it’s the guys turn to throw, everyone threw eggs at her. This show is stupid, but it was fun to watch this hideous woman get pegged with eggs for 15 minutes. She just stood there, blindfolded, feeling exactly how she’s made everyone she’s ever met feel her entire life. She’s even being awful to people while explaining how terrible she felt while being singled out for being awful.

(Editor’s Note: Greg doesn’t know any other words aside from ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ but, to be fair, these are the only two words you really need to describe these people.)

Michael, the break dancer guy, won the immunity rose for the men. He and Melissa bring a bunch of people on a date and I feel stupider for each word of this recap I type.

For the group date, ABC sends our diseased friends to a haunted house. Michael says it best, “It’s the scariest date in Bachelor history”. Michael, Hideous Princess, Michelle Money and Holly are heading to spookyville. Remember readers, MICHAEL AND HOLLY USED TO BE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!!!!111!!!1ELEVENTY

I should note that it’s very hard for Michelle Money to be in a room full of people and not be the most awful person, but this is the case when the ugly princess is around.

“Abandoned asylums and hospitals are my least favorite places”, Michael says to set the mood for stupidity. ABC busts out the night vision goggles to give us that annoying ‘Blair Witch’ sensation. Of course, these broads are wearing 4 inch heels while marching through the haunted halls of Vanerbloom mansion.

Michelle Money and Holly talk about relationships. I check out mentally for a while. When I rejoin the program, Michelle Money and Michael are talking about relationships. I cry a little. Michael gives the rose to Holly BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!11111!!!

They spend some extra time on the roof of the haunted mansion because it’s super romantic. There’s a lot of talking. Michael admits that he’s still in love with Holly and starts crying. And, when he starts crying, Holly starts crying and when Holly starts crying, I start crying and now everyone is crying. The Bachelor Pad makes me feel so smart. When I’m watching the Bachelor Pad, I’m a Mechanical Engineer.

I drifted off again and Michael and Holly are still talking and crying. I’ve had meals that ended quicker than this scene. I’m suddenly watching one of the Twilight movies. Holy cow, I’m typing and he’s still crying. Michael is like Dick Vermeil. If you’re reading this and don’t get that reference, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

We’re back from a break and Bean Bag Face and Jackie are making out. If you’re reading this and don’t know who Bean Bag Face is, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

Melissa’s date is next. She takes Casey Mumbles, Blake the Dentist and Kirk or Kurt, I can’t remember. It’s a K-name. I like Melissa. She probably throws things out of her window while she drives, but she comes across as nice on TV. They go out on a boat and jump into the ocean. There’s not much more I can embellish about the date. That’s what they do.

Back at the house, Jake has realized that everyone hates him so he’s going to ask Vienna to help him survive the Bachelor Pad. If you could only hear the music ABC plays while Jake is walking up to ask Vienna for help. It’s the kind of music you would hear if someone was stealing the Mona Lisa.

They take a break and then replay the same 4 minutes again of Jake asking Vienna to go outside. Vienna says, “No”. Then, the women of the house are left to debate what the rest of America is debating, “Who is the bad one, Vienna or Jake?” The answer, America, is ‘both’.

We’re back on the boat and Blake the Dentist and Melissa are making out. Blake doesn’t like Melissa, but he wants to win a quarter of a million dollars. Blake admits to the camera that he’s a whore. My wife cries out, “You’re a jerk too!” Bachelor Pad Producers, you’ve done your homework!

The smooching worked. Melissa gives Blake a rose, even after promising it to Casey Mumbles. I’m just as shocked as you. I wasn’t even going to write a recap tonight, but I was so outraged by what Melissa did to Casey Mumbles.

Melissa and Blake make out a little more before the commercial.

When we get back from the break, Blake is caught hanging out with Holly while Melissa walks in, expecting more lovin’ from the dentist. Holy Love Triangle! Melissa is obviously hurt, but she can’t do anything about it. She already gave Blake a rose. Now, Melissa is bawling and I remember how crazy she is. Everyone is crazy and crying. I have a headache.

“She’s on this island of serenity, and I just want to get on a rowboat and row out to this island, but I can’t because this typhoon of Melissa keeps knocking me over.”- quote by Blake about Holly.

“The way to win this game is to take out the Power Couples!” – words of wisdom from Gia about Bachelor Pad. It’s like Vince Lombardi was reincarnated into a hot, dumb broad.

Gia and some dude plot to break up Casey Mumbles and Vienna and send them home. I wish you guys could see Bulldog’s face while he reads these recaps. Don’t worry. He doesn’t read down this far, so I’m safe mentioning it.

We’re back from commercial and it’s almost over. It’s the elimination ceremony. Jake tries again to talk to Vienna and she accepts that invitation. Casey Mumbles is there for the begging session. The freak-show couple just yells at Jake and, in so many words, they tell him that they won’t be helping him stay on the Bachelor Pad. It’s an annoying exchange of words. The music, again, makes it seem like it’s the most important thing that has ever happened.

Casey Mumbles and Vienna make out some more. It’s as sexually enticing as watching armadillos mate, not that I watch armadillos mate… much.

Chris Harrison earns his keep with a group interview to “get the vibe in the house”.

Vienna yells at Chris Harrison and ABC for making her see Jake again. Harrison tells her that, if she doesn’t like it, she should get in a cab and go home.

Then he tells the group that no men are going home, only two women. It’s jaw-droppingly ohmygoodnessly amazingly shocking!

Vienna freaks out and threatens to go home. She’s uglier than sin, by the way. Vienna doesn’t go home, so it’ll come down to a vote.

Casey Mumbles talks to Gia and I don’t understand a word he says. Luckily, Gia speaks ‘Mumble’ and gets really upset. Gia threatens to walk off of the show. Then, they run over to a group of people and there’s shouting, and I can’t understand any of it.

Gia goes to pack her bags. She’s an underwear model, but there isn’t an underwear model in this world hot enough to make me want to put up with that much stupidity.

Chris Harrison stops Gia at the gate to make sure she’s ready to throw her chances at the cash away. She’s ready. Bye-bye, Gia. You’re hot and dumb.

With Gia’s departure, only one person is sent home at the end. It’s Jackie I gasped. Bean Bag Face and Jackie are in love. Now, they’ll be torn apart. But, Bean Bag Face is so super-romantic that he leaves the show and runs off to the limo as Jackie is driving away. I love Bean Bag Face.

Ella puts it best, “They’re gonna make babies and I’m going to love it!”

Then, Bean Bag Face puts it even better, “I think we just won Bachelor Pad 2.”
You said it, Bean Bag Face. You said it.

(Side Note: I would like to say that this show is fixed if a plastic, horrible woman who everyone threw eggs at for being horrible is not given one cast-off vote. Everyone threw their eggs at the Princess witch when Chris Harrison asked who should be sent home. Then, 3 hours later, there isn't one word mentioned about her being voted off.)

As the group turns away from the limo, transporting Jackie and Bean Bag Face to the nearest Magnolia tree, the camera turns to the Princess-witch who is feeding straight from a live Golden Retriever puppy’s neck. The blood sprays everywhere. The Bachelor Pad crew tries to rip the puppy from her hands but she holds it above her head and screams out something in Latin. The ground around her feet starts on fire. She devours the puppy whole while cackling laughter. I’m glad I stayed up to watch the end.

Greg Bauch Likes This

2011-08-12T23:55:00.001-07:00

Greg Bauch likes this.

I Snore. I Don't Kill Kittens

2011-08-12T22:05:00.001-07:00

The problem with snoring is the amount of hate in your loving wife's eyes as she pushes you awake with the fury or a Kraken. (Or a thousand Krakens if you want to sound like a blind witch)

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just sleeping.

This woman, whose voice could normally calm an attack dog, viciously wakes me out of a sound sleep by elbowing me in the small of the back and yelling, "Greg! Roll over!"

Now, it's up to you, the reader, to make that quote sound like Bobby Knight yelling at an official.

She's really mad at me and I've done nothing wrong.

I understand why she's mad, I guess. She's just trying to fall asleep and there's a guy next to her making a noise that, I can only imagine, sounds like a running chainsaw being scraped across a chain-link fence.

What I don't understand is how she never gets used to this sound. I could eventually learn to sleep on an aircraft carrier tarmac if I had to. It would probably take me a week. She's had 12 years. My L-4 disc is permanently dislodged from the 'People's Elbow' applied nightly.

I think I now know what it must be like to be a spider. You're just minding your own business, being a spider, when my wife walks into the room and screams and then sends me in to kill you with toilet paper.

It's a hard life for me and spiders. We're just being us.

Maybe next time I'm sent to kill a spider, I'll just palm it and throw it into her gaping mouth as she sleeps. Then, when she wakes up screaming, I'll elbow her in the back.

I should be a marriage counselor.

Bachelor Pad Recap- Please Don't Read This

2011-08-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

This world is full of egregious injustices; the cost of fountain pop at movie theatres, blacked out Pittsburgh Pirate games in Buffalo, Blues Brothers 2000. No criminal enterprise can top ABC and the punishing 3 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE THEY ROLLED OUT MONDAY NIGHT!

3 hours is a prison sentence. My brother Donny was grounded for less than 3 hours when shot a cap gun at our Chihuahua until it jumped off of the top porch of our South Buffalo home. (Editor’s note: the dog survived without a scrape and lived an additional 14 years.) Why is ABC doing this to me? I didn’t shoot a dog. I’m a good person.

Nonetheless, ABC hates me and rolled out a 3-hour botox-fest Monday night. I promised my readers that I would not watch the Bachelor Pad and certainly would not recap the Bachelor Pad. My wife worked super late Monday night so the Bachelor Pad wasn’t even on in the house. I could have done anything. I could have watched Baseball or put on giant pants and gone shoplifting. Instead, I watch the Bachelor Pad and am now recapping it.

It’s quite clear, at this point, that I enjoy doing this.

For those who are new to the Bachelor Pad, leave. For those of you still here, the Bachelor Pad is a completely unoriginal game show, featuring former contestants of ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’. Very much like ‘Survivor’, they play games and contestants connive and deceive to avoid being voted out of the house. I should correct one part in my last sentence. It’s not “very much” like ‘Survivor’. It’s “exactly” like ‘Survivor’.

The last person remaining gets $250,000 and a scorching Venereal disease.

The cast of the Bachelor Pad can best be described as ‘Pond Scum’. With 3 hours, ABC has plenty of time to shape the drama of the upcoming season. They start by introducing the cast. Here are most of the Hoochies:

Rated R- the completely unintimidating Canadian Wrestler.

Jackie- Former attractive contestant during Brad’s season. She was dumped in Costa Rica. There are worse places to be dumped.

Michelle Money- the biggest whore since Gomorra.

Gia- Insanley hot/stupid woman.

Vienna- inside and out, the ugliest woman on planet Earth. And, that’s only because I haven’t been to other planets.

Casey Mumbles- dating Vienna. I need to learn a new language to double the words I can use to describe how hilarious this is.

Nice Guy- from the season that ended hours ago. He made Ashley cry during a Roast so I don’t hate him yet.

Bean Bag Face- I really like Bean Bag Face and am sad that he went on Bachelor Pad. I doubt that there will be poems about Magnolia trees coming out of his Bean-Bag face during this train wreck.

Erica- I don’t remember her. She’s apparently, a princess. She’s trying hard to be hated but I just feel sorry for her. She’s incredibly ugly and plastic and she couldn’t finish a crossword puzzle with the answers.

Graham- I think he plays basketball. He was on Diana’s season. Diana is awful too. There are just so many truly horrible people from this franchise.

Ella- Nice girl. Don’t hate her yet. Luckily, this show is 3 hours long so there’s time.

Holly- Was engaged to Michael, also on this season of the Bachelor Pad. Hello drama!

First commercial break previews an upcoming ABC venture called ‘THE CHEW’?! From what I could gather before my brain shut down, it’s like ‘The View’ but they’re eating. I think they’re running out of coke in California.

We’re back to the Bachelor Pad action. The season is young but, already, no one is going to top Michelle Money’s quote- “Being here now is blowing my mind, literally.” I need to go back to High School to make that my yearbook quote.

The party starts with the cast of tasties getting out of their limo to congregate and be awful. Vienna is upset because Jake’s here and he verbally abused her during their 2-week engagement. Casey has been dating Vienna and has also been doing push-ups, so he wants to beat up Jake. Gia hates Vienna because Gia fell in love with Country music guy Wes… and Vienna dated him for a while. Michael and Holly were engaged so they’ll cry every week when their former fiancés rub abs with strangers.

So far so good? There are only 2 and a half hours left.

Vienna looks even worse with short hair. I wouldn't have thought you could slam her in the face with a rake and she would look worse, but I guess that anything is possible. Kevin Garnett was right.

When bringing up the time Vienna and Jake broke off their engagement on National TV, Chris Harrison says to Vienna, “Just between you and me, that was a terrible night.” I’m pretty sure that is just between Chris, Vienna and the millions of people watching.

Casey Mumbles' opening limo interview with Chris Harrison is a 10-out-of-10 on the comedy scale. I can never understand a word he says. Harrison just interrupts him and says, “Hey good luck.”

Rated G hates Casey because they had friction during their season. I should remind readers that Casey Mumbles got a tattoo on his wrist for Ali Fedotowsky 20 minutes before being dumped in Europe.

Holly has immediately fallen in love with Blake because he’s cute and… we have a new quote leader already... “He uses really big words like dysfunctional”. I never thought that Michelle Money’s ‘literal’ quote would be topped but it took 17 minutes. This show is record-breaking.

Former Bachelor extraordinaire Jake shows up in the limo and ABC gives him his own uber-dramatic music. They’re acting like the audience is going to be surprised when he steps out, but they’ve been plugging his infuriating television comeback for weeks.

Jake has all of the charm and charisma of a hornet’s nest. He’s talking a big game about how he’s going to clean up on this season. Normally, I wouldn’t give a person this awful much of a chance on a show that was basically a popularity contest but, everyone is awful so he might just be normal.

My chest is beginning to hurt so I’m going to skip a little bit.

I pick things up at the half way point and Casey Mumbles and Vienna are hanging out by the pool and talking about their relationship. I can’t understand Vienna because she’s crying. I can’t understand Casey because someone stuffed a wash cloth into his mouth when he was 7 and no one has retrieved it yet.

Jake and Jackie go on a date. I’m angry because I thought there’d be more pie eating. While they’re on their date, people get in groups at the Bachelor mansion and plot strategy. It’s hilarious watching these mental juggernauts do math.

Jake and Jackie are walking out in public. Some little girl is bawling her eyes out because she’s in love with Jake. He stops and talks to her to show what a nice guy he really is. As soon as the camera turns away, he beats her.

They eat dinner on the roof of a theatre or something. I already can’t stand how much talking there is on this show. Jake gets a rose somehow. I wasn’t paying attention. I guess he’s immune to going home. There is no way that wasn’t planned by the producers.

The next day, Jake apologizes to Vienna for their failed engagement. He gives Vienna his rose. She goes into the other room to make out with Casey Mumbles, followed by night-vision footage of them having sex in the mansion.

I’m exhausted.

ABC holds a cocktail party so bad people can stab each other in the back before getting voted out of the house. I am unable to follow the fake drama. There is just so much talking.

Jake and Jackie are immune. I’m confused.

13 other people get to stay. Rated G and Ally are sent home. I’m happy because I still get to look at Gia. I’m sad because I still have to hear her talk. Rated G steals Jake’s rose and runs into the limo.

I think we all learned an important lesson tonight. I should have watched baseball.

Bachelorette Recap- Sweet Merciful Lord It's Over

2011-08-02T11:55:00.001-07:00

I feel like Andy Dufresne, emerging from the Shawshank Prison sewage tunnel and falling out into freedom.

No more Ashley H.

It’s finally over.

The worst season of the worst show aired a final episode last night. Ashley chose a guy from her 25 boyfriends and they’ll probably get married on T.V. in a ceremony I’ll never watch. Of course, he’s already cheating on her if you believe the magazine covers you read while waiting in line at Wegmans.

ABC flies J.P. and Josh Groban to Fiji to meet Ashley's parents and then get dumped or engaged. There is a ton of crying and a ton of tattoos. Let’s recap this thing and be done with Ashley forever.

J.P. is first up to meet the family. He admits to everyone that he’s “smitten” with Ashley. They all laugh and toast the happy couple.

Then, Ashley’s sister Krysie pulls her aside to tell her that J.P. is not the guy for her.

Attention whoring runs in the H. family. Ashley’s tattooed sister Krysie had an agenda and that was to take her 15 minutes of fame and hammer it out into her own horrible reality TV show. She just outright tells her sister that she’d be miserable if she married J.P. Ashley cries for 10 minutes and speaks incoherently.

Krysie doesn’t want her sister to make another bad decision. If only someone were there for Krysie to give her this advice when she tattooed a giant Geisha to her left arm.

Ashley’s brother pulls Ashley aside to listen to her cry for 10 minutes. He says one word.

Krysie gets together with J.P. She lays into J.P. and basically tells him that he’s not right for her sister. She says that she doesn’t have a good feeling about J.P. and she saw more of a connection between Ashley and Brad Womack when he visited the H. family.

I’ll be honest, I don’t remember this flake from the Brad season but I have a good feeling that she knew that no one remembered her and she was going to make damn sure that America remembered her this time. J.P. does a good job of not punching her in the teeth. He clearly wanted to punch her judging by the look on his face.

J.P. is all sorts of confused and tells the producers that he loves Ashley but isn’t ready to propose. (FORESHADOWING!)

No one is that mean to their sister. ABC paid that girl to act like the devil. ABC is paying everyone. Did you guys get your check from ABC yet?

Josh Groban is up next to meet the H’s. Tattoo basically tells Ashley beforehand that she’s determined not to like Josh Groban too.

Ashley calls her a bitch right in time for ABC to play dramatic piano music over the sound of two sisters screaming at each other. It’s like a Disney movie. I hate this woman.

Josh Groban wins over Ashley’s family right off the bat. He’s super goofy and fun. I can’t even stand it. Ashley makes Josh Groban stand up in front of everyone and do the cute voice he uses to talk to his dog. Josh Groban says ‘no’. Ashley eventually annoys him enough to make him do his cute ‘doogie’ voice. Ashley joins in with her cute ‘doogie’ voice. Acid burns a hole into my stomach wall.

I feel so bad for their dogs.

Krysie pulls Josh Groban aside to grill him. In a stunning turn of events… SHE LIKES HIM AND IS TOTALLY COOL!

I wish Krysie had an offensive tattoo on her arm so ABC would have made her wear one of those arm-socks that the NBA made Allen Iverson wear.

Ashley and Josh Groban get a helicopter ride. ABC is just setting money on fire at this point to salvage the season. They land near a hot springs pit to rub mud all over each other. This is the third or fourth time the Bachelor people have put contestants in healing mud pits. I’m not very good at coming up with ideas for romantic dates as evidenced by the time I took my wife to a mall arcade and made her watch me play Gauntlet for 2 hours, but I think I could do better than healing mud pits for the 4^th time.

The mud looks relaxing until you think about how bad it must smell.

Josh Groban then takes Ashley to his Hotel Room, but they didn’t get a card from Chris Harrison giving them permission to have sex on TV so they just talk for 5 long minutes that I’ll never get back. Josh Groban admits to Ashley that he has fallen in love with her.

He says that he never expected to find love in a million years. I don’t understand that. Didn’t the 25 guys come on the show to find love? Do you go to Mighty Taco and act surprised to find tacos? You can’t go on the Bachelorette and be surprised to find love. That’s like planning a vacation to Montana and having a flight attendant say, “Welcome to Montana.” And then you’re all, “Why am I in Montana?”

They whisper to each other and make out on the bed. Again, I couldn’t imagine being a camera man on this show. What if you farted while they were sharing a life-changing moment? What if the flames of their passion took over and they just started procreating? Would you stop taping if they forgot to ask you to leave? Would you try to join in? I got a degree in Broadcasting from Buff State but they never taught you this important information. No wonder it’s a Division III school.

Ashley gets more 1-on-1 time with J.P. the next day. She seems reserved and skeptical. Ashley tells the camera that she wishes she knew if J.P. was serious. J.P. finally tells her that he loves her and she’s all smiles.

It’s clear at this point that Ashley is choosing J.P. but didn’t want to get dumped again. She knew Josh Groban loved her so, if J.P. didn’t use the ‘L’ word, she would have gone with Josh Groban. I just called love “the L word”, but the ‘L’ word might be “lesbian”. Is ”love”’ also an ‘L’ word? Did I just say that J.P. is in lesbian with Ashley?

J.P. gives Ashley a book with pictures and notes. They show the note as Ashley begins to read it and it’s an entire page. Of course, she spends the 12 minutes to read it because this show has no content. I’m miserable.

Josh Groban and J.P. both go to pick out engagement rings the next day. Josh Groban is the only contestant who they show leaving with a ring. That is because ABC thinks we’re stupid. You know at this point that it’s J.P. but they’re trying desperately to make the end interesting by leaving a shred of doubt over whether or not J.P. proposes.

Ashley wakes up the next morning and walks on the beach to think about her men. Then she puts on a dress made out of feathers to dump a guy and get engaged to another. ABC also captures the important moment where J.P. washes his face and puts on his pants.

They fly the guys in on little planes. Josh Groban steps out first to get dumped. He doesn’t allow Ashley to speak and just barrels into his marriage proposal. Ashley says ‘No’. Josh Groban gets pissed. It’s pretty funny. I’ve never seen a dumped Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant so angry before.

He basically says, “Later!” and walks away. ABC makes him leave on a rowboat, just to make sure he has zero dignity left.

Ashley cries a ton.

J.P. is the next to fly in. Ashley has a super good poker face and runs up to hug him. J.P. takes 7 minutes to propose marriage. I try to think about how many Bills linemen I can name in my head. I get to Pears and he’s still proposing. I hate this show.

They make out for 7 more minutes. Then, ABC rolls out the footage of their boring journey set to REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. I’m pretty sure that it’s REO Speedwagon. If it’s not, please don’t bother telling me. I don’t care. To me, all bad music is REO Speedwagon. It is the perfect song to explain their pointless love.

If you think I’m recapping the next hour of ‘After the Final Rose’, you’re on crack. I won’t do it. There was way too much ‘Ashley’ talking to recap. They did not name the next Bachelor. I’m sure it’ll be Josh Groban. They just replayed the entire season over again while a live studio audience of 400 lonely women claps uncontrollably.

I don’t think I can recap the Bachelor Pad either. I hate it. I think I need the rest of the summer off. I’m considering retirement from these awful recaps.

I am so happy that Ashley is out of my life that I’m going to celebrate Tuesday night. Does anyone know where I can find an arcade with Gauntlet?

Bachelorette Recap- Men Tell All

2011-08-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I’d like to take a minute before I recap ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All’ episode to apologize to my readers. There may be some poor folks out there who stumbled upon this blog, read about the awful things happening on ABC and decided to tune in to see if the Bachelorette could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to mankind. I could not be sorrier for contributing, in any way, to the suffering you endured Sunday night.

Every week, I tell people that this show could not get worse and, every week, I look more and more foolish for setting the bar so low. This show is an avalanche of disgrace. It started out as bad and rolled down a mountain, collecting bits and pieces of dog feces along the way, and amassed into a dung ball big enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Those pools are huge.

I still fear things could get worse. So, I guess I’m sorry to have a hand in your time spent watching this show which could have been better spent in fire.

ABC was cruel enough to charge me into two blogs in one week, but kind enough to rip off the band aid in one swoop and get Ashley H. out of my life for good. It’s worth it. Monday night is the season finale. I’ve never been more excited to waste 3 hours of my life.

Sunday night was the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. That is where they bring back all of your favorite contestants from the season and give them one last chance to remind you why you hate them.

We begin the episode the way ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette begins every episode; rolling out footage you’ve already seen a thousand times. This show is brilliant. They’re either showing old footage or previewing footage to come. There is no present tense on the Bachelorette. It’s some sort of Paradox.

Chris Harrison sits down for a painful taped interview with Ashley. I have absolutely no idea why they taped an interview with Ashley and aired it an hour before a live interview with Ashley. We are treated to some highlights from the season, like Ashley and Nice Guy’s hilarious fake wedding (my intestinal walls are still bleeding from laughing over that super spoof!), Ashley dumping Ryan after he talked about tankless water heaters and the Mask guy who was paid by ABC to be on the show and captured the interest of no one. I love these trips down memory lane.

In an effort to lighten things up, Chris Harrison rolled out the blooper reel with footage the audience had never seen. My wife was so excited over this exclusive content that she fired a pistol in the air. The bloopers were classic. Ashley and Bean Bag Face ate crickets, Ashley and Josh Groban ate rice and then Ashley bought drugs from an undercover police officer. Oops! What a season!

Having no talent or creative content, ABC then whipped out a 10-minute preview of their ‘Bachelor Pad’ show. It’s all of the awfulness of the Bachelor with twice the mortal sin. I do not want to recap ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t even have a boss anymore. I should be swearing throughout this blog.

We were a half-hour into the ‘Men Tell All’ episode before any one ‘Man’ told ‘All’. They finally trotted out the guys. ABC was sure to include the Mask guy and Tim, the guy who got hammered during the first show and fell asleep in a chair before they stuffed him into a limo and sent him home. Tim was slightly easier to understand Sunday night. I’m pretty sure he had still been drinking. Plus, he had a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ on his bicep.

Mask guy talked for two seconds. Nick, the Soul Patch personal trainer guy had something to say about everyone in a desperate attempt to be on camera as much as possible.

Chris Harrison brought Nice Guy down to sit in the hot seat so he could relive being cruel to Ashley during the ‘Celebrity Roast’ episode. Get this! They showed the footage! This show is like a prison sentence, complete with shower beatings. Somewhere on the Shark Week channel, a Great White is jumping out of the water and killing something. I do love how, when they show Nice guy being mean, they cut to a shot of two women in the studio audience shaking their heads disapprovingly. The only redeeming value of the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes is the audience shots of lonely women with leathery skin and disapproving frowns.

Chris Harrison brought Ryan down to the hot seat so they could show more footage from the season. Then, he brought Bean Bag Face down to the hot seat so they could show more footage. My wife grabbed the remote TWICE to fast-forward. This season has hit new lows. I hope Ashley has cost ABC millions because her season has been the least interesting. ABC even hired guys to come on the show and add drama and the ploy failed.

Speaking of which, Bentley was mentioned plenty of times. Bentley is the paid actor who made Ashley fall in love with him and then said horrible things behind her back to make America hate him. ABC made it appear as if he were coming on the ‘Men Tell All’ episode to be confronted by Ashley’s 15 jealous boyfriends, but he wasn’t on the show. That might have actually been relevant.

They did bring Ashley out to talk all about it which helped nothing. Also, Michelle Money, the 4^th worst person on Earth, stepped out of the studio audience to tell America how she knew all along that Bentley was bad. Michelle is going to be on the Bachelor Pad. So is Vienna the Dude, Jake the Pilot and Rated ‘R’ the Canadian Wrestler. Who could possibly still be reading this recap?

Just when the show could not get worse, Chris Harrison introduced 3 of Ashley’s Bachelor buddies to join the fun; Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky. I’m not into apocalyptic predictions but, when the Supreme Being decides to reduce our planet to ash, it will be because Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnik and Ali Fedotowsky are sitting on a couch telling Chris Harrison about the roller coaster ride of falling in love on a Reality T.V. show. As soon as the segment started, I duct taped Cling wrap over my windows and started to scavenge for canned goods.

I’d really love to tell you what these people said but they’re all just so awful that I couldn’t listen. I was deathly afraid that one small ounce of knowledge they passed down to Ashley would seep into my brain and I would somehow accidentally pass that trinket onto a loved one.

I did hear them giving Ashley credit for how she finally wised up and dumped Bentley after she found out that he was no good. They were nice enough to leave out the part about how Ashley never dumped Bentley. He came back and she begged him to tell her that she wasn’t ugly and then he dumped her for a second time. There was no clarity. That woman would jump into a volcano to retrieve a tissue that Bentley had just discarded. She has no self-esteem.

ABC ended the show with more… hilarious… I’m sorry. ABC ended….

Sorry. I’m fine now. Seriously….

ABC ended….

ABC ended…. They….

ABC ended the show with more hilarious bloopers. There I got it out. Sorry. I was totally laughing, like, a ton just thinking about the bloopers. You guys! You gotta see these bloopers. It’s just nuts. Then, they previewed Monday’s finale for 10 minutes because that’s what bad TV shows do!

Hope you liked my recap and I hope you never watch a single second of ABC programming. Stay in school.

Here is a link to last week's recap

wgr550.com/pages/10455147.php

Bachelorette Recap- Filthy in Fiji

2011-07-26T09:22:00.001-07:00

Three of the worst episodes remain in this season of the Bachelorette . This is like biking 1,000 miles in the Tour de France and finding out that you now get to start climbing the mountains.

I hate Ashley H. and the three remaining men on the show. ABC also tells us right off the bat that one of the old contestants is coming back.
(Please don’t let it be Mickey.)

The group flies to Fiji so that Ashley can have sex with the guys and then dump one of them. There is very little actual content remaining on the show so ABC spends a lot of time recapping the same crap we’ve already seen. It’s not fair. I have no content to write about but I don’t repeat myself and, I never repeat myself, ever. I always keep things fresh and never repeat stuff. Even last paragraph, I wrote about one of the contestants coming back. Do you guys remember that? I wrote about how one of the contestants is coming back.
We begin our journey with Ryan coming back to stalk Ashley. I’d love to go on about how he’s a stalker and a psycho but there’s no way ABC didn’t put him up to this. This show is a miracle. They have zero respect for their viewers. I am glad that Ryan is back because he never finished extolling the benefits of tankless water heaters. People really do need to be aware of tankless water heaters. My computer doesn’t even recognize ‘tankless’ as a word.

Ryan begs Ashley to take him back. Ashley hears him out with a lot of head nodding. It’s clear that she’s a bit freaked out by his return. He gives her his room number in Fiji and asks her to think things over. Then he goes outside so cameras can capture him thinking by a waterfall.

Ashley’s first date in Fiji is with Ben. She thinks about Ben on a pier. And I know what you guys are thinking. You’re thinking, “How do you know she’s thinking about Ben on a pier?” Well guys, they showed her on a pier and she was thinking and then you heard a voice over of Ashley talking about Ben. She was either thinking about Ben or it was all a huge coincidence.

Ben and Ashley go on a boat. Ben declares that he is a more ‘open and emotional Ben’. I noticed it. I’m glad he did. Ashley begs Ben to put lotion on her back. Then, he rubs some on her boob. Then, they have sex on National Television. I wonder if there’s someone watching this show in a Hospital Emergency Waiting room. Think of how awkward it would be to bring in your 8-year old with a 104 degree temperature to the E.R. and then the Bachelorette teaches them what sex is. Maybe it would be convenient.

Ben and Ashley do some snorkeling. The Pirates are playing the Braves on ESPN right now. They’re in first place and I’m watching two idiots snorkeling.

When they’re done snorkeling, they eat outside with, I’m guessing, 5 million flies. Ben tells Ashley that he’s falling in love with her because he’d like to be the next Bachelor after their 3-month relationship. At the very least, I’ll bet he’d like to get on the Bachelor Pad. He’s halfway through telling her that he loves her, but he chickens out and goes in for a kiss.

Ashley busts out the Fantasy Suite card. If you’ve never seen the Bachelor/Bachelorette before, when there are only 3 contestants left, they each get a hotel room with the main slut to bump and grind. They don’t bring the cameras into the bedroom to film carnal acts, but they do tape about 40 minutes of make outs and pool groping. It’s uncomfortable.

Ashley’s next date is with the other Josh Groban. Josh Groban has been moving much slower than J.P. and Josh Groban. Ashley is concerned that they’re running out of time to connect.
Their date begins with a helicopter ride and it’s about damn time. There has been almost no helicopter action this season.

Their helicopter flies over Ryan, standing on a coral reef. It has been a couple of days and Ryan hasn’t heard from Ashley. He’s so lucky.

Josh Groban and Ashley jump off of a waterfall. Ashley equates the action with the leap that one takes falling in love. It’s not entirely accurate because it’s very hard to catch a venereal disease jumping off of a waterfall.

Ashley and Josh Groban are eating dinner. Ashley begs Josh Groban to tell her that he loves her. He talks about how he’s kind of just hanging out. Ashley again inquires about his level of interest in her. Josh Groban begins his “I’m about to dump you” speech. Just as Josh Groban is about to dump her, President Barack Obama interrupts the show to tell America that we all need to start growing our own food. It’s a 15-minute cliff hanger. I’m mad because I was really into Josh Groban dumping Ashley. Luckily, ABC assures us that we’ll see the dumping in its entirety.

We return mid-dumping and Josh Groban pulls a thumbs-up “I’m outskie!” Ashley takes the dumping quite well for a woman with no self-esteem. She cuts herself under the table.

The next day, Ashley shows up at Ryan’s hotel because producers needed to fill the 20-minute hole that was reserved for Ashley and Josh Groban’s Fantasy Suite pool escapade. Ashley admits to Ryan that Josh Groban went home last night, but she says that Josh Groban went home because they both felt like the relationship was going nowhere. She tries to play it off like it was some mutual revelation. As I recall, Ashley begged Josh Groban to show an interest in her for an hour, and then he got sick of her face and left. I hope she sees how stupid she looks watching that back.

Ryan asks to get back on the show but Ashley declines the invitation. Ryan cries again. He talks to the camera about how much he needs someone in his life. He says, “It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” The Pirates are up 2-0 on the Braves in the 4^th. Also, our country doesn’t have any money. It’s been a busy night.

Ashley has her final date of the night with J.P. They take a plane to an island. They were already on a beautiful island, but ABC decided they needed to take a plane to a different island. This is why our country doesn’t have any money. We could have used that cash to make a few hundred car engines.

J.P. and Ashley play on the beach and he laments the fact that his girlfriend is humping other guys in Fantasy Suite pools. Then, they make out in the ocean. It may have been a lagoon. This show never ends. At one point, they’re kissing in the water and we watch the passion from a camera in the water. ABC threw some waders on a poor camera guy and made him hold a 200-pound camera in the middle of the ocean. It’s like they don’t have zoom lenses. They need to get a shot right over J.P.’s shoulder as he jams his tongue down Ashley’s throat. I wish so badly that the President would interrupt us with a report about a planet-destroying comet.

J.P. and Ashley eat dinner outside. He says that it’s the most romantic setting. Clearly, he didn’t hear about Bean Bag Face’s theory on Magnolia trees.

J.P. tells the camera that he’s in love with Ashley but he’s not ready to tell her yet. I know that I’ve been watching this show for one hundred seasons and I’m not ready to hear it. Ashley tells J.P. that she’s already sent two guys home. J.P. gets excited because he thinks he’s now the only dude left. Silly Ashley was just having some fun, though. She reveals that Ryan came back and was sent home to fill 20 minutes of programming. They have a good laugh together.

When they’re done eating, they go to their hotel room to have sex. I could not be an ABC camera guy. They have to stand in these Fantasy Suite rooms and get up close to a man straddling a woman. I’m uncomfortable watching from my living room, I can’t imagine being 8-feet away and hearing all of the noises.

The three dates are over and there are still 30 minutes left in this sink hole. It must be time for a Chris Harrison interview. The jerk explains to the portion of the audience with no short-term memory what they just watched.

Then Chris Harrison points out that there are two guys left and two roses, but they’re still having a Rose Ceremony. He asks “Why?”
I raise my hand at home and say, “Because there is no content in this soulless venture that has gone 8 seasons too long!” Ashley interrupts my answer and talks about how important the fake rose ceremony will be to give the guys another chance to dump her. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s exactly what she says. She says that she wants to give the two remaining contestants one last chance to dump her. I know I just repeated myself, but I need to be clear on this. Ashley, a woman dumped about 4 times this season, wants to give her final two contestants another chance to dump her. I thought America had problems.

Ashley starts off the Rose Ceremony by telling the truth about being dumped by the other Josh Groban. Then, she begs one of the guys to dump her. Both men decline to do so. They must be drugged.

A quick heads up to both of my readers: The ‘Men tell all’ episode is Sunday night and the finale of the show is in one week on Monday night. There is no two-week wait for the final episode. It’s almost over, everyone. Perhaps ABC is as sick of Ashley as I am. Also, the Pirates held on to beat the Braves 3-1.

I have a photographic memory

2011-07-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

About a month or so ago, I ran the half Buffalo Marathon. (or is it the Buffalo half-marathon?.. look there's no time. I'll figure this out later and edit it into the blog. You guys are already falling behind the other readers and need to catch up. Just skip to the next paragraph. There's nothing really important in the first paragraph.)

I wanted to blog about the experience, but I forgot. Plus, running is about the most boring thing in the world and it sucks. Luckily, I have a photographic memory so, tonight, I took down my account of running my first half-marathon. There are spelling and gramatical errors because it's a blog and I've been drinking and you need to relax.

Here it is. My account of the thing. You're better off not reading this:

The first mile was easy. I was talking while running and I wasn’t even out of breath. I don’t think that I’m in shape, so I’m sure the adrenaline was carrying me.

I decided to run the second mile with my eyes closed. I allowed my ears to guide me through the streets of downtown Buffalo. I ran into the back of about 12 or so people and they were angry. Some people think they own the road.

Around mile 3, I started to get hungry so I ordered a pizza. Even after pleading directly to the delivery guy, they would not deliver a pizza to Mile 4 of the Buffalo Marathon. Luckily, I put some spaghetti in my fanny pack. If you think cutting spaghetti is hard, try doing it while running.

I threw up twice from Mile 4 to Mile 5, but the spastic contractions of my stomach did not slow me down. A medic drove up on a cart and tried to convince me to take a rest. I gave him the finger; like I’m going to take nutrition advice from a ‘Medic’. Go back to Medical school and study before you tell me what to do.

Immediately after crossing the Mile 6 line, I passed out and hit my head on a curb. I’m told that I got up and ran another quarter mile but I can’t remember. Who invented curbs, by the way? Do cars really need help staying on the road? If you ask me, we only have curbs to line the pockets of those fat cats in Washington.

After resting for a few minutes, I sprinted to make up for lost time. Sprinting during a half marathon sucks because, all of the sudden, everyone wants to know you.

I got a rock in my shoe at the 9.5 mile mark. I tried just pressing harder on the foot to try and crush the rock under my weight, but it didn’t work. I then tried to convince my mind to evolve into a being with 'rock' feet. This way, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Unfortunately, this process would take millions of years and the half marathon would be over. I ultimately decided to just reach down and take my shoe off, find the rock and then swallow it. I care about my fellow runners and didn’t want this to happen to anyone else.

My legs started to hurt for the next two miles because I forgot to put my shoe back on and I was running unevenly. It's amazing how much your mind can forget when you're concussed and born an idiot.

The last leg of the half marathon was the hardest. People gather down the home stretch to cheer you to the finish line. They wouldn't shut up no matter how much I yelled at them. I couldn't concentrate and forgot what I was doing. Someone brought their dog with them and I remember thinking how easily I could beat it up.

Then, I was home.

I think we've all learned something here. I should have gone to bed hours ago.

Bachelorette Recap- ABC Bores America

2011-07-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

Ashley is almost done torturing America. First she has to annoy a couple of families and then dump one of her boyfriends. It’s almost over everyone, I promise.

J.P., Bean Bag Face, Josh Groban and Josh Groban remain on this, the worst, season of the Bachelorette. There are so many things that I’ll take away from this adventure, like a half dozen kidney stones created from the build-up of extra calcium from the 12 or so Tums I have to ingest during each commercial break to keep myself from throwing up a river of stomach bile due to the awfulness that is Ashley H.

I should warn my readers that I’m sunburnt and dehydrated from the WGR 550 Golf tournament and yet the first thing I do is head home and watch two hours of awful programming so you have something to print out and read while you’re using the bathroom.

I hope you are all happy. (In a Golf Tournament full of men, cigars and alcohol, I was told, by two separate people, who is going to win this season based on Rumor websites. That’s the power of the Bachelorette. It’s sweeping.)

Ashley is going to the hometowns of her remaining contestants. First, she goes to her place so a camera guy can stand in her kitchen and film her sorting through her mail and drinking a mug of water. Her apartment is immaculate.

Josh Groban gets the first home town date. He lives in Cumming, Georgia. They meet in a park and then head over to Josh Groban’s restaurant. He owns a restaurant and it is called Gorgio’s, not Josh Groban’s. Ashley remarks how sexy Josh Groban looks while working in his restaurant. Then, a pan falls onto the floor and she remarks how sexy the pan that has fallen on the floor looks. Then, the pan does not pay attention to her and she cuts herself.

They put on gloves and make a salad but Ashley does not wear a hairnet. The hundred or so people who pulled a yard of hair out of their food that day now have an explanation. They eat their hair-filled dinner outside on the patio and ABC begs all of the waitresses to stare at them through the window and wonder aloud if they’re going to kiss. Then, ABC makes Ashley and Josh Groban kiss so all of the waitresses can squeak and makes annoying girl noises. To erase this from my memory, I pause the Bachelorette and pull up 10 minutes of Death Wish IV on my DVR.

When their done choking down their hair pizza, the happy couple heads to Josh Groban’s house to disappoint his family. They seem nice. They speak Italian and eat a meal of food that should be considerably hair-free.

Josh Groban’s Mom pulls Ashley aside to make sure she’ll give her son a chance at some Fantasy Suite rubbin’ and bumpin’.

Josh Groban and his dad have a heart-to-heart talk and I don’t understand a word of it. His family does a solid job of not embarrassing themselves on National Television…. Until 12 thousand people pour through the front door and dance. I pause the Bachelorette and give Death Wish IV another 10 minutes.

Ashley moves on to the hometown of Bean Bag Face; Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. I’ve never heard of it either. Ashley meets Bean Bag Face’s family who, surprisingly, all have normal faces. His brother kind of looks like he murders people in basements. This segment of the show is boring as mud. I’ll admit that there was a ton of talking but I didn’t listen to any of it. I played a little Spider Solitaire and got a piece of meat out of my teeth with a pen cap.

I like Bean Bag Face. I think he has a good chance to be the next Bachelor. That’s what this show is all about. It’s not about people getting married. It’s about someone getting dumped, but pulling it off with enough class to capture the hearts of a couple of women who are lonely enough to send emails to ABC.

At one point, I make the mistake of paying attention to the dialogue and I’m quite certain they’re just replaying scenes to fill the 2 hours.ABC is still running commercials for Combat Hospital! Are people watching Combat Hospital? Should I be recapping Combat Hospital? Am I swearing a bunch in this recap?

Bean Bag Face and Ashley have a picnic under Magnolia trees. Bean Bag Face says that “a picnic under Magnolia trees is so romantic”. My wife and I high-five, because he just totally nailed it there. Then, Bean Bag Face talks about magic. I’m pretty sure he’s a robot. Ashley kisses the robot.

“I believe that time is standing still under this Magnolia tree.” – That’s a Bean Bag Face quote that you missed because you don’t watch the Bachelorette, idiot.

There are still two more dates and I’m totally out of beer.

Ashley flies to Sonoma, CA to meet the other Josh Groban. He’s excited to show Sonoma to Ashley. Ashley is excited because they meet in the middle of a vineyard and there are no other women around to pay attention to.

Josh Groban runs a winery. As Josh Groban demonstrates how he gets the wine out of the barrels, Ashley is seen, again, without a hairnet. The hundreds of people pulling hair out of their Josh Groban wine now have an explanation.

Josh Groban talks about his dead father. I’m not sure why he waited so long to pull this club out of his bag. Dead family member-talk always gets you the rose. I wish everyone in my family was dead.

We learn that Josh Groban and his sister are very close. She pulls Josh Groban into the other room for a therapy session while Ashley looks through photo albums. It’s much more boring than I can possibly describe.

Josh Groban’s sister wants to make sure he’s ready for a long-term relationship. Josh Groban’s Mom talks Josh Groban through the pain he is still harboring over his father’s death. I’m suddenly watching Dr. Phil. It’s nice that we hardly hear a word from Ashley during this 20-minute therapy session, but I’m uncomfortable with emotional breakthroughs. These are all things this family could have really cleared up before the television cameras arrived.

To complete the evening, Ashley tells the viewers that she can see herself spending the rest of her life with Josh Groban. This is the third straight contestant with whom she could see herself spending the rest of her life. I hope Josh Groban doesn’t mind living with another Josh Groban, and Bean Bag Face and a J.P.

Speaking of J.P., I can’t believe you’re still reading this recap. This one could be my worst. Ashley meets J.P. in Roslyn, N.Y.

J.P. is a super fun guy and has a super fun surprise for Ashley. HE’S TAKING HER ROLLER SKATING AT LACE’S ROLLER RINK! Those geniuses at ABC (or is it Genii?) turn off the lights and play music for our deranged couple to set the mood for some creepy, empty Roller Rink make-out time. REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore” blares in the background. I know he’s not watching the show, but I can still feel Bulldog shudder.

When they’re done making me tear up from romantic antics on wheels, J.P. takes Ashley to meet his family.

J.P.’s mom pulls him aside to warn him about the dangers of falling in love. I haven’t done a good job of describing how much soft piano is used during the production of the Bachelorette. It’s slopping over the sides with soft piano. I’ll bet the soft piano industry was in shambles until the Bachelorette came along. Before this show, the only place you would hear this much soft piano was my grandmother’s living room.

J.P. and his brother talk about whether or not he’s in love and the soft pianist almost breaks his finger over the serenity of the moment. This is the most dramatic home town date ever.

J.P.’s family does not embarrass themselves, even after bringing out a picture of J.P. with a mullet. None of the hometown dates was horrifically embarrassing. There were no dead bird funerals or drunken mom’s hitting on contestants. This was a huge waste of time.

ABC gives Chris Harrison twenty minutes to recap everything we just watched. Then, Ashley sends Bean Bag Face home. The look on his Bean-Bag face is priceless. He can’t believe it and looks around to make sure that he is the only one without a rose. Bean Bag Face plays it perfectly. He cries a bit and lets her down easily, maintaining a good shot at being the next Bachelor.

I already miss Bean Bag Face’s wit and poetry. He was like the Bachelorette’s Yoda. He even kind of looked like Yoda.

Next week, there is a ton of sex. Goodbye soft piano. Hello Saxophone!

Bachelorette Recap- Back With a Vengence

2011-07-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

The Bachelorette took a week off for our nation's birthday. It was a nice vacation for me. It was very much like when, in an action movie, the hero is lifted up out of a bathtub full of water while being tortured by terrorists.

I gasped for some air and then ABC jammed by head right back into that tub last night for 2 hours.

When we last left our heroine, she was incredibly insecure and annoying. Luckily, nothing has changed.

Ashley H. is in Taiwan with a bunch of Grobans, Bean Bag Face, Ryan, J.P. and Lucas. This show is making no progress. There are still 6 guys left. Are they adding people?

This is a special episode as we are told that Emily is back for an interview. All of those questions we have about her relationship with Brad Womack will finally be answered. I know I've had questions. Personal emails sent to me containing links to gossip websites say that Emily is to be named the next Bachelorette. I’m sure Ashley heard the news and immediately cut herself.

Our story continues with 4 dates; three 1-on-1's and a group date. It's tough to concentrate on the show for me because I'm so angry about the impending Emily interview.

We open with lots of footage of the 2-hour show we are about to watch. That's how you fill two hours, America. You show everything 100 times. Ashley says that Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia. Can a jewel really be hidden if millions upon millions of people have vacationed, taken pictures of, filmed and walked on it? Were all of these people unaware of where they were? Am I mistaken and no one has ever really heard of Taiwan? Could it be that I'm more cultured than most? I was a part of a country draft.

Ashley and Josh Groban jump on a train and go to a village that I can’t spell and refuse to look up. Ashley is wearing jeans tight enough to expose her circulatory system and heels big enough to qualify her to immediately become a hooker. (It’s Taiwanese law)

The date begins as most do. Ashley and Groban paint “love” wishes on the sides of papier-mâché lanterns so they can sail them up into the air at night and annoy all onlookers. Then, they kiss and talk a lot. This particular Groban has been very open with Ashley about the fact that he is not in love with her. It's a smart play when dealing with a woman who possesses no self-esteem.

While the happy couple releases their love message balloon into the Taiwanese night, ABC producers send up a couple hundred more balloons. I know I can be cynical and that I poke fun at this show, but this moment can only be described as magical.

It was magic. If you watch the show, you saw something magical. What else can I say?

The other Josh Groban gets the next 1-on-1 date. I'm confused. They jump on a moped to tour Taiwan. Then they make out.

For dinner, Ashley completes the transformation and actually dresses like a prostitute. I keep waiting for a couple of G.I.’s to interrupt them and take her away for a few minutes.

Josh Groban confides with Ashley that he’s falling in love with her. She asks him if he’s also falling in love with Emily or Chantal. The date goes so well that it lasts throughout the night. The next morning, the rest of the contestants wake up and are steamed that Josh Groban isn’t home yet. Josh Groban finally arrives at the hotel and admits that he was out all night with Ashley but they slept in different beds. I guess he didn’t have enough cash.

The group date is next. Ashley takes Lucas, J.P., and Bean Bag Face to get wedding pictures taken. Those wacky producers are always up to something! I screamed, “Wedding pictures? They’re not married!” Then, I giggled for 4 hours. It was so hard to fall asleep last night. Seriously! Wedding Pictures!

J.P. complains the entire group date because he's dating a girl who is also dating 5 other guys. Ashley tells J.P. that her heart breaks to see him sad, so she gives him a rose. A rose is very important at this point of the show because... I seriously can't believe anyone would read these recaps. This show is putrid.

Ryan finally gets a 1-on-1 date. They go to a temple where hundreds of people are praying. I’m sure these poor people, on their knees and bearing their souls, very much appreciate the desperate hoochie in the backless shirt parading one of her six boyfriends around their sainted prayer circle. At least Ashley and Ryan didn’t make out in the temple.

Five minutes in, Ashley figures out that they she doesn’t like Ryan. It makes for an awkward date. I hit the info button and see that we’re on our final date of the week and there is still an hour left. What the hell are they going to show us for an hour? Could that interview with Emily really last an hour? The woman is boring. Once she’s done talking about her dead fiancé, the conversation is over. Anyway, I have that to look forward to.

Meanwhile, Ryan is explaining how water heaters work. I didn’t make that up. He went from being on a date to trying to sell Ashley a tank less water heater. Ashley starts crying and dumps him. I’ve got to hand it to this show. It is a special kind of awful awesome.

Ryan starts crying. Ashley cries some more. Luckily, I’m still laughing on the inside over those wacky wedding pictures, so I’m able to keep it together.
After dumping Ryan, Ashley immediately changes her mind and confesses to the camera that she may have made the wrong decision. That means we get to look forward to him coming back when one of the other guys get sick of her.

ABC fills in some time with 5 full minutes of Ryan crying. The camera guy actually zooms in on his eyes so we all know he’s not kidding. The farewell interview lasts so long they it gets dark out while he’s crying and telling America that he wants to find his special someone. It’s a strong play to be the next Bachelor.

Chris Harrison is able to secure an interview with Ashley. They sit down to tell everyone what they just spent an hour and a half watching. Ashley tells Chris that she’s skipping the cocktail party because she’s already made her decision on the other contestant she is sending home.

The Rose Ceremony is next. I’m excited because two guys go home this week. That puts us one week closer to not having to ever hear Ashley talk again. Ashley sends Lucas home. I like Lucas because he comes across as the kind of guy who would yell at his kids. Kids need to be yelled at sometimes. Maybe if Ashley's dad yelled at her, she'd have some self-esteem. Of course, my Dad yelled at me and I write a Bachelorette recap every week.

Lucas is a pro's pro. There are no tears shed by Lucas on the exit interview.

There are still 20 minutes left for ABC to sneak in that interview with the black hole that is Emily. If you're new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette, here's Emily's story. She won last season and got to be Brad Womack's girl. Things didn't work out and she spent 4 months on the cover of magazines. Now, she's back to tell her story that has been told more accurately by others already.

Emily tells Chris Harrison that she will always love Brad but things couldn't work out because he was having trouble adjusting from being a single guy to being an engaged guy. I'm assuming that means he cheated on her, but I really don't care.

Then, Emily whines about how hard it has been trying to live her life after being on the Bachelor because the paparazzi follow her around and take pictures of her and her little girl. Chris Harrison joins in with some strong words about how annoying those pesky paparazzi can be. These statements, of course, are coming from a man and woman on a Reality television show.

I'm not going to defend the paparazzi. Anyone who camps out at a Gas and Sip to take pictures of a woman with her 5 year-old daughter while they clean off their windshield is a scumbag. I AM going to go ahead and never feel sorry for a woman who chose to date a guy who was dating 24 other women on National Television. It doesn't take much foresight to envision your life being altered a little bit. We're talking about a woman who once turned off a light, closed a door and allowed for an ABC camera guy to sit in the corner of her daughter's bedroom and film her falling asleep.

This tear fest interview was made even worse by the knowledge that Emily is going to be the next Bachelorette. So, to recap, a woman bawling her eyes out because she and her poor daughter can't live their lives in peace is ready to sign on for 5-or-so months of dating 25 guys on camera. As much as I hate Ashley H., the Emily Bachelorette season is going to be a new level of terrible. She's uninteresting. Not that I wouldn't punch my parents in the face to spend 3 minutes standing next to her and staring. She's easy on the old looking balls.

Emily made it through the entire interview without mentioning her dead fiancé'. I guess she takes life one fiancé' at a time.

The final thing we see tonight is blooper footage of a dog peeing on Ashley and Josh Groban's love message balloon. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to decide whether or not I'm kidding about that.

Another 'I Love Terry Pegula' Blog

2011-06-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

I’m the youngest of 7 kids. We didn’t get Burger King, we got home burgers. We didn’t get Coco Puffs or even Cheerios. We got Toasted Oats and generic bags of a cereal called Wheat Puffs.

Every once and a while, my Dad’s friend, Uncle Leo, would take us fishing. Going fishing with Uncle Leo always meant a trip to McDonald’s. I’m told we used to reach over the seat and grab his head and turn it towards a McDonald’s if we were driving past one.

That’s how it feels to be a Sabre fan today. It feels like I’m in the back seat of Uncle Leo’s car. Only, instead of Uncle Leo, it’s Uncle Terry; and we’re driving past Brad Richards and I’m grabbing Uncle Terry’s head and turning it in that direction.

I don’t even know if I want Brad Richards, but I’m so sick of Wheat Puffs that I’m gonna eat three bowls of Brad Richards before I go to bed.
Buffalo fans have grown tired of watching Dominik Hasek and Jason Peters go off to the places that pay. We’re sick of hearing terms like ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘cash to the cap’.

I think Buffalo Sports fans are so sick of eating the cheap cereal that they might not even mind my posting the 400^th ‘We Love Terry Pegula’ article on this site. Obviously, the Sabres can make every right move and it still will not guarantee a Stanley Cup. The team could make a series of horrible moves over the course of the next few weeks and blow up a stable roster foundation but Sports is an escape and it’s supposed to be fun, not painful.

This is fun. And, like I did when I was a kid, I’m going to make sure I don’t finish my pop until I get home so I can show off my cup and gloat to my brothers that I got McDonald’s and they didn’t.

Side Note: I had a very happy childhood, despite endless boxes of Kix and my brother Donny folding me into a couch bed and jumping up and down on it.

Bachelorette Recap- Awesome in Hong Kong

2011-06-28T06:51:00.000-07:00

If ABC made a dog the next Bachelorette and had twelve guys yelling, “Here boy!” while holding out Snausages for the Rose Ceremony, it would be the same thing as using Ashley H.

Ashley is stupid, insecure and desperate and I’m tired of watching her beg for reassurance. This, of course, made last night’s episode of the Bachelorette awesome.

I would say that watching this season has been Hell, but I doubt that Hell is this boring. It’s been a tough road for viewers. Most of my recaps have been made up. We finally received actual content last night.

Things began with a bang. After stupid footage of Ashley walking around Hong Kong in pants that in no way allowed blood to circulate, Chris Harrison walked over to Ashley’s hotel room to drop bombs.(Not the awesome part)

Chris, followed by camera men, knocks on her door. Ashley, after being told by producers that Chris would be arriving and then having make-up applied for an hour, answers the door and acts surprised to see him.

Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has been flown to Hong Kong to give Ashley closure. She starts crying because she’s an idiot. Ashley composes herself and then walks down the hall to Bentley’s Hotel room.

She knocks on his door.
(Again, not the awesome part)

Bentley asks, “Who is it?” This show is awful.

If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Bentley is a paid actor who comes on the show to act mean behind Ashley’s back and make my wife angry. He left the show to add drama after making this idiot girl fall in love with him. (Or pretend like she’s in love with him. I can’t figure out if she’s in on it yet.) Now Bentley has been flown halfway around the world for a 10 minute scene.

Bentley and Ashley have a heart-to-heart. She begs him to either come back on the show or dump her. Bentley, who enjoys being on T.V., drags it out as long as he can. It is pretty painful to see this woman pine for Bentley. He’s trying not to laugh the entire time, but does let her down easy and tells her there is no future for them as a 6-month Reality T.V. couple.
(Not the awesome part)

Ashley leaves and tells the camera that she’s over Bentley. She even swears. She says, “Bleep you Bentley!” ABC bleeped out one of the words there. I’m not certain what she was trying to say.

The normal portion of the show begins. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date in Hong Kong. The first date goes to Lucas, the guy from Texas who wasn’t annoying enough to get a nickname.

Ashley and Lucas walk around Hong Kong and shop while ABC plays sound of Ashley convincing America that she’s over Bentley. Then they get on a boat. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. There is no actual content. It’s just a bunch of people eating and talking.

Ashley and Lucas get on a boat to eat and talk.
(Not the awesome part)

She gives him a rose because he pays attention to her.

The next day, we get a pointless group date. 6 of the guys are brought to the beach where they are commanded to go out into town and recruit people for a Dragon Boat race. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. This is a dating show where, at the end, someone proposes marriage after dating a girl, who is dating 20 other guys, for a couple of weeks. ABC decided that a good way for them to get to know Ashley even better would be to spend zero time with her. It’s quite brilliant.

The guys run off to find people who either A. Speak English or B. Follow strange people to beaches to Dragon Boat Race. Surprisingly, many people in Hong Kong are in Dragon Boat leagues. It must be like slow-pitch Softball over there.

They put the two Josh Grobans on the same team to confuse the hell out of me. It’s not really that these guys look exactly alike, I just care so little that I refuse to try and differentiate. To further confuse me, the Grobans buy matching Kimonos. I did not make that part up. Look at the game tape.

This recruitment process is followed by 25 solid minutes of amateur Dragon Boat Racing.
(Not the awesome part)

Mickey and Bean Bag Face win. For their win, Mickey and Bean Bag face are rewarded with nothing.

Next comes the drinking. Ashley takes the group to a big hotel and makes out with a bunch of them. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Stop reading these recaps. Nothing happens. This is an awful show and doesn’t deserve your attention. You would better spend your time changing out the water in your ice cube trays.

Ashley gives Ryan a rose and all of the guys get mad because they hate Ryan.
(Not the awesome part)

J.P. gets the one-on-one date the next day. Ashley no longer has Bentley, so she convinces herself that she’s falling in love with J.P.

She tells J.P. all about the Bentley situation, despite her fear that J.P. will get mad and leave. I should stop and clarify. Ashley spends 5 minutes beginning to tell J.P. all about Bentley, then ABC goes to commercial, then ABC plays the last 5 minutes all over again. I scream and pound on an end table.

J.P. takes the news of Bentley well, so he gets a rose. Then, Ashley and J.P. make out for a bit. He actually gets his entire mouth around her chin. And, because his microphone is right up next to her face, the audience gets to hear all of the slurping.
(Not the awesome part)

Here’s the awesome part. Ashley feels confident after her date with J.P., so she tells the rest of the guys that she had fallen in love with Bentley before he left and that she talked to Bentley last night in person for some closure.

The guys do not take it well. Many of them start swearing and Ashley starts crying. Lucas appears to be the angriest and gets a look on his face like he wants to hit her. The guys will surely feel even worse after watching the show back when they see that Ashley would have totally taken Bentley back if he had not dumped her a second time.

Bean Bag face and Ryan tell Ashley that everything is okay. Mickey, WHO SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, tells Ashley that she’s an idiot and then leaves the show. He does so in a classy fashion. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re next Bachelor.
(That’s the awesome part)

Mickey is awesome. He got sick of Ashley, so he left his paid vacation in Hong Kong to get away from her. And, there is no way he wasn’t getting a rose. The next part of my recap is for Mickey only.

Dear Mickey,

If you need anything from Buffalo, let me know; Bison Dip, Cheerios, WGR 550 T-shirts? Whatever you need, just drop me an email. We even ship Mighty Taco now.

The rest of the show is stupid because no one voluntarily leaves. Ashley cries a bunch. Chris Harrison is going to need a vacation and some fluids because he gets pulled on for another interview with Ashley. This guy is a workaholic.

I root heavily for Lucas to leave the show too. It looks like he's ready to the entire time. He's not smiling. He's doing that thing where you bite the inside of your mouth and pretend to smile while fiddling through your pockets for weapons.

Ashley sends Blake, the dentist home because he had the nerve to act angry at her for having Bentley flown to Hong Kong to waste his time.

The Rose Ceremony is temporarily interrupted when Chris Harrison collapses from exhaustion.

The preview of upcoming Bachelorette footage shows plenty of heartbreak for Ashley. I hope it’s painful. I also hope she walks on a deck in bare feet and gets a giant sliver and that ABC shows the 4 and a half minutes of her screaming while some poor intern has to pull it out with tweezers.

Bachelorette Recap- This Woman is Pathetic

2011-06-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7^th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.

ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.

When we last left Ashley H. she was completely void of self-worth and desperately trying to get 11 men to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. We’ve been teased all week long over the fact that Bentley was coming back to break Ashley’s heart some more. She brings her boyfriends to Chiang Mai in Thailand to kickbox and run into her fake ex-boyfriend, Bentley.

Beanbag thinks that Chiang Mai is the most romantic place on earth. He’s never been to South Buffalo after 3 a.m.

The production crew gets in place early to film shots of Ashley walking through the streets, deep in thought. Ashley thinks that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love, despite the fact that there are zero mechanical bulls.

There will be three dates this week; a one-on-one date, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one man is immediately asked to go home while Ashley and the other guy finish their dinner.

One of the Josh Grobans gets his first one-on-one date. He and Ashley walk through Chiang Mai. I’d like to take a moment and point out how there have been zero helicopter rides so far this season. Nowhere has the bad economy hit harder than Reality Television. These sluts used to ride Helicopters everywhere. Now, they’re riding coach to Vegas and taking Mopeds through 3^rd world countries. To be fair, most of the budget was spent on paying actors to pretend that they're contestants.

Ashley and Josh Groban paint umbrellas. I’ll let that sink in. She asks him if he thinks she’s pretty and then cuts herself. Then, they visit an old temple where people aren’t allowed to kiss. She gives him fifty dollars to kiss her. It’s quite romantic and pointless.

During the commercial break, Mike Rowe tries to sell me things while never taking off his baseball hat. He’s like Ken Griffey Jr. I’ve never seen him without one.

When we return to the action, Ashley and Josh Groban eat food in a candlelit garden. It would have been a slow scene, but they fill the time by talking about the pointless date we just watched. Groban talks about how his dead Father turned him into a man. Ashley interrupts him to ask if it’s time to kiss.

Josh Groban gets a rose. There are still over 90 minutes to go in the show. We've got a long way to go before the Bentley footage.

The next day, Ashley takes 8 guys on a group date. Because there hasn’t been enough grappling hook adventures this season, ABC Producers make the 8 men kick box each other. We finally get a chance to see some of the guys take off their shirts. Most of the contestants get into it, but Bean Bag Face doesn’t like fighting. He gets stuck with the pink fighting gear and the audience is immediately made aware of the fact that Bean Bag will soon go to the hospital based on the barrage of promos we’ve seen over the past week.

Ashley talks about how nervous she is to see her boyfriend’s punching and kicking each other. It’s nice foreshadowing for the ambulance scene. We only have to sit through 20 minutes or so before Bean Bag get broken. He fights Ryan, the guy everyone hates, and gets his bell rung. He got a nice concussion and sits there with the same look I had on my face when Brett Hull held a Cup up at Center Ice of the H.S.B.C. Arena. (That’s 2 sports references. You’re welcome.) The injury totally was not worthy of the dramatic teaser footage. I was expecting a bear attack with missing limbs.

Ashley is very concerned over Bean Bag face, and the fact that no one has told her that she’s not ugly in the last 15 minutes. The group gets showered and has a cocktail party. Bean Bag Face shows up late to add some drama. He can’t talk right because his brain is still bruised from being punched. I can’t wait for future Bachelorette contestants to donate their brains to science to prove how costly a career in Reality TV can be to one’s brain. (Seriously, three Sports References. I’m this close to Andy making this one of the main stories on the site.)

Lucas mentions that he Golfs and Ashley shoves her butt into his crotch and begs him to show her how to Golf. Lucas seems uncomfortable, but doesn’t want her to cry, so he begrudgingly spoons her for a couple of seconds.

There is so much talking this episode. It’s painful. Can’t they find out how someone’s loved one died and go do the exact thing that loved one died doing like last season? Can you tell I was a guest bartender Monday night and wrote this recap after many Irish Car bombs? Is anyone else excited that the ‘tags’ section of this recap may contain the phrase ‘Irish Car bomb’? These questions aren’t rhetorical, by the way.

The next day, Jowls and Nice Guy head off for their 2-on-1 date. Neither man is looking forward to it. It’s not stressful enough to make out with a mildly attractive girl in front of millions of people. Adding the threat of being dumped during dinner makes it that much more of a pressure cooker.

Ashley takes the men for a ride on some elephants. I think Ashley rode Elephants with Brad Womack. Again, this show is dirt poor and out of ideas.

Nice Guy takes advantage of some alone time with Ashley by throwing Jowls under the bus. He says that Jowls is looking forward to getting kicked off of the show so he can parlay his Network TV appearance into playing the field back home. Ashley handles the news well by cutting herself.

The trick works as Ashley sends Jowls home. Nice Guy will no longer be referred to as ‘Nice Guy’ from this point on. He’s William. I hope you’re able to keep up at home. Jowls is wearing Moccasins with no socks. My feet would smell like stomach bile filtered through a used diaper if I did that.

Ashley and William eat dinner while he blows his chances by telling her he’s not grown up yet. Ashley makes it a double-kill 2-on-1 by sending William home too. It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. It’ll be nice for Jowls to watch that moment back at home. William cries in the limo.

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is super dramatic. Ashley starts things off by asking all of the guys who think that she’s ugly to admit it and leave. This woman could be the centerpiece of several medical novels about insecurity. Ashley talks to the other Josh Groban and it is beyond confusing because he looks just like Josh Groban. (The Bachelorette Josh Groban, not the real Josh Groban. Although, both of them look like Josh Groban. I’ve continued to drink at home.)

All of the dates are over and there’s still 20 minutes of show left. It must be time for Bentley to re-punch the clock and return to torment Ashley. Chris Harrison interviews Ashley during which time she tells him that she needs to see Bentley. Chris cuts her a deal, saying that, if she kicks a couple more guys off, he’ll fly Bentley into Chiang Mai. I can't wait to watch Ashley fake cry.

The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.

Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.

Stay in School.

Bachelor Recap- Prostitution is Legal in Vegas

2011-02-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Forget everything you know about the Bachelor because it’s about to change…

…Unless, you’ve watched the show before because it’s all exactly the same as every other season.

Brad Womack is still looking for love and Reality television producers will stop at nothing to help him. Short of that, the producers are hoping that Brad gets sick of the bat-crap crazy women they’ve provided and he goes on a drunken slap-spree. (Ratings gold!)

We continue our journey with everyone’s favorite host, Chris Harrison, explaining to the girls that they’re leaving the mansion to travel the world.

The first stop is Las Vegas.

I guess they call it ‘Sin City’ for the number of times the Bachelor girls use the Lord’s name in vein. Throughout this episode, the phrase ‘Oh my God’ was uttered about one thousand times. We can sleep tight knowing each of these girls will spend an eternity in hell.

My favorite moment of the show is when the girls are all in a room saying ‘Oh my God’ when Michelle, who was in the middle of saying ‘Oh my God’, then pauses to change up ‘God’ to ‘Word’. It’s as if she knew they had already reached their quota.

There are 10 women and 1 paid actress remaining on the show.

That’s right, Michelle is apparently an actress.

A reader named Dan forwarded me a link to her IMDB.com page, listing the previous movies in which she has starred. Her name is Michelle Money. She is not a hair dresser from New Jersey.
I’m not sure if this constitutes a ‘scoop’ or breaking non-sports news, but we’re on to Michelle and the orchestrated pile of garbage that the Bachelor has become.

This show used to stand for something. It used to be a mature Reality Game show. Now, it’s just cheap.

Now armed with the information that Michelle is an actress, it’s hard to watch her scenes. Everything seems so rehearsed. It’s like Brad is at a dinner theatre that mixes the people from the show into the audience. I liked it better when I just thought she was crazy.

Anywho, Brad gets a 1-on-1 date, a 2-on-1 date and a group date. Chris Harrison has already called it "the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever". I’d like Congress to put the Bachelor on the stand like they did Major League Baseball. Someone should have to answer for this mess.

Shawntel gets the 1-on-1 date. Brad picks her up in a stupid car and takes her to a mall. Brad takes Shawntel on a shopping spree. She can go into any store and take anything she wants. They pass it off as Brad buying the gifts, but I’m pretty sure ABC picked up the check on this one.

Brad says that the shopping spree is "every single women’s dream" because married women hate shopping.

Afterward, Shawntel is shown picking up about 40 shopping bags full of clothes and a purse that cost $5,000 while she talks about how "real" this time spent with Brad has been. She says, "To me, this is all been very real. This could be love."

So, if you’re dating a girl and you want to come across as sincere and real, get ABC to spend $40,000 on her.

They do a good job of making sure Shawntel has enough time to drop off her booty at the Vegas hotel so the other girls can drool over her shopping spree. Not one girl mentions how jealous they are of the time Shawntel just spent with Brad. These hookers want the clothes.

That night, Shawntel and Brad eat on the roof of the mall as she tells him about her job as a Funeral Director. Then, there are fireworks.

Next comes the group date. It’s super dramatic. I thought I was past it, but my eyes are already welling up with tears and my hands are shaking.

Brad takes 8 women, including Emily, to a Nascar track to race Nascar cars and OH MY GOD EMILY’S FIANCE USED TO BE A NASCAR DRIVER AND CRASHED ON THIS SAME TRACK AND THAT ENDED HIS NASCAR DRIVING CAREER AND HE’S DEAD AND HOW COULD BRAD DO THIS?

Yeah, so they’re racing and Emily’s being quiet and Brad pulls her aside and she tells the dead fiancé story again because that’s all she does is tell the dead fiancé story.

Brad feels bad but Emily forgives him and she builds up the courage to drive a car in a circle while crying.

These producers are awesome. It’s clear that they’re not letting an idiot like Brad make the decisions on where the dates occur, so it was ABC’s idea to get Emily to that race track for the tearfest. (Note to my computer… ‘tearfest’ IS a word!) You can almost hear them high-fiving each other as Emily breaks down. It’s a classy move all around. Plus, with Brad feeling stupid about digging up dead fiancé memories, he focuses all of his attention on Emily and the other girls get crazy jealous and they wish that they had dead fiancés. Wouldn’t the plural of ‘fiancé’ be ‘fianci’? It doesn’t come up much because non-Mormons usually do things one fiancé at a time, but we need Congress to clear this up for shows like the Bachelor. Congress is understaffed.

Brad says that driving a NASCAR car is "every single guy’s dream" because that’s what I dreamed about when I was single.

After the race track of broken dreams, Brad takes the girls to a nearby pool because everyone was wearing too much clothing. Also, with all of the high speed cars around, there hasn’t been alcohol consumed in minutes.

The pool party is once again a carnival of crying women who are jealous of how much better looking Emily is. Brad gets his fill of booger kisses. Emily is attractive, but I don’t think she wins this game show because she’s isn’t very interesting, at least not in the footage I’ve been shown. I don’t think she’s slutty enough (Seriously, computer? ‘Slutty’ isn’t a word either? What year is this?) I don’t think she’s slutty enough for the latter rounds either. Pretty soon, Brad’s gonna be in Cabu and he’s going to have a hut and he’s going to want some hot ‘Ab’ action. Are you going to step to the plate Emily? Sluts take first place on ABC, remember that.

The next date is a 2-on-1 with the two Ashleys. (Look, computer. I don’t know how to pluralize ‘Ashley’. I’ve just about had it with these Bachelor recaps. Modern English isn’t advanced enough.)

Ashley S. and Ashley H. go with Brad on a date but only one Ashley comes back. For those of you still reading this recap, Ashley H. is the perky, easy-to-hate, dentist. Ashley S. is the cute girl who never talks.

The date is awesome. They rehearse to appear in a Cirque de’ Sole Elvis show because that hasn’t been done on a Bachelor season in months. Then, they sit down for a nice dinner that had to be delicious because nothing makes me hungrier than the thought of being dumped by an idiot on National T.V.
I hope ABC at least gave their leftovers to some of the Vegas homeless because there’s no way in hell either of those girls touched their food.

Then, Brad gives Ashley H. a rose right in front of Ashley S. Then, he dumps Ashley S. and she cries for 15 minutes while they blare Elvis’ "Are you lonesome tonight". Again, ABC is classy all of the way.

The day after dumping Ashley S., Brad calls his therapist. He’s been meeting with this guy throughout the season and I haven’t mentioned it here in the recaps yet. Brad has a therapist because his father was never around.

Brad’s therapist basically tells him to dump women without concern for their feelings because he’s on a game show designed to choose his wife. I didn’t make that last part up. Go ahead, go to ABCTV.com and watch the episode. Skip to the 1:33 mark. By the way, this show is 2 hours long. Have I mentioned that it is two hours long? It is two hours long.

The cocktail party is uneventful. Michelle has a very staged and rehearsed scene where she tells Brad to send all of the girls home except her. Brad dumps two girls. One of them is a sports publicist. The sports publicist makes my day by not saying goodbye to Brad. He asks her if he can explain and she just wordlessly leaves the room to go cry in a limo.

A Bachelor party from the next hotel room spills over onto the rose ceremony and a drug dealer beats a man to death just as Brad is handing out his third rose. The girls are really scared and the drug dealer grabs one of the roses on his way back through the hole in the wall created when he threw the guy into the room. The girls scream and cry about how there’s one less rose until ABC agrees to provide a replacement.

They patch the hole with a tarp and some tape.

Hi Idiot

2010-11-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

I know you're busy being an idiot, but I noticed that you're getting a lot of money for that frivolous lawsuit that helped to ruin our country, and I would like a chunk of that.

You'll notice that I've put together this ridiculous jingle in an attempt to burn my phone number into your brain. This way, when you're boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps with your brother/sister and you want a new Camaro to make them jealous, you'll know exactly who to call to get the ten grand that would have been spread over numerous monthly payments.

It's way quicker than watching through your rear view mirror for someone to be distracted and then slamming your brakes to cause their car to slam into the back of your car and then suing them. That could take years. You want that Camaro now!

I'll just give you less money in exchange for your more money, immediately. Everyone wins. Except for the amount of people who lose. Which is, eventually, everybody.

Please don't forget my phone number.

George Rogers Ruined My Childhood

2010-10-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

My mother not only supported my addiction, but she personally funded several transactions.

She used to let me go through her purse for change to buy football cards.

My mom’s purse smelled like spearmint. My mom always had gum but she would only chew half sticks at a time. Not many people knew about the horrible gum shortage of the 1980’s. She would ration her gum for the greater good. Because her purse contained several ripped pieces of Wrigley, you would reach into her purse for dimes and come out with sticky fingers.

It was all probably a scheme to get my fingerprints in case I ever turned to murder.

The first eight years of my life were loose change and football cards. Nothing else mattered. I hardly ever worried about politics or global warming.

Small stacks of Topps Football cards were about 40 cents. The big mother pack with a featured 1,000 yard rusher were 75 cents. The wrapping was clear, so you could see the first card. The advantage of the extra 35 cents was the ability to choose your 1,000 rusher. That way, you could assure yourself of not getting a double.

I hated George Rogers. Something happened at the Tops plant in 1986 that caused the mass production of ‘George Rogers’ cards.

Some poor guy, probably at the end of an overnight double shift, accidentally backed into the ‘George Rogers’ button right before heading out on a 3-day weekend. Now, 8 year olds who just managed to scrape together 75 cents had two choices; their 5^th George Rogers 1,000 rusher card or no cards.

It was like a plague.

I had over 20 George Rogers. My G.I. Joe troops used ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher cards as target practice for their boot camps; Police firing range-style.

I wonder if George Rogers ever imagined, while following Joe Jacoby off-tackle for a 4-yard gain, that all of his hard work would ultimately mean his image would be burned onto a glossy 2.5 X 3.5 card that I would use to kill spiders.

I’ll bet he would have kneeled at 999 yards.

I kept my George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards in a separate pile, stacked upon my dresser. They came in handy as drink coasters and scrap paper for phone messages.

If I was playing 1986 Tops Football card War with Michael Bauer, the ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher card was the ‘2’. (Steve Largent’s ‘Record Breaker Most Seasons with 50 or More Catches’ card was an ace.)

Sometimes I would feel bad about my treatment of George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards. Luckily, I could use all of those extra George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards to dry my tears. And plus, screw him because he was probably a millionaire.

The only thing worse than the 1986 George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher card was the 1986 E.J. Junior. Put your helmet on, loser.

Muppet Babies

2010-08-27T11:48:00.001-07:00

Warning: This blog contains explosive and gratuitous sexual content.

Not really.

Was 'Muppet Babies' a prequel, or did the Muppets just have kids? If the Muppets had kids, it's safe to assume that Kermit and Miss Piggy never got together. The Kermit and Piggy babies looked like a frog and pig, not morphed frog/pigs. This would also mean that Miss Piggy named her daughter 'Miss Piggy'.

It would make sense that the cast of 'The Muppets' would all leave their kids at the same Daycare center.

Speaking of the Daycare center, Nanny should be fired and jailed. This woman never checked on these kids. She would waltz into the room once every 30 minutes....TO CHECK ON BABIES! Even if they were just 'Muppet' babies, you're getting paid to watch them. You're their Nanny.
You can't just wall them in and then escape to the den to drink wine and watch your stories.

If I tried to leave a baby alone for 30 minutes, I'd be on the news. They never show Nanny's face because her eyes were sunken in from all of the Heroin she was doing with random dudes in the next room while these babies played with razors.

Also, what were Scooter and Skeeter? Fozzy was a bear. Ralph was a dog. Gonzo was a weirdo. Scooter and Skeeter kind of looked like a cross between a salamander and a penis.

After I published this blog, the site said "thanks" and flashed a link to buy Muppet Babies DVD's. It's like they're not even reading my blogs.

Kraft isn't answering my email

2010-06-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

When I was 17, I drank an entire bottle of Black Velvet and cut open my arm from elbow to wrist trying to climb School 27.

Today, I emailed Kraft because the stores around here are no longer carrying the Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing that my wife and I like.

I've slowed down considerably.

It's not like I was moving at break-neck speed. Showtime isn't about to film a series based loosely on that summer I came home every night at watched my roomate play Final Fantasy IX, occasionaly yelling things like, "Move that rock. I'll bet that's the way out."

But, I answered to no one and emailed ZERO salad dressing companies. I once drank a beer out of rented bowling shoes on a 5 dollar bet. I used to leave the house with 7 dollars and not worry about how and when I was going to get home.

Today, while emailing Kraft about their Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing, I checked the box labeled, "Yes, I'd like to receive periodic Kraft recipe and promotional information emails."

I used to say to myself, "I'll never be my Dad." Well, I was right. Even my Dad is too cool to email Kraft. He doesn't eat salad.

I think it's time I made some changes. I think it's about time I started taking some risks...or, at the very least, stop emailing Kraft.

I've never tried getting attacked by a big dog and then punching it into submission. I'm sure that's a real adrenaline kick. Also, shoplifting.

Skydiving and base jumping are so cliche'. Instead, I'm going to jump over a speeding car. You actually only need to jump about 48 inches into the air. The car does most of the work. I'll start with something small like a Prius and then work my way up to the stretch models.

From now on, I'm going to get my old standard Whopper meal with an extra fry and the Oreo Cake every Friday. And don't tell my wife because she'll totally flip out and ground me.

Re-thinking Dog Loyalty...and whether or not "re-thinking" is hyphenated

2010-05-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to make up for a youth wasted on Sega Wonderboy, I was jogging through my neighborhood this morning. As I passed two children playing on their front lawn, a dog ran out to explain to me, in dog terms, that I was not wanted. He stopped just short of the edge of the lawn. He followed along at my 4 mile-per-hour pace until I was clear of his territory.

It was a warning. I don't hate him for it. I did, however, notice that he wasn't wearing a collar. That means that there was no invisible fence. He was probably trained to only go so far. I doubt that the owners used the old "beating" method to teach him this behavior so, I can only assume that they used treats for training.

Training a dog is easy:
You call him to the edge of the lawn. You gently tell him to go no further. You hand him a snausage. In 2 weeks, he wouldn't cross that imaginary line to catch a cat with a steak tied to its face.

That sucks.

I'm a dog lover. I love me some dogs. Dogs need to be better than that. If you've deemed me a threat, you need to take me out. Dogs are essentially saying that they'd rather have a treat than save the lives of helpless children.

You can blame the training all you want. That dog has a responsibility. Human life is worth more than Gaines Burgers. Suck it up, dogs.

I should retract something from the first line of this blog. My youth was not wasted on Sega Wonderboy. It was fulfilled. That game was the pinnacle of civilization. From the ages of 10-to-12, I logged more hours playing Wonderboy than sleeping What was I supposed to do, read? Would time have been better spent at the park?

You show me the park where a 10-year old can buy mead and boots that make him run faster and jump higher. Caz park had zero mead stands. I always hated that about Caz park.

If you never played Sega Wonderboy or visited Caz park, you're probably wondering what my problem is. It's you. You're my problem.

Also, have you noticed how jogging no longer exists? Thanks to Nike, you're running. There are two forms of human motion, walking and running. When I was 8, and Donny was chasing me with dog shit in a rag, (true story) I ran. Now, if you pick up your feet just high enough to breath a little heavier, you're running. No one uses the word "jog" anymore.

Home Wrecker

2010-04-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

It was another close one last night.

I had to hold my wife down so she didn't try to run out the front door and sleep with that guy who flies down our street at 100 miles per hour, blasting the stereo of his Mustang.

I can't be mad at her. How could you not want to get all up on a guy that cool? I tried to explain to her, "Honey, he's gone. You'll never catch up to him."

I can't really be mad at Mustang guy either. I only wish he knew what he was doing to our marriage. I can't compete with him. My car can only go 70, tops. And I have all of this stupid respect for my fellow man, not wanting to risk their lives, and the lives of their children and pets. I certainly wouldn't think that the entire neighboorhood would want to hear my Nickleback tape so bad that I would need to blare it at ungodly levels. Luckily, this guy knows better.

I hate myself for not being the 100-miles-per-hour Mustang guy. Why were my parents so lame? Why did they teach me NOT to be a complete douchebag? Now, I'll never get to sleep with all of the women that Mustang guy must sleep with. Of course, I doubt my penis is half the size of his, with his fast car and loud music and all.

Oh, and ground effects!!!! Did you know that his car glows???!!! He has lights on the bottom that make his car glow. I swear to fucking god I thought it was a fucking spaceship the first time he flew down our street. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I almost wanted to sleep with him, if I didn't have to look him in the eye because he's pretty cool and all, and it's intimidating.

After four hours and heavy panting my wife calmed down, but he'll be back. Mustang guy always comes back. Go get him ladies. Go get him.

Restaurant Review: The Eat Box

2010-03-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Note: This review appears in the April edition of the 'Bi-Annual Food Reviewer'

Food- **
Decor- ***
Service- ****

When hunger calls, 'The Eat Box' answers, albeit on the 12th ring.

My wife and I were struck when first entering the Eat Box. A dish washer emerged from the kitchen and proceeded to dry off his hands on her chest. We would quickly learn that the address in the phone book was listed incorrectly and we had actually entered a man's apartment. We are in the process of finding out whether the wrong address is the fault of the phone book or the restaurant, so there could be one less star under 'Service' for this review.

The actual Eat Box restaurant was quite nice. Accessible only by ladder, patrons can really build up a hunger using their arms to climb 7 stories onto the crow's nest of a refurbished 18th century barn.

You are immediately welcomed by the owner's children who drape handmade paper necklaces around your neck. These necklaces, are loaned, but can be purchased for 11 dollars, so be careful not to rip them. The entry way is dimly lit, but the children are happy to point their cell phones at your feet to guide you on your way.

The seating area consists of 27 overturned giant cable spools with no chairs. The tops of these spools are lit on fire and the room smells of fear. Women are not allowed in the Eat Box, so tell them your wife is a gay guy.

Because the table is on fire, the food is served raw on skewers. There are 3 main specialty entries; Drumstick and Potato, Drumstick and Red Potato, and Drumstick and Rice. The rice is served on 47 individual miniature skewers. Vegetarians will be happy to know that there is a Vegetarian restaurant just 4 blocks east of the Eat Box.

When your food is cooked and you are ready to eat, the owner's children will come to your table to haggle the cost of dinner. If you accept their initial offer, you will offend them and be asked to leave. Low-balling the children is considered rude however, insulting them is not. If you are successful in making one of them cry, the meal is free. (Helpful hint, the girl is very sensitive about the misspelled tattoo on her throat.)

Dessert is a delicious Oreo cake.

I Will Not Watch That Wedding

2010-03-09T04:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a man. I'm pretty sure I have the appropriate chromosones and organs, but I lack the ability to kill deer and control my own television watching schedule.

I did, however, manage to push all of my chips to the center of the table last night and say, "I am not watching Jason Meznick's (a.k.a. the Bachelor) wedding!" My wife, realzing how serious I was when she saw the tears in my eyes, agreed to tape it and watch it another time.
It was a bluff. I would have watched it.

As a matter of fact, I did click Jason Meznick's wedding on for 38 seconds. I saw a ton of rain and a bunch of women screaming over shoes. I am so glad that I did not watch it.

Fortunately for you, the reader, my friend Cheryl never misses it when a complete d-bag ties the knot of T.V. and she might just hate the show more than I do.
So, here is Cheryl's recap of the Jason and Molly wedding:

On the wings of: Greg didn't want to watch the Bachelor wedding, so a bitter single girl wrote his blog.....HA

Yesterday at 10:52pm

I gotta admit, being 36 and single, I watch The Bachelor because I enjoy seeing people getting dumped on TV and then laughing at them when they cry. It really ads a special kind of joy to my life because I am not them. ABC has now decided to use two hours of time to show the wedding of contestants Jason and Molly. I was totally hoping for the bride to fall or lots of rain. Sorry, but someone had to say it.

Chris Harrison started the show by saying this was going to be “the event of a lifetime”. Oh, OK. He totally forgot to say it was gonna be dramatic, maybe the most dramatic wedding ever. They had the wedding in Seattle---outdoors---in the rain capital of the world. The drama was brewing. Awesome.

Of course, first they had to show the drama of the wedding preparations, which included Jason and Molly sitting apart from each other in a park, each staring into a land far far away while contemplating those mean tabloids. This of course made them cry on cue and wipe away the tears. Naturally, this is what most couples do before their wedding. “Hey honey, forget the shower and the bachelor party. We don’t need that crap. Let’s individually stare at the sky or something.”

While discovering what it was like to actually LIVE together, they discovered fascinating information! Jason declared, “I forgot how much STUFF people have!” Molly added, “I brought my own vase instead of using a pitcher for the flowers!” They are sooooo intriguing. Then they made brownies. That part was OK.

Yeah, I knew they were gonna bring back the former couples to let everyone know how successful the bachelor series REALLY is, even though this is the 2nd wedding in like 100 tries. Jake and his dude girlfriend Vienna talked about Jake kissing lots of girls, their perfect love and how they are big fans of Jason and Molly. Jake said “hopefully” they can follow in the footsteps of the other couple. Yeah, they are totally not getting hitched. Four other couples no one cares about talked about how they enjoy each other…..Yada, yada, yada. Personally, I just think they were tryin to steal some wedding thunder.

One of the more compelling parts of the two hour special was the families. Everyone got along during the wedding planning. No one fought about who was getting invited, gift registries or seating charts. Buncha phonies.

They actually did decide to have a bachelor and bachelorette party combo in Vegas. That is where they showed the world they are boring. Molly whined a bit about not wanting a stripper to show her how to move for her man. He is so lucky. Then Jason cried. I think I fell asleep for a while. They were still in Vegas. The producers tried to shake things up a bit by telling Jason to stare into a fountain outside the hotel and think about life. Molly found him and declared that was most romantic place in the whole world. I declared single life suddenly not so bad.

They returned to the wedding site and talked about shoes and hair. Then Jason cried. Then it rained and stopped and rained again. I was happy at this point during a commercial break, to see George Clooney and a singing cartoon trying to sell paper towels.

Then it at least got amusing when Chris Harrison kept bringing in a receiving line of rejected men and women from past seasons. Apparently the show needed seat fillers. Then some umbrellas turned inside out. Oh, I forgot to mention the wedding planner talked about not having a “plan B” locale for the first time ever in case of rain---in friggin rain capital of the world Seattle. Hmmmm.

Oh, he did not. Yes, he did. Host Man Chris actually referred to this as one of the most anticipated weddings of ALL TIME. He was somewhat correct. We wanted to anticipate the wedding to be over. But not before Jason cried----again, which he did.

The poems were read, the I dos were said, and then the vows were at the perfect timing for the producers - as it down poured all over the bride, as the groom tried to cover her hair with his little man hands. Um, no one had an umbrella to cover the bride and her $40,000 dress---in friggin rainy Seattle?

Yeah, they’re married. Woo friggin hoo. I cant wait for the next round of characters that get assembled for the Bachelorette in May. We all need more people to laugh at.

With all that said, I guess I do want to get married one day. I mean, tick-tock already. I just won’t get married in Seattle---to a guy who cries all the time---in a ceremony produced by a show called “The Bachelor”. That’s gotta be a bad omen.

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Choosing a Dude

2010-03-02T05:55:00.000-08:00

The worst season of the worst television show is over. Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka fulfilled his ABC contract by falling in love with two women and then asking the one his family hated to marry him. The worst kept secret in reality TV history is out. Jake chose Vienna, the dude.

The season finale of the Bachelor was 3 hours long, and yet there really isn't much to recap. Most of that time is spent hearing the same crap we've heard all season. It's just long, drawn out footage of 3 people, pensively sitting in front of a mountain while we hear a voice-over of them rambling on about how much they love a soulless idiot they met 2 weeks ago.

About 30 minutes of that time was spent watching Tenley, the runner up, talk non-stop as Jake's family fell in love with her. It was like watching the President. She had prepared speeches. Also, even though it breaks her heart to talk about it, Tenley managed to mention 400 times that she was once married.

The next 30 minutes were very dramatic. Jake introduced Vienna to his family and they hated her. They hated her personality, they hated her choice of words and they hated her dude face, I'm assuming. Towards the end of the encounter, the producers managed to convince Jake's family to tell the cameras that Vienna isn't that bad, she's just "being real".

The Bachelor is made much more enjoyable when the ending of the show is revealed and rumors of Vienna dumping Jake for her ex-boyfriend swirl across Tabloid magazines. Then you have my wife yelling "Liar!" at the TV for 3 hours. Every time Vienna mentioned how she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with Jake you'd hear, "Is the rest of your life 12 minutes? You didn't even make it to the finale!"

ABC did a great job of getting some Jake 'ab' shots in before it was all said and done. Jake and Vienna playfully spread Sulfur mud all over each other and made out under a waterfall. I kept waiting for the Predator to show up. These intimate moments in paradise are so uncomfortable to watch. All I can picture is the guy with the boom mic leaning over them to pick up the audio. I would love it if, just once, 'boom mic' guy fell from his ladder into the shot. Would they keep pretending to be in love with each other, or would they pause for a second to check his pulse?

Both girls were flown in on helicopters, one at a time, for the rose ceremony/ fake proposal. Tenley was dumped first. I imagine, to keep her hair intact, she had to sit in the helicopter for, at least, 10 minutes so the propeller could stop spinning. Jake started crying while dumping her. It was pretty dramatic. Tenley thanked Jake several times for dumping her.

Vienna, the dude, was flown in after that. She's unattractive and, like all contestants on this show, a horrible human being. Those must be the attributes Jake is looking for because he asked her to marry him. He first acted like he wasn't choosing her as a prank, but then let Vienna off the hook. Those pilots are hilarious. I screamed laughter for six hours. It was hard to sleep. My throat is sore.

ABC is in charge of punishing me for my sins, so they have a one-hour 'After the final rose' special that begins immediately after the finale. They brought out Tenley so she could mention, one more time, how she had been married before. They brought out Jake because Tenley had not yet cried enough. They brought out Vienna so we could see her Adam's apple.
Vienna addressed the tabloid rumors that she has a secret boyfriend. Vienna said, "I have a secret boyfriend. He's so secret, I don't even know who he is." The audience fell completely silent to her attempt at humor. She should leave the jokes to Jake. He's hilarious.

My wife was declared Jake the worst Bachelor of the series.

ABC also announced that Ali would be the next Bachelorette. Ali is attractive and whiney. She is an awful human being who will make life miserable for one lucky man in the spring. Recapping this show is like describing, in detail, how Veterinarians euthanize dogs. I hope to have you all back for the next season.

Good news America, if you're not yet completely sick of Jake and his abs, you can watch him on Dancing with the Stars. He joins Chad Ochocinco, Pamela Anderson and astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Read back that last sentence. I'm so glad that I do not watch that show.

There's an American Idol Fantasy draft happening Tuesday night. Fans of reality TV can check in here for recaps of the awfulness.

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Stretching 3 Minutes of Content into a 2-Hour Show

2010-02-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

I only need one word (crap) to recap Monday night's 'Women Tell All' episode of the Bachelor but, in true Bachelor fashion, I'm going to stretch things out to a 37-page recap. Let us first clarify what "The Women Tell All" actually means. It means, "The Women All Talk At Once and Say Nothing". It's an awful way to spend 2 hours, especially when you should only be spending about 10 minutes. The nice thing about "The Women Tell All" is that there is very little of Jake talking. They just unplug the Jake Robot and leave it in the corner for most of the show.

Monday night was strange. The producers had to work pretty hard to fill the full two hours, and I'm not even talking about sleeping with contestants. First, we watched some rare video footage from the show that has only been seen a few thousand times. (If I have to watch Jake and Vienna bungee-jumping from that bridge one more time, I'm inventing a time machine to go back and cut that rope.)

Then we saw the most useless bunch of people 'giving back' to the community. Past Bachelor and Bachelorette flunkies, who can't seem to go on with their lives and have someone how made a career of being annoying and promiscuous on television, were filmed doing community service. That amounts to fake women in tank tops and heels coldly handing small bags of groceries to whatever disheveled citizens the producers could manage to jam onto a bus and into Los Angeles. My favorite moment was an empty-headed snowboarder handing a grocery bag to a women and saying, "Here you go, bragh". Then the former contestants went back to a bar and were filmed having sex with each other. "Good Clean Fun", says this reporter.

"The Women Tell All" had reached the 48-minute mark and not one "Women" had begun to "Tell All". I felt like the guy from "the Pit and the Pendulum", only there were no rats around to chew my eyes out and save me.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know the winner this season, skip this paragraph)
ABC finally brought out a selection of contestants to give them one more chance at being on television. The girls were coached very well to say nice things about this year's eventual winner, Vienna. It was almost like there was a guy with a cattle prod, standing off camera, waiting to zap any girl who said something negative about Vienna. If my wife, who doesn't go on-line or read tabloid magazines, knows the secret about who wins this season of the Bachelor, it's not a very good secret.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know about every remaining season of the Bachelor for the rest of time, skip this sentence.)
The Bachelor sucks.

We all know how dramatic the Bachelor is, so it was no surprise that they upped the ante on drama for the "Women Tell All". Rozlyn came back to talk about sleeping with a producer and getting kicked off of the show. Rozlyn denied everything. She seemed to be lying. The rest of the contestants told stories about seeing her around the mansion, making out with this producer. They all seemed to be lying. The host of the show, Chris Harrison, repeatedly attacked Rozlyn's character. He seemed to be lying. The whole thing seemed very forced and staged. It was perfect 'Bachelor' material.

I guess readers of tabloid rags have been treated to some juicy rumors regarding the incident. I have nothing to say about this. I don't have anything left. I hate this show. I hate this recap. I am stopping, in the middle of this recap, to tell you people that I have nothing left. I hate myself. I hate that I have to pay attention to the most horrible sounds and images ever burned onto film just to recap it. It's like getting a job at an open landfill, describing all of the individual pieces of trash.

ABC is begging me to not watch the Bachelor anymore. How else can you explain what these monsters have done with the finale? They've decided to sprinkle in Live coverage of the unveiling of this year's cast of 'Dancing with the Stars'. I watch a lot of crap, but I refuse to watch a single second of that show. Refuse. "Refuse" is the British word for garbage.

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Sleeping With Three Women and Dumping One of Them

2010-02-16T05:44:00.001-08:00

This is the worst show in the history of television.

'Passions', 'Dharma and Greg' and 'Mama's Family' all seem entertaining next to the Bachelor. You could unhinge my jaw and jam a live wolverine down my throat and I would enjoy it more than the two hours spent in front of the television every Monday night.

You wouldn't think that a television network could make something horrible even more horrible, but ABC managed that feat with this Jake guy. He is about as likeable as a heat rash. Everytime he talks my eyes starting rolling into the back of my head and I have to fight off death. I hate him.

This Monday was a big day for Jake because he knew that, if one of the girls refused to sleep with him, he could send them home and they wouldn't be on television any more. Gia, Vienna and Tenley spent the weekend with Jake on the island of St. Lucia. There's nothing like a televised courtship on a gorgeous tropical island where television producers light candles and throw rose pedals on every inch of open space. It's the perfect way to get to know the real someone.

First Jake spent the day with Gia and then slept with her. Gia is attractive. She's really the only redeeming value of the show at this point.

Secondly, Tenley, with a voice that could wake the dead, praddled on about her divorce a little more in case America didn't hear her the first 6 episodes of the season. Then Jake slept with her.

FInally, Vienna and Jake dry humped on a pirate ship before jumping into the ocean to rub abs. Then Jake slept with her. Vienna is a dude. I'm just gonna lay that out there. She's a dude. I might be alone on this one, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. I've heard the term, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Sometimes, the eye beholds a dude. Also, she was planted by the producers to annoy people and make the show more interesting. (Who's with me?)

After Jake slept with the final three contestants, it was pretty much standard Bachelor fare, a commercial break, a rose ceremo......OMG ALI CALLED AND SHE WANTS JAKE BACK BECAUSE SHE MADE A BIG MISTAKE LEAVING LAST WEEK AND SHE CAN'T LIVE WITH HERSELF AND WHAT IS JAKE GONNA DO AND THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF DRAMATIC THINGS OMGLOLSCREAM!!!!!!!!!11111!ELEVENTY111111!!!

Yeah, this is the part of the show that made me want to lie down on the 90. Ali is rethinking her decision to leave the show. Apparently, when you "leave" a reality TV show to go back to your job, you bring a camera crew with you so they can capture heart-warming shots of you waking up in the morning with make-up on and staring lovingly at two giant promotional posters of Jake sitting on the night stand. Then this camera crew, that you apparently left behind, just happens to be filming as you sit pensively by the Golden Gate bridge in perfect lighting and lament your lost love, old what's-his-name.

In a magical moment, Jake is in the bedroom with a camera crew, packing a suitcase with his shirt off, as the phone rings. He has this, "Who could that be? I wasn't expecting a phone call!" look on his face. Jake leaves the room as we switch to a different camera, perfectly white-balanced, focused and situated by the phone on the night stand. We are then forced to sit through a grueling 'dramatic' phone call of Ali whining and Jake painfully trying to act.

The only true emotion that the Bachelor brings out in me is the pity I feel for any person who takes it the least bit serious. I've played games at the fair that were more sincere.

Anyway, Jake couldn't get Ali on a plane in time to sleep with her before the rose ceremony so she didn't go to St. Lucia.

Then Jake dumps the only girl who doesn't make me want to fist-fight a puma. We're down to Tenley and Vienna, who is a dude.

I'm not writing a recap for the 'Women Tell All' episode. I can't do it. I hate it. I would heat up oil and pour it into my eyes so I don't have watch 'the Women Tell All', but I would still be able to hear it, and that's just as depressing. Is there a longer two hours of television? Is there no end to the amount of rhetorical questions I'll ask? Allright, I'll recap 'the Women Tell All', but just because I'm up to 6 readers.

My favorite thing about writing this column are the 'spoilers' that appear in the comments section. Whether it be from word of mouth or internet leaks, people have been revealing the ending of this season of the Bachelor and tagging this information as a 'spoiler alert'. If you leave turkey on the counter, it spoils. If you reveal the ending of complete pile of garbage that is horribly produced and painfully drawn out, it's just more garbage. There are no winners on this show. Some people just have to stick around and annoy America a little longer.

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Pretending to be in Love to be on T.V.

2010-02-09T05:49:00.001-08:00

We have reached my favorite part of the Bachelor season. Jake the pilot narrowed down his decision to 4 girls and got to go to their home towns to meet the families. I thoroughly enjoy these episodes because the girls stop saying things like, "I think we have a connection" and start saying things like, "I'm falling for him". There's nothing better than pretend love for the sake of television. It's the American dream.

Due to a rigorous screening process, the home town dates are ususally set in very large expensive homes filled with well-dressed people. I'm always dissapointed that the Bachelor doesn't have to meet a girl's family in a trailer with some random drug addict scratching at the screen door the entire time.

Here's a recap of the 4 home town dates:
-Jake met Gia's family out at a New York City restaurant. Gia's brother Erick gave men everywhere some good news. It turns out that you don't have to put a lot of product in your hair to be on television. Just go the natural route. I'm being sarcastic because this herb had about 40 pounds of Paul Mitchell weighing down his skull. He looked like a 'Blooming Onion'. Erick managed to threaten to break Jake's legs to deter him from breaking Vienna's heart. Erick weighs 106 pounds. Jake followed up this threat by raising his glass and saying "I love this family". Then they all started crying. Gia is an attractive swimsuit model.

- Ali's took Jake to her dead grandmother's house so that Jake could meet her dead grandmother. Ali then professed that her dead grandmother has "accepted" Jake. I am not making that up. More on Ali later...in...what....could......have....been.... THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER!!!!!!

- The producers hired a nice fake family of Actors to play Vienna's family. Jake seemed to like them, as was part of the arrangement when he agreed to be the Bachelor. The entire fake home date was a success. Vienna's fake family liked Jake and felt like he was perfect for their fake daughter, who was planted by the producers to appear on the show to make it more interesting. When Vienna's fake Dad cried, I almost fake cried. It was all very dramatic.

- Tenley showed Jake how good she is at ballet dancing. Then she took Jake to her house so she and her family could cry for three hours. Then, after speaking with Jake for 20 minutes, Tenley's dad gave him permission to marry his daughter.

OMG! The Rose Ceremony was so dramatic! Do you want to know why? Because there was no Rose Ceremony! SCREEEEEEAAAAMMM!!!!

Ali's job threatened to fire her if she didn't leave the Bachelor and return to work. She talked it out with Jake for, what turned out to be, the longest 45 minutes of my life. She wanted Jake to give her a sign that she was going to win the game show. Jake is contractually obligated not to tell the girls who he chose until the last day. So, even though she was falling head over heels in love, Ali left the show to go do marketing. It was just like Romeo and Juliet.

Ali left and Jake pretended to be really broken up about it. Then he gathered himself up and gave a rose to three other women, including a swimsuit model.

The drama is killing me, slowly.

Super Bowl Commercial Recap

2010-02-08T05:46:00.000-08:00

Did you guys see the Super Bowl? I missed a lot of the game so I could take notes and give you this commercial recap because my boss respects me about as much as any of my ex-girlfriends do.

Before I recap the highlarity that resulted from millions of dollars of marketing research and CG technology, let us first take a look at where things went wrong. Football used to be a game of skill, finesse and cheating. Did you know that the very first professional football game played in 1892 wasn't even on television? Now, we have two weeks where every piece of meaningless drivel robotically delivered by an uncaring millionaire is sent directly to your phone.

There are people who view the big event specifically for the commercials. Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials is like making love for the exercise. Exercise should be third on your list behind 'procreation' and ahead of 'spite'. The Super Bowl should be watched for the football....and the gambling.

I guess I shouldn't complain. If Danica Patrick wants to pretend like she's almost going to get naked every year, I should just sit back and enjoy it. Here is your commercial recap:

- Super Bowl XLIV commercial breaks started out with a bang. Apparently, Russell Crowe is going to play Robin Hood. My immediate concern was over the threat of a possible comeback of that Bryan Adams song. Then I realized the 'Kevin Costner' Robin Hood came out almost twenty years ago. I feel old.

- I wonder if the people behind the advancement in Cinematography and special effects realize all of the trailblazing work that they've done led to Betty White being tackled in a Snicker's pick-up football game. If so, I hope that they're proud. That was a 'Win'.

- This year featured a large number of Ads with people smacking each other. I'm sure we'll find out, forty years from now, that our society is more violent because of Superbowl XLIV. The commercial with the little kid smacking his mother's date was a little jarring. I'm sure the good people at Doritos are busy reading letters today. The Doritos funeral commercial featuring a guy in a coffin full of Doritos watching football may have been the winner on Sunday.

- When I was 9, the Superbowl Shuffle was the greatest thing that ever happened, so it was hard for me to hate it yesterday. I do know that, if winning a Superbowl requires a dozen or so knee surgeries and the need for a Rascal Scooter at the age of 50, I'm glad I stunk at football.

- There wasn't a single person in my gathering of friends who isn't at least a little creped out by the E-trade babies. The commercial did lead to a heat discussion about 'Look Who's Talking' and whether or not it was 'cool' for a 12-year old boy to go see that movie at the theatre with his parents. Apparently, I'm not cool.

- The Saints won.

Superbowl Commercial Recap

2010-02-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

The biggest football game of the year will be played in Miami on Sunday and the itinerary has been handed to the WGR 550 staff. We will need to follow interviews, injury news, write a running diary of the game and give opinions on why the Saints/Colts came out on top. I'm in charge of watching the Superbowl commercials and telling you what I think.

I wish I was dead.

I hate Superbowl commercials and I'm being forced to pay attention to them. When am I supposed to use the bathroom? But, like Winston Churchill once said, "You dug your own grave with those Bachelor recaps. Now dig your way out."

The good news is that I'm already pretty confident that I know what kind of commercials are going to be shown. So, I'm writing the recap now in hopes that I won't have to do it again Sunday night.

Here's a recap of what think we'll see Sunday. If I'm wrong, you'll get another one next Monday.

Worst Five Commercials:
5. The anti-smoking commercial- These commercials are probably effective, but I object to the idea of the :30 documentary recap where they got 5 kittens addicted to smoking and then showed how slow they jog.

4. The unsettling beer commercial that shows an alcoholic trying to get rid of his DT shakes with a new easy-pour can that makes the beer come out faster.

3. Jamie Lee Curtis eating a case of high-fiber yogurt in the kitchen with her friends and then making out with a bunch of preubeasant boys.

2. Bud Bowl 4.

1. The digitally reanimated corpse of Billy Mays displaying a new line of NFL licensed Snuggies.

Best Five Commercials:

5. Godaddy.com upping the 'softcore porn' ante with Danica Patrick stranded in a desert with the 1985 Chicago Bears.

4. ABC's cross-promotion ad where they reveal the ending of 'Lost'.

3. Chris Berman, Marie Osmond and Dan Marino each shoveling in handfuls of weight loss pills to see who can shed the most pounds in 30 seconds.

2. The beer commercial where the horses stop playing football to run over and kick the Kardashian family to death.

1. Bud Bowl V.

I hope you agree with me on my recap. Again, if none of these commercials actually happen, check in next Monday for the real Superbowl commercial recap....unless I'm fired by then. (fingers crossed)

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Dramatic Rose Ceremonies

2010-02-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

When will women who want to be on a Reality Dating show learn? Never tell the Bachelor that you're saving yourself for marriage.

The only reasons a guy would subject himself to the process of leaving his life on hold for 6 months to listen to a dozen women complain about each other is so he can eventually have sex with a few of them in the fantasy suite. I've watched one hundred seasons of this show (it feels like one hundred) and there is always one girl who confesses that she's a virgin (like it's something you'd need to confess?) and they never make it to the end. Usually, the Bachelor never kicks a girl off the same week that she reveals her purity, but Jakey had some major groping to get in with there being just a few girls left.

So, we're now down to 4 women since Corrie told "fly boy" that she's not giving up the cookies.

Let's handi-cap the odds for the girls remaining.

Vienna- 3%
Considering that Vienna was planted by the producers of the Bachelor to pester and harrass the other girls and drum up ratings, I think she has a zero% chance of winning. Keep in mind that there is a 3% margin of error. Vienna is also ugly and kind of looks like a dude.

Tenley- 12%
I'm giving Tenley 12% because she's the most annoying girl in the history of the show. I hate her voice. I hate her smile. I hate that America probably think she's sincere, when no contestant on this show could ever be sincere.

Gia- 80%
Gia is a drop-dead gorgeous swimsuit model. What do you want here, talk about her personality? You're not getting it. I have no doubt that she's on the Bachelor to further her career and get some exposure. That usually makes me angry, but I'm just glad she's around. She's not annoying. She looks really good and gives me something to look forward to every week. Without Gia, I would spend the 2 hours looking for sharp objects to jam between my fingers to stay awake. Yes, I made her picture bigger on purpose.

Ali- 5%
Ali is spending all of her time trying to trash a woman planted by the producers to ruin the show. If you only get 3 minutes alone with a man to try and impress him enough to ask for your hand in marriage, try not talking about someone else the entire time. It's probably a turn-off. Ali is attractive, but I could see her getting angry and hitting kids. I don't know why I have this mental image of Ali leaning into the back of a Minivan to smack one of her children with a newspaper, but I can't shake it. She seems a little intense for me. Good thing I don't have abs. I don't have these kind of problems.

There you have it. Holy cow, next week is going to be so dramatic. It was revealed, in a promo at the end of Monday's show, that there will be no rose ceremony next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to put more exclamation points there, but I had to stop because I was crying so heavily.

Does ABC actually think that I'll be surprised that there's no Rose Ceremony next week? Of course there isn't. Mr. Pilot kicked a bunch of extra women off of the show a week early, so they need to fill to get to sweeps week. It's television science, not drama. I can't wait to see Jake get 'fake' upset over the idea of kicking more skanks to the curb and cancel the rose ceremony. It's going to be ultra-dramatic. It'll be Dramatically Dramatical.

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Dumping a Bunch of Women

2010-01-26T08:08:00.000-08:00

So, Jake is a nice guy because he cleared out half of the field Monday night in a couple of fell swoops. Okay, I didn't know that dumping double the number of women that a Television Network asked you to dump was honorable, but that's what happened.

It was the most dramatic dumping of 4 women in Bachelor history!!! (3 exclamation points, by the way....just sayin')

This pilot guy is a piece of work. First of all, between being the Bachelor this season, and being a contestant last season, this guy hasn't flown a plane in a year. Who wants to be on the first flight after Jake-e-poo is done ruining lives on his little show? When I miss a week of work, it takes me days to recover, and I just push buttons for an AM radio station. Jake flies planes. They better jam him into a simulator first.

Second of all, the Bachelor sucks. (Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee. I was assuming no one read down this far.)

For those of you keeping score at home, Jessie, Ashleigh, (that's actually how she spells 'Ashley'.) Ella and Kathryn (that's actually how she spells 'Catherine'.) all were sent home. Ella and Kathryn had a double date where only one girl was suppossed to get a rose. Jake booted both of them. Then, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Jake kicked out an extra girl.

This is how it happened. And, try to keep up because it was really dramatic:
There were two roses left and three girls waiting for their rose so they could be on T.V. longer.
Just as Jake was about to call out a name, he stopped. Then he pretended like he was going to cry, as was discussed earlier in the week with the producers. Then, he left the room to find Chris, the host of the show. Even though, in 8 seconds, Chris was about to come out and tell everyone that there was only one more rose left, he was nowhere to be found. This tool has one thing to do, tell the girls that there's only one rose left, and they can't find him. It was dramatically convenient.

They showed Jake talking to a producer, who then gets on a walkie-talkie, trying to find Chris. It's all very dramatic. Finally, they find Chris in the next room. Jake asks Chris for advice in dumping two women instead of one. Chris gives him the double thumbs up and then goes into the rose ceremony room and tells the girls that two of them are getting dumped so Jake doesn't have to. It was pretty dramatic.

That last two paragraphs were awful but, I'm quite certain no one is reading this so, I felt safe.

The most attractive woman remaining is Gia. She's a swimsuit model who is looking for true love. My pick to win has changed to Ali. She's an awful human being though, so she loses some points. My wife likes Tenley. For some reason, the sound of Tenley's voice doesn't make my wife want to murder people. We have our differences. The producers made Jake keep Vienna around because she annoys the rest of the girls and probably improves the ratings of this waste of resources we call a T.V. show.

ABC is constantly running promos in an attempt to find the next Bachelor. I told my wife that, if she dies in a train accident, I would wait a year to send a tape into the network. I argued that I can't wait too long because there aren't many Bachelors over the age of 35.
I even told her that she could help me make my tape now, just in case. She got mad. My wife doesn't believe in being prepared.

The Bachelor: On the Wings of an Anti-Climactic Episode

2010-01-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

I think only three girls cried during this week's episode of the Bachelor. It certainly was not the most dramatic episode ever.

The advertisers for this show have to be worried because I'm losing interest. You can't follow up an episode where a model sleeps around with stage grips with a nice quiet trip to Sea World. And what do the producers like so much about bungee jumping? Every season, someone is jumping off of a bridge with the Bachelor. It's getting old. That bridge was only 300 feet high. If the cord snapped, they both would have probably survived with minor head injuries.

My show recap is stained with disappointment. It can't be as much disappointment as the people who went out to see a comedy show one night and wound up watching 8 women get hammered and scream about how much they hate Vienna.

The only semi-dramatic event from Week 3 was the departure of the clearly insane Michelle. For those of you who don't watch the show, Michelle was brought in by the producers to give the show it's first ever triple-homicide. They were picking contestants when they saw her out in the street eating a live Robin. They dragged her into the ABC studios, combed her hair and threw her into a dress. Then, they gave her enough Meds to survive a couple of weeks. It was fun while it lasted.

It is truly disheartening how it ended for Michelle. I wanted to see blood. You can't just allow that nutjob to leave the show in the middle of an episode. I wanted her exit to be dramatic.
Picture a rose ceremony where she doesn't end up with a rose and just snaps. She grabs Tenley's rose and stabs her in the throat with it. Then she takes out Jake with the heel of her shoe in a murder-suicide rage. I know that is what the producers wanted.

Not surprisingly, Jake said goodbye to my favorite, Elizabeth from Nebraska, because she wouldn't kiss him. Poor Elizabeth just played the game wrong. If you're competing with 10 other girls almost as smoking hot as you, you gotta "give up the cookies". (That phrase was stolen from Mokita of the T.O. show.)

I found it funny when Elizabeth questioned Jake about the need to kiss her and he said, "Kissing is how I show affection". I would hate to be his nephew.

I would express surprise over Valishia being sent home, but I honestly do not remember ever seeing her on the show. I'm not sure that she wasn't just planted in as an extra for week 3. That doesn't say much about her impression on Jake.

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Sleeping With A Boom Mic Operator

2010-01-12T05:19:00.000-08:00

The whole premise of this season's 'Bachelor' is that nice guys don't have to finish last. It's too bad that, on the second episode, the hottest "contestant" had sex with a member of the production crew. I wonder if Jake feels that he has won under this scenario?

Rozlyn, a model who was on the show to find true love and not to further her career in a lucrative but cut-throat field, was so enamored with Jake that she held out for 24 hours before rubbing up against the nearest male she could find.

Rozlyn was confronted during the cocktail reception before the rose ceremony by the Host of the show, Chris. Unlike every Major League Baseball player, she did not deny any wrong doing. She just packed her bags and left. IT WAS THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR EVER!

It was a dumb move. I'm sure her agent is seething. She would have made it until the final week and would have had that much more exposure time to nail down that Revlon gig.

Can I say something? How cool is this 'Production Assistant'? You're some grip on a TV show set, and you convince a smoking hot model to ruin her chances of winning a fake-love reality show for a make-out session. This guy needs to have his own reality TV show. Either that, or this Rozlyn chic is a sex-crazed nymphomaniac. In which case, she definitely needs to have her own show.....on Cinemax.

Other happenings:

My favorite to win, Elizabeth from Nebraska, ruined any chance of that happening by telling Jake he can't kiss her until she's chosen as his bride. Might as well pack that suitcase, Liz. I can already hear Jake spouting some bullcrap about needing to "see if the chemistry is there". The bottom line is, you don't go making your own rules, Liz. It's 'The Bachelor', not 'The attention-starved Nanny'.

The producers purposely kept the insane chic, Michelle, away from Jake this week so he wouldn't get to spend time with her and figure out that she's out of her mind. She didn't get a date and that always means getting a rose. When are these girls going to figure this out? Look at that one girl who broke her ankle a couple of seasons ago. She got two sympathy weeks out of that injury.

With Michelle around, viewers actually have something interesting to watch. This psychopath will slap someone before the season is over. I'm hoping it's Vienna.

Next week, someone else gets kicked off of the show for doing something bad. I'll just assume Michelle murdered 6 people.

Bachelor Recap- On The Wings of Love

2010-01-05T05:16:00.000-08:00

It is that time of year America. It's time for life to hold my arms behind my back and pound me in the stomach with the butt end of a rifle.

The Bachelor is back on the air.

For those of you who don't watch and are new to the show, one guy chooses a bride from 25 women. 23 of them are hot. 7 of them are planted by the producers to stir up drama and controversy. 11 of them are models or actresses auditioning for future talk show roles with ABC. 4 of them are completely out of their minds. All of them will claim to love him 17 minutes after meeting him.

This season, Jake Pavelka transforms himself from a jilted contestant to 'the Bachelor'. Jake is a nice-guy pilot from Texas who was rejected by last season's Bachelorette, Jilian. Now, he gets to choose from 25 beautiful women in what is expected to be the most dramatic season ever. Every season they say it's "the most dramatic season ever". Eventually, we are going to have to reach the breaking point of drama.

They have titled the season, "On the wings of Love", because Jake is a pilot. It's such a touching sentiment. There are rumors that, next season, The Bachelor is a garbage man. They are going to title it, "Love comes to the curb every Monday morning at 8".

Here is a recap of Episode 1:

-The "Abs" bar has been raised this season. Jake has brought some serious abs to the table and ABC wasted no time showing these suckers off. While describing how Jake is a normal, nice guy who always finishes last, they provide footage of him doing construction with his shirt off. I tried to build a shed this summer but my shirt kept getting caught in the band saw. If I only I had Jake's experience. There was a lingering shot of Jake in the shower where they showed him soaping up an ab for, like, 7 seconds. You might not think that's long, but go ahead and count to 7.

- In the interview portion of the show, Jake tells the host Chris that, after getting his heart broke by Jilian, he needed some time to recover. It would be a week and a half before they starting filming the new season. The paperwork would have to be filled out before filming began, so Jake probably had a solid hour or two before deciding he wanted to be the next Bachelor. Luckily, his heart wasn't really broken, so the transition was smooth.

- Jake stands in front of a mansion as 5 limos pull up, each carrying 5 contestants. Jake will meet each of these women, one at a time. They will say something awkward and then go inside and start drinking a helacious amount of alcohol. I've noticed that a lot of girls have been using props during their initial meeting to make more of an impression. Some girl named Valishia gave him dirt from Texas. Another girl gave him a red cooler full of ice and an actual human heart.

- You are given early clues as to who will last a couple of episodes on the show. Like, when a girl with giganic breats named Vienna is introduced, they show you a detailed, 4-minute video package describing her life back home. She's making it through a rose ceremony or two. Vienna was blonde, stunningly beautiful and had a little dog. She has never had to ask for anything her entire life. I wish they would show her doing her taxes.

- Tenley was an incredibly stupid 15-year old Dancer who got the first impression rose. She struck me as mentally unstable. During her video montage, they showed her lying around her apartment, thinking. The idea was, she was thinking about finding her true love. All I could think of was the producers instructing her to "lie down on the couch and think". And then Tenley would ask, "What should I think of?" And then the producers would say, "Think about finding your true love". And then Tenley would ask, "Like this? Does this look like I'm thinking about finding my true love?" And then the producers would say, "Yes, that's great. Just stop talking."

- My favorite to win the show was Elizabeth from Nebraska (pictures left). She's hot, somewhat normal, and will look good hosting the New Years Eve ball drop or whatever reality show ABC has lined up for her future.

- Michelle was completely out of her mind. 10 minutes after meeting Jake, she started crying because 24 other souless women were talking to him and she was suppossed to be the only souless woman who was allowed to do that. You see, Michelle is in love with Jake. When she finally got her chance to talk to Jake, she said, "I..um...would ... love to be...um....the passenger in your....um...........plane."

Michelle would be on her way home on account of being insane and stupid, but the producers get to choose a couple of contestants that Jake must move to the next round to keep the show interesting. Otherwise, he would meet Elizabeth and then tell everyone else to go home 4 seconds into the season.

- After the Bachelor, ABC rolled out a show called 'Conveyor Belt of Love'. As you might have guessed, 5 girls sit in chairs as 30 guys roll by on a conveyor belt and they choose which ones they want to go out on a date with. I got all choked up while watching 'Conveyor Belt of Love' because that's how my parents met.

SkunkPost.com || Sitting down with standup comics

2009-12-08T07:50:00.001-08:00

SkunkPost.com || Sitting down with standup comics

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An Open Letter To The Creator of Spider Solitaire

2009-11-19T09:30:00.001-08:00

First off, don't tell me it's random. That's a bunch of bull. When I'm looking at 47 cards, and none of them are a '7', that's carefully engineered torture.

Secondly, die. Just die, creator of Spider Solitaire. Die.

Thirdly, before you die, explain to me what happened to you as a child that warped you into thinking that plopping a 6 of clubs on my run of hearts is "fun". As I stated before, there are no '7's, creator of Spider Solitaire. Where am I suppossed to put this 6 of clubs? I can tell you where I'd like to put it, but it won't help me win the tinfoil-chew you call a computer game. Were you beaten as a child, Spider Solitaire creator? Were you neglected? Is this because Mom didn't look at that picture you drew of a horse?

I hate you creator of Spider Solitaire. You're a punk.

"Wow! The entire morning I've wasted playing this stupid game is paying off! I'm about to win....Oh look, a bunch of Aces that do me absolutely no good! Thanks, creator of Spider Solitaire! You're Aces!"

I hope you're stung by a bunch of hornets.

Art And Music

2009-11-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

Buffalonians looking for some culture this weekend can double up with a Music and Art Combo.

Ron Hawkins, from the Lowest of the Low and the Rusty Nails, will debut his paintings and his new Album.

The Vault art gallery at 702 Main will have more than two dozen new paintings by Ron Hawkins on display Friday, November 13. The artwork includes portraits of musicians including Johnny Cash, Feist, Joe Strummer, Jeff Tweedy, Sid Vicious and Tom Waits.

On Saturday night, November 14, Ron will appear at the Allendale Theatre, 203 Allen Street to play songs from his new Album, 10 Kinds of Lonely, for the first time in the U.S.

I had a chance to interview Ron over the phone and you can listen to it through this link:

http://www.wgr550.com/Audio-Archive---Schopp---The-Bulldog/1271132

You can visit ronhawkins.com for more info.

Pick A Century

2009-10-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's unanimous. The best time to be a 92-year old is right now.

Pick a better century.

0-to-100 Would have been fun with all of the Jesus excitement, plus there were Lions in Europe but you had to go to the bathroom outside. Everything happened in town, so the rent for a downtown apartment would have been steep. Good luck if you're allergic to leather.

100-to-200 Would have been awful. If you tried to tell Commodus he was full of shit for claiming to be Hercules reincarnated, he would have had you burned at the stake. Although, I'll bet that beer was delicious in 150. It was probably about 18 percent alcohol back then. Your back hurt constantly.

200-to-300 Sure, Commodus was dead by now, but you had to walk to town to bathe with people. (Again, a downtown apartment was key.) The last thing I want to deal with in the morning is a bunch of old dudes checking out my junk. At least eyeglasses were invented, so I could drive at night.

300-to-400 People stopped setting Rome on fire, but try getting that smell out of your clothes. We were still about 1600 years away from 'Snuggle'. And sure, there are free horses all over the place, but try catching one. You could throw a spear at its legs but then your horse would have a limp. And it'll never trust you.

400-to-500 Everyone has opium but there are no comfortable chairs.

500-to-600 I like silk as much as the next guy, but if you're stabbing people in the face for it, you're living in a pretty boring century. If you're Asian, most of your friends have Black Death, which cancels League Night. Backgammon is invented. It's been 1500 years, and I still don't know how to play it.

600-to-700 They say 100 million people were killed by the Plague of Justinian, so parking is ample but you're spending most of your time at funerals. Money is finally made of paper, but now you need a wallet. English poetry is invented, so some sensitive, douche bag British guy is bound to steal your girlfriend because he notices birds.

700-to-800 We have harps but Vikings are are crashing our beach parties and killing people. The Byzantines and Arabs keep bothering you to pick a side. Horses are finally doing most of the work but it costs a fortune to feed them.

800-to-900 The Chinese have gunpowder so the streets aren't safe anymore. Tree stump removal is near impossible. Alfred starts calling himself 'Alfred the Great' so there's no talking to him. It takes you 8 years to make a decent canoe and one of the kids from town throws a rock at it.

900-to-1000 Seriously, nothing happened for 100 years and the smell was overpowering.

1000-to-1100 There's finally something to read but it's in Japanese and you're still a thousand years away from being able to walk to Best Buy to get Rosetta Stone. Math is now everywhere. There are finally hospitals for your head wounds but the lines are unbearable. We have clocks, but no TV-info button to press to see at what time we should set our new clocks. People are still dying from colds.

1100-to-1200 Your friends are annoying the shit out of you over 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111. They're throwing 11/11/1111 parties and the line at the market is nuts for the entire week. It still takes a half-hour to use the bathroom so you miss the whole thing and you're not even going to be alive for 12:12:12 on 12/12/1212.

1200-to-1300 Your girlfriend keeps wondering aloud what Genghis Kahn is like and you keep telling her "He's just going to rape you!" You've burned half of your life making bread, not to mention the time spent picking floaties out of your water. Eye glasses are better, but so are hand guns.

1300-to-1400 There's nothing to eat in Europe. You're natural instincts start to deteriorate because of the compass. There are 3 popes. People are finally starting to get soup right but 20 different Philosophers are contradicting each other. If you sleep 4 hours on a 13th century mattress, it's a good night.

1400-to-1500 Guilliaume Dufay is making quality music but you have to ride a horse 1,500 miles to hear it and, by the time you get there, he's dead. The First Bank of Earth is invented. Patrons can't even threaten to take their 17 dollars to a different bank if they don't take away a couple of overdraft charges. Christopher Columbus gets lost and then brings syphilis from the New World back to Europe, killing millions. The Scotch invent Whiskey. Someone goes to work on Asprin.

1500-to-1600 Your girlfriend keeps bugging you to take her to see the Sistine Chapel. By popular demand, you now have the letter 'J', but you're stabbed to death by a Tartar. Woman are finally wearing make-up but most of them have syphilis because of that asshole, Columbus. William Shakespeare invents the chic-flick.

1600-to-1700 You've finally gotten the hang of fractions and then Gottfried Leibnitz invents the Binary system. They build Havard and now your parents are constantly on you to get in there. There's finally ice cream but there's only, like, 3 flavors. There's now an Opera House in Venice but the scalpers are brutal.

1700-to-1800 Everyone in France is moody. People start asking you to put political posters on your lawn. You keep burning yourself with steam. The cost of tea skyrockets in Boston. You have no idea what "skyrocket" means. There are finally pianos but, now every song has a piano solo. Your girlfriend keeps bothering you to build an addition because Samuel Miller invented a Circular Saw. Everywhere you look, a Volcano is erupting.

1800-to-1900 Restaurants are finally washing lettuce but the silverware weighs 30 pounds. If you were a part of an empire, it just collapsed. You spent all day digging a canal and, suddenly, you don't feel so hot. There is finally Football, but no 'Sunday Ticket'.

1900-to-present Nachos and Snow Tires. Thanks to plastics and wiring, I can yell at an 8-year old in Prague that he made me die in HALO. We're so spoiled by scented detergent that someone has to invent unscented detergent. I can use the bathroom during the commercial break. If my wife starts crying, I can pause 'Die Hard'. The Bills suck but Red Robin keeps bringing you more French Fries. Paula Abdul leaves 'Idol'. If the Mayans were right, you've only got 2 years to finish that novel.

The facts speak for themselves. There is no better time to be 92-years old.

Salt As a Present

2009-10-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

My wife got me a Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for my birthday. Salt Rocks release negative ions into the air when they come into contact with moisture. I was shooing the negative ions out the window until my wife explained to me that they're a good thing.

You see, negative ions attach themselves to pollen, mold, and fart particles and destroy them without prejudice.

If you still don't understand, I'll explain it in laymans' terms.

Picture Tom Berenger in "The Substitute". Now, Tom Berenger is the 'negative ion' and the students running an illegal drug operation through Tom Berenger's High School are the 'air particles that cause colds and famine'.

Tom Berenger is not going to just sit there and let dirty air particles mess up his school. He's an ex-marine. Plus, there are a couple of good air particles who are there to learn.

So Tom Berenger smashes some of the bad air particles in the throat with chairs. He throws one of them out of the library window. He beats the crap out of Wolfson while two guys making Jai-Alai rackets just sit there and watch. Then he finds out Wilson from Ghostbusters, one of the good air particles who was the principal, is actually running the whole drug operation.

What would you do if you were Tom Berenger?

You'd kill Wilson from Ghostbusters to purify the air.

I love my new Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp. I've already added 3 inches to my vertical jump with all of the negative ions killing dander and making the air easier to jump through. I plan on bringing a 300-foot orange extension cord down to the basketball courts so I can plug in my Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp and dunk on some Herb's mold-infested head.

I find myself driving through neighborhoods and watching other people open their birthday presents. I hope they enjoy their 'Beatles Rock Band' as the Dust Mites infiltrate their ear canals and shorten their lifespan. I'll be home curled up in bed with my Salt Lamp, cackling laughter. Living forever.

And, Yes. Mold-infested is hyphenated so don't bother opening a new window to look it up.

Amusement Parks Are Breeding Grounds For Fun

2009-06-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

I recently visited one of the Amusement Parks in the Western New York area. Luckily, I brought a pen and pad of paper to keep track of some staggering statistics.

Number of Important Safety announcements coherently communicated by Park Staff over the PA: Zero
Percentage of English-speaking Patrons: 53%
Number of Noticeably Pregnant Women in line to go on a Roller Coaster with a 200-foot drop: One
Number of Couples making love in the Men's room, 15-feet from the Kiddy Rides: One, possibly two.
Number of Band-Aids lying on Park Grounds: Eleven
Percentage of People with Tattoos on their throat: 37%
Percentage of Men pushing strollers who still wished to be alive: 17%
Percentage of People wearing T-shirts with words on them: 96%
Percentage of People with no shirt: 4%
Percentage of People in Park who might be considered attractive: 1%
Number of Patrons urinating while waiting in line for a ride: Three
Number of 2-year olds seemingly left unattended for over 10 minutes while the parents rode the Scrambler: One
Number of times hearing a Ride Attendant yell at kids to get off of the Waiting Line Rails: Countless
Number of Pounds I weigh: 211 lbs.
Number of Pounds guessed by 'Birthday, Age, Weight Game' Guy: 184lbs.
Number of times I walked by a Corn Dog Stand and bought a Corn Dog: Zero
Number of times I felt Regret: Countless

Do I Have the Chops?

2009-05-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered if I could make it as a Hollywood writer.

I've never submitted jokes to Leno or wrote a 'Murphy Brown', but I've kicked around some ideas. One involved Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruining the Red Sox 2004 World Series win by dancing around on the field, but someone beat me to that.

A big problem would be coming up with a winning concept for a sitcom, and then having to keep the ideas flowing season to season.

Watching re-runs of 'Home Improvement' has left me doubting myself. These guys were pro's.

Take Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor's neighbor 'Wilson'. They decided early on that it would be a good idea to never show his whole face. But the series lasted for 9 seasons.

That's 9 seasons of writing clever ways to show only half of a guy's face. Examples of brilliance include: a fence, ski masks and eating cotton candy. How would I have kept that streak going?
I decided to see if I could write some 'Wilson' scenarios that would allow America to enjoy the show without having to see all of Earl Hindman.

Scenario 1- Tim digs a moat around his house and fills it with sulfuric acid. Wilson accidentally dips half of his face into the moat while doing hand-stand push-ups.

Scenario 2- Wilson becomes a Coke fiend and is constantly making out with hookers with big hair.

Scenario 3- Wilson is knocked unconscious with a boat oar and wakes up thinking he's the 1992-93 version of Pat Lafontaine; wearing the jaw protection shield that covers the bottom half of his face.

Scenario 4- Wilson and the middle Taylor kid that no one likes get into a machete fight. Wilson kills him, but not before that mullet-headed brat gets in a good face-gash. Wilson is then forced to wear bandages for the next week of 'court case' shows.

Scenario 5- Wilson loses all of his money after Tim accidentally burns down his house with road flares. To supplement his income, Wilson gets a Goldenpalace.com tattoo on the lower half of his face.

Scenario 6- Tim's wife bakes Wilson a big cake and he sits down behind it.

I was thinking about mailing these in, just in case Wilson gets his own spin-off show. Feel free to send along your suggestions. There's a good chance a new 'Wilson' show would last decades, so I want to have as much fuel as possible.

Or, You Can Shoot Me in the Face

2009-04-30T18:35:00.001-07:00

(Editor's Note- If you haven't seen the movie 'Marley and Me', or are a huge fan of grammar, don't read this article.)

My wife and I were out to rent a movie the other night. We wanted something fun and light. The back of the 'Marley and Me' box said, "The #1 Family Comedy".

I had no idea that American Families found the slow, painful death of Golden Retrievers so hilarious. I can't wait for the side-splitting sequel to 'Marley and Me' where a litter of kittens gets lost in the woods and then stumbles onto the Interstate during rush hour.

'Marley and Me' is the most dramatic, depressing movie I have ever seen. It makes 'Beaches' look like 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Here's an idea. Let's take a beautiful creature and allow an audience to fall in love with it for 60 minutes. Then, we'll rip out everybody's soul with a solid 7 minute scene of a man saying goodbye to his best friend while poison courses through its veins, ending its life.

If you had plans to gather the kids around the tube for some 'Marley and Me', be prepared to explain to them why dogs die. It's bound to come up in conversation. Also, buy them black eye liner and Depeche Mode CD's, because they're going to turn into depressed, EMO's who hate you for the rest of their lives for renting 'Marley and Me'.

You might want to just eliminate the middle man, go out and buy a puppy, and then beat it in front of them.

The worst part of burning a Saturday night on "Marley and Me" was the fact that my wife fell asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So, when I got to the scene of an aged Marley sleeping with the kids in the bunk bed, I was alone in the dark, absolutely bawling my eyes out. I actually had to try and restrain myself from shaking, so as to not wake up my wife.

The next day, I'm in the shower and she's in the bathroom getting ready for work. She casually asks, "How was the ending to 'Marley and Me'." And I started crying all over again while explaining it to her. I'm pretty sure that any chance I had of being the dominant member of this marriage is gone. It's a good thing that we don't have a gardener.

If you're not a dog-lover, this blog will not connect with you. I guess, try to picture Brett Hull skating around the H.S.B.C. Arena with the Stanley Cup, and then running up into the stands and making out with your Dad. If that doesn't work as an analogy, I'm out of ideas.

I'm being unfair. 'Marley and Me' is an excellent movie. It just hurts so bad.

Do Your Research

2009-04-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

No one likes living with regret. Think of how bad the Sabres want back four games against Atlanta. You would think I would learn from their mistake and try harder in life. Sadly, that is not the case.

My wife and I, for the first time, used one of those DVD vending machines Sunday night. The selection was vast and there was a line behind us, so we rushed to pick a movie. I remembered seeing ads for the movie '10,000 B.C.' and it looked decent. She, under pressure, agreed so we swiped and carried it home.

Then I got home and opened up the case for a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. The lead actor was Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. It was a movie made for television and, quite possibly, the worst thing ever burned onto a disc.

Here's the plot: An army scientist (Michael Gross) discovers time travel in the 1940's and sends his brother back 70 million years. He can't get him back. 60 years later, he sends a bunch of soldiers to 70 million B.C. to bring his brother back to the present.

Problem #1- They go 70 million years into the past in a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. They're off by 30 million years.
Problem #2 They don't just go back 60 years to talk Michael Gross out of sending his brother back in time.
Problem #3- Michael Gross is the star of the movie.
Problem #3- No nudity
Problem #4- A dinosaur jumps up and eats a helicopter.
Problem #5- A man kills a pterodactyl with a prehistoric bow and arrow.
Problem #6- The special effects rival the original 'King Kong'.
Problem #7- I rented it...and, because I used a card, the government knows I rented it.

I am well aware of the fact that they specifically named the movie '100 Million B.C.' for the sole purpose of duping people like me into renting it, thinking it was 10,000 B.C.

On the bright side, there is no chance that the hour and a half of my life wasted while viewing this movie would have been spent doing anything constructive.

Ghosts

2009-03-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I was afraid of ghosts. My dad was always in the basement fixing televisions proving that he was not afraid of the ghosts down there. So, I assumed that people out-grew their fear of ghosts.

That is not the case. I am still afraid of ghosts. When I’m alone in the house, I throw wrenches at the closet. When the phone rings, I answer it crying. I can’t go to the beach because of the beach ghosts.

My dad is so lucky. He did not grow up in a time of advanced special effects from the cinematic industry. His imagination couldn’t create the kind of demonic, messed-up bullshit that my mind can create. My dad probably doesn’t know about the demons that rape families.

I tried to make my own ghost-busting backpack but the fucking government is all over my ass about the proton acceleration. So, I’m suing them.

How come ghosts only hang out in basements and creepy abandoned places? If you had the power to go anywhere you wanted, wouldn't you haunt Dave and Busters? It shows how fucking stupid ghosts are. Sometimes I change the channel when something interesting is on television, just in case there's a ghost in the room who was trying to watch over my shoulder. They hate that.

In the movies, ghosts always get people who are showering or making love, so I’ve decided to stop doing both. I’d love to see those fuckers’ faces while I sit here all smelly and celibate.
And if you’re a hot chic sent by the ghosts to make love to me in the shower, forget it. I’m not falling for it.

So, it's on, ghosts! You fuckers have hung out in my basement making noises long enough. Stop making the microwave clock run slow and I'll stop hanging around getting drunk on Sundays and writing about how much I hate you.

After the Final Rose Blog

2009-03-03T06:23:00.001-08:00

(Warning! Parts of this blog are so emotional and so dramatic that we've decided to present it without a live studio audience to make things as intimate as possible.)

Last night, Jason Mesnick 'The Bachelor', completed his quest to find the one true love of his life and the mother that would help him raise his three-year old son. It was the most dramatic season finale in 'Bachelor' history...as long as 'dramatic' now means 'contrived' and 'shallow'.

For those of you who didn't watch 'The Bachelor' Monday night, here is what happened:

- Jason had to choose between Melissa and Molly.
- Jason chose Melissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
- After the show, on the traditional follow-up episode where they check on the happy couple, Jason dumped Melissa and went back to Molly.

What a fairy tale ending.

It was a pretty intense episode. They filmed the finale in New Zealand. It's a good idea, when deciding who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to do it in a gorgeous vacation destination. I could just picture the happy couple 6 months after the show is over. They're at Block Buster trying to decide between 'Sister Act 2' and 'The Abyss' and she's all like, "The idea of living with you was a lot better when a network limo driver used to shuttle us around between Helicopter rides over the Grand Canyon and Hot Tub fantasy dates."

Jason introduced both girls to his son, Ty. He then brought both girls to meet his family. This witch named Deanna, 'The Bachlorette from two seasons ago who dumped Jason, comes back to get a couple more minutes on camera. She offered Jason a quickie. He declined. After that, Jason had one more chance to dry-hump each contestant before making his "final" decision.

I love the fact that, for the entire season, Jason preached on and on about how important it was for the girl he chose to be right for his son. Ty is the most important thing in his life and he can't be with a girl unless she clicked with him. So, he takes Ty to the beach and let's each girl spend an hour throwing Ty a frisbee. That seems like a solid gauge on how she'll treat Ty for the next 40 years, "Throw Ty a frisbee...Oh She's perfect!"

The moments after Jason proposed to Melissa were excruciatingly awkward to watch. Some dude in a headset pushes the 3-year old onto the set so we can see the dramatic moment of little Ty sharing the happiness with his Dad and Dad's new bride-to-be. Ty goes running up to give his dad a hug and Melissa, thrilled that she won the game-show, tries to grab the kid to hug him. Ty went flying past her like she was a complete stranger. I'm guessing it's because she was a complete stranger.

At least 4 times in the final 3 minutes they show Melissa trying to hug this clueless 3-year old who wants nothing to do with her and will have to spend the next 18-years in therapy because his dad wanted to be on T.V. again.

The 'After the Rose' show begins immediately after the season finale of 'The Bachelor'. Normally, they just interview the couple in front of a live audience to see how their relationship is developing.

Chris, the host of the show, announces that there will be no live audience because of how "dramatic" the events to follow will be. Jason comes out for a short one-on-one. He's sad because he's only had one girl to rub abs with for awhile and he's getting sick of her. Then they bring Melissa out so he can dump her on National Television. I'm not sure if I believe that she didn't know she was going out there to be dumped, but the whole thing seemed convincing.

They push Melissa into an ABC limo because it wasn't embarrassing enough to be dumped on National Television, they need to capture her heartbreak on camera during the car ride home. Then, they bring Molly back on stage so Jason can ask her if coming in second place is okay. They agree to date for 6 months until Jason gets sick of her. Roll credits.

It was the perfect ending to the worst season in 'Bachelor' history. I'm getting choked up just thinking about how I have to go through the rest of the year without watching heartless people manipulate each other. To get my fix, I plan to go down to the kennel to punch stray puppies in the face.

There is one more 'After the Rose' episode tonight. Unless the world ends. (fingers crossed)

100 Million Dollars

2009-02-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

I don't play the lottery, so I'll never have $100 million. Unless, I'm holding a cheeseburger and Albert Haynesworth and I are stranded in a desert. Then I could sell the cheeseburger to him for $100 million. It pays to always have a cheeseburger somewhere on your person.

As sports fans, we're no stranger to these ludicrous deals given to athletes. In tough economic times though, $100 million contracts tend to seem even more absurd.

So instead of being jealous, I'll just dwell on the good things about not having 100 million dollars. Here are the reasons why I'm glad that I'm poor:
- No one wants to talk to me ever.
- When I do my taxes, it takes one sheet of paper. And there's zero chance the government ever knocks on my door to find out how I can afford my couch.
- If I accidentally leave a rake on my front lawn, my neighbors don't grab it and stab themselves in the face so they can sue me.
- I don't have to get a personalized liscense plate.
- When struggling people I've never met can't afford medication for their sick children, they don't think of me with hatred in their hearts.
- I don't have to put up with all of those moody super-models.
- If a strange drunk guy hands me a one hundred dollar bill, I won't be annoyed.
- I'll never have to send out emails to people, asking them to hold onto my fortune because I'm in danger of losing it to my corrupt, foreign government.
- Zero Expectations!!!!!

I hope this list helps you get through these trying times of NFL Free Agency.

ABC Is A Big Ole' Pimp

2009-02-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

ABC's 'The Bachelor' is a swanky, stream-lined game of 'Spin the Bottle' and America is watching.

When we last left our hero, Jason Mesnick, he had his field of 25 ladies narrowed down to 3. And the best soft-core pornography was still in store.

If you don't watch 'The Bachelor', I'll get you up to speed on the show:
- One man sends ABC a video of himself, showing his abs, and asks the network to make him the next 'Bachelor' contestant.
- ABC chooses 25 women, 7 of them completely insane, and sends them to California or Rome to battle with each other for the right to pretend like they're in love with a total stranger.
- 'The Bachelor' makes out with said skanks while telling the camera that he's just looking for a Mom for his infant son that he's abandoned during the taping of the season.
- The final contestant agrees to marry 'The Bachelor' and they date for 6 months until a domestic abuse charge tears the relationship apart.

Now that you're almost caught up, here's what you missed Monday:
Each of the three girls travel to New Zealand to spend one day with Jason. The initial arrangement calls for the girls to sleep in a separate suite. ABC then puts the girls on the spot by having them open an envelope and reading, on national television, an invitation to sleep in the same room with 'The Bachelor'. 'The Bachelor' then has sex with them, we can only assume. The next day, he dumps one of them.

Monday's show was awesome. Jason kept talking about how he wanted each girl to let their guard down and tell him how they really felt. This led to incredibly awkward scenes of the finalists trying to ramble through their fake heart-felt speeches, followed by Jason saying absolutely nothing.

To paraphrase:
- Attention Seeking Tramp- "...I know I keep my guard up and it's hard when you're competing with these other girls, but I am generating feelings. I do think we have a connection and.....I'm falling for you."
- Jason- "....okay. Thanks."

If you're keeping score at home, Mellissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and Molly are the two remaining girls.Jillian from Canada was just sent home after having sex with Jason. Apparently, that didn't go well. I liked Jillian. I was rooting for her to win. Of course, I have never had sex with her.

My wife asks me why I'm so hard on the contestants and 'The Bachelor' himself. He does not, admittedly, seem like a bad guy.
Here's my response:
I believe that a person could think the idea of going on a T.V. show and meeting a mate is a good idea. I do not believe that dating someone six times with several other attractive men/women also dating that person, while not able to communicate in a regular fashion because the entire interaction is being taped by a cameraman three feet away and then broadcast to millions of people on television, is a good way to find a mate.

Jason went through this process once as a contestant, and then decided it would be a good idea to put 25 women through the same torture he endured when he was dumped on National Television. He's either a homicidal maniac or an attention starved whore.

Next week: I'll tell you why Deanna, last season's Bachelorette, is the worst human being to ever walk on God's Earth. That's why I hate everything about this show.

----
I spell-checked this blog and my computer doesn't recognize the word 'skank'. My computer is so naive to the real world.

Failing the Test

2009-01-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered how you would perform if pushed?

As man grown man, I often wondered how I would fare if someone came at me in a dark parking lot. Would I panic and throw my wallet at my assailant or show some moxie and put up the dukes? If a crazed German Sheppard came charging out at me in the street, would I run for the nearest car or feed it my left arm and go for the eyes with my right?

Last night, I was set to watch American Idol while recording Canadiens/ Bruins on Versus at the same time. It turns out my wife was also recording the Biggest Loser, so one of the shows had to be missed and I didn't even offer up a whimper.

Basically, I watched two hours of horrible reality television while taping an inevitable two different hours of horrible reality television. I did get even though. After she fell asleep while cuddling on the couch, I lifted the remote control and dropped it on her head. When she woke up, startled, I pretended like it was an accident.

It's all about sacrifices.

If you missed episode 1 of Idol from Arizona I have the highlights:

- They kept showing footage of cacti and sunshine from Phoenix. Sure, citizens of that fine city are happy being warm and comfortable, but they probably get sick of all of that sun. Can you imagine not owning a jacket? I don't even remember what it's like to open my front door and not have my testicles retreat into my body because of sub-zero temperatures. I spent hours blow-drying plastic over my windows this winter so I can stand in my kitchen without getting frostbite. I'd like to thank my ancestors for choosing to settle in an uninhabitable city. They couldn't walk a few hundred miles south?

- The new judge, Kara, is hot but I don't like her very much at all....so I'm guessing she's perfect for the show.

- People always have gimmicks and costumes to make sure they get in front of the camera and to improve their chances of going to Hollywood. There was a plastic chic who auditioned in a bikini and advanced to Hollywood despite a lack of talent. I doubt that she'll go through her entire life and ever face any real adversity. I hope she gets a skin rash and then accidentally falls into a bear trap and dies four days later when nobody hears her cries for help.

- I always feel stupid when one of the contestants starts singing and I think that they sound good, but then the judges rip them apart. I don't have room for this sort of anxiety in my life.

- They rolled out a very nice, blind piano player for the final contestant of the night. No way this dude doesn't make it to the Final Four this season. Who's not voting for the blind guy? "Hi. My name's Ron. I've got a fresh sound. I live out of my van and have dedicated my life to sharing my music with the world." Well, sorry Ron. This guy's blind. I'm voting for him.

- Take a moment to seek out some of the joke contestants from the first night on the web. I usually hate that part of the show, but I was laughing out loud at some of the rejects Tuesday night. The dude with the really deep voice is my new hero.

- Real musicians write their own music and work their entire lives to perfect their craft, not their image. Just a reminder.

Ugliest Bachelor Season Ever

2009-01-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

I can't repost pictures from the wgr550 website, so here's a link to my latest blog.

http://:wgr550.com/Ugliest-Bachelor-Season-Ever/3609876

Hope you enjoy. Sorry about the link.

Ten Thousand Goals

2008-12-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

Every time the Buffalo Sabres score a goal it makes me happy. Whether the team is tied 0-0 in the 4th overtime of a playoff game against the New Jersey Devils or trailing the Ottawa Senators 5-to-1 late in the third period, I get a jolt of joy. Of course, the level of excitement varies, but I have never not been happy to see the Sabres score a goal.

Thomas Vanek scored a big goal Saturday night in the team's 4-2 win over New Jersey. Not only did he get Buffalo on the board but he registered the 10,000th marker in franchise history. Vanek would later put home #10,003 for insurance.

I was fortunate enough to work for the Sabres' television broadcast for the 2005-2006 season and spent many days trapped in a video vault with, at the time, every single one of the Sabres goals. Never has a Beta VCR and an 8-inch black and white television made one man so happy. I would pour over the footage like it was the Zapruder film and I was Oliver Stone.

I watched Pat Lafontaine rip shots by Jacques Cloutier, wearing his Robocop helmet. I'd grin as Wayne Presley slipped a short-handed, break-away marker past Andy Moog . I actually stood in a room by myself and pumped my fist watching Gilbert Pearrault complete the first hat trick in franchise history, putting the puck into the Golden Seals' empty net. If I were born 6 years earlier and in California at the time, I would have thrown my hat onto the ice.

For me, no goal will ever top what Sabre fans have affectionately come to know as "May Day". Brad May ended 10 years of playoff pain and completed the sweep of the hated Boston Bruins. I was holding my 6-month old sleeping niece Christina at the time of the goal and screamed so loud she may now be in therapy. I have friends who were in a traffic jam on the Rainbow bridge, listening on their radio when May beat Moog. I'm told people just got out of their cars and went around high-fiving complete strangers in celebration. High-fives are uncomfortable and lame, except when Brad May just eliminated the Boston Bruins.

I would say that no Sabre goal-scoring season would ever top Alexander Mogilny's 1992-93 campaign in which he netted 76, but it looks like Thomas Vanek could have something to say about that. Vanek has to score goals on Michelin men, so I wouldn't bank on 76, but his pace is incredible.

I love goals. I can't wait for Nathan Gerbe's 'first', Tim Connolly's 'next' and every single 'playoff' goal of 2009.

So thanks to the Sabres for 10,003 happy moments. I can't think of an organization, outside of the ones who make peanut butter, who have contributed to so much jubilation.

The Ten Worst Things I Have Ever Seen

2008-12-01T14:23:00.000-08:00

These Are The Ten Worst Things I Have Ever Seen.

10. I once watched a dog fall into a giant bees nest and get stung dozens of times before we could sweep the bees off of his back and face.

9. My brother Jim used to pick his nose and then dip his finger into my cereal. I still have trouble eating cereal with people in the room.

8. When I was 8, my friend Shawn accidentally swore in front of his mother and I watched her hit him so hard he fell off of his chair and got a concussion.

7. My wife found a litter of wild orphan rabbits in the yard and tried to raise them herself. She was able feed them formula with a doll's baby bottle for awhile, but they didn't get their mother's milk long enough. After 3 weeks, one-by-one, the baby rabbits would shake violently and then die. I'll never forget watching my wife cry as she struggled over the thought of putting the poor animals out of their misery.

6. The Dallas Stars skating around with the Stanley Cup in the HSBC Arena.

5. When I was 9, my brother Donny rented the entire 'Faces of Death' video series. It contains hours of footage of people and animals dying in horrible ways. I still have nightmares from the video of a man who accidentally parachuted into an alligator farm and was mauled to death.

4. The Movie "Failure to Launch".

3. My dad, sitting in his van and laughing at me as an elderly woman in our neighborhood who wasn't all there chased me around shrieking, "My son! Come back to me my son!" My dad did eventually come out of the van and grab me before she pulled me into her house.

2. When I was 11, my friend was accidentally shot in the head with a Flare gun in my living room and I watched him almost bleed to death. Our living room rug caught fire. There was a river of blood on the kitchen floor as he screamed, "I'm gonna die!" He lived, but the images from that night will haunt me forever.

1. Sunday's Bills game.

Nicknames

2008-11-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

About 15 years ago, I was at a family picnic shooting hoops with a distant relative that I didn't really know. For some reason I felt like lying so, when he asked me what my name is, I said, "My name is Greg...but my left leg is a little longer than my right leg...so my friends call my stretch."It was just a horrible random lie that I didn't even plan on telling.

I think my brain called an audible in an attempt to seem interesting.Well, the guy was nice enough to call me "stretch" throughout our grueling game of HORSE and I felt cool for 15 minutes. Then, as my brother walked over, I started to panic over the idea of this complete stranger calling me "stretch" in front of him and uncovering my lie. So, right before Mike got there I said, "Don't call me stretch!" in kind of an angry, frantic tone.

Needless to say, we didn't stay in touch.

That 15 minutes was the closest I've ever come to having a nickname. They're not the kind of thing you can just give yourself and still be a respectable member of society.

I have rejected a couple of nicknames people tried to give me throughout my life:
- Purple (when this kid punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me)
- Gimpy
- Red
- Mr. Marvelous

And, if someone out there wants to initiate, I've always been partial to these for nicknames:
- Captain Pain Bringer
- Ebsen Flows
- Poseidon

Just keeping you informed.

NFL Firsts

2008-11-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

Although over 60% of the gambling community would beg to differ, the NFL had a first this past Sunday. After an apparent Troy Polamalu defensive touchdown was disallowed, the scoreboard in Pittsburgh showed that the Steelers squeezed past San Diego by a point. It was the first 11-to-10 final in league history.

That's amazing.

Going all the way back to October 3rd, 1920, when the Dayton Triangles beat the Columbus Panhandles 14-to-0, there hasn't been a single game with the final score 11-to-10. I find that hard to believe considering all of these Ravens/ Titans games of this decade.

In a world where Vikings QB Brad Johnson can throw a touchdown pass to Vikings QB Brad Johnson, a game never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where the Bills and 49ers can play a game without a punt, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where a Bucaneer Front Office can get together and say, "Hey! These white and orange jerseys are a great idea!", a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where fill-up stations can somehow add 9/10th of a cent per gallon to the price of gas and no one asks questions, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

It made me wonder about what other surprising "firsts" could be coming to the NFL in the next couple of weeks.
- There has never been a 2-0 football game. The lowest score occurred when the Jets beat Washington 3-0 in 1993.
- There has never been a game that ended 73-to-41. The highest ever score was recorded in 1966 when the Redskins beat Dallas 72-to-41.
- There has never been an NFL game played on January 1st.
- The Bills have never won a Superbowl.

That's about it. Everything else has happened.

Benny

2008-11-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

If you're going to betray your people for money and befriend one of the most ruthless leaders in World History, you deserve to be outdone by your own ignorance.

Take Benny.

He successfully masquerades as a taxi cab driver and infiltrates the rebels, gaining Douglas Quaid's trust. He leads the dictator's army directly to the Rebel leader, who they assassinate.

Then Benny corners Douglas Quaid, the Rebel army's last chance to save Mars, and what does he do? He attacks him with a slow moving, drill-equipped construction truck.

Not a gun; A big truck with a drill on the front.

I realize the opportunity to yell, "I'm gonna drill you sucka!" must have been too tasty to pass up, but he could have just shot Quaid in the leg, and then drilled him to the wall.

Of course, Quaid side-stepped the drill, grabbed his own manual drill to kill Benny, and went on to save Mars by giving the planet atmosphere. Benny actually managed to save Quaid time by drilling a hole in the cave wall that led directly to the atmosphere on/off switch.

Be better than that, Benny.

Presidential Fantasy Draft

2008-11-05T05:08:00.000-08:00

Mike Schopp and the Bulldog decided there was no better way to celebrate Election Day than by holding a Presidents of the United States of America Fantasy Draft.

Mike, Bulldog, Andrew Fillipponi and Greg Bauch drafted past and present American Leaders. Feel free to determine a winner via email.
(The Overall pick is in parentheses)

Greg Bauch
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1) "If there were a President Fantasy Draft Magazine, he's on the cover."
2. Woodrow Wilson (8)
3. John Tyler (9) "Brought in Florida and Texas to the U.S. Where would College Football be without him?"
4. John Adams (16)
5. Grover Cleveland's 1st Term (17)
6. Bill Clinton (24)
7. Calvin Coolidge (25)
8. Warren G. Harding (32)
9. Obama (33)
10. Andrew Johnson (40) "He was to Abe Lincoln like Michael Turner was to LaDanian Tomlinson."
11. Franklin Pierce (41)

Mike Schopp
1. Abe Lincoln (2) "There's only one Abraham Lincoln. I have a jersey that says, "Abe 01."
2. John F. Kennedy (7) "He's the 'Antonio Gates' of this draft."
3. Ronald Reagan (10)
4. James Madison (15)
5. Richard Nixon (18)
6. Ulysses Grant (23) "Great beard."
7. James Garfield (26)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (31)
9. George W. Bush (34) "Chemistry pick"
10. Herbert Hoover (39)
11. William Henry Harrison (42)

Andrew Fillipponi
1. George Washington (3) Bulldog says, "I think (Washington) was overated. I think his line was so good, anyone could have succeeded."
2. Teddy Roosevelt (6)
3. Harry Truman (11)
4. James Polk (14)
5. Andrew Jackson (19) "Polk was 'Young Hickory'. Jackson was 'Old Hickory'. I have the 'Hickory Monopoly."
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (22)
7. William Taft (27)
8. William McKinley (30) Andrew- "He was 2-and-0 in wars. He was unbeaten."
9. Gerald Ford (35)
10. Martin Van Buren (38)
11. George H. W. Bush (43) (the Father, not the son.)

The Bulldog
1. Thomas Jefferson (4)
2. Dwight Eisenhower (5) "from the 50's to the 60's, it was Happy Days."
3. James Monroe (12) Bulldog- "He's got a Doctrine!" Mike- "That's like having 3,000 hits!"
4. Millard Fillmore (13)
5. Grover Cleveland's 2nd term (20)
6. John Quincy Adams (21)
7. Zachary Taylor (28)
8. Jimmy Carter (29)
9. Benjamin Harrison (36) "I feel sorry for him because he's sandwiched in between the Cleveland terms."
10. Chester A. Arthur (37)
11. James Buchanan (44)

Who is the winner? You decide America.
Listen to the entire draft at wgr550.com.

Evil Baby

2008-11-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

We were watching a Lifetime movie last night about an evil baby. When I saw it, I had to admit, "that baby looks a little evil."

It got me thinking, if a movie company was making a movie about an evil baby, then they must have put out a casting call for evil-looking babies.

What kind of parents answer that ad? "You know honey, I always thought out baby looked a little evil. Everytime I look at her, I feel like she's stealing little pieces of my soul. Let's go to Hollywood."

And how does the career of this 'evil baby' turn out? She'll probably be type casted for the rest of her life.
-"I'm sorry, we were looking for a mildly irrated baby. Your baby is just evil. Please leave."

(adult years)
- "Okay, for this movie, we're looking for a strong woman who is trampled on her whole life but then rises above her abusive husband and father to start a small business. What other work have you done in your career?"

- "I was an evil baby.

"I'm just saying, think before your put your baby in that situation.

The evil baby movie was a little too scary...so we switched over to 'Garfield 2- Tale of Two Kitties"
Those fucking English cats think they're so fucking perfect.